Preschoolers often ignore their parents due to a lack of understanding or respect for their authority. This behavior is normal as children develop a stronger sense of identity and may rebel against authority rather than make a scene. Parents are generally vigilant about how their children treat others, expecting kind and respectful behavior. However, some children may intentionally ignore their parents, pretend not to hear their requests, and refuse to greet them or others.
Ignoring is usually a normal part of a child’s development, but in rare cases, it could be a sign of a learning or hearing problem. If your preschooler is more likely to ignore you than she listens to you, it could be due to a lack of understanding or resistance to your rules. At this age, kids respond best to instructions with no more resistance or concede.
Ignoring parents also gives children a feeling of power and dominance, which can be overwhelming. Parents may not teach their kids manners enough at a young age, and even toddlers can learn this skill. It is natural for parents to be frustrated when their child refuses to greet them or other people, as they need to assert themselves as more independent individuals than they felt when they were infants.
Over time, parents’ feelings can change, and they may not have the patience they once did. It is important to address these issues and work together to ensure that your child’s development and emotional well-being are met.
📹 This Mistake Teaches Your Toddler To Ignore You…
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What happens when a child is ignored by parents?
Neglect can significantly impact a child’s childhood, leading to both short-term and long-term effects such as brain development issues, risk-taking behaviors, dangerous relationships, and increased likelihood of mental health issues like depression. Not all children are at risk, but those born prematurely, have disabilities, have complex health needs, are in care, or seek asylum are at higher risk.
Why does my 8 year old ignore me?
When a grade-schooler ignores you, it’s crucial to be clear and realistic about your rules. Make sure your requests are specific and doable, and make sure they are achievable. For example, instead of asking for “clean the garage”, say “please sweep the floor and stack the newspapers in a neat pile for recycling”. Be specific about the time frame, as your child may have different definitions of “too late”.
It’s also important to be aware that some tasks may seem daunting to them, and it’s better to lead them through a big job for the first time. By doing so, you can help your child develop their own opinions and develop independence.
Is it normal for an 8 year old to be disrespectful?
Children aged 5-10 are developing independence and are naturally testing limits and breaking rules. When they feel powerless and angry, they may lash out in ways that show disrespect for others. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. However, it can anger or worry a caring parent. To transform these moments into opportunities to teach healthy and respectful alternatives, parents should be purposeful and deliberate in their responses to disrespect.
Commonly, disrespect occurs during power struggles, and it is crucial to offer ways for children to gain power while channeling hurt or angry feelings in ways that do no harm and demonstrate respect. Learning how to respond to anger in constructive ways requires all five social and emotional skills: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making.
Your reaction to your child can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to seek and gain power and respond respectfully when they are feeling angry or upset. Parents should also deal with their own upset feelings and calm down before responding, so they can take advantage of the teachable opportunity.
Is it normal for 5 year old to ignore you?
As your 5-year-old develops a stronger sense of identity, they may rebel against your authority. This is normal and part of a kindergartner’s job. Your job is to get your child to cooperate while allowing them to practice independence. When your child ignores you, be clear and realistic, making your requests specific and doable. For example, instead of saying “clean your room”, ask “please put your shoes in the closet and your toys in the toy box”. This will help your child understand what to do and help them develop a better understanding of your expectations.
What causes a child to reject a parent?
A child may reject a parent for various reasons, including parental conflict, family violence, personality factors, or poor parenting. However, when the rejection seems without justification and the other parent encourages the child to turn against the rejected parent, the child may be referred to as “alienated”. The concept of parental alienation syndrome has evolved significantly since the mid-1980s, but today, cases of a child resisting contact with a parent are generally recognized as not reflecting a syndrome.
The American Psychiatric Association rejected the concept of parental alienation syndrome in their update of the DSM-5, which is recognized across North America as the basis for diagnosing a mental disorder. However, it is generally recognized that alienating behavior can occur in families and family law proceedings, and can harm a child by undermining a parent-child relationship. Most experts agree that a child can resist contact with one parent for various reasons, and in cases where a child is resisting contact, it is necessary to assess the conduct and attitudes of both parents and understand the child’s views and experiences.
Why does my 3 year old blatantly ignore me?
Ignoring a preschooler is generally normal and not a sign of a problem. However, in rare cases, it could indicate a learning or hearing issue. If your preschooler consistently ignores you, responds only to loud noises, doesn’t hear sounds around them, makes unusual sounds without realizing, or regularly ignores other children, consult your GP or health visitor for advice. It’s likely that your child will grow out of ignoring you as her empathy skills and cooperation develop.
Why does my 4 year old ignore people?
As children mature, their capacity for self-determination becomes a crucial aspect of their development. During this period, they may exhibit a tendency to disregard parental authority as they embark on the journey of discovering their unique identity and autonomy.
Why do little kids ignore you?
The behavior of a 2-year-old child is often due to their development of autonomy, which often involves ignoring their parents. This is part of their process of practicing assertive skills with their trusted adult, such as the parent. However, their impulse control is not yet fully developed, so ignoring the child’s behavior may be the only solution. It is crucial to encourage cooperation and allow the child to practice their newfound autonomy while allowing them to explore the puppy’s tail. This approach helps the child develop their independence and trust in their parent.
How to handle a child that ignores you?
When your child ignores you, it’s important to be clear and realistic, make requests specific and achievable, simplify them, follow through, motivate your child, and use alternatives to “no”. This behavior may be due to a child’s main purpose in life, which is to discover and develop their autonomy. It’s also part of practicing assertive skills with the person they trust most, namely you. It’s also important to be understanding and try to be patient with your child’s behavior.
It’s also crucial to be aware of their impulse control, as it may not be well developed yet. In summary, it’s essential to be understanding and patient with your child’s behavior to ensure they are not ignoring you.
Why do some children ignore their parents?
Research suggests that cultural changes may be contributing to the issue of aging parents’ relationships, as adult children may be putting boundaries due to family dysfunction or busy with their own lives, viewing attention on aging parents as a chore. Adult children often ask their parents to respect their boundaries, even with cellphones, as the line between them has blurred. This can create tension and conflict, as the adult child feels they have their own life and demands, and may not be available to their parents when they want.
Additionally, older adults may not acknowledge relationship realities, as things have changed since their previous relationship, leading to less involvement from their parents. This can result in a more conflicted relationship between the two parents.
Why does a child reject a parent?
A child may reject a parent for various reasons, including parental conflict, family violence, personality factors, or poor parenting. However, when the rejection seems without justification and the other parent encourages the child to turn against the rejected parent, the child may be referred to as “alienated”. The concept of parental alienation syndrome has evolved significantly since the mid-1980s, but today, cases of a child resisting contact with a parent are generally recognized as not reflecting a syndrome.
The American Psychiatric Association rejected the concept of parental alienation syndrome in their update of the DSM-5, which is recognized across North America as the basis for diagnosing a mental disorder. However, it is generally recognized that alienating behavior can occur in families and family law proceedings, and can harm a child by undermining a parent-child relationship. Most experts agree that a child can resist contact with one parent for various reasons, and in cases where a child is resisting contact, it is necessary to assess the conduct and attitudes of both parents and understand the child’s views and experiences.
📹 6 Little Behavior Problems You Shouldn’t Ignore | Parents
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As this article began, I was thinking: “it’s bedtime!” isn’t an instruction… So, yes, to agree with you, telling them something like “please go and choose the PJs you want” (for example) does tend to get a better response. I’m constantly surprised by how specific I need to be! (“Wash your hands with soap! Sit on your bottom!”etc.) Just getting used to it and my youngest is 4 😆 (my oldest is autistic with language challenges so we continue to use short, clear instructions for him.)
I was discussing with my nephew about whether or whether not we are putting on shoes. He wanted to go outside. Turns out he didn’t understand the connection between going outside and putting on shoes (it was cold and wet outside, in summer I don’t mind barefoot). For him it was like „I wanna go outside” „okay. We‘re going to do this completely unrelated thing now though” and he got frustrated, so after saying let’s put on our shoes twice I explained it and said „you said you want to go outside right? We cannot go barefoot because it’s cold. We have to put our shoes on in order to go outside”. He sat down happily and was very glad we were finally putting on shoes and going outside. It didn’t even occur to me that he might not understand the connection at the time. Tbf I was 18ish back then and have learned a lot over the years 😁 but yeah, sometimes we just have to keep in mind their brains just work differently and see why they don’t do what we would like them to do
Toddler parenting is the most difficult thing in the world because no matter what IT”S NEVER THEM.. it’s always you. What YOU can do better, what YOU can train yourself to do more of, less of, none of. It’s the most exhausting journey I’ve ever encountered. The amount of emotional regulation we have to pull out of our asses, because many of us were never taught that skill, it’s astonishing. We have to constantly be better so that they may or may not pick up some of those traits. Can you tell we are in the thick of it? Can you tell that I’m over trying so hard? There’s no solution other than do better parents. UGH.
“It’s bedtime!” That’s a declaration. And if you as the parent keep doing whatever it is you’re doing, you’re modeling a declaration that means nothing. If your declaration is followed by ritual habits, then the declaration means *something*. It means preparing to go to sleep, such as brushing teeth, possibly a bath, putting on pajamas, etc. I rarely have to even consider discipline, because I’m doing everything with the child/children and we are enjoying the process together.
Emma, you are a true gem! This is the perfect level of parental education we are missing out there. No exaggerated emotions, just simple instructions without losing our minds. Sometimes I do wonder: since when we pay more attention to really investing ourselves in, say dog training, rather than developing a effective communication with our kids? Not comparing dogs to kids, but sort of I am… Because if you think about it, both require our clear leadership and as less negative emotions as possible with support! Thank you for your content!
I like to give my 3yo a choice related to what needs to be done. Something like “Time to get in the car! Would you like to take your airplane or your helicopter in the car with you?” I don’t always remember this but it really helps to get the focus off of stopping what we’re doing and more on what fun thing we’re doing next.
My wife has consistently had this problem with the kids, even up until today, when they are 10 & 12. It has caused her much heartache and drove a wedge in our relationship. Lots of fights and I can’t stand her yelling at the kids all the time. I keep telling her she needs to be more assertive, because I don’t have these problems. I am glad you have outlined it into specific steps because i was unable to, but this is what i was doing that worked for me. The kids listen to me, because if I say they have to do something, they have to do it. There is no option. And I give it my full attention, make sure to have their attention, and make it clear it is not a suggestion. And if I have to, there will be consequences. But at this point they just do it for me.
“… you need to be fully present with your toddler ….” — in my personal experience (which includes the role of a parent), raising the moment by moment level of “presence” is all that is ever needed to face any challenge — not just dealing with toddlers. By simply being more present you need not clutter your mind with endless lists of (well meaning) rules and guidelines. Through personal experimentation it has become clear that right/appropriate action always flows forth in presense.
Needed this! I’ve started falling into the pattern of repeating myself a lot and using negatives frequently. But we’ve done well so far with modeling behaviors and giving heads-up before a transition. So I need to create that pattern of full attention and request with a planned consequence. The consequence will be the hard part. Situations and requests can vary so much.
Makes a lot of sense. My daughter is now 14. I currently work as a primary teaching assistant, so I work with children mostly aged 7-10. For things like bed-time or something like saying good-bye/leaving (and therefore packing up or getting ready etc), I would always say, “another 5 minutes, then we will need to pack up/stop what we’re doing or whatever”. Children like a warning so they can adjust to stopping or switching, and most people I know tend to do that. For “easier” things, no warning necessary.
This really helped me because I was feeling very worried since I never knew how to handle my own emotions, it’s even harder to do that with your own child. It made me realize a lot of the things I was doing was wrong and makes me want to correct the behavior. Even though my child is only 11 months, this resonates a lot. Thank you so much for sharing. Would love to see more articles like this.
While I’m not sure I’m completely comfortable with the underlying behaviorist paradigm that seems to be peeking through, I think there were good advice here. I would add that sometimes it can be a good idea to tell your small child ahead of time that they will have to pack up their things and do something else. If a child is engrossed in play, it can be jarring to be pulled from that right away. The child might need time to mentally get ready.
You can give the child a heads up that things are changing from playtime to bedtime, etc., too. That way your telling them it’s bedtime actually means it’s bedtime, rather than that becoming an ineffectual first or second comment from you. It also gives the child some autonomy and an opportunity for learning to plan the end of things, since it’s not just sprung on them when they’re in the middle of something.
Most key important here is to be honest and caring while doing these. Kids are very perceptive. Talk to them like a normal person that is age appropriate. Nobody likes being looked down on. When your kid realizes they are being understood, they will follow. Things are also easier for kids to do things when they do it together with their parents or guardians. Patience is important. Kids rely on you to learn, since they are on their learning stage and vulnerable to emotions. Please be nice to them.
Thank you for this article. As a kindergarten teacher and father of two, I see the behavior mentioned so often. Especially when sentences are asked as questions instead of statements, or when parents are not consistent. If you tailor your communication to the needs of the children, you have already saved yourself a lot of work and the child a lot of stress. As someone who works with children every day, I can only agree with this article. Greetings from Germany.
I admit there is one part I worry about how this could be interpreted from my own psyche. The consequence part actually can enforce the not listening part cause of a fear response. I know this because of issues with how I myself reacted naturally to my father from the way he had raised me versus how I reacted to my mom. She was the one who did actually make sure to pay attention to the context while my father was the one who quickly raised his voice and attempt to also set in consequence. The two together dont necessarily help it either and I think that is something I see many people even in the comment section confuse. Much more emphasis should be put on the second part where in you focus on how you are communicating to the child themselves though consequence are still part of that. From research I myself have explored in relation to social and behavioral studies, this can become even more problematic when it is mxied with more authoritarian behaviors but when we understand more about what a “consequence” is and think about the rest of the article it can exemplify a lot of the often suggested to be beneficial “authoritative” response style that ensures truer understanding rather than focus on the consequence alone
In retrospect(my kids are almost 40+/-) I didn’t have these problems with my children. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have them, it just means that behavioral issues weren’t so much of an issue that they take up memory space in my brain, so I must have done ok. My daughter had her first child about 9 mos ago. She told me that she had a great childhood and that I was a wonderful mother. It was the single most wonderful thing anyone ever said to me. Anyway, my point is, when you’re dealing with your kids, always treat them with respect, love and common sense. It’ll all work out (Unless they’re psychopaths, in which case, I don’t know what I’m talking about).
This is brilliant advice. I just recently started a job as an ESL teacher for 3-4 year-olds, they’re a little older than toddler age but its still useful to know this stuff to manage their behaviour and get them to listen and follow instructions in effective, gentle ways. For example, the tip about telling them what to do as opposed to saying “don’t do that” is surprisingly effective when I use it!
As I listen to this, I can’t help but think of this new age thing that I see a lot of parents do where they start the whole counting thing … they’ll often give the warning, “I’m going to give you to the count of three!” I actually encountered this sort of thing when we were reluctantly forced into the position of having to Foster our grandchildren. I was renowned for interrupting such episodes saying, “I’m going to count to one!” They very quickly learned to listen to me the first time I said anything. Children don’t come out of the womb particularly well educated, but that does not mean in any way that they are not smart. Kids, like most living creatures, are capable of observing and learning from patterns. Ultimately, they are a product of what you teach them.
Those are really good instructions. They build on the relationship with the child. It also helps prepare children in good time for what is to come. When a child is painting, like in the movie, they can finish what they are doing. You can say: It won’t be long before it’s time for you to go to bed. You can paint for a moment and then clean up. It helps if the child can complete what they are doing in peace. This makes the next step easier.
I really appreciate that you not only offer such great advice, but you always follow it up with “For example,” and share what can be said. By the way, re: “Avoid phrasing your instructions or requests as questions,” I don’t know if this would qualify as a version of that, but I often hear parents tack onto the end of their instruction, “okay?” I imagine there must be exceptions, but usually (to my ears), that makes them sound unsure of themselves or like they’re asking their child if it’s alright to request/instruct something. (And, of course, the “okay?” leaves things wide open for some version of ‘no!”) I’d be curious as to your take on this. Again, thanks for your wonderful article!
Thank you for this article. Like in your article, I softly tell my 20- month old daughter to do something & when she doesn’t, I resort to yelling, which terrifies her & make her listen. I will take your advice. Thank you so much! Would you mind making a article on examples of the kind of instruction we should give our toddlers? I feel some of my instructions are too complicated. Thanks!
What should I do when my baby wants to touch something that he shouldn’t (my plants, electricity etc)? Giving him a toy doesn’t work, also it teaches him that this way he can get my attention to play. Telling him to stop or else… What? What should be the consequences?… Thanks for the great content always!
Needed that explanation, although a good decade to late maybe. 😉 Will def try that anyways. Btw a pro tip for teens (prolly also for younger kids, though mysteriously it wasn’t an issue back then): when they don’t get ready for school in the morning without you raising your voice, tell them a simple consequence: “When you’re not getting ready without me reminding and you’re not at the breakfast table fully washed and dressed (!!! be specific) at x:yz then you seem to be tired, so you’ll be going to sleep an hour earlier.” And do it. In the beginning and the times they will forget that you mean it, there will be yelling, slammed doors and maybe tears, but it’ll go much smoother all the other days. PS: love it when sometimes I have to remind: knock knock – “WHAT?!?” – (sweetest voice) “Fine minutes leheft …” – and then you hear them hurry in a panic. PPS: don’t feel angry with them, though. A saying goes like “Puberty is a time limited mental illness”. Guess that’s also why I’m sure this here will work out.
I was always told I was too strict. However, when I gave my children a command, they listened the first time. If they didn’t, they would be timed out immediately. On the few occasions that I was distracted (as happens in real life) or they were slow to listen, all I had to calmly say was, “that was once” and they new that they had pushed the boundaries the punishment was coming if they did not act immediately. I find disrespectful children annoying and did not spend much time with my relatives because their children were so poorly behaved. In retrospect, all the nieces (all girls) all have some sort of mental health issue and don’t function fully in society. While my children are independent thinkers with a good sense of self.
Don’t yell at the children. Make sure they’ve your full attention like if they are playing with toys, just take it from they hold their hands, look into their eyes and say in a calm but firm voice. Give them clear instructions and wait for them to process it and respond. If they don’t listen, they should face consequences the first time not second. They don’t like to pack their toys, so tell them what they’ll like to do. Like first pack your toys, then park.! If your child is not playing safely with the toys(throwing of damaging intentionally) then tell them first cars are for driving on the roads not for throwing. And if you’re not playing safely then I’ll put it away and you’ll not get to play with them, and DO IT.! If you’re yelling at them then it’s going to be difficult first time. But the key is CONSISTENCY and following through. It’s important for them to know when you say something, YOU’LL FOLLOW THROUGH.
Agreed, except that “Please” is dishonest if you’re not giving them a choice. Just tell them calmly and if they continue the behavior after one instruction to do something better, calmly apply the consequences. Shouting and repetition are not good for either of you. I’ve heard some parents say, “I love you too much to let you be a (bad behavior) person,” which seems like a positive approach
As parents, we found a very effective technique that works pretty well. Kids need TIME to integrate information. They need a clear BREFFING. So, whatever they’re doing, tell them something like .: in 15 min (even though they don’t understand time… you can show them the “big needle” of the clock. Then: in 10 min, then 5, then: It’s time! Warning: YOU are the one in charge and toddlers are not very sensitive to words. They react to acts! So, bed time? You go with them; shower time? You go with them etc… it takes energy and patience.
I’m sorry, English is not my first language. Great article as always! I would add giving some decision-making power to your child. Instead of giving instructions, you can give two GOOD options to choose from: eg “Time to go home! Should we go back by the fire station road or by the fountain road?” I feel it resets their brain 😉 instead of focusing on leaving the playground, they have a huge decision to make.
Without thinking of it in the way described in this article but at my house I taught my 13 month old granddaughter to place unwanted food on my used plate rather than dropping it on the floor. I also moved the garbage can closer to her and showed her how to drop her food in that instead of again, on the floor … it took several attempts, but after a few times showing her, she got the hang of it. I took her to a restaurant for our weekly lunch date, and for the first time outside my house and without my prodding her, she picked up the remaining food I placed in front of her that she did not want to eat and first she looked down on her right side (which is where I place the garbage can at home) and obviously recognized there was no can there and so she dropped it all on my used plate. Suffice to say, this article offers up some damn good advice pertaining to toddlers.
The more articles I watch about toddlers (were TTC) the more it reminds me of when I was training my pups. Obviously dogs are not kids but some of the behaviors on my part are very similar. For example my one dog plays with his toys then let’s then alone while my other will play then proceed to act like a surgeon breaking every thread destroying the toy. We used a lot of these techniques to teach him “bone” if he starts doing this after playing and he’ll happily go get his bone instead. I hope that experience will help some when we have our little one.
I would like to point out that this for toddlers and not for autistic children. As an autistic child myself, a lot of this type of thing was used on me. And it frustrated the living hell out of me. A lot of this is good advice even for autistic children. Especially that part about modeling the desired behavior. As a kid i often didn’t understand my parents’ requests. They expected me to know exactly what they wanted. A lot of very reasonable requests are actually much more often phrased figuratively than literally. “Hurry up” is a verb and a preposition. “Go faster” is a verb and an adjective. “go faster” is so much easier to understand. “Hurry up” is a fairly complex sentence structure, as it relies on a lot of existing English language comprehension. Hurry *what*, and what does “up” mean in this context? These are questions I would have asked if I knew precisely those words to ask. Since I didn’t know those words, the best I could say was, “what does that mean?” And as an adult, “hurry up” is a very basic request, so it might seem as though your child is being “deliberately obtuse.” But you will find that unless you have an English degree, explaining what “up” means in the context of “hurry up” is very difficult. This is just one example. It may sound rude, but asking “what part of the sentence (repeat what you said) do you not understand?” can help an autustic child (with speech) articulate what was confusing to them. Doing this can help you and the child communicate better.
Something thats working well here is making a plan. For example, daughter wants a bedtime story but we have no pj on or brushed the teeth. Then we make a plan. “How about this, we brush the teeth, put on pj and then story?” Sometimes I need to repeat it a few times in a happy voice cos kids like then it feels and seems more fun. Switch it up and maybe suggest pj first and then teeth or I come up with something crazy that they know I cant do if it gets to serious and then go back to the original “deal”. It makes it alot easier for us.
Always remember that toddlers understand WAY more language than you think, even if they have very few words to say. The 2yo I babysit speaks Spanish at home, Hebrew in day care, and English with me. She understand my English 98% of the time, and is responding properly in English more and more every day. She constantly surprises me. Her older sister is 6, and is completely trilingual after I’ve been babysitting her for a couple of years.
I find that consequences are a dangerous concept and I disagree in the consistency being a necessity. Both ideas put me as a parent in a corner where I am no longer in touch with my child’s or my own needs. Of course we need to be reliable as parents but I think the most important idea my child should be able to rely on is that I act out of love and trust in its authenticity of expressing its feelings. Throwing a car might actually tell me that puttig the toys away is overwhelming at the moment. I argue for cooperation over obedience and relationship over education.
Very true . If they walk away at meal time then immediately food goes in the bin. If they throw toys around then they get smashed and put in the bin. If they throw a tantrum then they are told that they are disrupting the sanctuary and must go outside until they calm down. I love perusal how their brain works and how smart they are.
One observation with the first example is that the speech bubbles indicated that the mother neither gave a command nor ask the child to do anything. She used to declarative sentences, stating that it was bedtime. There are no requests to oblige or instructions to follow. That is one of the main things that I have seen being issue with communication and wanting a child to listen well and follow instructions.
I’ve found that giving my toddlers expectations of upcoming activities helps them to remain much more calm. Telling them that we are about to start diaper changes or telling them that we are soon going to get ready to go in. The car helps them to get their mental state in the right place so that they don’t freak out and get surprised by it.
Oof, I am doing this but I thought I was giving my 3 y-o time to process my requests but in reality she’s learned she doesn’t need to respond until my fifth, sixth, seventh attempt at getting her to do things. I don’t yell but I may raise my voice and be more firm. I’ve been trying to give her 15 minute, 10 minute, 5 minute transitional warnings (“15 minutes until it’s time to brush your teeth and go to bed”) and we’ve set timers etc, but she still refuses – when our timers run out, she still needs to put this and that away or finish this thing, even though she’s had plenty of time already and we can’t be up half the night finishing everything she would like. Yesterday she screamed for 35 minutes when her dad had the audacity to touch the string on her lounge pants in an effort to help. We have a 9 month old as well so I know it’s difficult for our toddler to share our attention, maybe that’s why I haven’t been consistent with my approach to her doing as I ask, since things are already harder so I let her take her time too much…
Figured this out on my own doing Foster care for high care kids, counting to 3 is the same thing essentially and the kids would wait till you hit that number, than I started implementing time outs instantly for not following instructions, time out is super nanny magic, kids were listening first time nearly every time with in a few days.
It depends on the situation, but you don’t want to be spontaneously asking someone to do something you thought of at the moment. That can be a sign of disorganization and lack of routine. If you have tasks that you want to get done, you need to schedule ahead and ask that person in advance. Then when the time comes the reminder of the task is much stronger and reinforced for the person to know that they are responsible for that work.
What do you think about ‘modeling’? I’ve worked with dogs and I’m in the military but don’t have any kids, but thinking about it in the nearish future. I’ve noticed it’s much easier to communicate a behavior to new subjects if others can see the behavior desired. For instance with dogs if you want a new one to ‘sit’ if you have an older trained dog sit, then you give a treat the new dog follows the command easier. For parents if mommy asks dad to put a toy away and he listens immediately, then daddy asks mom to put a toy away and she does so immediately. Then they take turns asking baby to put it away. The child can see the desired behavior and can see that his leadership demonstrates and holds respect for each other and makes the behavior normalized. This works similar with troops I’ve led and seen led. When a leader who isn’t listened to normally, asks another troop to do something they are easier ignored vs if there is leader who is generally listened to troops tend to follow just because. Obviously this style would require parents that are not always bickering or challenging each other (especially in front of the kid)
We do the “clean up” song when its time to clean up😊 he loves it. Im told hes the best at cleaning up at daycare 😂 😊…. the problem for us is keeping his hands out of places they shouldnt be. Like the base boards (where our heat comes from) and drawers. I just redirect his attention elsewhere. Works about 80% of the time. Dont know if its the right way to go about it. I feel like i dont know what im doing half the time. When he has his melt downs, i try so hard to redirect, but i feel like im winging it half the time. But meal times and diaper changes are really difficult. Sometimes i just let him melt down. Hes fed hes clean and hes safe and if nothing im doing is helping, i just let him. Sometimes i swear im the one making it worse😔 Its like he cant control the tears. It makes me sad.
Well, it depends on the kid’s character, if this works or not. And if you have a special needs kid, then it’s another ballgame. My kid is on the autism spectrum and has a development lag as well, so in his case, I had to rethink my whole “correct parenting” ideas, since he just would not respond to stuff that kids of that age are supposed to respond to. The main thing is to try stuff, but if it does not work, don’t be afraid to do things in a way “proper parenting” frowns at.
I’m a retired high school teacher and learned from my mother, who was a dog trainer, that yelling never works. Better is to lower your voice, and speaking softer. When’s student continues with unwanted behavior, saying in a very soft low voice ” I can get really mad, but that’s something you don’t want to experience that” always did the trick.
0:50 Asian childs don’t hit by puberty, but by their parent. If the childs don’t do what their parents asked for the first time then they will hit their child instead of the second. This is the reason why most Asian child abandon their parent in oldfolk home and won’t take care of their parents. Its called, “That’s a Karma, *itch!”
another way to give the child more independence is to pick out two of what ever they need to put on, shirt or shoes etc. and let them pick. the red shoes or the white? the truck shirt or the soccer? they feel good about what they’re doing because thy get to pick. you can do this with food, toys, even afternoon outings.
This is a great article everything on it will help ensure success with your toddlers I have had eight toddlers now and I’ve used these techniques and have remarkably well behaved toddlers. All eight children are extremely different and personally yet each one responded well to these tips these are great tips.
This is a very aba method, that I use with my autistic son, it ABSOLUTELY should be universally used by any parent having these patterns without realizing it. Our cell phones, oh my lord. They are such a distraction from following through or from giving full attention. It may feel hard, because almost all of us use our phones to communicate and almost as an escape, but, it does our kids no favors. I’m totally guilty, even woth all I my aba knowledge, in the field in early education as well as with my son, so I judge no one, but simply putting our phones down when we need them to have our full attention, or when they need ours, males a huge difference. Good luck parents! I’m a solo mom, and i have zero support, help, nothing. Never had a break in 4 years. Not once, until he started prek special Ed. So I know how hard it is.
This has definitely happened with my daughter, although I rebuke the idea that it was my fault. She has ADHD and SPD and she never did listen. I was used to being very patient and explaining things to my other kids who are all very sensitive and responsive. It did not work with her. If she’s within arm’s reach, I’ll touch her to get her attention, but that lasts a millisecond. I have to hold onto her and fight her to look at me if there are any distractions around. And in the middle of telling her what not to do, she’ll do exactly what I just said not to. Again and again and again. It just falls on deaf ears. It’s like all frontal lobe activity has ceased. So if she’s out of my reach, I have to raise my voice, and sometimes it becomes yelling because she very often does dangerous things like run across the street without looking. I already feel like I have PTSD from her childhood and I already had PTSD so I don’t say that lightly. I do try very hard to bring my voice down as soon as it’s not necessary to yell. I know some other people with two kids with autism and ADHD that are constantly screaming at their kids and in a very shaming way. Their kids ignore them, of course. But maybe they would have anyway. I think they yell when it’s not at all necessary, though, which makes it seem to them even more like their kids are ignoring them, which keeps them in a constant state of frustration.
Hey! Thank you so much for the article! I was just curious – in the example where you put the toy cars away as a consequence, when can you give them back to your toddler? Is it when you want to reward your toddler for playing calmly and safely, when your toddler can tell you what they’ve done wrong when playing with toy cars last time, or do you simply give them back the next day?
Could you make a article of consequences for toddlers? The example in this article was the toddler not playing well with the car, and the car was put away. What if toddler is doing something dangerous like climbing on a window or table, and you can’t remove the item? My toddler is almost 18 months old. Thanks!
Got the opposite problem here, my niece is staying with me and she ignores her kid while her heads down looking at the phone with the kid constantly “mum mum…mummy, mum…mum”. Then i get angry and have to go tell her to answer the kid…she’s developed a self perpetuating problem where she ignores the kid because the child’s doing something annoying but will eventually get annoyed too much and finally yell at the child to get them to stop. That then reinforces the child’s idea that constantly calling for mum will eventually meet with success/acknowledgement. Try to tell her if she answers the kid asap and if she does have to make the child wait then make sure she does get back to the child it will probably stop but she doesn’t listen….so any tips with training adults?
Good article. Very helpful (except my toddler is 30 years old.) However, I disagree with some of this. First step is when you ask your toddler to do something you deem important that give them your full attention. That’s solid, and should be #1 not #2. Doesn’t have to be for everything. Choose your requests so you can frame them, giving the task weight. (All this is based on training my dog about 20 years ago. I noticed that as I got louder and louder she just moved farther and farther away. So instead I started whispering commands and only once. “Heel” and when she walked off, I hid. Peeking, I’d see her occasionally turning around to check on me – I was no longer making a lot of helpful noise so she could keep track of me. Where’d he go?? she got nervous. Uh oh, where is he? Soon she learned to pay attention; the result of which we went for longer walks, to more interesting places, there was less conflict – our dog pack worked better. She was the best behaved and friendliest dog in the community. She also got a lot of freedom because she’d learned never to go near the street. I’d take her to art openings where she’d wander around 200 people in 4-5 storefronts – never a worry.) Consequences. This is negative reinforcement. So not generally a good thing – because it’s reinforcing. What I learned to do with my son, but when he was in middle school, is I’d ask him to do something – and he’d ignore me. He’s a middle schooler, no surprise. Later, he’d ask for something and I’d say, I asked you to do something.
When my toddler throws something and I take it away and up high where she cant reach it she begins to cry I then ignore the crying. Shortly after she stops and goes to get a chair to push it to the area where the toys are to get them down. I then walk over take her off the chair and remind her why she can’t play with the toys then the meltdown gets worse. What do you do in this case?
Hi Emma : I need help where I am not able to help my son with language development and time is just passing by ..he is now over 3.5 years and on speech therapy for 1 hr per day, he has speech but mostly what he says is not clear, not correct language .. and need some tips how to add language and do language correction… Please give me some guidance here . Thanks!
Sounds like basic leadership principles. But often our own way of managing our time isn’t any better. I noticed I have trouble doing things as well when I just dilly-dally around them instead of consciously committing myself. These are just incredibly insidious patterns of behaviors, and the sad thing is we only notice it when we have to deal with others doing it 🙂
I say, ” When you have done that we will —” . Also help them to obey by physically removing them from the plug, hot stove etc at the same time as saying, ” It’s hot” etc. It saves a lot of repeat telling from a distance which invariably they ignore. Then replace with a more suitable occupation. For a wilful toddler who immediately returns to defy you, then consequences kick in.
I’m single and have no kids but a trend in parenting 10-15 years ago I started observing was the “1, 2, 3” thing which I never saw a parent do when I was young. The kid knows he can keep doing whatever until after “2” and he also learns the parent will never say “3”. I’ve never seen a parent get to “3”. It’s “1”, then “2”, then the parent ends up intervening in some other way before “3”. The kids learn this.
I’m liking the idea of creative phrasing to get their cooperation instead. Yes, this is the traditional way parents interact with their kids. But saying “once you put on your shoes we can go outside” feels better to me than saying “put on your shoes.” Feeling like we can order our kids around all day isn’t sitting well with me any longer.
my sons mom is completely uninvolved with our three year old(doesnt bathe him,brush teeth,take him playing,one on one time at all) the absolute ONLY way she will take him and i go away is when i go to work which isnt nearly enough right now(joining new field) .i came into this family and took on the role of dad to four kids, we had another and she has never seemed to attached to our son so naturally, he is my best friend and we’re inseparable and i spend everyday playing with him and doing my best as a fist time dad where as she only speaks to him to tell him what not to do.the difference in his listening with me vs her is insane. he is whinier for me but he also knows if he needs anything there is no point even asking mom shell just pawn it off of dad. he used to ask when she was coming home but he doesnt even care anymore. i got off on a blog when this was supposed to point out the behavioral difference
Just a little warning to add. I see many parents give consequences but not making the contract upfront. Never forget to tell kids what will come and just punish out of the blue. That is called aggression. And better keep the consequences in control. They must not increase with your tiredness. Then it is again aggression.
My wife and I try sometimes to make a game out of things. For example, getting dressed for bed can be a race as I go get their toothbrush ready my wife can help get them changed and he races to get it done first. Or closing my eyes and counting down or to a specific number (as he knows his numbers to 20.) so I count slower and faster but he still wins. I don’t know if this is a good way of doing things but he enjoys it and it works well without a confrontation.
I literally only raise my voice when I have to and it’s power is perfect. if you always scream your gonna get the same result as a person tuning out dogs barking. Same thing with physical discipline. If you spank your kid all the time they become knumb to it. However if you do it right the thought of the spanking they had 4 years ago is way more terrifying than the spanking they just had an hour ago.
My psychology teacher told me a joke. It’s Ukrainian about borscht, but if you don’t know what’s that, it’s just a kind of soup. A child had problems speaking and not even by 3, nor by 10 years he spoke. That day, the mother put a bowl of borscht in front of him, he ate a bit and said: ‘the borscht is not saulty enough’ The mother started crying of happiness that her child spoke. And thus she asked: ‘But why didn’t you speak before?’ The child replied: ‘Well, before the borscht was never bad’.
could this be possibly the reason why my son favors my wife more because she doesn’t give him consequences? i feel like i’m impatient but i ask my son to do certain things and he usually does it with in 1 or 2 tries. emma, do you believe both parents should consistently do this? my son act on both sides of spectrum with me or his mom. if so, i will share this with my wife so we can both be on the same page. thank you.
Can you please tell me what can I do to my 3 years old boy to listen to me .he doesn’t listen a word.if I talk to him he keeps talking. Making annoying sound. He doesn’t use his normal voice to talk. He always use different voice at home .He cry for little things from last 2 months.he do misbehave most of the time at home.his good when I take him outside for walks or in park.but if I enter any shop or house he doesn’t listen to me. I’m really upset bcoz of his misbehave being annoying all the time not listening..please help me
I am gonna try this with my nieces w hen I am with them. My 5 y/o (not my kid) can sometimes ignores us on purpose. I use to flip out on her, but a lady at the part told me not to do that, do it this way. I adapted that, and now I am able to settle her down. Gosh I love those kids. wait, when is the cut off for toddlers? 3 or4, cause she is 5 and her sister is 7.
Good article. A thought…Do not use the word “Please” when giving instruction to a toddler. Please is a REQUEST. You are not making a request, you are giving a COMMAND, for lack of a better word. Learn to just say what you want them to do. Just as you don’t want to make it a question, you also don’t want it be a request. Enjoy! Isn’t raising children the BEST!
My son is 4 years old, and he’s always complimented by strangers for his good behavior. It was very simple to get him to obey though. All I did was at about 2 years old I started a routine of reinforcement strategies for good or negative behavior. I bought a “clicker” and before I’d make a request, I’d click the clicker to bring my son’s full attention upon me. Then I’d make the request, using short phrases that he understood. If my son carried out the request, he was given an off brand oreo cookie to munch on. However, the magic was behind the negative experience. If my son did not immediately comply with my request, I’d press the button that stimulated the collar I had him wear to give him just a little shock. Then I’d repeat the process. Children are so smart. He very quickly associated noncompliance with physical pain. It was less than a week of training before he just unquestioningly obeyed all of my commands and instructions. Now that he’s 4 years old he’s a model little boy. Polite, friendly and obedient. If you put in the time and use some creativity, parenting isn’t as hard as some people make it out to be.
I don’t think I have this problem. I’ll try to get my toddler’s attention while they’re focused on something and it will take saying her name a few times to get her attention. I’ll start out in that sing-song way, progressing to more loud and serious until I have her attention. I don’t tell her to do something and then go back to what I was doing though. If I ask something it gets done because at that moment my primary job is to make sure she carries out her task.
There are ways to communicate with your child that result in them wanting to cooperate–without bribes, nagging, or punishment! Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) is a set of skills that builds positive, healthy, respectful relationships–all relationships, in fact! There are courses for teachers and business leaders, too, because it works! 🙂
How can I have a serious sensitive conversation with my 3 year old girl regarding inappropriate things dad is/was doing with her. 50/50 custody at this time. Just want to have confirmation that she would tell me if it’s continuing or not. Her dad is very serious and stern with her about keeping this sexual secret between them.
This is interesting because I did this with my sister and I’m not married and I don’t have kids but my friend who has two kids I told her when they were little and she didn’t start training them when they were like one they wouldn’t listen to her by the time they were five and Now that her daughter’s 11 and her son is 6 really don’t listen to her. I think part of the problem is that her husband doesn’t interact with their family at all and when he does he doesn’t treat her well Her kid won’t do her homework. It won’t take a shower she refuses to do anything Both her kids are very stubborn and I just felt bad because when I tried to tell her she didn’t believe me You know I work with four and five year olds and you can tell the kids that were trained young to listen versus the ones that weren’t. By the time she was one she knew the word no. I never had to lay a hand on her she just did what I would ask On the other hand they refused to listen to my mom.
As a parent of challenging children now very sucessful adults, there is only one thing to do. Treat your children as you would treat an adult. And speak to them as so (vocabulary modified obvs to avoid overly complex words ans syntax). Don’t treat them as a strange sub-human species. Engage. Give them attention and love, but don’t “googoo-gaagaa” it. Don’t try and force them to do things they don’t want to do. Instead, make them want to do things because it feels nice to do so. It’s really simple. Pity 90% of parents just don’t get this. Hey ho!
My son has adhd. It’s awful to get a connection with him however as soon as he actually comprehends what I’m saying and really hears me he is very good at following instructions and requests. He is a wonderful child, but damn I need to apologise to my mother for my adhd😂 I was an awful child but at least my son is turning out better than I❤
I saw this first hand: the mother repeating a thousand times the same order while she is on her phone and nothing happens. At the end the kids don’t response to any orders unless you grab them and make them move. It is super bad parenting: you children need to obey at once. At the end I could not stand hearing “stop” a thousand times and the children don’t stop. I put a rule in place: if I hear twice the same word I intervene physically
Parents who whine about not being able to give their attention to their child may want to rethink their choices. Adults have no problem giving everything under the sun their full attention but their kids? Naw, no time for that! Backwards priorities. The point is that these things being implemented earlier, allows for smoother and effective communication as a child ages. Which fosters a measure of independence and clear communication, making this exchange organic overtime. When we speak with someone how lazy are we communicating that we find it “impossible” to be present with the person we want to listen to us? A child is learning, sorry but they aren’t equipped automatically with good communication skills, and parents need to be accountable to their children’s cognitive development. Anyone in the habit of lazy and selfish communication styles is going to teach the same to their children but then blame their kids for it. Completely lacking self-awareness.