Parents raise children in a loving household, and as they grow older or face other circumstances, they may feel a sense of guilt for not providing help. This raises the question of whether children owe parents a living for raising them, and whether it is responsible for parents to automatically count on their children’s future contributions.
A rocky upbringing can greatly influence what children feel they owe their parents. While some argue that children owe their parents respect and gratitude throughout their lives, others question the idea of an inherent debt. A stay-at-home mother, Lisa Pontius, suggests that children should not do chores because they owe their parents, but rather encourage them to do chores to learn valuable skills.
The American model of parent-child filiation expects parents to make significant financial sacrifices for their children, which is deeply entrenched in several cultures. However, children do not owe their parents anything, even if it is about respect and love. Parents owe their children time, food, protection, love, and effort to raise them, as they are responsible for creating them.
Some parents do a lot for their children, but what do adult children of such parents owe them? Is there a debt of gratitude? Grown children do not automatically owe their parents anything, but to have a relationship of honoring their parents with love and respect. It is time to question whether it is responsible for parents to automatically count on their children’s future contributions as their primary retirement plan.
📹 Do Our Kids Really Not Owe Us Back For Raising Them?
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Do I owe my parents for raising me?
Parents are often accused of sacrificing a lot for their children, leading to a toxic state of mental indebtedness. This pressure can be attributed to a false sense of guilt and duty, which prevents the child from following their inner desires and sets them up for a life they never chose for themselves. The child may feel obligated to give back to their parents, but this can lead to a toxic state of mental indebtedness that prevents them from living the life they truly desire. It is crucial to recognize that you do not owe them anything and that they do not have the power to decide how you should live your life.
Are adult children responsible for their parents?
Over half of all states have laws requiring adult children to financially support their parents, including long-term care costs. These laws obligate children to provide necessities like food, clothing, housing, and medical attention for their parents who cannot afford to take care of themselves. States may allow civil court actions, criminal penalties, or both. Most states do not require children to provide care if they lack the ability to pay, and factors such as abandonment or lack of support can vary. However, most states do not require children to support their parents if they have not been financially responsible for their parents.
Should we repay our parents?
Children often forget the sacrifices their parents have made for them, leading to a lack of time spent with them as adults. However, children should express their love and appreciation for their parents by spending time with them, sending money, and supporting them as they age. Reverend Geary Reid’s book offers answers to these questions and offers suggestions for how children can help and support their aging parents.
Reid believes that children cannot truly repay their parents for their sacrifices, but they can foster a more loving, meaningful relationship by properly expressing their love and gratitude. By spending time with their parents, verbally expressing their love, and supporting them as they age, children can foster a more open, loving dialogue with their parents.
Reid encourages children to express their gratitude in various ways, not waiting until their parents are sick to show their gratitude. By spending time with them, verbally expressing their love, and supporting their parents as they age, children can foster a more open and loving relationship with their parents.
Do kids owe their parents or do parents owe their kids?
Parents owe their children the responsibility of preparing them to lead their own lives, develop their talents, and pursue their own path to happiness. The mother may have placed her emotional needs above the child’s, exploiting their inability to assert themselves. It is never too late for enlightenment, and the necessary course is to establish new arrangements for parental care shared by four siblings.
This will take numerous conversations and test assertiveness skills, but will also test the life the child plans to lead, which they are equally entitled to. Additionally, the mother’s recent fall may not allow the child to get a job and live a normal life.
Should children pay back their parents for raising them?
Children should never be held liable for their parents’ debts, and if they do, it should come from a position of appreciation and love. If children do not “owe” their parents, it could lead to the need for more expansive social support programs. Governments may have to step in to help those who are aging and may not have adequate savings, which could be a huge financial undertaking and potentially lead to significant tax increases to keep such programs running.
Should kids help their parents financially?
A survey reveals that financial support for parents varies by age, with 78% of adults aged 55 to 64 not planning to provide any financial support to their parents. This may be due to the shorter retirement savings window and the lack of the means to support their own children. Similarly, 67% of adults aged 35 to 44 do not plan to provide financial support to their parents, likely due to their focus on their own children. The survey suggests that while helping parents is a noble act, it should not jeopardize financial stability.
Do I owe my parents for being born?
One is born to a person who has elected to become a parent, and thus, it is the responsibility of that individual to provide care for the child until the legal age in the country of residence. Should the parent continue to provide care, the child is under no obligation to provide anything in return.
Do you have to pay back your parents?
Credit card companies often send demand letters and calls to the executor or next of kin to collect debts. They often assign these debts to collection agencies, who often harass and demand payment. However, credit card companies must file a claim with the probate court against the parent’s estate to collect. It is not up to the parent to satisfy the debt, as creditors must go through the proper channels to get paid.
If the parent wants to keep their property, the mortgage must be paid by someone, or the property will be foreclosed and repossessed. If the mortgage balance is more than the house’s worth, it is best to prevent foreclosure, especially if there is significant equity in the property. If the parent’s will states the property is to be sold and divided among beneficiaries, the executor usually uses estate money to keep the mortgage current until the property sells.
Do I have to be responsible for my parents?
Children are generally not legally responsible for their parents, but there are exceptions. If you are a co-signer or guarantor for your parents, you can be held personally responsible for their debt. Additionally, if you have a joint bank account, you can be held legally responsible for the entire amount, regardless of who contributes the money. This is especially true if you contribute your own money to a joint account with your parents, as your parent’s creditor can take the entire amount.
As for your spouse’s debt, you can be legally liable if you are a co-signer or guarantor of their debt. However, a spouse is not responsible for debt incurred solely in the name of the other spouse. For example, if your husband or wife runs up a large credit card debt, you cannot be held legally liable for that debt.
An important exception to this is medical bills. Illinois has a law called the “Rights of Married Persons Act”, which makes a spouse legally liable for the medical expense of the other spouse, even if they did not authorize it. This is often used when representing injured individuals without health insurance. A husband may be in a serious accident and incur substantial medical bills, and the wife can be held legally liable.
Do children inherit their parents debts?
Parents are not responsible for their debt, as it is managed through their estate and disposed of. However, if you choose to take out a joint loan with your parents or assume a burdened asset from their estate, you can voluntarily take on their debt. This is true regardless of whether you inherit assets under their estate. The estate must settle any debts before you can inherit. Children often share financial responsibilities with aging parents, such as medical and housing costs, which can make it feel like you are responsible for the debts your deceased parent took on. A financial advisor can help create a personalized financial plan for your budgeting and savings goals.
Are you obligated to take care of your parents?
Individuals are obligated to care for their elderly parents, but filial responsibility laws obligate children to provide them with clothing, food, housing, and medical attention. In the United States, 30 states have laws requiring children to take care of their elderly parents. However, 11 states have not implemented the statute establishing this filial obligation. In Arkansas, children are only liable for mental health-related medical expenditures, but not for nursing home or hospital visits.
Some state laws are less stringent, like Arkansas, while others, like Pennsylvania, take these regulations very seriously. Depending on living situations, individuals may or may not be required to care for their elderly parents.
📹 What Do Children Owe Their Parents?
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After my dad passed away, my wife and I moved to a new state and invited my mom to move with us. She has two rooms in our new house. My mom never has to worry about money or not being able to pay her bills. She recently fell ill and we were able to take care of her. My mom did a lot for me in the past and I don’t really consider this “paying it back” because we owe her, it’s because we are family and we help each other out.
Never heard Ramsey before! Great clear thinking! I left an abusive mother at 17 with $500 I earned from summer jobs. She never helped me. I became a multi-millionaire on my own. Now in her old age she believes I owe her for having fed and sheltered me as a child. She’s worth a couple million on her own and lived extravagantly. I don’t speak to her which is considered awful because we’re Japanese.
My Dad promised to buy me a car if I did good in HS. I graduated with a 4.1 GPA and did not get a car. I obtained a bachelor’s degree and while my friends all got a graduation party from their families, I didn’t. I got a job right after college and asked if my Dad could buy me a car. He said no because he had no money. He borrowed $1500 from my 80 year old grandma to buy me a rust bucket. I got married in 2018 and did not see a single dime from my Dad. For the past 18 years, he has been traveling overseas and spending well over $10k per visit. This year will be his 19th time going. He’s now 60 years old, has no job, no house, no car, and no retirement plan other than living off of SSI. Before he left for his travels, he told me to buy a house so that when he comes back he can live with me, my wife, and my kids. Basically, I’m his retirement plan. Sorry Dad. You don’t get to fail your job as a Dad, and expect your son to be your retirement plan. By the way, I’m Asian.
My mother went from housewife to bread winner after my parents divorced. She had no college degree and finished raising two boys on her own. During an interview for my first job out of college, the interviewer asked, “If you suddenly had one million dollars, what would you do with it?” Without hesitation, I said I would buy my mother a house. My mother would never have asked, but I feel like I owe her for taking care of us, when my father wouldn’t. Yes, I got the job. No, I’m not a millionaire… Yet.
If my dad ever asked me for help, then I know without a shadow of a doubt that life just went belly up for him. He is a proud, self made, and responsible man who did his best to raise me and my brother alone. He wouldn’t ever ask us for help unless he explored every other possible option because he has integrity and principle and the grit to pull himself out of so many messes life threw at him. I hope that day never comes, but it is my goal in life to be able to turn around and say “no problem, we got this.” and help him out because of everything he did for us. Not out of a sense of entitlement, but out of a respect fostered through years of nurture and leadership. Took me a while to realize I was a lucky kid, cause I got a cool dad.
You chose to have them, they didn’t have a say. That’s your responsibility as a parent, not an investment. Edit, 1 day later at 699 likes: Since so many people have a hard time understanding. Your child is not an investment, they are a free thinking individual with their own life, choices, memories, thoughts, and expectations. If they are happy to help and in the place to help, by all means but that choice is theirs not yours as a parent, nor ours as a 3rd party. “Put them through college” and “Bought them a car” could mean so many things, did they just co-sign loans or completely pay for it all and they are debt free kids out of college? We do not know how the parents were as parents, nor do we know the kids truly. It’s not black and white for if they should or should not help. My statement is in regards to the entitlement that because they spent money raising kids that their kids help them recover. “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”
Family members help each other throughout life. Not because they are obligated to do so but because they love and genuinely care for one another. So as one family member is doing well and has the ability to help other members that may not be doing so well, he/she should do so. But in real life the dynamics of families seems to be so delicate that it quickly breaks down and the helping part doesn’t occur. The bottom line is that we are all trying to get through this thing we call life so the more we can help each other the better off we will all be when facing a difficult time.
We put our two sons through college and gave each a car. We spent a lot of time with them when they were growing up. We have helped them with considerable money gifts to help them get established. They are doing great now, but we would help them again if there was a specific goal they needed some help with, like helping with a down payment on a home. We have been blessed with good finances and will probably never be in need of financial help. We are close to our kids and when we get too old I believe they will be there for us to help in any way they can. It’s not an obligation, it’s a bond of love.
When I saw the title I thought this was gonna be some entitled parents who expect their kids to fund them because they raised them. Then I relaized what they raised were a bunch of selfish brats. They paid their kids way through college, bought their cars, and still pay their phone bills, and the kids have the nerve to say “so sad but sink or swim not my problem” after they went through 2 disasters back to back. FOH 😡 If I made 6 figures I would help my parents with whatever I could in this situation even though my parents couldnt afford to pay for anything for me.
Unbelievable. My father had 4 boys. He’s a doctor. Paid all our college, started us debt free. Paid my first car out of college. Helped me buy my first town home. Today I’m 40 and making nice six figures. So are the rest of my brothers, 2 of whom are doctors. IF my father ever asked for help, I wouldn’t hesitate for even a minute! Is that a serious question? I’m Asian, maybe that’s the difference. Americans seem to ditch their parents, not Asians. If I was the dad and my doctor kid and other kid all making six figures abandoned me financially, after all I paid for EXTRA beyond age 18, I wouldn’t leave one penny of Inheritance to these selfish and ungrateful adult children. The problem also lies in parenting. Those parents never taught their kids the value of family and taking care of each other.
I can’t imagine not taking care of my parents if I had money and they were suffering. Recently my ex and I talked and she mentioned she had almost no food in the house until her SS came in. I let our three daughters (all well off) know this by email and in days Mom had phone calls and checks. It’s called love.
Other cultures help their parents; my daughter-in-law is from Thailand and she has so much respect for her parents. When she was visiting me she wanted to hold my hand as we crossed the street; she really showed compassion. When growing up my single aunt lived with my widowed grandmother. Society in America has changed.
While I don’t feel like kids are obligated, it would be nice to help because that’s what families do. I did a flip with my parents and they decided they wanted to move into the house. As part of the profit split, I took a much lower profit % so that they could could afford it more easily after paying me out. I helped them run the numbers and gave them over $200k in value. It’s nice to be able to feel like I paid my parents back on some level
Honor your mother and father. It makes me disigusted as a millenial how many many in my generation and younger feel no duty to help care for their parents when they get older. That has been the arrangement for thousands of years. When you are young and vulnerable your parents care for you. When your parents get old and vulnerable you care for them. Other cultures outside of the U.S understand this.
I’m going to go out on a limb and actually disagree here. It is a parent’s job to get you all the way through high school and take care of you to 18. Anything above that, was gracious. They helped them by paying for college and providing good vehicles to their children that put them in a position to succeed and be ahead. In this case, I do feel the children are obligated to help given that their parents helped them be in a well off position.
Dave’s right, it goes both ways. Parents are not entitled to anything from their children once they become adults. Likewise, children are not entitled to anything from their parents once they reach the age of 18, including an inheritance since that belongs to the parents. However, families should help each other through hard times if they are able to do so. Sometimes that means giving money, other times it means giving your time to help them. Families (parents and kids) need to learn to help each other when necessary and respect boundaries without having an entitlement attitude. It’s also important to help in a way that prevents future problems, so family members don’t become dependent on you, take advantage or enable bad behavior.
Beatrix Potter (who wrote the Peter Rabbit books) was told by her parents that she was born to take care of them in their old age. She would not be allowed to marry or earn money off her books (it went into the parent’s banking accounts). She did wait until after their death to marry a man she’d loved for years.
In spite of Dave’s contradiction of Scripture (Matt 15:5), we should all help true needs. The trend today, as Scripture predicted, is for grown kids to be hateful and disrespectful to parents. Many are not, but it’s definitely a popular trend. Victim mentality and entitlement means that their imperfect parents will be targeted bc they didn’t give them a perfect life. (Not talking about true abuse cases.) So they think they owe no one and nothing. We all owe the continuing debt of love. Not just anything they want or demand, but love meets needs (including to be present). And love cannot turn away from true need, only from selfish demands. There’s a huge difference. You don’t owe your parents a luxury cruise or to be at their beck and call. But unless they abused you (not to be confused with simply being imperfect), you do owe them honor, to visit/call them sometimes (and take their calls when you can) and especially, to meet whatever needs they truly cannot that would diminish basic quality of life like having food, help with their walker, or visit them in a nursing home (and especially, be sure their care is good there!). If they get dementia find a way to keep them safe. You’re not a leaf that sprouted on a tree. You’re a human being that took a lot of care and often caused them way more grief and work than was necessary. And a lot of parents sacrifice to give more than required. They didn’t owe you the extras. Only a selfish brat would take all that and say, “I owe nothing.
I can hear a lot of Dave Ramsey, but this was hard to hear… that he would not share that it is commendable to help your parents. My mom raised 9 kids and the ones she helped the most dipped when she fell sick. Over caring and over helping and enabling without teaching morals and respect for your parents and others is sad. All those kids were starting careers debt free. I didn’t get financial assistance from my parents and today mom stay with me in her own small place on my property with a few siblings assisting how they could when the building stage happened. Moral of the story is don’t do everything for your kids, let them learn how to problem solve so they are not self focused later in life. This one is sad and I’m from America, born and raised. It makes me wonder will their kids do that to them when they age. I watched Mom give to everyone so in return, the Lord blessed me to pause life for a little to set her up on our property so she doesn’t have to worry in her old age.
I don’t see anything wrong with kids helping parents out when they are down and out. I make many times over what my parents make and wouldn’t want to see them struggling to get by as they have struggled all their lives to give me all they could. To show my appreciation I bought them a beach home in socal and pay for all their bills. Maybe it’s just an Asian thing to do but I don’t expect my kids to do the same.
Btw, I don’t think dads are OBLIGATED to buy their children cars and pay for their college. It’s nice when they do (although that could discourage their kids growth and self-development), but dads are definitely NOT OBLIGATED to do so, their role is to provide food, shelter, and protection while their kids are growing and getting up on their own feet.
My parents don’t expect money or anything from me or my siblings. However, all of us help out on the farm when we come to visit. It is how we were raised–when we visit, we stay an extra day or 2 and work our butts off. And on the flip side, when our parents come to visit, they help out at our place, too. When we go visit for an upcoming wedding, you can bet your butt that I will be dropping trees and cutting firewood, etc. Wife will be cooking and cleaning (not full time, but several hours of effort). When they come visit at New Year’s, my dad will help do some electrical work and my mom will do some cooking and cleaning. Not of this is OWED, but we do what we can for each other. This call is ridiculous.
As a new mother nursing my baby while listening to this, it didn’t settle with me. While I do agree no baby should ever be a retirement plan, nor do I want one to be, read 1 Timothy 5. You know, where it tells you to “Put your religion into practice by caring for your own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.” My husband and I talked that when it comes to our parents we are comfortable giving them our 10% tithe if any of them need it. We are not their retirement by any means, but it is a blessing to give back. Let’s have respect for our parents and our elderly while also looking to the future. Which means love everyone and get yourself in a position to help everyone who asks of you. Matthew 5:42
My kids take care of me so I don’t need much, so I help them out anytime I can. They are appreciative and I am appreciative. Figure I don’t have a lot to leave them, so why not spend my money on them now while I am alive. Brings me great joy to do so. We have always been close and remained so even when they took their own paths.
My father and my mother divorced. He made up crazy lies about my mom that we believed when we were child teens. He got custody of us and we moved out of state, wasn’t even allowed to call our own mother or talk to her in years!!!! The lies he fed to me and my sister were bullshit. Not only that, he made promises to me that he broke. Also, when I was 19-20 years living in the house with my father and step mom, he was beyond controlling, I as a 20 year old daughter had to still ask permission to leave the house. No I will not speak to him ever again! Maybe if he was a good father, not controlling and a liar it would be a different story
My friend works with geriatric patients. Most of you don’t understand the physical and emotional suffering they experience after they have been abandoned by their children and treated like an exhibit at a museum when their children bring their grandchildren. Then, the grandkids think this is normal and do the same thing to their parents. The cycle then repeats itself.
I gladly honor, love, and help my mother with whatever I can, for showing me love and doing the best she could, always, when raising me. However, I’ve never felt it’s been an obligation for having me. I choose to thank her with words and actions for being a good person to me, but neither her or I have ever felt that I’m indebted to her for the sole fact that she chose to have me.
As a portuguese/european this a weird take from Dave for me. I guess this also depends on culture as Rachel said. In my culture it’s an unspoken rule to always help your parents when you can. We’re very family oriented. Not sure about this specific situation but Dave speech kinda makes me sad about America, very individualistic society. You should honor your parents till the day they die and beyond. You definitely owe them (except some specific instances of abuse, etc).
The comments are completely insane! What happened to “respect your elders?” Kids are lucky if they have two parents at home that love each other and proved everything in order for them to be successful. Sorry, this is insane. God specifically says children should obey and love and take care of their parents if necessary. Typical Western view of the Bible.
This is why the birth rates keep falling. More people are considering how thankless being a parent is. To pump thousands of dollars into a child, do all the emotional labor to raise them and for them to grow up look at their parents struggling and say ‘I don’t owe you anything’ is so incredibly selfish. You should be helping your family.
I didn’t become financially independent until I was in my late 40’s, and I’m still in my 40’s. In addition to having purchased my second home and earning money on a monthly basis through passive income, I’ve also achieved three out of five goals. I just hope this inspires someone to realize that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any of these things yet, you can start today no matter your age. Change your future by investing! I made a rather big decision by investing in the financial market.,
I agree children don’t owe their parents for raising them, but college/university occurs when you’ve reached legal adulthood. Adults owe other adults when extreme generosity is given, and when anyone’s 100,000+ dollar tuition is paid in full by someone else, basic gratitude is typically expected. The fact that the ones funding your tuition are your parents is irrelevant, once you’re 18 their moral/legal responsibility for you ended at that time. If they continue to support you, the “strings attached” are now reasonable
Hearing this was sorta weird. I mean, I moved to my current location 11 years ago to help my son, who was a single dad, take care of my toddler grandson. Six years later, he remarried and I was (and am) fine on my own. A few years after that, he inherited some money and the first thing he said was, “Mom, I’m going to replace your 18-year-old Toyota, tell me what you want.” I didn’t even ask or expect, and he helped me find a great Jeep. We still help each other out pretty often in small ways. This is just what families do for each other.
I don’t expect my kids to help support me when they are adults. They didn’t ask to be born I made that decision. I expected them to become grown self supporting adults. But I was raised to help my parents out of love. I moved my mom move in with me and took care of her the last 2 years of her life because she is my mom and she bent over backwards to take care of me when I was young. She sacrificed so much, that she gave me her only vehicle to drive back and forth to college until I could afford to buy my own.
They should WANT to help their parents out. They obviously were raised to be little brats that just take. That’s why they are perfectly fine having their parents pay their bills. I would never leave my parents to deal with a burden this big. In the Latino culture we take care of our elders. I don’t fund my parents lives but if they have a disaster I’m gonna be there for them. They took of me so I’m gonna pay it forward to them. Period.
What about when you are elederly???? We absolutely should be taking care of our parents. Especially in these difficult times. Maybe these parents are behaving badly but i disagree with the general statement on kids are not obligated to help. The dad did more than give them some food. Let this be a lesson, dont give your kids anything
In Asian culture you are taught to revere your parents and take care of them. But that doesn’t mean you bail them out financially. In an Asian family, even here in the USA among Asians, the elders live with you. You watch out for them, and they watch out for you. They may have their own money, but family takes care of family. Traditionally, if you have children, you have your elders involved… even in child care, if it is feasible. As far as money, yes our parents helped my sister and I, but once we are out in this world, we didn’t get a single dime from them. We have this intergenerational family more as social connections. My parents are financially stable and secure by themselves. The only time I expect to do anything with their money is when I have to execute their wills and appropriate. I am the executor…not my sister. If mommy needs cataract surgery, I get it arranged. Things like that. If they are ill I do something. My wife and I have no children, but my sister does. My parents are very close to their grandchild. That is the extent. If Mom or Dad wanted money, it would be a talk. It would be an ask rather then an expectation from them. Even then, it is an agreement, with negotiation, not that “I owe them something”. Yes I owe my parents something, but it’s not money. I owe them social connection. I owe them my presence. I owe them my family’s presence. I owe them in the way where I must excel as an independent person and so good as they taught me. That is what I owe.
You decided to have kids. The consequences of that is that you are obligated to take care of them. I wouldn’t even call it a consequence, but a blessing. You get to have kids and raise them. That doesn’t mean that you have to pay their phone bill. But it does mean that they don’t owe you for coming into the world.
This is wrong in so many cultures. There is an obligation to make sure your parents are taken good care of in thier old age. This might not mean paying their bills, but to make sure their needs are met one way or the other. I can cite examples where this is required by law in some countries. Our society morality rot is in part to this horrible line of thinking.
In some cultures you truly are your brother’s keeper (and your parents’ as well.) Debts and wealth are treated as family matters. Whether this is a good thing or not is open to debate, but I can point out that if there is a breakdown in the ability to raise children, the grand parents are usually recruited and made liable even in our own, highly individualistic culture.
A lot of parents spend money recklessly, because they know their kids are rich, and that they can tap the kids for a guilt-financed bailout. It’s not fair to get yourself into debt to get a nice car, refuse to get home insurance, knowing the risk, and then when it all blows up in your face, you tell your kids to be responsible for your own financial impropriety. They weren’t part of creating your mess. They’re not supposed to be part of cleaning it up!
Kids don’t owe their parents anything. Parents choose to have kids, kids didn’t ask to be born. Parents that use their kids as a retirement plan is selfish. Parents dont owe their adult kids anything. Adult kids need to be financially independent and pay their own way. Adult kids that use their parents as a ATM is selfish.
Everyone’s family situation is different and there are no cut and dry set of “rules” you to this and I’ll do that. My mom worked three jobs and did everything she could to raise three kids. A life goal of mine is to take care of any needs she has. She doesn’t ask for this, this is a goal I have because she is such an amazing human being. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and Dave has wisdom but he is not God. Come from a loving place as a parent/child/human being, have God help guide you through your decisions, and you’ll figure out what is best for your family.
Kids don’t ask to come. They’re not financially obligated to do anything for you. I, however, don’t agree with Dave on that we do it better than other cultures when it comes to intergenerational living situations. Where and when it makes sense for you and your family to have a situation where there’s more communal living then that works for your family. This disdain that we have in America for that type of living situation is strange to me.
American cultural attitudes they are discussing do not seem biblical to me. Entitled, selfish, each man for himself. It’s all good till a major crises hits. The Amish don’t have the perspective Dave has about your elderly parents. Each generation has a strong obligation to each other going both ways. It’s how our country used to be. Rachel seems more reasonable.
We are dealing with this now with our mother. They retired, bailed to Florida for 25 years, missed every Christmas. They never supported the homeless, donated time, even donated household items. It was an every man for himself mentality. Dad dies, suddenly mother thinks we are responsible for taking her in. Leans on us to do everything for her. We were shocked that she could not look after herself after years and years of zero support and zero advice.
Culture is so different (I’m Rwandan, raised in Canada). It’s crazy to think of my parents being in a pinch and I tell them I can’t help them, even though I’m financially well off. CRAZY. I think these children are selfish and lack discernment with what’s important in life; BUT also, these parents raised them to be so…. sounds like they spoiled their kids too much, maybe never saw them struggle or work hard. Life came WAY too easy for their children. My parents did everything to contribute to my success, including financially (ie. working extra hours/jobs, taking a loan out ON THEIR HOUSE so I could become a doctor), and I watched them do it. I can’t imagine ever leaving them hi and dry. I even have to convince them to let me pay for them now, anything they ever need I will be there. Families need each other ya’ll.
Surprising Dave doesn’t use the “travel agent for guilt trips” line in these scenarios. If these parents need financial help they should ask for it, not demand or expect it regardless of the adult-children’s financial situation. If mom needs help paying bills for the month thats one thing. If its “you owe me for raising you” thats a completely different mindset.
Are my parents going to pay me back for their 40 years of systematic abuse? What about their decision to destroy the value of their own home and property by hoarding? What about their behavior towards my children, forcing me to end all contact with them? What do I owe my parents? They never gave me anything but hatred and guilt disguised as “obligation” and “concern”. They rejoiced in my failures and disparaged my accomplishments while gaslighting me and piting me and my brother against each other. My legacy begins with me.
This is why there is a crisis in elder care and even child welfare. This individualistic approach to life. I come from a culture where we are raised with the mantra of ‘I am because you are’. Growing up, the only children I saw in orphanges and elderly I saw in old people’s homes were those from immigrant backgrounds. If parents died or were incapable for some reason, uncles and aunts, grandparents, neighbours, etc. stepped in. If parents aged to the point of not being able to care for themselves, children took them in, and prior to this, they acted as their parents’ retirement fund if the help was needed. I had the honour of caring for my elderly mother when she became incapacitated until she died. Those years, which should have been filled with peace and joy, were a struggle because my only sibling has a very western view of life and refused to help. That woman raised me, and I would have to have been dead myself for her to be neglected to suffer and pass on without dignity, protection, and love. I really disagree with you, Dave. Those children should help their parents if they have the means, and it should be a source of deep joy and contentment for them to do so. It was a source of deep regret to me that my mother passed on without me being able to spoil her with all of the material things I had in mind….cruises, a cottage in the grounds of my home etc. But I am content that I at least nursed her and loved her, and my son did too during his university term breaks. Give your parents some financial help if you can.
When my parents took sick in their older age, I felt an obligation to help care for them because I loved them. But they never sought my help financially. My Dad was a great provider who helped educate us and gave us a good foundation morally. If these people needed caregiving, there is a lot to do, help cook and clean, help with medicines, and help them all you can. But my Dad never asked me for money….he offered me money to help and I said no….I love you, Dad and Mom…..no regrets. That’s how kids can help as their parents get older.
Dave, listen to your daughter. This has been an American cultural weakness, and I’ve identified it my whole life. It’s essentially a Little House On The Prairie mindset… daughter gets married in her teens, and looks back from the carriage one last time at her parents… never to see them again. Even other Western countries in Europe aren’t this extreme and cold hearted about family than us Americans are.
I see the point of this – but at the same time personally if I was in a position to help, and my parents who were so wonderful to me growing up, we’re in trouble. I definitely would do whatever I could. My parents would never expect help and wouldn’t ask but I still feel like it’s selfish to have an attitude about it, especially if my parents home was damaged by an act of God.
I’m a physically disabled college student. Right now, I’m not in a position to help my parents financially (living off of SSI income). However, if I ever do get in a position to provide financial support to my parents, I intend to in a heartbeat, especially to my mom, who raised two disabled kids while being a single mom for the first seven years of my life. Life is nuanced, money is nuanced. Help each other out if you can. Good Lord.
My dad kind of had that mentality, he was sick and disabled, but neither my brother or I are very successful and well off. But I think he wished we were able and willing to help him with more things. He was very tall, and had a progressively demolishing disease. We just couldn’t quit our jobs and take care of him 24/7 with limited outside help and equipment. We needed professional and institutional help, which isnt the preferred for most people. 😔
I feel like you guys were way too easy on the children – what adult earns 6 figures and still allows their parents to pay their phone bill? That’s not okay. Also, according to the bible, there is a certain level of obligation towards family (if you’re able to help). 1 Timothy 5:4,8 – “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. … But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
I had to sit on this one for a little bit and now I’m adding another comment. It’s true that your kids don’t owe you, but I don’t understand why your kids are so selfish to not actually want to help their parents when they are obviously able to. However, I think it’s asinine that The parents are still paying their phone bill. Everything else as far as college and helping out with living in college, I see no problem with. The kids are just incredibly selfish people. I would give that money to my parents in a heartbeat. I think there’s also a cultural component. I am Persian For us it is expected that we will take care of our parents which does come with its own problems.
Dave is right. As parents we shouldnt expect from our kids. If we expect, it will only bring us disappointment (buddhist teachings). I have 2 sons and i will try to live by this rule. My own parents are generous people and helped my husband and I with our first house purchase although we dont earn much, we try to be good to them by other means; taking them to the doctors, shop for groceries, phone enquiries, car pickup and drop offs etc. And we do make sure every Sunday is family day with 3 generations enjoying family time together.
They sound like the type of parents who have always done “extra” things for their adult kids as a way of keeping them on the hook. Now the dad wants to cash that in and he’s mad the kids have said no. For shame though, those kids should not be allowing their parents to still pay phone bills for them. Dysfunctional on all sides.
I didn’t get a clear picture of what the parents are seeking as help from their adult children. Labor at the rebuilt house, a sum of money, or to stop paying bills? The “sink or swim” comment is cruel and not appropriate. The whole family needs counseling. The parents should sell thise cars and buy a 2004 Lincoln Town car or a 2004 Mercury Grand Marquis LS for $6,400! That’s what I did. Let’s Roll! Wolf Alaska 🐺
I started college when I was 15, my mom paid the first semester and I paid everything else. I got braces on my teeth when I was 17 and paid for it myself. I moved away from home when I was 18 1/2 and paid rent, utilities, etc. on my own. I bought my first house when I was 21. My parents didn’t pay for any of those things, but if they experienced any kind of tragedy, illness, etc. you can bet I would help them in any possible way that I could. In this article, quite frankly, Robert should have stopped paying his children’s phone bill a long time ago and the “kids” seem like they have resources, so they should at least try to help the parents out. I’m not saying buy a brand new extravagant vehicle, etc. But it seems that they should stop taking and help the parents through the tragedy.
I wonder why the kids wouldn’t want to help their parents. When I was growing up, I got zero from my parents. Dad remarried and had children and my sister and I from his first marriage got very little. My brother and sister from his now marriage grew up very priveledged. My dad has been ill now for some time and I always felt like you get what you give. Even though my sister and I have been the ones who call every day, take care of him when we’re asked to, the children that he raised priveledged couldnt give a hootin’ crap about their father. Im not saying that me and my sister are any better cause we decided to move to another state and build our lives seperate from our parents, but it just goes to show. My sister and I got pretty fed up with being the ones taking on the responsibility of our dad because he gave us the bare minimum, and now we figured, he’s married, got his kids and wife, they can deal with his ailments. And so, we just call every now and then and we’ve made peace with it. Our mother had a mental disorder and we had it rough growing up, we just always felt he could’ve done more. I’m of the mindset that you get what you give. If you are my parents and you raise me and treat me well, I will return the favor without asking for anything in return. But if you’re going to leave me in the struggle and only provide the bare necessities, then when you need me I’m gonna do the same. It’s that simple. Kids don’t owe you anything, but if you raise them right and treat them as equals, then it should come naturally to them to help you.
It is a choice to have a child. With that choice comes an obligation to the child until they can do everything for themselves. The child does not have an obligation to the parent. My adult children have helped me when I needed it because they love and respect me. I’ve helped them as adults when they needed it because I love and respect them. That’s how it should work once children are grown and moved out of their parent’s home.
We raised our children and they are all doing well. They owe us NOTHING! We chose to have them..we owed them everything. We gave them everything we had to give..and unconditionally love them. Our repayment is in seeing them succeed in all aspects of their lives. BUT…My siblings and I saw helping my parents as an Honor. My children say that helping us out when or if…is an honor.
They admit they were in debt for as long as they’ve been empty nesters because of cars. So, this has NOTHING to do with their adult children. They just don’t want to maintain accountability and are attempting to shift blame. I also imagine they added that bit about paying the phones for emotional manipulation- I’d bet they’re on a family plan and their bill would go up if they remove those lines. They are spenders who never thought life would happen to them. Now their grief is pouring out as resentment.
Raise your kids right and they will always be there for you when you grow older. I was raised by narcissistic parents. I was always told to be grateful for the bare minimum. Growing up I always felt the burden of ” I put a roof over your head and you have a bed to sleep on. ” like that wasn’t their whole responsibility. Needless to say. They earned the right to grow old alone .
One of the reasons I’m proud and happy being a Filipino is that our gratitude and love for our own family go through the roof, goes beyond what you would call an obligation. so much so that we take care of our parents, elders, and other relatives even when at times we don’t have much for ourselves. we take care of our own. we help famtily without being asked to do so. this is our culture, our legacy. family doesn’t end when your kids become succesful and build their own family. we make time and money for the family. period. you’d hardly see a Filipino in nursing homes.
I’m 25 moved out and paying all my own stuff. I enjoy helping my parents any way I can including financially and they still help me out too. Honestly though I’ve never felt obligated to help them for raising me. I did not choose to live this life, they chose to bring me into this world and are the ones “obligated” to take care of me. Honestly I hate that at a certain point many people will just leave their kids high and dry once they are “adults”.
When Jesus was on the cross one of the very last things he said was for his Apostle John to take care of his mother. If the Son of God, who in the moment of the ultimate sacrifice for mankind feels obligated to take care of his mother… Then that’s good enough for me as authoritative to take care of my parents.
My son doesn’t owe me or his mother anything as he did not choose to be in this world. I would be lying though if from the goodness of his heart he wouldn’t want to help us at some point because he loves us and appreciates how much love and support we provided to him throughout his life. Not because it is owed but because he has love in his heart for us.
I reasonably think not taking care of your parents in their time of need is a borderline obscenity and significant personal failure No doubt there are many factors: your capability, finance, time, distance, your own mental health, their personalities / habits / attitudes and whether you have brothers and sisters. IMO the assumption should always be that you have to do it if its needed. In a wider sense cultural and civil decay will occur when this doesnt happen.
This would be the first time I am in disagreement with Dave. Its because of our cultural differences. In all asian countries family is everything where as in the western culture its all about independence and self. If my parents went through a difficult time I would do everything in my capacity to help them.
Respect is earned. Love is earned. If you were a terrible parent, you will be treated as such. I never expect anything from my son because I made the decision to have him. It’s called unconditional love for a reason. You do not expect anything in return for that love. If you feel like your kids don’t appreciate you, then stop paying their bills. Kids are never in debt to you. Ever
I have a mother-in-law just like this. She has over a million dollars and yet tells my husband “you owe me Christmas/birthday gifts” except she wants us to spend $3,000-$5,000 on jewelry/electronics because “I raised you in a good home, I gave you Christmas gifts when you were a kid, now you owe me back” one thanksgiving right after the meal she pulls out the Black Friday ads and circles what she expected us to buy her that year.
My dad gave me a lump sum inheritance at age 25, the same year he decided to retire. Even after giving me a large sum, he sends me money on my birthday and for every major life event, as a gift. He didn’t have a fancy career or a high salary but he is extremely frugal and saved enough money to retire early and continue to spoil his only child. Thankfully, he also taught me from a young age to be frugal and maintain financial stability. He taught me responsibility by involving me in every household decision he made; all monetary and legal housekeeping. Since he retired I manage his money for him and help with anything he asks (we’re immigrants). My father gave me every thing he has and I would be honored to take care of him in his old age. I have immense respect for him because he worked hard to release me from the financial obligation of taking care of an elderly parent.
I disowned mine. Had 5 cancers no help at home. One told me to figure it out after I asked her why she doesn’t have one of her 5 teenagers help me with mowing. I had a full hysterectomy. One borrowed 4,000 to save her business. I’ve yet to see a dime. I told the funeral home to toss my ashes. Wait till both – itches read the obituary.
I’ve said for a long time that kids shouldn’t have a room full of toys, shouldn’t have their college paid for by the parents/grandparents, shouldn’t have their cars paid for by the parents/grandparents, should have a part time job during the summers while in high school. We grew up different and too many parents think that part of raising kids is to provide these things when it’s not. Teaching them good financial management so they can provide these things for themselves IS.
I somewhat agree with Dave here. The children never asked to be born and in a way it’s your job as a parent to raise and care for your kid. When they grow up, they might not be obliged to help you out in any way but it would be sad if they don’t do it from the kindness of their own heart. That means you haven’t instilled any good moral values into them.
I don’t expect anything from my child as far as her helping us out with our own expenses. My husband and I decided to bring her into this world and don’t expect her to take care of us when we get older. I do expect her to be able to provide for herself once she’s established, but she always knows that if we are able, we will always have her back financially if she needs us to.
You brought the kid into the world. No child asked to be born. Ofc it’s the parents’ job to raise the kid. BUT, if you gave your kid a good life, good principles, love, and support then they will WANT to take care of you like you took care of them. But i don’t understand why shitty, emotionally unavailable, abusive, absent parents always expect their kids to treat them like gods. Coming from a 22 y/o child who would be happy to give her mother the world but feels no obligation towards caring for my narcissistic, guilt-tripping, gaslighting father who thinks I owe him my life.
There is a big distinction between your obligation to take care of parents who were good parents, and your obligation to take care of parents who treated YOU like you were an obligation. My parents hated every minute of being parents, resented everything they did for us, and made sure we knew how much they regretted being parents. In such a case as ours, our obligation ended when we went no-contact.
I am Italian by descent and the idea that you do not help your parents or other family members when they are in trouble of any kind is completely foreign. Family helps each other..but with some boundaries, of course. Yes my mother did her job and fed me when I was a child. Now she is retired and is on a fixed income. If she ever calls me to tell me she doesn’t have food I send her groceries and I have her to my house for dinner and send home leftovers. That is call humanity not entitlement. Having respect for the people that loved you and cared for you when you were your most vulnerable is sacred. So if they need help you help them.
I would never leave my parent stressed out when I can help. I never felt that it was my parent’s responsibility to send me to college or set me off with as much help as it sounds these individuals received, I obtained a GI bill. If I were in this situation with my parent and they set me up successfully I would be happy to relieve my parent of this stress with nothing in return.
I am of the belief that the role of parents is to take care of their children when they are at their most vulnerable (ie. before they are adults), and the role of adult children is to take care of their parents when they are at their most vulnerable (ie. during the waning years of their life). The fact that the children won’t help the parents and the fact that the parents seem to feel they are entitled to their children’s help even though they appear perfectly capable of doing it on their own, indicates that both have failed at their job. In an ideal situation the parent’s would never ask the children for help but the children would insist on helping anyway.
What David Ramsey says is very practical but that’s the difference between practicality vs morality. The kids went to good college got good job, what they should not forget is since the parents were taking care of fees the kids focused on study. Our society is very self oriented, it’s your college, you want to study, you work for your tuition fees. Yes I do feel kids are obligated to their parents. If parents are taking bad decisions kids should advise them, if parents help kids on start of their life journey, kids should help parents on end of their journey. Again being practical vs moral.
Many parents (and I use the term loosely) see having kids as an investment and a safety net. They see the raising of those kids as a business transaction and a retirement plan. “By God, I took care of you, now you’re taking care of ME!! Forget about your life!! You’re taking care of ME!! Pay up!!” It’s sad.
Now…consider this! Jesus was the oldest son! Why on the cross did he asked John one of his disciples to take care of His mom? If the adult children are not supposed to take care of their parents, why did Jesus ask John to take care of His earthly mom? She was probably a widow. But it was so important to Jesus while he’s bleeding out after having the stuffin beat out of Him, crown of thorns jammed on His head, spikes hammered through his feet and wrist that He made a point to make sure His parent was taken care of! Answer that, if adult children have no responsibility towards their parent, isn’t Jesus is the ultimate example? Love your neighbor as yourself! Jesus had 4 people at the foot of the cross that were there for Him! His Mom, His Aunt, Mary Magdalene and John! Jesus showed the importance of His mom Mary! So I disagree! You can’t force or do we even ask our adult children for help. When we have asked for moral support, we got silence! It’s because we live in a very, very selfish entitled society! Have a very nice day! 🤷♀️🤷♀️
There’s a point where “parental obligation” turns into “going beyond for another human being”. The former is the child’s human right that absolutely doesn’t have to be returned in any way shape or form. The latter comes down to the values the receiving person has learned. I learned that if someone goes out of their way to help you because they care about you, you should always be ready and eager to help them in the way you can if they ever need help – they can’t expect it but they shouldn’t have to. Mostly because, ideally, you care just as much about them as they care about you. In other words: No, they are absolutely not obligated. But it should also not even be a question of obligation.