Children raised in intact married families are more likely to attend college, have better physical and emotional health, and are less likely to be physically or sexually abused, use drugs or alcohol, commit delinquent behaviors, have a decreased risk of divorcing when they get married, become pregnant/impregnate someone as a teenager, and be raised in poverty. Research indicates that children raised by married parents do better than children raised by single parents because married parents tend to have more time, money, and emotional bandwidth to invest in raising their children.
Almost half of all babies born in the U.S. are born to unmarried mothers, which is not good for children. A study found that parents’ marriage quality influenced children’s values in the following ways: When parents’ marital quality was high, adult children were less likely to have high values. Children living with their married, biological parents consistently have better physical, emotional, and academic well-being.
On average, children who grow up in families with both their biological parents in a low-conflict marriage are better off in a number of ways. Parents help shape their thinking about potential mates and help shape their thoughts about relationships and marriage. They often have serious problems including addiction and mental illness, so they don’t relieve stress for their children.
Married parents were more likely to have boys and have children with less difficult temperaments than cohabiting parents. Studies show that staying in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage can adversely affect children’s emotional well-being, leading to lower graduation rates, higher rates of incarceration, and more children of their own.
📹 Marriage Isn’t for the People Who Are Married, It Is for the Children
#JordanPeterson #JordanBPeterson #DrJordanPeterson #DrJordanBPeterson #DailyWirePlus #BigBrothersBigSisters …
Are people happier after divorce?
A study found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than those who stayed married. Divorce did not typically reduce depression symptoms, raise self-esteem, or increase mastery. Divorce or separation is likely the best outcome in a destructive marriage. When considering happiness after divorce, consider who makes the decision, who envisions a better time ahead, and gender differences. If you were the one who decided to divorce, you likely believe it will lead to a happier life. Research has shown that outcomes differ for men and women.
What is a silent divorce?
Silent or invisible divorce refers to a situation where a married couple remains legally married but ends their emotional and physical relationship, living separate lives under the guise of a normal marital relationship without the formal process of a legal divorce. This can involve minimal interaction or leading completely separate lives while maintaining the legal status of marriage. Identifying these signs can be challenging, as they often emerge slowly over time.
Key indicators of a silent divorce include a lack of communication, which can turn shared dreams and emotions into mundane tasks. Identifying these signs is crucial for couples to address the issues in their relationship or begin the healing process of legal separation.
At what age is a child most affected by divorce?
Divorce is a difficult experience for children of all ages, with elementary school age (6-12) being the hardest for them to handle. This is because they are old enough to remember the good times from a united family. Divorce is not something you typically expect or plan for, and hundreds of thousands of couples split each year in the United States. Parents should consider their children’s well-being and try to make the divorce work for them until they understand.
Divorce affects children of all ages, with elementary-age children being the hardest. If a couple decides to separate, it may be best to know that children are resilient and there are strategies to ease the associated emotions.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Walkaway wife syndrome is a condition where a wife becomes emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied with her marriage, often after years of resentment. This decision is not impulsive, but rather a result of feeling neglected and unhappy within the relationship. Identifying warning signs of walkaway wife syndrome can help address the root issues and potentially save the marriage from the same fate. One of the most common signs is a stark emotional withdrawal from the marriage, with the wife feeling distant and disconnected from her partner.
Why married parents are important for children?
Marriage is a significant factor in the well-being and education of children. Children raised in intact married families are more likely to attend college, have physical and emotional health, and are less likely to be physically or sexually abused, use drugs or alcohol, commit delinquent behaviors, have a decreased risk of divorcing when they get married, become pregnant/impregnate someone as a teenager, and are less likely to be raised in poverty.
Gender-specific support from having a mother and a father is essential for the development of boys and girls. Research shows that particular roles of mothers (e. g., to nurture) and fathers (e. g., to discipline) are important for the development of boys and girls. A child living with a single mother is fourteen times more likely to suffer serious physical abuse than a child living with married biological parents.
In married families, about one-third of adolescents are sexually active. However, for teenagers in stepfamilies, cohabiting households, divorced families, and those with single unwed parents, the percentage rises above one-half. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the chance that children themselves will divorce or become unwed parents.
Church teaching and pastoral response emphasize the importance of married parental love in the education of children in faith, love, and wisdom. Pope Benedict XVI and Pope John Paul II have emphasized the value of married parents for children’s well-being and Christian formation.
A committed marriage is the foundation of a family, strengthening all members, providing best for the needs of children, and making the church of the home an effective sign of Christ in the world. The stable, loving relationship of a mother and father “present only in marriage” provides the best conditions for raising children.
In conclusion, social science research shows clear advantages when children are raised by two married parents. This does not diminish the exemplary efforts of many single parents, but encourages pastoral leaders to promote loving, faithful, and committed marriages as the best gift that parents can give to their children.
Is it better to stay together for the kids?
Staying together can provide children with stability and security, while an unhealthy marriage can negatively impact their emotional well-being. Divorce, while disruptive in the short term, can offer a healthier and happier environment for the family in the long run. It reduces conflict, offers personal growth, and allows parents to have more freedom. Parents who prioritize self-care and healthy relationships set their children up for success in both personal and future relationships.
This article aims to help parents make informed decisions that prioritize their children’s health and happiness, whether they’re navigating the complexities of divorce or considering staying together.
What year of marriage is divorce most common?
The occurrence of divorce is more prevalent during the initial two years of marriage and the fifth to eighth years of marriage, with the seventh and eighth years being particularly susceptible to marital dissolution. This phenomenon can be attributed to the concept of the “7-year itch,” which posits that marriages are more susceptible to dissolution during the seventh and eighth years of the union. However, the data on divorce years and the riskiest phases is limited, and further research is needed to elucidate the reasons behind this average duration preceding divorces.
What is the lonely wife syndrome?
Walkaway wife syndrome is a term used to describe a sudden and unexpected separation from a deteriorating marriage, often resulting from feelings of loneliness, neglect, and resentment. This often occurs after years of unresolved conflict, leading to a divorce. The wife, having taken time to consider all her options and prepare mentally, emotionally, and financially, decides it’s futile to leave the marriage after unsuccessful attempts to resolve their relationship issues. This sudden and emotional separation can shock family and friends and shock the other spouse.
How can marriage affect children?
Unhappy marriages can significantly impact children’s mental health, leading to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and depression. This trauma can affect adult interactions and may result in resentment towards the upbringing and the belief that parents were deceptive. Children may struggle with developing healthy emotional skills and communication patterns in emotionally distant or hostile environments. They can also sense when their parents are unhappy, even if they try to hide it, leading to people-pleasing behavior. This pattern can be difficult to break and can hinder children from reaching their full potential, as they prioritize others’ needs over their own.
What are the hardest years of marriage with kids?
The period between the fifth and eighth years of marriage is regarded as a particularly high-risk phase, due to the necessity of caring for young children, the challenge of balancing domestic responsibilities with professional obligations, and the potential for emerging differences and resentments between partners.
How does having married parents affect a child?
The extant literature indicates that children born to married parents tend to have superior life outcomes. This finding aligns with that of previous studies which have demonstrated that children raised in two-parent families are more likely to graduate from high school, obtain employment, and have fewer children, experience less depression, and be convicted of criminal offenses at a lower rate.
📹 Happily Divorced vs. Unhappily Married – Which is Better for Kids?
You’re in a conversation and someone says, “Children are better off with happy divorced parents than they are with parents in an …
When my husband decided to become a crack addict and abandoned us after we had our two children after 25 years of marriage, I told my very young children that God PROMISED to be father to the father-less. It was not easy raising them as a single mother, but I also knew to call on the name of God everyday. HE PROMISED NEVER TO FORSAKE US. My children are now grown and I could not be more proud of them. They are loving, honest, hard workers and I feel so blessed everyday.
I never married or had children. I tell people (I am now 69) that I will die and hope to be buried in my backyard with my dogs. I will soon be forgotten. You will be remembered by the children you left behind and the quality of their lives will be a testament to the job that you have done as a parent.
What Dr. Peterson says is very true, I had a very good experience in my years as a Boy Scout troop leader in the 80s, I had children who came from single-parent families, and they brought them to me so that I could discipline as if I were their biological father, their mothers called me to complain about them. The most I could do was see them on Saturdays and some days a week, and advise them to follow the right path. Today many of those children are professional men and have families. I am married but I do not have natural children, but I have spiritual children who call me on Father’s Day. That is enough for me.
Something we have completely lost sight of in the modern western default family structure is the support of others — especially Stay-at-home moms. Many new moms don’t have any experience caring for babies until they have their own, and historically, they would have grown up helping older moms, and in turn, received help from aunties, cousins, sisters, etc. Instead, what I hear consistently from fellow moms is “I’m lonely, I’m exhausted, and I just want someone to hold the baby for a minute so I can take a shower.” Many moms in modern countries today are utterly isolated. PPD is extremely common. In areas where there is more community support (such as the traditions of intense postpartum care, “40 days,” etc.) PPD levels are very very low. It is unnatural for women to be thrown into parenting without any consistent support, to be isolated from adult society, and to lose any previous healthy hobbies and social life for years as she raises her children. Playdates do not provide the adult interaction these SAHMs need. It’s hard, but we need to re-structure our default to include regular, consistent support for moms.
I was raised with married parents until I was 10. I can remember what life was like with mom and dad in the home and what life felt like after. There is no comparison it is so much better for both parents to be in the home. When the divorce happened and dad had to move out it was awful. I can still see the pain in his eyes as he hugged me goodbye. For me the light went out. Home was the same address as before and I was still in the same room I’d always known but home wasn’t there anymore. At 10 its pretty dam hard to explain what that means or how I really felt. As when upset at school or church talking to some counselor when I just kept saying “I wanna go home” they’d say something stupid like oh ok well we’ll call your mom to come pick you up. They had no idea. The home I’d always known was nothing more than a cold empty house and I was on my own. 13yrs later I was married with a little girl and it all happened again. Somebody just wasn’t “Happy” and decided to destroy our home. I will never forget looking into my daughters eyes knowing dam well what was going to happen to her as it had me. I fell to my knees hugged her tightly and sobbed telling her how sorry I was I couldn’t stop it. I have pictures of her thru that time I can not look at as you can see her broken spirit. Rips ur guts out. That was 25yrs ago and her mother is so guilt riddled over it and won’t forgive herself. There was a 3rd marriage but mental illness took her away from us ending in yet another little one with a broken heart.
I grew up in a home with a father with anger issues. My parents always said that they did not separate because of us (me and my sisters). But he did far more damage in all those years of living with us, than a separation could have possibly done. So I’m not sure, marriage is not always for the children. A dysfunctional marriage is so much worse. Sometimes separation is for the children.
This is why I’m still in a “non relationship” relationship with the father of my kids. My predicament was either to move back home to a country where I have a big loving family and friends or continue to live where I don’t have a strong community but where my children will have a father. Ideally I would love us all to move back to where I feel at home but, the father does not want to move there ever. I only ever want to do what is right and best for my kids but, I am always second guessing myself and wondering if I’ve made the right choice.
Husband and wife is first relationship and it’s til death do us part so if we only cherish our children and not each other that is a mistake. Children leave the nest ( as the Bible says to) and then we are left with a love for each other or we are left with a stranger. Marriage is for the man and wife. The children are our love, joy, responsibility, etc. They are not our marriage. They will one day have their own marriage.
Marriage is useful for parenting. One person tends to be the disciplinarian and it is helpful to have an opposing force questioning the other. It’s good to receive feedback on your parenting from the individual who loves your child as much as you do. Then you can have an opinion on their parenting as well. When the marriage dissolves, negotiations are over and you have no say in the parenting of your child, predators they’re exposed to while mom dates, conditions they live in.
While I agree with the point that marriage is for the children and that adults should smarten up and realize that and put the effort in to do what it takes to make the marriage work I still have my reservations. My mother always said that her and my dad only are together because of us kids and I’ve always felt a tremendous amount of guilt (I asked her this when I was 13) that it’s because of me they are forced to stay together regardless of the fact that they’re miserable together. I always wanted my parents to get divorced because they weren’t happy and so our household wasn’t happy, in fact it was and is a place of toxicity. The constant fighting and arguing I had to endure to listen to gave me an incredible amount of anxiety and looking back I do think we would have been better off if my parents did separate. Along the lines of what Mr. Peterson said here I do believe they should have just grown up and actually make the commitment to not only stay together but to really work at it and put the effort in because that’s what we truly deserved (my parents and myself included).
You made an excellent observation. When our daughter was a toddler she was like a walking baby doll. I could love on her, nurture, feed her, clean her, but my husband had to step in and distract her or tell her to come sit with him when she wouldn’t listen. It’s cruel that society pushes a mother to discipline when she’s in her loving and nurturing mode.
Marriage isn’t for the people who are married but for the children only? This is nonsense. Is marriage an institution that Jordan Peterson cooked up himself? If your marriage is built around your children only and not a commitment of love to one another, then you’re not doing your children any favors. Many marriages fall apart as soon as the kid are out of the house because the contract terms have ended. He is totally wrong on that one.
As a child I got to choose who to stay with at 4 years old. At four I knew the parent that looked after me the best. I picked my Mum. I made the right decision. Mothers are so selfless when they are good mum’s. They go without to provide for their child/children. My Step Dad is a hero. My daughter’s father and I have been together for 22 years. Our bond is our daughter. I don’t need a piece of paper for commitment. We both want the best for our daughter. We are not married. But we are more than committed to giving our child the best life. ♥️
As someone who could not have children and who was then too old to adopt back in the 80s. it breaks my heart to see so many children not nurtured in the family as someone precious. They are totally the responsibility of the parents to guide until they are old and mature enough to find their own way in life. So many people, such as my own father, should never marry and/or have children as they are not cut out for such a role in life. I do not advocate staying within a marriage or partnership as it is now referred to, if violence of any type is present. The children suffer terribly through this, not just the parents. In a generation we will see more of the damage that is occurring now with this new form of family, if not before.
This is where one of the Ten Commandments “Honor the Father and Mother” comes into play. Essentially, parents that take care of their offspring, and potentially other children that are not blood related as a family unit, that concept is sacrosanct for a good society. It is for the children and for the parents alike, to support each other, support the children, children hold respect for the honorable parents, etc. When it fails on a broad scale, the earthly authority gains too much power over the spirits and minds of the young, for whom they have no familial feelings for whatsoever and can see them as a means to an end of obtaining their own individual desire. This is another part of Orwell’s 1984, where nepotism is essentially eliminated due to it being a problem where a person would potentially put the advancement of their family over the good of the Party. While nepotism is not particularly a positive thing a lot of the time in various situations, it is seriously what keeps us from sliding completely into complete dystopia. (Perhaps the only thing among the ruling class, which are acting increasingly soulless by the day)
..I’m first born of 4 ( 2 girls, then 2 boys)..at 11 father killed in vehicle accident,….mother, UNSELFISHISHLY, SACRIFICIALLY worked 2+ jobs never about HER or what she was attempting to do, she lived/played w/ us, took us to worship our Great Creator God every week, and chance she had, included us in her work; as an 800 student, rural school janitor; delegating us to indiv responsibilities @ the school for ea day, BRILLIANT! (Probably would be outlawed in today’s time!) ..she en couraged my bros to be men!, played hard outside when responsibilities were complete, they both work very hard today..NEVER went on Government ( H&W, in US) help…so thankful for my mother!…..
I am single mother and yes, it’s much better to have 2 parents. I would add 2 GOOD parents. And also ONE good parent is BETTER than 2 bad ones! Or even than a bad and a good one because the bad could really be a problem for the “good” one. However being a singler mother it’s the hardest thing in the world. And yes marriage should be for the children. I regret not getting married before my pregnancy. Although my son is the biggest blessing in my life and I am so grateful for him.
~I rarely disagree with Jordan Peterson, but i think it is really important for children to see their parents having a life, and for them to be a good model of how to have a good relationship, how to be a good husband, and how to be a good wife~Kids thinking of their parents as only servants doesnt seem healthy to me?~
Typically I agree with Dr Peterson but not this time. This is the wrong message, one that made me feel so sick that I almost suicided. I knew I had to leave my marriage and for two years before I left I was a zombie, I became mentally and physically ill because my heart was telling me to leave but my head was going “what about the kids”?! I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t function, I had two breakdowns, and even with medication I had insomnia. This was the most difficult time for me because I was suffocating and dying inside. I did everything I possibly could to stay and it took me years before I left … but once I left all of my symptoms and issues resolved. Sometimes you HAVE to leave. Women (and men of course) have the right to divorce. I still have guilt over leaving- not because of my ex husband but my children but at least I’m not a zombie mum existing in the world but living.
Ideally children need both parents! Yes! But how often is abuse carried on for generations unless it is stopped? The dad of my children didnt want them, he said they were mine…he began to go crazy and it ended with his arrest and then divorce. I realized the importance of a father figure in my sons life so I asked the fathers of 3 of his friends to help with this. They all did. One family really stepped in to help and my son has become a wonderful man, husband and father…not abusive.
Question: so if a husband is a serial cheater and triggers mother into becoming a neurotic, resentful person, should she still stay with him and show her children that kind of blueprint for their future relationships? Or should they separate and parent children the best they can, without staying in that kind of marriage and living together?? Because, she is actually quite pleasant without that man as her husband…
But what about couples that reach a point of irreconcilable differences? Do they try to save the marriage for the sake of the kids, or is it better for both parties to break up? Of course that creates a custody nightmare, but seems like it might be better under certain circumstances like if the father is physically abusive or if one parent develops a chronic drug addiction and can no longer feasibly take care of the children.
Actually I have been married to my wonderful husband for 20 years. We don’t have kids and we are happily married for each other. When you marry be committed to love you share. Grow together. If you have kids, great! If not and you are both happy, great! I feel adult, we have jobs, pay taxes, own houses, and we even do charity work. He is stuck on “but ya gotta have a kid!” “You are not worth anything without a Kid.” How does he know what he could have been without a kid. He is in one camp and paints everyone different from him and his wife and kid as worthless. He isn’t god and he is quite full of bias opinions about it all.
I TOTALLY disagree. NOT that you have to be those selfish-type parents who regularly holiday without their children and generally treat them like pets… But you ABSOLUTELY have to nurture your relationship so that you still have “IT” after your children have flocked hurriedly out of the nest. Plus YES, TWO-parent families are CRUCIAL. A couple CHOSE each other. Children are at their mercy, and are owed the VERY BEST from EACH parent, and a loved and loving parent is the VERY BEST.
If a married man (or woman) has a moral imperative to remain married to his wife (or husband) in the event of children, is there still a moral obligation to remain faithful to his (her) spouse? In other words, what is worse – getting divorced when children are involved or staying married, but engaging in sexual affairs with other partners?
Jordan didn’t even answer the question. He mentions gangs, comic books as examples of fragmented or misdirected uses of fatherhood, but doesn’t offer an actual suggestion. Here’s mine: join a religious institution. There are many men in churches, synagogues, etc. who were great influences on me as a child when I had an absent/disconnected father. Or, you could direct the answer right back to the person asking…big brother/big sister can do that as well! As long as an appropriate big brother can be found.
Marriage that becomes a war zone is not good for children, and neither is it good for the adults. Those who stay too long in marriages that are volatile, often end up with blood on their hands, and one of them in prison for life. Marriage was a man-made pact, which at one time allowed men to OWN the women and children as their own property. If the parents can work through their inevitable disagreements amicably … then, and only then, is marriage good for children.
Marriage is not about children. A marriage without children is a complete family. It is a nice place to start if you do want children and it can be a healthy context in which to raise them. But if you are looking at the Judeo Christian marriage model it is a parallel between Christ and the Church. The church is called the bride of Christ. Kids offer a different way of understanding our relationship to God, that is God the creator, God the father.
Good for him, he spoke directly without degrading the single parent or adding to their burden! Yet, at the same time covered very, very briefly spectrums of truth in this. Previous generations understood this, but over the past few decades individuals have become so narcissistic that it has not been the case. Thankfully I was raised by a parent born during the great depression. A single parent home was difficult, but the one thing I innately understood as an adult (maybe from this experience, or more likely the grace of God) when I had children, was forever, it’s not about me anymore. Be careful, because with or without adversity, it is SO easy to become absorbed in surviving and fall into a narcissistic mode, with music and media completely undergirding it. Look to Christ. Seek Him with all of your heart and He says, you will find Him. In doing this, look to the Bible.
This is very obvious, but I think the romanticism of the last hundred years or so especially from Hollywood, has painted the picture of that marriage is about your own happiness. Every time that there is a historical movie or TV series, one of the common tropes is the sassy young girl that dashing young guy that doesn’t want to commit to getting married because they want to find a love match instead of marrying because its a religious and societal duty.
Jordan can you elaborate a bit more on once you have children the marriage is not about the couples, that that mean all the bond that the husband and the wife should have no long should be maintained much more than before, does not the fact that a couple who maintain their married relationship in intimacy love and beyond build a save haven that allows the child to feel secure knowing that mum and Dad are in Love – are not the couples in danger of development of roommate syndrome? After all once the kids leaven home what is left ?
has anyone pointed out yet that he never actually answered her question of what a daughter is supposed to do to find what she should have had if she’s missing a father figure? I usually agree with JP and respect his answers and views of things but I feel like his reply wasn’t clear and seemed to be more about other issues.
I know that my parents would have split apart a long time ago if it had not been for the fact that they have two children. I think having children made their lifes, especially that of my mom, much worse than it could have been. She was a woman with a very good job, she was totally free, and then she married my father. A year later she gave up her job, had her first child, and quite honestly, I don’t think she was ever truly happy in that life. Now she is 72, my brother and I have long moved out, we’re 42 and 38, and now my mom said that she would like her own place, because she and my father never were a good match. Now look at that. I already told her this as a 12 year old, when one of my greatest wishes was that my parents would just get divorced. This whole idea of having children and then staying together for the children -NO. You might get lucky, but you might also cripple yourself and waste your life. You have to live for you, first of all, and secondly, if you force yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, you will not be a very good parent anyway. I am married, have been so for 9 years now, and I chose to never have children. I think human babies are pretty ugly, I think pregnancy is gross, I do not want to share my money and time, lose my freedom, and a thousand other reasons. I married to be with my husband, and I am happy to be married and would always make that choice again. This is our marriage, and it will never be for or about someone else.
Father here. Marriage is not only for the children’s sake, believe me. Parents are given the opportunity to be the most important people in the face of earth for someone else during a considerable lapse of time. If you had the felicity of fulfilling that, you know that it is true. It is a lifetime opportunity. Sadly, so many people miss that particular point and neglect their own children, it they ever got them. It is not the point of the argument, but there are so many things buried in our past childhood and adolescence we can only revive by being present in the life and growth of our sons and daughters. The pleasure and the adventure of discovering the world for a second time, for to see it with the eyes of a child. People seem to have forgotten the biblical meaning of building a house. Something thus momentous that it transcends even the record of history. How many do not fill that particular void with a chase after a a career, a political orientation, a public persona, a reference group, an ideology – all but an ersatz to a yearning for a fulfilling more substantial; a yearning for love that only the pursuit of God can surpass. Yet how can we love that which we see not if we love not that which we see? God bless you all.
Wow this is the absolute worst advice for marriage. Objectively this is wrong and unbiblical. The Bible defines marriage, it’s purpose and it’s structure. Kids are a consequence of marriage, not the glue. Vows are the cement, not a child. The reason for marriage is to mimic Christ and the church, NOT just procreation. If a marriage is centered around children, which hollywood actually encourages, it is not Biblical and the head of the household needs to start loving his wife like he should. A pathetic man places his children above his wife. This is absolutely absurd that he is saying this and extremely dangerous. Place your spouse first. Not your children.
My parents were 100 % about each other. I always thought when I was younger that my mom would gladly off the kids if my dad asked. Honestly if he wasnt so still starved for attention from his own parents and siblings I think she wouldve. I believe fully that 2 grown, good parents are best, but sometimes there is no love, safety or guidance.
As a parent the things I have learned are that children need to be allowed to make mistakes. The parent needs to know when to shut up. The timing of words is very powerful. If you say the right thing at the right time it can have a huge positive impact. Saying the right thing at the wrong time is counter productive. My child spend an inordinate amount of time in their room on their computer. After a long time they came to me and said that they want to travel with their friends to an event and they needed money to pay. My reply was, I wish you could go, it would be fun, but instead of getting a part time job like your friends did you wasted your time. You could not have thousands of $ saved but you have nothing. My child then found a part time job, is earning money and has changed for the better. What would have happened if I nagged my child every day to get out of their room and get a job? Nothing good I suspect.
This man is on-point. The bottom line is that an individual should thoroughly understand him/her self before even considering marriage and family. Marriage is not a panacea for life’s problems; actually, it will create more problems and responsibilities that you and your partner will be challenged to solve. Therefore, if you are a loner, weak under pressure, unsure of yourself, have mental/physical “issues” (ie. depression/anxiety/genetic issues), lack commitment, lack financial stability, lack selflessness, etc. then please do not get married only to become another divorce statistic and create misery for yourself and potential offspring! I am 52m never married and no kids — and happy!
no one is compatible with anyone… we all have our personal preferences. So no one is going to have the same personal way of doing things the way we personalized each and every action or the way we conduct task, or the way we personalize our organizational processes in our lives. We Can’t meet a person whom wouldn’t eventually get on our nerves, or make us angry. Problem is that lovers start off strong sexually, passionately, selflessly, and so things seem perfect. As soon as that cloud nine love wears off, it begins.. one partner starts “noticing ” all the annoying new habits they’re partner seemingly started doing as if they appeared out of no where. Noticing how loud the yawns are, how loud they fart now, all the tiny mistakes made like leaving the cabinet door cracked, looking in the fridge too long, forgetting to leave a door open or closed, grunting too loudly when stretching and yawning. When In actuality, your partner has been doing those things the entire time you have been together. The only difference is the love you shared and had for your partner at first, kept you from observing all our petty pet peeves a lover violated. Kept you from concocting reasons to hate your partner. When you actually work hard at your relationship and work hard to keep loving your family, and to be resilient in finding the things we love about the ones who sacrifice the same side of token as we do. Less hatred and resentment build up. Not saying anything is easy about it. But anything in life worth a flip, is something worked hard for.
There are numerous occasions where I disagree with Peterson, and this is one of them. He just gets it so wrong with that line that’s the article’s title. Of course marriage is for the husband and wife. It is the single most important relationship of our whole lives. It is the only meaningful relationship where we get to choose someone who matches us well, rather then simply being arbitrarily assigned a random person who may have no compatibility with us whatsoever (which is often the case). Marriage is the very justification for life, and for surviving childhood. The parent who keeps their kid alive through childhood does them no favors whatsoever, unless they end up with an adulthood that was worth living to see. And a nigh indispensable element of such a life is a deeply intimate, devoted, lifelong relationship with an individual who fills your life with happiness and a sense of connection. In the absence of that, life demonstrates to you, very compellingly, that it is not worth surviving to endure. So why on earth would a person believe it’s ethical to force that fate upon someone else, i.e. by dedicating themself to ensuring a child survives? The parents marriage is for the benefit of the parents. It does nothing for the child, and in fact, it is the source of all their grief. The marriage that does serve the child is the one that they will (hopefully) enter in to once they become adults themselves. To mischaracterize the most precious gift life could possibly offer is a disservice to everybody, including the children people like Peterson claim to be so concerned about.
Marriage should be thought of as being in stages. With young children, the marriage should provide love, role modeling, and security. But after the children grow up, you have 2 middle-aged people who are responsible for protecting, loving, and supporting one another into old age. If you turn away from your spouse to focus 100% on children, you will wish you had invested more in your spouse when the children grow up and leave you alone together. It’s all a fragile balancing act, which is why we should have compassion and forgiveness for our parents and ourselves when we fail to achieve the optimum mix.
As a child of divorced parents and also as a parent in a healthy relationship that does not need “marriage”, I respectfully disagree. This oversemplification and sexism in parenting roles is simply not congruent with reality in many cases of both healthy “standard” families and ones that are not. I must add, if by marriage we mean just union then that point can be discussed further, whereas in the case it means the actual marriage institution, everything sort of crumbles because marriage as the latter is not for the kids, it’s simply a very old tradition where usually the “woman” gets sold by her father to another man to bear his kids. Yes, nowadays there are tax reliefs and perks and in some more fortunate countries the paradigm has slightly shifted to a more romantic and social one, but the point remains. As for children, let us not forget that they are just new humans that need some guidance to experience this world in (hopefully) the most useful and fulfilling and forming way possible – and the empathy and understanding of an adult that is responsible for them and “decides not to throw them out the window for crying and being needy” thankfully says a lot more about the adult than the child and is a sign of minimal intelligence and barely enough maturity and covered, at least for some, by natural instinct whether that child is yours or not. They might get raised by a single parent, natural or adopted, or by a village and neither of those matter more or are better than the other as long as they have healthy values that benefit the child the most.
my current husband is serving as a “father figure” to a neighbor’s child. It’s a nightmare because the “child” doesn’t do anything but eat, sleep, play article games, and doesn’t try to get a job. She’s looking for free housing always and uses his compassion to fully take advantage of him. Don’t take on people’s problems especially when they are looking for a free everything.
The children first mindset is why we have a generation of narcissistic entitled children. Marriage is the relationship between the man and a woman that created the children. That relationship takes precedence over everything. You nourish that relationship. If you do not, the relationship will fail. A failed marriage, occurs regardless of if you divorce or not. The failed relationship is what is modeled for the child. This is where the damage and trauma occurs. Please do not delude yourself into thinking that you cannot emotionally traumatize children while staying married. You Do can set a bad example of what a healthy loving relationship looks like and stay married.
How disturbing. Once you have children it’s not about You. You don’t have children to avoid your own crap. The best thing you can offer children is a healthy whole You. Otherwise, all you are doing is handing down your emotional baggage to your children and they will hate you one day. Look into epigenetics and transgenerational trauma. This man 🙄 First, women need to have children and find alpha males to provide for them. Then when they have children, they are supposed to make it all about children. This is the ultimate recipe for mental health issues. For anyone who doesn’t understand this, Watch Revolutionary Road. NO. 1. Look after yourself and have a healthy sense of self first. 2. Look for a partner who is an EQUAL before you have children. 3. When you DO have children, you teach by BEING. Look after yourself and teach children by the choices you make in your own life.
I heavily disagree with the line he is making between “discipline” and “nurturing”. This is an ancient way of thinking-hello dinosaur!Today’a way of raising children is a 100% nurturing, empathetic/caring parent and that’s the way it needs to be. Doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman- it makes 0% difference what’s between your legs. I say this confidentially as a childcare worker reflecting on my male co-workers. I can’t see the difference in our work from a male vs female perspective. A child benefits from having more loving adults there for them- that’s the only reason- simple. A single parent has so much pressure from work and society completely on them that being there for their child when they need them is more difficult and it can be a struggle understandably. My partner grew up without a father- I’ve heard how hard it is for his mother to raise 3 children. It’s ridiculous. He doesn’t mention how “no father figure” effected him. It was more “coming home to an empty home” (mum was working day and night) or “microwaved food again”. Think about that-How lonely does that sound? I grew up in complete opposite- two parents constantly home (they didn’t work/wanted to dedicate this part of life to being a parent/financially didn’t need to). Such a big difference.
So why then actually be married? I mean if you’re just going to stay together because it’s for the kids then why do you have to involve the state in it? Seriously I think it’s a valid question. Why not just stay together and cohabitate together, why do you have to sign a piece of paper and now the government is involved in your life.
What children? Not everybody wants or can have children. Should these couple then get divorced even if they love and respect each other? Utter bs. Usually he talks right, but this time he’s ridiculous. Life is not always 100% according to ‘rules’, sometime unexpected things out of the ordinary out of the norm happen, that doesn’t mean these things are wrong.
Anthropology in academia has always viewed marriage as an economic union to protect and provide for women and children. Since post suffrage feminism in the 1960’s, being married and subsequently getting divorced benefits women far more than it does men. Some women will argue that because they will only recognize their own hardships and minimize the man’s. If you are a man and you are romanticizing fatherhood, relationships, intimacy and marriage, then you have been conned.
I feel like so many people are missing the point. This for the healthy marriages. Yes it is for the children. The dating and romance should come before kids. That being said one should also look for a husband/wife who follows God’s virtues and morals. I know it doesn’t always work that way in reality, but it is a huge advantage for the relationship. This being stated you can only control yourself and your actions. If the spouse is unfaithful or abusive then yes, you have the right to divorce. However we cannot ignore the negative impact it has on the children. In this unfortunate case everyone is losing, but it is for the protection of the ones being abused. As an apologist that I am fond of says. You can’t vow to love someone forever, but you can vow your loyalty and commitment, to be partners. The romance fades but you should still love one another as your very best friend. That being said we all have duties to our spouses. I think that this part is largely ignored for selfish reasons. A relationship and especially marrige takes sacrifice and compromise to work.
To play the devil’s advocate here, of course you should love & care for your children, but the idea that once you have kids you basically don’t matter anymore is too extreme. It’s unhealthy too. There’s this weird pseudo virtuous idea that you must sacrifice everything for your children. This attitude backfires all the time. Parents get utterly exhausted, don’t prioritize their health or the health of their marriage, and eventually everything comes crashing down and everyone is miserable. If you are healthy (physically, mentally, spiritually) and your marriage is strong and loving, naturally things will fall in place and your kids will be way happier.
I think he’s half right. But, marriage is not only for children though. Some married people don’t want children, so then what? Should they not marry? And what about married people whose children are grown and left the nest? Or if their children have passed before the parents. Do they get divorced, because there are no children? I view marriage as a 3rd entity in a marriage. Usually, you have 2 people in a marriage trying to sustain a relationship. Maybe they will have children, maybe they won’t. In a relationship, you have her needs and his needs to be fulfilled in a marriage. But, there is the 3rd entity in the marriage and it is the MARRIAGE itself. You have to think of the marriage entity as your child. Example: Maybe the man wants sex and the woman doesn’t. Well, in a marriage, a woman’s intimacy bond is nourished by her husband’s desire for her usually shown with compliments and affection. But a man’s intimacy bond is nourished by sex. So, in order to NOURISH the intimacy that bonds the MARRIAGE, a woman should not be denying her husband sex on a regular basis if she wants the MARRIAGE to survive. She needs to think about what’s good for the marriage as opposed to what is good for her or him. The same way she wouldn’t deny her child dinner because she’s too tired to cook. So, JP is right when he says, when you have children, it’s not just about you anymore. But with children, you now have 4 entities in your realm. Mother, father, marriage and children.
Man hit the nail right on the head. Marriage is definitely for the children. You can go on and live selfishly all you want live unmarried as a couple together its sinful sure but once you take your vows? You live for more than just yourself but also your spouse…and once you have a child it’s not about you anymore but about that kid, your spouse then maybe if you have time yourself at the end of the day. My husband and I just had our first son, and I can tell you that instinct comes easily. Sure we get tired sure we become frustrated with ourselves but regardless of all that we can’t help but feel such a tremendous amount of love for our son to where we actually feel joy and a certain completeness when we see to his needs or make him smile. It’s how God intended, for anyone to feel otherwise there is some need for you to take a knee in a quiet place and pray for love to be instilled in you for that child cause everything about being a parent is sacrifice. Your time. Your money. Your sleep. I’m breast feeding and its a love sacrifice to make sure I consume good things for my baby. I’ve wanted a strawberry daiquiri for months and I’m still withholding from having one because I don’t want my son to get it second hand through the milk I’m giving him. Even caffeine, I’ve sworn off caffeine for him for that same reason. And it’s hard! It’s hard to pay attention to what is in things and avoid the bad stuff it’s hard avoiding my cravings and denying my flesh things I enjoy for sake of his well being but I’m doing it Wish more people in my generation really understood what sacrifice means.
So if you are looking at the title of this clip Jordan is saying that if you are not going to have children there is no reason to get married. Jordan I totally agree with you. Especially if you are a man, the benefits of marriage are immeasurable for a woman. The man brings resources, protection, and security into the marriage, and the woman brings her genitals. It doesn’t seem like a fair exchange to me. Stay single guys.
Couldn’t stand my parents growing up. Happy they got divorced. Harder on the younger ones. Never thought I would be one of those older guys complaining about my idiot wife, but it happens. I didn’t marry a friend, but I wanted a child. She gave me the best gift ever, my daughter..She rarely hugged or kissed my daughter. Sadly, the way my wife acts, my daughter might not think a relationship is viable or the smart thing. I have asked my wife to leave on a regular basis. I only stay as I promised my daughter I will pay for her six years of Pharmacy school after she graduates high school. As soon as my wife dies, I’m getting a dog. I could sleep with plenty of women, but being nice and good in bed would only complicate things, though the wife says I can do what I want. She could easily be every woman in the world to me still, but she’s an idiot. Maybe when my daughter goes to school I can find a more normal woman. Life is too short, but economically it makes sense to stay with someone you wish would pass every single day.
Handfasting also favored the whims of the men. Handfasting The Scottish Hebrides, particularly in the Isle of Skye, show some records of a ‘Handfast” or “left-handed” marriage taking place as recently as the late 1600s where the Gaelic scholar, Martin Martin, notes “It was an ancient custom in the Isles that a man take a maid as his wife and keep her for the space of a year without marrying her; and if she pleased him all the while, he married her at the end of the year and legitimatised her children; but if he did not love her, he returned her to her parents.” en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handfasting