Doing chores is a crucial aspect of positive parenting, as it allows children to give back to their parents and feel a connection to the family. Holding them accountable for their chores can increase their sense of responsibility and make them more responsible. Research has shown that doing household chores is associated with improved social skills, academic abilities, and life satisfaction in kids.
To encourage chores, parents must provide age-appropriate chores, allow them to complete tasks at the same time, and set a positive tone. Modeling a positive approach to doing chores and celebrating children’s accomplishments can help build confidence in their ability to successfully perform and complete tasks.
Chores can also teach children important skills such as cooperation and responsibility, which can lead to greater success in school, work, and relationships. It is essential to explain chores clearly to each person and ask several chores to be done at the same time.
Chores also teach children about responsibility, time-management, cleanliness, respect for property, and problem-solving. This can benefit them both at home and in school. Additionally, chores can help children develop life skills, develop social interest, and feel capable by helping out at home.
To encourage chores, brainstorm a family job list together and create fun ways to do chores. Assigning children regular chores helps teach them responsibility and self-reliance. Weekly chores teach children life skills like responsibility and setting priorities that will be important for the future. Overall, doing chores is an essential aspect of positive parenting that can positively impact children’s lives.
📹 How to Raise Successful Kids — Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED
By loading kids with high expectations and micromanaging their lives at every turn, parents aren’t actually helping. At least, that’s …
Why are household chores important?
Chores can improve planning and time management skills in older children and teens by helping them balance schoolwork deadlines, housework, and social lives. They also provide a chance for families to bond, as chores can create special moments between children and adults. Children who always want to help feel important and receive a boost in self-esteem, while moody teens may open up over shared tasks. If you’re considering getting life insurance, contact Momentum Life for a no-obligation quote. Overall, chores can be a valuable tool for improving planning, time management, and family bonding.
How do chores help parents?
Children’s involvement in household chores can foster feelings of competence and responsibility, reducing stress and allowing for more enjoyable activities. Sharing housework can improve family work and reduce stress by allowing children to complete tasks sooner, freeing up time for fun activities. To encourage children to help with chores, choose activities that are appropriate for their ages and abilities.
Even young children can help with simple tasks like packing up toys, as they can feel valued and appreciated. Choosing chores that are easy and enjoyable can also encourage children to contribute to the household.
How do chores relate to positive parenting?
Research indicates that children who are given early chores grow into more independent adults, as it helps build confidence in their ability to perform tasks. Building trust with co-parents is crucial, and if chore expectations are lacking in one household, it becomes harder for the child to build this trust. Reading readiness is another key predictor of success in life, with 83% of children not reading on grade level by fourth grade at risk of failing to graduate from high school.
How doing chores can have children have some benefits?
Chores, such as washing dishes or folding laundry, are routine but necessary tasks that can have positive effects on a child’s self-esteem, responsibility, and ability to deal with frustration and adversity. These skills can lead to greater success in school, work, and relationships. While attitudes towards chores may vary, involving children in age-appropriate chores can teach time management, organizational skills, acceptance of responsibility, and a foundation for independent functioning. To help introduce chores to your child, consider the following tips:
- Encourage independence and independence.
- Encourage a balance between work and play.
- Encourage a positive attitude towards chores.
How do chores make kids more responsible?
Parents should present chores in a way that makes children feel they are contributing to the family, according to Robert Billingham from Indiana University in Bloomington. This helps build their self-esteem and teaches them life skills like responsibility and setting priorities. Starting early with simple tasks like feeding the dog or cat can help children develop these life skills. Even if they don’t grow up to be pro-athletes, they will still need to learn these life skills.
Chores should never be used as a punishment, as they may get done in the short term but will not last long. Instead, chores should be used as a sense of purpose and pride rather than a consequence. Starting early with simple tasks like making a bed, putting laundry in the basket, and putting dishes in the sink can help children develop these life skills.
How do chores teach discipline?
The involvement of children in household tasks not only facilitates the daily functioning of the family unit but also fosters the development of positive human qualities in the long term. The completion of chores provides children with the opportunity to develop a sense of responsibility, compassion, and the ability to work diligently. It is recommended that the implementation of a chore schedule be initiated at the earliest convenience, with reference to the comprehensive product line available to assist in maintaining familial happiness and wellbeing.
Should I help my parents with chores?
Your mom is a busy individual who works hard to keep your home running for you and your family. Showing her appreciation by helping with household chores can make her happy, build skills, and teach responsibility. Here are some simple chores you can start doing to help your mom:
Clean up after yourself, tidy up any mess, help with household chores like setting the table or taking out the trash, and ask her what you can do if you’re unsure. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Check your room for books, toys, and blankets and place them in their proper places. By doing these simple tasks, you can show your mom that you care about her and help her maintain a healthy home environment.
Why are chores important for adults?
Learning to do chores helps individuals develop organizational and critical life skills, enabling them to reach their full potential and live in the appropriate housing setting. Starting with simple tasks and gradually building on them, especially for autistic individuals, can be beneficial. Explaining and watching for signs of understanding can be helpful. Before moving on to the next step, ask your loved one what comes next.
If your loved one struggles with learning chores, consider using step-by-step visuals or backwards chaining, which shows each step in order. This approach can help your loved one feel more competent and capable, allowing them to live in the appropriate housing setting for their needs.
Why is it important to help your parents at home?
Research indicates that social isolation and loneliness can increase the risk of developing various physical and mental health conditions, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, cognitive decline, depression, Alzheimer’s disease, and a weakened immune system. This is particularly concerning for elderly individuals, as providing care and companionship can significantly impact their health. Giving to others, whether it’s time, money, or attention, creates a warm and happy feeling, activating areas of the brain associated with pleasure and connection. People who give their time to help others also have greater self-esteem, lower depression levels, and improved physical health.
What is the value of chores?
Chores, such as washing dishes or folding laundry, are routine but necessary tasks that can have positive effects on a child’s self-esteem, responsibility, and ability to deal with frustration. These skills can lead to greater success in school, work, and relationships. While attitudes towards chores may vary, involving children in age-appropriate chores can teach time management, organizational skills, acceptance of responsibility, and a foundation for independent functioning. It also provides an opportunity for success, especially for struggling children, and helps them balance work and play.
Are chores beneficial for children?
Chores are beneficial for both children and parents as they help children feel like they are contributing members of the family household. This fosters a sense of belonging and the value of being a group member. Children’s participation in chores can be seen in various activities such as school projects, neighborhood cleanups, soccer practice attendance, and serving lunch at local soup kitchens.
📹 Important PARENTING TIPS for working mothers. By Sudha Murthy
Whether you’re just launching your adult life or finally giving yourself permission to question assumptions about adulthood, learn practical strategies to build a future that fits you from Julie Lythcott-Haims. Enroll in her TED Course “How to become be your best adult self” today: tedtalks.social/3OmpymZ
My parents are farmers. My mom spent almost her entire life under sun and rain and wanting that her kids not end up like her. My dad was a small-village pastor who helped out in the farms whenever he could. They both understood the value of education,not just at home but in school as well. Discipline was important to them but they never failed to tell us and show us how much they loved us, even while disciplining us for our wrongdoings. But most importantly, even though they both never finished high school, they made sure to live by example in the things that they knew best: being compassionate, kind, loving and so on to any and every person. We’re 12 children. The twelfth had just enrolled into university as a nursing student. They have raised 12 children who will forever be grateful for having them as parents.
I told my daughter’s teacher that she will no longer be doing homework a few years ago. We now tell her new teacher every year the same. She thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t. She does chores, has horse riding, and family time, she is already in school 7 hours a day. And guess what, she scores the same as the other students but she is much, much happier. Our anxiety ridden 4th grader is now a confident bright young woman.
Lol I’m 14 and I’m already trying to figure out how to raise my future kids correctly😂I just see a lot of my friends suffering because of their parents and I’m like “nope, not gonna be me”. I plan on collecting knowledge throughout my teenage years so when the time comes I’ll hopefully be a good mom.
I’ve been pushed by my parents to be good at everything. In school, in college, in relationship. I’ve been told how to work hard, how to be best and not afraid. I also got a lot of love and support. Nobody would be disappointed if I fail, but everybody will be happy if I win. I’ve been pushed all my teenage years to be better than majority of my friends… sounds bad I know. And you know what. I am 30 y.o. woman who has everything that makes her happy. Stability, job that I love, family, opportunity to grow,travel all over the world, not worry about bills, broken cars, rents, finding job, saving money…. Yes, I’m not perfect, I’m human, and I don’t want to be perfect… but I’m very thankful to my parents,who pushed me so hard through my teenage years bc It really benefitted my future life. it really did. There’s no other way to get what you want in life except force yourself to go and do what you have to do . But when you’re teenager, your parents are your forcing power. And nothing is wrong with that.
My parents used to be like that. Then, when I got into the perfecte degree in the perfect college, I had a breakdown that left me bedridden for a whole year. They realized what had happened and now they are being absolutely amazing, understanding and encouraging-but-not-overbearing parents to my little brother (and to me as well). I love them so much, and I respect and admire them so much for havig the courage of admitting their own shortcomings and to truly rethink their parenting style to become better for their kids ❤️
I am a 25 year old female, who unfortunately grew up with such parents. I went to the best schools, I had food on my table, every “material” thing I needed, they provided. I don’t complain, I am really appreciative and respect my parents. But later on in life, I realized they neglected something else, my emotional growth.( Probably they had no information about it, they just did what they knew) I came to understand my parents were toxic, controlling and damaging to my emotional being. I realized that I had all these receptors of fear, anxiety, self doubt and yearn for approval. I realized that growing up, I ended up raising my ” emotional growth” on my own. I realized I ended up repressing every emotion that I felt because no one was receptive to what I felt. I realized that I was a sensitive and highly expressive child but every time I expressed how I felt, my emotions were blocked and perceived as weakness, meanness and seen as a difficult child. I realized that this helped my build confidence in order to protect myself. Every time any of my parents hurt me, I always felt the need to let them know I wasn’t happy. Instead, they overly criticized me and termed it as disrespectful. I had to reparent my emotions myself. I had to make myself understand that even though I got all the material things that helped me in my growth, I knew I lacked something. That is why I intentionally am interested in learning everything I need to know to become a healthy parent and raise balanced children.
This year I told my kids we are letting the pressure off. In an attempt to make children the best we are creating a generation of neurotics. I’m learning to hear what my children need from them. It’s ok if kids are not the best at everything but they should be the best version of themselves. Children need more time with parents. It’s the simple things that touch them, take a walk and just listen to them. Tell jokes and laugh together. Hug them everyday. The most important thing is to pray and ask God to guide you in raising them.🙏
My mother used my “successes” as her gauge to show approval and basic humanity. It was never enough for her to show love, only maybe enough to prevent the threats of leaving or avoid hearing that I was a complete failure. Take it from me, don’t push your children towards your goals; it only teaches them that they aren’t good enough to make it on their own. I was “successful” in school and was the first in my family to get a degree, but I was also the most miserable, sad child of all 10 of us kids. Is that success? I know it isn’t.
I think every parent must watch this article. We as a parent put so much pressure on our kids to be perfect in every thing that often, we forget that the pressure that we are inserting to our kids may cause of their anxiety and stress. According to most of the parents one who is good in academic only he/ she can become successful in life. Parents always forget to appreciate their kids work or at least effort that the kids put in carrying out any work, exam or even in household chores.
I wish I saw this article before taking multiple AP classes, becoming club officers, joining sports, volunteering at my church, and spending hours of my day doing homework in a bedroom. It’s very nice to say that I have these “accolades,” but I can’t remember the last time I had fun outside of an event that can be written on my brag sheet. Her talk was wonderful and quite applicable to my life as a high school student, however it wasn’t really my parents who created these standards, but rather my own interpretations of societal expectations. I hope that one day I will have transformed my checklist into a motivation for success.
My sister wants to be a doctor and is stressing out over getting into Stanford. I asked her how many doctors has she actually been to/seen that graduated from Stanford or even Harvard or even Johns Hopkins? ZERO. She can get a medical degree from anywhere and she’ll be okay. We need to chill the F out.
Raised “school smart” and “life stupid” was my experience, that and the resulting adult I was for about a decade after left me with a lot of scars. Education is great, but a healthy human being needs that unconditional love, those acts of kindness between people, and those opportunities to grow own resilience in all aspects of life. It’s that balance between “let kids be kids” and “children are people too”, meaning care and protect, yes, but let them think, do and figure stuff out for themselves too! That’s what I’ve come to believe, anyway.
Hardest part of being a parent is making your children be better people of society. Such as how to be kind people BUT at a same time not to be taken advantage by abusive jerk people. Another one: how not to spoiled your children, but at the same time, how to let your children enjoy life once in a while after a hard work of the day. A parents’ dream: to have their children grow up to be good people of society in making society better for the next generations.
I started tearing up. It’s good to see a parent acknowledge they screwed up and are coming to understand that their kids are people and not projects they can live vicariously through. I’m fortunate enough to even have parents who have “checklists” for me. What about the ones who don’t have parents? Or the ones who don’t want to fix their relationship with their parents because they don’t listen and we would feel safer and happier away from them? How do we empower ourselves when we don’t trust the adults in our lives to provide models for the human attachments you are lauding? What do we do? Sorry, I’ve got issues and I’m projecting. This is a very good step in the right direction, so thank you.
The scary thing about all she’s saying is that we often don’t realize we’re doing it. It took a while to realize the anxiety I felt when my child’s grades dropped were the result of believing they were a reflection on my own (perceived) failures. I wasn’t there enough, I didn’t help enough, I didn’t take enough omega-3s when I was pregnant, and on and on. When I finally let go a little, my child was so proud of her acheivements and not so hard on herself. Kind of broke my heart to see the pressure I was putting on her. We can guide but ultimately it’s their life and they’re the ones who have to live it.
I feel so good perusal this talk because I have been doing this with my 9 year old. Making sure she knows that the outcome of her efforts is hers, that chores, being kind, being strong, feeling capable, figuring out what makes you happy, are all just as important as good grades. There is no handbook on being a parent and at times, I find myself questioning how I am doing. What grade would I get for parenting? If there were such a thing? This was a great talk. Thank you so much for sharing it.
I went to one of the best high schools in my state that I competed to get into. I tried so dang hard to be the perfect student. I only slept about 4 hours a night and still I did not get the grades I wanted. Often I felt I deserved to die for not being perfect. I once said to my middle school teacher causally “what’s the point of living if I’m going to fail” and she turned me into the school social worker who then made me go to the emergency room. All my teachers acting scandalized as if there was something wrong with me instead of asking what was wrong with all this pressure. I graduated middle school in 2008 and high school in 2012 btw.
As parents we always need to realize its a short life and children are our greatest gifts. They need you and you need them, make them realize they are very much important to you and show INVOLVEMENT in the amount of time you spend with them. This involvement will resonate with their inner childish frequency enabling them to be more confident, compassionate and loving. DO NOT REPLACE material things for your time which will have negative impacts. No child was ever spoiled due to excessive love.
I am right there! I laughed so hard! Very refreshing to be reminded that our kids need us to be interested in lunch, smile at them, encourage them to take ownership of their own futures! I know I have over parented my teen. Always looking at what he could do better and not celebrating his amazing success. I needed this vibrant and humorous reminder.
this ted talk honestly made me cry. my issue is that i don’t think my parents have created that “checklisted” life for me, i think it was my own doing. i’ve been in honors and accelerated classes from the time i was a third grader. early on i learned to make my own checklist, to regulate what i was doing everyday, and my parents partially contributed to that. but i thought that their support of this lifestyle meant it was right, and i’m now a junior in high school that has collapsed under the pressure. the past three months have been the biggest educational downfall of my life, and i think it’s like what you said. i’m burned out, i’m tired, i’m anxious, i’m depressed. i have no sense of purpose anymore and i don’t do the work unless a teacher emails or calls and my parents yell at me to do it. they don’t understand that everything i’ve believed my entire life has come crashing down on me and i’m so burnt out. i always used to believe everything in school had to be perfect for college, and i couldn’t really accept it when i had to drop an ap class in sophomore year. i’ve had struggles with mental health for a few years now, and in freshman year one of my friends reported me and my only concern was that it would show up on my record and colleges wouldn’t want a “messed up” kid. this ted talk has helped me realized that i can’t be perfect, i just need to try my best. build myself back up. that’s what i’m trying to do, anyway. thank you for this. to other struggling kids out there: it will get better.
I had great grades and could have gone to some very big-name universities. I applied to all the major universities in NC (because of in-state tuition) including Duke and Chapel Hill. I was accepted into every school. But in the end, I made a smart financial decision to go to UNCA. I got the Teaching Fellows Scholarship and worked through college which allowed me to graduate without college debt. It’s funny because, before the pandemic, I was working with someone who went to Yale… I was in a leadership position above him. We both had degrees in Education but I paid far less for mine and ended up in a position that got more pay than him. Unless you want to be a lawyer or a doctor, it really doesn’t matter what university you get the degree from so long as it’s an accredited one. I am currently pregnant and have no expectations for my kid so long as they try their best at whatever they decide to do. They don’t have to go to college, there are lots of other ways to make money. My goal is to build a life-long learner who enjoys challenging themselves, so long as they do that I’ll be happy.
When you are happy, youself and confident in your abilities, you will probably find an occupation that resonates with you. Makes you happy, resonates with your personality and makes you more confident in yourself and your abilities, because it is the thing you can do best. That is how success will form, not only as a career, but also as a happy led life.
Wow!! That was such a great ted talk!! I appreciate my mom giving me a childhood of love and chores. The school system always pressured me that going to college is success, but my mom loving told me to do what I want to do. I did one year of college, decided to work, ended up in Walmart first-and grew amazing relationships and experiences that have taught me and grew me. After getting married and moving to the city I found it was time to move to a new job but I wanted it to be something meaningful and now I’m a caregiver and LOVE it!!! I’m glad my mom told me to always follow what I WANT, and it stuck with me.
Broke down in tears while perusal this. My parents cared more about my grades and how i stacked up against other kids than my happiness. Eventually failed out of highschool, then muttled my way thru community college. Hit my stride in late 20s. Got a masters degree. 36 now. No wife and no kids. Lots of friends. Making lots of money. Genuinely happy. But I rarely speak to my parents. Can’t help but wonder how I’d turn out if Mom and Dad had followed this approach.
I come from a village called basically called the end of the world. I was one of those checkbox kids. I have a 6 figures salary, a happy family and a happy life. Being a good student pays off and I feel these types of articles underestimate the power of a good education, the sacrifices it requires and the benefits you get in life from it.
Excellent talk. i almost feel like she was talking directly to me. I am so guilty of this. So guilty of first asking about the grades and the tests instead of just asking about my kids’ day. This has really opened my eyes and hopefully I can stop focussing on the academics and pay more attention to letting them just be.
I didn’t like school and I always heard “You can’t do it.” I wanted to become an artist and always heard “You can’t make money with art.” That’s why I always tell my daughter she can do it, she can do everything and if she needs help I will be there. And I ask her every day if she had a good time in kindergarden. I hope she will become a happy person regardless of how much money she makes or how successful she will be. I just want her to live a happy life and reach her own goals.
I’ve had this in my watch later for years and just watched it right now. I made a poem in high school a few years ago about this topic. My teachers used to say and continue to say that you’re going to be nothing but a number in university, at your job, and in the future in general. So many of my friends who were phenomenal people and smart and talented developed anxiety and suffered with their mental health because so much pressure was put on students at a young age and we constantly feel like if we mess up in high school that’ll affect any career opportunities in the future and ultimately the rest of your life. Now in university, burnout is so prevalent and perfection is the standard that we hold ourselves to because of our need for academic and career-based validation.
I had laughs and tears along the way when saw this great speech, as a parent to a teen, lots of the information matched what I’ve done or the other parents have done to the kids. I think it’s the critical time to have a reflection and change our way of parenting, thanks for the great tips been given, love and chores, I totally agree!
I’m a parent for 3 kids….and feel nervous about their future too. So sometimes i demand a lot, but like her speech…i sometime said to my first child, u dont have to be perfect, you just have to know what u like, and want to be in life, and be serious and focus in that. Because many people including me, entered great college, great company, but ended up of not being happy, i feel like robot, coz i live what my parents wanted me to do in life.
I totally agree with you coz my experience proved that. Some or many families focus on achievement, not love (self and others). I understand that because we still have to make sure that we can survive. With good career, we can have good life. However, we forget one thing, love is the most important as Bible says. With love, our world will have less crime and less chaos.
I dropped out of high school. Finished in night school at 28. Got into the university of York at 32 and the university of Cambridge at 35. Why? I found my passion. A wild kid is often a free thinker, i was, and not afraid to be different. Cambs saw that in me. Im not rich. Im not ‘successful’ I am living life on my terms.
This was an amazing talk…Now I came to understand that the same things are faced by all the kids over the world as I am an Indian most of the time me and my friends thought that Indian parents are the only ones who wanna their children to be perfect ….. Social media has really changed mindset of people nowadays
Nice article!! I have a 7yr old child and school keeps complaining to me thay he’s not doing well in class not finishing HW. I was yelling, pressuring to practice more online and now i realize that this will hurt more than help !! I know now that if you’re less upset with grades, and showing more love and kindness will help the child do more and be more successful
I have to admit I feel like one of those parent. This speech brought me to tears thinking how unfair I’ve been to my son since preschool… it’s true, a lot of it was ego, and the other part was caring what others thought of my “rowdy” son… now I realize he was just being a kid and I probably made him feel like something was wrong with him… terrible parenting, terrible
Thanks for sharing, I have to admit that even I share the same opinion that as parenet we only need to provide the nurishing environment and support our kids with love, but sometimes, we just cannot help overhelping, overenvolving,etc. However, we need to try our best to let kids to grow freely and happily.
Love begins with us and then we spread it to others. We have to choose to be happy by training our brains to see positive side in everything and this mind set can achieve a lot in life and one will be content and successful. Give kids some sense of freedom and let them make small decisions in day to day life.
She rocked this entire stage 🙌🏾 well done! I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and my job is to find out what gifts and talents are already within them and nurture that… Likewise their career choice being a stay at home wife wife working wife etc all that is up to them. Blessing to the Almighty for ever for giving us all children if light🌞 very thankful to hear this message
I thought this was going to be someone’s biased overview of how everyone should be raising their kids a specific way, pushing their own ideas and ideology they believe is the best way children should be raised. I was wrong. This woman was 100% spot on with every subject she talked about. I don’t think I disagreed with one thing she said. This is excellent advice, anyone who is raising a child should watch. Although, after thinking about it for a bit I do believe that the type of parenting she is talking about may not work out for EVERY person in the world. Depending on what country you were raised in and what your beliefs you and your family hold, I think you can still raise successful, loving children while still holding true to your way of life. This type of freedom of expression, and choosing your own path and what-not that Americans tend to lean towards may not work where you’re from. If your family has strong ideologies or religious beliefs and traditions, I think you can still raise loving, successful children. Children who can absolutely live a meaningful, purposeful and significant life.
I understand that there’s a long-term parenting cycle that (statistically) oscillates between “helicopter” parenting during political-crisis eras and “free-range” parenting during religious-revival eras. As best as I can tell, overparented children grow up in figurative strait jackets yearning to break free, while underparented children grow up wild-and-free but hungering to connect, while children are best-adjusted when parents avoid either extreme. This TED talk supports my suspicions. Thank you.
So im a teen. When she said ask us questions and be interested…Honestly sometimes i just dont want to talk, but if your kid just doesnt want to talk it doesnt mean they had a bad day. Just because im in my phone all day doesnt mean im addicted to it, i just either miss my friends and theres already so much to deal with online anyway. And when it comes to encouraging your kid dont over exaggerate, it just gets annoying. When your teaching us something new, dont treat us like we’re two, we usually know a lot more than you think. Just somes thoughts from a teen i guess.
My parents and I lived in Switzerland during my high school years and my parents were bewildered by the system here, where performance during high school seems to matter way less than in the US. College/Uni admission is (aside from Med school) open to anyone who has a high school diploma (granted, it’s a way smaller number than in the US, so there is clearly selection going on) and then what you do during your college years and after matters for what you do and who you become. And there are many paths to discovering who you want to be. I had classmates who failed math in high school and went on to get PhDs in non-math-related fields. At first it was odd, but then I learned more about the system and realized that there is much less rigidity in how people go about getting their education there. Some of my friends at university were a few years older and this was because they didn’t like school at 15, they left, learned a profession. They graduated from that track at 19 and then got their GED because they rediscovered an interest in school and went on to university and did well. The fact that they were an “underperforming” 9th grader never accounted for much. While there are shortcomings in this system as well, there are many aspects about it that I value a lot.
So real…I entered college with over a fullride for music and math, 4.0, 35 on the ACT, etc. I started doing heroin every day within a month, and after never getting anything lower than an A since kindergarten, started failing without the help of mommy. I left 3 semesters later hooked on dope and a failure.
Wow! this is beautiful. Through loving them the way they are even when they fail, they become a well rounded human being. My son when he was 2 years away from applying for University will study with his ear piece in his ears on his bed. Started behaving rebelliously and I told him that from experience that I do not see him passing that year. He kept saying Mum I know what I am doing, though not a genius he never failed before. Lo and behold he failed that year, he monitored the mails and made sure he got his result before we saw it and destroyed it. Above all he was disappointed at himself he nearly found it difficult to forgive himself. But my words to him were failure is part of life when we fail we just have to learn from it and move on. From that time we never tell him to study anymore, all we did was to support and encourage him. No one is perfect but unconditional love is the way forward.
I decided to study English by using TED and this is the first material I chose. I am also a mother of two children and a typical mother as Julie says. I overprotected them, absolving every chore to let them give some time for checklist. It is too late. Then, I had courage to expose my over-parenting and say sorry to them.
Very young children often experience Knowledge tremendously, but they are forced to adapt to environments where Knowledge is not recognized or expressed, where real honesty is not valued or experienced. They are extremely impressionable and sensitive, and so they pick up all of the powerful influences in the mental environment—the environment of thought around them. And because they are helpless and have not the strength yet to determine their own awareness and their own boundaries, they are open to all of these forces and influences. Having a positive mental environment for children is very important—an environment that is encouraging and yet emphasizes a kind of practical wisdom that they will need to function successfully in the world and to learn how to get along with other young people, and other adults as well. From a free online resource called “Raising Children” by Marshall Vian Summers
I started thinking about how overprotection affects children and realized the best way to raise my own children when I become a parent. Additionally, by learning how to raise my children in the best way in the future, I believe I can positively influence any children or adolescents I meet. Through this lecture, I learned about the drawbacks of overprotection and discovered that it can contribute to depression in adolescents. I am glad that I was able to gain insights from this lecture.
This article is very useful for parents who are too pushy on their children. It is true that it is said, that success is not always achieved with high scores, many awards, but with good habits and of course with one’s own will. because if you do everything based on your own wishes then you will be able to enjoy the process more without any pressure. thank you, you have made me realize that what my parents did all this time was right. they never determined where I should go to school, what I should become, what grades I should have, they just told me to do what I wanted so that I could sincerely do it.
I especially agree with the chores aspect. We shouldn’t expect someone to go out into the world and run big businesses or provide services if they haven’t been taught to pick up after themselves at home. And what’s more important is that chores are not work, but when chores are presented by parents as an unwanted task, resistance is inevitable. With breakfast comes washing up, with tv comes polishing, with the dog comes vacuuming etc
If you look at the audience, you will see faces of parents agreeing with Julie, parent reflecting on how they raised their own kids, and parents denying that anything she is saying has validity and that they know more than her, but the single face I see the most are the faces of every student going, “You’re god damn right”
I grew up in a family with “no housework only homework” parenting. I still messed up a lot in my adolescence, not got into a prestigious college. Then I got into Ivy league for graduate study (not college, I know, ivy league is only about the colleges). Now I am in my 30s, with two kids, having them with my first love in high school (my parents complained him for messing up my high school grades and college entrance exam), holding a PhD, having a decent job in top notch school. But I always feel I never know what I really want to do in my life. I could do my work with confidence but I have no passion (have to pretend to be passionate when being interviewed though). I think I am twisted. But still I love my parents so much and I understand they have done what they thought to be the best in parenting me, their only child and perhaps only hope. Their way of parenting could be questioned, but their love is genuine, and I think is unconditional. I could not see my life in a different version if I received different parenting or I was less rebellious in my 15-25s. I might have a hole in my life, but I still see sufficient amount of sunshine coming through it.
This is a product of our capitalist society were people are judged more on marks they got when they were 16-20 instead of what person they are. I as a 14 year old studying in a grammar school can say teachers and the school puts way too much pressure on us to be successful. I am not saying that the school should not put pressure on the students but it is too much.
Wow she nailed it. Brilliance is realizing in the present moment what you’re doing wrong and making the adjustments. What an awesome talk. Wish I would’ve seen this while I was raising my son. But I think I did a good enough job & I’m happy with the man he’s become. I hope this helps many other parents raise strong, happy and successful kids. Thank you!
I’m pondering these issues myself, and I don’t have kids yet. I too believe that kids should be nurtured in a way where they develop into stable, strong adults who are aware there’s more to life than money and accolades. The problem is the world around us is increasingly changing into one where adults like these will suffer, as the vast majority of people will be busy playing the “game” and will only value money, accolades, etc.
My parents raised me great. I love them very much but we were never a family who were disciplined when we got in trouble nor did we do everything with our parents (and I mean everything, we did a LOT with them but a lot of families do pretty much everything with their kids, it teaches them values) but my old nanny who I’ve known since I was 3 months old and her husband were like that. I spent a lot of time with her husband I’d help him put in fences, burn brush piles, mow their lawn, fix their cars, and so on. And it was FUN! I loved doing everything with them and it thought me the value of family and of raising kids right. I once talked back to her husband and he grabbed my arm and yelled at me to NEVER talk back to my parents, so I never do. They have definitely make an impact with me, and I hope to raise kids like that one day. Some may see it as “harsh” but I see it as the right way, at the end of the day, they’ll grow up to be good people. I’m only 16 so I don’t have kids yet obviously but I hope to have kids and be married already by the time I’m 30.
Advice from the Holy Qur’an; in order to be truly fulfilled and “successful” in this short life, children need unconditional love first, and then boundaries, and finally goals and desires that reach far beyond themselves, towards the Divine. If we can do this, we will touch upon their fundamental needs as a human being, God willing. Source: Surah An-Nas (Mankind), the very last “chapter” of the Qur’an. Peace be upon all of you.
I wish I had a “checklist childhood” because my childhood was chaotic and all over the place. My mom did not care about my grades or activities at all. I was old for my time not because my parents were overparenting but because I WAS playing the role of the parent. Everybody is different! I made sure I gave my son what I did not have and I’m proud of it.
This (most of it) can all be summed up in the heroes journey. As early as possible they are the hero, not you. You are the wise guide available to guide. We are equipping THEIR journey and THEIR launch. The wise sage that came before. What do they actually need? Love, self determination, and the know how to get the skills they think fit the situation and their desired end. We essentially work ourselves out of a job as early as possible and stick around as a trusted advisor observing and enjoying them and their journey.
I am so grateful that I didn’t do all this…. I made my children responsible for their school work, and I was there to help if needed, we were immigrants from the Netherlands, and I value very much that children are children, and learning is fun if you don’t connect it to rewards and punishments. getting good grades is a reward in it self- for gathering knowledge. And yes, my kids turned out very well and successfully. Powerful TED Talk! Indeed! Remove the parental ego!
The Harvard Grant findings were fascinating and perfectly incorporated into this powerful delivery. Their worth does not come from grades and scores. Love, nurture, take a step back. We are not living in the same world we once did. “Our kids aren’t bonsai trees to be clipped and pruned. They’re wildflowers. Our job as parents is to provide that nourishing environment for them”
I feel lucky that I was allowed to play outside freely with my friends in the neighborhood. I would fall down,get hurt, get back up, without my parents rushing to pick me up and save me from any distress or adversity. The Personal autonomy as a kid gave me resiliency and a better understanding the world around me versus being overly sheltered and having a parents projected fear being dumped on me. I was lucky To eat dinner every night with my parents and siblings growing up. I had a sense of stability and security at home to feel confident enough to venture out into the world and not be riddled in fear. I’m not perfect by any means but looking back I appreciate those things my parents provided me growing up in the 90’s and 00’s.
I’m 25 and I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I think mainly it’s because I wasn’t really given the true freedom to make choices for my own life with the risks that come with any choices you make. I have always been afraid to make mistakes, even up to this day and I’d beat myself up and I’m mindful on that. I still am lost in what I really wanna do as a career that I’ll love. I still don’t feel 100% confident in myself, to be honest. I have to learn these only after I’ve failed my professional exam twice after graduating from law school. Mistakes for me seem to be a “taboo” and I wasn’t guided how to perceive mistakes as a learning experience to be a better person. I wondered why am I low in confidence and not so sure about what I wanted for myself 8/10 times, and I have my ups and downs with being confident in my choices. I am certainly getting better at being confident in my career and personal choices so far, but that lingering low self confidence is still there deep down. Overprotective parenting really affected me deeply. Forcing your child to complete school and get a good stable career is one thing for their own benefit, but not allowing them to explore other options safely and openly with you as a parent? That’s a warning sign if you don’t know why your child isn’t talking with you about their thoughts and feelings for their future. Remember. It is their future, not yours. They’re also a person, and a projection of your own desires should be managed in accordance with your ego.
Ohh 😭 it reminded me of myself. I was so afraid not to get in the university I was crying all summer waiting for the results. And my mom not just her but everyone was saying “you will not any future if you don’t take a degree”. I was so depressed at that time waiting for the results 😭 thank god with I did university and masters aswell. 😊
this hurts to watch comparing to my own life, i grew up in that environment… my 20s were very difficult and painful. im growing now, my birthday is this week. i just applied to college to try and finish my degree and im really scared but I know this time will be different because its something i really want to learn more about and apply toward a career of my own choosing that fits what i want to do. I hope I succeed
(mind, absolved, flip, checklist, happy, homework,grade, love, prays, coach them. right college, grade is bad and breathless,burnt out, what we done is not enough, anxiety, depression. not future- fail to go that college. courage- developing mind, parent think- can’t do anything, tenet,. happiness in life comes from the love of our parents, unconditional love tyrannical-nourishing environment)– thing i noted My job is not to make them what they want but to support the process in what they want to be… speechless
absolutely. so so true. working in silicon valley – one of the most competitive marketson the planet, i can honestly give anecdotal evidence over my life there since april 2001. time and again i saw successful, happy, individuals with full lives, who had gone to Chico State and local colleges. In fact eh ivy grads were more on the imbalanced side of things as far as a full like is concerned.
Aka children are people, too… funny how we forget that. They have beautiful brains and dreams and opinions, even future vision. Even the 2 year olds… someone had said “listen to the little things when your kids are little if you want them to tell you the big stuff when they are big. Because to them, it’s always been the big stuff”. They ARE the future 💪🏼❤️
When i got out of high school and went to college when i lived at home an i had to help with extra bills an i still had chores an its like this time an day has changed an everyone is grown af an sometimes everyone has to grow an be an adult an u cant baby kids now an i have a young child that i will push an she will be responsible an be raised how i was raise and at the end of the year if things dont change and im taking action and im gone💯💯
This article is propaganda because it’s simply impractical and this definition of success is warped . The divorce rate is devastating because of lack of commitment Statistically 1 in 2 children will be raised in a broken home. The majority of kids have psychological effects as we can see with society. A successful child is happy in life not anxious from ridiculous expectations out of selfish interests of the parent.
I would say that raising a child is like running your own company! 😂😂😂 If you are not financially stable then how can you afford to run the child business? Sometimes if you accidentally have a child without marriage it’s like having a company without business permit! 😂😂😂 To have a child it means you are financially stable it’s like running a business means you are financially secure! There are parents that have so many children like a company with so many branches right? If you don’t know how to take care of your child it’s like you’re not taking care of your company it will not bear a fruit 😂😂😂
im fortunate that my (Filipino) parents never bother about our grades and no pressure at all. I’m fortunate to raise my child in Finland where there is no competition culture or grading culture in schools. As a former primary school teacher in my country, I’m disgusted with the comparison and categorization according to children’s grades. I never want my child to be raised in ever competing and labelling of intelligence based on scores and not their effort and interest to learn.
This idea only represents her own as I don’t fully agree. I wish my parents pushed me more on certain areas during my teens to guide me what success could look like. I would be more appreciated. I definitely wanted to go to prestigious colleges but I didn’t know better. If my parents could coached me and pushed me I would know what that could make me feel. Go to the best schools if you can as you build the network with smart people. Push yourself further if possible as you know you would not regret it later.
Successful kids are those who knows they cannot be or need not be successful all the time. It’s a wrong thing to attribute success with just winning. The feeling of successfulness is the mind’s response to win or lose. If the failure brings a lot of clarity to the mind and you feel elevated that this experience enriched your mind, then that’s the success speaking to you right there.
I don’t think the children become breathless by doing the right things, like studying, getting good grades, doing community service, etc, if they enjoy what they are doing. If they don’t enjoy what they are doing, then yes, they become breathless at anything they do. We cannot generalize all the children
I now feel like telling this personal story. I remember that – long ago – my brother and I planned how we would handle it when his wife had to go pop out her 4th baby. He gave me his spare key to their apartment and I gave him my spare key to my car. A couple days later – at around 03 AM – he called. I jumped in my cloths and ran over to his place. He used my car (Citroën 2CV) to drive his wife to the hospital while I kept their 3 children asleep. Sort of. Changing the diaper of the youngest one would never have happened without the help of big sister. 🚼 She knew exactly what her mother used to do and told me step by step. A few hours later – while I was telling them once again that everything was ok and we could all laugh and smile (I hoped) – in the middle of breakfast – my sister in law and my brother came home with big smiles on their faces and a new baby, called Levi (though we’re not Jews as their Jewish doctor pointed out. 🙂). I never really enjoyed baby-sitting (kids have too much energy). Having three nephews and a niece (three boys and a big sister) was very much ok though, if that makes sense. I had to read a bed-time book exactly as their father did (if I didn’t do it right I was immediately corrected; believe me!), “Lord of the Rings”. The boys fought over what to wear the next day. I didn’t care. They weren’t violent and they were boys, so I thought they were normal. But then their sister stepped in and said “STOP IT!” The boys hang their heads and crawled into their beds.
True…but also another opinion of how to parent. I think the better message is, “Parent children according to their unique nature and attitudes.” Some children thrive under pressure where the stakes are high and they are always competing for grades, scores and awards. Other children want to focus their time and energy into the social aspects of life, while still doing good in school, but they’re okay not competing in high-paying careers. Etc. So if your child is thriving under very competitive competitions, then continue. If not, then adjust. The fear of every parent for their child is, “Have I done enough for you to help you have a good future?” That’s not easy to know and thus we rather error on the side of caring too much. But please pay attention to the child’s needs. They may need tutoring, they may need less stress, they may need more challenges, whatever. However, be careful, if the child is not happy, then whatever good you think you are doing will not be felt by them. An unhappy and uninspired human being is dead.
My wife just passed away and as 41 yr old step father to my 3 step daughters considering I’m long distant away from them due to financial reasons. Parenting is a challenge but you can still do something about it. Social media is something not mentioned here at all. I feel all she said is 95% accurately correct however, when she mentioned unconditional love is like not setting a standard when it comes to dos and donts. My eldest daughter is getting addicted to violent article games boys love to play, chatting with boys on messenger social media platform as a 13 yr old and leading to inappropriate behaviors that a parent can only imagine. To sum it up, it really starts with love and chores to measure your kids obedience and rebellious attitude when it comes to to their training becoming a well rounded responsible happy adults.
If you’re ever going to become a parent never have the mindset “I’m going to raise them my own way I don’t care if they hate me it’s for their own good” don’t think like that you’re not going to get love and affection from your children instead what you’ll get is spite and hatred and you’re going to regret it
I’m a Chinese young adult. SinceI was children, I was sent to “best” school, class always.. In such school, I lost freedom, we got up 5:30 am and finished compulsary “study” 10 pm everyday, even dining and go to toilet was restricted, I felt like a prisoner in such “best” school, lost all my interests about study, we were held exam and test several times every month, and we were ranked by scores, teachers will praise or criticize students based on that, there were toxic competition between students. So long years I felt very depressed. I may become a parent in the future, so I want to be prepared, avoid same things happen again…
Many years before, a survey conducted among adults. The survey asked the grown-ups, what were their best childhood happy memories. The people who surveyed actually EXPECTED the adults would say that the happiest moment was when they got expensive gifts, first bike, first expensive toy, first car, expensive cloths and other expensive things. They were REALLY shocked to get answers from adults that their MOST-CHERISHED and MOST-MEMORABLE memories were the INEXPENSIVE picnics with all the family members, fishing trips, tour/ pleasure trips, games they played during trips, food they took together, jokes exchanged, songs they sang together, and dialogues they had with family/ relatives in childhood. The children enjoy a lovable family where the parents love each other and care for each other. A child feels SAFEST in a PEACEFUL family. NOT in a family where father and mother are in a bitter quarrel/ battle (in court or at home). A child WANTS love from BOTH parents TOGETHER, and not love coming individually. Plus the children want to hold the hands of BOTH parents from both sides and walk (in a park and in life). A effects of a loveless or disappointed or troubled early life nomally continues for future generations. Children don’t like at-all the SEPARATION of their parents. One thing that parents can do, if they want to gift a SUPER-LIFE to children is NOT to live separately and to have any extra-marital affairs or divorce. Parents not to dislike each other, if they REALLY care for their children.
My parents almost managed my entire childhood and junior high. I told them that from now on I will take my decisions. I wanted to be genetic engineer, but they didn’t. Still I managed to get admission… and here after 8 semesters of failing every year, completing backlogs.. I understood, that I am not made for GE. I had to take break for 6 months, saved money, took admission in another sub-standard college, completed my degree. And here I am, now sitting home without a proper college degree,..,I wasted 4 years of precious life and money on something that I loved. Was I happy? Initially, yes, but later NO. Your parents know you much better, they might be wrong in communication but their intentions are always right. Yes and proper college degree and money is important. First be rich, then talk about being humble.