Enmeshment is a complex issue that can lead to unhealthy relationships between family members. It can be difficult to identify and can have long-lasting impacts on adult children. To overcome this, it is essential to establish clear boundaries, both physical and emotional. Physical boundaries include personal space, privacy, and the right to refuse physical touch. Emotional boundaries involve the ability to express oneself without fear of judgment or rejection.
Enmeshment can be difficult to identify, as it can resemble a close, healthy relationship. Parents may overly rely on their children, leading to resentment and neglect within their relationships. Enmeshed adults may also develop unhealthy habits. To heal from family enmeshment trauma, it is crucial to set proper boundaries with family members, find healthier ways of communicating, build independence, break unhealthy habits, and improve self-esteem.
Guilt is often used as a manipulation tactic in enmeshed families, as they are told that they are wrong, selfish, or uncaring. To avoid enmeshment and encourage healthy development, it is essential to develop and respect personal boundaries, encourage autonomy and decision-making, and build independence.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them is crucial for any healthy relationship. If you and your children are “enmeshed”, the boundaries between you and your child may not exist clearly or at all. Recognize your autonomy and take steps towards living your own life.
📹 HOW TO HEAL ENMESHMENT | DR. KIM SAGE
This video describes enmeshed relationships, and what you can do to heal, if you are in an enmeshed relationship with a parent …
How do daughters of narcissistic mothers turn out?
Narcissistic mothers often have a negative self-image, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism. This can hinder their ability to pursue their goals and dreams. Additionally, daughters of narcissistic mothers often struggle with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, as their parents may not respect these boundaries. This can cause distress and confusion, making it difficult for them to develop a strong sense of self and navigate healthy relationships.
Furthermore, daughters of narcissistic mothers may develop codependency patterns, seeking validation and approval from others. This can stem from the belief that their worthiness and value are dependent on others’ opinions and actions. They may sacrifice their own needs and desires to please others, often at the expense of their own well-being. Breaking free from these patterns requires self-reflection, setting boundaries, and cultivating a stronger sense of self-worth independent of external validation.
How do I heal from enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a term used to describe the relationship dynamics in certain types of families, such as those where children are often involved. It is a common issue in families where children are often unable to express their feelings or opinions, leading to feelings of insecurity and a cycle of difficult relationships. To begin healing from enmeshment, it is crucial to be patient with yourself, discover your true self, develop boundaries, and seek therapy.
Enmeshment can be a result of a family system that takes familial dependence too far, and healing is essential for adults who grew up in such a system. By understanding and working through enmeshment trauma, individuals can better navigate their relationships and find the support they need to move forward.
Are enmeshed mothers narcissistic?
Narcissistic parents often enmeshed in their children’s lives, controlling their decisions, interfering in their relationships, and handling tasks they need to learn. This leads to profound trust violations and ongoing assaults on their sense of reality, identity, and self-esteem. Recovery for children of narcissistically disordered parents is challenging due to the difficulty of overcoming denial about their family system.
Denial is a normal part of early childhood development and is essential for children experiencing neglect and abuse. However, it must be replaced with awareness and conscious recovery work for healing to occur.
Narcissistic personalities are relational antagonists who use and hurt others to make themselves feel better. They are controlling, competitive, exploitative, hostile, and reactionary, and have a traumatizing effect on others, especially their children. These individuals may be bullies, enmeshed in one or more of their children’s lives, fear-based relationships, gaslighting, hypervigilant, dealization, estification, kindness vs.
Love-bombing, masking, asking, object constancy, projection, questioning, repressed, self-referential, attachment trauma, unreliable narrators, vulnerability avoidant, false denial, and avoiding self-reflection.
Narcissistic parents often have a fear-based relationship with their children, which can still persist today. This fear-based relationship shapes their development and future relationships. They may also be gaslighting, hypervigilant, questioning, repressed, self-referential, attachment trauma, unreliable narrators, vulnerability avoidant, false denial, and avoiding self-reflection. They may also be enmeshed in one or more of their children’s lives, crossing their child’s boundaries by controlling decisions, interfering in their relationships, or handling things they need to learn to do themselves.
Gaslighting is a common form of parental gaslighting, where the parent undermining their sense of reality by undermining their confidence in their own feelings and perceptions. Hypervigilance is another form of parental gaslighting, where the child’s nervous system is conditioned to be on high alert around others, especially bullies. Dealization is a projection of their relationship with self, which is always split between the special grandiose persona and the repressed ashamed inner self. Ustification is the lack of empathy and entitled self-beliefs that allow them to justify neglecting, exploiting, and hurting their children to meet their own needs.
Kindness vs. love-bombing is another form of narcissistic parenting, where the parent may love-bomb the child with idealized attention, excessive praise, or gifts, but this is not kindness. Most narcissists learn to mask their self-serving, cruel, and cynical view of life to get the attention and approval they crave and avoid being socially ostracized. Attachment trauma is a consequence of early bonding experiences with parents, which become a blueprint for future relational patterns.
Narcissistic personalities are unreliable narrators due to their delusional thinking, which leads to lies, distortions, selective hearing and remembering, and rewriting history. They see vulnerability as weakness and armor themselves against it with denial, projection, and forms of aggression. They often deny the truth because it is more convenient for them.
Narcissistic personalities rarely change, mainly because they avoid self-reflection, refuse accountability, and tell themselves they are perfect the way they are. It becomes necessary for an adult child to limit or end contact with an abusive parent, as it becomes a matter of safety and survival. Many children of narcissists spend their lives seeking affirmation that never comes, without realizing that their parents are incapable of giving it.
Lastly, a zero-sum game is a common aspect of narcissistic parenting, where people are on the same team and support each other through good times and bad. By understanding and addressing the root causes of narcissistic personality disorders, individuals can work towards creating healthier, more supportive relationships for their children.
How do I stop being a codependent mother?
Codependency, a term originating from alcohol and chemical misuse, has expanded to include relationships and is sometimes connected with other forms of codependency. A 2009 study of 171 adult females found that parental alcohol misuse or a history of childhood abuse may increase the likelihood of relationship-based codependency, such as parent-child codependency. To stop codependence and heal relationships, practice self-care, step back, allow your child to solve age-appropriate challenges, and actively listen.
What is the antidote for enmeshment?
Enmeshment trauma can be treated with talk therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and family system therapy, as well as specialized trauma therapy like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Charlie Health offers a virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for teens and young adults dealing with complex mental health conditions, including issues related to enmeshment trauma. The program provides over once-weekly mental health treatment using evidence-based modalities in individual, group, and family sessions. Patients can connect with peers who also face similar struggles, ensuring they are not alone in their journey.
What is the best therapy for enmeshment?
Family enmeshment is a dysfunctional family dynamic where members become overly involved and struggle to set boundaries. This can lead to negative consequences, as individual needs and identities can be lost. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) are methods used to help individuals identify and change negative behaviors associated with enmeshment. Closeness, on the other hand, is a more balanced approach that respects individuality and respects the boundaries of the family. Both methods can help individuals improve their relationships and maintain healthy relationships.
Is enmeshment a trauma bond?
Trauma bonds, characterized by enmeshment, can blur personal boundaries and lead to codependency in romantic relationships and family systems. These bonds are a response to intense negative experiences, not just positive memories. Stockholm Syndrome, an extreme example of a trauma bond, provides insight into the logic behind these bonds. While the bond between a victim and a kidnapper can be harmful, it can also be a natural survival mechanism. Stockholm Syndrome highlights the role of power and control in the cycle of abuse, emphasizing the importance of understanding and managing trauma bonds.
Are enmeshed families toxic?
Salvador Minuchin’s concept of enmeshment refers to family systems with weak, poorly defined boundaries, where the entire family may work to support a single viewpoint or protect one member from the consequences of their actions. This weakens individual autonomy and allows family members to over-identify with one another, leading to abuse. Enmeshment can compromise individuality and autonomy, and some survivors may not recognize their experiences as traumatic and may defend their abusers.
Enmeshment also leads to ostracization or labeling of abusers. Healthy families are loyal to one another and share certain values, but in an enmeshed family, loyalty and shared beliefs may come at the expense of individual autonomy and well-being. For example, the entire family might support the idea of a father as a great parent or leader, even if he is physically abusive. Enmeshment does not always lead to abuse, but it is a potent tool for shielding abusers from the consequences of their actions.
How to stop being an enmeshed parent?
Enmeshment is a term used to describe family relationships that lack clear boundaries, leading to confusion in roles and expectations, excessive reliance on children for support, and emotional separation from parents. It is a common issue in families where members are emotionally fused together in an unhealthy way. To end enmeshment, it is crucial to set boundaries, discover one’s identity, stop feeling guilty, and seek support. By doing so, individuals can develop a strong sense of self and break free from enmeshed relationships.
How do you break the cycle of enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a psychological issue where individuals feel overwhelmed by their relationships, especially in families. This can lead to a diminished sense of self and confusion over their separateness. Enmeshed families benefit from high levels of communication but also experience overinvolvement in each other’s issues, problems, and stresses. This lack of distance and poor autonomy can impact decision-making skills, and it is crucial to identify and address these feelings, establish boundaries, consider their needs, communicate their needs, and take steps towards autonomy and independence.
What is the root cause of enmeshment?
The potential causes of emotional distance in a parent-child relationship include instances of child abuse, whereby the child may seek solace from the other parent, and marital discord, whereby stress can precipitate emotional distance.
📹 Breaking Free: The Secret to Overcoming Enmeshment
In this weeks episode of Heal The Hurt I am going to dive deep into what are the signs and characteristics of enmeshment?
Oh my gosh. The part about the obligatory phone call to the parents describe something I have dealt with for years. It’s just awful. Especially because all my narcissistic mother does is complain and try to get me to come down in her hole and wallow with her. It is so exhausting. I’ve finally gotten away from that. And of course she is so angry when I don’t call her.
Now I’m an adult I’m STILL being told I’m not one in certain cases. The guilt, shame and confusion is indescribable. Boundaries I understand, in practice feel painful. How to get through it: it’s parentification as a child and infantilisation as an adult. It explains a lot of why I boomerang between own space and childhood home.
I am confused. My mom tells me to “live my life.” But whenever I do, she has a problem with it. She claims she wants me to be independent but she enables me NOT to be. I can tell her over and over again to not do things for me, but she will still do it. I feel trapped. I am afraid to live my life because I know if I make my own decisions, I will get a ton of criticism and judgment.
I used to spend hours per day talking with my mother on the phone, and I’ve come to realize that she used that to bribe me into taking care of my siblings for her, who migrated to another country. It got sour when one of my siblings had a baby and i was adamant that I’m not going to spend my young adult life doing this parenting of her children… and now grand children all over again. At age 30 now, I only call her like once every 2 weeks and I’ve put up more boundaries with her and her children. I love them but I can’t give up my life for them anymore. Thanks for your validating articles, Dr. Kim.
My mom never told me I’m not an adult. I was totally groomed to take care of her. My dad was a narcissist or definitely had narcissistic traits. I slept with them for many years. I was named after her mom, so I thought it made sense to her. I’m an excellent caregiver. I am super in-tuned with my environment. My mom passed away when I was 26. When I moved to LA, she asked me to come back to NY, because she needed me, because the other siblings were not taking proper care of her. I was devastated. I miss her sorely😢I do this now in my life. Constantly involved with narcissists and narcissistic people.
Allllll of this! 100% verbatim my life with my mom. I finally set and maintained the boundary, one of the hardest things I’ve done for two reasons: 1. Because of how intense her push back guilt trips were, I never felt more subjugated! 2. I had that child like anxiety that “oh man my mom is gonna be mad, I cannot disappoint her, I cannot have this boundary”. However, being pregnant for with my second child, and remembering how much I suffered due to the enmeshment during and after my 1st pregnancy has been my anchor to stay strong and enforce my de-enmeshment
I was my mom’s target as the middle of five kids. She made me her confidante, secrets you should never tell your daughter. I was responsible for her happiness, and after i divorced she tried to nail me down to an agreement not to remarry and that she could follow wherever I go. She managed to manipulate her way into my home and then wanted to buy a house together. She got pretty butt hurt when i said no, but she started getting the message it wasn’t working anymore. Now I just cut her off if she starts in, but it doesn’t happen often because she knows I will tell it like it is in front of others. If she ever wants to cut me off, cool. The other four don’t want her either.
Your articles are very hard for me to watch because they hit my heart. I almost disassociate while perusal. But that tells me I need to stay the course. Thank you for posting your articles. After $$$$ and many years, you have hit the nail on the head that other therapists have not been able to express to me.
Its so strange how i need article’s like this reminding me that i indeed took a adult role on in childhood. Especially as you say ”emotional” adult role. My mom, sister, stepfather where fighter a lot with eachother, except me. I never joined, stay silent, avoidant, not trying to contribute to their fighting. And sometimes if i remember correctly trying to give advice, hoping to give them insight into their ridiuclousness. And i was the youngest of the family doing that, wich makes it even more crazy. You think you are a child because ”Well my mom cooks for me and washes my clothes.” But thats not how it works. I mean when i was 8 yo or something, she already asked me to open the door if a stranger ringed the doorbell. That then become my responsibility, even tho it made me anxious to having to do it. I think the mindf*ck is that my mother rewarded me by being the parent. She would indeed literally say something like ”Oh you are such an old soul”. Or that i’m so smart and wise for my age. I think i still don’t get how toxic she actually is.. i don’t know. Its as if felt like that ”rewarding” behaviour of her and confused that with ”connection”. Her emeshment feels like ”intimacy”, but its not. And i had no friends or other connection with other people. So almost the ONLY source of emotional connection and intimacy, was with a borderline mother who did not allow me to be a child. And next to that i have autism. Makes sense how i feel like i’m nobody and have no identity.
As the mom of a family who honestly loves her children but inadvertently helped create an enmeshed family system, I’m sad and regretful. I wish I could go back and redo things but I wouldn’t know how. I want to do better now with my grown children. Is it ever too late? And how can I begin to create a safe space for my family when we come together?
Thank you Dr Sage🙏🏻The article is a great summary of Enmeshment and the enormous challenge to separate out from those relationships. I came from an enmeshed family system. Both my patents have passed away and it was not until this happened that I could really feel safe enough to see the full extent of my own trauma from the enmeshment. I am still working through all the growth phases. I find that coping with other people’s reaction of displeasure to a boundary is the hardest. My reaction to their displeasure is so embodied. Like it is triggering that inner child who realised that if I don’t please or merge, I will not survive. It is the inner child lost in the distant past but the Amygdala is firing and telling my body I am in danger right now. As you say, PolyVagal work and being mindful is helpful in the moment when you just want to protect and calm that inner child to feel safe again by following the old wiring of merging and pleasing. It takes time and patience and constant self compassion for this work of healing. Your articles are a great companion for this. Many thanks 🙏🏻
When I went to college, my mom made me promise to call her every single day, which I actually did for 4 years but I was highly resentful the entire time. I even communicated to her that I did not want to do this repeatedly. She would always tell me it’s just a small ask of me and it’s because she cares and wants to know I’m okay. Now I am married and have moved out. She’ll ask for a phone call once a week. It’s only once a week but I feel like I’m getting flashbacks to the college phone calls.
Yes, this is so helpful! Thank you for clarifying what enmeshment is which is still sometimes confusing for me! The thought of repercussions by even cutting phone conversations short strikes fear in my heart. It’s a good point that learning how to tolerate the guilt and the displeasure coming your way when you set boundaries is key, because we all know it’s coming.
Dr. Sage – I’ll admit that I had my doubts when I happened upon this article. But it is excellent! In language that is easy to understand, you explain enmeshment so that it is clear. You come across as an approachable, humble person. And you give realistic advice on how to heal from the trauma. Well done Kim!!
Thank you dr Sage🌸 This enmeshment can go on until one of two die. I knew of three women in their 50s, emotionally hijacked by their narcissistic/borderline mothers their entire life. They never had a chance to separate and individuate, have their own life, children. Those mothers create crazy making situations, and require all focus on tending to their needs. Sadly, once I knew what this grip was, I removed myself from their stories. Do not wish to be part of the triangulation game. Wish you well in all you do🍀 🌸💜🌟💎
Thank you Dr. Sage! So many questions and unknowns were answered for me in your article! At 18 I went on an extended stay in Florida to see my brother and made friends with my brother and sister in law. Went home to get my things and go back to live. My parents forbid it. I was too scared to argue with them so I gave up that dream. Five months later I moved in with my boyfriend. They disowned me! They never told their friends where I really was. My mother had Borderline and my father was rageful. Thus began the adult phase of the enmeshment. I lived my life. They disowned me. When I was a teenager, my mother gave me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. Until I was completely lost in guilt and anxiety.
Yeah me too. Since my parents marriage went sour and mom & I moved out when I was 16. Its like she owns me, and gets a say in all my choices. Gotta see that documentary. Brook’s book on postpartum was a big help. How I really feel? I don’t like my mom, and I resent the pressures she’s placed on me, and the manipulation she has silently worked on me for her own gain, her own selfish needs, and then turned around and called me selfish. I don’t like her as a person. I used to think I could or would never separate from my mother. She was my best friend and that nothing could ever separate us, but her husband managed to do it, pry the two of us apart. And when my dad died, my entire thinking turned on its head. Mom was surprised too cuz she never thought anything could damage our relationship. I used to talk to her every day and shared almost everything with her, and now I am at the cusp of going virtually non-contact. I’m not going to send her a birthday card for the first time ever. That will show her that I am serious about this particular boundary. That she has indeed done something wrong. And I think she subconsciously did this because she wanted to break free. I think our relationship has put strain on both of us. I know I used her, knowing she could never say no to me. I forced her to be BFFs with me. She was my easy ticket, but she used it as a get in free card, a backstage pass behind my boundaries. And now she’s done the one thing I can never forgive.
Love all your articles! Very calming and informative. I would love it if you would make a article series about how to handle borderline or narcissistic parents who are disabled and/or elderly. I feel like being a caretaker for a parent who is like this adds another confusing layer. I can’t find many articles on how to handle bpd or npd, difficult parents when you’re in a caregiving role. I feel like it’s harder to have boundaries. My mom is severely disabled and demands that us, her family, do everything to take care of her, even though we are struggling so much. She needs much greater care than we can give her. But she doesn’t care how hard it is on us. She says basically it’s our duty to take care of her, but her definition of us taking care of her is very narrow. It’s killing our family.
Thank you Dr. Sage. I had all this, and then my Enmeshed/narcissistic mother told me I was adopted at 12(only to head off an older jealous sibling who hated me was going to) but said this is our secret, and no one must ever know(as she was crying). Needless to say Thats when I snapped,basically dissociated. Started having anxiety and panic attacks, etc…Ive never let myself have real happiness or be successful(sabotage when it gets good)since then. My thought process at the time was, “If Im happy, my mom will die”. I think also, it was “if I accept this reality then my whole world will crumble, or if I accept the truth then it will hurt mom”. So I had to shove down the whole truth of who I was. I guess, Im writing this, because I would love if you could touch on the subject of adoption and the narcissistic/enmeshed mother if you could. I know I have CPTSD from this and more, and keep peeling layers away it seems everyday. Thank you again for your important work.
Wow so well put.I felt this in my core how you said this perfect idk om amazed!Im Takeing steps to Stop this cycle with my parents its so intense but its worth it.holy moly the most validation ever !! This is how I feel! I’ve never heard it put like this..thank you with everything in me.I feel so seen felt like you were talking to me
I can’t tell you how much it makes my day to have your articles pop through so often Dr Sage! ❤ I just love your passion and authenticity. This series reaonates so much. The sad realisation for me is that over 2 decades after my dads death, I’m still living out the patterns and his imagined responses from above. I love the tips towards goals, I need to let go of being the agreeable, considerate caretaker and learning to be ok when people aren’t happy with me or my own choices. I’m so concious of not passing this on to my teens.🙏
Just listening to your honesty in describing the symptons and causes of enmeshment is healing in itself. l was lucky in that my mother was really loving and caring and brought me up as her child and really enjoyed her role as a mother However, she came trom a large family and one particular sister was very jealous and damaged and tried to guilt trip and enmesh my mother. Just to point out that enmeshment can come from other family members I think you are doing a great job in helping people change qnd grow. Very diwn to earth Keep up the good work Dr Sage. ❤
Wow. I’m in a relationship with someone who has this across the board in his relationships – aunt, daughter, work and I just found out a past partner who he seems to have strong feelings of obligation to and that has thrown me. And unknowingly a few weeks ago – I pointed out he’s got to care for himself and he was defensive about how he and why he cares for them. Thank you for what you do- there is so much to this and your passion to provide knowledge and support is invaluable. And of course the compassion is moving. It breaks my heart to know what so many people have been through. I said the other day – Unreal yet Real. 🙏❤️
My case isn’t as intense as a lot of others seem to be, but I definitely recognize some signs of that in my mom. She’s one of the most important people in my life and she’s a lovely person. But I am realizing she has a fairly anxious attachment style. She’s expressed multiple times that I’m her best friend and she thinks about me and worries about me all the time. She does call me nearly every day (and I always feel guilty ending the conversation). Every time I came back from some kind of overnight school trip, I could feel this intense relief from her and a desperation for my presence. I felt so deeply ashamed for following my own goals and moving out for college. I kept having to remind myself that I’m not “making her” feel bad and being selfish. She’s pretty good about not giving me too hard of a time when I make decisions for myself, but I still just feel the pressure from her
This is very good insightful information. So right in our current family situation I’m the mom needing to do this work and my kids are 11 and 16. I can see some of these cycles mentioned here running in our family/ their family of origin that have come from my experience as a child. So I’m questioning how the move forward in our situation. Do I do the work suggested here on identity development and present this to them maybe as preventative care to do the same work. Or is this geared more to adult children. I would rather get to it now when it’s not so established as it would for them when they are adults. More preventative care measures for them. Thank you for this vital information not only for me and my family but for my clients as well. I’m a therapist. Thank you again ❤
I could us a therapist like yourself. I have been emotionally enmeshed, then was in a ten year relationship with a narcissist. I am currently living with a narcissist, and this individual is spinning the story to blame me. I already grew from this behavior. What you said above about we tend to do what we learned from them, that’s how I know. I realized at the end of that 10 year abusive relationship that I was starting to act like my mother and the not good side of my then girlfriend. The same thing happened with this roommate. I allowed there behavior to gaslight me, but instantly knew I should talk it out, figure out why I was angry with him, and move on. My boyfriend does not believe me, even though my godmother who is a licensed therapist is telling him the same things I am. I recognize it because I’ve lived this abuse, and I’ve exhibed these same behaviors until I learned it was wrong. A good therapist is all I’m looking for. If not you specifically, a reaurce/recommendation for a personal therapist would be great. If you read through all of this much love and thanks! ❤
I was infantilised and treated as I was useless. I had no energy to build a life outside the family, and so…I was not allowed to help but always felt guilty about that. I know understand that it was very controlling, because in general I am happy to help and very curious. Now I live in another country. My mother’s caregivers are my father and brother, and soon they will have to get help from a professional. I suffer with depression and general anxiety…I was thinking about going and visiting my mom, staying for a month ( doing Home office) . I don’t think it’s a good idea …I would have no role, I would feel useless … just triggers. I will visit her in a couple of months…
My mom was just neglectful and still is, like I don’t exist She let her dad verbally abuse me since I was 5 until he died and then trained my older son to hate me. Now she has left me in an apartment after I left an abusive exremely abusive relationship and have nothing and she enables my older son and he is going down a bath path he lives with her and acts like he hate me: I raised ky 2 boys all on my own/ worked and went to college. I’ve been my moms parent. I have no support and she doesn’t care if my son beats me she rewards him
My female partner is enmeshed w her mom. I know and see her texting her over and over every single day and up until they say goodnight. And she does this choosingly and I have brought it up as abnormal and she’d get angry in defense of that dynamic. Plus she drives an hour away to see them every week and her mother doesnt have a license and my partner drives her around for errands as if she is somehow obligated to. But she does that so willingly even though she is enabling her mom’s bad and odd behavior. My partner acts like what she is doing is totally normally, but I feel she hasn’t had a chance to develop a sense of self.
I was always very enmeshed with my mum. I have a disorganized attachment style and am currently trying to heal. My parents had a toxic relationship with infidelity and fighting but stayed together. My dad has always been very emotionally immature/emotionally unavailable. I remember when i was little maybe 6, he came into my room before bed and told me mum doesnt love him anymore. He would drive is to school and rag on her the whole way when they still lived together. I finally live without either of them but sometimes i feel like id be relieved when they die so i never have to listen to either of them again about their shitty relationship.
I actually worked this out for myself. I still working on it some things are harder so you can do it people !! I have always even when I was a kid I would tell my mom well I not you I’m me and I’m raising my daughter to know it’s ok if she doesn’t like things I like or want to be her own person she not my right arm .!! But some things I wouldn’t like if she wanted to move to England, Scotland or Spain too far away for me. If I couldn’t see her I don’t think I would really be happy with that.
Omg I didn’t realise that I had this until perusal your article my so called mother got me to sleep in her bed with my younger sister and she had some sort of hold over me she hated me when I was younger I latter worked out she wasn’t my real mother I have cptsd neglected as a child and suffered so much trauma I had kids I always treated them as adults when they were younger because I wanted them to be grown up before they were but I think it was because I was so lonely as a child but they all have there own lives now I don’t expect them to do anything for me and have always told them I’m here if you need me
My bf is enmeshed with his aged mom & dad. She is extremely protective of him. She inteterferes in our relationship so much. I have had to step back from both of them. They have realized it is too much. She is 92 yrs old and has a lot of PTSD and talks about it incessantly. She tires me. I am trying to continue with my bf. It is very complicated….
I always have mixed feelings about your articles because they seem to talk about my situation with my parents but sometimes they are the opposite. I am in an enmeshed situation with my parents and I’ve been my mother’s therapist since I learned how to talk. But since I was little, I was very oppositional and I ended up doing most of what they told me to do, but putting up a fight. That labeled me as the difficult child and gave me a huge sense of guilt and shame. So I am very enmeshed with them, but I always tried to separate from that and fight back, which only made me end up with health problems, no money, anxiety issues and depending economically on them. I am also half deaf now, what makes things even more difficult. So I was really parentified and enmeshed by my needy parents? They provided with everything but emotional support. How can I improve my situation if I cannot even have a job and I am completely broken inside?
Do you have any articles on the opposite occurring? My daughter is 21 and she emotionally dumps everything on me . She also doesn’t drive ( she has anxiety and bipolar ) . She’ll leave me alone and let me live my life until she fights with her boyfriend . Then suddenly I’m expected to stop all my plans and routines to be her emotional support human. I’m sick and tired of it . She still lives with me . She gets very upset and makes me text her boyfriend from her phone because ” you always have the right words” and of course being that I’m 39 the boy comes around again and doesn’t dump her and gives her another chance . I’m afraid to not be with her during these times because she starts hinting at being in a dark place and she just needs someone and starts crying and shouting if I won’t lay in the bed with her and watch the Barbie movie with her while she cries about her fight or breakup. If I leave she starts shouting and crying and causes a lot of friction between me and my live in boyfriend saying ” ever since he moves back in you never spend time with me anymore like old times ” she’s talking about when she was 15 and we would go to the dollar store and grab a bunch of candy and watch movies together🙄. I’m sick of her. I’m sick of her face. I’m sick of her voice. I’m sick of her smell( she smells like a bag of marajuana and coconut hair gel ). Im finding myself more and more depressed during the times she’s spiraling becaue that means I must spiral too. That means I can’t go to Zumba, I can’t play my article games, I can’t go for walks, I can’t cook and meal prep unless she’s involved somehow because the girl doesn’t know how the heck to handle her own challenges, her own obstacles, her own relationships with out my hand up her butt making her a sock puppet .
I would love to hear THE OPPOSITE SIDE of this situation. When you provided a “fairytale” childhood, THEY SAY TO THEIR THERAPIST, but they have almost zero up to zero depending on which child, concern, nor feel a lick of responsibility to the parent. Boom, all needs were met, great childhood, goodbye. AS an only child of a very alcoholic single mother, who yes, held a little job, but had good reason, from childhood to husbands to be destroyed, destroyed my childhood, like a maniac, after leaving me with nannies, at 6 up kept me apparently as her caregiver and target, although I WAS damaged, at 21 I read maybe 50 or more self help books, got my brain straight, raised 4 kids and a nice narcissist French guy, worked 16 hours a day, had a live in nanny, took my mother in for 13 years until she died, taught kids to work, had a barn yard, horses, 4’H, helped at the fair, gave then lessons, and apparently made them so independent that they feel none of the GUILT or NEED to even know me, let alone help AND WORSE, none of them has ever allowed me to have visits with 13 grandchildren based on WRONG RELIGION, TRUMP CULT, WRONG POLITICS, whatever. 13 grandchildren, 1 dead, so 12 and I was divorced/ alone, had funds to take kids traveling, but I WAS AM SHUNNED. The INJUSTICE is beyond any logic. And THEY FEEL NO GUILT SHAME REMORSE COMPASSION EMPATHY. Hummmm, seems I was too much about them, and of course my mother until her last breath, and other elderly I helped, took in a mental cousin, still taking care of his life, and my children literally can’t compliment my music, my poetry, painting, all things I do to NOT BE THE MOTHER YOU DESCRIBE HEREIN, rarely help, very rarely, albeit only one lives near.
God can I relate to so many things you said in this article. I feel such a connection with you. I would love to connect with you in person one day if that’s ever some thing that can happen. We have a lot in common 🫶🏻 Thank you so much for these incredibly helpful and informative articles that you’re helping millions of people with.
I have learned co-depenents have this complusion to over-explain…I do this all the time. Over-explaining and hyper-vigilance. I have worn myself out with it all, LOL. It also didn’t help that I have been a special ed teacher for two decades and am so accustomed to repeating the same information in as many ways as possible. I am re-training myself to say things only once now and to be silent and just let consequences happen if necessary as long as I know the person said they understood me. I was so invalidated and enmeshed by my mother for four decades that I automatically assume people do not understand me and try to prove I am worthy of being “seen” and “heard”. I grieved for a month when I realized this about myself and why I have the issues that I do. It has been a very liberating healing journey thus far…a journey I will be on the rest of my life. I turn 50 in a few months and have pledged to myself that by time I turn 50 I will be able to start a new chapter.
I love the wine analogy! I come from a very enmeshed family, I had no idea until a few years ago, and it just seemed like my family was completely normal while I had so much confusion and low self esteem and inability to keep relationships. My therapist had a really great analogy. She said that growing up it’s like being in a zoo with no cages or fences, and the tigers and lions are just roaming around everywhere. We need boundaries!
Very insightful. My mother and grandmother were extremely enmeshed. I see the physical, emotional, and physical consequences in my mom. Naturally, this affected me as well as my mother didn’t understand how unhealthy it was and carried on the patterns. She saw it as closeness. I felt suffocated. As much as I’ve tried to educate myself and have awareness, I’ve still had behaviors and made choices out of these wounds. Thank you for a truthful and informative article.
This is probably the best article on YouTube and describes the dynamics in my family perfectly. My mom does not get along with her mother in law and would dump her trauma on me constantly growing up while also isolating me from my father’s family, expressing that theyre evil. She would always complain that she didn’t feel accepted by my father’s family and that she yearned for a warm, welcoming family. Something she didn’t have, as she lost her parents early. Once I was older and I suggested to have a talk with my grandmother to talk things out, she actually said she didn’t want that because she feared she would lose me. While I empathise with my mom’s situation to a certain extent, her repeated trauma dumping has become very annoying.
I’m enmeshed. So many of these are both of us. I’m learning who I am and learning to separate my memories and emotions from theirs and this is great insight into all of that. I’m also working on my mind/body relationship, healing my ulcers and too-soon oncoming menopause. I never thought the genes are activated by environment but it makes sense.
34:40 and onward, that is my mom, and my dad. totally. Everything is about them. Even between them, they take everything the say to each other, so personally. I used to make peace between them ALWASY, but then now in my early 40s, I have become exhausted of mothering them, they are 70+ and I am not their mother, I am tired. So no I just let them say anything to each other, do anything, i am like, yeah, you are adults, you know best what you do, what you say.
This is great content! I am in an enmashed relationship with my mum. I was stupid enough to get her involved in my life even I had my own family. Such a mistake…living together for 10 years, it costs my marriage and my motherhood for my only daughter as she was soooo involved with my daughter, and what I was saying doesn’t make any difference. I finally moved to another city, but she was sick, so I had to move her to live with me again. She has her husband, but she doesn’t want to live with her husband but loves living with me. I just don’t know how we can live the way it is. I wish her can find herself, and take control of her own life!
I’m 7 minutes into the article and it startled me as soo as you mentioned being nice. I came to that conclusion just yesterday. i thought to myself,. I’m nice and pleasant to be around I’m told. Probable because Negative emotions are forbidding because mama will be upset. Cant have that now can we. I also can build and repair anything too. The best of all is I have been groomed to have no needs or at least incapable of expressing them. This is my currency. I don’t know how to take of myself. I think I’m almost a complete dependent. Hi my name is Cal, I am 39 and I am mothers emotion support surrogate and her son-husband Although they rarely call me by my name. they call me son. I think that mean slave or something. Its disgusting. I’m glad i cam across your channal. I made the mistake of coming bake home to get back on my feet. I dont think Im allowed to leave. This has to be a nightmare. How do I wake up? I want to wake up! Everything your saying is absolutely true. Im living it.
I haven’t heard anyone mention personalization in enmeshment before — I’m so grateful you brought it up! Absolutely going through this right now; it’s like I can’t say anything about anything without it coming back to be twisted into an insult I hurled at this person, when that was literally never stated. I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around how and why this keeps happening with this relative, and now it’s so much easier to see and contextualize. Not sure how to deal with it, but at least I can put a name to it. Thank you.
Damn……I love listening and learning and relearning this stuff you share. So much awareness in your articles. The prisoner part….yes!!!!! I was trained to be a slave. I had two choices……to allow myself to be violated or face complete abandonment and death. The hardest thing I’m learning to do is to sit and just BE with myself. 😨😨😭😭😭😭. Jesus, anyway, everything you mention, I have been or done or am still working on…..ughhhhhh….
thnaks for the insights man, def helps make some realizations. at 31 i am realizing so much about my upbringing. My family, the inabilities i have struggled with my entire life in detaching, forming my own sense of self etc. Have struggled to maintain friendships, intimate relationships and so much this really opens my eyes too. Parents not very social people and growing up i was always the family comedian, i feel it is a lifetime of running and trying to find my true self when feeling i a supposed to be a certain way. Def always kind of felt like black sheep of family. the alien. Am going through alot of deep work and healing currently with childhood traumas, feeling the needs of being validated by everyone etc. very sad but needed. Thanks for the vids!
Thank you for all your hard work… I’ve learned so much… and love the color purple… the fact that you’ve experienced estrangement from a child of yours.., brings such authenticity to your message ….. & I get to see that some parents DO the work to see how they screwed up! Own it.. and do better from that point on… does it result in a reunion? Not necessarily – but you help so many others… there’s no better use of the lessons…..
I was enmeshed with my kids and husband. I have two autoimmune diseases. I have bad genes, too. Getting sick didn’t give me my power back. The body keeps score. I have childhood trauma. I think because I wasn’t allowed to be my authentic self, and it made me sick. I was enmeshed with my parents and siblings. I became a nurse. I took care of everyone else. I did EMDR, internal family systems, and DBT.
I find your content very helpful- mostly. And it’s definitely brought my comfort in my healing process. I definitely disagree that ALL illness is caused or cured by unresolved childhood trauma. I also personally know fat people who are happy, whole and not avoidant. Thought I’d share that perspective that these things might not be as black and white as they seem to you. Thanks for all the useful information!
Thank you. I recognized myself. I took to My husband man that I didn’t deeply apreciate. I am appreciated usually, I get along easily both men and women, but I fear intimacy. I had a thought, that at least he loves me.I hate to ask help. I love sport, and it is very difficult to me take time for myself, although My daughters are teenager. I always explain it is my back that needs practising. But truly I just want to feel and look better Now I’m trying to recover, get information. I Ask fom myself which things do I like. I think that my Life is my property and I dont let here just anybody.
I think it would be wise, sir, to put a disclaimer with regard to your medication comment. I mean this will all sincerity! People could internalize the medication is a placebo and take themselves off with severe consequences. I say this in your favor. God bless you for exposing the TRUTH ❤ love your wisdom and thankful you freely share!
This is the second article I’ve seen of yours now. I realized a while back that I am 100% enmeshed with my mother as a 37 year old man. perusal this further confirms it and makes me want to self delete because i feel hopeless and like I’ll never escape it nor become anything of value. Life feels pointless. I have no one to help, no friends, no family that would see the situation with my mother or even care if they did, a diagnosed BPD gf that’s even worse to deal with and that I can’t escape so i don’t see any other way out of this misery.
However, as a therapist at times, I do recommend medication only because I know that the persons mind is not open to these truth so sometimes the medication is more helpful, if it is something minor non-addictive than not doing anything for the person. That’s the only time that I suggest an antidepressant is because I know the person is not capable of seeing the truth and I feel it’s better for them to be at least on a medication than nothing
Kenny i would love to share a testimony with you,i have been perusal you articles for about 5 years i think ive lost count,i started applying the heal the hurt in my life it was very rough at first didn’t want to go down this path,but as i kept listening over and over, i began to see a part of me I had lost,i began to understand feelings where they came from,i had a divorce 2015 i was broken few years later i found you material,i feel like ive been to college took a course on me, my x wife lives in a small town in Tennessee,my daughter and my family live un the same town i currently live in Arizona, as i begin to visit my family me and my x would begin to talk,i would remember what you would teach about,the worst day cycle,i begin to see things so different,hear things different understand thingd differently,this last trip my x Robin are planning to reconcile our marriage we where married 17 divorced for 9 years and are engaged to be married the 24th of this month, I wanted to thank you Kenny for your material it has changed my life my prayer is God blesses you for all you’ve done thank you Kenny
I had to learn: 1 Corinthians 6:13a AMPC Food (is intended) for the stomach and the stomach for food, but God will finally end (the functions of) both and bring them to nothing. — ●”Comfort-food”: Food is not for comfort…the God of all comfort is for comfort. ●”Soul-food”: Food is not for the soul (mind, will, emotions)…Truth, Trust, Comfort are for the soul. ●Food is not for boredom…find something to do!
Wow, the example of typing out a novel to say “thank you” could have come from my own life! I’ve made a concerted effort to stop, take account of myself, and to just say thank you more modestly… but the enmeshed family (sibling) DOES feel that I’m being rude when I do that, never mind my own efforts to convince myself that a simple “thank you so much” is sufficient. Any advice for when the enmeshment is kind of clinging to you even as you try to disengage from it, but you keep getting attacked and vilified for it? I know we’ve all got abandonment wounds, but I can’t be attached emotionally at the hip anymore… 😮💨
“Some humans may have one or several favorable qualities that are well-developed, but because of the multidimensional nature of humans no individual can be denoted as perfect, flawless, or unequivocally without fault. All humans are imperfect. ” All these articles make me realize that all people are fucked one way or another. So there’s no such thing as the right ( correct way) because what one sees as abuse and overprotective etc, those people guilty of it, really truly means well for their kids and sees it differently unless they are aware and do it with malicious intend. Maybe they are like this because they never had it growing up, and vow to not let their child feel unloved. Ugh, its hard being a human. All the blame goes to the parents and it’s sad because in schools, we are being forced to not show emotions, our side doesn’t matter, the bully gets away with it etc, I don’t think parents should take all the blame. Some people just have issues not because of parents, but because of who they themselves are.