Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurological developmental difference that individuals are born with, and it is not possible for these characteristics to develop later in life. The signs of ASD include impairments in social interactions, communication, and repetitive or restricted patterns of interest or behaviors. It is generally accepted that autism is a lifelong condition, and while it is possible for someone with Asperger’s Syndrome to not present noticeable symptoms until later in their lives, it is not possible for those characteristics to develop later in life and be considered ASD.
Asperger’s Syndrome is no longer diagnosed separately but amalgamated into “Autism Spectrum Disorders”. For an autistic person who does not receive a diagnosis in childhood, receiving an ASD diagnosis later in life may be helpful for many reasons, including better access to treatment and support. Although it is not possible to develop autism later in life, it is still possible to receive an ASD diagnosis as an adult.
Many adults with Asperger’s may not stand out as much, having learned more about communication while struggling to understand others. However, adults with AS may experience other symptoms that can significantly affect daily life. No two people experience AS in quite the same way, and some people are not diagnosed with autism until adulthood.
In summary, ASD is a neurological developmental difference that cannot develop later in life. While it is possible for individuals with ASD to develop symptoms in later life, it is not possible for them to become autistic in adulthood.
📹 Why Late Autism Diagnosis Matters: What I Wish My Family and Friends Knew
Late autism diagnoses are becoming more widely shared and many loved ones are left with questions. This video was made in …
Can you become neurodivergent later in life?
Neurodivergence refers to the differences in how the brain processes, learns, and behaves from what is considered “typical”. While these differences may go unrecognized in childhood, they can suddenly appear in adulthood. Neurodivergence is now recognized as a societal benefit rather than an individual issue. Not all presentations of neurodivergence are disabilities, but all are differences in how the brain works. Practitioners are now viewing neurodivergence as different methods of learning and processing information, which may become disabilities in an inaccessible and ableist society.
Can you have late onset Aspergers?
Asperger’s syndrome can develop later in life, as individuals with the condition struggle with complex social interactions and understanding. As children, their social interactions become more complex, making it easier to identify signs of autism. They may also be viewed as overly mature for their age, making it harder to identify signs.
Asperger’s is characterized by the propensity to learn and excel academically, with few noticeable learning disabilities or developmental delays impacting their ability to perform in school or work. Many adults with autism excel in school and careers, but may struggle with sensory sensitivities and social interaction. They still live rich lives and can make a significant impact in the community and the world.
A diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome is not shameful, and getting help can make aspects of life easier. If you are an adult with autism, getting help now can make aspects of your life easier.
What does undiagnosed Asperger’s look like in adults?
Asperger’s syndrome affects adults in a manner that impairs their ability to communicate, interact socially, and regulate emotions. Many individuals have never received a diagnosis, despite being originally diagnosed in 2013. Despite exhibiting average or above-average intelligence, individuals with Asperger’s syndrome may encounter difficulties in specific domains of their lives.
What are the 12 signs of Asperger’s?
Asperger’s syndrome, also known as high functioning autism, affects one in 59 children and is a developmental brain disorder. It typically presents with social, behavioral, and communication challenges. Asperger’s may go unnoticed until puberty, when physical and hormonal changes occur, along with more social and educational challenges. Teens may struggle with taking turns during conversations, interpreting social cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. They may also struggle to empathize with others’ perspectives and stay on task. It is important to recognize these signs and take necessary steps to help your teen manage their Asperger’s.
Can you develop Aspergers over time?
Autism is a developmental disorder that occurs during childhood brain development, and while adults have completed basic neurodevelopment, symptoms can still appear in higher-functioning individuals under more stress or challenge. Some adults who were not diagnosed in childhood may be later diagnosed in adulthood. Symptoms of autism in adults can be similar to those in children, including difficulties in social situations, obsessive interests, and strict adherence to routines.
Can you develop Asperger’s as an adult?
Asperger’s syndrome, a condition often diagnosed in childhood, is now recognized as autism spectrum disorder. Those diagnosed with mild symptoms often struggle with social interactions, obsessive interests, and enjoy repetitive activities. They also have difficulty with social interactions and enjoy repetitive activities. Since 2013, those previously considered to have Asperger’s have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, as doctors now recognize behaviors associated with mild autism as caused by autism.
Can Asperger’s start at any age?
Asperger’s syndrome is a condition characterized by difficulties in social interaction, excessive talking, one-sided conversations, lack of interpersonal relationship skills, inability to express feelings, and difficulty verbalizing internal thoughts. Symptoms can vary from person to person and may be diagnosed at a later age. Common symptoms include difficulty interacting with peers, excessive talking, one-sided conversations, lack of interpersonal relationship skills, inability to express feelings, atonal speaking style, lack of empathy, inability to understand societal norms, and difficulty understanding personal space.
Other symptoms include poor fine motor skills, handwriting, increased sensitivity to loud noises, bright lights, and unusual textures, poor coordination, clumsiness, unusual body postures, and difficulties using gross motor skills.
What can trigger Asperger’s?
Asperger’s syndrome is a complex disorder with varying symptom severity, and there is no single cause for its development. However, various factors contribute to its complexity. Genetics play a role in the disorder, with some children being associated with genetic disorders like Rett syndrome or Fragile X syndrome. Genetic changes can also increase susceptibility to autism spectrum disorder or create environmental risks. Other genes may affect brain development or communication, determining the severity of symptoms.
Physical factors also play a role in Asperger’s syndrome. Brain imaging studies reveal structural and functional differences in specific areas of the brain, possibly due to abnormal migration of embryonic cells during fetal development. These differences affect the wiring of the brain and neural circuits controlling thought and behavior.
Can Asperger’s be late onset?
Asperger’s syndrome can develop later in life, as individuals with the condition struggle with complex social interactions and understanding. As children, their social interactions become more complex, making it easier to identify signs of autism. They may also be viewed as overly mature for their age, making it harder to identify signs.
Asperger’s is characterized by the propensity to learn and excel academically, with few noticeable learning disabilities or developmental delays impacting their ability to perform in school or work. Many adults with autism excel in school and careers, but may struggle with sensory sensitivities and social interaction. They still live rich lives and can make a significant impact in the community and the world.
A diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome is not shameful, and getting help can make aspects of life easier. If you are an adult with autism, getting help now can make aspects of your life easier.
Can you become autistic later in life?
Autism cannot develop in adolescence or adulthood, but it is common for it to be missed among girls and high-functioning individuals when they are young. Most individuals on the autism spectrum are diagnosed early in childhood, but some may not receive a diagnosis until teenagers or adults due to the subtle symptoms of autism. Modern understandings of autism spectrum disorder have confirmed that autism cannot “develop” in an adolescent or adult.
Autism is not developed in older children or adults, but rather diagnosed, especially in cases where the appropriate diagnosis was not received when they were younger. A key requirement for a diagnosis is the presentation of symptoms before the age of 3.
Can Aspergers come out later in life?
Asperger’s syndrome in adults is not currently diagnosed with a specific test or diagnostic criteria. Autism spectrum disorders are typically diagnosed in early childhood, and it is becoming less common for adults to reach adulthood without an autism diagnosis. If you suspect you have an autism spectrum disorder, discuss your symptoms with your healthcare provider, who may refer you to a specialist to assess your behaviors and symptoms.
📹 Spotting Autism in Adults – Common Signs and Traits of Autistic Adults
Hi! I’m Orion Kelly and I’m Autistic. On this video I share some of the top signs and traits to look out for to spot an #autistic adult.
One thing I forgot to add to the discussion… it seems for many autistic adults that there is a SHIFT that happens – once you “see” autism in your life you can’t “unsee” it, and the ways you used to mask now become even more painful because you innately understand what it COSTS to continue masking in certain ways. It might not be anything you can articulate with words, but you KNOW in your inner being that you simply cannot continue functioning the way you used to.
Diagnosed at 50. Everyone says it comes as a huge relief and while it explains SO MUCH, I went into a complete identity crisis. I’ve spent my entire life trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and fix it. There’s no fix for this, other than acceptance. And I’m so angry over all the misdiagnoses and unnecessary medications I’ve been thru over the decades….
I haven’t been diagnosed but when I was learning to drive at 27, after frequent meltdowns my teacher, who was also a therapist, told me to pull over to one side of the road and asked me the simple question “have you ever been diagnosed with autism?”. I mentally filed that away until I was 36 and when working in a school a coworker gave me a sheet from her daughter’s autism diagnosis. I read the whole thing. It was me. It made so much sense. I cried for all those lost years. I feel like I understand myself so much better now but I have still masked and repressed myself so much that I have lost so much of who I am as a person.
Being late diagnosed, it seems to me my closest family members are less accepting than strangers. They always knew me masking, they tend to forget all the problems (there were a lot) in my childhood that were never explained, and they don’t take time to wonder about this topic. I tried to explain, at the beginning, but with no result, and I got tired of it. In the end, I’m masking a lot with my family, and less with strangers (who show more curiosity). English is not my first (or second) language, I hope it’s understandable… Thank you for your articles, I like them very much !
YES YES YES! I’m 54, self diagnosed and I love this article! A couple of friends and family members have expressed “concern” about me talking openly about my self diagnosed autism. This explains more eloquently than I could why I need to keep bringing it up. Why I keep perusal articles about autism and ADHD. They can’t conceptualize what it’s like to suddenly understand myself. It’s overwhelming, exhilarating, a little bit scary, kind of all the emotions all at the same time. Autism answers so many lifelong questions: why am I not good at being a friend? Why do I have such a hard time doing certain things like returning phone calls, getting certain tasks done (that I now understand require spoons that I don’t have left), generally struggle to interact with the world the way everybody else does? It’s such a relief to finally be getting some understanding of why I am the way I am. I’m learning a lot in the process, and finding ways to overcome some of the things in my life that I find uncomfortable or challenging.
The prospect of getting this confirmed is both exciting and terrifying. What if I test negative despite my being 99% sure? I have been feeling so ambivalent since learning about female autism because a. “omg this is me” and b. “What if I’m wrong?” Btw I hate most comment sections on yt but those under autism articles are full of thoughtful, empathetic people. Makes me feel at home.❤️
It’s also very important to note that being autistic comes with a high chance of also having other conditions like ADHD, OCD, etc. and that after we’ve put in the research, we usually know how our condition(s) affect(s) us very well. Respect what the person tells you, there’s nothing worse than being gaslit by someone you trusted with this knowledge. The damage to both us and the relationship itself can be irreversible. I’m 27, I have worked for about 10 years of my life and yet I still use cue cards with pictures every morning and evening so I don’t forget parts of my routine like brushing my teeth. I’ve been told by someone I can’t be autistic because I “have my life under control”. I don’t. I work, I go to uni, but I regularly lose track of things, straight up forget appointments, deadlines and I’m tired of having to explain that I don’t struggle on purpose to get attention. That wouldn’t even make sense since I struggled in silence for most of my life. I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery for nearly 2 years now and it’s hard. Grieving for what could have been is a process that might never end and I know people loving us don’t want to see us struggle, but we need to work through it at our own pace. Just ignoring trauma (that most of us have due to, e.g., being told our experiences are invalid for most of our life) doesn’t work, it’s a recipe for mental illness.
I LOVE that you made this article to discuss adult diagnosis!!!! YAS!! On another recent article, someone mentioned their psychiatrist told them it wasn’t “worth it” to pursue diagnosis, and I thought that advice was so sad 🙁 Because ND, esp. autism, has historically been so stigmatized, I think professionals still default to this type of thinking. They think these labels are bad and harmful to individuals, but in reality, diagnosis often has the opposite effect. Accurate diagnosis is often the first step toward greater self-awareness, resources, and meeting other ND folks to develop a sense of community. I wish NT folks understood that people who are ND experience the signs, symptoms and effects of the condition(s) *regardless of diagnosis*. This is why diagnosis is usually a joyful occasion for us!! It’s not the end of being neurotypical—we never WERE neurotypical—it’s the beginning of finally understanding ourselves.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20s and it changed my life. 20 years later I’ve learned that I’m also autistic and suddenly the struggles I’ve had over the course of my entire life have become so crystal clear. It’s like a new sunrise and suddenly being able to see the entire landscape. Thank you so much for this article and the wonderful summation of so many of the things I’ve been feeling over the past year since discovering my difference
Being late diagnosed as well (28, nearly 33 now) the most important thing is getting to the stage where you begin to feel like you’re getting “more” autistic in your understanding of yourself and coping. You’ve touched on that topic in a prior article I recall, but for anyone here in the comments, that stage is incredibly important because that is a hallmark that you’re actually finally beginning to live your authentic self and letting go of masking and habits you’ve internalized that prevent you from loving yourself. It took me four years to get to that point and in the past year I’ve finally begun to delve into hobbies, and able to focus really intensely and make incredible feats of learning and progress in those hobbies (painting, in my case) which I felt was literally impossible to me in the past. I may have to schedule more things and manage my reactions to things more carefully but I would never want to return to the ignorance I lived under before this. I was experiencing panic attacks on a near daily basis, flirting with high blood pressure and putting myself at risk of heart attacks and stroke from intense anxiety and stress. I am much happier and able to be present in my life and look on the future with some measure of optimism. I wish that for everyone, neurodiverse or not.
Describing it as your whole view of life locking into place is perfect! Me realizing that I’m autistic has shifted so much in my life! Especially accounting for my sensory needs whether that’s avoiding sensory stuff that bothers me like loud noises or engaging with sensory stuff I like for example really soft fabric or certain songs, etc. That’s been HUGE for me. I’ve given myself so much more grace since figuring it out. And it’s been huge in understanding why I have constant miscommunication with my non-autistic partner so our arguments have diminished SO much.
Your website popped up randomly in my feed a few days ago and the moment I started perusal the first article, I immediately felt a HUGE sense of relief. I’m 34, undiagnosed, but I 110% relate to every single thing you’ve said in every article I’ve watched so far. I could cry tears of happiness at the overwhelming sense of relief I’m feeling right now. I’m so fortunate to have come across your website and I just want to thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone and that others feel this way, and what it actually means. The world has felt so dark for so long and you’ve really shed a light for me and given me hope. I’m going to continue perusal and hopefully get a formal diagnosis soon. Thank you again! 😁🤗🤗
I am 46 years old and due to the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced was led to discover that I am autistic in severe burnout (self diagnosed)I am into my 3rd year of this depression/burnout and am still having a very difficult time recovering. Most days I feel like “I’m not going to make it” because I have no idea who/what to be…all I know is I can’t keep being the me I have been-which you articulated so well in your comment after the article. I am in a place of nothingness-and not sure how to get out. I am always just so tired and every little thing feels so hard. This is a strange place for me to be as I have previously been very successful,raised 2 amazing humans and almost felt superhuman in pushing through obstacles to not even being able to do the most basic of tasks. I just try to remember that nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass and I will eventually figure things out…thank you for expressing so beautifully so much of my own internal experience.
That was so incredibly well put. Almost a year ago I’ve found myself finding the strength to finally tell my best friends my discovery that I am autistic. That night I was so overwhelmed that I literally said I explain it to you guys later but suffice to say I’m not in a good place right now, here’s the short answer for why and I’ll talk to you guys soon with the details. Then I just never did. there were little things that have come up for sure but I have yet to sit down and be like this is what autism is for me this is how it differs from both of my kids and everyone else. this is why I’m having such a hard time coping with thing… Just the everything about how I’m feeling. I’m gonna send them this article and then I’m gonna ask for like an hour long FaceTime call where we can sit together and I can actually talk to them about it. This article gave me a lot of strength because I’ve been wanting to do this but it’s such a huge under taking it’s always felt too big and how do I start? they haven’t done the years of research, they know the stereotypes that everyone else does, now I want and need to introduce them to autistic me. Thank you for making this vide!!!
Thanks. Listening was comforting. I’m 71 years old. I live in California. My psychologist works for a medical corporation that does not do diagnostic evaluations for folks my age, but rather places the focus on behavioral and pharmaceutical interventions to address symptom relief. I have shared my belief that what has been at the root of my problems is ASD. I’ve received support in doing boundary work and practicing DBT and acting as if I have an ASD diagnosis. I use articles such as yours to provide the external validation I now recognize I have craved. As I continue taking responsibility for understanding myself and attending respectfully to my needs, my hope is that my ability to relate empathetically and respectfully with others will increase. Thank you for sharing your work.
One more thing that I wish our families and friends would understand: we need you! your understanding, love, respect, insight and reflection. so much of what we go through every day happens at the intersection of our lives with that of others – the more you understand and learn about autism the easier it becomes for us to find our footing in this world. I‘m very blessed with kind and understanding people in my life and my heart breaks every day for my friends in the community who have to deal with constant dismissal and disrespect by the people who are supposed to love them the most. So if someone you know tells you about possibly being autistic: please honor their trust in you! listen to what they have to say without judgement. maybe look into the sources they will inevitably supply you with. and also: keep it to yourself – it‘s not your place to tell others about it.
I’m 57. I was formally diagnosed less than a year ago. Everything you say here rings true. I sum it up like this: Autism a semi-rare nuerological condition that requires support. You can’t get support for autism if you don’t know you are autistic. The reason I sought formal diagnosis was to confirm my own research and self asessemnt, the suggestion by others that I might be on The Spectrum. The formal diagnosis confirmed level 1 autism. I was born autistic and I’ll die autistic. Like every human being on earth I have strengths and weaknesses and sensitivities and insensitivities. Like every other human being on earth I struggle to communicate my thoughts and feelings to other people. The difference lies in the character and intensity of these sensory, social, and commucation abilities and deficits. My profile is extreme because I am autistic. If my needs are suppoprted I’m able to connect with and participate in the world and contribute profoundly beautiful things. Before I knew I was autistic, the world was a hostile and threatening place to me. It still is – but I no longer hold myself responsible for it. That my Autistic friends, makes ALL the difference. My current self care dictum is this: “Don’t fight your autism. Lean into it.” Autism is a force of nature. Fighting with your own autism is like having an emotional autoimmune disease.Self attacking self. But there’s a way out. Embrace your autism. Welcome it as the beautiful gift it is. You are EXCEPTIONAL! Yes – exceptional.
I am 29 and am questioning if I am autistic. What you said really related to me. One reason I think I have a hard time even seeing myself as possibly autistic is because other people do not because I am so seemingly functioning. But also my little sister has autism. I now know we have a lot of similarities but she is not high masking, high functioning. Since it was my role to take care of her and because I am so familiar with her struggles, I tell myself that I couldn’t be because she is the example of what autism is and like you mentioned I felt that she needs the help so why would I take that away from her by seeking my own diagnosis? Those are the thoughts I have at least. Now I know that autism can express in different ways but I still have some self discovery to do and see if seeking a professional opinion would be beneficial or not for me. Whether I have autism or not, your articles have really helped me navigate my own struggles and put terms to things that I used to just hate myself for. I’m learning and growing in confidence in my own skin everyday though. Thank you!😊
Talk about late, I was diagnosed at 62 after a four decade career in engineering. One of the best managers I ever had told one of our customers “you might not like what John says and you might not like the way he says it, but you have to listen to him; because he is usually right.” That was two decades before I was diagnosed. The book “All cats have asperger syndrome” by Kathy Hoopmann was the key to my being diagnosed. It showed all of the things I was experiencing in the traits of cats. I have lived with and studied cats all my life. My avatar is Chips, he is my smoke Egyptian Mau. I am still trying to process all of the meaning of this diagnosis, but just knowing why I am “odd” makes a world of difference.
I was diagnosed almost a year ago at 27, after knowing I was autistic for a few months before that. It’s made a world of difference in ways I still struggle to unpack. It’s like I finally got the permission to stop striving to be “normal,” whatever that even means. I understand myself better. I can accept my limitations and accommodate them instead of berating myself for them. It’s so huge and so important.
It’s interesting how you said the mental chatter subsided. I’m 39, discovered my autism just a year ago, and just received my official diagnosis. It’s been blowing me away lately that I’ve been mentally monologing a lot about how I function, as if to “explain myself” to others. And the remarkable thing is that I recognize I was actually explaining very specific autistic traits, BEFORE I knew anything about autism.
My late diagnosis, 6 years ago, was truly cathartic and I told the PhD., “the dots connected!’ I have had peace of mind since and like you said Taylor, I realized that I have been doing a good job of masking all my life which was exhausting! Unfortunately I tried to share my diagnosis with my sisters, nieces and nephews, but they informed me that they wished to move on from me. It was disappointing for awhile but I came to the conclusion that I have to live “my life” and this is all about me, and that isn’t selfish either. Great to be part of this wonderful community!
As someone who’s becoming more and more aware of my neurodivergence at nearly 40, this is a really helpful take. I am not assigning a particular name to my differences at this point, though some aspects of Autism, OCD, and ADD all resonate with my experience. The “self-gaslighting” has been such a struggle for me and I have judged myself harshly and had a lot of anxiety around being judged for things being hard for me that are apparently just normal and easy for others. It’s a journey I’m still on. Thanks for making this article!
I found your website a year ago. I was looking for information as I think my 47 year old daughter may be autistic; I am 73. As I listened to your vlogs I started to feel as though I was in another world. Not only did it all make sense about my daughter, it also blew my mind that I could personally relate to all of the signs! All my life I have wondered why I feel like a stranger in every setting I encounter. I’ve wondered why I spend so much time pretending to be interested in things other women my age seem to do. I’ve wondered why I’ve forced myself to invite people into my home whilst feeling anxious, afraid and panicky. I’ve tried to talk myself out of how anxious I feel for no apparent reason and why my brain insists on landing on a thought like Velcro with no way to release it. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, GAD and possible ADHD many years ago, and been in therapy with a wonderful psychiatrist for a very long time, but he knows nothing about autism in adults, which he freely admits. Taylor, in a previous vlog you mentioned a therapist/naturopathic doctor named Natalie Englebrecht. I looked her up and discovered that not only is she in my country (Canada), but only 30 km away from where I live. I’m in the midst of working on her questionnaire and psychometric tests. I would not have found out about her if not for you. Thank you very much for all your posts and excellent information.
Diagnosed at 41. I spent most of my adult life in addiction. I didn’t understand why I kept on going back to things that kept me drowning. It wasn’t until my diagnosis that I understood everything. The need to run away from myself. I been sober going on 5 yrs. After the diagnosis, it strengthened my desire to stay away from substances. I can’t describe why it worked that way. I just feel everything makes sense now. Sadly, I feel sharing my diagnosis with my mother made her more emotionally distant than she already was. She stopped asking about my emotional well-being after the diagnosis. She chalks everything to depression. Autism was too much for her to handle. My nephew is on the spectrum and presents differently. It’s easier for her to talk about his autism because its more obvious compared to mine. My feelings are still hurt though. I still feel invisible to her.
Self diagnosed here but feel I MUST get a clinical diagnosis to combat the pushback and disbelief I will inevitably get from my entire family. It feels like an impossible mountain to climb. This autism realization has thrown me into an identity crisis, I do not feel any relief in knowing. I feel angry about how hard it’s going to be to get everyone to believe me.
You can go and go, even for 58 years, without a diagnosis, but with what I called “nervous breakdowns,” or burnouts and agoraphobia happening regularly, leaving you broken and exhausted in bed all summer just so you can face the awful anxiety of teaching in front of people 2 days a week for 9 tortuous months, never understanding why you can’t just “buck up” and use “will power” to push through all that “silly” anxiety and feel the “joy” of teaching and writing books. But, wait. The overwhelming load of teaching takes up so much of your energy, you can barely mow the lawn let alone write a book, and the interoception has left your body broken and barely hanging on just like you’ve been doing for the last 30 years. I get it, now, sister. And I feel a little better.
Thank you for this, I got so much out of it. My assessment is scheduled for the end of March, and I’m pretty nervous about it. I keep having this fear that they’ll tell me I’m obviously not autistic and that I’m just trying to make excuses for my life. But what you said about the controversial nature of word “autism” and how no one is really wanting to run around saying they are autistic was especially helpful. It made me consider what the likelihood is that a neurotypical person would even be seeking an autism diagnosis for themselves. It’s a lot to consider and think about.
Hey…I have been gaslighting myself to the point of abuse. I was a dancer and in the entertainment world for most of my life. That lifestyle is akin the world of athletes….it’s all about “tough love” and “if you haven’t puked, you aren’t working hard enough.” Nothing gets you more respect than showing up to rehearsal even though they KNOW you are injured. We were rewarded for it. I was so proud of that mindset, because it really makes you feel confident and accomplished…working through the pain…we even learned to embrace pain (weird, I know…but I know I’m not the only one😅)…..but outside of training, it is toxic, af. Telling myself to “stop being so dramatic”, or, “quit being a 😼 and get over it” are things I am striking from my internal lexicon. It is like de-programming after escaping a cult. I am so blessed to have a my hubby around to stop me when I “tough loving” myself for things like being too tired to work, forgetting things, interrupting (also ADHD diagnosed)….and it has really been helping me too see how ABUSIVE I have been TO MYSELF. It has also become apparent that I have taken over the role of my mother (who is an AMAZING, intelligent woman) who has a PhD in “get over it”….which is very strong in the Black community, as we honestly do have let things “roll off your back” in general…..but it is VERY detrimental to mental, and physical health …. I am learning to be nurtur to myself. Your entire life should not look like boot camp.😂 Anyways…yeah…lots of work to do.
I know your content is aimed primarily at women on the spectrum, however, SO MUCH of what you are saying applies to males as well. I’m 68, male, and have become quite good at masking. So good, in fact that I had fooled even myself. Yet still I couldn’t figure out why (as you said) I feel so out of touch with other people, why I totally dread human contact, why my world seems foreign and separate. I am self-diagnosed – but it was so completely obvious to me, once I understood what autism was and took every manner of test, read every available book on the topic and looked honestly at myself. Your website is the very best in content, in my opinion. Thank you.
I’m still awaiting my autism assessment after more than 2 years but researching and learning more about autism and especially how different people experience it has helped me grow and mature a lot. I’ve been way more accepting of my true personality and thus have been able to be more authentic over the years in different contexts. This can mean telling people my struggles in big social environments and asking them if they could accommodate for it, not being too harsh on myself if I’ve found certain social settings quite hard to manage, finding more optimal environments to study, better scheduling for my days, and especially remembering some of the amazing strengths of autism and applying that in everyday life (shoutout to that article of yours from a while ago on autistic strengths).
right now only my mother and husband know about the autism. I am 39 and discovered this about myself this year. This week was the hardest but now I understand why. I attended my grandmother’s funeral (she lived till 98) and now I am wishing everyone knew my diagnosis because it was draining. So many people hugging me thinking that it is comforting for me but it is not. I am so drained now and tired, so many people so many forced conversations and so much touching. But I don’t say anything and kept masking because then people don’t know at the time and they will just think I am rude or uncaring. It’s so frustrating.
My watershed moment: allowing myself to wear sunglasses and noise-cancelling earbuds in brightly-lit and noisy shops, and being comfortable enough that if anybody says anything about it…I’ll just tell them I’m autistic, knowing that I won’t be the uncomfortable one. Seems like a daft thing to a lot of folk, but to me…that was the realisation that I could actually stop adapting every last part of myself to the world, and have it to adapt to me instead.
I’m only 18 and peer-diagnosed, but I’ve been desperate for that clarification that I am autistic for years now. My parents never saw any reason to get me diagnosed when I was little- they saw the signs (of both Autism and ADHD) and didn’t do anything because they believed I could learn to live with it and that a diagnosis would hold me back in life. I’m in university now and fuck me, I wish I was diagnosed when they first saw- back when it was cheaper because the government mandates the screening process is cheap for kids. Now I’m well on the way to a late diagnosis as I struggle to earn enough for petrol, let alone to save thousands of dollars for a screening. An early diagnosis would’ve saved me from years of forcing myself out of nonverbal episodes, being trained to think I was just tired when I had a meltdown, and not knowing why I couldn’t just do tasks or talk to people my age. If you’re a parent of a kid you think is autistic and you can afford that process, please try to help them. Not knowing is so much worse and leads to do much more self-hatred and struggling.
I just turned 53 in February, and I was diagnosed at age 53 with Asperger syndrome complicated by severe depression (now just referred to as “ASD,” “major depressive disorder,” and “anxiety disorder,” “with ‘possible’ PTSD” now that the original psychiatrist only works with children. I was so happy to find your website (video “How Stimming Changed My Life”) early this morning! I knew there were others like me because someone wrote a nonfiction book about what it’s like to be diagnosed as an adult before I quit procrastinating and did it, LOL. I’ve also seen a few shows on Netflix and Prime article that involved people on the spectrum. You are the first person, however, who seems to say the and do the most things to which I can relate. Yay! (I’m a toe curler, too! And, when my dad wouldn’t let me stay in the nursery during church anymore, and my leg would start to bounce during church, he’d put a gentle but firm hand on my knee and say quietly, “Stifle.” (We just lost him June 2022, to Alzheimer’s-type dementia. I am certain he went his entire life with undiagnosed spectrum disorder, as well as severe depression. He was everybody’s favorite dentist/Boy Scout master, and he could be really fun and silly, but when he was out in hot weather and his body was overheated or he was having trouble with some kind of mechanical repair (especially if springs or Cotter pins were involved) he could be very frightening to be around. And once I was diagnosed, I understood it wasn’t entirely his fault.
I’m not comfortable saying I’m self-diagnosed, but through my research there’s a strong indication that I could be on the spectrum. I never even thought it was a possibility until fairly recently; like so many, I only thought of autism in terms of a male child having a steriotypical autistic outburst or Rain Man. I pulled up an article one day out of pure curiosity with no thought of it being applicable to myself, and I was shaken when I saw how many aspects of autism I could personally identify with. Apart from a life-long history of feeling different, have odd behaviors, and feeling like I have to put up an act when I’m around others (which I somehow thought was true for everyone else) my therapist and I went over the criteria for autism in the DSM and I hit every one. I started perusal articles and reading articles about autism, and every time I saw more and more characteristics and behaviors I’ve had my whole life; I’d so often come to tears because it felt like I was finally understanding why I always felt unconnected to everyone and everything around me. My therapist, who in full disclosure does not specialize in autism, discussed what I was learning with me and how it might differ with anxiety/OCD, which is what I see her for, and it can certainly seem that those lines can blur. But I told her I didn’t really see a need at this point to seek a formal diagnosis, particularly with how expensive an assessment can be for adults. After keeping this to myself for a couple of months, I finally decided to share with my husband that I thought I could be autistic.
I am perusal this in tears. You have put into words what I’ve been feeling my entire life (I’m 34) but had no idea until recently what was really happening. My son was diagnosed with adhd and in researching how he really operates I found that I relate to so much of that. Then I came across signs of autism in women and it all came crashing down. THIS explains so much. Things I thought only I struggled with because I’m the problem. I’m going next week to get diagnosed and honestly I’m terrified. What if I’m not believed, what if I can’t articulate my thoughts, will they think I’m faking, etc. Anyway, thank you for your content. You have been a huge resource
It seems like it is tied to menopause as a trigger (the crossroads you mentioned). Don’t know if it is hormones or what. I grew so exhausted trying to mask, that I gave up masking entirely. I could not work more than one day a week, I stopped answering my door, I began to stim more, and I could hardly sleep. My depression was worse, and I felt like an outsider more than ever. I literally had no f***s to give. This is what led to my autism diagnosis at 53. I could no longer cover my symptoms. You also mentioned on gaslighting ourselves, thinking that our experiences aren’t as real or as intense as they actually are…. but a few people i told about my autism diagnosis to are the ones telling me that… my experiences arent as real or intense as i ‘claim’ for them to be. It’s so weird to think an older woman would use autism as a flex? I mean, im not lying. I ACTUALLY have autism! So weird….
Thank you for this article, I love hearing other’s perspectives since realising just how different each of our experiences truly is. I find it fascinating, for so long I thought everyone perceived the world very similarly to me, but I was so wrong. The quote “I don’t want to take the label from people who really need it” really resonates. I think I might have said those exact words to a previous therapist. And to my Mum! I remember the apprehensions when first reading about common ASD characteristics and thinking maybe it is coincidence because it couldn’t possibly be me. But now I too live a more compassionate and comprehensible life. The way I perceive and experience things is less confusing and frustrating to me, and my relationships are getting stronger. My partner & family has more patience & understanding for me, and on the flip side, I am learning not to leave myself in uncomfortable or overwhelming situations until I boil over and take it out on those around me. I’m learning to take my feelings and my experience more seriously – “if this is a struggle for me, then I don’t have to suppress it or convince myself that it’s not”. I will say that my masking experience was not apparent to me. I think I masked so much that I wasn’t aware of it. But upon reflection, my behaviours at the end of the day and in my safe space were so different to who I was in other places and for other people. I think not only because I was masking by default, but also because the day was so taxing like that.
Last week, one of my children was officially diagnosed. My test scores were exponentially higher than theirs. So in my mid 50s, I just found out that I’m on the spectrum. I have education, training and experience in the field of counseling and abnormal psychology. Self-tested and diagnosed until I get in. I’ve had one friend in childhood and I have no friends in adult. I always knew I was different, but I didn’t put the pieces together or even start a few years ago. but now it all makes so much more sense. Thank you for what you do
52 years and finally getting a diagnosis. Having the vocabulary to FINALLY explain to others what has been going on inside my entire life. That is why diagnosis is so important. People who don’t experience this would never understand how life changing a diagnosis ASD has been for me. 2.5 months post diagnosis. Its like having a new birthday.
Mental- chatter is a excellent description 😘💗 xox I find I have to keep chatter about my neurodivergence small, when it comes to my family.. ♡♡ With my twin- brother especially….. As he can get too overwhelmed if I info- dump on him. For that reason when I only talk about my Autistic- experience briefly, he just takes it in so much better said with love and kindness ☺️ .. With mum out of all my immediate family, it’s different I can speak about my Autistic- identity or anything related to autism much longer as she’s, being there with me through it all right from the…. ..start and she even watches articles, related to autism herself she is NT but very interested said with love; respect and kindness 🥰 xoxox Even though my bro can handle that sort of conversation only in small- bouts he still….. Understands my needs most better then anyone, apart from mum like how I need to take a sensory and social- break, when it comes to large crowds and he’ll even go to check on me and make sure I’m okay, he’s such a good brother! 😊 x
I’m 40 next year and I was diagnosed at the end of last year. I only worked out that I was autistic during the middle of the pandemic. I went through the inevitable existential crisis but came out on the other side a lot stronger and better equipped for the second half of my life. I feel that as a late member of generation X, that we are the last generation to go through childhood without our autism being spotted, especially in those of us who would be classed as high functioning. I’m happy that so many young people don’t have to live with the feeling of something being wrong that my generation and those before mine went through. Life pretty much has begun for me at 40.
I’m to petrified to pursue a diagnosis… but I am not doing well mentally, I’m so burnt out. I’m past the age of 50 and I just need to hang in there until I can retire. I’m in a much more demanding job than I was last year, and I don’t want to lose it because I couldn’t keep pace. There is no one in my circles that understands the stress that I’ve been under. I want to thank you so much for this website. It helps just knowing what is going on with me…and…that I’m not the only one out there who has lived their entire life, not understanding why they have been struggling all these years.
Wow, I sooooo relate to everything you’ve talked about in this article – I’m also in my 50’s & only realized maybe a month ago that I’m on the spectrum, but once it clicked, EVERYTHING made sense! My childhood quirkiness, my awkward social skils, etc.. So now I’m at a place where I’m trying to figure out what things are from past trauma that I should work on, vs what things are just part of being autistic? What behaviors are my mask vs what are authentic? For instance, I now realize that my constant fidgeting is stimming so I’m ok with not “fixing” that as I realize it’s not a flaw & is actually probably helpful. Another example would be maybe addictive tendancies towards eating or shopping, which I should try and fix if I want to stay at a healthy weight or not go broke, which could maybe be magnified by my autism (OCD). These are the weird things that I’m now struggling with, what’s based on my nature vs what’s based on nurture? I don’t want to use autism as an excuse to maybe have bad habits or some emotional issues that I should be working on, but then I do want to figure out who I am & be ok with some of my “oddities”, so to speak. If all that makes sense..
OMG I have literally been using that ducks on the water analogy to describe myself all my life! After a lifetime of feeling like nobody really understood how hard life is for me, getting a formal diagnosis of Autism in my 50s is like being born again! So much so that I’m seriously thinking of changing my birthday celebration to my diagnosis date!
8:55 A warning from someone who’s been autistic who was diagnosed at age 4 and was always autistic but forgot about it till age 26 because you did not want a label even back in the 2000s… And I never masked I have no idea how to… Do you really want to be autistic all the time? As being autistic for 27 years unlike my many othger problems have cost me good days with good friends and cost me friends and realthionships with other people or even the ability to go out side and to places as I won’t get along with other well.. even the autistic aldults. So yeah be careful.
Taylor, thank you! It’s a new world for me, and suddenly everything makes sense! I’m 63 and am waiting on the “official” report, but I know already. It’s been a roller coaster with the discovery, and I have clarity. My therapist said she is in full agreement with the diagnosis. I don’t feel like an oddball, HIGH HIGH HIGH masking my entire life. I can breathe now. 🙏🙏
This article is the BEST!!! I am 58 and for the last year I’ve realised that I’m autistic. I have just been accepted for an assessment and am on the waiting list. Since realising I’m autistic, things have started to become easier. My relationship with my husband has been much calmer and more enjoyable. I’m having fewer meltdowns and he’s understanding me better, so he doesn’t overreact to my “weird” behaviour the way he used to. I am starting to forgive myself for a life’s worth of faking normality but failing at every turn, for being the rubbish friend, sibling, daughter, wife, mother, etc that I’ve always thought myself to be. It really is like “coming home”. My best friend and my eldest brother both reject the notion out of hand that I’m autistic, which really makes me angry, as I feel they should be supportive. I’ve not seen my friend for a while, as I’m struggling with her rejection, and her probing for info on whether or not I’ve been fake with her for all these years. People just don’t seem to understand autism in females. My brother used to teach, and he has only seen the typical autistic males, who present very differently to females on the spectrum, so he virtually shuts me down whenever I talk about it. I’m very tempted to share this article with my friend and my brother. Thank you for this gem!!!
I very strongly believe I have “high-functioning” autism, but in Arkansas it seems almost impossible to get providers to take you seriously as an adult seeking diagnosis and having been misdiagnosed. Not only that, I want to know that I can find a way of life, a career, and a more balanced lifestyle with family and down time… but I feel like the people surround me and the legal institutions, the medical institutions, and the structures in my every day life just don’t and can’t possibly support me. I have been burned out for some time now, and trying to figure out how to go forward with “normal” life.
My boyfriend has an diagnis assessment soon. But he is exhausted all the time. Even falling asleep directly after Work, because his mind was so overburdend. He got psychotherapie for a long time but it didn’t helped because they handled him like an not autistic person. So I hope the diagnosis will help him not feeling so tired all the time.
I appreciate your content I was wondering if there is more material about Moms on the spectrum and the reality that some of these women will NEVER properly bond with their children because they lack proper empathy. Not all people with ASD show that or have it. Super damaging and wondering if you would have considered children if you knew before you had them. Since the world thought it was fine for you to struggle with no help for most of your life. Regardless there is no help for Nuerodivergent people currently that I find beneficial from Nuero typical d.a. ‘s that decide how everyone should live in a world designed for them.
I LOVE the way you described masking here because everyone wants to call it “faking” but it’s not necessarily intentional. I was taught so early on that I had to mask in order to survive that I just thought I was trying to be a good person or a good Christian or woman or, or, or. And I didn’t feel like I was faking or trying to lie to anyone, I just thought I was learning how to grow in certain areas and ways.
When you asked that question I immediately thought, “Everything.” The point that I’m at now is that I can no longer afford to mask. My nervous system being in a state of over-activation for so long has taken a big physical toll and I refuse to keep going down that road. I make so much less eye contact now, I wear earplugs, I bring my guitar to poker night so I can go hide if I need to, I tell people that I can’t switch tables during said poker night, I’ve stopped feeling like I need to be social when I don’t feel like it, and overall, I’M TAKING MY INNER WORLD BACK AND IT FEELS GREAT.
6:15 yes! This basically describes me. A few years I was struggling so much, I reached a point where I couldn’t really keep going. I was depressed and in a state of constant burnout. Eventually I realized I am on the spectrum and am still seeking an official diagnosis. I feel like a lot of undiagnosed adults live their lives until there is just too much demand and things just aren’t working out for them because their autistic. They reach the point where they just can’t keep going on the same way.
You expressed everything I’ve been through including the desire for a late diagnosis and how relieved I’d feel to finally know . Especially encouraged by you pointing out how very difficult life gets as you get older and how exhausting it is just to get through the day. Thank you for validating everything I’ve felt my whole life!
I recently got dual diagnosis and in the process of unmasking. Is it common for late diagnosed ADHD/ASD adults that I’m exhibiting more and more stims and weird 😆(to others) movements ? Also, I feel like my autistic traits came out on the surface more after I started taking ADHD meds. I even masked stims/fidgeting when I was young. i hid everything inside of me other than special interests and social anxiety. After I started working after finishing univ, gradually I realized I was having auditory processing problem,OCD, Rigit thinking, many burnouts, meltdowns, continued or worsen anxiety and depression. Loss of sense of self and feelings is really hitting me right now. im 40 F, stimming and fidgeting like crazy. It’s been a long process..!
Got diagnosed at 22 but because the first “expert” told me I couldn’t be autistic because I could hold a “normal conversation” and look at her, my parents refuse to believe my current diagnosis. Plus, if I say something is influenced by my autism or adhd, they say I’m “hiding behind my diagnosis” instead of growing from my “limitations” :))))))))))))
I’m waiting to be seen for assessment. I’m so afraid that they’ll tick me off as ‘not autistic’ but the more articles on the topic I watch, the more articles I read… I’m ticking so many boxes and the whole “feeling fake” thing is very much ME as a kid and up until now. I do tend to act ‘myself’ more than I feel some do because I learned early enough that it made me happier, but I do still feel like I repeat phrases, do things that I’ve seen others do and have been accepted for. x.x
I was officially diagnosed this year, aged 57. I “knew” I was autistic so I didn’t think it would affect me very much but the weeks following my diagnosis were a hugely emotional period for me. First was relief; I was right and am just different. Then came depression. I was very very sad for the child me that never received the support or understanding that they needed.
Ear plugs changed my life at work, especially working in a kindergarten room. It’s like being sentenced to hell for someone like me! Haha. Do you think my workplace would accommodate me and put me in a grade with older, quieter kids because of my autism? I’m high functioning so they probably look at me and say, give me a break suck it up…like many other challenges in my life that were never take seriously.
I never got married or had children, but I remember feeling great deal of overwhelm and imposter syndrome during my single half semester of college and my time in the Navy. I had a fairly easy time in school academically b/c I test well, but homework was rarely done on time if at all and papers/projects were often left to the last minute and/or turned in late. I was admittedly socially awkward for lack of a better description and never felt like I fit in or connect effectively with my peers (still don’t). I never considered ADHD or autism until I had to become a caregiver for my mother when she developed dementia. The stress and demands of her care have been debilitating for me…the demands exceed my capacity. Looking back on my life, I was always told that I was intelligent, but never worked to my potential or that my difficulty dealing with life was due to depression. Researching ADHD and autism and hearing the stories of the experiences of you and other content creators has helped me realize that I might not be neurotypical and I should seek a diagnosis. I appreciate you being so open about your experiences and devoting so much time and energy to helping others understand themselves better. Your sweater looks so beautiful and cozy, I would never have known it was a robe rather than a cardigan if you hadn’t mentioned it.
I just realized yesterday that I believe I am…I’m 39. I was ready to end it all for awhile, fortunately, I had a spiritual experience that changed that. However, I was still just tolerating life waiting for it to be over…for the first time maybe ever, I feel like I can really live now. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this hopeful although I’m worried what family and friends will think.
I’m 47 and a diagnosed autistic friend got us all to take a bunch of autism tests, just for fun. And i tested way high, which came as a shock. Another friend, diagnosed ADHD and a mental health APRN, informally diagnosed me as ADHD about a decade or so back, but when I broached the topic with my mother, who I suspected of also being neurodivergent, i got shot down. HARD. “Everyone is like that. That’s not ADHD, or if it is, everyone has ADHD. You’re normal and always have been.” And even then, i wanted to say, no, Mom; not everyone. But me. And also you.” But she didn’t want to hear it, so i dropped it. And my insurance didn’t want to cover diagnosis or treatment of it. So I stopped pursuing it. And auDHD never even crossed my mind. My Mom died in 2019. My Dad and also my best friend and designated safe human both died in 2022. The entire structure of my life is gone, and I am struggling in a way that seemed to be completely foreign to everyone around me. Whoever’s left, anyway. And all the research I’ve done in the past couple of weeks, about auDHD, has been a revelation. My lifelong struggles with time management, and organization, and food, and interaction. My intense hobbies where I have to buy ALL THE CRAFT SUPPLIES for a thing and can’t stop talking about it but then can never actually START it, or if I do, and I’m not immediately brilliant at it, I drop it like a stone because I’m clearly never going to be good enough so why continue. Fighting every single time someine tells me I have to do something INCLUDING when it’s ME telling me to do something.
My friend suggested Autism in heels… I had been saying for years I thought I was based on observation and research. I took tests last few years that said I was… then that book! I’m feeling confirmation. From There I have gone down a rabbit hole… I feel like knowing this. Now self diagnosed, Is permission to unmask and be me…. Really me!!!! I feel like knowing this… gave me the missing link and explanation for so many things in my life. It was a huge ah ha moment for me!!! I’m interested in getting an official evaluation.
My 11 year old has Aspergers and is so high functioning that we were unable to get a diagnosis when it was first flagged at 4. We are in the process now of seeking a diagnosis at her request. In researching her I came across an article “10 traits of girls and women with Aspergers” and I cried throughout the whole article because it explained my WHOLE life. It was such a relief to have that understanding of myself. So I self-diagnosed at 50. Nearly 57 now and whereas I used to berate myself for not being able to do simple tasks that other people just got on with. Now I just give myself a little squeeze in those moments and just think “it’s ok Jayniebm, that just makes your autistic brain freak out and that’s ok”. I’ve recently found your website. Absolutely love you and this article is BRILLIANT. Actually I have enjoyed and appreciated every article of yours that I have watched. This one particularly….every word resonates. Thank you so much for showing up and sharing. Amazing. 🙏🏻♥️✨🥰🌈😘
I would like to get an official diagnosis but finding thta it is extremely costly and difficult to find professionals who are qualified. Any advice on this? Where could I get an official assesment with Medicaid, or free? I took several tests on the internet and I am pretty sure I am autistic-on the spectrum. I am 62 and my life is a failure despite being highly intelligent and talented in a specific field. I have done 40 yrs of research and therapy and other spiritual methods and nothing helped. I never really checked into what Autism is until recently, after meeting someone on the spectrum in my ACA group, who was willing to talk to me about it…
Getting formally diagnosed at 41 was not the life-changing event for me that it seems to have been for a lot of other people. I had done a lot of research on the subject and talked about it with a lot of people I knew over the course of about six months. I only sought a formal diagnosis after I was pretty confident about my self-diagnosis. I was glad to finally understand why so many things about me where the way they were, but it didn’t really change the way I saw myself. I suppose part of it was that I had long since stopped trying to fit in. The only masking I’ve been able to identify that I do frequently is being tactful and calculating rather than bluntly shooting from the hip. The tact mask still slips sometimes, mostly on the internet. Many of the tips and workarounds suggested in YT articles were things I had already figured out over time on my own. Knowing I have autism didn’t cause me to lower my expectations for myself. Why would it? My longtime motto is literally “Failure to reach expectations is not a reason to lower them.” Sure, autism isn’t all bad. However, all the positive aspects of my autism, like memory and attention to detail, are basically double-edged swords, and I’d already figured out before I knew those swords were forged by autism.
What you said about someone being more gentle with themselves, stopping blaming myself for being so pathetic and letting that energy flow into a different box was 100% how its affecting me. I’m 54 years old and only self diagnosed for the last year, trying to get more evidence I was curious about what my childhood was like from my families perspective. I opened the conversation with ‘I was getting utube feeds about autism and eventually watched one, with that OMG moment’, my brother (8 years older) laughed (as in your stupid getting sucked into that utube BS) and said so wheres your ‘superpower’ then?’ I mentioned my artwork and he nodded in agreement. The conversation went no further but at least I put the thought in their heads, maybe they will say more one day. So very glad your making such content, thanks.
Try figuring it out at 60 . . . yeah. . . fun. I thought it was ALL ADHD but seems not. My brain is just not wired like so many around me. This comes on top of also realizing I do not have a mind’s eye (which actually probably has been a good thing – not visualizing the stuff I can think up . . . well . . . as I said, good). I have also realized I was masking pretty much around all but 3 people in my world — my adult child, my sister, and my best friend. I told my spouse that I was not going to mask around him anymore . . . how’s that going. Well, my resting witch face continues to be interpreted as “angry” — hopefully, he will start to believe me when I say – no not angry, just not masking. Sigh. thanks for your content . . .
Diagnosed at 58, last year. All this but also losing friends or friends expecting me to be the same as ever, saying Im so strong or whatever, not understanding the exhaustion, especially with no support system. On top of the state of the country/ world now, the haves n have nots. My mental health has become way worse becoming a have not.
My family denied I was autistic my entire life. They always said that’s not me, I’m better than that, etc and used derogatory terms to describe autistic people. After the military at age 25 I started seeking out help and a diagnosis. Almost all of my doctors told me having a diagnosis doesn’t matter, that it won’t change anything. It does, a diagnosis means you are legally believed about your condition. It means I can explain what’s going on and not feel like a fraud. I can figure out how to live. It’s like telling a fish it has to learn to live underwater using the instructions of a land animal. The VA still refuses to get me someone who is accustomed to working with autism, because to them autistic vets don’t exist.
Im not yet diagnosed but my most giveaway is my son who’s autistic. When i learn abt this more and more, suddenly my life seems clear. 36 now, yet i feel like falling apart instead of forgiving myself for the awful things that happened. And im afraid the people around me wouldnt accept as i’ve been “fine” when actually ive always felt like a clown throughout the years. Its a challenge to connect with people, a challenge to communicate and most of all ive always failed in interviews til i get traumatised. Im fortunate to be supported financially, but this too might not last.
Want to be seen as Wow! and not Weird?? It helps in interactions l find, to use “high status self descriptors” as in “l’m *artistic,” a “poet”, a “trouble shooter” or whatever, so they put you in a positive category of your own. Still different, but no threat, (or different but now there’s even the potential of “reflected glory” because you’re “a creative”) As, imo, neurotypicals like to herd, and/or be herded, interpersonal difference increases their cognitive load, and they prefer the everyday consensual trance, that they have been particularly socialised for tbf. So proactively forestall getting a label, that’s low status different. ( As in Weird etc) I have a neighbour who leans over the fence and blurts “What are you doing?” or “Why are you doing it that way?” or “Why did you do that?” I privately label that, “neurotypical entitlement”, she is so over socialised by childhood trauma, she avidly follows every trend at great expense and inconvenience, but never “breaks rank”, by contrast a friend might happen by, and say, wow how did you come up with that? That’s amazing, show me how you do that.😂 (My neighbour mislabels me as “posh”, so l don’t have to wear a mask or a or a personal descriptor with her as she’s happy with her decision) 😂 *Artist is such a great vague self descriptor, because it cover so many categories including musical, and ALL kind of crafts, poet can be any old blank verse, etc etc 😂 The counterintuitive, massive relief is, they stop trying to “understand you”, and you become their eccentric “pet outsider” they will now defend as one of us (but not)😉 Counterintuitive for the win.
My breakdown started around covid then 5 years later I have a new life. I have started my own website. I am doing contact Improvisation dance regularly. Recording and releasing music. As soon as I knew what the “issue” was and the masking started to fall away everything started to change for the better. Late diagnosed at 56. I finally know who I am and I do not have to spend every day dysregulated and highly stressed. yah!!!!
I relate sooo much to your duck analogy! I know this is a sensitive topic but even I as a high masking autistic probably wouldn’t be able to guess you’re autistic just by perusal your articles because you look so “normal” and are probably masking significantly whether you’re consciously doing it or not. However, I know how hurtful it can be when someone says that you don’t “look” autistic because it feels so invalidating of all the internal daily struggles you go through, but I also get where they are coming from because you’ve also mastered the art of masking in order to make yourself not “look” autistic in an effort to be accepted. Really appreciate this article
I can relate SO MUCH with the lady who’s comment you read! I am 55 and I am just now realizing why I’m the person I really am on the inside. I am also feeling relieved to finally understand myself and be gentle and compassionate with myself. I’ve spent too much time feeling like a failure and overwhelmed with guilt.
Wow ❤ I am as yet undiagnosed… but I highly believe that all of these symptoms are me. Recently my son was diagnosed with Autism &Add and whilst we were doing his assessment my husband looked at me, and said- this is you. I can’t believe I hadn’t connected it as I was so focused on my son. I’m in the process of being diagnosed, and after seeing this understand that I need to know -thank you.
Several years ago, in my previous job boss just mentioned – Aren´t you autistic? And me no way. Are you kidding? Few years later I read the book from Zoe Kessler, Queen of the Chaos, OMG I have ADD, all these troubles… Then I met a friend from the hi-school and he told me, you are like my daugter. She was diagnosed with Asperger…The more I read about both ADD and ASD the more I found myself in it. When I talk to my closest friend, husband nobody believe me… They don´t understand the difference, since they are the neurotypical …
I love this article. I have had Silly Putty in my hands for 22 years, and if I discovered it earlier I would have had it earlier. I have blobs all over the place and never loose track of it. I’m 58, have an ADHD diagnosis, but only recently figured out that I’m most probably on the spectrum. I am definitely pursuing an official diagnosis. I’m so tired of when asking for what I know I need, I’m labeled as a rebel or difficult, I will happily wave that peace of paper around. I’m absolutely feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Re-thinking my entire life. It is exhausting but also liberating.
The main thing that’s got me convinced is I told some of my close friends that I’d had a test for it and they said “oh so that’s what’s wrong with you? We always knew there was something but we love you anyway bro” Like it was nice as hell that they don’t care but it just felt really shit because of the “what’s wrong with you” part… its just hard to accept if that makes sense?
I don’t like labels. I am autistic. Still working on giving myself grace. My self diagnosis journey is helping me to better care for my autistic kids, and also to explain things to my allistic family and friends. Wish I could get a professional diagnosis, but it’s not critical. I research everything, and keep or toss out what works for my family . BTW old enough to be a grandma. And thanking God that my grandma was so comfortable being odd that she encouraged me.
As a person who strongly suspects having autism after a life of feeling like such an outsider and being treated as such and not knowing why, it makes me so angry how often I’ve tried to get tested as an adult to see if it’s true or not and being told “we don’t do that here” (at 3 different behavioral health clinics, and my regular doctor’s) and even having a therapist try to tell me I just seem to use big words to sound smarter than the people I’m talking to when I actually choose the big words for the precision of their meaning so I can communicate more clearly cause it never seems like explaining anything with or without them makes sense to anyone but me and I still feel like an outsider and don’t know what I’m doing wrong. All I want is to check and see if I can rule it out or confirm and everything falls into place, but nobody seems to think that I fit the bill enough to even try checking when they only see me maybe one hour of time out of every few months of my life. They don’t live in my body so they don’t know the things I’ve seen, heard, or had as treatment from my peers despite my efforts to describe it and they just throw it under my anxiety diagnosis as part of that and nothing more. I just don’t know how to get tested because literally anytime I’ve asked I was just told “we don’t do that here”. I need to know if I’m actually autistic or not so I know the things I was so often bullied for are things I can understand as not being my fault after all, and maybe I can forgive myself and the people who mistreated me for those things.
I had my first psychology meeting this week and the man made some tests with me and on every single one I landed really close on the average quota of autistic people. We don’t have a diagnosis so far, but I was now really confused on what that really means for me. Because it’s not a „treatable disease” or something I thought that it’s basically irrelevant if my demon has a name or not. But you made me understand that it’s the opposite. It feels like everything is changing now. And it already gives me a little relief because I was very hard on myself for the 30 years that I live and I was always depressed and sad that I couldn’t keep up with everybody else on so many occasions. So thanks for this article. Helped me a lot 🙂
I absolutely adore how you process language and offer such clear explanations! It’s like your conscious mind is in the tower of a panopticon scanning with the spotlight illuminating different doors, grabbing your information by moving your eyes. lol, at least that’s how I do it!!! Pay attention to how your eyes move! You are activating different part of your brain! Woahhhhhh!
I’ve been aware i’m different since i was a kid. I would be called a daydreamer or i was told i wasn’t applying my best efforts to my school work… Collage wasn’t much different for my first year, second year i done music production… but as soon as i figured out how to make electronic music on the computer, i dropped out and now im focused on learning modular synthesis and hardware electronic instruments at the age of 31, it is the core of my creativity. Me and my girlfriend have slowly unraveled why i am the way i am and the signs point to me having a spectrum disorder. I struggle to regulate my thoughts and I can’t seem to read my emotions and I will get confused often. Life in general can be very difficult and being around people takes a lot of energy. It can feel like i’m tripping up over myself all the time… I have seen a mental health practitioner and i suggested i may have a spectrum disorder and Im looking to get cognitive therapy to help me reasonably approach the thoughts and feelings i have with less self destructive tendencies which will hopefully lead to a diagnosis. Me and my girlfriend are very certain i’m autistic but i always question myself all the time and have major imposter syndrome often. She will help me break my thoughts and feelings down and find route causes for my overwhelming tendencies which has taught me so much in the past 5 years about myself. But all in all, to have a diagnosis will help me understand myself and help me accept me for who i am.
I’m only just starting researching neurodivergency and how it might (or might not!) affect me personally, but there’s so many things you mentioned that resonate with me and are leading me to think I may be a high-masking individual. Lots more research to do methinks, including having subscribed to your website. Thank you for sharing your words.
I’m 21 and I was just diagnosed a few weeks ago. I first heard of the classic symptoms in middle school and immediately found them relatable. Every time I heard the word, all I could think was, “that’s me.” Nobody believed me when I told them, because as you said, what is seen on the surface is only the tip of the iceberg, or the duck gliding across the pond in complete serenity. I was convinced I was just a hypochondriac, and that made things so much worse. After just a few years out on my own, I had enough, opened up to close family members about everything, and was diagnosed within months. I finally gave myself the permission to believe this is a fact of life, and my quality of life has skyrocketed since. It really does feel like coming home, to “my people” as I love saying. Like everything in life just falls into place and suddenly makes sense. Simply being able to say out loud that “I’m autistic” has been a gamechanger. My generation is typically seen as hypochondriacs and wimps that want attention, but my coworkers, family members, and friends will be much more open to hearing my case through someone such as yourself. Thank you for your article, this means the world to me.
Hello and thank you for your great website, it helped me a lot. I found out at +40 that I’m on the spectrum. Now my inner compass is finally pointing north, but I also feel that a lot of other things are falling away that were somehow fake all these years. All of this has been most evident to me since I’ve been working from home for the past year. In normal everyday life, all of this didn’t really matter to me. At first I thought all these symptoms were imaginary, but now I’m slowly understanding myself and my surroundings. And that’s where I’m most afraid of communicating this with my environment… So thank you very much and keep going …