To get your reluctant child to do homework, make it a priority and set a time of the day for it. Avoid straying and stay nearby, choosing a quiet place with no distractions. Some parents set a timer for the number of minutes that the homework should be completed.
If homework is something your child has to squeeze in between, end the task, have real talk, or have alone time, and continue the assignment once tensions lower. Focus on their behavior, not their motivation.
If homework battles have become a nightly power struggle between you and your child, follow these tips to help stop the struggle over homework. Stick to a schedule, designate a homework space, make time to decompress and relax, don’t wait too long, make a healthy snack, encourage breaks, and limit distractions.
Parenting should be set up in a positive environment, break tasks into steps, use positive reinforcement, offer choices, stay calm, and read books. No yelling, screaming, threatening, or crying is required.
Break up the homework into 20-minute sessions, if that is still a challenge. By following these tips, you can help your child accept that homework is their responsibility and help them become more productive.
📹 How To Get Kids To Listen Without Yelling
Would you like to know how to get kids to listen without yelling? Sometimes our kids don’t listen to us until after we’ve asked them …
Should I punish my child for not doing homework?
Disputes over homework can lead to frustration, anger, and exhaustion for both parents, as well as a negative impact on the child’s attitude towards school and learning. To encourage homework, establish a system where the child understands that it is a regular part of home life. Once the child accepts this, the battle is won. To set up this system, discuss it with the child during a calm and positive time, and explain that you plan to try something different next week with homework to improve the situation for everyone. Once the system is established, the child will accept it as part of their home life.
How do I get my 13 year old to do his homework?
Consider when your teens are most productive, whether it’s after school or after some downtime. Use study blocks to allocate one to two hours each day for homework, adjusting the schedule depending on the day and other tasks. Create a calendar that highlights available times each day, as having a clear time frame and some downtime can be motivating for your teens. This approach can help them stay focused and focused on their studies.
How to get a 12 year old to do homework?
Parents play a crucial role in their child’s success in school by actively participating in their homework. This involves attending school events, understanding their homework policies, setting up a homework-friendly area, scheduling regular study time, helping them make a plan, keeping distractions to a minimum, ensuring kids do their own work, being a motivator and monitor, and setting a good example.
To help children succeed in school, parents should attend parent-teacher conferences, set up a well-lit, accessible space for homework completion, and keep supplies within reach. They should also help kids break up heavy homework into manageable chunks and create a work schedule for the night, taking breaks every hour.
Distractions should be minimized, such as no TV, loud music, or phone calls. Parents can offer suggestions and help with directions, but it is the child’s responsibility to complete the learning process. Parents should also be a good example by balancing their budget and reading books diligently. Praise their work and efforts, post aced tests or art projects, and mention academic achievements to relatives.
If there are ongoing problems with homework, get help from the teacher, as some students may need glasses or evaluations for learning problems or attention disorders. By following these tips, parents can help their children succeed in school and contribute to their child’s overall academic success.
Why do I cry every time I do homework?
Homework anxiety can be triggered by various factors, including perfectionism, trouble managing emotions, and too much homework. Some students may feel anxious because they think their work won’t be good enough, while others may struggle with emotions or have too much work to handle. Homework anxiety can also cause kids to procrastinate or rush through tasks, but it can actually cause anxiety. It’s not always easy to identify when a child has homework anxiety, as some may share their feelings but others may not. Homework anxiety often starts in early grade school and is particularly significant for struggling students who may feel they can’t complete the work or lack the necessary support.
How do I force myself to do homework?
To make homework more manageable and enjoyable, set small goals and break them down into smaller tasks. Take breaks after each problem or page, and reward yourself with something enjoyable after completing your goal. Celebrate your accomplishments along the way. Use a planner to keep track of upcoming assignments, tests, and events. Set up a system for tracking course materials, either through an organizational app or a dedicated folder on your computer. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when feeling overwhelmed, as professors, TAs, or advisors can offer advice and support to help you get back on track.
How to get kids to do homework without yelling?
It is recommended that a “Homework Schedule” be created by working together in a quiet place, ensuring uninterrupted work without distractions. Some parents utilize a timer to regulate the duration of their child’s study time.
How to not cry while doing homework?
Crying is a normal human emotion, but it can be embarrassing to express it at school. To hide your tears, try playing a game on your phone, joking with a friend, engaging in your math book, or listening attentively to your teacher. If someone is bullying you at school and you are trying to hide your tears, report them to a teacher or school counselor. People do not have the right to treat you badly, so don’t just grin and bear it.
If you haven’t started crying yet, try distracting yourself from your sad thoughts by playing a game on your phone, joking with a friend, engaging in your math book, or listening carefully to your teacher’s words. Doodling or drawing in your notebook can also help distract you from your sad feelings. Remember, people do not have the right to treat you badly.
How to do homework without getting stressed?
Homework stress is a common issue among students, especially during the academic year. It can lead to frustration, feelings of overwhelm, and a negative impact on focus, retention of information, and procrastination. To avoid this, it is essential to stick to a schedule, practice good time management, get started early, regularly review your agenda, stay organized, ask questions from teachers, organize a homework group, and walk away if it becomes overwhelming. By following these tips, students can better manage their homework and achieve better academic performance.
Is homework anxiety real?
Homework anxiety is a condition where students feel intense fear and dread about doing homework, often putting it off until later. This self-exacerbating condition can cripple some students who are capable of doing the work, causing unfinished assignments and grades to slip. Common causes of homework anxiety include:
- Lack of motivation or motivation to complete the task;
- Lack of time or resources to complete the task;
- Lack of motivation or resources to complete the task;\n4
Is it okay to cry at school?
To help a student cope with overwhelm, teachers should ask them to stay at the end of class for a chat. This can lift their mood and make them feel valued. Instead of asking “why are you crying?”, ask if it has anything to do with the class or their performance. If it does, provide a specific picture of the emotion, such as overwhelm, lack of motivation, humiliation, pressure, or loss. Show your support while maintaining healthy boundaries by providing an email address for questions and fostering a sense of community. Book a meeting with the student to discuss tools to cope with overwhelm and the concept of failure. This can help cultivate grit and resilience.
Is it normal for a 13 year old to be lazy?
Parents often experience laziness in their teenagers, but there are ways to teach them responsibility and cleanliness without causing harm to their relationships. One such problem is their 13-year-old consistently leaves everything where it was taken off or used, including swimwear, towels, clothes, dishes, glasses of water, and sun cream. They also struggle to flush the toilet regularly. By implementing these solutions, parents can help their teenagers develop responsibility and cleanliness habits without causing distress.
📹 5 tips to get your child to listen without yelling
Parenting expert, Nanny Robina, has tips to get your kids to eat their breakfast and settling down before bedtime.
I’m a homeschool mom and I work 12 hour nights at a hospital in the ICU. My husband is not much help, and doesn’t get involved with the children. Our girls are 6 and 2 and wow!! I hide in the restroom or closet at least 5xs a day to cry because I hate yelling but the girls run a muck and really do not listen about anything. I try to reach out to family for help but it always comes with judgement rather than with genuine advice or actual help. I love my children, they are the biggest blessing and the best gift that the Lord ever gave to me, so, for me, it’s such a horrible feeling when you feel defeated against your own children. God bless you. Thank you for this article. Currently in the restroom crying at 10 a.m. 😂 I’ll dry these tears and get back to steppin’ with this advice at heart.
This reminds me of a story I heard years ago about a mom frustrated with trying to get her older kids to clean their rooms. She said to them, you can pick up your clothes, and your stuff off the floor or I can do it for you, but you won’t like it when I clean up because I like my rooms to be spotless. The kids of course, ignored this, and they came home to rooms that were bare. She’d left them with a set of night clothes, their school uniforms and sports gear, and pens and paper to write on, but everything that was on the floor or otherwise not put up was gone. They then had to earn each item back one day at a time by proving everyday that they could clean up after themselves and keep things tidy. Yeah, those kids learned to respect what their mom said after that!
The first time I watched this, it had become time for my 3 year old to go to bed. I told him it’s bedtime. He said no. I told him, “You can either walk up to bed yourself, or I can carry you”. He wanted me to carry him of course, but it was a choice I was okay with. And he went to bed perfectly fine, no tantrums and no yelling from mom <3
This guy is a genius ive been using this for the past 2 weeks on my two year old girl and i was so suprised to see that this did work. Ive been using it with everything. This morning my lil girl didnt wanna put her clothes on. My wife was having so much trouble and so i said let me see if this will work and i told ava ” daddys gonna give you two choices, u can put your clothes on or daddy can put your clothes on, and i handed her the shirt and she did try to put it on but after she couldnt do it she gave it to me and sit still while i put it on her. I was so freaking happy.
I am a childcare teacher they teach us this in school. Some parents would benefit from taking the early childhood class. It gives you an insight on children that is mind blowing. Most people have a hard time with 2-3 year olds. At that age they act on impulse. Giving them choices is the best way to go believe me. Or you will give yourself a headache.
You are a Godsend. I prayed the other night for God to lead me to effective discipline for my child and I came across 2 of your articles, this being one of them. I applied this technique and for 2 days now my 5 year old son’s behavior has been calm and pleasant and I and my husband have been more calm and pleasant. Thank you so much for your wonderful and helpful advice. God bless you dearly.
The key takeaways in this article are very helpful. My brain overwhelms me with thoughts and ideas on how to be a better parent and this article helped simplify it! Acknowledge and separate what you can control and what you cannot control, give them choices. Yelling is reinforcing and increases the behavior, consequences decrease the behavior and you can do so in a loving nurturing way. Taking notes!
I love the delivery of this message! So easy to understand and apply. Genius! Thank you! Mom of 6 here. My kids honestly blow me away with how responsible they can be! I know they’re capable, but we have trained each other WRONG just like was described in this article. And I’m wanting to make it RIGHT! I need to set myself up to be prepared to give them good choices. Thank you, Dr, for acknowledging that it’s NOT malicious behavior. I suffered a long time thinking it was and feeling devastated by their choices all the time- particularly my oldest who’s a tween. Then I learned from my mother in law and my mom HOW to love my children. (Titus 2:4) She loved my kids with her words and actions. I could see that demonstrated and then I saw for myself that I can love them and forgive them when they wrong me. BUT my parenting and guiding of them has still been lousy. (My mil is awesome with these techniques, btw, they come naturally to her. They don’t come naturally to me.). So anyway, I’m looking forward to binging these Live On Purpose articles and figuring out how to parent better for myself. Oh, and how to help my husband parent better too. 😉
Gold information! However as a father who only sees their child after work I come prepared with love and patience so it’s easier for me to keep calm and give then choices. For a mother though having spent 24/7 with the child it seems so much harder to keep calm and think on every sentence we ask them before blowing up. I’ve told my wife that she shouldn’t fight with things that are out of her control too but at the spur of the moment it’s just hard to control when you are stuck with the child all day long. Whoever is the bread bringer please be patient and loving to the primary care taker of your child they really have it rough and are desperate for your affection.
I have used this with my two year old and we’ve definitely seen improvements! The biggest being when we are out and about. I can say “you can hold mommy’s hand or I can carry you” there were a few fits thrown but she has gotten to the point where she’ll either hold my hand right away or reach up to be carried! Hoping to incorporate this rule in many other areas!
I have been butting heads with my 5 year old. It’s like a switch flipped and suddenly he wanted to argue about literally everything. He would tell me no. I fell into that trap of raising my voice to get him to listen. The day was just packed with ineffective time outs. Day after day of this was wearing on both of us. We were just grumpy around each other. Then I stumped across these articles in my search for help. I am not kidding you guys, the first day I tried giving choices, the first day I told him that I was only going to ask once. He tested one time and I followed through. Today is day 3 and we haven’t had a single time out. He’s listen the first time almost every time (exceptions being near to bedtime so expected, but I still followed through). I went from feeling almost resentful when the day would start, knowing it was going to be another day of battling and tantrums and timeouts. Now I’m eager to go get him when he starts to wake up in the mornings. Motherhood has become joyful for me. Thank you so so much, from the bottom of my sanity, thank you.
I found that it helped to walk over to the kids and first comment on what they were involved in e.g. this leggo castle looks interesting. Then I’d go from that to what was needed but give a time limit. E.g Right now you’re building this castle but dinner will be ready soon. I’m going to ask you to pack up in 5 minutes. Then after 5 minutes I’d walk over, lower my voice and say “It’s packing up time now.” I might even help pack up for the first few seconds so if one of them didn’t get it, he’d join in. Lowering my voice was a sure fire way to get attention. In class, I might be teaching at one volume. As soon as I spoke more quietly, the whole room would become quieter.
I just watched a good article by another parenting coach on this topic. She said get the kid’s attention, tell them what you want them to do, and if they don’t respond don’t yell, but tell them to walk over to where you are, and tell them again. She said be consistent, and they’ll get tired of having to stop and walk to where you are.
I feel like I am always a bully and a tyrant. I am ‘giving’ orders because I feel like when I ‘ask’….I get ignored. It’s extremely frustrating. I am not an aggressive person but having kids (one, in my case) is they bring you to all sorts of levels and have you do what you never thought you would. UGH…..
Loved your approach to this. I have 4 boys. My first son we used this approach just as a natural way of parenting and he is a great kid who generally obeys (not always happily, but he does it) and has a very understanding and compassionate heart. By the time we got to kid 3 and 4, we are freaking out because they are just … nuts … Looking back on it our lives got crazier and more stressful for a number of years (still in the thick of stressful) and our parenting style changed without really noticing. We got more demanding and angry and less patient. So, no wonder that’s how our kids are turning out right? My husband sent me a link to this article after I confessed the need for drastic change – not just for the kids behavior but for me as a mama – and I’m so grateful. Great tips! I’m going to start perusal your other articles now. Thank you!
once I caught myself yelling too often at my son. Then I decided to do something about it. Next time I asked my son, “Do you want me to start yelling?” “No,” he said. “So, do what I just told you in a nice voice.” And he did. I repeated this some more times and he always chose to obey so I wouldn’t yell.
Thanks a lot, everybody has to know that! Well, I’m a teacher at a secondary school. There’s a boy in class 5 who doesn’t like to follow rules. In music lessons I gave him two options: You can come with us to join in an experiment or you can stay in class 10 in the meantime. No arguing, no yelling… He only thought about it and became a part of the class working on the experiment.
These article lessons have been nothing less than a miracle!!! I’ve been giving my grandon choices, and just this one little tip has avoided so many three year old melt downs! Just this evening he didn’t want to take a bath, but I gave him a simple choice, you take a bath now, or after you play in your room. He didn’t even pause, he made the choice to to take a bath instead of playing in his room. WOW! Where were you THIRTY years ago,…??? Thank you Live on Purpose TV!!!
Thank you SO much Dr. Paul! We’ve been struggling with this very issue in our home and your article broke it down so plainly and effectively. I’ve been perusal your other articles this week and have started implementing some of your strategies (power struggles) and I am happy to say it’s working! We’ve been able to avoid the tantrums and I feel so relieved to be seeing progress with our son! Thank you for sharing these tools with us!
Omg! I’m so glad I found your article! With this pandemic in a 2 bedroom apartment with a 4 yr old and 11 yr old son, I thought I was gonna lose it. The 4 yr old is special and the 11 yr old tested genius has reverted back to being 4. I feel so bad for yelling till my voice gone. I didn’t want to spank or hit them so I scream constantly till I’ve got migraines. It has to end. I want my boys to do what I ask without all the bickering and fighting they do with every task given. I came home with a new supply of parenting and coping skills from just this one article. I even talked to them, apologized for all the yelling, and they apologized too for being so bad last night during bath time. They really like the idea of us all pressing the restart button and getting this right. Me stopping all the drill sargenting and them stopping all the ignoring mommy. I also definitely can notice and praise the 4 yr old for his accomplishments 30 times during a day. He loves that I notice he did wash his hands or compliment his crayon drawing or just him cutting a light switch off. That’s def is working! Question? Got any helpful tips for me and my 11 yr old? He struggles with getting bitten and scratched in his face by his slow brother. And getting blamed when he can’t get his brother to comply with assigned task. Please help me. Any advise from any one will be greatly appreciated. I am using the 2 choices technique with some success’s. Thank you again. I’m on my own with these 2 . no family or fatherly support around.
Okay, so this worked wonders right away. I feel like I’m literally the dad in this article. My son is especially difficult with listening because he’s on the spectrum. So today he came home from school, I went into the bathroom and a bunch of his clothes were on the floor along with his shoes. I asked him nicely like 3 times. Finally I said “you can either pick up your clothes now, or clean the entire bathroom later.” And man, he jumped right up and got it done. Great advice. Thank you.
I don’t know where this fits in here, but I’m going to share something that happened between me and my then 3 year old son. It seemed that he was constantly spilling things. I was getting more and more frustrated by this and kept telling him over and over to be careful and stop spilling. One day I really lost it and yelled at my little boy, “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE CAREFUL?!” The poor child answered in a sweet quiet voice,”Til I do it right?” I have to say it was one of the best, if not the very best parenting lesson I ever had, and it came from a 3 year old! Keep telling them and teaching them until they get it. Also to be more patient with them and yourself. My little boy is now 52 and he’s a really great guy and a very loving father. Peace and blessings to you all!
I don’t know how I came here, but his advise is gold and it works. Im a special needs teacher. Daylie I teach kids who just don’t want to get taught. That is my go to. When I asign them a task they refuse. If I present 2 or 3 tasks and everyone can choose for themselves they miraculously pick one and just do it.
Dr. Paul, First, I want to thank you for all the advice you have given to us parents who are desperate to figure out how to deal with our kids. Changing our discipline techniques from what our parents did to us and what you are teaching, is a real challenge. Old habits are hard to change but well worth the effort. A few months ago, I discovered that my teens were smoking pot and vaping. I was so emotional about this. My children, not my children. I was so hurt over this. After perusal your articles, I have completely changed my tactics. They are coming upon the driving age. So, I figured out that I control this privilege. I bought the drug and vaping tests and explained the I would not be responsible for anyone using drugs driving my cars. I also would not pay for insurance and gas in that car if they had money to buy pot or vapes. So far, one teen has passed all the tests and is now driving. This teen is very proud of themselves and so thankful to be driving again. The other is struggling and tries to manipulate me into letting them drive before they pass the tests. According to this teen, I am a control freak. This used to hurt my feeling. After listening to you, I no longer take it to heart. I don’t pay any attention to angry words. This is a freedom of monumental worth. Freedom from taking those hurtful words to heart and then acting out of hurt. When we are wounded, we lash out and hurt back. This doesn’t work. Things just get worse. I will continue to watch and learn. Again, thank you so much.
I love your energy! I always give my children options, My son was running in the living room ( which he knows is against the house rules) and therefore knocked over a bin of dirty clothes . I told him he can either pick up the clothes or go to timeout for 10 minutes, he was more than happy to go to time out. 😆
I just want to say thank you for this article, and for the others in the series about parenting. My husband and I, despite our best intentions, were really hitting a low point as the parents of a three year old. We both had some dark moments in there that we were ashamed of and it shook our confidence in parenting. I never thought I would yell, I wasn’t raised around yelling, but I was really finding myself acting out in ways I never thought possible. I made it all these years never yelling at anyone, but as my husband pointed out, no one has ever treated me like a three year old does. In the past few days I have been implementing your strategies and they are absolutely diffusing the anger I was experiencing toward my son. I’m finding myself seeking two options, both of which I am OK with, instead of feeling backed in a corner lashing out. I’m also trying to see things from his perspective so I’m creating ways of saying things that make the “right” choice something he wants to do. I’m getting much better at just walking away when he opts not to respond, and then letting him come back to me when he’s ready instead of accidentally getting mired in a power struggle. My confidence is returning. Long story short – it’s working for us and I can’t thank you enough. You’re really helping me and I could tell early on in the article that you had authentic wisdom to share. And you blend actionable tips with deeper more big picture truths – a mixture I appreciate. I plan to listen to your entire series.
My 5 year old has realized when I say “alright” in a certain tone and get quiet he needs to worry. I’ve reached my limit and a consequence is going to follow like losing screen time, sweets, early bed, etc. Perhaps I should say this trigger word BEFORE I repeat myself several times and become frustrated. Thanks for the advice.
I’m only about 3 minutes in and I’m loving your article so far I wanted to stop and let you know. I very much enjoy your natural presentation style. And I love the way you are getting inside mindset of young people. It’s something so many adults forget to do. I’m going to listen to the rest of it and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there’s no coercion coming at the end, because that’s such a common thing to happen in these articles! ❤️
I have been teaching my 2.5 year old this way all her life. She is young but like all kids learns very quickly. I have a lot of patience which any parent can attest to is the thing you need most with kids. Three things I figured out with her, 1st, she always hears what I say, just doesn’t always acknowledge it. Secondly, as the Doc said, everyone including her likes choice. Thirdly, encouraging her to respond and acknowledge me results in a better outcome for both of us. The first and third thing tie together very well. They all tie together and result in a calm, listening, respectful child without punishment. I call her by her name, and if she ignores me and continues to play, I say Sally (fake name) please look at me so we can talk. When she looks I say, lunch is ready lets go eat, sometimes she says yes (if shes really hungry) and other times no (if shes having too much fun to realize shes hungry lol). If she says no, I say well you can come to lunch now or in 1 minute, you choose. She chooses the one minute and we set a timer and when it goes off she comes right over. Additionally I have been teaching her to acknowledge us when we speak to her and if she has something she wants to say its better to express than just say no and run off. This has been coming up more because she was beginning to realize that her looking and listening to me resulted in her doing things she didnt necessarily want to do. So in the lunch scenario, if I ask her to come to lunch, and she continues to ignore me, I say, Sally I know you heard me and if you continue to ignore me then you will have to go into time out until you are ready to have a normal conversation with me.
Me: “Nobody is perusal the TV.” (directed at teenager in kitchen who is using the computer 😊) “Would you like to turn it off, or would you like me to? Either way is OK with me.” Teenager: (with attitude) “Ooohhh, look who’s all high and mighty!” Me: (secretly smiling to myself as teenager immediately turns off computer and returns to watch the TV.) 🥳🥳 Your advice… Think – vs – Fight… I think this applies equally to parents. If we take the time to think ahead and plan the x2 choices, especially for problematic scenarios, it helps us to think (not fight). Very helpful. I’ve just subscribed!
You should never yell at your children my mom yelled at me my whole life and it has given me bad anxiety part of it has to do with my life and being so terrified my mom would yell at me I would never tell her any of my problems and I became depressed when I was 13 I wanted to kill my self I felt like my mom didn’t love me so please dont yell at your children
Treat your children with respect. My children never broke the rules as teens, they never snuck out, or disrespected me. They chipped in on chores without asking and took on their own chore list that benefited the house hold. I treated them with respect, when they were little we would talk about what they did wrong and how it could have turned out. I taught them how to think of possibilities and I always treated them with respect. That respect was given back to me. Allowing them to choose between things let’s them feel in control of themselves and their lives instead of command and obey.
In my house each child has a specific chores for the week it gets done everyday I put my hand on their shoulder if it’s my adhd kids (have 2) when talking to them cuz they respond to touch. 1 job at a time. Come back to me for the next chore. Each chore gets a reward for that day. A sticker or Xtra 10 min on the laptop before bed. Good job when they do the chore it’s not perfection I’m looking for it’s action Be proactive Redirect / Reenforce Encourage Acknowledge
The reason that some of us don’t have to craise our voice is that we understand about the power struggles in kids. I mean who truly love to be bossed around? Get told to do this & that all day? So instead of bossing them around, we give them choices. Two choices only, because both time & energy are golds. Just like what you said,we have to be okay with either choice/ way. No matter which choice our kid chooses, the main goal is to get whatever we intended our kid to do… get done. Let’s say, it’s bed time: My daughter is having fun playing with her toys, no one likes to be interrupted if we’re doing something we enjoy right? Give warning, 10mins left then it is our usual bed routine. Brush our teeth bla bla bla… Times up! Of course she’s gonna ask for more time~ I will acknowledge her feeling, and say something like this : “Aww..I know it must be so hard for you to stop playing coz it’s so much fun! But we don’t want all of us to be too tired and would be hard to get up in the morning. I’m sure we can play again tomorrow” I won’t ask the obvious question like “do want to shower?” if I know the answer would be “no”. Instead, we give them 2 choices! Alright! Would you like to dance with me all the way to the bath room? or do I carry you and dance all the way to the bathroom? If she says no, then she will lose her privilege / rights to choose. I, as a parent will choose it for her. I will choose to pick her up and dance all the way to the bath room. Rinse and repeat, same tactic with teeth brushing, story book time and good night time~ Thank you for sharing tips!
My dad always told me that one of the worst things a parent can do is keep “threatening” their kids with ’empty threats’, and that it’s always important to follow through with whatever punishment they’ve laid out for their child (…hopefully they didn’t threaten physical injury or murder, etc). Anyway, I tried to apply this method of “if not this, then ..consequence…” with my first child, as much as possible. For the most part it worked… I tie it in with “by the time I count to 3…” And to this day, if I can’t get his attention, all I have to do is start counting (often without even suggesting a consequence at all) and he jumps (irritated) to the occasion. It’s like Pavlov’s dog or something. *He’s 7.5 yo now My second child, however, has been a bit trickier to work with in this way. She often will act like “I don’t care if you take that away from me… I’m gonna keep doing this anyway”. I found that threatening to take her dresses away from her is usually the best “weaponry” I’ve got. :-/ Ugh. It certainly gets harder, the more kids you have to apply this to! After awhile, the mental effort it takes me to remember which consequences/punishments I’m trying to carry out (…sometimes I’ve had to go hard with statements like “for a WHOLE week” …or even “month”)… and sometimes their punishments conflict (like in the case where one of them has lost screen time, but we’re all in the common room where the TV is, etc)… Ahhhhhhh!!!! Needless to say, we’ve been training each other again for me to start yelling!
I think it’s super cool to know that a two to three year old just wants to fight with you some from time to time, so just give them some space to be evil. They should learn how to integrate their evil side into a functioning identity instead of hiding it and becoming blind of this part of their personality that may tend to be aggressive etc. Sometimes my two year old daughter actually warns beforehand and says “I want to be bad now!” before she starts argueing with me.
“clobber him the first time” lmfao hahhahsa that made me laugh. Thank you for article, I really needed this because I was doing well but then I started yelling at my toddler once I had my infant when I wasn’t yelling and he was listening when I was putting him in time out right away from not listening, I need to enforce this again.
During this covid time, i spent a lot of time taking care of my daughter (4 years of age) and her friends, since their parents had to go to work. What i found to work out best is, when i get eye to eye with them. That means i have to go to my knees to “entre their world”, then make a “connection” to what their are playing right now and then tell them, what i want them to do. Giving them two choices is also great or asking them, what they can offer and then we negotioate and make a deal. Since i’ve figured that out, my life is a walk in the park.
Thank you for the tone requests from 1st friendly to 12th yelling… I think I only had 2 … nice and firm… but what worked so well when we went to the park or play area in an establishment, we would have a time limit and I would set my watch ( now it would be a phone) and when it’s alarm beeped out, my boys heard it, I commented, it’s time – they knew that there was one more slide or one more monkey bars run-through, and we were happy to leave together, no chasing 2 toddlers to preteens or calling after them t please let’s go. It was great. Also, 2 options at the restaurant, not the entire menu… never did we do that, it was a choice, it was theirs, but only 2, saved alot of time and headaches I have seen other families have.
So what do you do when you give the “my two feet vs your two feet” choice but before you know it, your preschooler is telling his teacher that he doesn’t have to get his snow pants on by himself because mom will do it for him! 😳 (He was Mr Independent when he was 2!) Also, it’s not always as simple as picking him up and leaving. When it’s -20°C and we’ll be outside for extended periods because we’re taking city transit, it’s not responsible parenting to take him without proper winter wear. Giving the choice to go without doesn’t seem like an option. On top of that, dressing him myself isn’t a piece of cake. It’s more like wrestling an alligator into a tux. Not fun (for me…he loves it) and there have been times when I really can’t wrestle with him (ie when I was pregnant and after wrist surgery). I can’t always decide not to go if he doesn’t cooperate. A 3 yr old shouldn’t be able to dictate the entire family’s schedule. What choices are left?
Question: how did it develop into the twelfth time? The impetus was always the first time so the bigger issue is what led to the conditioning or ‘training’ to respond at yelling… How do we PREVENT conditioning. Answer: execute the consequence but more importantly ensure the consequence is RELATED to the crime. Ex, if they don’t pick up toys, they don’t play with them the next day. If they don’t turn the TV off, they lose it then next day. If they don’t leave their friends house on time, they don’t play with that friend the next day. Never, punish against love or education, meaning don’t ever say I’ll stop loving you or I’ll take your reading books away. ✌️
While I do agree with every thing the article talks about I also believe you don’t have to always present options for your child. If you always do this you will set your child up for failure in the real world. My parents used his method, but they also used the paddle. I was never abused. I was simply given a good spanking in the bare butt. My parents just told me to do what they wanted and if I didn’t, I got a spanking. Very simple. I was a hard headed child. Always trying to negotiate everything. If I asked why, they said because I’m the boss, this is my house and until you live on your own you’re going to follow my rules. Gave me a great outlook on life. Knowing that there were consequences to my actions and taught me to respect authority. Now and days you have children that run around with no respect to authority and are always seeking “options” for their consequences.
To a 9 yr old: You can clean your room, or I can clean it for you. My condition is, I get to throw away whatever I see as being trash… In my experience teenagers don’t want you anywhere in their room, it’s an invasion of privacy so even just the consequence of you doing it will be enough in some cases.
Do you want bubbles in your bath or no bubbles? Next thing, my kid was ready to get in the bath every time, no problem. What story would you like to read before bed? Kid makes a choice, hears the story and goes to sleep. Another funny one was when they get under the covers, I’d say goodnight & kiss their forehead, I would sprinkle fairy dust (just make believe, I’d gently blow) in their eyes, and they’d be like, “I’m too tired, I can’t open my eyes, that (fairy dust) works everytime, goodnight Mama.”
I babysat my nephews and they would not listen to me when they were fighting over the TV or computer or games they wanted because they did not want to share… so I would nicely ask to clean the mess they made from eating snacks and throwing shoes at each other, I would simply cut off the electricity of the whole house. Now they would notice they had no internet and no way to plug a charger for wireless devices…. so after a few hours of tantrums and yelling, all by themselves would get everything done plus some dishes after actually eating real food…. and then after assigning them play times per device I turn the electricity back on…. (it worked all the time) I asked one of them one day. Which uncle or aunt do u like to baby sit u best? And why? He said ” i like u better, because you don’t yell at us and don’t whoop us either.
My mother used to pick a dress she liked for me and hang it on the dresser door, then she would pick any other dress and tell me that was the dress she wanted me to wear and I was going to wear it no matter what, blah blah. I would fight and say I wanted the dress hanging on the dresser door. And my mom would smile and say okay fine. Never did I thought it was a win win for her. But did that make me think I always got my way?? Thanks for this article and Im seriously using this method on my husband. No kidding.
There was a man I met in my early 20’s who would give his children daily spankings (for no reason) and make completely unrealistic threats like, “I’m going to hang you kids up by your toenails if you don’t stop that!” Naturally, they ignored everything he said and were definitely the worst-behaved children I have ever met in my life. From this experience I learned: 1) Never threaten a punishment you do not intend to enforce. Making idle threats destroys your credibility with kids. Making consequences reasonable is vital to maintaining credibility. 2) Arbitrary punishments do not reinforce authority – they destroy it. If a child is going to face consequences no matter what they do it is the same as having no consequences at all.
I remember my mom doing this exact same thing with me. Let me explain how it all went down. My mom told me (probably around the ages of 7 and 10) either I could clean my room, or she would do it for me. I HATED when my mom cleaned my room because I had secrets I hid in there and there were tons of things she thought were trash that were treasure to me, she’d throw away my things on accident and I couldn’t find my stuff, etc. so her cleaning my room was not a good thing to me, that was the “price” I paid in and of itself. So what did I do? I threw a fit. I yelled and screamed and told her no way in *BLEEP* was she cleaning my room, but I’m also not cleaning my room, obviously, cuz that’s too much work. My room was a nightmare, couldn’t see the floor, it hadn’t been cleaned probably EVER. Because of this entire power struggle we had going on. And almost every time she would give up eventually and it would stay messy. Eventually she said “well okay, what if John helps you clean it?” After I had of course already refused to let her clean it with me because again, secrets, don’t like people touching my stuff. John was her boyfriend at the time and he was alright, I kind of liked him. I caved and decided to clean my room with John because I wanted to spend time with him and I trusted him. I’m not sure what happened but I think somewhere down the line John and I got into an argument, and we managed to get a small portion of the room clean and that was it. True story, a few years later the room still had not been cleaned and there was so much mess that I moved out of the messy room and started sleeping in the spare bedroom, and just kept my stuff in there.
Even the comments on these articles have been helpful. I appreciate this community i will be perusal many many more articles to try and better myself as a man and father. I thank god for wise people who share knowledge. Not saying youre perfect or its working but the effort and thought are ao appreciated thank you all
Told my 6 years son to come to shower. Answer was no, of course. Then I told him if he wants to come with me or have a shower alone. He came instantly, telling me that he wants to shower with me, but wants to get in the tube, to dry and brush his teeth alone. That was a good win-win for both of us. Thanx
All of your articles are great and practical- thank you! Are there any articles on how to get syblings to be respectful to one another, mainly to use words instead of hitting. My kids are 8,6,4. The 8 year old is the main hitter. The 4 year old uses his words the best when in the heat of the moment. They are all great friends but hitting has become common everyday communication for them. Thanks for any advice Doc!
So I have an extremely energetic 3yo. Very smart, and comprehends most of what I’m saying. We have barely had any tantrums until age three because she is so good at reasoning and thinking through what I tell her. But it’s so hard to get her attention to talk to her and give her choices. She will run away or she might be yelling and throwing stuff on the ground when she is upset. How do I calmly talk to her to get her to stop trashing the entire room? I started being more intentional about speaking with her calmly and giving her options and she responded super well for about a week. It’s so hard to think of choices to give her or consequences that aren’t eventually backed up by a spanking. Just yesterday: “If you choose to continue, you’re choosing to sit in your chair and calm down” “no I’m doing this” “okay you have chosen the chair” it worked twice and then she started pushing it and getting off the chair so I didn’t know what else to do to escalate consequences besides spankings. Please help me.
After teaching for three years, I finally learned that yelling does not work. The students responses are always, “you’ve got to yell or they won’t listen.” I switched tactics to nothing but nice and offering two choices. Night and day. The minute you do yell at the students, they are ready. They accept it as a challenge. “You want to hear yelling? I can show you yelling!” Everytime the teacher is going to lose. The teacher is working against everyone: student, parent, administration, and social media because they are quick to record. So yelling is accepted as a challenge. That is the most valuable lesson I learned as a teacher.
I learned after having a child on the spectrum to set boundaries. This is how it is going to go n it is up to you how YOU get there. Example, we are going in the store. We are here to food shop. You are going to behave and stay by my side. If you don’t follow this and misbehave no tv when we get home. If you do as I ask I will allow you tv when we get home. Worked every single time. My other 2 older children knew just by my look to do as told from very young lol I rarely yelled. Never hit them either. If one got out of control in public I wld gentle squeeze there wrist and lean down and whisper, “stop it now” or ” keep it up n no tv when we get home”. All 3 are amazing adults now. They learned to set reasonable boundaries. Offering set choices WORKS!
Timeouts are literally my golden key to everything. And you dont have to do it too many times until you just say the word timeout and they start moving. Its not physical harm and its not yelling. Once they know the suffering of a timeout, they always remember it. I’ll try this out too when she gets older to understand the concept of hiring someone but I feel as though timeouts are applicable too.
Oh boy, where were you when I needed you 10-12 months ago! How are you supposed to know what you don’t know!? My little girl is a very challenging 3 year old and has made my life hell when she starts playing up. I hate screaming at her. I know she doesn’t understand it and I feel so bad for doing so and it started playing on my mind that my daughter will start to grow up hating me. Not the dream I was expecting. Not long after perusal this article my cheeky toddler was back in the kitchen drawer and she had pulled out the corkscrew (again, an on going battle that usually ends in tears!). I thought about her two choices and tried this. I said “daddy can put this back in the drawer because it’s sharp and dangerous, or, you can put it back in the drawer so you don’t hurt yourself, what would you like to do?”. She wanted to put it back in the drawer so she didn’t hurt herself! I picked her up and we had the biggest cuddle and a high 5! Best feeling ever, thank you! 😃
My daughter is closing in on 3. My wife and I have never yelled or gotten mad at her (because we actually like her, unlike many parents). Parents have to remember that kids are dumb. That’s not to say they have low IQ. It’s just that they have no perspective. Each night before bed we do “pick up, pick up, pick up”. Some nights Stella is better at picking up her toys than other nights. Last night she was wanting to stay up and play. But it wasn’t long before she said “Can I have an orange?” (She’s LOVES oranges). I said “sure. Pick up your toys and you can have an orange.” Now wouldn’t you know my daughter became a torrent of activity and she very hastily picked up all her toys and put them in the proper bin. Then I peeled an orange and gave her a few slices. I’ve never once renigged on a promise so my daughter knows if I promise something I’m going to do it. You see. Kids always want stuff. All you have to do is wait for them to want something from you then you have them. It’s all a negotiation.
I use the choice method with my almost 5 years old. Do you wanna take bath yourself or should I bathe you? Do you wanna do your homework right after school or after you are done playing? Will you tidy up your toys in a basket or a box? Do you want to eat veggies or rice for dinner? Either ways he is eating healthy.. It works majority of the times.. 😊
Yes to choices! When my oldest at 2 years old (now 17and oldest of 7) said I don’t want to go to bed. I said you are going to bed, do you want to brush your teeth first or get pjs on first? After she brushed her teeth she said she did not want to go to bed I said yes you will. Do you want to read you book first or get changed first? she chose a book, then we changed and went to bed no problem.
I’ve personally found that giving my 3 year old daughter choices like this in the various activities that she needs to do every day (shower, brush teeth, clean room, etc) is also a really great way to give her a sense of freedom & independence.. having those “Acceptable Options” available are like giving her potential “Wins” when shes feeling controlled or uncooperative .. for eg. if one night she doesnt feel like brushing her teeth, but daddys trying to make her brush them standing at the sink, she’ll demand “no, i want to brush my teeth while daddy cuddles me” (which is one of my usual options – “do u want to brush your teeth standing here, or while we cuddle”), and ive found that it really seems to placate her when she’s able to get one of her demands met in those situations. And i’m totally happy to give in to those demands since they play directly into my hand of what i wanted her to do in the first place 😀 Love your article. I shared it with my bro who has 3 little ones, as im sure it will help him a lot!
At 4:20 it reminded me of my father turning into a soft-voiced calm daddy encouraging me to stop what i was doing and leave the kids i was playing with and go with him. I did. And then he would take me for a run. During that run he would turn into a monster kicking me from behind and yelling names at me. Of course, je had reasons, because i was a naughty kid. Now, he regrets that he did it to me, but he just did not know any better. Lesson for me, as a father now, is that I should never pretend anything in front of my child and stay transparent and direct to my kids. If they do not do what I ask after my second request, i take away their toys that ‘distracted them’ from listening to my requests 😉
Like most of the advice I’ve found the problem emerges when they don’t care about either of your two options and they dig their heels in. What it’s well intended and ok, reasonable at the surface, but what do you do when you give them a clear choice and they don’t care about either of those options. But let’s say it’s with an issue like getting out the door on time. You can’t let them call the shots or call you out so you get pulled into escalation because at some point you have to be some place at a certain time, and they don’t understand time and don’t care about, school/work/dr’s appt/etc…the next level advice is what I want to hear more about. The front end is the easy part. How do you up the anti without raising the voice or losing your own control, when incentives don’t work, when reasonable options don’t work, like charging a 5 yo $200/hr doesn’t matter to them at all, they generally don’t have any comprehension of money/value. We need deeper solutions
This guy knows exactly what he says. I have two boys and we had a big problem because they didn’t do their homework and studying for school. But not anymore! After i watched that article i went in their room i looked at them and i said ” either you study all your homework either i study all your homework. Whatever you decide is fine by me ” Try it and thank me later. Got to go now, i have to study.
Before I ever saw this article, I already handle it often that way: ‘Should I carry you to bed, or do you want to go by yourself’ or ‘should I Iift you off, or do you want do it yorself’ for example … then the kids want do it basically themselves, and I was often so suprised how incredibly good that worked out again. ^^
I tried to make my words count. When I said you stay at home alone (with someone safely but not as interesting obviously) if you don’t change your clothes, I did that and of coz there were struggles both physically and mentally at the door, but at the end, he stayed home, we left with the younger to have a breakfast outside and had fun. When I said, I will eat your candies if you don’t behave, I immediately open the candy box and eat in front of them, enjoyably and started to pour the whole box into another to signify those candies are no more theirs. When I said no TV for a week, that’s no TV for a week.
WOW, everyone was so thankful about increasing the article speed to 1.5, however, I thoroughly enjoyed it dialed back to just 0.5. Took me back to all that great advice my drunk uncle gave me at my second cousin’s wedding, (twice removed on my mom’s side). You know the one I’m talking about, that shotgun style, backyard disaster, with the enchanting Bud Light and Little Ceasars reception in the garage. 6:53
At the childcare centre in the Kindy room. One boy 4 years getting angry with something, educator listen but he so emotional he started crying and screaming every children used their hands to protect their ears. Children in the room looked at me and told me, I don’t like he so annoyed. Educator gave time to him and ignored then read the book and be happy to everyone, most children so happy accept him. The boy keep screaming louder after that educator called his name with firmly voice ” do you want to cry alone at the corner or enjoy activities with us, it’s your choice.” “If, you wanna play with us, you have to stop crying but if you still crying you can’t play the game”. Then educator ignored him again. The boy being cooling down and walking in to the group and play with everyone nicely. Sometimes children need time, they emotional not developing enough and we have to listen and clam down as well.
Lack of respect: My theory … we were generally brought up very strictly in the 60s, 70s and 80s, with this we learnt respect and discipline. We didn’t like the strictness so by the time we had children ourselves we didn’t want to speak to our children the way we were spoken too so we weren’t so strict. We expected a fair relationship with our children believing they would still be respectful and understand rules without the strictness. That clearly didn’t work because children need boundaries whilst raising them and the result is they don’t listen to parents.
The best thing I ever learned with my kids is that they like to be lead by example. That is to say that rather than saying go to bed 12 times, getting upset, etc. I say come on kids, LET’S go to bed. When they are lead to bed, it seems to go much better. Instead of guys, can you please clean up your toys, I say guys LET’S get these toys cleaned up. If I am busy with something else, I do use your technique, by saying guys these toys need to be cleaned up. You can do it yourselves, or I can do it. They don’t want me to do it, because my method involves garbage bags.
Kids have the right to say yes or no. If we train them not to say “No”, will they say no to Drugs? We have to train them to make wise judgements. They must learn the consequences of a yes or no decision. Heres how I always get an yes on non negotiable situations. Only when they forget, I have to remind them once, that if you tell me “No” in this situation, when I didnt ask you but im telling you to, then mommy gets to tell you “No” all day tomorrow. They burn dust to get it done NOW. I also get them to act now because Ive trained them to come when I call, not speaking a word until they are in my face. No room to forget or do anything else. However you must give them opportunities to say no thank you so they feel like they have some kind of control and you dont want to raise a yes child who says yes to every one else while saying no to themselves. It all about balance.
This method is based on the behavioral school which is very old-fashioned. The key factor here is authority, who has the authority. However, this is effective with children of small age, once they’re older enough to realize they don’t have to listen they won’t, they will cheat, yell, say no, rebell… This often occur with teenagers. So, what’s the plan? The plan is to teach kids how to communicate properly, don’t go around giving orders or demands, even if you do so politely. Just make requests, and teach the kids that it’s okay if they don’t fulfill that request, but you won’t be happy about that, teach them to be gentle and caring not indifferent
My son is 17 and I have never had to raise my voice to him. He listens when I talk to him. Why? Boundaries and he doesn’t like the banshee I become when I get upset. There is also mutual respect. I respect his space and him and vice versa. It’s something I learnt from my relationship with my parents.
Thank you for this. I hate yelling at my sons, but sometimes I just，can’t stand them. After I yelled at them, I felt guilty because yelling hurts kids in the long run. I’ll try the methods you suggested in the article. I like the one that yelling is a reinforcement, and it increases a behavior. I have the experience that if I get used to yelling at the kids, you always need to yell at them.
Dr. Paul, thank you both so very much for your presentations. I am new dad of a 16yrs old, whom I have adopted in June. He is wonderful in many of the ways we want our children to go. He offers some challenges, but nothing to much to handle, with the confidence you have given me by education, through your articles. Also, I am recently assigned to be a Fatherhood Engagement Specialist. Through researching, I came upon your very helpful, and informative articles. For this new position, is there a way for me to be provided my viewing history of your articles, including the time spent, verifying completion? Thank you for your humanity. PS. I looked for an email to send this to but time prevented me from getting it, if there is one.
The options/think before fight strategy is a good one. However I’ve been testing the “or you can hire me to do it” and it’s warping my son’s values. As an alternative, the strategy I’ve always used is to align the beneficial behavior with an identity they aspire to: who do they look up to? Who are their heroes? “I know you’re trying to be X. Well this is how an X behaves”. It’s a much more long-term strategy, but you’re teaching your child how to make decisions when you’re not around, and helping them to establish a value system that is aspirational instead of transactional.
Ok. I can confirm that the information in the article works as I do have similar approach. I have watched whole article and advertised it to my wife. The article contains all the information I have already told to my wife in the past. And now tricky thing: how to encourage her to follow up with that approach? 😀
When the kids in my class come in and act as if it’s a party and not a lesson I have to raise my voice. But I have many tricks I can use too. One is to be strict before they even enter. Another to whisper individual reprimands, never yell them. I give them choices. I show them I care about them and listen to them. I show my emotions. And I’m a really good teacher. On my best days I start the lessons with jazz and a smile and that is the best way to make them listen. 😅
Dad two boys here. I can relate so much here because I’m always yelling at my 10 yo boy. I ask him to do things and he’ll walk away. It’s my wife and him vs me. Add an 19 month old handful to the mix, and you’ve got chaos brewing. I’ve become a little more patient in the last 2 years, but my wife and I still fight about the way I “bark” at my 10 yo.
This makes me think about Chess, think three turns ahead. So my kids are at the age that they have phones, maybe “You cam either set a five minute timer on your phone and when it goes off do the dishes, or you can hand over your phones so you can do the dishes.” This still gives me control over the phones abs doing the dishes. An I getting the message correct on this? I hate yelling, my kids probably think I love yelling, but I want to calmly get out of them what is needed.
As a father of six who does not yell at my kids, because I have trained them to listen to my voice in a different way and I have been trained to speak to them differently. They also speak to me differently. Because I listen and respond the first or second time they say something to me instead of tune them out or ignore them and it takes them 10 times to say something to their parent. This is far too common and I see it every day…. Child says something to parent. Parent is on phone or ignoring child. Child has to say it 5 to 10 more times getting increasingly louder each time before parent finally says loudly yelling, “what, what do you want??” So then child has to yell back as well for parent to listen. So that is why many kids are accustomed to! The solution is in the words that we use for kids to understand more simply. In the tone that we use in the way that we speak to them has to require some type of action and motivation. I speak to my kids at home the same way I speak to them when I’m coaching or basketball teams. Motivation and purpose.. -Adam The New Woodworker
Thank you so much for the article. My youngest is almost 2 and DOES NOT LISTEN. I hate yelling alot or disciplining alot. And I feel it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m scared one day I’ll tell him to not do something and it’s going to end up harming him severely (running out in the street) Now there’s sometimes they don’t want to come down stairs just from being stubborn. I told my daughter, “are you coming downstairs? Her:No!” Me:”Okay sit up there and be grumpy. But you won’t be able to eat your dinner or have your cup up there” She was down within a minute 😂 Works every time. My son… I’m trying to be more calm around him and show him that he needs to listen the first time and not when I’m having to yell to get his attention. If he disobeys I just pick him up and he goes in a naughty seat (timeout) tell him what he did wrong and usually have no more problems the rest of the day. Anger doesn’t solve anything I’ve learned. I try not to discipline in anger but I’m going to try this whole “think v. Fight” with him like I do with her.
I’m an aunt in my sisters home, she has two kids, one of them isn’t able to talk yet but he does respond well to social cues. As for the other, she’s five. She doesn’t respect me one bit an in fact openly disrespects me IN FRONT OF her parents. This is because they always say I’m too aggressive with her and that I always tell her no, that’s why she doesn’t listen to me. The thing is, I do say no a lot and I only get aggressive when she gets disrespectful. I say yes in my own way, a way that I’ve built off the punishments her parents give me (They’re my legal guardians and I live under their roof.) Something this article doesn’t address, or any articles/helps I’ve searched for, is what to do when a child that isn’t yours, but still needs to listen to you, KNOWS how to play everyone in the house so you look like the bad guy and they get to keep misbehaving without consequences. I’ve tried the calm talking with the pluming rule (as stated in article) and still it does nothing. I’ve tried the approach of simply not entertaining the child at all and instead choosing to distance myself as a reinforcement that when she doesn’t listen, I do not hang out with her. This doesn’t work either and instead I’m called a bully by her parents. Everything I’ve tried to do doesn’t work, and every time I say yes in my own way it goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It’s gotten so bad that they’re threatening to kick me out of the house if I don’t “learn” to get along with their kid. Even though they don’t see the enraging effort I have to put in to learn how to do exactly that.
I’m actually here to find advice for how to deal with my cleaning habits. A big problem since childhood has been anxiety, where the mess becomes overwhelming quickly and the threat behind the order to clean it all now becomes more over whelming. I remember my mother dealing with it when I was a child as bagging all my stuff up and throwing it away to clean up my room. Everything. Clothes, toys, trash, silverware, ect. That in itself caused trauma, where someone else moving my stuff (much less cleaning) causes absolute panic. I’m not entirely sure I found a solution to my habits today, but I will say threats only teach kids to respond to threats.
It’s called consequences…and following through. But you have to find each child’s “currency”…what matters most to them. “If you do this, then this will happen…if you don’t do this, then this will happen.” The key is as the parent you have to FOLLOW THROUGH on what you’ve said the consequence will be. No warnings, no yelling…just action. Teach them that all choices have consequences for everyone….good consequences for good choices, bad consequences for bad ones. We all make mistakes, but that’s how we learn, and sometimes bad consequences for bad choices are the best teachers.
I used to say to my kids when they were young. You can have two forms of attention. One which is loving and kind or one that is angry and not so kind. Which attention do you prefer? If you do as you are asked first time you get the loving kind attention, but if don’t do as I ask, then you will get the angry unkind attention. My eldest son got it, my youngest son didn’t. My youngest son thought that if I asked him to do something that it was a choice, and he thought he had the choice to say no. His response was always no. It took me a while to work out that if I asked him to do something, he thought he actually had a choice to say no, or not come when I asked. It was only when I demanded that he do something that he would do it. I had to change tactics with him. I had to say, “alright, whenever I ask you to do something, it is me being nice, but take it that I am demanding that you do it, it isn’t a choice to say no” I know some of you might cringe at that, but it worked. (He’s autistic) I had to make him aware that these things I asked him were not a choice, and that consequences will happen if he doesn’t do them. Banning from devices for a few days. When he was a little kid sitting still on a chair facing a blank wall in time out also worked too.
I was going to asked my daughter to charge her ipad for the third and this time with a very loud voice. I paused the article when you suggested to give them 2 choices. What I did was the following Either charge your ipad OR (she was expecting OR ELSE) I will charge it for you but you will have to pay me 50c. She is busy find the charging cable now with a smile on her face 🙂
Thank you this! I tried it this morning. Me: do you want to take a bath or shower? Baby: I want to sleep Me: do you want to use your feet to take a bath or use my feet? Baby: I don’t want to take a bath Me: do you want to use your feet or my feet to take a bath? Baby: my feet Me: 🙌🏻 ::giggle inside::
I’m an Aspie so I just called my 4 year old over and asked her if I start putting her in time-out immediately when she ignores me if she prefers that to being eventually snapped at. “I think that would work daddy”. Asked if she was planning on spending a lot of time in time-out for the current issue. “It’ll probably take at least 5 time out’s daddy”. So I asked her if she could just think it over and not have to have the time-outs. She gives me this dead serious look and whispers “No…I don’t think so”, then looks at me inquiringly to see if I have any more questions. Fair enough, at least we’re on the same page now.
Don’t even need to watch article. 1). Lower your voice to a whisper- they will 100% focus on you then 2). If they decide to not agree with your directives for their benefit then just be fair & do same when they turn the table (meals or whatever). Allow them to experience the result of their own intentions and actions. They will then modify themselves. No yelling, no anger just fairness in learning. If a child decides to stick their hand over a flame after fair warning- perhaps the love lesson is to allow them to discover their own resolve. Doubtful they will make that choice again. The lessons of love do NOT mean compliance mommy. Obviously, you’ll know the differences in reasonable magnitudes. Have fun.