Raising an adopted child involves several steps, including establishing permanence, sticking to a routine, ensuring attachment will come with time, opening up communication lines, and embracing the child’s identity. It is essential to focus on survival rather than willful disobedience, and give your child a voice. This can be achieved through play, sensory issues, proactive strategies, and support.
For children who have faced abuse or neglect in their birth families, adoption and foster care can bring long-term benefits that continue into adulthood. Parents should learn how to parent an adopted child from experts and other parents who have been through it, as well as the costs, eligibility, process, and support for adopting from US foster care. They should also learn about the adoption tax credit, access medical and educational benefits, and adopt siblings or older children.
There are three main paths to adopting in the United States: through the foster care system, with the help of a local adoption agency or private attorney, and through other means. Raising an adopted child involves understanding developmental stages, reading children’s stories about adoption, raising the child knowing where they come from, attending adoption/parenting education classes, and including the birth parents in the child’s life.
In the early years of an older child adoption, it is crucial to shift focus from love and trust to commitment. Parents should continue to say goodbye to their child, spend time with them when they are playing alone, and provide physical care and nurture to create a sense of bonding. Focusing on the whole child’s life and needs, rather than assuming adoption is behind every negative behavior, is the best way to address challenges and ensure a successful adoption experience.
📹 6 struggles your adopted child will have | Adoption parenting
Therapeuticparenting #adoptionparenting #parentingtrauma #adoptionparentingclasses In this video I offer insight into 6 struggles …
How to attach to an adopted child?
Parents and professionals can help children build trust and control by creating routines, encouraging eye contact, committing to one-to-one parent/child time, and incorporating physical contact into routine activities. Establishing bedtime rituals, mealtimes, and weekly family movie nights can help build trust. Encourage eye contact by smiling and looking into the child’s eyes before speaking, gradually increasing the length of time as they become more comfortable.
Engaging in board games, catch, or other activities can also build skills and communication. Providing routine physical contact, such as hugging, combing hair, or cuddling, can help build a child’s capacity to care. Providing jobs around the house and recognizing their contributions can also help build their self-esteem. Displaying a family photo in the house, leaving surprise messages, and involving the child in planning future activities can also help reinforce their family’s identity. Reaching out to professionals and other families for guidance and help can also be helpful.
What to do after a failed adoption?
After a failed adoption, it is essential to allow time for healing and to evaluate what you will do differently next time. It is crucial to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to heal, so you can return to the next match feeling confident and refreshed.
Failure is not due to anything you did or didn’t do, but rather it was not meant to be. Use your experience as a learning opportunity and seek advice from your adoption agency or attorney. Stay positive and know that nothing life-changing is easy.
Prepare your finances, as many families experience a significant financial hit due to non-refundable matching fees. Regain your financial confidence and have a reasonable budget in mind before waiting for a match again. Stay positive and remember that nothing is life-changing, and stay positive in the face of adversity.
Do adopted children love their parents as much?
The text emphasizes the importance of being sensitive and aware of one’s feelings and working through them. It also acknowledges that adoptive parents and adoptees may have processing issues, but it is important to focus on the relationship with the adoptee and be there for them if they decide to pursue a relationship with their biological family. The adoptee will not feel differently about the adoptee, but there may be difficulties in reconciling feelings such as loving the adoptee as a mom, missing the adoptive mom, feeling guilty, and not wanting to hurt the birth mother’s feelings.
The birth mother hopes that the adoptive mom will grow to love both of them, but the love will never be the same kind. The birth mother will always be the adoptee’s birthmom, but the adoptive mom will always be the mommy, and the birth mother wants this to be the case.
What do adopted kids call their parents?
The adoption of a child does not change the identities of its mother and father, who are referred to as “guardians”, “foster”, or “adoptive” parents. The language of adoption is changing and evolving, and since the 1970s, it has been a controversial issue tied to adoption reform efforts. The controversy arises over the use of terms that may cause offense or insult to others. Two contrasting sets of terms are commonly referred to as positive adoption language (PAL) (sometimes referred to respectful adoption language (RAL)) and honest adoption language (HAL).
In the 1970s, as adoption search and support organizations developed, there were challenges to the language in common use at the time. The term “natural mother” had been in common use previously, while the term “birth mother” was first used in 1956 by Nobel Prize-winning author and adoptive mother Pearl S. Buck. As books like Adoption Triangle and support groups formed, a major shift from natural parent to birthparent occurred.
Social workers and professionals in the field of adoption began changing terms of use to reflect what was being expressed by the parties involved. Marietta Spencer’s “The Terminology of Adoption” for the Child Welfare League of America (CWLA) influenced Pat Johnston’s “positive adoption language” (PAL) and “respectful adoption language” (RAL).
Will my adopted baby love me?
As an adoptive parent, it is crucial to remember that your child will love many people throughout their lifetime, and the love they feel for you will not be less than that for their birth mother. As their adoptive parent, you have the opportunity to nurture their mind and heart, teach them about the world, and witness their growth. It is important to accept that your child is not just loved by you, but also by their birth mother, who chose adoption.
Why would someone not be able to adopt?
Adoption involves several hurdles, including age, health, relationship requirements, and extensive legal processes. Some countries and adoption agencies may not allow single people or same-sex couples to adopt from their countries or through their agencies. However, most adoptive parents do not mind waiting the extra time and jumping the extra hurdles.
The home study process is a crucial part of the adoption process, as it involves a stranger coming into the home to evaluate the prospective parents’ physical, mental, financial, and environmental well-being. This process is conducted by social workers to ensure the adoption agency or government can better understand the prospective parents’ suitability for parenthood.
Home studies typically involve background and medical checks, interviews, reviewing and filling out paperwork, character references, and physical visits to the home. The average home study process takes between three to six months for the first child and shorter for subsequent children.
In summary, adoption is a complex and challenging process that requires a combination of personal and financial considerations. While some may not want to rearrange their life plans for adoption, many adoptive parents are willing to wait and face the extra hurdles to ensure their child’s well-being and suitability for parenthood.
Will an adopted child love me?
The text emphasizes the importance of understanding and supporting the adoption process for both adoptive and birth families. It suggests that a child’s love for both parents is special and may require support to navigate the challenges they face. The author also discusses the niggling fear that may arise during difficult times, such as sleeplessness or a difficult day with the child. The text suggests that adoptive parents should be aware of this fear and work to help their child navigate the challenges they face. By doing so, they can ensure that the adoption process is successful and that the child’s love for both parents is reciprocated.
How to accept you’re adopted?
To overcome the challenges of accepting your adoption as part of yourself, don’t be alone. Reach out for help if you’re struggling with self-acceptance or the emotional turmoil that comes with it. Talk to your adoptive parents or friends, explore blogs and support groups for adoptees, and find solace in knowing you’re not alone in your feelings. If professional help is needed, consider reaching out to an adoption-trained therapist or counselor. They can provide a safe space to discuss your emotions and offer advice on how adoption fits into your self-identity.
Should an adopted child call you mom?
Open adoption allows adoptees to choose how they address their birth parents, fostering open conversations and expressing their feelings and preferences. Some use terms like “birth mom” or “birth dad” to maintain connection, while others use “first mom” or “first dad” to emphasize the special place birth parents hold in their lives. This principle is rooted in respect, inclusivity, and understanding. Adopted siblings are also referred to as adoptees, and their bond is a crucial aspect of open adoption.
How can I love my adopted child?
To form a strong bond with a child, it’s important to remind them of your love through verbal and physical gestures, such as hugging them or writing a note in their lunch. Other ways to show love include allowing them to be a decision-maker, sharing toys, decorating their room, and celebrating their “gotcha day”. Burlington assists clients with four types of adoption: Domestic, International, Special Needs, and Foster to Adopt. They help determine your family’s needs and find the best fit for your family.
The foster care system has over 440, 000 children, and while the ultimate goal is reunification with families, it’s not always possible. For more information on foster care, check out Burlington’s blog, “3 Reasons Why You Should Foster A Child”.
What happens if you adopt a child and it doesn’t work out?
Disruptions in adoptions can occur before the adoption is finalized, often due to factors such as biological family members returning to parent the child, concerns from foster care professionals, or legal issues. In some cases, the adopting parent may disrupt the process and request that the adoption not be legally finalized due to changes in their situation, family issues, or a lack of understanding of the child’s needs. To prevent disruptions, it is crucial to provide more education and support for all involved parties.
While some circumstances may require disruption, it is the adopting parent’s personal responsibility to ensure they are prepared and educated to prevent a “failed” foster care adoption. By ensuring everyone involved is well-prepared and educated, the process can be more successful and avoid the need for disruptions in adoptions.
📹 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Adopted A Child…
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Hey Angela.. I am 41 man who lives in a war zone, watched your amazing websites and loved what I saw, i chose not to form a family because of the horror around me, so my decision was never to bring a kid for the misery of this life, and I think your decision is brilliant too, why to bring more kids and make them suffer while there are already millions beaitiful kids eho need love and family, and a better chance, why not to make their life better when we are able.. Loved your beautiful family and healthy happy kids and wish you the best. All respect from Syria.
I’m adopted and I didn’t think about the loss that is included in adoption until I was an adult. How my birthmother must feel about it. My birthday is the day after Christmas and I think does Christmas make her sad how does she feel? I also wish people would just refer to their adopted child as their child! I had a coworker that would always refer to her daughter as her adopted daughter and it really bothered me!! Why do you have to say that why can’t she just be your daughter!!
Thank you for doing this article! I am a birth mother and we get so much criticism. I had my baby when I was 16, at first I said I was going to keep her. Then my mother asked “what do you have to offer a baby”, I had nothing, not even the basic protection that every child deserves. My parents had just gotten divorced, money was tight, I was still in school, and my boyfriend wanted no part of anything. Sexual abuse tends to run in my family which was a huge concern, while I’m working on graduating so I can get a decent job one day would she be safe, or would people just ignore it like then tend to do. My child was never unloved, she was SO loved from the very beginning. Turning against every instinct you have to give your baby a better life is one of the hardest things any mother could do. I’m 37 now and it is still sad to hear the things people say about birth mothers, society just doesn’t get it.
Such an on point article. I loved your point that love doesn’t fix all. There’s absolutely no shame in getting professional help. Also, I HATE being asked if my adopted brother is my “real” brother. Of course he is! He’s just as much my brother as my biological one. The moment I saw him I knew he would be my baby brother forever and I would love him infinitely
It is extremely important to respect the wishes of the adopted child with respect to contact with the birth family especially as the child grows older. Our 2 youngest children were adopted from Vietnam when they were 5 & 6 months old. I met the birth family of my older daughter & sent letters & photos throughout the years. We even traveled back to Vietnam to visit with them when my daughter was 7 (at her request). We have no information at all about my younger daughters birth family, and that has never been an issue with her. We read many books about Vietnam together, and I encouraged them to explore their ethnic heritage and their emotions regarding their adoptions. In her later teen years, my older daughter had contact with her birth mother & sister through Facebook, but she never felt an emotional connection to them despite their obvious love for her. She felt grateful to her birth mom for making the difficult decision to place her for adoption, but did not feel that she was a part of their family. Just recently, at 20 years old, she told them that she no longer wished to have any contact with them. My heart breaks especially for her birth mom, but I very strongly feel that the decision to remain in contact has to come from the child.
Me, my sister and my brother are all adopted but from different mothers. We were adopted as babies. My parents never refer to any of us as their ‘adopted children.’ I really do think that’s it’s important that all parents who have adopted to treat their adopted child/children as they would their own. And to anyone out their who’d embarrassed about being adopted, it’s ok, be proud of it. ❤️
I’ve been perusal you for about a month and this is how deep the wounding can be… This morning I was thinking I wonder why I enjoy perusal Angela so much? I actually started with your decluttering articles. And while perusal this article it dawned on me…duh!! I was adopted!!! I’m 62 and I just don’t think about it very often. But you speak the truth when you say adoption is about loss because it truly is. My first memory of feeling melancholy I was three or four and I struggled with that and depression through my twenties. I found my birth family at 28 after my adoptive parents had passed away. I was adopted at 3 months and I loved my adopted parents so so so much. They were just MY parents. We adopted my brother four years after me and he and I are very close too. They were fabulous and saved my life! It’s been quite the journey. My birth father recently passed away and I led him to the Lord before he died. I am very close with my birth mother and strangely we are a lot alike. I am so grateful that I was adopted but it truly has colored every aspect of my life. Abandonment and rejection and sadness are somethings the Lord is still healing me of. It’s almost gone and rarely comes up. Thank you Angela for your honesty and candor. God bless you sweetheart for rescuing these sweet babies. That’s certainly how I feel about my parents.
My only child is adopted through foster care. I love him more than words can express and appreciate your first few points so much. I was SO happy to be placed with him and chosen to care for him but was acutely aware that what many people saw as one of the best days of my life was one of the worst of his, as he had been taken away from his home environment with very little warning or explanation. It has taken a ton of therapy to build a somewhat secure attachment with him, and we still have challenges due to not only his past trauma but Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but I wouldn’t trade my child or experience anything. Thank you for taking the time to share your story! ❤️❤️❤️
You are so right. I’m a foster and adoptive parent. Love isn’t always enough. We are approaching another adoption and guess what? We love this child and he does love us, but misses his mother who is giving him up for adoption. I’ve had him in my home for 4 years and time doesn’t erase all wounds. It’s HARD.
I’m white, my late husband is white. I have black hair and brown eyes. My husband was blond and had blue eyes .We have 4 biological children, 2 blond and blue eyes, 1 black hair and brown eyes, 1 honey colour hair and honey colour eyes. I was at the pharmacy and the cashier said. Oh my!! The children are so beautiful, if I had to pick one, I would not know which one I would pick !!! Are you the nanny ?? When my husband got home from work, I told him what happen and he always the peace maker he said: maybe she ask that because you look young to be a mom of 4 kids!! Right …At my doctors office, my husband and I with our 4 children was waiting to see the doctor, and my blond and blue eye daughter call me mommy can I play with this toy? a women with her wide eyes ask me : are all this your children… yes !! I say so proud !! Are all of them from the same men ? My mouth drop, and I said, actually no, one is from The newspaper men, the other from the milk men, the other from the mail men and the other from ummm… I don’t know ….my husband laugh so hard, he had tears in his eyes from laughing, and I was mad..lol . Some people really don’t know how to keep their curiosity in their minds, they just ask questions that is hurtful and ugly. AND none of their business. They just can’t help it, they HAVE to ask… why ???
We have three amazing children all adopted from Korea. They are now 25, 22 and 21. We use to get that one a lot, “Are they really brothers and sisters?”. That one bothered me but my personal “least favorite” was “How much did they cost?”. 😳 We did not “purchase” our children! If you would like to discuss details privately some time I would be glad to chat with you but not in front of my children. 😊 God bless you and your beautiful family!!
I started perusal your website just before you adopted Rosie and the reason I’ve continued perusal is because of how impressed I am with the knowledge that you have of adoption. I’m adopted and you are one of the very few non adopted people who understands the intricacy of adoption and the adoption triad. I wish more parents had a deeper understanding of the trauma associated with adoption prior to adopting. I appreciate you.
My husband and I adopted 3 foster children. The first two were 2 and 4 years old, and the third was 6 weeks old when they came to us. I totally agree that adoption is beautiful, but there is so much more involved. We went into it thinking “love is enough”. It is not. All three are grown now and it has been an incredible, wonderful, and at times painful journey. I think it is great to be open and honest…realistic. I would never want to discourage adoption, but just help others understand and be prepared that it is a unique, sometimes challenging journey.
Hi Angela. Been perusal you for about 5 years. 2 years ago I started the process for embryo adoption. I had some failures along the way but am very happy that I am now over 5 months pregnant. I just want to say that your articles have been really beneficial for me in helping me make decisions for starting my family. I hope that one day I will also do an international adoption, hopefully for my second baby. Thanks for providing your viewers with well informed resources on adoption, and for sharing your experience. It’s helping me a lot!
Yes girl, PREACH! We brought our son home this past October and we’re starting to experience a lot of the things you mentioned. When it comes to people asking questions, I’ve found a good “Why do you ask?” or “Why do you want to know?” with the right tone either makes people walk away or re-evaluate why they asked ____.
As an adoptive mother, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to add a thing to that list: The way you raise your biological children will not always translate to your adopted child well. For some it may be a smoother transition (save for the obvious traumas that may present themselves). And for others, it just may not click and you’ll need to reevaluate how to get through to your child in a way they understand. Even for those adopted from birth/infancy. I’m still learning this every day 4yrs in.
Hi Angela, I was just wondering if you have ever done a article on your personal experience with your open adoption? I didnt realize any of your kiddos had one. How you decided on open? How the first mama felt about it? What does “open” look like for your family? Do they know you have a youtube website? I know you have to be incredibly careful what you share, but if theres an appropriate way to answer any of those its be awesome. Im sure theres lots of people on your website who would love a article about what to know about open adoptions
I am only 14 but I know that adoption is my life goal and I’m so beyond excited to grow up and be able to adopt. I am a biological child I have been through trauma and love most definitely isn’t enough especially when you haven’t been shown it until it’s too late and I’d really love to help other children x
I love this! Thank you for sharing.. I just had my first son 3 months ago and about 6 weeks after he was born we were faced with the decision on whether or not to take custody of a 1-year-old family member. Obviously, the answer was yes, but it scared me so much. I find hope and strength in your website. I look up to you alot! Its easy to be all for adoption until you are faced with the reality of it within your own family. Thank you for being such a great example and role model 💛
Thank you so much for passing on your wisdom on the subject of adoption!! As a foster parent who will someday be adopting one or more of these children I want to know everything thing I possibly can to make the best life possible for my children!! I wish we could sit down and just talk about everything, but I know that is not possible. This article and all of your other adoption related articles have helped me so much!!
We are foster parents who are about to adopt our foster child. We are SO excited!!! I’m articleing my journey through the adoption process to also help those doing this. Thanks for your article!!! And great idea giving resources. There was so little info out there when we started our journey and I feel still is.
Thank you! Although the my three children came to me through adoption more than 20yrs ago, your words resonated with me so much that time stood still. I’m not meaning to be dramatic here but the words..’Love is not enough,’ brought a lot of forgotten emotions and thoughts back into focus. Things that I had ‘ forgotten ‘, so not sure thank you is enough. I have had to find time this evening to rethink and turnover things about the two adoptions, with 20+yes hindsight. One thing I would add to your 5 things is ..I wish I would have known the impact on my marriage, maybe as you say, asked deeper questions about us as a couple and listened more. Wonderful insight and honesty on your part for this many thanks.🇬🇧👩👦👩👧👦
My sister was adopted so I can understand and relate to what you are talking about based on what I watched my parents go through (especially when the questions arise about us being related). I was a teenager and she was 8 when it all took place…it was definitely neat hearing all of these things from your perspective as a mother and all of the things put into it that I was not old enough to understand at the time.
Angela, there’s another hard truth that you may not be able to tell until your children are adults. There will be behaviors and attitudes that your child may display that you will not recognize as anything they are modeling from your home’s influence. “They weren’t raised that way” We adopted our first child in 1977 and the last in 1987 – the only baby adoption. The youngest was open with both parents and I can tell you that I see attitudes and behaviors that are totally foreign to their dad and me, but that I see displayed in the birth family. I, too, viewed adoption through rose-colored glasses and thought love was enough. I’m a better grandparent than I was parent because I no longer question why the grandchildren behave as they do. I just keep on loving them and accepting them.
I’ve been subscribed to and watched both of your websites for quite some time and I have to say this was hands down the best article you’ve put out! (not that I’m finding fault with your other ones) I’m 56 and have had legal custody and raising two of my granddaughters ages 12 and 9 for over 8 years now. A few years ago their 18 month old half brother was at risk of going into foster care so we took custody of him in order to keep them together. He is now 4 and a half. There are many days I have felt “too old for this job” or worried that I’m not enough for their needs. Your advise was so practical and resonated with me. It’s not easy and yes these children too ‘come from loss” so it’s more than just taking care of them. It’s helping to heal those emotional scares and trying to appropriately answer their questions and other, well meaning people’s questions, and yes fighting for them on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom on this subject.
As someone who is adopted I think it would have helped my family if we all had professional help at the start. It is a trauma and it does affect your life in various ways but I was incredibly lucky to have super special parents who I adored, so even though there were some difficulties, their love saw me through.
When they grow up and in my case, and two of my friends that loss you are speaking of comes out in different ways. I loved my daughter just like my biological children, but when she became an adult I realized that she didn’t love us like we loved her. There is a part that longs to know her natural parents, though she wanted nothing to do with her culture, so after her first year of college we sent her to her home country through Holts. The first thing she said, when she came home was, “I was around all those Asians and it didn’t bother me. ” I was thrilled, God answered my prayers. She ended up marrying a wonderful Japanese man, but was shocked her first born looked “so Asian”. I still pray she will experience a miracle and God will bring her in touch with her bio mom. I want the best for her!
LOVED this. As an adoptive mother of 4 biological siblings, I feel and have lived 2-4 for 13 years now. I still needed to hear #1. We are going through one really rough times with one of our kids, and found that love wasn’t enough. We have been able to use the Aid Society through which our adoptions were processed as a wonderful resource for additional services. Yet I still needed to convince myself it was okay to ask. /Lesley
Thank you for putting this out there. While we are tossing the idea of adoption around, I also needed to hear this to make me a better person. I don’t need to ask those kinds of questions to families. Yes I’m curious, but is it really my place to ask questions when I just meet them! No. I don’t need to do that. I can just encourage tell them what a beautiful family they have and leave them better then I found them. ♥️ thank you for that bit alone!
Sorry for the long post I am a Birth Mother in the UK. I did not consent to the adoption of one of my children and spent almost 5 years fighting my case. I have regular contact with my son who lives with paternal grandparents. I won’t go into details because it is not just my story to tell, it is that of my husband’s and most importantly, my children. I have met my daughter’s adoptive parents and they were a lovely couple. I get a letter once a year and i write back. I just wanted to say that i love your articles and think you are such a lovely person. I love how you choose to keep certain pieces of information private because of protecting your children. I think that i share a very different view of adopters compared to most birth families and although i have been very angry and hurt i just feel that if you can, you need to put your feelings aside as a birth parent and focus on the needs of the child. Originally i did not want to meet the adopters and i felt very hostile but in the end i realised – they haven’t done this to us. I decided to put my daughter first, meet her adopters and the way i see it, asl ong as she is loved and well cared for, and does best by my child i cannot ask for more. I see it as my daughter has more than 1 family to love her. I will always be her biological mum and she will always have a biological family. If she chooses to make contact in the future then that will be a blessing. But if not, i will completely respect her wishes. I realise there are no expectations but it needs to be comfortable for her and us.
Angela, you are amazing! And your articles are amazing! Have you considered being a consultant? I think about adopting, but I’m single, almost 50, and scared to your first point, that my love may not be enough, and then what…that child deserves a mom and dad and siblings, and I don’t think I’m enough. But I still watch you…I can’t believe people are so bold to ask those kinds of intimate details.
Great article!!! There is so much to learn about adoption and as an adoptive parent (through the foster care system) I know I have had a big learning curve along the way. The ethics of international adoption have always made me a bit wary about it. Thank you for this guide, I will check it out! Love your heart Angela and how you always share with such grace <3
I would love to hear 5 things you wish other people knew about adoption not as adoptive parents. For example kids are not lucky to have you “save” them or as an adoptive parent you are not a better parent or saint because you took these children in. I think sometimes people glorify it and want their children to be overly grateful for being taken in and that’s just not something I believe
Thank you for sharing. I’m in the process of trying to adopt from foster care. I’m black and my husband is white. Who ever we adopt will be a different race from one or both of us. I’ve been searching YouTube trying to find parents and/or children sharing their stories on how they address the differences in race and culture. Do you ask them questions on how they feel about being in a family that looks different from them? Do they ask or seek out their own heritage? Do you encourage them and also teach them about their culture?
I added this article to my International Adoption page on FB– also my Adoption Highway FB page. Good tips. You definitely need to be an advocate for your adopted child in the school system. Teachers should be told they are adopted and to be aware of ‘family’ issues that may come up in discussion or topics that can make your child feel different. She has great tips on the article that I concur with! (adoptive mom of 2)
I want to thank you because your articles were the first i saw about embryo adoption when i looked it up, i was scared about the process because i didn’t think i could carry a baby. But i have a soon to be 5 month old little boy that we love so much!!! I even did a article on it here in my website to better explain it to my friends and co-workers <3
On your “birth moms aren’t scary” point… I actually had the opposite experience. I went into the adoption experience being so excited to have amazing relationships with all my kids’ sweet birth moms. That did not turn out for us. Things started out that way, but at this point we are dealing with drug addictions, restraining orders, stalking and lots of investments in security cameras to help keep our family safe. 😕
As a mom who has a blended family, I totally get what you are talking about. So many times I would get and so would my husband people who would say so that is your step son or step daughter. I could always tell how that affected our children. So I started telling people who said these things especially in front of OUR children, no these are our children, and the only steps we have in our home are the ones that lead to our front door. That would usually squash that conversation. I try not to be rude, as I know people usually don’t mean harm. I just want to make it very clear that we are a family, the way we see it and I believe all of our children felt comfort knowing we will always be there to protect them physically and emotionally.
I’d really appreciate a article where you go into more detail about how you answer those hard or rude questions people ask… whether it’s friends and/or family. As a single woman looking towards adoption I’ve had a number of people say really rude things to me and I’m trying to reply in grace and love but sometimes it’s hard. Having some examples of how you handle it could be really helpful. I mean if you’re open to sharing.
Love this info. Just to note: people can say stupid and hurtful things about your bio kids too. A lot of people just lack some serious tact. It would be nice if people just practiced the phrase, “Your Family is lovely.” And that is what they led with. It opens the door for you to volunteer as much info as you want or to just say, “thank you!”.
These are 5 great things for people to research and seek out first hand experience with fellow adoptive parents before starting their journey. I like you found my way while in the trenches. I wish someone would have opened my eyes a little so I could have been a better mom to my littles off the bat. Love your family ❤️🤗 Keep shining 🌟
Nothing to do with adoption, but I thoroughly enjoyed the article, but a relative had twins…a boy & a girl. She was at the store one day. Kuds were abt 6 yrs old. Boy was blonde & short. Girl was dark haired & tall. Some lady said something & my relative said they were twins. The lady literally called her a liar & said no way they were twins. That is how rude ppl can be.
My feelings on adoption are that the child is very special and should know they are a chosen one and that makes them special to no end. I also have the utmost feeling that adoptive parents have a great quality since adoption is for everyone. It takes very special people and the children are very lucky to have people in the world that want and chose them. My heart and prayers go out to adoptive parents and children.
We used a donor egg, so not quite like adoption, but possible ethical issues still exist and I did SOO much research and asked so many questions. I did not want to use a donor who might have felt backed into doing it because they didn’t have money and hadn’t REALLY thought things through and also I didn’t want the donors to be paid excessively for the same reason.
Thank you SO much for making this article ❤️ would love to hear more from you! My husband and I will be looking into some form of adoption after moving into a bigger home in a couple years from now. We want to make sure we have the space for whatever path Hod chooses to lead us in. I also cannot wait to read your book ❤️ You have no idea how much your families story had impacted our lives. Your family is SO beautiful and such an inspiration.
This article came out on the day that the adoption worker first came to meet with us and our foster son. He has lived with us for a year. He is 4. What books or kid resources might help us to open the conversation pe adoption with him? Love is Not enough! He has 3-4 different therapies to help him because of trauma. And that’s a good thing!
Thank you so much for sharing! I was wondering if you were considering doing a article on the topic of attachment and adoption one day? We have two children that we adopted and I have been looking in every corner of the web and books to hear others walks in that regard with not much luck. Or were there any books that you came across that you would be able to reccomend? 💛
i am very lucky to grow up how and where i did. but i was an international adoptee from china and i don’t know much about my culture, i feel lost when every other poc i know has ties to their heritage and can practice their customs of their cultures and eat authentic food from there too. i feel too white to be chinese but i’m too chinese to be white. it’s very confusing.
What you say is so true. We are parents of 3 adopted children (now adults). We adopted from Korea and the question about are they really brother and sisters we got all the time. And we sent our kids parochial school thru elementary and then public for high school. There was so much bullying because of there race. Even adults like a school principal would say things. I too would have to say…There are so many things I wish I would have known before. What I know now is I would have handled things very differently. Thank You for sharing ❤️
I’m 12 right now but I have always wanted to adopt a child when I’m older. My mother says it’s better to have a man create a baby with me because a man in the family would be better than just a mother but I really wanted to know if when I’m 20 I can adopt a kid? I was thinking like a 11-13 year old so we can still enjoy life me as young adult and my child as a teenager. It might be hard since I’ll be in college but I can sacrifice myself, after all a mother has to do what a mother has to do to make her kid happy and safe
my husband is black and my daughter and I are not. Hes been Daddy since forever. She knows no other. Every single day someone will ask “is he really her dad?” “Is that your REAL Dad?” “Thats not your/her Dad! Hes Black!”. The worst one is “what does your family think about letting a black man raise your children?”. They act just alike, talk alike, same mannerisms, same really lame jokes. When we were first together, before we had moved in together, Emma broke her arm. Ive never broken anything and was lost in the maze of sling, then ortho and then cast and back and forth. Didnt realize it would swell so bad after the cast. She never cried or complained when the break happened or when doctors poked and prodded but that night in the cast she screamed all night…like a blood curdling scream. My husband spent over $2000 and dropped work to fly straight to Maine (our airport is EXPENSIVE because hardly any flights go there and its hard to get the flights) to comfort her and make sure I had the appointments sorted out properly. Yea hes her REAL Dad. When her bio father came back at 9 looking to meet her HE was the one that told her it was ok. Hes the one that tells her its ok to call him Dad. He has been in the same boat w his Dad and biological father. We have to wait to make her adoption official. She has to be older. People dont realize how much it absolutely HURTS these kids when you suggest their parent, who they love so unconditionally, is not their REAL parent. Our daughter looks for literally anything to justify being his child.
I love this article! I would love to hear more about how you have fought for your family. Ether specific scenarios or just in general. I don’t have any adopted children yet but my family is mixed. My child looks a lot like my partner. I see how people look at me sometimes when I’m out with just my child. It drives me a little crazy.
I like the first thing you said about love not always being enough. I personally was adopted by my grandma and grandpa on my dads side because my mother left me when i was born my parents were both 15 when I was born ( first person in my whole family not to have a child by the age of 18 )y father has been in/out of my life being in/out of jail and prison but when he was home and not in jail he was always drunk and physically and emotionally abusive to me Now lm 21 years old I only met my mother once ( by accident I went to my moms side of the family and they’re full Puerto Rican I didn’t grow up with her side of the family so unfortunately I do not know Spanish. It was my 18th birthday so my ex boyfriend and a couple of friends and myself went to my grandparents on my moms sides house and I knocked and they ALWAYS just tell me to come in but my grandpa started yelling Spanish in the house then said ‘your moms here did you still wanna come inside?’ My friends and ex had a good point ‘you might not ever have this opportunity ever again’ that was the first and the last time I have ever met my mother she blocked me on Facebook after promising to take me to Puerto Rico for my 21st birthday to Meet her side of the family but that never happened sadly ) but I’m super thankful my grandma and grandpa took me in don’t know where I’d be without them ❤️
How can you afford to adopt all of those children? I make 180K a year and can’t afford to even adopt one. I would be an amazing and loving mother and not sure why they make it so financially difficult to adopt a child.. They would rather then stay in foster care then give them to a loving home?!?! If adoption were more affordable I swear I would adopt at least 2 or three children and give them an amazing life.
When I was 2 my grandparents adopted me to take me away from my drunk mother, my dad lived with us for a couple years, then he met my step mom and had 2 kids…but….when I turned 11 my grandparents didn’t like how I was changing and GROWING UP. So they became mentally abusive and disrespected my sexuality because I’m bi, and threaten me, tell me to go to hell, then they don’t want to say sorry afterwards but we soon make up and then I know it’s just gonna happen all over again because history repeats it’s self, it got so bad that my grandpa broke my arm just because I was trying to defend myself and I kicked him, then he lifted my leg up and while i screamed in pain he stood there and said “your fine suck it up” when will it fuckin end…now there telling me I’m not needed and all I want is a new home with a big sister and brother who can relate to me….I just want to end it all but so many things are keeping me alive and I hate it.
Okay, can I ask a scary question? We’re considering an embryo adoption, but I’m worried that the condition that made me infertile (pcos) might make me a sub-optimal host. Is it unethical to pursue embryo adoption if you’re odds of carrying to term might be a little lower than a healthy woman? I’d like some informed opinions, don’t worry about my feelings, I’m not delicate.
I am not trying to add to your list, because it is great, and it focuses on the kids. However, it made me think about infertility. I am completing my home study now as a single woman and thinking about what situations are right for me. Nothing. I mean nothing, is going to change my infertility. A decision to adopt must be handled apart from that loss. I already know this but must remind myself of it. Honestly though, part of this article made me scared to adopt, because you never know what situation will come up
How can and dare strangers ask if they are real brothers ect. I still shocks me how people are so set in the old ways and really should NOT say anything at all. I must say sarcasm runs in our family and as I get older and definitely since becoming a mum. I say it as it is back. It’s just comes automatically. We joke, since becoming a mummy I grew balls baby. Lol 😂 xxxx 💖 thankfully I have a beautiful and amazing son.
💖 I love your family. I would love to adopt an older child or 2 someday. I like how you said to ask questions to learn your child’s story. I heard a story about a little girl adopted internationally. She was adopted at age 5. She cried a lot when her new parents brought her home. They didn’t understand her language, but she learned English pretty quickly. I think it was about 9 months when the girl could finally tell them she wanted her mommyn daddy and sisters. It turned out she was stolen and sold. The family brought her back and reunited her with her biological family.
Its been on my heart but I know the provisions aren’t there nor am just yet. My husband and I’ve adopted and we did have another child on our hearts but hes getting older along with our vehicles and with more children comes more medical expenses plus my own. I pray about it sometimes but I know my family is in a season of change right now we are having some growing pains as the teenagers emerge and babies now toddlers.
I really really love this article. It really speaks the truth into how strangers can really overstep. I don’t have an adopted children, only a biological, and she’s my first and last ❤️. But she’s not fully African American, her father is mix of other races and her hair and skin is very different than mine. I get comments from People in the store “What race is her father ?”, or “What is she mixed with?”. Just not something I would ask another person. Even if a mother was white and their child was green 😂🤷🏾♀️
As a 16 year old girl (firstly I just saw this article and thought it would be interesting and informative) but also, I CANNOT FATHOM people questioning the legitimacy of your family or trying to pry on their past or history! It’s honestly very sad and appalling to think about that some families have to go through these kinds of questionings! 🙁 edit: Unethical Adoption is something i’ve never heard of and it sounds so terrible! The children must go through such scary things, it’s so awful 😦😢
Curious do you buy your sons African American books so that they see themselves in books, teaching them about their heritage and do you have friends that are African American so they can see diversity. I’m not knocking what you doing because boys very admirable what your family does. Just was curious and didn’t mean to be offensive.
Don’t let me stop you, just be informed. Even now I would tell every person on this earth, do not adopt even from infancy if you are not prepared to learn different and legal methods of discipline and teaching. I was beaten shamed screamed at and grounded for not being able to learn in school or at home the way my mother did. Be ready to make tutoring available. Watch for the slightest hint of illness. I went deaf from ear infections for over a year around 4years old. A stranger had to tell my mom I was deaf. Back in the 60’s the theory was a child would grow to be like the adoptive parents absolutely not true, unless maybe you have the same genetics and cultural heritage. At 53 I still honor my adoptive mother but I’m only now learning to let go of her past mistakes and forgive her and my birth mother for their choices. As a matter of fact I wish my adoptive home had been bugged so no chances were taken with my welfare. Seriously. The worst people know very well how to behave properly for a short time.
What a great resource. I wonder, as a sibling of an adopted sister/brother, are there actions I should take or things I should be thoughtful of? We are adults now and our parents have passed. I just wonder if there are tips to fostering a deeper connection between us in the area of this triad you identify. We might find out the names of birth parents after years of not knowing. How can I be a good support system? Thanks to anyone with ideas.
We have 4 biological children and want to continue growing our family, but I cannot go through another pregnancy. We are still in the baby stages of learning about different forms of adoption. My biggest fear (maybe this is super silly) is that if we adopt a child with 4 kids already, that that child will feel like the odd kid out. Would love to know the language and tools to help a child navigate that besides the “these 4 grew in my tummy but you grew in my heart”. Any other adoptive mommas out there who adopted after already having biological kids have any wisdom?
I’m a dark skin Hispanic that was adopted by whites and I was always mistaken for black Afro-American. Adoption didn’t work out. I last saw my adopted parents when I graduated high school. I grew up in 1980s and I experienced a shit load of racism. Part of the problem was my adopted white parents didn’t realize I was going to look “black”. I remember when I was first called the “N” when I was around 5 years of age and I didn’t even know what that meant. The white parents tried to always say I’m hispanic and try to make it sound if Brown is better than Black. I didn’t like the sound of that. When I was around 12 I started to meet more non-white kids. And I learned that maybe integration just doesn’t work. And my adopted father used to make bigoted comments about blacks from time to time and told me to relax because he didn’t see me as one of the them(meaning Afro-American). When I was 15 years old I smacked the hell out of him. It bothered me mentally at the time because I was called the “N” word so many times. I went to boot camps, juvenile hall,mental hospitals after that incident. My adopted mother acted like I did something wrong when the problem was them. So after I graduated high school living in a group home I never saw them again and I always thought I didn’t belong in a white family.
No details needed but is the reason you didn’t want to provide the adoption papers to the doctors because it has personal info about the child’s story? I assumed an adoption paper would be like a birth certificate. Just dates and names. Totally respect your decision and your fight. Was just curious on why you felt the need to guard that specific paper.
Angela, is there a certain question that we should ask an agency or social worker? If it’s a Hague country, is it safe to assume that they’re on the “up and up” to not involved with trafficking children? We’re only at the very beginning of a journey, but am so glad I stumbled across your article! Thank you for posting!
As a mother that has adopted 12 times ten children from our County. We adopted 8 being newborn drug affected infants and two being older children also drug-affected from birth. Two private adoptions makes 12, 8 newborn drug affected babies a three-year-old and a 7 year old. We had a son and a daughter biologically. We have experience ADHD autism epilepsy bipolar schizophrenia learning disabilities 12 with eye glasses and more braces then I’d like to admit. A set of twins sibling set of 3. Are we a perfect family no but I feel like we are. Been married almost 48 years 1972 daughter 46 son 44 our birth children then son 34 daughter 33 daughter 26 son 26 three son 23 son 13 daughter 10 son 10 son 9 our baby son is just turned 2 for ever family 😀 big house lots washing food shopping cooking dancing lessons football cheer leading swimming lessons shots well child checks dentist appointments church best of all is cake with birthdays need I say we now have 14 grandchildren lots and lots of cake😋❤ i’m in love
Before deciding to naturally get pregnant with our son. I’ve suffered with physical pain ect for years and was told I’d never get pregnant. So I didn’t try for 14 years. We finally, when I just couldn’t take being childless any longer looked at adoption worldwide. What we found at that time was that babies were being stolen from their homes and gardens in Guatemala. How horrendous for their birth parents. We had a brilliant end as I wanted to feel pregnant and proved all the medical professionals wrong, I was naturally pregnant within 3 months, idiots ! They only know what’s in the books. For anyone trying to get pregnant. Have faith. Xxxxx
Thank you. Thank you very much for all those 5 main things we have to know as parents of our children. Welcome to my @natalya.priyomnaya.mama where I share a story of my third adopted son! It’s in Russian but I think emotions and feelings show everything… God bless you and everybody who adopted and is going to adopt!