Co-parenting can be challenging and impractical for parents who are not living together. It is essential to take proactive steps when co-parenting becomes challenging and doesn’t work effectively. In situations where one parent has sole custody, co-parenting may be ineffective and impractical. Similarly, those who have gone through a high-conflict situation may find co-parenting difficult due to different styles of parenting or the ongoing hurt between parents.
Co-parenting works best in low-conflict situations and when parents have joint or 50/50 custody. When one parent resents the other, it can create a rift that makes co-parenting impossible. Resentful parents are less likely to compromise and can be less likely to compromise. If conflict plagues co-parenting attempts, consider adopting a different method of communication, such as parallel parenting.
One good reason for co-parenting might not work is if one parent is incarcerated. If this is the case, it may be impossible to co-parent because one parent is unavailable to parent. To overcome this, it is recommended to go 90 no contact, only communicate with the other parent about the children when necessary, and only communicate over the phone.
Co-parenting can be challenging and may feel guilt or shame at times. It is important to learn how to co-parent effectively after separation or divorce, with empathy, patience, and open communication.
📹 Co-Parenting with a Difficult Personality – Mistakes People Make!
Mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove **** PROGRAMS ***** Self-Parenting Course …
What is the silent treatment in co-parenting?
Silent treatment is a common passive-aggressive behavior that can damage the long-term health of a co-parenting relationship. It involves refusing to engage in open dialogue about issues, which can be immature and detrimental to the family. Positive co-parenting requires open discussions about children, and if either parent shuts down tough discussions, the entire family is left in limbo, with children bearing the consequences. To counteract passive-aggressive behavior, identify when it may be occurring and implement positive strategies to address it.
What ages is parenting hardest?
A recent study indicates that parenting is most challenging at age 8, with ages 6 and 7 following closely behind. Furthermore, the pre-tween phase may also present significant challenges.
What does bad co-parenting look like?
Bad co-parenting often arises from lingering feelings of resentment, anger, and betrayal, as well as competition between parties. In Texas, co-parenting does not have to rely on legal custody agreements, but can be better if co-parents can work out what’s best for their child and create a specialized plan for each family.
Co-parenting dysfunction is common in divorce or separation cases, but most can be remedied relatively easily. Maintaining a good co-parenting relationship requires work, commitment, and communication, which should be an area of concerted effort for co-parents. Negative feelings, such as distrust, anger, or resentment, can dominate or disrupt the co-parenting relationship, often stemming from residual feelings of betrayal from the dissolution of the marriage or romantic relationship.
In summary, bad co-parenting often occurs when negative feelings dominate or disrupt the co-parenting relationship, leading to a lack of focus on the child’s wellbeing. In Texas, co-parents can work together to create a specialized plan for their child’s best interests.
Does co-parenting with a narcissist ever get better?
If your parenting partner is a narcissist, it’s likely they won’t change. To co-parent, set clear boundaries and avoid crossing them. Create a parenting plan outlining how to handle children, after-school activities, holidays, and discipline. Agree on communication frequency and writing it down. Limit communication to avoid over-communication and allow time for a breath before responding. Cat Blake, a child and family therapist, advises accepting the reality of co-parenting with someone you might not like. It’s essential to be patient and understanding, as narcissists thrive on control.
What is inappropriate co-parenting?
Inappropriate co-parenting occurs when parents experience conflict and resentment, making it difficult to make decisions, schedule changes, or address major parenting issues. During divorce or separation, parents often establish the tone of their co-parenting relationship. A parenting plan is crucial during this time, outlining major decisions such as where the children will live, how visitation will be planned, and how decisions for the children will be made. These decisions can significantly impact both the parents’ lives and the children’s lives for years to come.
What happens when you can’t co-parent?
Co-parenting can be challenging for parents, as it requires working together to make decisions for their children. When disagreements arise, it may be necessary to establish a formal parenting plan or modify the existing one. This can be done through court or agreement between the parties. Attorneys and other professionals can assist in establishing this plan. Good co-parenting requires hard work and compromise.
Changes in co-parenting relationships can be influenced by new relationships, children, jobs, living situations, and the child’s changing needs. Fear-based changes can lead to uncooperative behavior, causing the other parent to act out or be difficult. This snowball effect can destroy the co-parenting relationship and take time to rebuild trust. A new parenting plan can help re-establish boundaries and expectations, ultimately improving the co-parenting relationship.
How to deal with difficult co-parenting?
Dealing with a high-conflict co-parent can be mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially draining. To manage the relationship, it is essential to accept that you cannot change your co-parent and that change must come from within. Reframe the problem from “my ex is Evil Incarnate” to “I don’t know how to deal with my co-parent and it’s making me crazy”.
Set boundaries to prevent high-conflict personalities from dominating your interactions. Avoid responding emotionally and immediately to their intensity, especially if you’re upset. Wait until you cool down and limit your ex’s access to your home life. Do not defend yourself or try to persuade your ex of the error of their parenting ways. If your ex is being dodgy with child support or playing games with parenting time, do not deal with him directly; notify your attorney and let them handle it.
In summary, dealing with a high-conflict co-parent can be mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially draining. By recognizing that change has to come from within, you can focus on managing your own reactions and choices.
What is gaslighting in co-parenting?
Gaslighting is a common behavior in co-parenting, where the intention is to manipulate the other parent into thinking they have done something wrong. This behavior is not common among normal co-parents and may indicate a narcissist. Consistently undermining the parent’s efforts as a parent can also be an indicator of a narcissist. They may insist that the child’s behavioral or school issues are a result of their parenting and blame the parent. Common indicators include these behaviors.
How do you deal with a toxic co-parent?
To deal with a toxic co-parent, it is essential to establish healthy boundaries, communicate effectively and strategically, avoid being reactive, let go of what you cannot control, and take time to care for yourself. This will not only help you in the long run but also positively impact your children.
Establish healthy boundaries by only talking about the kids and not engaging in personal conversations with your ex. Focus on your children and their well-being, as a toxic co-parent may use any information to leverage against you. It is crucial to maintain a level-head and avoid engaging in personal conversations with your ex.
Remember to take time to care for yourself and seek support from a San Antonio Child Custody Attorney to help you navigate the aftermath of a divorce.
Does co-parenting ever get easier?
Co-parenting can be a challenging journey, especially in the early stages of separation or divorce. However, with time, effort, and effective communication, it can become easier and more successful. As a family lawyer in Etobicoke, I offer empathy and advice to help parents navigate this difficult journey.
6 tips for successful co-parenting include prioritizing open and respectful communication between parents, creating a detailed parenting plan, and ensuring both parents are involved in the process. Open communication is crucial for discussing important matters like education, healthcare, and emotional well-being. Utilizing various methods like in-person conversations, phone calls, emails, or parenting apps can help stay connected and ensure both parents are well-informed about their children’s needs and activities.
In conclusion, co-parenting can be a challenging journey, but with time, effort, and a commitment to effective communication, it can become easier and more successful.
What is a manipulative co-parent?
Emotional manipulation, a form of parenting, can involve a variety of tactics, including publicly shaming another parent, encouraging children to send messages or requests to the other parent, or providing false information to children in order to portray the other parent in a negative light.
📹 Coparenting With A Narcissist Is Impossible
The job of parenting becomes a million times more difficult when you’re co-parenting with someone that has a narcissistic …
Probably the worse part of the gaslighting is when the narcissist manipulates you into thinking you are the narcissist and they are the victim. You start to believe it especially when there is that little bit of truth mixed in with lots of lies. I think you mentioned in another article where the person being victimized can act out like the narcissistic partner. This was absolutely nuclear and caused me to question my sanity and I was obsessed asking myself “what if I am the narcissist?”
100% accurate! My nex has explicitly said to me that we will “not co-parent”. She wants total control of the situation. I ignore her now, but I reacted in the past. Big mistake. But in the end, I am happy to have be free from her abuse. 20 years of a failed marriage with 3 gorgeous children, a brand new big house just built 2 years ago, good jobs and comfort. But, nothing is enough for these vile creatures. So, I now live in a rented apartment, in a minimalistic life style, and my children enjoy visiting me. Our divorce was on June 2nd. One day after Narc Abuse Awareness day on June 1st. And I have just subscribed to your website. I follow quite a few websites for about 3 years now. And I have found out about less than a week ago. You’re absolutely amazingly accurate. Thank you very much.
I had late stage colon cancer and had just finished six months of chemo when she left and took every penny of saving and took the kids, yet the gas lighting was SO INTENSE AND COMPLETE over all the years, I blamed myself! I begged for forgiveness and for her to come back (even though I’d don’t nothing wrong except get sick and not be able to work).
How I wish I had seen this article when my then love of my life took our baby daughter, our beloved cat, and everything that we had built together, and left me with nothing but blame, hatred, guilt, debt, and deep, existential confusion. I later understood that I had inadvertently fallen in an idealize/devalue/discard relationship with a female covert narcissist, everything made sense, and I started working on my own issues (my own codependent traits and need for external validation) that made me a good prey for such behaviors, but for years nothing made absolutely any sense. Funnily enough, I had organically developed all the behaviors mentioned in your article, from the goofy name to separate myself from her judgements, crazy interpretations, and goalpost movings, to giving her no attention or sign of emotion, and most importantly, understanding that she’s just a puppet of her ego and I should avoid any kinds of personalization, guilt, projection, or blame. It led me to discover stoicism, and spirituality, and 7 years later I can say that what I am now is a stronger and more grounded version of what I was then, and I have, primarily, learned that there’s no such a thing as guilt, or personal doership, and that life never puts an unsurmountable problem before us: just obstacles that help us know and develop ourselves. I wish that this gives hope to anyone going through a similar cycle to mine: it gets better. And you’ll be better, thanks to what you’re going through. If you need a pointer, search for Alain de Botton, Alan Watts, and Aaron Abke (particularly the mindscience playlist).
As they yell at you to tell you how worthless you are, what you do is ask them not to do such things in the children’s presence, because you are trying to protect the children. They respond by blaming you for using the children as pawns! I’m not making this up! This is what they do! Disengage as thoroughly as possible!
This is great advice. You can’t reason with them. Pull back, don’t give them anything to use against you. Assume the worst in every interaction. I eventually got full custody. So when the $$ disappeared, so did she. Hasn’t spoken to the kids in over 12 yrs. Gave all the kids therapy. They are mostly well adjusted adults now, but it took a lot of work and a new partner who was willing to help.
Will have my divorce finalized with the narc by end of August. She only has to complete court mandated parenting course by Aug 30. I appreciate the advice very much. Hard to give up my child but she’ll be 18 in 16 months and divorce agreement allows her to live with me at any point without court intervention. My attorney did an excellent job with an agreement with a narc. Attoreney knew more than I did about her. Mutual no contact order in the divorce and all communication about our child goes through talking parents app and is recorded. I will follow all this advice.
Thankyou Lise, and especially also for not assuming that the narcissist is the man/father – as so many others do! I am sure the ratio is 50/50 % between men/women. I have a baby daughter with a covert narcissist (the mother). I recognise everything you say here. There is no co-parenting, just separate parenting, and it is absolutely necessary to get the court involved. No other way. The covert narcissist is pure evil. She has no empathy and she uses our daughter as an instrument. It is horrible! But I will do everything to protect my daughter. Thanks for your articles!
This article is so true. My ex-narc has caused 2 CPS cases against me, a social worker case at my daughter’s doctors office, to the tax board for tax fraud and has written many letters to my daughter’s doctor for anything she can to get me in trouble. I’m just lucky that nothing ever sticks due to it being a false claim. websites like this have really helped me through this horrible co-parent experience
OMG, wish I could have talked to you 15 years ago. All the things you are saying to do, it took so much time for me to get there, but I eventually did all the things you are suggesting. To anyone who is in this situation, what this person is saying works, trust me. Do not show the x any emotional responses. I use to get really triggered and type out all the crazy things I wanted to say, then print them out and put them in a folder. When enough time had passed, and I felt like the initial emotional response had passed, I would take out the printed response, read it then trash it. It really helped me to move on and teach self control when it came to emotion with this person.
First off, I truly appreciate the support and information as grim as it is. I’m currently living in a Rv on our property to have my parenting time or in the attic in the house. It’s not safe in the house around her due to the constant gaslighting, the induced conversations, belittling, minimizing, invalidating, bashing. This has got to be the most horrific experience I’ve ever gone through. I have three children two older and one that’s two we share. The two older children will not come over anymore due to her rage. So I make time outside the house to parent. I have no choice with my youngest. I have her blocked and only go through email. The more I set boundaries the more extreme she gets. Thank you for making the choice to support men. This is a real issue that needs more attention. Your truly appreciated.
I can TOTALLY relate to this! My son’s mom, her mom, her sisters and her grandma are SUPREME NARCISSISTS! Anytime my son is around his Grandma from his mom’s side, his Grandma ALWAYS has a negative comment to say about me to my son, like “your dad is an idiot and he’s slow”, “he doesnt know how to drive”, “he has no job”, etc. I can care less what they say to me amongst her family, but amongst my son, OH HELL NAH! I know they’re purposely trying to paint me as a lazy, jobless, no income person which is all lies. I don’t give them access to my success. I keep my personal life private from them because I know they’ll try to take anything and everything from me. Thank god my son is not vacuous and understands why they say bad things about me and try to undermind me and belittle me. Thankfully my son defends me. I unconditionally love my son. Whats funny is my son’s mom had another kid with her current “husband” and she cheated on him with a co worker from her job. My son’s mom has seen i few glimpse of my progress and success in life and she’s been trying to give me those I want your attention and affection” gaze, but i dont even look at her at all. I don’t respect, as the kids say nowadays, 304s. She and her family can go to hell.
I married and had kids with two narcissists. It’s extremely difficult. My kids with my first wife are 21 and 18. Unfortunately my 18 year old has chosen to move in with her mom because she let’s her do whatever she chooses. My firstborn and youngest is currently living with me and sees what’s going on. Having said that I never demean their other parents but I do the best I can to support them. emotionally. It really is a balancing act because the other parents do everything they can to keep them with them but ultimately end up showing their true colors.
You are absolutely right, unfortunately. I strongly suggest to ONLY communicate via a parenting platform, like Talking Parents. All communication is definite, unchangeable and can be used in court as is. You can find any subject in the complete PDF file when searching for a word. It saves so much time and energy! They may even watch their words, but in my case, he doesn’t, which is perfect to show the constant personal attacks, inconsistency and what not. Only respond to children’s logistics, all else “crickets”. Disengage from the personal stuff, discuss children only. My ex is actually retreating more and more, canceling timesharing, because he can’t get to me. And our children are becoming more and more aware of his toxic behavior, not wanting to see him anymore. I wish everyone who is dealing with this strength and wisdom. Your tips on this article are priceless, very on point and helpful.
My God! You are so accurate. I’m sure everybody is perusal your article, thinking: this is exactly it! THANK YOU. It is actually a relief to see that their paterns/modus operandis are basically kind of universal in the narcissists’world. And we, the prey, the victims, whatever we call us, are not crazy (but they may made us become crazy). THANK YOU VERY MUCH
I wish I had watched this article 20 years ago when I was struggling alone with my narcissist partner. I didn’t know at that time that my partner was dysfunctional and had npd behavior. She had made me believe that I was THE bad guy and I couldn’t even figure out that SHE was the abuser. Since then I have struggled a lot with my “coparenting” experience, luckily enough for me we split up quite early after we had our daughter and have lived in different countries since then. The physical distance between us saved my life and my soul, although we still had to tackle with a lot of issues and I still had to engage in the relationship as the father of my daughter. I tried to provide to my daughter the safest environment I could, I realize only since 2 years that I was at that time completely unaware that she was living with a toxic mother. May be that was better for my mental health, I would have felt so guilty had I known what was most likely happening to my daughter in her relationship with her mother. That was meant to be. I learnt alone to deal with such a character and I would resume in : don’t react, don’t engage emotionally. As you said: (learn to) behave as a robot. I felt so often overwhelmed by this extreme experience, but I feel now grateful as it has built my character and lead me to find a deep inner connection within myself, which I was hugely lacking of when I was younger. That’s what the narcissist points out to. Now my daughter is 17, I haven’t seen her since one and half years, she’s had been convinced by her mother that I am an unworthy and full of flaws father.
This is my favorite article so far that I’ve found on YouTube, because you are extremely informative and giving us tools that are needed to keep this as peaceful as possible. Every interaction with them is like disarming a bomb. You have to be very precise. I swear this should be considered hazard pay 😂. What I like about this article as well is It’s also genderless and not directed at “getting back” at them. I don’t want to “get back or get even” with them. It took me awhile to realize they are mentally sick. So, I’m going to need to be Consistent and clear headed for my kids. I unfortunately have two kids with my ex so I just want to learn how to deal with them without losing my mind. Thank you so much. I will be sharing this article with some of my close family. Much love❤
I’ve been bullied for years . And it’s been sooo difficult to stay quiet. But as time goes on, I’m able to see that arguing back gets me nowhere ! Then I’m left feeling drained all over someone that seems to have no true feelings or compassion. The hardest thing to do is to stay quiet ! Easier said than done . it’s soo worth it tho ! I’m working on it . 😅🤐
Ms. Leblanc, thank you so much for this article. This is spot on. You’re not being pessimistic, you’re being honest. It is absolutely true. It’s as if you had been following my divorce case. I only wish I had known this back in 2017. The divorce case is still open. She is doing NOTHING that the court has required. My son was old enough to move back in with her in 2020, unfortunately. My daughter has been with me since March of 2017 full time. She is 15 now and a very well behaved, good person. I am remarried and happy and my ex-wife is still absolutely obsessed with trying to ruin my life. I was writing everything down in a calendar during the heat of the divorce and in one day, during work hours, she text me 165 times, in one day.
Yes this article is especially helpful for men going through situations like this. When you are in it, it so bad you have no idea who you are or what even is going on. At some level you understand all of this but because you have been belittled and denied so much this information needs to be heard by patient and loving people like you. Thank you. And guys, once you go through this though, you can gain the power of discernment and you no longer need to be effected by the covert narcissist’s manipulation tactics, or take the bait.
It’s a relief to hear all this. You’re describing the approach I’ve come to organically over the last 3 years but so many of my friends can’t understand why I’m not being more aggressive with my kids dad. I wish that I was able to encourage him to be reasonable and co-parent responsibly, with our boys at the centre of everything, but it’s never gonna happen. Best I can do is nurture a safe, engaging, healthy space for them in my home.
My wife bullied me for months,than she kicked me out of the house. Before that she cleaned our saving account, and called the cops on me. Was not enough, she also contacted my job and wanted to destroy my image. Now I’m 43 and i had to go back to my mom’s house. The only reason that I have still energy are my kids.
If you are here, thank God you made it this far. I spent years thinking my natural faults were all our problems. Then I started to feel like the umbrella. Like why am I catching it all? Almost 20 years later, I learned to better myself and noticed the person I parent with isn’t. Then the therapy and self help started by myself. Now I know I’m dealing with a person who never had good intentions because it was never in her. My faults fed hers and as long as I didn’t better myself, she always had a reason to be mean spirited naturally. It validated her ill will. Now we co parent and I’m getting better at quietly playing my role without speaking as much because that’s where she disturbs the peace on purpose.
#5 😆😄 I love all your advice in this article,wish I had seen it years ago when I needed it.I had naturally applied them in my situation,by the time you got to 5,I couldn’t help but laugh because this was definitely a must for me,never called her that out loud,just made it her contact name. 😂 Again,tbh,these things were what I did naturally,like you stated,just for peace of mind,I didn’t care how she twisted the narrative (as she often did),and,like you stated,she always blew up at me even though her life was on better grounds,she had new relationship,kid,home,made more money,etc,while I was just trying to pick myself up with what little dignity I had left and carry on. This article really hit home,glad I watched it.
It’s so difficult dealing with a narcissist parent. My poor partner has to deal with one. She’s so cruel! She even tried to change the child’s surname at school to her husbands surname, took his information out of the school and is trying to alienate the child from us. This article really helps. Thank you.
Wow, this article hits close to home for so many co-parents out there. Coparenting can be a challenge on its own, but when you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can feel impossible. This article offers valuable insights on how to navigate the situation, with 10 practical tips for surviving parallel parenting. If you’re in this situation, I highly recommend checking it out.
thank you, soooooo much for that article. Your article is the story of my life since I got divorced, 11 years ago. It really is HELL. No one understood me, but I actually did exactly as you say. Every one saw me as the bad guy, teachers, socialworkers, and so on. You just can not explain, the un-explainable to people. Fortunately, the strategi that you descripe, and that i have used, works. Still. To this day, I know, that I would not have believed any one with my story. In so many ways it explains why this problem is so difficoult to resolve. Its not that people dont listen or trries to understand. They simply can not understand.
This is so true thank you for sharing this, my x has used our child against me and abused and played the court so much and got away with a-z, to the point I had to manage my sanity over fight with her over and over, sad but true the courts did Not care what she did period. I feel for my child and there was no way around her control issues. Im sad I gave up on her bs not my child. Im helpless.
Thank you so much for this article. I think you may have literally saved my life! My ex has completely alienated me from my child and is nearly verbatim from this article. I saw this article when I was at the end of my rope. I am still not over the loss of my child and still fighting deep trauma from this relationship, but you gave me a lifeline. Again thank you for this article.
Thanks Lisa. The minimal responses I had already started prior to seeing your article. I like the advice about a set time each day and me deciding when and not letting them use my energy bubbles. I know see the attempts at provoking me comments like “her children” not our children etc, I guess narcissistic supply attempts”. Are they all insecure at a deeper level of the mind my suspicion is it is a large ego externally underwritten by a massive insecurity subconsciously
All your advices match perfectly! Family courts should be instructed that co-parenting really is impossible with narcissists. I’d like to add one important point from my personal experience: Sincere real empathy! Narcissists don’t have it, but children urgently need it. It is essential! My ex overwhelmed our only son with extreme attention, superficial love and pretending to be a super-mum, but it couldn’t replace real empathy even when he was very young. It was for her but not for him – and he would feel it even at a very young age. The more she manipulated us and the more she finally attacked one of us, the more she unconsciously pushed him into my arms. Today, he lives with me and refuses any contact to her since being a teenager.
You’re the BEST thing has ever happen in my life! I have been living with a Narcissist wife for 17 years it has been a hell of life! Having two kids with her it has been a disaster.. thanks God they are on last of their teen years one is 18 and other 16, she seperated herself with my first borne but passby whenever she likes.. thanks now I know what I have been dealing with
I promised myself when I divorced I would never bad mouth my ex to his sons and while they were living with me I never did..I don’t know if he felt the same..I had physical custody and he had visitation ….the boys would come home with stories of their Dad that angered and horrified me..He called at 2 am one night and told me to come get your *+×&% kids !..( he lived 100 miles away in a different state..) They won’t listen to me!!! I explained to him how I got them to listen..DON’T SWEAR OR ORDER THEM..tell them what the consequence is and let them choose…then carry through..that way your showing respect and value for them and their decision…My middle son wanted to leave at 11:30 pm to meet a friend at the Cafe..I told him. Ok go.. but the house will be locked when you come back and you’ll sit on the porch all night until I leave for work…he looked at me for several minutes..then took his jacket off and went to bed..and NO..he didn’t sneak out…he understood the consequence.. my ex couldn’t comprehend and I’m sure the kids suffered… 30 years after the divorce I discovered my oldest son ..who chose to live and work for his Dad at 18.. has taken on his Dads narcissistic alcoholic personality and after his Dads death has transfered all his anger and resentment on to me and now despises me and refuses to speak to me or his younger brother…You can’t MAKE someone love you if they don’t and you can’t MAKE them stay if they won’t…he’s an adult and responsible for his own actions and life.
My situation. After six years of bliss she discarded me from the family home after I stood up to her, she’d found new supply and started an affair with a man who looks a LOT like my late father. She has the children 5 & 3y/o. I am going to fight for their custody. I learned the fourth man across her adult life that has had to do so. She has a habit of alienating her own family including her adult daughters. Two of her living exs, and the two adult daughters have rallied to my aid with statements and evidence. I know she’s smeared me a lot, I’ve seen her friends chat logs. Im praying I can get my little children.
My ex has done everything a narcissist mother and ex can possibly do yet she is still convinced that I am the problem and that I am narcissistic. 🤷♂ Now this could be my version against hers, but the thing is, the Court, the kids (and the kids’ laywers), experts opinion, child protective service…everyone is telling her she needs to stop behaving like she does. Her ex-boyfriend (and the laywer) even reached out to me to see the kids and apologized personally for siding with that horrible person. I keep feeling bad for my kids because they absolutely do not trust their mom and i cant imagine a world not trusting my mother.
This is genius. She is so right. The more you say or the more you give them the more sick and twisted things they spin. I tried the least amount of words the last interaction when he demanded I explain something to him. I wrote 8 words that stated the letter he forwarded was a generic letter. I didn’t receive anything back! Then he tried another engagement. I didn’t reply, it didn’t need on. But before that, when our son went into the hospital and needed emergency surgery, I tried opening communication again hoping that he could sanely co parent with me. He drew me back into crazytown and I was in a loop for 40 minutes when I saw my counselor. All the work I did was blackened by two interactions with him. I just can’t. I don’t have enough emotional bubbles to give him.
This article might be a life saver for right now….I am going through hell right now with my narcissistic ex…she is using the our child to punish me…not letting the kid visit his father at all despite his crying and my prayers to her….she is just trying to destroy our relationship… taking advantage of a corrupted judge that approved an illegal decision…. there’ s no visiting program for me ..even if the custody is together….as she is extremely jealous that our son prefers his father….Of course I sued her..and appealed against the decision ….and now we are waiting to see what is happening while I m trying my best to survive…
You have the same mask has the Narc has. You know how to make it, you know how to not care. You had the best teacher. Put it on just for them, don’t hate that shows you value them. Embrace indifference to save yourself, remember who you were before they broke you. Find where exactly where, you left you behind.
Sounds like the only way to win is “I can either have full custody or you can. Either works for me, I don’t care. Make your choice” At the end of the day… kids aren’t fun. Narcissists get bored easily. So go ahead, take them, have fun with that OR give them to me I know how that will turn out. Me with the kids.
I’m coming to terms that I might have to divorce my wife because she’s exactly script for script with all these articles. She even took my son back to her mother’s place whom taught her to be the way she is and I’m banned from seeing him. It breaks my heart that I was blinded until it was too late. Family lawyer is the route but I’m so in denial… Being an INFJ does suck sometimes
Hi,Lise,i really appreciate your great job! Your articles are of great help. I have a 5 y.o. son with a narcissist. My son is autistic. He doesn’t show any affection for our son. Left home 2 months ago and hasn’t come to see our boy. He is even willing to give me full custody, so I can move from this city. He just wants us out of his life. It’s so cruel.
After having watched a few of Lise Leblanc’s articles, i sorely wish I would’ve seen these years ago to identify what i was dealing with. Although this article seems more centered towards parents with main custody over the kids, i feel this happens even more when the person who lives with the children is the narcissist. The feeling of control and using of children for manipulative purposes is more common than not. I will continue to educate myself and one day hope to educate my kids on healthy relationships and noticing toxic and narcissistic behaviors. Very educational article!
Wauw just Wauw! The first minute in the article and I have to pause it to react. We’re divorced in 2015 with two children and yes you’re right about nothing to do about it. About seven years up the road now and it’s much calmer than the first couple of years after the divorce. I learned after two years too really cut the connection and choose for myself. I had to accept that the children must learn from it themselves and that’s hard but yeah can’t do nothing about it only listen and talk to them when they’re with me. My oldest daughter lives with me now she’s 15 almost 16 and the youngest lives with her and I see her every next weekend. It’s difficult and things still happens on the other side. She got another person in her life now number ……much and is playing him. So yes they are unchangeable. The children tell me that she’s also seeing another man oftentimes and it’s killing me that she still does does things as example for the children. It’s sad and I hope the children will learn how to have safety and security sometime. Sorry for my bad English, it’s not my foreign language but I do hope you understand it😅 17 minutes in the article,my heart is pounding and I’m thinking till now everything you’ve said happened and all the advice you give I had to figure out by myself and that was hard to do,because I keep getting the feeling of ripping myself apart,but on the other hand eventually I had to cut the ties. The pain and numbness was killing me,so little by little I began to recognize it and step by step I cut the rope.
Gosh 8 months ago wife left robbed me of my little girl. Manipulated me to go to counseling that she would join yet she never did. Instead she secretly filed for divorce and used my going to therapy as a reason for her to get full custody. I got 9 hours a week. Sadly the court gave her this power and made her more controlling. It’s like a nightmare and I have been a mess without my girl. I don’t understand how co parenting without communication can even happen.
Dang. I never thought my wife would do that. I had doubts that she was a narc. I decided to no longer engage with her. She knew that our daughter was my weakest point. And it’s her fuel. Her weapon. And it’s destructive for our daughter. Unfortunately I decided to walk away and no longer engage. She won’t coparent. She wants destruction. Nice tips. But I won’t engage in any way. As if she never existed. Now that we’re getting divorced her narc characteristics blew up and are definitely clear!
Good grief. Thanks so much for your perspective. I’ve watched so many of your articles and fighting denial … but I’ve felt this way for years. Taken advantage of. and belittled. Thankfully, my daughter (who is an ‘adult’ now) recognizes my positivity but my son is still a ‘kid’, and I’m caring for my mom with stage 6 dementia, away from ‘home’. ugh. but big thanks.
I wish I knew of you a couple of years ago. I’m healed, but would have healed quicker if I knew your words. I hate that I became a victim, my ego was wrong, it happened just the same. I’ll never be fooled again. Me in my house, alone, until the day I die. I’m content and excited about living in a world without her. Her attempts to poison my kids backfired, I was the heart of the family, she was just cold. I have their hearts, because they always had mine.
She will always present a problem in a story (that you would normally just solve) She will never ask directly. So when she hints at a problem….just acknowledege that it must be a challenge to work through. She will sigh and profess that it’s the worst thing ever and that if she could only get past this problem everythng else would just be so easy. Just wish her the best of luck and watch the problem vanish.
What ppl don’t talk enough about is when your kids start taking on their narc parents traits. My daughters a good kid but she shouts out demands at ppl and talks down to her friend, her grandparents and me as well, quite often. My daughter is now 8 yrs old and it is a constant struggle to teach her how to properly treat me and others and ask for things with kindness and respect. She can be very defiant and she gets worse the more stressed I get just like her father. I parallel parent as best I can. I have very strong boundaries with her dad but it’s like he’s still abusing me by proxy through my own child, it’s wild and makes single parenthood that much harder.
I really appreciate the content but 5-6 commercial breaks is a bit much in the span of a 20 minute article. I’ve had good luck listening to Dr. Ramani’s articles as well, and there’s 1/3 of the interruptions. Sending good vibes to anyone struggling with narcissistic abuse. This circumstance is undoubtedly the most difficult thing I’ve had to go through. I feared for many years that the smear campaigns would damage my child’s view of me. However, I made a rule for myself that in this, I was not willing to fight fire with fire. Now, I’m actually really grateful for how close of a relationship I’m able to have with my daughter because of the situation. In many ways, the narcassistic parent can actually drive their child into the arms of the other parent. That contrast is powerful over time. For those in that situation, don’t let the worry steal your joy. Just keep being a loving parent, and your child will know exactly who you are. Much love!
Im falling apart trying to make a relationship work and parent with someone who leaves me drained and makes me feel like I’m a horrible person when all i do is bend over backwards to support the emotional needs of my family. Meanwhile my emotional needs are never the subject of any conversation, unless its a conversation about how i need to take better care of myself so i can support them MORE. She doesn’t even want to see me comfort my child when the baby is having a tantrum. Im so lost.
My now ex has our 12 yr old to the point she wont listen or even talk to me! My ex told me im the reason my daughter has social mental issues. She always has a rebuttle whenever i try to be a good parent like telling my daughters friend no swearing. I told her im done keep all the material stuff. I can get it back, its my daughter who doesnt even want to spend time with me because of her im worried about. Im 41, im assuming she’ll be my only child so it hurts so much. Im now homeless starting at the bottom but honestly it was a relief telling her im done!
I love all your advice and for the first time feel that I really can take it in, as you have a very analytical and realistic approach. I have been struggling with two ex-wives with npd and have 3 boys with them. The last 7 years have been hell, but I feel I’m recoveringbas they can’t get under my skin as they used. It has been a learning experience I could have been withouth. The more I learn, the more I feel stronger. But it’s one hell of a ride. To all u guys struggling with these issues, you are not alone!! Find another victim who has been there a little longer than you, and reach out to that person so you can talk to somebody who will understand what you are experiencing.
truly happy to say I’ve done most of the things you should do with my ex. Although I won’t call her “goofy” or “Cruella”. That would probably be said in from of my daughter at some point. Still good to know I did it mostly OK. My only concern is that my 7 year old thinks mom is always correct on things that are a bit scary.
I lived a horrible last year of school with my youngest daughter, I knew my husband was actually enjoying the abuse I was enduring, I SAW IT ON HIS FACE! That time has passed and with my good reaction(Although my heart was breaking) my daughter has come around and we are close again! Now he has turned the attention to my middle daughter whom he has always been cruel too, she’s eating it up and at first I was blindsided, but I am sure that is what’s going on, and now I will not be triggered and wait for her heart to change, or mind. He’s the same, today as yesterday and is not going to change!
Once I learned what my ex was, preempting her behavior was much easier so I had more time to come up with strategies to deal with her. She backed off but every now and then it’s as though she tests me to see if time off from her behavior has made me drop my guard. It’s been 4 years now and she still does this. They are relentless.
Being a father with weekends only with my 2 kids I want to say this is very helpful. I want to be the one to raise them. So far my daughter spends her days on a tablet while she should be in pre school. My son also grows up in front of a TV. At my place we go out to playgrounds or endothelial wilderness. Recently we’ve been camping and fishing. I work 10-14 hour days and my weekends are dedicated to my kids. The ex claims she needs time to herself but she doesn’t work and collects welfare. I’m all for couples counseling but she says I’m the only one who needs help even tho I went to a therapy treatment for 90 days (native treatment) and the ex just said I was on a vacation. It was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I’m glad I finished the treatment.
Thank you for this article we need more content like this out there! There are so many men going through this dealing with a female narc who is the mother of your child or children! And going through a very biased court system who fails to recognize female narcissism, this process is a very difficult process for any man or a woman but I feel like in our society a female marks number one weapon is a man’s children! And they will fight tooth and nail to gain control of custody! To use our children as a weapon and a form of punishment this affects men in the thousands and children just as much! But in today’s society this is something we really don’t talk about and we really need to we got broken men and broken children in record numbers because of broken women
I survived her, although still have to pick and choose when to answer (respond). Mine is ultra-sick: she even tried to put me in jail a few times. Once because I asked about a car accident my eldest son told me about they were involved in the day before as their mom was drunk driving and hit a pole. I asked her if she took them to the ER to check on them. Instead, she filed a claim with the Police for harassment as I was under an OP not to text her. She actually locked me up and I had to fight Criminal Contempt costing me $20,000. Of course she withdrew the charges after her lawyers told her that the $ will be gone if I’m jailed. Another time, my present wife and I took the boys to the zoo and got stuck in traffic. We were 30 mins late to the drop off time in their house. Their grandma called us and we told her we’re running late. Instead, my Ex called the cops claiming the boys were kidnapped. We arrived to the house shocked: 6 patrol cars, a full-blown SWAT team and 2 ambulances. We zig-zagged between the cops trying to figure who got shot in this very expensive Long Island neighborhood. It turned out my Ex told the cops that my kids were kidnapped. My wife, my 2-year old baby daughter and I were kept under interrogation for 3 hours then released. That’s when I decided to leave the State of New York (a crazy place) and put some distance (jurisdiction). It has been 7 years of CrazyLand and Hell but I learned from my mistakes and cut all access points. Now, I speak to her only in 1 business sentence and only related to the boys.
OMG – if only I had seen or had access to this article and Lise’s amazing insight 30 years ago. This describes my ex and the tactics she used ONE HUNDRED & FIFTY PERCENT!! I am still suffering the mental health and emotional fallout caused by my ex-wife during our divorce and the 20 subsequent years of ‘joint custody’ and ‘co-parenting’. And, both of our, (now adult) children have (and are still) paying the price also – (my eldest daughter has/had years of emotional issues and my youngest daughter committed suicide 3 years ago at age 28) – I am convinced that her suicide was 90% attributed to the way her mother raised the children and the way she continually used them as “pawns” during their upbringing. If you are currently in this situation, seek help, research, support etc – you will NEVER, EVER win against the narcissistic ex-partner – just protect yourself and especially your children, as much as you can.
My ex has stolen Holidays from me but what really hurts is she has my older child wrapped around her finger. I have to fight for every day I can get with my eldest daughter and even when I’ve asked for more time my daughter’s response is to just make the most of what I have. And before anyone asks, it’s far less than 50%. Yet I’m asked by her mother to constantly pay for 50% of everything. With my younger child, her mother is abusive but knows to not do it when I’m around. She left for almost a year which wasn’t originally the plan but she didn’t tell me her plan until she was doing it. When I went to get my daughter back, upon arriving back at home, my younger daughter said her mother woud hit her. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if I go to someone about it that I’ll loose my daughter in some kind of custody battle. And since her mother has returned she’s been trying to be on her best behavior with regards to that. The mother falls exactly into the descriptions this doctor has given of a Narcissist and so did the ex. I need help.
I have to co-parent with a narcissist. Unfortunately I have the misfortune of co-parenting with someone who would be living 75 miles away and would rather my daughter live at her grandmas with her from tues afternoon to say morning. She also has shown countless times to ignore any custody orders or to take the carseat or to jump into my car ect ect ect. And in each instance over the years the sheriff in various towns have told me outright that it’s a matter for family law. They have no interest in helping or lifting a finger. Unfortunately you can’t do much with family court unless you can prove instances. And beyond having some texts it’s not like you have much power in these instances. So I’ve ended up just allowing her to live with me and I get to have my daughter here all week and most weekends. It can be hell to deal with at times, but there are some silver linings. Things like, having my daughter most of the time since her mom ends up napping or doing other things when she gets out of school. And i have a chance to see how she interacts with my daughter and course correct when I feel that it might be something my daughter needs to understand. While it totally sucks, I am hopeful that it ought get better in a few years when my daughter is old enough to understand and I can hopefully figure a plan out to get some distance and have my own life back, while ensuring that my daughter doesn’t have to suffer from a toxic environment. It’s not great but it’s the best I can do
These are terrible stories and I can identify with every single one Women can be cruel particularly when children are involved The lesson I learned: get out now! The situation is hopeless. Time is your most precious currency. Your mental and physical health is at risk God wants you to be happy. Have faith it will all work out and the kids will come back. Be patient and enjoy your freedom
Like many here – thank you for this article, it is valuable to all us parallel parenting with a narcissist… My ex is using more weapons than Vladimir Putin, including access refusal under a pretense of covid safety (in 2023), false accusations of racism and abuse in court and she moved across the other side of the country without any notice, refusing to disclose her address. But then like you said non of this is a surprise and is what makes a narcissist a narcissist. But when it comes to battling for the betterment of my daughters future I can assure you Putin will not have enough ammo for this fight!