Attachment parenting is a child-centered approach that emphasizes the importance of a secure emotional bond between children and their caregivers. It suggests that parents provide their children with a firm foundation of support, such as a “safe haven”, and adjust to co-sleeping. Attachment parenting emphasizes physical and emotional closeness with the child, and its principles include extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping.
Dr. Tatkin found that our expectations in relationships are based on our memories of connecting with our child. Parent-child attachment greatly influences a child’s interactions throughout their lifetime. Attachment parenting encourages parents to reduce negative thoughts and feelings about pregnancy and lean into the parenting process.
Attachment parenting practices can be beneficial for both partners, as they help build trust and understanding. It is essential to communicate openly about parenting, exercise patience, and treat parenting like a joint business venture. Open channels of communication about parenting are crucial, and it is important not to disrespect or undermine your partner.
In conclusion, attachment parenting is a child-centered approach that emphasizes the importance of a secure emotional bond between parents and their children. It is important to understand that children need consistency in parenting and that attachment parenting may not always be beneficial for a struggling marriage.
📹 What to do when your partner is depressed – Esther Perel
Today I’m answering a question I’ve received multiple times: “My partner is depressed. What do I do?” — If you liked this video, …
Is it too late to start attachment parenting?
Attachment parenting is a mindset that focuses on building strong relationships with children. It is not about specific practices or behaviors, but rather a mindset that is wired to connect with the child. Many parents are unaware of this connection, but it is essential to recognize and nurture this connection. Early attachment parenting methods, such as co-sleeping or baby wearing, can help build strong relationships, but they are not the only means to achieve this.
To strengthen the relationship and attachment with a child, it is essential to start at the beginning of the process. Start by being together, engaging the senses, and spending regular time together. Focus on physical connection, such as play, wrestling, hair styling, hugging, massages, and cuddling. Find times when you can close the physical distance between you and your child, and focus on being together and engaging in physical activities together. This will help strengthen the bond between the parent and child, ultimately leading to a more secure and loving relationship.
Can a marriage survive different parenting styles?
In a marriage or divorce that is characterized by mutual respect and understanding, a diversity of parenting styles is generally accepted. Children will interact with a variety of adults and educators, necessitating the development of adaptability. The observation of parents’ disparate approaches facilitates the acquisition of the capacity to adapt, as evidenced by the example of a harmonious marriage or divorce.
How to fix insecure attachment child?
To ensure your child feels safe and secure, set boundaries, be available to reconnect after conflicts, own up to mistakes, maintain predictable routines, find enjoyable activities, and respond to their emotional age. As children grow up, they develop attachments to their primary caregivers, which can vary depending on their early relationships. There are four attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganised. Nurturing adult attachments provides children with protective, safe bases for exploring and engaging with others and their environment.
What are the criticism of attachment parenting?
Critics of attachment parenting argue that bed-sharing, which has been linked to SIDS, is a risk. Attachment Parenting International aims to address this by implementing safe bed-sharing rules. Attachment is no longer viewed as a trait, but as a permanent, lifelong characteristic influenced by peer pressure, school relationships, dating, marriage, and early childhood experiences. Attachment theory emerged in the 1950s, but has evolved with the advent of childcare, exposing children to multiple caregivers.
Critics argue that constant attention to a child’s mood can lead to overdependence and overdependence, or even bullying. Proponents of attachment parenting also point to reactive attachment disorder (RAD), a psychiatric condition that requires significant physical and emotional deprivation. However, research has shown that attachment issues can be addressed with interventions like therapy.
What to do when you disagree with your partner about parenting?
Parenting together when you can’t agree on a parenting style is normal. Be clear about your parenting style, don’t criticize each other in front of the kids, use a catchphrase when help is needed, make couple time, see a therapist, and know it’s never too late.
When having children, it’s important to consider your husband’s parenting style and avoid critiquing each other in front of the kids. Use catchphrases when help is needed, make couple time, see a therapist, and know it’s never too late to address the disagreement.
Disagreement is normal, and it’s not the only couple to go through this. Anna and William, a New Jersey couple, have experienced this with their authoritarian parenting style, which caused friction in their home. Be clear about your parenting style, don’t criticize each other, use catchphrases when help is needed, make couple time, and see a therapist when needed.
Do people divorce over parenting styles?
Divorce lawyers have observed that differing parenting styles can lead to divorces. While opposites can attract in dating, these differences can become less complementary when it comes to raising children. Parenting styles can vary, from being patient for discipline to being strict and authoritarian. When there is a lack of respect for the other parenting style, it can be frustrating and destructive, causing distance and dissonance between parents.
The Brangelinas split, involving actress Angeline Jolie filing for divorce from husband Brad Pitt, was reportedly fueled by differences in parenting styles. This trivial and minor issue has raised questions about the foundation of one of Hollywood’s most admired power couples. Understanding the differences in parenting styles can help couples navigate their differences and find a harmonious co-parenting relationship.
What age are babies most attached to mom?
By 4 weeks, your baby will respond to your smile, then smile back at you by 3 months. By 4 to 6 months, they will turn to you and expect you to respond when upset. By 7 or 8 months, they will have a special response just for you, and may also respond to stress, anger, or sadness. If your baby doesn’t respond, make an appointment with a healthcare provider. Babies can develop secure attachment with multiple important adults, including a child care provider, without affecting the special relationship they have with their parents or primary caregiver.
What to do when your spouse has a different parenting style?
Parents often have different parenting styles, which can lead to confusion and insecurity for their children. To address this, it is essential to find common ground, communicate regularly, and avoid putting the kids in the middle. Disagreements should be kept private, and support and understanding between partners can be achieved through group classes or discussions.
To prevent confusion and behavior problems, it is crucial to set reasonable rules and present a united front. Children may feel more secure when parents set reasonable rules and avoid dividing and conquering. Private discussions can help resolve disagreements and reach a compromise. This approach can help parents work together and create a more positive and supportive environment for their children.
What are the 5 rules of attachment?
The soccer analogy of attachment can be used to illustrate how we create stories to fit our beliefs. The Authentic Self enjoys watching the game for its uniqueness, while the Preference is a fan of one team. This association is intrinsic to our identity, and the Fanaticism is a worship of the team. The process of creating a story involves analyzing the game and its outcome, focusing on the emotional side of oneself that enjoys the ups and downs of a great game while being able to let go.
What are the 7 B’s of attachment parenting?
The seven key practices, collectively known as the “seven baby Bs,” encompass a range of essential techniques and principles in the context of childbirth. These include birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, close bedding, the belief in the importance of the baby’s cries, maintaining a balanced and structured approach, and exercising caution when considering the use of baby trainers.
What’s the worst parenting mistake a couple can make?
The article presents a discussion of 11 common parenting mistakes, including a lack of involvement, an inability or unwillingness to adapt to the child’s needs, the establishment of strict rules, constant nagging, the enforcement of discipline, a lack of respect for authority figures, and an insufficient investment of quality time with children. Such missteps have the potential to impede a child’s growth and development, ultimately resulting in adverse outcomes.
📹 How To Talk To A Fearful Or Dismissive Avoidant (When They’re Stonewalling) | Attachment Styles
In this video I talk about how to communicate with the dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant when they are stonewalling. Want to …
This resonates tremendously. My partner is going through a serious depression over work and career. While they express a genuine desire to not bring me (and the relationship) down with the ship, there is still this “parallel experience” that inevitably forms. I had been thinking of that recently, but you helped me put it into words. Sort of like trying to save a drowning person, it’s easy to get pulled under. When you love someone, it’s such a fragile balance between keeping your partner safe while also keeping yourself safe.
You can be supportive emotionally, say you are there. But you don’t have to be a sponge for all their problems. Remember their vitality is broken, so you can’t do things for them. Instead, be present with what they are feeling in that moment, don’t tell them to feel better, but follow with I understand that (their words reworded) and suggest they get professional help. Don’t become their life managers. Saying this as someone who has been depressed before. Emotional support, not life advice.
And take good care of yourself. Don’t dive into the depression with your partner. Talk to good friends about how you feel. If you are happy, don’t hide it, you have the right to be yourself in your own house, just like your partner. Take a walk to breath fresh air. Love your partner and yourself and be present! I remember my partner said: “Why do you sing while I am depressed?” We both have the right to express what we feel. After the depression my partner told me she was glad that I stayed stable and happy in that period. She could be herself and I could be myself. Keep on breathing…
Great advice, thank you! On a practical note, I believe you also need to prioritise taking good care of your own needs by doing activities you like and spending time with friends who are not depressed. Being with a depressed partner can easily drain you emotionally- you need to keep recharging your own batteries in order to not get depressed yourself.
Great piece of wisdom as always. In my experience both as the depressed and as the other, we all have to go through these by ourselves. The other people can provide some guidance but they can’t “lift” or “fix” us. The depression is there, it has it’s own cause and it will go away eventually once we process what we need to process. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be there for your partner, to be a stable and calm presence, to help them keep afloat, take care of the practicalities to make sure they have everything they need to go through it (food, cleaning, etc.) and of course be a source of sanity for the acute moments. This means you also have to take care of yourself and make sure you get what you need to stay strong. In my experience this is the best help one can offer. It means above all that you trust their ability to go through it by themselves which is very important, especially in those moments when they even doubt it themselves.
I think the tension and frustration in a romantic relationship where one person regularly has depression comes from one partner feeling like they are carrying much of the weight alone. If someone is both in a relationship (maybe even has a family) and also has depression, they have to seek professional help and allow their partner to be emotionally supportive. I apologise for the analogy but it’s kind of like alcoholics or drug addicts – they have a disease they feel powerless against, but if they show the desire to fight it, the partner also then feels the desire to stand by your side. But if you stand by someone’s side, while they’re going through something and not allowing anyone to help, and then you’re left with all the weight of the practical life, then it can definitely get frustrating, painful and exhausting.
This is altogether great advice and I’d like to emphasise the ‘tell them they have not always been like this’. Still after years I remember my best friend telling me how, no, I was not always sad, closed and scared and that it will come back, and I still remember my family member telling me I’d been a cheerful child. It elevated some of my panick and gave me this light of hope, was really, really precious. I hope it’s clear it was not a complain or a fight, it was a reality check for a very desperate person.
OH MY GOD this made me feel so understood and so validated. The guilt and helplessness is BIG for me because growing up i was my mothers emotional caretaker, she pit all her problems on me and expected me to solve them. So thats my natural response now is to try to fix it, or i feel worthless, like i am failing in my only purpose in life. Thank you for this article. My only complaint is that it wasnt longer! You have so much wisdom.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this knowledge. I’ve been in a situation like this and I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do and why most of my attempts to find a way to help my partner failed. And it’s as simple as you explained: You’re not the one who can fix them, yet you can be there to remind them they’re loved and important, encouraging them to seek professional help and not give up. Once again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Absolutely true… I have been on this path and realized how futile my Helpful and incessant pleads were. Resentment and parallel depression was the result and that was killing our relationship…🥰 All I had to do is stand there in love, support and empathy and free myself from being entrapped.. thank you
Excellent advice ! I say this while I myself am the depressed one.. I do need dear people close but not to choke me. Also, I do feel better seeing others caring for me, but I cannot snap out of it just like that. I need time, during which I very slowly get better, but it doesn’t show on the outside as much. Having someone near is a great help, only one should not get hasty or angry as you said!
As I totter towards the incredible age of 60, having suffered with depression my whole life, I would give an arm for a partner who would just stand by me. I know enough now to realise that they must have their own life & interests, there must be times when they can get away from me (especially when I’m in the pit), to get out and have some fun without guilt. If someone would make sure I have some simple easily digestible food before they leave, and then when they come back. I promise that when I climb out again (and I will) I’ll want you to share what you’ve been doing, be happy for your triumphs and commiserate on your losses. One of the things I like best about myself is that I can express happiness for the happiness of others. Even if I don’t actually feel it at the time, I can say “I’m so happy for you, I’m glad life is going well for you.”
This is helpful. I’ve been going through a hard time emotionally for months and finally opened up to my partner about it a few days ago. He was so surprised because I’ve been happy and smiling. I explained that I didn’t want to burden him and was hoping that I would work things out myself. Speaking to him has been helpful, whilst he doesn’t have the answers, he is a great listener.
Thank you Esther for your efforts to assist others. Everything you discuss can be summed up easily. Humans are very Selfish & Petty. Humans need to discover TRUE CHARITY for each other. Especially Couples or Married Couples. With TRUE CHARITY the Pettiness is Eliminated and BLISS is Discovered. I have been married to the same wonderful person for 50 years. And we overcame being PETTY. We Care About each other and TOGETHER we overcome all Obstacles. I am in LOVE with the same 18 year old person I married 50 years ago. And as you have mentioned in many of your articles; when the Going Gets Tough, WE Overcome with SPONTANEOUS TENDERNESS. Thank You again for your efforts to assist other find HAPPINESS in their Relationships.
Hi Esther, what a great response to this question. As someone that is experiencing depression now I thank you. I’m doing my best to overcome this in time, but I know its been hard on everyone that cared about me and tried to help me. Notice I said past-tense as in “cared” and “tried”. Those loved ones are no longer part of my life because relationships often suffer when there’s chronic illness over a significant period of time. People lose patience, and all the things you mentioned. There are not enough supports available it seems and then too much pressure is put on our loved ones in terms of supporting us, but they’re not trained to help and sympathy only goes so far. Compassion is where its at, but the problem is that many of us have forgotten how to cultivate compassion within ourselves first so that we can offer it to others. Depression is not a choice but some of us that are living with it often feel like we get blamed for choosing depression, maybe because we don’t recover on someone else’s timeline (or even our own timeline). And its an isolating time in one’s life, which is a time when they might most need the right kind of support. It’s complicated, like Esther said. Thanks again for this article Esther:)
So so good advice, the last thing i want when i am depressed is someone judging me, blaming me, trying to make me do stuff, giving advice. It just creates so much more tension. I feel like i need space, to get myself out of that, myself, because when i achieve something myself i feel empowered, even when it’s a little day to day stuff. And i need the presence and understanding from my partner, encouragement would be great, but my partner is just not there right now. Took me some time to figure out what i need when i am depressed, now i am trying to teach my partner what to do. It is a journey, but it will get better over time.
Thank to you, finally I changed, also my perspective changed about my relationship. I thought before me and my husband had bad comunication, bad relationship and i had to accept that. Now I realize, I had unpractical and impossible expectations about myself, my husband and our relatioship. Also my depression has gone now and I’m ready to begin a new relationship with all my milieu. Love you
I told him tht im always be bside him that we love him,and we cn move forward tht if other people can,so he can too.That he can express himself and solve the problem 1 step forward abd we seek for professional help.And no matter what i wont leave him and will gonna solve it together and look forward for our future ahead..
Thank you for this article, great wisdome. I dont feel angry with my partner at all. I sort of understand what he is going through. It is hard to feel love towards yoursel when you are depressed, and even more difficult to love someone else. You slowly withdraw your feelings from your partner and you avoid discussing any sort of problems but you let it explode. If yyou have the right partner in your life, you are lucky, because they will give space when you need it and be there when you need them. Work on yourself man, no other way to get out of this. Remember the good times together, and what made you happy before. It will be fine, don’t give up on yourself or on your spouse bro. Sending lots of love to those who need it. You can do it! 🙌
Yes very good advice, and it require a lot of strenght and decipline to carry out. Boundaries is key, but to my limited experience people with depression sometimes really whant’s you to be a loyal companion and they see it as a act of love if you also get depressed together with them. I found depression difficult, because it is not just one person beeing extreamly low. Sometimes that person uses this “power of weakness” to controll you, more or less consious. For me it was a que to get out. That is toxic and destructive especially if the person not is seaking professional help.
Wow. It is the same that is happening to me. I do feel helpless. It is exactly the same you saying. I tried to tell him to go for help and I feel like saying that it is a offense. And it is taking a lot of my energy. One day is good. Next day it is bad. One day can love me. Next day saying the our relations it is what bringing him down because of distance. It’s been like that 4 years. Thank you for your article. It explained how I am feeling.
I would like to dare to add, if you are the one with depression, please do find professional help. I made the mistake of thinking my partner could and should be my support in everything. They are not psychologists, and would not know how to help you. (Unless they are.) Don’t put that burden on a layman, you might ruin your relationship.
I had a friendship like this in college. The girl had a slew of issues including depression and low self-esteem. She often allowed men to take advantage of her in hopes they would end up with feelings for her. Instead, she would come out more hurt and damaged. Ultimately, I would be the one picking up the pieces (or trying… or so it felt like…). Personality- wise, we were polar opposites. I was focused on school first, then friends, and never boys or partying etc. I couldn’t understand why she was purposely hurting herself and I kept suggesting her things to do. She would mostly just take my advice and be like “thats stupid it wont work”. I started to get frustrated that she would keep complaining about the same thing while continuing the same patterns and not listening to anything I said. The relationship quickly took on a very negative role in my life at the time. I would feel helpless over her state, while simultaneously angry that she refused to do anything about it or at least take my help. I also felt like she only reached out to me when shit hit the fan. I was not the fun friend to hang and spend time with anymore. I was the responsible one who fixed shit. While I didn’t mind being in that role, I resented how it made me feel. I remember one day she said “You’re mean to me but its okay because I love you”. I was so shocked by how fucked up that statement was. I said, “if you really believe that then I don’t give a fuck if that person is me, you shouldn’t be with them”.
I love her thoughts. She’s more beautiful & graceful everytime I see her in a article. I’m glad she used her own experience here. 💪 Here’s my thoughts. Being in a melechony state isn’t wrong to go through from time to time. It’s just an undesirable feeling of doom that’s can feel bothersome within that particular season. But it’s a two sided coin that most of humanity will experience. I believe the peaks & valleys are required to keep us relatable to others. No one’s exempt. Surrending to what’s needed in that particular state will yield results. Look back and reflect. Win. Win. Purpose. 😉
no, when you love someone you feel exactly what they feel. when you have a partner who is regularly depressed they don’t care about your help… they are just depressed. the problem with having a depressed partner is that they make us depressed too, they suck the life out of us. so if we are truly committed to a depressed person the problem is ‘how can i cope with this person who sucks the life out of me and makes me feel depressed?. every day. of my life, how can i be happy with them?’ i think this is the biggest dilema in marriage. depression has become the norm now and people don’t feel the need to change. you love them but they are unbearably depressing as people and they pollute your environment with thier mood. every day.
You can’t save people only they can save themselves. Your urge to change them is because of your own discomfort and compulsion to manipulate the situation to your liking. Take them as they are and sit there with reality don’t try to manipulate it. Say a few things carefully but leave it at that. You cannot change or save other people it is their journey and their life.
Also see a psychologist if you don’t understand what’s going on or if you love them but don’t know how to help. Especially if your better half has chronic depression. My ex left me because he wouldn’t understand that I was in a downward spiral and his most common remark was “You can’t see things so gloomy 24/7”. I had suicidal tendencies when he left me. A year later (now), seeing a psychiatrist/psychotherapist and diligently taking my medication, I still don’t understand why he didn’t do anything to help me. I can’t understand why some people lack basic empathy and, although they say/believe they love you, they do absolutely nothing to prove it.
before we broke up he told me that because he was going through a hard time he couldn’t even meet the basic needs in a relationship but he also told me that he didn’t want to break up with me because i was a good and supportive gf. the day we broke up he said that he was feeling pressured every time i told him i love you.. when i didn’t really demand him to say it back and i said it a couple of times a week.. i know he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style but it was really hard for me dealing with that kind of person + him being depressed… he has lots of unsolved trauma and lots of stress.. + me being an empath really hurt me because i could feel how he was screaming for help even though he didn’t really ever complain about his situation. i tried my best but some how being in a secure relationship stressed him out and he pushed me away when i never said anything hurtful nor reacted with anger at his unnecessary irritability. it’s hard to get over him because i know how hard his life is rn and it makes me sad that he pushes away people that care about him
My husband was fired from him job 4 days ago. He has ignored me since then. I asked him why he has pulled away and he said he feels like a failure and that I’d be better off without him. Our relationship is blah suffering because of his reaction to stress, not the actual stress itself. It’s a similar pattern I’ve been noticing with him. I don’t know what to say or do other than just pull away myself. I’m so exhausted with this behavior pattern.
A wife, who has clinical level depression comes to her husband, desperate for help, miserable, at the end of her rope, and he says to her: “what the f**kdo you want me to do about it?” That is not appropriate, to say the least, she felt as if she had been slapped across the face. That’s what you get when you support your partner but they are incapable of supporting you in return. Two Years before, the husband was crippled by anxiety, unable to leave the house for 3 days. The wife didn’t know what to do or say. She put her arms around him, held him as he sobbed. Made therapy appointments and went with him. When the roles were reversed, he was pissed that his wife bothered him with her issues. Some people suck and have no compassion for others.
Thank You Esther Perel’ I’m Wondering Why We Dont Actually Teach Social and Relational Healthy Mental Health’ in Public School’s? We Have 12 Years To Do That?-And That Would Decrease The Problems Associated With The lack of Understandings and Subsequent Problems That Causes In The Society That They Are Moving Into and So To Make Better Parents Aswell!? ‘\\😶/’ Blessings Always To You’ You Are Such a Beautiful Spirit and Person! Thank Again’ For Your Priceless Insight!⛅🌈
In your own time. I love you. Depression, it seems like it must feel like there aren’t enough tanks, not enough in the tanks to overcome it, out there. I’m not sure when or how but I’m sure there will be solution or someone will come up with a solution and depression that sets in, will be a thing of the past, and also, if depression sets in, there will be a way to actually reverse it or neutralise it.
i’m talking to this guy for few months & we both fell in love, we’re not in a relationship because he told me he wants to court me first in respect for my culture and standards so i agreed he have a depression and eating disorder, his situation got worse when he founds out he can’t eat gluten, loss his job, and he really find it hard to get a new one he’s also stressed out when his sister got a miscarriage and tried to kill herself he told me he feels useless and his depression got worse and worse everyday he even started to pushed me away, hide from me, ignores me, and act rude just to make me go away i just don’t know what to do, i want to stay beside him & i know i can’t help him but i want to show him my support and love, i want to show him i’m willing to be patient and understanding that’s why I’m doing everything i can to understand him more & now i’m here any more advices? also, another question just recently, he forgot my birthday… i was very upset, i even thought about leaving him but i didn’t i don’t know what to do, i found out through some people that if someone forgets your birthday, they don’t care about you but some people say it’s not really a big deal any advice? should i be mad or leave? i’m genuinely asking i really love him
I had to leave him. I felt like I was enabling him. He let me do everything. He took responsibility for nothing. I worked 3 jobs to keep us going. I felt like I was going to die from the stress. He stayed stuck after I left. He finally was suicidal and was hospitalized. He went on disability at age 45.
I feel so helpless and angry at the same time. I’ve tried to get her to seek help and she never goes all the way. Last time she didn’t even try to find a therapist and when I helped her and listed hundreds of them (created and saved a list of emails) she never send her message to them even tho she had it ready. As a depressed person myself I have wasted so much precious time trying to get her to seek help and I am burying myself doing it. It’s been 5-6years and I am losing hope. Distancing or letting her be does nothing in our case, unfortunately 😢
What if they never make the effort to get help? It’s paralyzing. I have depression myself and was able to get therapy. What can I do? How long can it go on? It makes me resentful because I have made that effort and it’s been three years and they won’t make the effort. I feel like my head is underwater.
Great advice, thank you. I’m trying to put aside my resentment and show up as a friend and a loving partner. We are 1,5 yes together. Thinking of a future with him (of sharing a home) makes me feel scared. I already work long hours to accommodate my needs. What if I end up in a situation where I will have to work even more to accommodate his too??
My partner just lost her mom she’s been depressed. ever since she snaps at me can’t get on with my grown up children she broke up with me multiple times before her mom died she’s again said she doesn’t want this been together 12 years rocky now on my own again it’s been a week now I haven’t contacted her
What if its a LDR? We have big seen eachother in over a year and I visited him thd last 2 times. This annoys me and I end up angry, because I feel like even if you are depressed, don’t I matter? He’s been depressed since October 2020 until now, and we have also not seen each other. I just feel drained and yes angry with him.
My wife is midlife crisis and had affair Shaw was / is depressed we had one child and she’s 12 now and less dependent on us.. somshe hates our lives and marriage I’m trying to save our marriage and be the best man I can be but seems like ever since she cheated she doesn’t seem to care about our marriage. It’s not like I have nothing to offer, i work hard have a good career, loving patient kind, supportive …but nothing I did for her was appreciated
Script for reference: I can feel that you are shutting me out right now. And I totally want to respect your time and space, in order to process what you are experiencing. But at the same time I want you to know that if you stay in a mode of stonewalling me, we’re not going to get the opportunity to get to the root of what the problem is, and then I’m not going to be able to understand what is going on and solve it with you. I would love if you could hear me out as well, and to hear you out too, so I can also meet your needs. Please think about this and let me know if there is a time you feel comfortable to openly communicate about this. And if you are open to doing that, I am happy to respect, hear and understand what’s going on for you emotionally, and what you need going forward that caused this pain, as long as you are also willing to do the same for me. Let’s approach it from a really respectful and empowering place. I feel I can do that, let me know when you are ready too.
Thank you. As an FA, I stonewall because I am in a “freeze” state, trying to manage my feelings on my own, too scared that if I express them I will cause anger or deal with the pain of being misunderstood. It’s old programming, and even though I am surrounded by loving people, I can still get triggered. Personally, if someone said this script (or something similar) it would feel amazing because they would be both validating my reality and respecting my boundaries- a magic combination!
Sounds like walking on eggshells to please a dismissive by constantly being super careful of what you say and the way you say it.. I think it will get exhausting after a while if you cannot freely express yourself in a relationship.. The person in the relationship with the dismissive also has emotions ..
I’ve been trying these techniques, non violent, I statements, focusing on how things make me feel vs assuming, naming or blaming. I’ve tried these for years with my sisters, with whom we all came from a complex trauma home and they simply don’t work. The approach of open communication doesn’t work for individuals who feel threatened simply by the confrontation itself, of the conversation. It has felt to me like many people are so accustomed to indirect, implied, passive aggressive, assumptive communication that the act alone of attempting this asking for what you need, expressing sincerity…it has usually been met with an additional fight. I can’t change an emotionally unhealthy person’s mind set, by my willful act alone. If they believe they wronged or in the right or slighted in any way, it’s impossible to communicate my side in the first place.
There is a simple solution for every single attachment style, and that’s self love. When you love yourself, you have a different mindset, and you automatically know what do to that’s best for you. Some people simply don’t change, at least can’t be changed by other people, they have to make changes themselves. Sometimes in life you just have to let go, instead of over-analyzing every little thing the other person does or doesn’t do. Accept people for who they are, accept YOURSELF for who you are, if you’re meant to be it wouldn’t be this difficult.
My ex-boyfriend was avoidant and it was impossible to know what his reality was. I had to spell out to him “I welcome the truth. I’m passionate and interested in your reality. I will make an effort to hear you. You are safe.” He could not communicate his boundaries which led him to ghost me eventually because he had suffocated himself. People like this need so much reassurance, otherwise they deceive you with agreeableness. Sad.
Hello all. I am FA, and I disagree with Thais. No, it is our responsibility to tell our loved ones if we are feeling like this. What I would say to my BF or a family member or a friend is “I am not feeling good, you cannot make it better, I know you love me and want to help me, and I want to make clear I love you too. I just think I am not good company and it will take me some days, maybe weeks to feel better. I care about you and I am sorry right now I cannot be in touch with you the way you want/need. But I will be back very soon. I love you and I will contact as soon as I feel better.”
As an FA myself who’s going hard to do all my healing work, when do we stop babying this behavior? Why can’t they see that these things only ruin their good relationships and push away the people who love them the most? Aren’t they tired of repeating the same patterns and getting nowhere? As damaged as I was, I never put anybody through the torture of stonewalling and I’m no longer going to try sweet talk my way out of it happening to me. If they want to be alone and/or in and out of meaningless relationships for the rest of their lives, let them have it.
Thais! The intro, I’m crying. “When you clean up the abandonment wound it’s easier to leave an unhealthy relationship” I’ve never thought of myself as someone with an ‘abandonment wound’, but I have always known myself as someone who bends over backwards and makes excuses and FEARS what might happen if I set boundaries and maybe the person decides I’m not worth considering anymore. I’m always trying to be convenient- and thats from fear and a lack of faith in myself. .. So I needed to hear that. Not that it really matters but he’s DA and I’m FA
I just learned yesterday that I’m an Anxious Preoccupied type with a Dismissive Avoidant. We relate to each other just as you’d expect from this combination. As a man, it’s a weird position to be in because I’m “supposed to be” more dismissive and avoidant. I’m now educating myself on how to deal with her, IF she wants to put in the work to save this relationship. Yesterday was a lightbulb moment. . .thank, God.
I’ve just moved in with my DA-partner. This new commitment to live together has made us both a bit anxious (I am recovering FA) and he recently had a bit of a avoidant panic attack, shutting me out, because he explained he associates intimate connections with past experiences of being overwhelmed, smothered, lose his individuality. He asked me to please be more open about myself, but I feel so emotional that I need time to digest my thoughts/feelings, and so effective communication between us is really important right now. Thank you for these articles! I recently got a membership and will look at the scripts.
The one thing that this article has helped me with is getting off the ledge of writing all the letters where I talk about being so wounded by getting dumped and discarded… and now the silent treatment. It’s been about three weeks since the faiful text ( after 18 months)… and I had nothing but upset about it,… this helped me,… I really don’t want her back, but I quite dislike ending on bad & hurt terms. Very good food for thought,… thanks…
You’re so good at breaking this down!! I’ve been in therapy for my own personal growth. My x said no to therapy and he needs it more than I did. Long story short… I want him to watch these so bad because I still love him and although I left, I had to… I still love him and I know we can be a great couple if we just knew this information. Thank you. I’ll get him to at least watch these eventually. I’m still on my personal growth mission so I’m not going back to his shit anytime soon… not till he puts in the work too.
As a dismissive- leaning FA it’s unfortunate that there’s so much resentment towards us from so many of the people we date. Most of the time it’s simple misunderstandings that go unresolved because of my partner’s unwillingness to communicate the boundaries they have. They betray themselves by not standing up for themselves, by bottling the things that bother them, and end up resenting me for not meeting non-communicated needs. In my most recent relationship, I would ask directly what she would like to see from me that she isn’t getting, and she would flat out refuse to say it, because “I should know how to be a good boyfriend without me having to tell you” etc. I’d shut down and withdraw because I couldn’t deal with the feelings of not being enough, or not being good in relationships, etc when the reality is that, while I’m not perfect, I gave her so much information about me; I wanted to be an open book for a change. She is mostly an anxious FA, and she is very good at showing up for everyone but herself. I think she viewed her needs and boundaries as a burden on others, or that it was unsafe to express them without people leaving or getting upset with her. Idk. Anyway, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy where, because I’m pretty good at expressing my needs and boundaries, she was given the tools to better deal with me and therefore was seemingly great at meeting my needs. But she never gave me the tools necessary to be a better partner to her… she forced me to fire shots in the dark until I hit something, and made me feel awful when they wouldn’t land, for not intuitively “knowing her”.
The needle moving. This week we communicated finally and I found out she is going to therapy and acknowledged she never thought to work on her relationship and intimacy issues until now. I’ve also learned that while I have worked towards being more securely attached, my unhealthy attachment is FA and interacting with my FA brings that back out. It’s very challenging. We went on 2 dates and we’ve been going through this for the last 6 weeks. Hard not to think I’m being strung along. But I don’t believe she has malicious intent in the least.
Thais, I found this one by fluke, and had missed it even during my absolute soak up all your vids part of the process! This is brilliant and im sorry i missed it before, quality intuitions into the minds of the FA and enabling those that Love an FA to engage more empathically. Some of the comments below regarding sounds like walking on eggshells etc I can understand but like you say, love conquers all and if the FA we love is to heal, long term commitment to the relationship with them is as essential to their growth as it is to our own understandings of others. We can only gain not lose in the path to increased understanding of everyone we love. Brilliant as always, you are divine being, keep shining! x
This is the article I need right now 😅 I was ready to say some things when my ex will pop up next time (he stopped replaying to easy messages but at the same time pops up searching for me where he knows he can find me and acts affectionate and opens up a bit again) but they sounded a bit too pushy and too strong for his temperament…even though I’m an FA too, that speech I was ready to give is something I can handle,but he can’t and would probably push him more far away; this way you are showing sounds much more appropriate, because after all we are on the same team and we still care a lot about each other but he is going through a really hard time, both understanding himself through therapy, and dealing with a stressful family situation. Thanks!
I just feel so shitty. At first I felt better finding your articles because I understand but factually speaking, im not a “secure” type but I overcorrected so much I know for a fact I didn’t do anything to deserve being stonewalled right after cuddles, emergency room for 2 days, any of it. It’s not right. I just want to feel better. I dont want this. Its not right and tired of being penalized for existing with love.
well, but you can only try to say these things when your DA is in a good mood. and you can ruin this good mood within seconds. so for me this doesnt work at all. not a single bit. and if the DA listens, then he still gives only one word answers or even has the audacity to ask me if im finished with talking so that we can end communicating now. and when i would say words like ‘respect’ ‘chance’ ‘why’ ‘please’ the DA gets triggered and pushes you away, as always… a DA would never givt reassurance for anything, and the moment you demand it, the DA pushes you away.
But what if my DA doesn’t even acknowledge that they’re stonewalling me, let alone that there’s an issue they’re going through? Whenever I try to gently approach the topic, I always get a ‘There’s nothing wrong, everything is good’ and there no change in behaviour. I feel like as soon as I try to bring it up and form a conversation around it, I’m shut down immediately.
I keep getting put on a shelve regularly, usually after we met. Then he takes space to miss me again. Saw each other the weekend before the last one on a Sunday, and he didbt talk to me since. We planed on being together… Super strange behavior. Very introverted and hot and cold behavior. He can’t stay away from me but didn’t commit yet. No idea what to do with him. I’m very open with my emotions and feelings. And I am not hanging on to negative feelings for long, but I’m anxious when I don’t hear from him, and it bothers me… I wish I knew how to get him out of his zone before its too late. I know he loves me…
I feel that I have tried to approach the conversations in the ways that you express in this article. It doesn’t seem to go anywhere even when I express how I am affected by their actions. This has been going on for years and it really never comes to a conclusion in the end besides ignoring it until it goes away or comes up again. They feel the need to go as far as saying “what is there to resolve?” I am just not sure how else to get across to them that I care about what they think and say and end up having conversations with myself. I rarely ever feel like the issue has been resolved unless I let it go.
I have been trying to apologize for something I did to my ex. I want to give an honest apology but when I just tried in a heartfelt email he (FA/DA) lashed out at me and it was horrible. I know this says nothing about me, but it’s like it robbed me of my original intention which was to offer a sincere apolgy – really triggered me in my narc mother even though he is not abusive. I want to apologize for me and him. to clean my own slate to move on. But, this is just awful this stonewalling.
Thank you so much Thais this is exactly where I am at ! When we dated 3 years ago I didn’t know he was a Da,now that I do I’ve realized this is the pattern after we have been together, it’s a lot but I do care and I try to remember it’s not their fault we all have / had issues and we wanted someone to understand ! Appreciate you 🙏🏾♥️
Ok so my DA partner stonewalls me and when I do what you’re saying, he doesn’t agree because he believes that he is able to meet his own needs and process whatever he is going through on his own and he doesn’t need my help with it. The only thing he wants from me is to leave him alone. It is so frustrating and it leaves me with unmet needs for connection.
I screwed up really bad. Went into full on AP Crazy mode w the FA I was seeing over his stonewalling. I feel like every wound I have is triggered. I blew up his phone. Messaged from a fake number and even messaged his ex. I am so HURT by his refusal to talk and I am a mess from this. Someone help. So far I have made a fool of myself and can’t seem to get myself under control. He’s half aware of his problems but 4 break ups in 11 months and he’s stonewalled for a month at a time. Everything was great then implodes. I just dont understand it
Ive tried so many times all of what u say…for the anxious yes its extremely painful/devaluing & triggering all of my trauma/ abandonment wounds…then when i finally react through this, he says i trigger him!! Sometimes i feel he is using me.. taking my vulnerability for granted….waiting tillnhes ready to come around… i just feel like im bashing my head against a brick wall!! Selfish!! Then when ive finally reacted & had enough…im to blame!! Wtf!!! ??? Then he ends it….only to come back around when hes ready again & says he will try, but the first sign of any trigger for him….instead of understanding eachother…working through it together…he doesnt ….& the same cycle begins…..im guessing i have to find the inner strength to finalise it & walk away😢 I’m working on my wounds…why does the avoidant not seek help for their wounds/pain?? So demoralising…when it could be so easy…what about their partners pain??? Not just acting on their own & stonewalling & abandoning them!!
How long do I wait. I think this is me. Im anxious and I think my GF is DA although she’s not interested in looking into attachment styles much. Based on her behavior though it’s safe to say. THe problem is, just like this article she’s completing stonewalling me. I know almost nothing about her past or relationships. She talks to her friends about things but just tells me I need to respect that she is private and she says she doesn’t trust me (i read: feel comfortable talking to me) I’ve told her that i respect her boundaries and to talk to me when the time is right but its been nearly 6 months now and still nothing. SHe has a hard time reciprocating her feelings back verbally, and my love language is words of affirmation. Her’s def is not. I tell her I miss her, how much I like her, how pretty she is etc, and she shuts down. She doesn’t feel comfortable with compliments and gets angry at me when I do, and she gives me no validation back even though i’ve both asked for it and hinted at needing/ wanting it. I really want the relationship to work and I really like her but I don’t know if it can when she doesn’t trust me, even though i’ve never done anything to lose her trust or show that im not worthy of it.
How do I communicate my understanding of the mistakes I made and acknowledge that I understand how it affected him and how I have and worked on myself to my ex? I don’t want to highlight negatives and he has a tendency to emphasize those but the majority of our relationship was wonderful and I truly think he is the best person I have ever met. But when he feels hurt or rejected he completely shuts down and I don’t know how to even start to approach that.
Sent this via text. Was this too much?? Erica, I honestly and truly appreciate how much you extended yourself and let me into your life. I know that’s not easy for you. I really do. If it’s more than you wanted to, thank you for trying so hard and I’m sorry it came at such a high cost for you. Your perspective is valid and deserves to be heard. You’re going through a lot being back home and I don’t want to add to that. I just want to clear the air because I feel like I’m losing you. I just want to know what is going on. I want to know how I can help you and not be a burden. You needed a break from me and I understand that this is how you self calibrate. Youre trying to protect yourself and I get that. It hurts though being ignored. Please, don’t feel guilty or afraid. I’m not going to shame you. I truly want to understand to be there in the way that you need. But I need you to know what it is like for me too. I don’t want to resent you. I know we don’t deal with things the same way and that’s okay. I know youre hurting somehow, but not totally. I want to be on the same page. Please communicate with me. I care about you and you have been great for me. I hope i have been good for you too. If I haven’t you can let me know and it’s something I want to know. I just need communication please. I’m sorry if this is triggering or makes you feel guilty. That is not my intent.
2 months ago ended my relationship with my DA (I’m AP) and I want to be clear: they don’t think to have a problem,they don’t admitt who they are..I’m sorry, it’s useless. Everytime I felt he was strange he always used to respond “No,everything is ok, you overthink” . I tried for MONTHS to understand why he didn’t want to have sex anymore (which has always been rare) and he always said he was just tired, but then I discovered he wanted to do cybersex with cam girls. I had enough..enough humiliation,low self steem..and pain. Never again.
Right, people say comments like you can just say ” oh? They are dismissive avoidant, I’m good on dating them.I’ll find someone new.” Like it’s that easy, what if this was the love of your life? Could you just say it’s like walking on eggshells and I’m exhausted? You gotta think about it from all angles.
I’m at the point where being sweet and understanding isn’t working. We’re going months on end with no constructive communication and responsibilities are falling by the wayside. I’m the only one trying to reach out and fix things and trying to communicate. So now I’m going to do the “this shit is pissing me the fuck off” ultimatum approach.
I get told me reassuring her, complimenting her, honouring her when she has seen i need her to lean in in that moment etc – she hates it and hates that i do it. I explain my needs and how im trying to heal and process things by guving her space etc and now im telling her what shes not doing and yet that is exactly what im Not doing but as usual it gets turned into me attacking her for expressing what i need. Its like being a lure on a fishing line 😔😔
If someone has an avoidant attachment style, just get rid of them. Yeah, there’s tons of coaching out there about how to make relationships work with these types, but unless you want to do 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away?
Ughh I’m so sick.. I’ve already been stonewalled and ignored and blocked 🙁 think I’m too far past this stage 🙁 it didn’t help that he lives long distance from me 🙁 so it was easy for him to just block me out of his life… These people I feel are really toxic and I don’t think this society does a good job of like thinking it’s okay for people to be this way. Because it’s REALLY not. If a relationship is going to work, it takes Two people who are willing to communicate. If you lack that ability, I do believe you need to go back to kindergarten where they can teach you the basic skills of how to deal with your emotions. Of course our school system is fucked, so how would they have learned? I think this needs to change. We need to heal this world and it starts with teaching kids at a young age. Adults are carrying around childhood wounds and it is not okay. I will not tolerate putting up with people like this anymore! Haha I’ve dealt with an ex for TWO whole years, playing the game of walking of eggshells being afraid to ever speak up because I was a afraid of how he would react( shutting down blocking me and doing all this stuff like banging other girls just to get over the feelings he had.) This was so unhealthy and it’s def taken a toll on my life. The best advice I can give is avoid these individuals all together haha!! Not that there hopeless but like it will definitely take so much work and hard dedication and a fair amount of your soul being sucked, only for the end result leaving you alone and basically with nothing.
How do you hold a fearful avoidant accountable for their behavior????? No where on the internet teaches this. These people are very emotional unorganized and do cruel things? Any fearful avoidant can answer please? Do you know when your wrong or does it take you time to realize you are wrong? You have to know to some extent if you lie about things you’ve done.
The guy I was dating has said he wants to be friends. I cannot get a straight answer out of him as to whether there could ever be more than that again or not. I don’t even know him well enough to know what his attachment style is. But how hard is it to just say yes or no and not have me in limbo?! Jeezzzz
(Paraphrased but you’ll want to put it in your own words anyway) Hey, I can feel that you’re shutting me out right now and I totally want to respect the space and the time that you need in order to process what you’re experiencing but at the same time I want you to know that if you stay in the mode of stonewalling me we’re not going to get the opportunity to get to the root of what the problem is and then I can’t understand what’s going on inside of you and resolve it with you. I would love for you to hear me out as well and help me understand what’s going on inside of you so that I can meet your needs. Please think about this and let me know if there is a time you feel comfortable openly communicating about this and if you are open to doing that I’m here to respect, hear and understand what you are going through emotionally and what you need going forward to avoid pain as long as you are also willing to do the same for me and let’s approach this together from a really respectful and empowering place. I would love to do that I would just like to know when you feel you might be able to do that with me?
Is completely blocking (always sleeping falling asleep when I ask to talk even though I give that space and that time when they ask for it making excuses to not talk but then goes and talks to these other people again privately, behind closed doors shuts me out Has conversations with these “friends” all day long all night long. While Laying next to me. Will hang up with me to talk to them. Etc. Is this stonewalling? Please help it feels like something else but idk. I’m an AP formally a Secure
Can I use this with an ex as well? We share a child and are in one another’s lives a lot. We have been split 6 months and it’s this back and forth close/pushed away thing. He says there’s a possibility of us and that we should be working on ourselves at this time, but when we get talking about us and I try to have deeper conversations sometimes he just gets super defensive and hangs up on me or erupts and leaves. I want to understand but I feel so overwhelmed.
Well, my gym coach actually fearful avoidant, she once told me she loves and other good stuff and then the next day she acted like i killed her mom, I asked her she denied, she is so exhausting, Iam leaving the gym ASAP, coz she doesn’t give me comments on my workouts any more just like suddenly but she gives every body else, funny and sad.
I’m a DA with depression which my mom and I just recently found out about. My mom is willing to hear me out and let me express my feelings and I’m aware that I’ve been stonewalling my mom (who might also have depression) however I’m emotionally numb and have been repressing my negative feelings for basically my whole life do you have any advice? I don’t exactly have a support group because my mom doesn’t know how to help me and I have no close friends. I did see a counselor 7 times last year
I jusy don’t think I’m right for a FA, as a secure attachment person I find this behaviour in a person well over 30 childish, also a bit of a turn off, and as much as I think I should give him a chance everytime I read the comments section, I feel disgusted at all the FAs and DAs feeling like “they just cant help it”. Where are all the secure people? Why are there so many damaged goods out here disturbing people’s peace 😑
A script like that would get thrown back at me so angrily by my FA bf. Im a gay man btw. FA are not reasonable at all They are usually cold as fuck and very hard to get through to. So hard when you love and adore this person. You act affectionate and sweet- they feel suffocated. Its like trying to love an alien You pull away- they get triggerred by abandonment and tell you your distant Its almost impossible As an anxious attatcher whos really not too heavy on the needy side. But shows a lot of kindness love and genuine authenticity its very painful I pray him and i can change our dynamic a little bit.
Why is it so freaking hard to talk to an avoidant? Can we just skip all this stuff and cut straight to the point. There is nothing wrong with being offended. Usually if you’re offended it’s cause there is something about you that is not truthful. Absorb it when you’re offended and fix it. The real problem here, is what they are avoiding is self growth
So basicly you have to be the most eloquant well versed high IQ psychologiste to be able to say the perfect combo so they open up and want to engage? How about …relationships is 100% 1 and 100% the other ….if you have to turn a relationship into negociation. You neglect to say that kills the magic. Because what is not said in this article, is that all this stone walling and being silent when its time to be expressive… is in the middle of ”THE MAGIC”. Meaning everything goes great …magical…and then you get close and kiss or hug and if shes scared… BAM ”stoned walled or even insulting to push you away”. Sure shes traumatised and has issues ….but why kill your happyness to try and build something she on her own isint trying to get help for. Seriously .. if your 30 + and have these issues… your not seaking help, you havnt done the work on yourself and your sure as hell not aware or conscious enought to know that your behavior is unacceptable by every single human being on earth. IF the avoidant dismissive is lying so deeply to themselves….and they believe themselves. Why do you want a relationship with them. Avoidant dismissive isint just …avoidant dismissive. The underlying issues is they ”DONT” deal with their shit, don’t want others to push them to deal with it either and if they feel to close to getting attached they will do everything so you give them space so they try and normalize their irationnal uncontrolable emotions. Avoidant dismissive are horrible at managing emotions.
Okay so. I’m like somewhat sure that my ex is an avoidant because she has insanely low self-esteem, monkey branched off of me onto a guy she met like 3 weeks before we broke up. Kicker is, like a month after we broke up aka she cheated on me but didn’t admit it (she did) I wrote and send her a letter hoping she reads it before our anniversary and get at least somewhat of an explanation or at least get to talk to her: It came back unopened a month later. Is this stonewalling? Like, she deleted all her social media accounts that she knew I know off. Didn’t block me on steam and twitter tho