Narcissistic parents often view their child’s independence as a threat and tend to deny their child’s independent selfhood. Key signs of a narcissistic parent include emotional manipulation, lack of empathy, and neglect. They often see their child as a source of validation and often loudly flaunt their children. Common traits of narcissistic parents include an inflated sense of self-importance and constant flaunting.
Narcissistic parents may have personality traits such as being self-centered and attention-seeking. They magnify their accomplishments to the point that the child believes they are super-human, and the child desperately tries to live up to the image. Mental health experts suggest that there are three main ways children grow up to become narcissists: overindulging for their superficial attributes, being traumatized, neglected, poor attachment style, and overindulged, spoiled child.
There are two parenting styles that lead a child to develop into a narcissist: traumatized, neglected, poor attachment style pathway, and overindulged, spoiled child pathway. Other psychiatric disorders can imitate narcissistic traits and NPD. Narcissists are made, not born, and both empaths and narcissists suffer from early developmental trauma.
Narcissism with self-esteem partialed out can be conceptualized as a more pure measure of narcissistic tendencies, with any aspects of genuine narcissistic tendencies. A neuroscientist says parents who make these three mistakes are more likely to raise a narcissist:
- Not acknowledging your own negative behaviors. A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. Typically, narcissistic parents are exclusively and solely focused on their children’s needs and desires.
📹 How narcissistic parents “misuse” their children
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
What kind of childhood creates a narcissist?
Narcissism is primarily caused by childhood trauma, such as severe abuse or neglect. When a child feels ignored or unloved, they develop feelings of inadequacy and lack of care. This can be due to inconsistent or unpredictable parenting, constant criticism, or a emotionally volatile home environment. If one parent is the abuser and the other does not intervene, it can be emotionally confusing. The child’s response to this neglect is to avoid emotional hurt, learning to take care of themselves and not need anyone.
This leads to a lack of empathy and self-preservation. On the other hand, a child who is over-indulged and constantly praised, believes they are superior to others and is prone to tantrums when told no or treated poorly. This type of narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy and self-preservation.
What kind of mother raised a narcissist?
Mental health counselor Catherine Del Toro warns that parents who value their children’s achievements but devalue their feelings are at risk of raising narcissists. She suggests that parents who remain emotionally distant or neglectful can lead to their children developing narcissism due to their constant need for attention and superiority. Del Toro emphasizes the importance of being involved and present with children to prevent the development of narcissism.
At what age does narcissism develop?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that typically affects males and typically begins in their teens or early adulthood. Symptoms of the disorder can vary, but typically include an excessive sense of self-importance, a desire for privileges and special treatment, and a belief in superiority. People with the disorder may also be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate.
They may also be critical of others, expect special favors, take advantage of others, and have an inability to recognize others’ needs and feelings. They may also be envious of others and believe others envy them. The disorder can also manifest as arrogance, brag, and insist on having the best of everything, such as the best car or office.
Which child is most likely to be narcissistic?
Melodramatic children with neglectful, spoiled, or insisted-on parents are more likely to develop narcissism in adulthood. Neglectful parents may internalize the message that they are not enough, leading to an overblown sense of self-importance as a defense mechanism for feelings of inadequacy. Spoiled or told they are more important or special than their peers can also contribute to narcissism in adulthood.
What is the root of narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a condition that is typified by an elevated sensitivity to criticism and a proclivity to respond strongly to insulting speech or behaviors. The etiology of NPD is likely influenced by a complex interplay of environmental factors and genetic predispositions, including the quality of the child-parent relationship during the formative years.
What parenting behaviors are predictors of narcissism?
A parenting style that is unresponsive, demanding, and lacking in support for cognitive and physical development can impede positive development. This can result in a child developing a sense of inadequacy and maladaptive narcissism, which can in turn affect their overall well-being.
Can a narcissist be a good parent?
Narcissists are not capable of being “good enough” parents, as they lack foundational parenting skills and abilities. In their book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, the author explores the impact of healthy and not-so-healthy parenting on children. The narcissistic parent can injure children in predictable ways, such as selfishness and self-centeredness.
Narcissistic self-centeredness means that attention is primarily focused inward, resulting in less emotional energy for the child. This lack of attention and affection can lead to the growth of basic security and a negative self-concept.
What kind of parent creates a narcissist?
The study demonstrates that narcissism in children is fostered through parental overvaluation, whereas high self-esteem is nurtured through parental warmth, characterized by parents’ expression of affection and appreciation towards their child.
Does narcissism run in families?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a condition characterized by subtle differences in brain structure, but its cause is not yet known. Genetics is believed to be the main contributing factor, with individuals with NPD more likely to have close relatives with the disorder. While the DSM-5-TR does not identify different types of narcissism or NPD, experts often categorize it based on traits or behaviors, such as grandiose (wanting admiration) vs.
Vulnerable (needing approval), overt vs. covert (visible), and benign vs. malignant (willing to hurt or take advantage of others). Mental health providers can help individuals understand their condition and discuss these traits if they apply to them.
Do daughters of narcissistic fathers become narcissists?
The question of whether a narcissistic father’s behavior can lead to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in daughters is not definitive. While exposure to a narcissistic father can cause emotional struggles, the development of a personality disorder like NPD is influenced by various factors, including genetics and life experiences. Daughters of narcissistic parents often seek external validation, leading to self-doubt, anxiety, and reliance on others’ opinions for self-worth.
However, having a narcissistic father does not necessarily increase the likelihood of experiencing narcissistic abuse due to unhealthy dynamics and manipulative behaviors. The experiences of daughters of narcissistic fathers can vary based on various factors.
What is the root cause of narcissism?
NPD, a personality disorder, is believed to be caused by a combination of genes, early childhood experiences, and psychological factors such as excessive praise or judgement by parents, trauma, or abuse. If you or someone you know has symptoms of NPD and struggles with managing relationships or lives, it is important to see a doctor or a psychiatrist or psychologist who has experience treating people with personality disorders. It is crucial for individuals with NPD to become aware of their behavior’s impact on their life and relationships.
📹 Signs You Were Raised by Narcissist Parents
Growing up in a narcissistic family can have a profound impact on your sense of self and your ability to navigate the world.
I was 6 years old – I had made an art project and the teacher had thought it good enough to be hung on the classroom wall. When my dad came to pick me up from school that day, I was so excited that I dragged him to the classroom to see my art project. I remember vividly how excited I was and how he grumbled about how his time was being wasted all the way to the classroom. My teacher was still in the room grading some papers. My dad didn’t even glance at the art project i so happily showed him – but walked up to my teacher and told her horrible things about me… all made up… how i was dirty and undisciplined. This was my punishment for daring to ask him to take the slightest interest in me, his 6 year old daughter. It was a lifelone pattern of invalidating and/or insulting me for anything i was “proud of”…. good grades, a new dress, anything at all. It meant ignoring me when there was no audience. Or if there was an audience (teachers, relatives) – insulting and mocking my achievement and calling me demeaning names. Or physical beatings when he felt like it. It could be something as simple as a 6 year old’s art project that would set him off. His fragile ego couldn’t even handle that. He is dead now. The world is a slightly better place.
They constantly belittle, criticize, or give the cold shoulder until you accomplish something or something good happens. Then they’re a scowling teen or a jealous child and have an adult toddler temper tantrum. You CAN’T win with these people. My mother actively held me back because she couldn’t take anything good happening for me—putting myself through school, getting a degree, introducing a boyfriend. She couldn’t STAND any activity that didn’t revolve around HER.
I am currently pushing 60 years old and I’ve only recently realized what I went thru as a child. Not only have I been grieving terribly for that little child, but I’m also seeing why my whole life has been so problematic. I’ve been in complete denial my whole life. That barrier to healing has finally been broken. Thank you so much for your heartfelt informative articles.
I’ll never forget when I became an adult, I noticed my mom’s eyes looked dead when talking to me. It felt like a switch went off when I became an adult, like she no longer cared about me in any way shape or form. She had no empathy, she didn’t prepare me for adulthood and I was set out in the world with nothing. She didn’t care for my struggles or pain. In her mind, I had it better, no matter the circumstances than she did. In her mind she had sacrificed 18 years of her life and youth to raise me and it haunts her. I’ve always felt responsible for ruining her life even though I was a planned pregnancy.
I was a golden child and and loved my narc father so much. He did no wrong in my eyes, until I became a teenager and started to see the wrong things. Then I became the truth teller and became the scapegoat. The abuse got so bad that at eighteen I had to rent a house and scape with my mom and my two brothers. My mom was a shell of a person…. And even accused me of taking her out of her house. He was charming, everybody loved him. He ended up dying last year, while suing us ( me and my brothers ) to support him. The whole family accused us of abandoning him. Old wounds were fresh again. I’m in pieces. Learning about narcissism is helping me to cope. To the point I’ve become obsessed. Finally it started to make sense… and finally I’m accepting none of that was actually my fault…. It’s unfair…..
A sad realization about these amazing articles is that if you feel a level of emotional labor just to watch it, you may already have trauma due to narcissistic abuse. Every time I see one, I think “Oh this is going to be useful… but it’s going to be so difficult to watch.” And sometimes I have to just save it for later.
Thank you for this. I am a survivor of 2 narcissistic parents. At the age of 7, I knew something was wrong with them, especially my mother, I just didn’t know what it was. It’s too long for me to go into, but I endured a lot from these people. I set boundaries, and they disrespected it. My mother would show up at my house unannounced, birthday parties for my kids just to tell me off because I didn’t invite her….I can go on forever. My siblings and extended family enable her and hardly speak to me, and I know it’s due to her smearing my name because she takes no accountability and is always the victim. I even wound up dating a narcissist in my teens’ early twenties because I thought this behavior was normal!. Flash forward 40 years… I know who I am, and I know what they are. I sharpened my scissors, and I cut these cancers out of my life. It wasn’t easy, and I mourned it like a death. I felt like a switch went off in my head, and I just said,”I’m done.” I was done feeling bad and dealing with rude, childish behaviors. I’m grateful to have a supportive husband and 3 amazing kids who witnessed firsthand how badly my parents treat/speak to me. I told my kids that as awful as it was growing up with them, they taught me what I never wanted to be… so I guess something good came out of that experience. With the narcissists and their flying monkeys out of my life, I feel healthy, clean, and whole. Took me 40 years to get here, but better late than never. Thank you again for your words of wisdom, Dr.
It’s emotional and psychological ABUSE, period. My MN mother used me as a therapist and emotional punching bag my entire life. She would badmouth my father and his family constantly, forcing me to hear the same stories over and over again for decades (even after I asked her to stop- she actually became offended).
I was definitely misused by my mother, I had to regulate her feelings and her moods. It was always about her and i was treated like i was an extension of herself! Now, i have slowly distanced myself from her! But i have picked partners that were similar to her! Narcissistic parents really do a number on childs psych and emotionally!
Since I was a young child, I knew I was supply, but was powerless and confused by the ‘big people’ in my life. So, I stayed and played small; basically ‘in service’ until just before my 50th birthday. For many years, I was trained to abandon myself to please the unpleasables and approached my life with fear, guilt and obligation. Today, I continue to unlearn beliefs that didn’t serve my mental and emotional health but served/regulated the disowned parts of my parents and myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani for uplifting and affirming your viewers, out loud. 🙏🏽
I too often hear the excuse by unhealthy parents, especially narcissistic ones, that it’s the child’s fault for being so difficult. When in reality the child’s “difficult” behavior is a response to the abuse/misuse because they don’t know how to process it. Then this becomes a despicable cycle of the child reacting to the abuse/misuse and then the parent using the response to justify more abuse/misuse. The scary part is that a child is dependent on the parent for survival and by the time they are old enough to take care of themselves they are ill equipped to do so due to this poor parenting rollercoaster. It’s a lose-lose situation. 😟
My parents definitely were not worried about us kids and our well-being. They fed us and let us play sports or whatever, but it usually felt like they were doing it to seem part of society to their own benefit. No advice, no well-placed words of encouragement, little emotional connection, and no concern about our safety or comfort unless it was going to also affect them somehow. Drama was often encouraged where there didn’t need to be any, though. 😕
My Mom was severely neglected as a child. I believe her parenting style of me, always had an underlying objective to prove to her parents that she was good at it. That she knew what she was doing. She lacked the insight to realize she was still trying to get her parents approval and attention. Although she read books before having me, to try and do better than her parents had, her lack of self worth would always hinder her abilities. When I did good, I was great. When I made mistakes, it was unacceptable. I was her reflection, the symbol of perfection she could never attain herself. And her lack of emotional control, was and still is, a terrible example of how to handle lifes obstacles.
“You never need to be another person’s tool of regulation”…. My entire childhood consisted of silently enduring my mother’s rage attacks, because she couldn’t handle my dad’s alcoholism and I was the easiest target on the horizon to take it out on. It’s funny how HE was the one with the addiction, yet I never felt afraid or in danger because of him. SHE was always the respectable, o so moral, well put together teacher at our local high school, and I was terrified of HER my entire life. Yesterday she raged at me again for half a day because she didn’t like a simple, normal question I asked her. I am 25 and these were the last holidays I ever spent with this monster.
Wow this is mind blowing. My mom used to tell me this stories when I was a child of how men were so crazy for her, that she would always be the attention of the party, how even doctors and lawyers were all over her, how men were so infatuated for her that they would be willing to cheat on their wives, and my reaction as a child was always “oh okay…” and she would get angry at me. I just realized, she wanted my admiration…. how pathetic my god…
Since identifying my mom as a narcissist in my 50s, I’m seeing all the ways I was used and manipulated as a child (and beyond) and I just swallowed my feelings and endured it. In hindsight I can see her triangulation tactics across the whole family and how she used all of us for supply. My dad tried to create a happy family life for us and my mom took every opportunity to destroy it while playing the victim and blaming others. So many regrets over how long I put up with this.
My mother taught me it’s not appropriate to show ur having a good day or feel good if they’re not. It’s almost considered selfish to her. But when she’s feeling good, why would there possibly be a good reason for me to feel horrible? It was in those times, she would irk me with empty sayings “life is short, you have to enjoy it” “I’m simple, it’s doesn’t take much to make me happy”. So irritating.
That was my childhood in a nutshell. By the time I was in Grade 7, I realized that my father was literally toxic to my mental health and actually told my mother that I wanted nothing to do with him. However she refused to believe me or accept the boundaries I was trying to set. For the next 30+ years, she kept pushing & guilting me to spend time with him in spite of my feelings. As an adult, I often find myself in toxic situations and have trouble getting.myself out of them.
I was raised in a mental and physical abuse riddled home. As a young child I knew it was wrong, and through the years I spoke out. I was 6. From that point on I was considered the bad child. My siblings were raised thinking all the stresses of family and life were all caused by me. I know this is untruth, but they still try to hold that storyline. I finally walked away after 48 years of feeling I owed loyalty to family. My words of strength right now in my life.. “watch me go, from here I grow” to anyone else dealing with narcissistic family or loved ones.. you won’t fix it.. you do not owe them anything. You do owe yourself kindness❤
I was told I wasn’t abused even as I was regularly slapped on the face so hard my head would snap to the side and sometimes I would fall down and be concussed afterwards. But that wasn’t abuse because what her mother did to her had been so much worse. Or because other people hit their children harder or more often. And I bet so many parents are still that way today.
As an adult, I am only now discovering how much damage my narcissistic single mother had on my own development and lack of boundaries. Publicly, I was seen as an extension of her, a product of her ‘successful’ parenting. For years she would take credit for my education and career choices, but secretly be jealous, envious and resentful. I was constantly compared to my ‘golden child’ sibling and criticised privately at any opportunity. I have finally gone no contact last year and although I sometimes grieve not having a loving mother, I don’t miss the relationship I had.
I was physically abused by my father to a very serious level. I lived in a constant state of terror until my parents divorce. After that I was with my N mother. As a kid who experienced both, I will tell you that the physical abuse was MUCH easier to process and overcome. It was so blatant. All of society’s messaging clearly told me that what was done to me was wrong. The most difficult thing to fix was the stupid flinching whenever someone made a sudden movement. That took me years, but was more frustrating for me than anything. It’s damn difficult to stop a reflex. But the narcissistic abuse was so much more insidious. People thought my mother was *wonderful*. Nobody worried about me. Even when the school found out that we were homeless and that I was eating out of dumpsters with no medical care, they didn’t help me. They felt sorry for my publicly charismatic mother. After I got away from my father, I never looked back. It was easy. It took me decades to leave my mom. I felt such guilt. She had me so convinced that she was dependent on me, and that if I left, she’d literally die. I was so sick of the refusal to accept the smallest boundary and the never ending need to feed her with time, attention, THINGS. And even that wasn’t enough. She had to drive me to a literal nervous breakdown for my family to intervene and get me away from her. My own guilt and shame were too ingrained to do it on my own. Then it was two freaking YEARS of therapy to begin to see how she shaped, twisted, and warped my sense of self.
The part about how looking back at the childhood you would never think of it as abuse as long as it wasn’t physical is so true. The first time I realized/was told it’s abuse was for me in therapy when my therapist pointed out to me that that behavior of my mom is emotional abuse. Realizing and accepting that is so important to move forward from there ❤
I am finding it difficult to even listen to this because I clearly haven’t processed the trauma. I’m in my 30s and my mother is still so over-involved. However, I am so thankful for everything you do because it truly validates the sheer horror of growing up with this abuse day in and day out. To think that a mother could inflict this on their own daughter. Reading through this comments section makes me feel less alone
Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, today cptsd, at age 34 when I first had the courage to seek help. Almost 20 years later not much has changed except that I seem to have have grown out of the debilitating anxiety I endured most of my life: no trust, no feeling like I belong, etc. My ex husband used to say ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself’. These clips are super helpful, thank you Dr Ramani
I wasn’t aware it was abuse (45 years old) until my sister became a mother herself and had to go to therapy because of my narc mom’s treatment, and then she told me and we began to talk about all this. We have always thought that’s normal behavior for a family and even now I can’t talk about it with all my siblings because when you have experienced this all your life it’s not easy to see it. These articles have been so great for me, I have learned so much. To understand what my life has been, to choose the correct therapist, to know what to expect from her, to assume that there’s never going to be a change… Thank you, Doctor Ramani. Thank you so much. You have saved my life, and I really mean it.
I read a book called “Daughter Detox” and this supports it, 100%! And yes, I can tell you this is exactly what I grew up with! I was the middle child and the scapegoat and the inconvenience. Manipulation and guilt trips, yes. I have it easier and I owe for my childhood, yes. I have to serve others, yes. Never taught me boundaries, yes. Everything was in the name of my parents, always! Betrayal, yes, and it’s money. If I cannot make my parent money, the parent sees me worthless.
Their biggest trigger phrase is, “You’re crazy.” They want to see how far they can push you all while they stay calm. It is truly terrifying. They want you to explain yourself. To convince them you are not cra*y. They are taking mental notes. I’ve seen that smirk after I poured my heart to them. They’ll use it against you quickly and easily. I told something that bad happened to me about 5 years ago to one of my brothers and he laughed.
You said that narcissistic parents may become completely detached and disinterested once their child hit adulthood, but for my narcissistic parent the threshold was when I was 14 and my sibling was 11. I remember them outright saying to me that now that we’d “grown up” we have to be responsible adults. I was so confused at that time because I still wanted to be their child, and I feel like I didn’t get enough love in my childhood when I most needed it as a teenager.
Both my parents were misusing me as a child. As an adult I tend to feel the need to be the one regulating people around me. As if that’s my only value. I got severely sick, and my mom got mad at me for not being able to take responsibility for her feelings. That’s when I started putting up boundaries for her. My father is more malignant so I cut him off and went no contact. My goal is to grow my own maturity and working on my relationship with my adult kids.
It’s not just my childhood, it has also been my entire adulthood… and it still happens IF I go around my parents—which is practically never. I have literally had to completely separate myself from them. I mentally have steel walls built up all around me just to keep my mental sanity in place. I love my parents, but the things that have been said and done… all the misuse… I won’t forget… I can’t forget… because that’s what protects me from them.😢
All of the above. I’m the 10th of 11 siblings. Dad was a narcissist and abusive emotionally, physically, and sexually. My parents claimed all of my successes as their own. He refused to let me accept a full scholarship to college because he saw it as charity that reflected poorly on him. He told me that I would never be anything more than he was. I was the peacekeeper and diplomat from a young age. Constant chaos in my home. I don’t know how I survived.
I developed chronic anxiety disorder due to my narc mom & being alone with no one to believe or turn to. I always prayed to be far from her and I am now healing, married and living in a different country. My mental health is getting better and i am seeing how wonderful life could be. I maintained contact by a few messages or phone call each year to avoid being labeled bad things but i know being in a different country altogether makes it much easier to just keep contact to a bare minimum. Distance from her is my only way to heal and be happy. And now i am hearing that she’s trying to create chaos in my brothers’ relationships. Thank god i am free from all of it.
– Silence yourself to suit their needs, you have to be “USEFUL”, trying your best to easy the tension, to please them – guilt, anxiety, shame, sadness, fear – guilt tripping, manipulative, threatening – no boundary, no privacy, no genuine care other than benefiting them – has no genuine care/love in you as a human being other than what it can benefit them – look down upon you – deny the reality & facts, minimize the damage – Prioritize their needs – Competes with you – invalidate your trauma and their abuse
watching this article and reading some of these comments is incredibly heartbreaking. It has taken me years, decades to recognize the damage and the unnecessary suffering my mother has made me and my sister go through. We both had it differently and it has affected us in different ways, but for the first time I’m having the courage to come out and admit to myself and to anyone willing to listen, what a crippling experience it has been. At the end, the most difficult part is to wrestle with the truth, accepting the fact that my mother will NEVER change, or EVER acknowledge her damaging behavior. He narcissism has cost me relationships, I became addicted to substances like pain killers, just to cope with the never ending abuse. The insane part of all this is that most people who know her have absolutely no idea, none at all. They think she’s charming, beautiful, successful, kind, generous – it’s mind blowing. My father, bless his heart, has been a prisoner to her abuse as well, but because he pretty much grew up without a father or a healthy present mother, he is the perfect provider and the perfect co-dependent. My mission in life now is to find a way to heal and to connect with people who can understand this issue from a personal experience. I am in the need of desperate help !!!
This is very helpful. It helped me recall what I did to “fix” my relationship with my mom as an older teenager (convinced, as I always was, that it was my fault for her awful behavior toward me). I learned to constantly show admiration for her, no matter how atrociously she had treated me. I fed her ego so much and was so loving – which is genuine, I am a very loving person – but that’s what triggered the overall shift in her behavior toward me. I became “the golden child” (to some degree) after being the scapegoat for the majority of my life. I became very obsequious and constantly showered her with gifts and attention, so she “liked” me. If I ever showed “less” attention or had other things I was doing (going out with my boyfriend, pursuing my goals, etc.), she would quickly turn on me. I moved out early and was very removed from her, giving less attention, noticing her bad behavior more and more – and the tantrums and attacks increased and became unbearable again, just like I had experienced for most of my life save for a few years of groveling… because I wasn’t busy spending all my time feeding her ego. So I became the scapegoat again, like I had been in childhood, always blamed for problems and targeted by everyone in the family.
Spot on when it comes to my mother. For example she cried and hit me at the age of 5-6, for not spendning more time with her instead of my friends. Or she could cry and say she would never come back, and then leave the house coming back some hours later like nothing happend. Growing up, shame and guilt has eaten up my other feelings. Finally at the age of 43 i´m starting to letting go of those feelings and allowing me to feel better about myself.
As a psychologist, I found this article on how narcissistic parents “misuse” their children to be incredibly insightful and informative. It’s important to recognize that children of narcissistic parents often grow up in an environment that is emotionally and psychologically abusive, and that this can have long-lasting effects on their self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. It’s also worth noting that healing from the effects of narcissistic abuse can be a complex and challenging process, and that working with a trained mental health professional can be extremely helpful.
I remember when I told her about my sexual abuse she would watch movies and TV series (abuse content) everyday in front of me and I would scream, cry and shout at her…telling her to watch something else… She always had this evil grin on her face… Malignant narcissist (I don’t feel like calling her a mother) It’s been a couple of months since I cut ties… These flashbacks keep me busy… Haa😅 I’m glad it’s over
Thank you for this article. Let’s call a spade a spade, this is abuse but many people fail to get what you went through and how it has affected all aspects of your life. i had to wait until the age of 57 to understand I had been abused by a narc mother, I was just her tool, an ear, a mirror, an extension of herself. I have been working on this for 6 years now and I have a message of hope for childhood trauma survivors, you can heal! Bonjour from France.
I just came back from an emotional flashback to exactly this. I’m an accomplished 40 yr old and I felt like my 7 yr old self being punished for being happy or sad, as long as it is the opposite emotion of my parents, it didn’t matter. As long as I was who I was, I was punished because I didn’t fit the role of a simple pawn. The worst of my flashback today was the slow acceptance that my older siblings whom I really loved, used me to get ahead in the game, without any remorse for how it would affect my 7yr old self. I am an unwanted child of my siblings, and used as a punishing tool to my siblings through jealousy, favouritism and illogical comparison to deemed “non-performing siblings” whom were just as abused. I haven’t cried so much like that in years and I literally felt like a child. I have so much more compassion for the young me than before, including the adult me now that becomes triggered into the young-me-state due to untethered Pavlovian reactions. The emotional flashback today was really tough, and I am thankful for it that it further strengthens my resolve to go through this challenging healing process and to go no contact.
My mother cannot comprehend the fact that it is not my obligation to regulate her emotions and make her feel better, she thinks i have to constantly pander and walk egg shells around her. She can’t handle anything let alone the tiniest bit of transparency and then wonders why I’m so ‘indifferent’ and ‘cold’. It doesn’t matter what i do whether it’s feverently playing the servant to her every whim, being her ever affirming echochamber, constantly giving reassurance and support, or whether I’m dispondant or depressed or completely numb to everything she throws at me. It is all the same regardless, there is no normal she will always be the victim-bully the oppressed/oppressor she crafts this twisted double standard around her wiry insecurities and throws wall- eyed fits if people don’t let her just do what she wants without consequence.
Thank you Dr Ramani. This article really resonated with me. I, being the scapegoat, had so much heaped upon me beginning probably age 8-9. Started with ironing…moved to caring for baby sister…dishes, laundry, cooking, all the household chores by the time I was a freshman in high school. It was so very heavy and didn’t seem normal to me. She stated repeatedly “the oldest girl has all the responsibilities”. One of her many lies.
My both parents are narcissistic. whenever i watch your article i can fully relate to my childhood and ongoing abuses. In my childhood i thought it was always my fault and always felt guilty. I doubted myself and sometimes even doubt myself today (I’m 29). When i watch your explanations it kind of gives a soothing balm on my cuts. I know i have a long road to heal myself. Just know you are doing a marvelous job to mankind. Thank you from bottom of my heart from India 🇮🇳❤
Survived two narcissistic parents. Mom was a vulnerable narcissist, ever the victim and dad was a grandiose communal narcissist. If I wasn’t being flat out ignored, I was criticized, called ugly and affection was just a reward if I jumped through impossible hoops to please them, regulate their egos. I so lived in fear, full of anxiety and even by age 5 I knew this couldn’t be normal. He cheated, they’d fight, he’d threaten to leave and say we could starve. She retreated to hypochondriac behavior, sleeping and depression. We kids were a burden, a prop to be paraded about when social norms dictated. They both made it clear that we had no right to have any needs other than clothing, food and housing and we were to be damned grateful for that. The world can be cruel and home should be a refuge but my childhood, my “home” was the source of emotional trauma. They’re both dead now and I honestly don’t miss them. I tell myself they can’t hurt me anymore.
I didn t know my parents and brother are narcissists, until I was 38 years old. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I didn t understand where that came from. Even though I had severe anxiety and severe insomnia for most of my life. I couldn t hold myself together anymore after a narcissistic ex and my narc mother discarded me. I finally found out about narcissism and a life long of abuse that I ve been through. Not from my therapist, but by doing self study. I finally got it….their constant temper tantrums and rage, my mom who used me as her friend and psychologist from age 12, all of their fights, their contempt for me, their neglect of me, their paranoia, their discards…it all started to make sense. I would definitely call this abuse! And I still carry the consequences from it…severe cptsd. But back then, I didn t even know this was abuse!
Being different was like a sin in my home, no one understood me and I was constantly told how different I was from my mom. Nothing i did was ever good enough. I didn’t know at the time i was being silenced. I lost myself trying to be the perfect child but nothing was enough. I’m now working on my healing, And it is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Now I’m starting to think my deceased mom also experienced the same thing. You’ve helped make sense of my life and to pick myself up and finally focus on me. Thank you for that Doc❤
A therapist I saw told me that we do not keep track of abuse or trauma. I’d felt “bad” because I was battling depression and felt I had no right to be depressed. I hadn’t been “abused badly as some kids suffered”. Abuse is just that, just as trauma is. Take care of yourself folks. Self care is necessary and important.
Anyone else here have a covert narcissist mother? I’m 44 and at some point last year I learned about covert narcissism. My whole life I’ve been trying to make a connection with my mother and it never works, nothing I do breaks through her wall. I didn’t want to believe that she was a narcissist, and I’m starting to see now how I’ve been trained to see her as the victim. The victim she wants everyone to see her as. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong because we couldn’t connect. She is 74 now and in very bad health so cutting ties with her I am going to look like the bad person, but I mentally and physically feel so much better not being around her. Ugggh, I want to do the right thing, and help her but I now know the toll that it takes on me. If she was wealthy and could afford caregivers I wouldn’t give two sh*ts and I would walk away. So frustrating when you’re trying to be the one that makes the right decisions and you know you’re dealing with someone else who doesn’t.
One thing I find strange looking back at my childhood with a narcissistic mom is that we never did kid stuff. No bouncy parks or ball pits or playgrounds or Chucky Cheese. It was just me essentially accompanying her to her adult gatherings with no kid activities, as if she never adapted her life to having a kid. Even our house growing up, it didn’t really look like a kid lived there, unless you happen to walk into my bedroom.
Narcissist: Gives you a gift then abuses you right after. You: Hey you just abused me. Narcissist: What are you talking about I just gave you a gift. You: Thanks for the gift but you hurt me right after. Narcissist: Wow. How selfish can you be? I’m trying to help you, I’m try to be mice, and you’re choosing to ruin everything by focusing on the negative. It’s no wonder you have so many problems. Try focusing on the positives for once and see if your life gets better. You should be grateful I got you anything at all.
I needed this so much tonight. I am seeing my narcissistic, immature adoptive father for the first time in 4 months tomorrow for Easter. I have building my skills toolbox over the past months, but I am feeling very anxious that I am going to lose control tomorrow and make things worse. I’m in it alone with him, and I can use all the backup I can get. Thank you for making these articles frequent and free for those of us in need of support and education.
Narcissistic parents are a tough, unecessary challenge in life. But if you understand those issues and survive it, you grow out really strong out of it. You learn to know what you really want, who you really are, and by that, you know your bondaries….and you also know to separate between people that are “on the same wave” as you and understand you….and people that are not “on the same wave” as you and don’t understand you. Between people that show respect towards you and people that utterly disrespect you.
If anyone reads this, please know you matter. YES, YOU. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you have control today. You are not anyone’s emotional punching bag. You are strong, worthy, amazing and everything all these jealous and unworthy people could not appreciate. Stand high because you were always the winner and cut these people out of your life if they are toxic. I don’t care if it’s your mother, brother or your significant other. PROTECT YOUR PEACE. If you have children, protect their childhood and protect them from people who mistreated you, because next, they will come after your kids to berate and turn them against you. Watch as many of these articles that dr Ramani and others put out for you to learn from. You have the power. Protect yourself and protect your peace!!!
now that I think about it this explains a lot about my teenhood. as a child I was very obedient and never questioned them on anything. I was the easy child, the only way I fell short was my grades. I was am above average student, but not straight As like my sister. But when I started to develop my own identity, found my own interests etc., things got so, so much harder. I started to feel like I was getting more mature than my parents. I would walk away from discussions feeling drained, but they were filled with joy and energy. When we fought, I was helping them regulate their negative emotions, all the while taking verbal abuse and blame for how they felt. My needs and emotions do not matter to them at all. I’ve realized that I’ve always been their way of regulating their emotions and coping (but not actually) with the flaws they don’t like about themselves. They seemed to only see the bad in me in private but kept up the facade of love in public.
I was raised with a narc father. From the time I was born, I was an extension of him. Constantly raging at me for not knowing enough, expecting me to be like a little adult, emotional blackmail, making me cry, belittling me, and on it goes up into my young adulthood. I have been oddly attracted to those who treat me the same way, in hopes of “taming” that behavior subconsciously. It has taken me a lifetime to finally figure it out. Now I am stuck in a horrible marriage with a narc.
Something that helped break the ice for me in using the word “abuse” was recognizing myself in lists of abuse symptoms. “If you feel X, it’s from Y and is a reaction to abuse. Example: limerence is a result of severe childhood emotional neglect.” I never would have thought that from descriptions of said neglect.
Parentification popped into my head even before perusal your vid, Dr. Ramani. I was 20, when my Narcissistic Father volunteered ME to stay overnight in the hospital w/ my then 6 yr-old brother. (My Mother had passed). My little brother had a playground concussion, and was kept in hospital overnight for observation. The wrongness of this didn’t really hit me until I became a parent myself. There is NO way anyone other than me would be there, next to my own child if they had an overnight hospital stay. NO WAY!! But, I see clearly now that my Narc Father~who had zero empathy, would have been unable to offer comfort & support to my sibling.
I started to experience this type of thing, when I was 19 and my mother remarried, after years of being single, after her last 2 marriages. As I was just coming into adulthood, I thought we had a good relationship, I was the closest sounding board she had and I’d also become accustomed to talking at length with my grandmother over the phone. All 3 of us were sounding boards for each other. But I was the main problem repository. Over the course of time, was when my mother’s dependency on me, personally and professionally, began to become malignant, with it finally being one of my livelihood obviously being competition that she’d wanted to destroy. That is when I began to learn about narcissism and oh boy was it a match. That the parent I and everyone had long thought to be the perfect parent, that everyone wanted and that I should be grateful for, was actually a sick monster. I still know and believe she had a great many wonderful qualities and that the struggles and disappointment of life caused her to spiral into a very dark spirit though. I also knew that I owed it to myself, to save myself from her.
Thank you! I resonate with your offering of the word “misuse” in your examples. I was used as a sounding board from the age of five and can recall being verbally “misused” starting at age four. I am still actively healing from the pain and actively recovering from my own (much gentler) misuse of coping strategies. Mom misused all of us verbally. She misused food and denial as a coping strategy. She was traumatized and sad but could not “see” or truly connect with us. Dad misused alcohol to numb out and we suffered all around. My sibling was less able to cope & chronic misuse of himself led to an early grave. Generational trauma! Luckily I was able to alter the cycle (mostly) for my offspring but it has been a rocky road…and one I am committed to.
Hammer, meet nail! Once again, Dr. Ramani, you have given me the language I need to be able to talk about my reality in a way that other people will understand. Too often, people’s idea of what abuse is is limited to bruises and broken bones. I remember the first time my therapist asked me to entertain the idea that I had been abused as a child. And I resisted at the time because while I knew that something was deeply wrong with my mother and that my family of origin was broken in some way, I hadn’t yet recognized my mom’s making the rest of us responsible for her emotional stability as abusive.
I am so glad I found this. Have had excellent therapy for 7 years…and I have learned so so much about my family from this Chanel. Might sound cheesy but I feel like someone understands me. Not because my therapist doesn’t. She does. But narcissistic family is so unlike any other family dinamic and the challenges are very specific. Thank you very very much everyone. Wishing all of us healing and peace.
It’s always felt like abuse, but it felt so wrong to use that word because, yes, it’s typically associated with some form of physical and sexual abuse. Also, the fact that no one else witnesses it and believes the parents to be angelic is further isolating. I internalized the shame and blame a long time ago and it’s my immediate emotional response to anything. I’m 51. And I just don’t know how to end this emotional habit.
This was 💯 my childhood and still happens to me in adulthood with them. They don’t realize it was misuse/abusive or damaging to me as a child trying to parent my own parents. It was so hard on me, I didn’t know how to handle their problems, I was a child. But they don’t get it. Super messed up. It makes me really sad as I figure these things out. Not totally sure how to be sometimes, especially with my family who turns a blind eye to all the abuse. Focusing on my boundaries, safe supports and self care. And learning to not have my personal relationships like this anymore too. Thank you ❤
Dr Ramani, this is brilliant and from my perspective, this is exactly what the world needs more of. I wonder how I could stop a child like me suffering in future. I don’t know if we will ever be in a place where that can happen or how it would but this feels like an enormous opening to me. The first step I guess is acknowledgement and awareness. Maybe from that place society can start to change. I am sorry for adults who suffer but I have more pity for children. This is what we need please. More of this.
When i did not know any of this, i used to describe the relationship with my mother as if i was the parent or the more mature and sensible one. I did all of it helping, soothing, protecting, supporting, listening advising, befriending… You name it. In the past few years, learning about narcissistic abuse, i came to understand how misused and abuse i was, which explains the overwhelming sadness, heaviness and exhaustion i felt sine ever. I remain to this day as a person and individualne invisible to her. It hurts. Thank you so much dr Ramani for your work
Thank you so much. At the moment when I made up my mind to use the term “abuse”, chronic justification of their behaviors finally came to an end. It was real that I felt painful and fatigue. It was reasonable that I had amnesia. My hormone diseases appeared for a reason. The validation helps so much, it saves my life.
I know hardly anyone else who appeared to suffer from this abuse and it was a lot less for my brother as well. I wonder if these people just haven’t realised yet or if this kind of abuse is rare. Obviously when there’s proper physical abuse kids are removed from abusers but when it’s not physical it could continue indefinitely. Thank you Dr Ramani
I’m understanding more and more about my childhood. Often it was okay-ish. I just had to do everything the way my mother wanted it. If I didn’t I was lazy even if the result was better if I did it my own way. I was not allowed to learn about boundaries, as there were none for her “because she is my mother” . If I was doing well, things were okay. When I was struggling or messing up, I would be disappointing her and she would start to call me stupid and lazy. I was undiagnosed autistic and really struggled with some stuff but all I heard was that I was lazy. I also got bullied a lot and when I wanted to talk about it, I would be told to stop being so sensitive and that I was exaggerating every and more of that kind of gaslighting. She would also not remember all the nasty things she said to me and tell me everything was because of my psychological problems. She even advised me one time that it would be better if I were committed. Mind you, this was just after having gone through some therapy. Dealing with her is very exhausting and I just don’t want to anymore.
It’s maddening getting to know facts about narcissistic parents, because for most of my life I did not see my mother that way. But listening to this doctor say word for word of what I always secretly felt like was really hard. My mom hit as a child bc it was still kinda normalized at the time. But what I grew to be most resentful of would be her constant whining, only to me, about everything wrong with her life, her disagreements with my father, my sister, or anything else that would be bothering her. No child should take that burden. And now I’m an adult and she just keeps getting worse tantrums, threatening to run away, to die alone. Never accepting psychological help. Sometimes it is too much to deal with, on top of my own battling with depression. Thank you Dr. for this article, I felt understood.
I would like to add another, very confusing version of narcissistic abuse of parents that I have heard in my coachings: in order to force the emotional adaption to the mood of the parent, they use metalevel projection. Something in their lives is wrong / feels bad / is scary, they will start searching for something that‘s „wrong” with the skapegoat child, starting with appearances in all variations and then – when this critizism is not answered enthusiastically – it goes on to the behaviors, life choices, choices of friends, what the child feels, thinks, says does or plans will be critized, minimized, devalued, mocked etc. So, either the child is totally submissive at the beginning, which gives the parent the sense of total boundryless control they were missing before (and will keep claiming to be entitled to anytime in the future) and which might soothe them somewhat or the child is being hurt to the degree of unhappiness the parent/s are feeling, making that way sure that the child is to blame and is clearly the source of their unhappiness. Which then again, makes them feel better, because they are trying soooo hard and in so many ways to straighten that difficult, misbegotten child out. Talk about moving goal posts in any scenario …. What self-defense / self-protective moves do you know, when you can‘t get out of the second and want to stay sane?
This spoke to me on so many levels. In my case it is more complicated as autism, adhd and cptsd in the family. If ppl with autism never getting the tools to self-regulate and the generations of parents using their kids in this way and then the cycle continues. I am breaking the cycle and can see how much my parents broke me because they were broken themselves. Would love a article on co-regulation and where the lines are. Constantly falling into onesided friendships and relationships where im their for their hard times but when it’s “my turn” I’m ditched. Humans are a social species but always seems i need to self isolate as i can never get a balance between meeting others needs and them meeting mine. The constant selective empathy experienced is exhausting. I don’t want to emotions misuse anyone by mistake but i do want the care and support i see others freely given. The dichotomy of reaction i have always seen when i cry vs and other person, they are “allowed” because the ppl around them give care not contempt. It hurts my head and heart so much.
Thank you! The term human pacifier helps. I KNOW my husband is a narc, but I haven’t been sure about my mother. She was charming. She gave wonderful parties and people liked her. It is hard to reconcile this with what she did to me. The worst thing was the piano lessons. Despite the fact I begged not to take the lessons, she didn’t relent. I took piano for five years. She told me I would be popular if I could play at parties, which was absurd. I can’t play a note on the piano today, but I later took dance without her help. I have a talent and love for dance which is different than instrumental music. She never got that what she did was cruel. Yet, she was fun and sweet sometimes, especially as we got older, and I no longer lived with her. Anyhow, processing this “ain’t easy,” but you are so helpful. You give a point of reference. You are an anchor.
Makes sense and explains why my parents talk so highly of when I was a teenager but then never talk about any of my accomplishments as an adult. At first I thought they were expressing pride but now I know it’s not the case. My adolescents and childhood was hands down the worst part of my life and every year since has been demonstrably better.
This is literally story of my life no 🧢💯💯 Yes it is too sad to see the ones that are supposed to love us unconditional are just using us to their convenience As a scapegoat I go through this shit😢 on the daily basis Sending love to people like me . I am proud of you guys, just want to let you know you guys are invincible,you are not alone, you are loved ❤❤❤💜💜💜
THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani. Not near enough is “out there” about verbal and psychological abuse/misuse of children. You hear plenty about physical and sexual abuse of children and adults, including romantic relationships (though not enough on sexual abuse in romantic partnerships) and plenty about verbal and psychological abuse between adults, but almost nothing about verbal abuse from parent to their own children!
It’s a crazy thing being abused by a mother who then turns around and calls herself the victim. Tells you that “your feelings aren’t my problem” and then expects me to listen to her argue that ” me not considering her feelings is where the problems start”. Narcissist parents are a disappointment not to just their children but society. This abuse is something no one and no child ever deserves. The recovery from this may last a life time.
Even though I’ve been healing for years and in therapy, it’s still sometimes hard to convince and remind myself that I was emotionally abused by my narcissistic parents. Even though now I know the language, there’s still some weird part of me that tries to unconsciously downplay it. “Oh it wasn’t that bad”, “Please that’s not “real” abuse”, or “Other survivors survived through worse parental abuse, what’s your deal?” I internalized for years that emotional abuse wasn’t “real” or “valid” abuse, mainly because the culture and society I grew up in, if there’s nothing physical left on you it “wasn’t” abuse. It was “tough love”, “strict parent”, or “didn’t know any better because I didn’t understand my parents and their sacrifices”. It was messed up. Doubly more, when looking back, and seeing in hindsight that my friends and peers who said these to me, were also probably dealing with narcissistic (or at the least toxic) parents. Idk why it is that I noticed this more with my friends and I all saying and thinking this stuff when we’re all poc. I’m Filipino and grew up in a Hispanic majority. My friends were Puerto Rican. And we would explain away and excuse our parents’ narcissistic or toxic behaviors. It wasn’t until I move out of this area and into a new state entirely when I found other poc friends who would admit “yeah our parents are toxic or narcissistic, and that’s not right”. They were Vietnamese and Latinx. It’s kinda wild when I would visit my old friends in my old area and still see them spout their old internalized views excusing their narcissistic and toxic parents.
I don’t recognise my childhood as much in this article as I was never parentified but the opposite. My mother made sure to keep me as small and dependent as possible. She didn’t teach me any skills (e.g. cooking, cleaning), but expected me to clean up my room according to her perfectionist standards with no help. She decided everything for me such as what clothes to wear (every day!), what my hobbies are (I had to learn guitar but the classic flamenco style 🤦 and some day “I” started collecting teddy bears), what my choice subjects in school are, but expected me to excell in school. She commented on my body in mean ways all the time. She would say “your belly is so fat” (I was wearing size xs back then) and half an hour later she would walk into my room bringing me cake to eat. My brother and I used to play in the family room when we were little but one day she decided we are too loud and we should from now on only play in our own rooms (preferably seperate) and the family room is forbidden. My parents also were super “worried” about safety. So my favorite climbing tree was cut down after I fell down one time out of the hundreds of times I climbed up. I was heart broken. But when I fell with my bike, my mother was super worried if the bike was broken. My dad was mainly kind but absent as he hid from home life by working ridiculously long hours in a corporate job. One time he came home at midnight. He had to break out of the office cause everything was already locked. He got home bleeding cause he was hurt climbing the fence.
Thank you, Dr Ramani, for another perfectly timed article. I had a “cult of two” as parents. I’m living in my mother’s house. I called what you described as “abuse” even as a child, but was gaslit with the “not real abuse” argument. Joy was/is not allowed here at all. Your info on Narcissists getting worse as they age and approach death is spot-on: I’m living it now: my 93 YO mother is suing me to evict me. I’ll be homeless in less than two weeks, all because I said something that she felt was an attack, and she used CA law to toss me out. Talk about a “discard” phase! Even if she passes, I’m still evicted. Ouch.
Great great great article, Dr.Ramani! Giving a word to those dynamics (exploitation, abuse, misuse, etc) is hugely important! I was one of those who did not think I went through abuse, I had trauma issues. What a suprise, challenge and at the end of the day luck to realize those were the right words to describe things. And there it were, the keys to unlock self worth and strength.
This is definitely another puzzle piece I was looking for. My narcissist mom would always find something to start a fight with me every few days, even invent issues or stretch things way out of proportion as an excuse, it was always something where she could stack the deck against me defending myself, and if that wasnt enough I was disrespectful and whatever else she could make me shut up and take it with. I always figured that she was using me as a way to vent her frustrations on, so she looked for things she could be mad about, and with enough dedication either found some obscure thing or made them up. Just something about the pattern what she picked, always being one of the usual suspects, and how often she did that, just made it seem that way, that she was angry about something I had nothing to do with, and needed to find an excuse to yell to make it better. Its understandable to sometimes blow a fuze at someone who is just unlucky enough to be in the line of fire at that particular moment, or vent to a person who has nothing to do with your frustrations. But there has to be something particular going on if instead of venting about the thing thats actually frustrating you just make something up so you can be mad at the person in front of you. Thats not a spur-of-the-moment emotional outburst, thats a systematic approach of a person that gets something out of it, and will do it as much as possible, testing the limits of just how much abuse they can put on that child before something happens, and is willing to exhaust that limit regardless of whether there actually is anything tangible to be frustrated about.
From getting beaten as a child I never learned “Right from Wrong” from that experience. What I did learn is that people will attack if they did not like what I was doing. I even learned that it was okay to hurt somebody else from they upset you. Then that really comes to mind is my mother and I were driving home in the station wagon, and we know is that my dad was coincidentally in his pickup truck following us. What I did was stupid, but from what I can tell I had my mother’s tacit approval of doing so. As a joke we drove past the house and I was leaning out of the tailgate of the car. Firstly I did not fall out in the back of the car due to an abrupt breaking or the latch failing or something like that. This is not long before my parents going to divorce, so I feel that my dad was having some abandonment issues at the time. Anyway when we got home, my dad corned me my room and beat the crap out of me, theoretically out if he was concern for me Although I appreciated the concern of possibly getting dumped on the pavement, I did not appreciate the getting the crap beaten out of me. My parents should have worked out their own issue separate from my existence. What I think my dad was really angry about it was his perceived abandonment. My dad being of large build and 6 ft 5 in tall and that’s encouraged by his mother to use his physical prowess over others was definitely a threat when you were under 4 feet tall and a kid of about 7. I think they were playing situations it’s already had explained to me what I was doing was wrong or why it annoyed somebody that would have made the whole situation much less traumatic.
I have literally never been validated as much as I have on your website. I knew something wasn’t right when I wasn’t happy being treated that way by my parent but everyone else around me said it was fine. Every time I told my dad that his actions were harmful he said “well at least I don’t hit you.” Well at least I can save my money on taking care of him when he’s older because I won’t be around!
I almost had an incestuous relationship with my mother it can be interpreted because I was her relationship coach, sex therapist, regular therapist, and mediator. We were so inmeshed nobody saw us as separate. So whatever ill she caused another was projected onto me. I didn’t even know who I was from age 6-23. When I found myself again I came out to her and she EXPLODED 🤯 haven’t spoken to her in five years
I think that the “therapists” I saw didn’t think I was being abused. I wasn’t a drunk or drug addict so how could I have been abused. I wish I could talk to my older brother about our childhood but he can’t face the abuse he suffered. If I try to talk about it, he invalidates anything that sounds negative.
I love you I don’t even know you. I needed this. I completely dis attached myself from my narcissistic family. After many years of mental abused. This is what I needed. Your advice is what I needed to start healing. I was made to believe that I was the problem all my life. It only took having an amazing partner in life and fostering kids and seeing their cases and family background to realized what narcissistic family is. Then perusal this it solidified my confidence to let my family go. Why am I crying perusal this? Thank you
Thank you. This about sums up my life. I’m 58 and narc mom has used me my entire life as a sounding board. I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to go low contact with only texting and only non emotional replies to her dramatic texts. Such as- I’m still your mother. Like what? What’s that mean? That gives you the right to use me as a human pacifier? I just love how you put this. It really feels like that. So there’s been a nice break of silence and I know it’s only a matter of time before she gets mad she lost her main supply. This time has really made me realize how much her dumping her drama on me caused me depression and anxiety and I take medication because of it. I am beginning this journey of self discovery and to convince myself that I can survive without them because they head tripped me into thinking I can never survive without them. And I won’t deny, I do feel scared but I have to do this.
i feel like my parents are like this too. i always get lectured over a lot of things, which makes me so confused and angry at them. i’m always being dragged out of my comfort zone to do so much stuff, when i just want to be alone for once. they also talk so much that i feel like i’m gonna die if they don’t finish already. i’ve been dealing with this stuff for a while, and perusal articles like this lets me know that i’m not alone in this situation and there are other people just like me. thanks for uploading this <3