To stop bad parenting, it is essential to listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings, provide appropriate consequences when using discipline, label the behavior, don’t withhold attention, show love and affection, and let them make mistakes. Frederick emphasizes that punishment should teach a positive lesson, as hitting a child can result in resentment and a damaged relationship between you and your child.
Reparenting is a method for adults who were traumatized and not parented in childhood. It is crucial to stop trying to please your parents and instead focus on healing from a toxic parent. There are five signs of toxic parents, according to therapists, and expert tips on how to cope with their behavior. Nurturing, supportive, and empathetic are some ways to cope and heal.
To recover from the effects of bad parenting, one must acknowledge their emotions, set boundaries, seek therapy, and nurture their inner child. Here are 11 steps to overcome growing up in a dysfunctional family to become a good parent:
- Acknowledge the upbringing has caused the child’s issues.
- Apologize to your child, respond with intention, and set limits when calm.
- Lighten up, make self-regulation your highest priority, and focus on connecting with your child.
- Acknowledge which parts were wrong and apologize.
- Allow your child to speak about their experience.
- Learn a trade (baking, cooking, plumbing, gardening) and share your part of the mistake with your child.
In conclusion, to stop bad parenting, it is essential to listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings, provide appropriate consequences, label the behavior, admit your mistake, and allow your child to speak about their experiences. By doing so, you can repair a fractured parent-teen relationship and restore trust.
📹 The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED
Everyone loses their temper from time to time ā but the stakes are dizzyingly high when the focus of your fury is your own child.
Can you heal from a toxic mother?
The text advises individuals to take a step at a time and avoid overwhelm on their healing journey from a toxic relationship with their mother. It emphasizes the importance of mindfulness and being present, allowing time for self-processing and emotional healing. It also encourages living the life best possible, not waiting until the healing is complete. It suggests actively seeking fun and activities that bring joy into your life. The text also suggests incorporating deep relaxation techniques to light up and relax immediately.
How do you fix toxic parenting?
To address toxic behaviors in parents, consider strategies such as not trying to please them, setting boundaries, not trying to change them, being mindful of what you share, knowing your parents’ limitations, having an exit strategy, and not trying to reason with them. Identifying toxic behaviors may be easier if you feel confused, unsure of yourself, judged, guilty for saying “no”, drained, angry, overwhelmed, unrespected, manipulated, and constantly “walking on eggshells” around them. It’s important to recognize how interacting with them might make you feel and work around them if necessary.
Can bad parenting be reversed?
To improve your parenting style, it’s essential to focus on the positive aspects of your child’s life. This can be achieved through patience, honesty, and hard work. It’s never too late to start, and any positive change can lead to better outcomes for your child. Frederick suggests that we all need someone to listen to us, especially when it comes to our children. He advises hearing their concerns, validating their feelings, and explaining that they have the right to be angry but should not act out. Instead, provide alternatives for different emotions.
Is my mom toxic or am I the problem?
Toxic mothers often exhibit common signs such as ignoring boundaries, controlling behavior, and abuse, which can lead to children feeling unloved, overlooked, or disrespected. These signs include constant overreactions, demanding behavior, manipulation, ignoring boundaries, putting others down, hurting behavior, never apologizing, controlling behavior, and lack of empathy. To help families heal and find peace, experts like Emily, a clinical psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and Kristen Fuller, MD, a physician with experience in adult, adolescent, and OB/GYN medicine, offer resources and infographics to help understand the effects of toxic mothers. Both Emily and Fuller offer valuable insights into how to help families heal and find peace, while emphasizing the importance of understanding and addressing the stigma associated with mental health.
Can you recover from being a bad parent?
Bad parenting can lead to anxiety and depression in adolescents, as evidenced by the National Library of Medicine. Adolescents with critical or harsh parenting are at increased risk for negative outcomes such as externalizing behaviors, withdrawn behavior, trait anxiety, depression symptoms, depersonalization, interpersonal rejection sensitivity, anger, and poor health. Hostile parenting involves frequent harsh treatment and discipline, which can be physical or psychological.
This can involve shouting at children regularly, routine physical punishment, isolating children when they misbehave, damaging their self-esteem, or punishing children depending on the parent’s mood. Healing is possible for both parents and their children, and it is essential to make better parenting choices in the future.
Is it too late to fix bad parenting?
Work through your feelings of shame, embarrassment, and regret on your own time with a trusted guide like a therapist. It is important to remember that adult children still expect guidance from their parents, and they may feel similar emotions when discussing childhood issues. Avoid black and white thinking and remember that your child is coming to you to discuss their childhood because they want to connect and repair, not because they hate you or want to punish you.
It is never too late to repair, and there are children who would have been grateful to hear an apology from their parent on their deathbed. Do not underestimate your power in this moment and let go of the belief that there is no way to fix what you did.
Some situations where an apology from a parent may not be the correct response include adult children struggling with addiction, abusive parents setting boundaries to protect themselves or family members, adult children angry about financial support, or adult children angry about a parent’s decision to leave their marriage, move, or get a new job. Focusing on compassion and empathy with boundaries can preserve the relationship while honoring yourself.
Some examples of how to approach adult children’s feelings include:
- Expressing love and care for your child and not taking part in fueling their addiction.
- Offering assistance with grocery shopping, laundry, and job search.
- Listening to your child’s feelings about their divorce and understanding that it was hard for them.
In summary, working through your emotions and addressing them with a therapist can help you navigate the difficult times in adulthood. Remember that it is never too late to repair your actions and that there is always a chance to make a positive impact on your child’s life.
What is the most damaging parenting style?
Neglectful parenting not only impacts cognitive and academic aspects but also has long-term mental health consequences for children. Children raised in neglectful environments may experience low self-confidence, increased risk of depression, and mental health issues like anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and eating disorders. Physical abuse is often considered the first thought, but emotional abuse and neglect can have more significant impacts on a child’s development than physical or sexual abuse.
Research suggests that children who have experienced neglect may experience trauma levels similar to those who suffer from physical abuse. Both neglect and physical abuse can have enduring effects on a child’s socio-emotional well-being.
How do I fix my parenting mistakes?
In order to resolve a problem, it is essential to apologize and then focus on respectful solutions. It is a widely held belief that children are more inclined to forgive when they perceive remorse on the part of the offender. It would be beneficial to engage in a collaborative process to identify a solution to the problem, or to prevent it from occurring in the future. One potential approach could be to suggest, “I would appreciate your assistance in finding a solution.”
What does poor parenting look like?
Bad parenting involves demanding obedience, using intimidation as discipline, being overly controlling, neglecting to monitor or correct bad behavior, choosing easier parenting methods, denying responsibility, and lacking self-reflection. These behaviors can lead to negative outcomes for the child, including behavioral problems, mental health issues, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Good parenting prioritizes the child’s well-being, self-reflection, and provides a supportive environment, even in the face of challenges.
Is it too late to fix parenting mistakes?
The question “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” is answered that it is never too late to improve your child’s behavior. To start, it is essential to decide what you want to work on first. This can be done by focusing on the behaviors that put your child at risk, such as physical or emotional harm, breaking things, or being unsafe outside the home. By doing so, you can start to change your parenting style and improve your child’s behavior.
What is the hardest year of parenting?
A survey by OnePoll, sponsored by Mixbook, found that most parents of school-age children experience the most brutal time between 6-8 years, with the worst meltdowns. The emotional changes during this period can have a powerful impact on parents, as 23 parents reported feeling broadsided when their baby became a maturing big kid. Year 8 is often the hardest age to parent, as it marks a growth spurt for many children, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Parents will notice changes in all areas of their child as they slowly mature.
📹 Why Most Parenting Advice is Wrong | Yuko Munakata | TEDxCU
Parenting books promise to show people how to raise happy, successful children, and in the process to reveal why each of usĀ …
My dad wasn’t around a lot when I was a kid. When I saw him, he was always angry. However, my dad did one thing rightā¦ He always told me that he wasn’t mad at me, he was mad at what I did. That one statement had a huge impact in how I raised my kidsā¦ This talk confirmed something I knew, but could never have explained. Thank you.
Repair really works, even years later. A few months ago, my mom and I “replayed” a scene from my childhood – from 24 years ago, when I was 8 – wherein I felt I had to minimize my needs in order to not be an inconvenience, in order to be “good.” At age 32, replaying this memory, I asked my mom for reassurance that asking for my needs to be met wasn’t bad, and she said something incredible: “You don’t have to be *good.*” I cried for so long and felt a huge weight lift. And now that scene from my childhood, that memory, I don’t even think about it anymore. I used to think about it all the time when I was upset. It truly is never too late.
I’m a father for the first time. My son in almost three. I do yell at him more than few times during last year and a half. During that time I’ve taken a DBT skills training, have listen couple of dozens webinars about self-regulation, NVC, etc. But these two sentences about agreeing that I just said something which I’m not proid of and it’s not defining me as a parent seem to be a game changer. Althoug my son is just and almost three yeara old, I’ll repair the situation tomorrow morning. The sooner, the quicker I learn how to do that and the better our relationship. Thank you ā¤
My mother died never apologizing to me for what she put me through. I’m messed up today and can’t make decisions for myself. I get confused easily and I think horribly about myself when someone compliments me. I don’t like taking pictures with people. I have two children and I apologize to my 5 year old and accept accountability for what I’ve done. But finding a balance is hard when you think everything is your fault. This article honestly helped me more than most therapists have. Thank you
Throughout this talk I did feel myself tearing up, not from a parents perspective, but a childs. My relationship with my parents wasn’t always great, and still isn’t all the time. Repair is the perfect expression for what I’ve subconsciously been trying to do, not just with myself lately, but the people around me. Always trying to minimize harm, but never really being satisfied with the changes I see, and sometimes unsuccessfully bridging the gap with the people I love. Seeing repair in a new light, that disconnect is a fork in the road, and the action you take determines whether you strenghten or weaken your bonds, is mind-opening on a sincere level for me. I’ve always struggled managing my own feelings, not quite understanding other’s. I’m honestly a little overwhelmed right now, but it feels nice to put into words what a life lesson this seemingly simple talk has been. I hope you know how impactful sharing your story with the world truly can be. Thank you, Becky.
– Repair involves acknowledging moments of disconnection, taking responsibility for one’s behavior, and addressing the impact on the other person. – Repair is not just about apologizing but about reconnection and addressing the emotional impact. – Repairing with children can have a lifelong impact, teaching them valuable emotional regulation and communication skills. It is never too late to repair and improve relationships with children.
I stumbled on your article while searching for some parenting advice because of me yelling most of the time when I get frustrated. This really hits me hard. I am so struggling with calming myself down when in a heated situation.😢 I felt sorry for my child. But you know what I do? I don’t let her go to sleep without me apologizing for my behaviour because I don’t want to see myself to her one day. I don’t want her to be like me. I want to let her know that it’s not her fault, it was mine.😢 I don’t want her to grow old and picture me as a terrible mom. I want to be her safest place someday.
I balled through this talk. My oldest daughter is now 12. Since my divorce, i dont get to see her much. For 6 years she, her mom and her little sister, endured my emotional disregulation following a brain injury. Having worked hard to regain control (4 counsellors, meds, daily exercise, clean lifestyle, and a team of about 45 different medical professionals), i now have a good coparenting relationship with her mom and the most amazingly positive relationship with her little sister. I think our youngest was too young to remember the worst, but my oldest and I continue to struggle. Thank you for this Ted Talk. I think you were able to articulate, what I have struggled so hard to sort out. With your insights, I now know how to approach a letter I have been trying to write for two years to my daughter. Thank you so much.
I’m grateful that it isn’t too late for me to repair a rupture that was never my childrens’ fault. This was both healing and humbling. You’ve inspired me so much. I take responsibility & want to be an example of Repair to my young-adult kids, one of which just had her first baby. What a gift this was for me!
I am working to heal all of this. Thank you, Becky! Sometimes it’s not just yelling, but also dismissing feelings, ideas, or not listening (it’s always important to listen when kids or others want to talk), or being present, and so much more. Learning to be in the moment and be responsive and supportive and also to repair. Being able to make it about the other person and helping them heal and not about me or my “failure” (it happened and I can fix it).
This is the most beneficial, and self-improving TED talk I’ve heard in my life considering I grew up in a household where there was not much conversation about important issues. Thank you for shedding some light on the basic ways to communicate effectively with others in my family, and also with my partner. Thank you for being on this earth!!
Thank you so much for this talk. I cried while I was perusal your article. I am now 30 years old, became a mother myself but I feel like I never stopped being a child and desperately need my parents’ repair! My parents blamed me for their failed marriage, their unhappy relationships outside of the house because THEY HAD NOONE TO BLAME, so they chose their own child to blame. Until now I still struggle to stop self-blaming for what I did or what others did. But I wanted to improve that and want to give myself to chance to heal from the childhood’s trauma, so I found a technique : I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes to protect my son from what I had experienced because I know how much it destroyed a person’s future. And every time I accidentally yell or act crazily to my son, I apologized to him, I told myself ” That is what my parent should tell me” and then I heal a little by little. I hope that one day I could find peace, and hope that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life to do so.
This TED talk about the importance of repair in parenting truly resonated with me. As a parent, it’s easy to feel the weight of perfection, but her message reminds us that we all make mistakes. What matters most is our ability to repair those moments of disconnection. Her example of a tense interaction with her son beautifully illustrates how meaningful repair can be in preventing lasting distress and self-blame. I appreciate the idea of seeing repair as an opportunity for growth and connection, as it fosters trust, safety, and stronger bonds with our children. This talk serves as a valuable reminder that, as parents, we have the power to mend and strengthen our relationships. Thank you for sharing!
I listen to this at 1:44 in the morning. I had a horrific childhood with my mother, but broke the cycle with my sons, but there was still a little verbal anger left over this article is so beautiful. I sent it to both my sons now truly finally found someone, I can listen to in my children as well. God bless you.
This article delivers a powerful message about the fundamental importance of connection in parenting. Understanding that genuine connection fosters trust, resilience, and emotional well-being in children is truly eye-opening. Incorporating this strategy into our parenting approach can revolutionize the way we nurture our kids and strengthen our bond with them. Thank you for sharing such valuable insights!
Incredible talk! This is something all parents need to hear. There is so much pain among so many adults who were once children and treated poorly by their parents. Repair goes a long ways! I was constantly given the silent treatment and faced emotional neglect as a child. As a result, I grew up with terribly low self-esteem and now I am left dealing with cPTSD. Through countless therapy sessions, I am finally rounding the corner. I now have a child of my own and I am able to be a much better parent to her and hope to model the recommendations you have given in this talk. I sent this article to my parents as well. Thank you for this work you are doing!
i grew up with an unmedicated single schizophrenic mother (refused to take treatment as she didn’t believe the diagnosis). I remember vividly thinking that if I was good, she wouldn’t have extra stress and go into psychosis. Even if the yelling wasn’t at me, the impact was tremendous on my emotional state. She would often go into a state of clarity where should would cry and apologize for the trauma she causedā¦ followed by a rant about all the government agents and demons that were trying to kill us. I understand it’s not necessarily her fault and have consequently had to learn these self regulation techniques to the extreme. I’m 23 now and I can’t wait to employ better parenting practices on my future childrenā¤ Great and informative talk!
Parenting is a tough job, but I think makes most of us better people. We are forced to step up to the plate and become more than we were. Thanks for the brilliant talk and inspiring advice. A great transcendent message, and captivating speech — props to TED for hosting such a talented speaker and thoughtful mother!
I’m going through a few TED Talks for a college speech assignment and this article was by far the best. The topic is one of great importance to me and helped greatly. This presentation was formatted very well and really held my attention. Great job and congratulations on your success. I am looking forward to viewing more of your presentations. Thank you.
This is so important that we learn as parents! We can’t be perfect…but we can be humble enough to apologize and repair when we do make mistakes. If there’s one thing I want my children to learn, it’s that we all make mistakes, even mom. But we don’t have to stay in those mistakes and let them define us and our relationships. “I’m sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me” goes such a long way to connecting our hearts and repair the damage done.
. It’s so true that we all make mistakes, especially as parents, but the key is learning how to repair those moments of disconnection. It’s never too late to apologize and make amends with our children, and I love the idea of teaching them valuable skills like regulating their emotions and communicating effectively.
I get that this is about regulating your own behavior and rectifying damage done by being harsh…. But let’s not also forget to address that the child needs to learn gratitude. Would love to hear how the “professional, ideal” parent responds. “It makes me feel X when you Y?” Too often I feel modern parents forget the teaching and discipline side of parenting…. If my kid said that at a friend’s house I failed as a parent.
That is your perspective. Unleashing anger toward people, especially your children, is an important expression, if you remain in control of your emotions. Shielding your child from such outbursts, does not provide the tools necessary for your child to face the world, where they will often encounter such situations. Your child, will learn their comments need to be reigned in, and that Mom or Dad does not stop loving them, but is showing ways to deal with conflict. Repairing, is something everyone should learn too.
It is so hard to self-regulate when you were never taught as a child. I do find that teaching it to the next generation – even if it is hard to practice what you preach – has its own self-healing capacity. My parents will probably never take ownership of their shortcomings, but my inner child is listening and there’s a similar effect when I own up for mine.
I think you can acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for how you responded, whilst also teaching your child the importance of being respectful, particularly when they aren’t getting what they want. So you could say something like: I apologise for how I responded to you in the kitchen last night. I shouldn’t have yelled at you and in the future I will try my best to remain calm even when I’m annoyed. It’s also important for you to be aware that your words and actions can impact people. So when you say yuck at the food I have spent time preparing for you, it didn’t make me feel great. I know you weren’t happy with what was on offer, but there are better ways of expressing this. For example you could say something like: Please can we not have chicken again after today for a while? I’d really like to have something else, but thanks for cooking for me. To me this this is an effective way of repairing whilst also letting the child know what they did wasn’t ok either.
That last part is really powerful. Go watch “Good Will Hunting”, the scene with Robin Williams telling a messed up young Matt Damonā¦”its not your fault” over and over. Truly heartbreaking and impactful, and really shows in the darkest of examples that even older children when told, and believe, that it isn’t their fault, find a way out of trauma and into acceptance and healing. Of course if he was a little terror and it is their fault something happened then this wont work but lets assume this is not the case, then micro adjustments and ongoing healing can be a powerful tool to raising confident emotionally stable young adults.
This is so insightful 👏🏾. I wish I could receive such a call, but I probably will never. Not because my mum has passed away, no. And not because she is narcissistic and toxic, no. But because she continues to live in the very environment that made her be the expressive mother she was. I would not be surprised if I am even blamed for being the reason she stayed. But she is alive this far, isn’t she. But is she really alive on the inside? Am I and my siblings alive on the inside? I pray 🙏🏾 we are more aware parents to our kids to allow for rupture and repair 🙏🏾. I love you, mum wherever you are, I always will.
I am currently in therapy with my grown daughter I feel so hopeful and know that God answered my prayer for guidance and healing of our relationship. How I wish that I had these tools as a young mother. Taking full responsibility for my choices and behaviors that were traumatizing to my daughter, which were never intentional but never the less were very much traumatizing how the being able to use these tools our relationship would never have gotten to the point it is now. I feel very grateful for the opportunity to make repair. effectively repair.
00:04 🤔 The concept of repair in relationships is applicable to any meaningful relationship. 01:42 💡 “Get good at repair” is the single most important parenting strategy. 05:52 💔 Self-blame in childhood can lead to core fears and negative mental health outcomes in adulthood. 06:24 🛠 Repairing a past event effectively changes the narrative and can lead to personal growth. 07:53 🤝 Start with self-repair, separate behavior from identity, and focus on positive change. 08:56 🚸 Repair with your child by acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility, and stating what will be done differently. 09:27 ā Avoid “not repair” by blaming the child or insinuating they caused the negative reaction. 10:27 💚 Repairing with a child today sets the stage for healthy adult relationship patterns. 11:27 😱 It’s never too late to start repairing relationships with your child, regardless of their age. 12:00 📞 Imagine receiving a call or letter from your parent apologizing for past moments and expressing a willingness to listen and understand. It can have a profound impact on you. 13:42 🎯 The impact of an actual repair on your child can be even greater than the imagined exercise.
I love you I really admire your work,your honesty,I am mummy of two children, had a bed argument with my 12 year’s old son on Saturday, definitely going to repair,for sure I do try my best all the time,but I am still selfish from one point, feeling down lately, training to find my passion, don’t like going to my work, because I do complain about what I don’t like,the system there,my colleague they don’t like when I say what I think,it is stressful and unmotivated me all the way I am in position when I can’t do anything,have no childcare… anyway,thank you appreciate it everything, sending hugs and love 💕
While this is a good message mostly, Teaching your child to be more observant of an overwhelmed parent and teaching them to learn to help rather than exacerbate a situation, you’ll both have a better future moving forward and your child will be more well adapted to handling things with different personalities and situations in the world. It’s important to repair, but it’s important to teach consideration as well.
Great talk As a kid, there were moments when I had faulted with my mother who I lost recently. Now, whenever I reminisce about her, I feel guilty. However, this talk of yours made me realise that at least I’ve now a chance to be a better parent. Not only that, I can be a better person while dealing with anyone, so as to make amends or how you have put it – “repair”. And it is never too late to repair as long as that person is alive. Else, I can only feel guilt once that person leaves me for good.
Parenting in 2024: Broken homes, contact visits, teens leave for Uni & meet their new life partner and never return – meaning you won’t see your grandchildren. Dropping off your tired kids off at “breakfast club” at stupid-o-clock in the morning so both career driven parents can get to the office. Then, at the end of the day heat up over-processed convenience food and stare at screens all night.
I’m not a parent, I’m actually almost 20, I was just doing some research but I reacted with the same thing: why am I crying? The thing is my mom apologized for my childhood recently, I didn’t really see it coming, I think I really resorted to guilt, I still do. I don’t know what to do cause I feel like I can’t fully open up to her, not because I resent her but the situation is that I’m kinda gay and I’m pretty sure she won’t accept it. And I feel very bad and guilty because I wish I wasn’t like this, or not such a coward, so I could at least get some clousure, but being so close to repairing our relationship the thought I could ruin it all, gets me paralyzed.
Since becoming a mother, I have realized just how much the way I was parented effects a lot of my reactions and triggers. It’s made my heart grow bigger with empathy for all of my fellow parents and also empathy for my own parents. And other people’s parents and how their kids turned out. You can just see why people behave the way they do when you see where they come from. Because at the end of the day, we are all doing our best. Even if our best looks worse than someone else’s best. Given our own childhoods and unresolved inner child wounds, we do our very best. I started drastically unbagging every single thing about myself and the “whys” so that I could show up for my baby better. That mom guilt of how I spoke to her or something I did out of pure unconsciousness became so unbearable that I HAD to make changes. That tiny little life who didn’t ask to be here who deserves the entire world, deserved a mom who took accountability for her own actions and one that healed herself. So my baby could do better as a parent in the future. That’s how these things change. Being a cycle breaker is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And something I’ve come to accept is that sometimes your best isn’t good enough, but it’s all you can give. So give it. And start becoming conscious of the unconscious. That’s the moment when you can legitimately apply a different way of doing something and change those habits. Good luck to all of you parents out there. We are doing the hardest most rewarding job on the planet.
Imagine berating yourself for having a completely rational reaction to someone being so spoilt that they call the food you are cooking for them and giving to them for free “disgusting”. That’s some first-world bullshzzzz right there. I’m assuming the food isn’t off and you prepared it in an edible way – like you didn’t marinate it in Windex. I brought that child into this world so it’s definitely not their fault they are in this situation right now and I don’t think yelling or blaming them would help anything. I wouldn’t make them the bad guy because they’re not, but I’d feel like a pretty bad guy to have raised such a child. They desperately need some f*ing perspective and I’d be more concerned that I failed as a parent to provide it. The advice is good, but that example shook me.
One question 🙋 I took it this way, correct me if I’m wrong. If you remember your past painful experience in the presence of a therapist which is a safe and connected relationship, the story of event changes and that’s how you change. Now let’s go to the question. I made a safer and more connected relationship with myself, now if I remember painful experience from my past with myself(safe, connected relation) does it change me? Is that what repair is?
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:04 🤝 Building meaningful relationships is crucial, not just in parent-child relationships but in all connections. 02:13 🛠ļø Focus on getting good at repair in parenting; repair is the act of addressing moments of disconnection. 03:14 🧘 Repair differs from an apology; it opens up a conversation and assumes there has been a rupture. 05:52 😔 Self-blame in childhood can lead to issues in adulthood, including depression and anxiety. 07:23 📚 Repair can effectively change the past and rewrite the story, adding elements like safety, connection, and love. 09:27 🚫 “Not repair” approaches, such as blaming the child, fail to reconnect and can perpetuate unhealthy patterns. 11:27 👶 Repairing with a child can teach them valuable skills in regulating emotions and effective communication. 12:00 🕰ļø It is never too late to repair and improve the parent-child relationship, no matter the age of the child. Made with HARPA AI
I agree completely with the apology and identifying what I did wrong and taking ownership. I try to help my kids take ownership too. In my better moments I have said “I overreacted and yelled and I’m sorry for that. Im a work in progress and you are too, we all are in this family. I’ll do better next time. That doesn’t mean it was ok to hit your sister, we both need to learn how to react better when we’re frustrated, can we do that together?” Adding the dimension of we’re in this together is important to me, I want them to see that they will always be a work in progress.
0:19: 😔 The speaker shares a personal story about a strained parent-child relationship and highlights the importance of gratitude and communication in meaningful relationships. 2:59: āØ Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on another. 5:57: ! Childhood stories of self-blame can lead to adult fears of being unlovable, but through repair, we can add missing elements and create a different ending. 9:10: 👥 Repairing the parent-child relationship through effective communication and emotion regulation. 11:47: 🕒 It is never too late to address past struggles and apologize for any wrongdoings. Recap by Tammy AI
You forgot to mention to the child that the way he yucked is also not right. Taking complete responsibility of the quarrel gives a fake impression to the child that it’s okay to yuck again. First and foremost responsibility of a parent is to try the best make their children grow into responsible individuals.
Wow that phone call exercise had me in tears. Just imagining what that would feel like, what it would be like to hear those words come from my parents ..i guess I need that call more than I realized ..maybe one day I’ll get it ..hoping against hope. 🤞🏽 Until then, I will never stop repairing with my child. I will do so until I take my last breath. They will know what accountability looks like and that they are safe, loved, and respected. 🙏🏽
This is lunacy. If your child has the thought in his mind that saying something like “Chicken again? Disgusting!” is ok then he’s already screwed. The idea that a child could ever even think such a disrespectful thought is crazy to me. And then to follow it up with “I hate you!”? I am pretty sure my parents would have murdered me if I ever uttered such a phrase. There would be no repairing me on that one.
I did love this lecture and I think a lot of parents need to hear that. We are teaching emotional regulation and it’s sometimes hard for us to regulate our own. We also need to remind ourselves that we can use the weak moments as learning experiences. Having a plan like that will definitely help. “Not my favorite” is still not very nice. After apologizing for yelling, I would definitely teach some better responses. He could just explain that he feels like you guys have had too many repeats with chicken and even throw in some ideas for tomorrow. He should definitely still thank you for cooking for him also.
Her kid’s response is due to a privileged upbringing where food has always been abundant, which causes a lack of appreciation. Had the kid grown up in a poor country where finding even a single bite to eat is challenging, he would have been in AMAZEMENT that he was about to eat a beautiful chicken dinner. Had that been my kid, I would have told him, that he wasn’t eating tonight. Once, when my children were in elementary school, we were looking for parking in the city. We wanted to go to this one shopping complex, and the only parking stall I could find was about a quarter of a mile away. One of my kids complained, “What!? We have to walk THAT FAR!!?” I immediately pulled out of the parking stall, and I drove even further away. I found a parking stall that was over one mile away. I told my kid, “You were born with healthy legs and with the PRIVILEGE to walk. Many people in this world cannot walk at all, due to illness or injury. So now, EVERY PLACE WE GO, we will experience the PRIVILEGE to walk until we can truly appreciate it.” Here’s the thing: I didn’t just punish my kid. I did not make him walk alone. ALL OF US walked. My kids NEVER complained about having to walk a long distance again. Today, they are much older, and they recall this incident with laughter. I got my point across in a meaningful, non-abusive manner. Don’t allow kids to get away with being complaining brats. Call them out on it, and educate them about how lucky they really are.
I like her speech but I don’t see any moment where the son apologizes for his mistake of being disrespectful and rude at her mom. I only see a mom, assuming her actions and apologizing for that, but the kid will think that everything that he said and how he acted was okay. They also need to understand that there are ways to express their emotions without being disrespectful and rude and also learn to be grateful for the food they have at home.
This is the first parenting article where im actually doing right!! I never had this growing up i was always left in the blame and blamed myself and it effects me today in everyday events. I never heard that it wasnt my fault or it was my mothers fault not mine, i never got a sorry. With my children especially my oldest girl 7 years old she has trouble with her emotions everyday, she is very active and had alot of things in her mind. 3 kids are overwhealming ontop of hospitals, mold cleaning moving and other things all at the same time so i have snapped ALOT. What I always ALWAYS do: Wait until im calm and they are calm, takes about 5-10 minutes. I go to them or her and sit with her and i start repeating what i did in much detail. I detail what i saw the look on her face that i saw her sad or how she reacted, how it made me feel. Example: I walked at you with a ugly look on my face and i saw that you got scared of the way my face had changed is that right? “yeah u scared me” Yes i saw that i scared you i couldnt stop my self and that was my fault it was not your fault. “but i dont know why i was behaving like that i was jumping around cause i was so excited but also tired and i was making a mess” (i know shes very good at telling her feelings for a 6 almost 7 year old). Me: yes it did overwhealm me but how i reacted was not your fault it was mine. I take both hands and stroke around the sides of her face with palms open to make her realize how serious i am and repeat “this was not your fault”. Normally she smiles and we hug and thats it. I will repeat that how others react or behave is not her fault until the day she will stop blaming herself for other peoples behaviour. <3 One day she will start to believe it š
While I’m all for repairing family relationships ECT … This view is just broken… Learning to self-blame is extremely important… It is impossible to be a good person without… However there’s a difference between healthy self-blame and delusional self-blame… If the child did something wrong it’s important teach them that the act they did was wrong …
I am so grateful for my 8 yr old son. Despite being ADHDer, he’s so mature, and wise, far more mature, and intelligent, than me. Everytime i snap, and yell for reasons totally unrelated to his behaviour, he remains totally chill, and CALMLY,with maturity beyond his age,explains,what should I be doing rather than yelling at him at the moment. He’s always on point. He’s regulating my adult, immature emotions… I am so ashamed everytime …
The idea of repair is correct. But I feel that the presenter is projecting her experiences on the rest of the population. I do not believe that every child goes into self loathing / self doubt mode when yelled at. I know I didn’t.. I got mad at my parents and went over all the ways they were wrong and I was right. Them coming to repair and validate my feelings did nothing but confirm my beliefs. I did feel better if there was an apology and a repair. But not because I could remove self blame and restore my faith in my parents. It was because I was proven correct and I had won the fight. I am sure I am not alone in this. Heck, her child may have felt the same.
It seems like the parent is taking all the blame and apologizing along repairing the situation. The kid should appreciate what they have and don’t feel entitled. It seems like ‘repair’ means that the child can do no wrong and all the burden is in the parent. Parenting should be a two way relationship where the parent educates and transfers values and the kid appreciates and learns. My father always told me when I was wrong and yelled many times and I never felt self blame or that I wasn’t loved. On the contrary, it opened my eyes and realized many things that as kids, I was taking for granted. This is how you educate entitled kids that can be corrected because everything you say to them may hurt their feelings. I don’t think this is a good way to raise kids.
The “Ask and ye shalt receive” style of parenting is my favorite. Not that the child is given exactly what is asked for but a reasonable patient answer is given along with a truly grateful thanks for the question, a compliment to past interactions! Sign that questions are important for learning to verbalize appropriately, that neglect is not forthcoming. That negative answers open doors for more questions! I hope a serious study of this technique is being considered although it may be beyond the possibility of some parents to sensibly apply this kind of parenting?
Well, I dont think yelling is The Evil Thing… Its a reflexion of an exaustive life and is totally understandable the way you did. I’ve talked to my soon since he was a baby and always explaining him real things on his “own words”. I do my best for him and I dont feel guilty if I have a single mistake… why whould I? He is a real person in a real world and one of his tasks is “understand the world like it is”, hence I dont need to make up a fake world for him. If he says some like your son did (my son already did it as well), I explained him about his “perfect life”, talked about a lot of poor kids that dont have even a bed to sleep at night and their food comes sometimes from the trash… and we have to be grateful for what we have. He never said that again, because he understood what’s going on and I gave him the opportunity to think as a person that lives in a real world. Kids grow up living in a real world, not in an imaginary world.
Agree with the last part of helping them to express what they feel without being hateful or hurtful. But disagree on the part that you as a parent take the full responsibility (and blame) even if the kid (whom from the vocabulary is not a baby) has say “disgusting” which is a form of verbal violence and aggression. That part also has to be acknowledged by the kid, otherwise in their life they are gonna feel with the right to express in whichever way they like even if its aggressive or violwnt. Which is the case in this new “soft parenting” wave in many cases.
Hm. After perusal this my mother is even more impressive. She never once yelled at me, never grounded me, never swore, never hit or degraded. She always responded to me with love and listened. EVERY SINGLE TIME. How the heck can I even compare to being as good as a mother as she was to me? This is my struggle.
While this is a good article, but I do have a question: Is the son really without fault? He seems to lack gratitude. If the “repair ” merely convinces him that it wasn’t his fault, how will he learn to be thankful? Doesn’t this risk raising a child who will only blame others for everything in the world? Or am I missing something here?
I always apologize if I feel like I overreact with my kids (I’m usually pretty good at staying calm, but I do reach a point of frustration). I didn’t do it the way that is recommended here though. I watched this article yesterday after getting frustrated with my six year old for making me late by not getting ready in time after telling her multiple times. She was clearly upset and internalized it. I said “I do not like being late” and she said, “you do not like me?” And I would tell her that’s not what I said, but it wasn’t processing. Anyway, I followed this advice exactly when I picked her up for school. When I told her it wasn’t her fault, I said it a few times and looked her right in the eye. I told her I want to do better next time but I don’t know what to do so I needed her help. She said I should be funny and be the “teeth brushing monster” and carry her into the bathroom. I did that in the evening and we were both happy and she got ready early! This morning she woke up and completely got ready 45 min early. I told her how impressed I was and she said, “it’s because of how you apologized yesterday.” I’m so grateful!!
Some things can’t be repaired, but, teaching your kid how to take personal responsibility, and effectively/reasonably communicate their emotions through example is never a bad idea. Teach the children all you can, while you can. We talk in my house. Nobody wants to yell, because they know I’ll shut it down swiftly and with a great lack of tolerance.
Interesting talk.. Thank you very much for sharing it to help lots of us find feet around this scape.. Allow me: I do think there should be an emphatic way to let the kid know that their manner of approach is not the best in the instance.. I mean, it’s not benefiting the kid to try and be ‘soft’ all the time.. I liked the outline to ‘Repair’.. Thanks again for your share..
Ti seguo sin da prima dei article di casalinga disperata e devo dire che i tuoi discorsi di allora comunque mi hanno ispirata molto nel formulare un’idea di come avrei voluto che fosse la mia vita lavorativa. Ti trovo sempre e comunque coerente con te stessa anche con i cambiamenti che normalmente avvengono nella vita 😊😊
I intended to watch this for studying purposes, but it turned into realizing that if my parents on days they were upset, and I got upset because i thought it was my fault and they cared enough to explain their side to me we’d have a better relationship I almost cried at the example phone call she gave.
The single most important parenting strategy is fostering a secure and loving relationship with your child. This foundational approach can be broken down into several key elements: Unconditional Love and Support: Show your child that they are loved and valued regardless of their achievements or behavior. Offer consistent emotional support and be there for your child through ups and downs. Effective Communication: Listen actively to your child and validate their feelings. Encourage open dialogue where your child feels safe to express their thoughts and concerns. Positive Reinforcement: Focus on rewarding positive behavior rather than punishing negative behavior. Use praise and encouragement to build your child’s self-esteem and motivate them to continue making good choices.
Im getting good doimg this with my son but people my age mostly my partner. Im horribble at it. I get defensive when told her feelings and after ive yelled abouf somethjng i never being it up again. My mum was super verbally abusive and i feel scared im unlike able so i get defensive. But it doesnt change the cycke so this year working on going out my comfort zone to repair with partner and try not slef blame when she shares here feeling as i know it stops me from listening.
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Repair is good, proactivity is better. Nobody is perfect, but understand your responsibilities before you take them on so that you can more easily be cool to yourself and others. Saving the world starts with becoming the best possible loving and creative human being you can become and then selflessly sharing that kindness with others. Excusing the ruptures continues to reinforce the narrative that we cannot achieve lasting harmony and happiness, but again, repair is good, treating yourself and others kindly is better.
My dad did the “I’m sorry but if you wouldn’t have” every time he screamed at me to the point that I just stopped listening to him. Eventually when he would scream at me and I would stand there and take it, and then come into my room to “Apologize” I would just refuse to talk to him because I knew exactly what he was going to say it wasn’t something I wanted to deal with. My dad never properly apologized to me for anything he put me through and it’s why I don’t call him to see how he’s doing or to see how his day is going. I call him when I absolutely have to.
I want to repair. I don’t want my child to self blame (she does not control MY response and is NOT responsible for it). But I DO want my child to “read the room”. I do want her to watch her complaints, especially in the light of others efforts. And, you don’t slam doors in my house. That sort of disrespect is never accepted in my family and really not in our larger culture. I am always an elder and should receive the respect that comes with it in the same way I show that respect to my elders (mother in law, aunts, etc).
Things don’t always turn out how we expect. If parents are always perfect and repairing it’s also possible that the child will always expect that from everyone in their life. And when that doesn’t happen they will be left disappointed. I am not saying don’t do it. All I am saying is let’s take it for what it is and not predict what the repercussions will be in the future.
I have contradictory feelings about this example. I would probably say it differently, not trying to take a full responsibility and blame for something that I actually didn’t do. But also giving the child an appreciation for a full picture. This sounds like shielding the child from the fact that he was disrespectful. So I would say that I’m sorry for the way I responded that time. I yelled and this is never an acceptable way of communicating. And I’m sorry I scared my child. However I want him to know how I felt at the time. It’s not an excuse, but he needs to understand that people behave badly when they feel bad. I was tired and felt like no cooking at all. I put my last bit of energy towards that chicken. So I had little capacity to control my emotions when I got a criticism. And so we both can try and learn better communication techniques next time. I will try first. Now that I’m calm, I can hear you better. I totally get it that you got tired of eating chicken. How about you help me with your favorite meatballs next time.
Proverbs 22:6 advises, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This verse emphasizes the foundational role of early education and guidance in shaping a child’s character and beliefs. The phrase “train up” implies intentional and consistent teaching, not only through words but also through actions and example. Educating children from a young age in the ways of the Bible instills moral values, wisdom, and a strong faith foundation that can guide them throughout their lives. The verse suggests that this early training will have a lasting impact, influencing their decisions and behavior even into adulthood. In a broader sense, Proverbs 22:6 underscores the responsibility of parents, educators, and mentors to nurture children spiritually and morally, ensuring they grow up with a solid understanding of biblical principles. This verse encourages proactive engagement in teaching and modeling Godly values from an early age, recognizing the profound impact it can have on shaping a child’s future path.
One question – how do you repair with your parent when they arent willing to repair? When they continue to blame you or their estrained former spouse (who they think youre modeling your behavior after) for all their problems? When they’re so focused on their past & how they were harmed by their former spouse, they cant see their future? This talk was great to hear, just hard to accept when you know something like this will never happen for you.
I think we need to take responsibility for our actions and words. The child should also take responsibility for what he said because it was hurtful and the parent shouldn’t try to take all the blame. I agree with repairing the relationship. But each side of the party should, at one point understand what they did wrong and next time be more thoughtful. Children need to learn as well, to be grateful and not disrespectful to their parents, especially, after reading some parts of the Collapse of parenting. I really think parents need to parent, not the other way around. Its the strategy and im still learning with my kid.
What she calls repair is in fact the act of forgive and that’s biblical, the concept is wide open in the Bible in several gospels. You recognise you did wrong, you acknowledge the impact this might have had and just say “forgive me”. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing precisely because it provides light in the darkness of the lows we all have in our lives. Mandela also said that long time agoā¦
Children might grow up in the same house, but NEVER the same home. I have 3 children, a 12yr old, 6yr old, 10mth old. These children are unique of course, but the critical point is IM a different parent to each of them. They will by definition have different childhood experiences because they have not lived the exact same time line as each other. They have not experienced the same experiences. Parents DO have a massive influence. Be mindful. Be careful. Be loving.
I never read any book, articles, watched articles, about parenting. I took my children one day at the time, respecting them all the time. Never yelled at them, or call them names, or criticized or judging them. My grown-up son told me a while ago, “you were a very good father. You gave us a lot of freedom.” My approach was just the basics: without freedom, there is no respect; without respect, there is no love.
Many people commenting on this article are faulting her for eschewing the mention of abusive parents that have negative affects on their children. That’s an obvious correlation, but “abusive” parents are not her target audience here; she’s speaking to the parents who actually put effort into raising their kids and care about their kids’ future. Of course if you abuse your children, they will not develop properly; she is not trying to defend abuse. She’s saying that if you try your best to teach and love your childrenāthere’s not much more you can do for the sake of their future. Children are not exempt from the nature of carving their own path as adults do. You can only do so much, but the rest is in their hands. To sum this upāand this is super cliche,ābut children are like flowers that you water so they’ll grow into who they’re meant to be. She’s not talking to the parents who don’t water their flowers.
As a new parent the stress you can feel when you believe everything you do can impact your child in the long term is extremely hard even when you feel you need to be happy and positive. Thank you for helping shed some light on what is important. Appreciate how powerful the moment can be because of what they mean for you and your child right now not because of what they mean for your child long term which you do not know. I won’t forget those words. Lots of love to all the loving parents and kids out there 💖
Its both nature & nurture. An apple seed will grow into an apple tree, that is nature, but how and under what conditions and environment it grows can influence how fruitful and strong the tree grows. Not all siblings are the same, and thats why they all turn out differently in the same environment. In the comments it looks like many parents now pat themselves on the back and will carry on just as they are thinking nothing is their fault.
She has alot of interesting points, but I found it a little one dimensional. She didn’t touch on how abusive or neglecting parents will affect their child’s development. I am certain that if my father wasn’t so cold, manipulative and emotionally demeaning I wouldn’t struggle with depression and low self esteem today.
As a divorced dad, the feeling of not always being there for my boys can be overwhelming. It can be very hard to lose focus and try and anticipate the proverbial hurricane they’re becoming. Thank you for reminding me to love my boys in the moment and stop trying to worry about things that aren’t in my control.
Parents should do the following 1 Give kids the fundamental feeling of security and love by the age of 5, when their brains get programmed. Lack of this is known for the cause of personality disorders. 2 Understand kids’ feeling and communicate 3 Protect them from serious damage 4 Teach kids very basic, fundamental level of ethics, moral, tenacity, common sense and empathy. Don’t overdo it. Just very basic level. Especially 1 and 2 are the most important.
This is about individual strengths and weaknesses, personality traits, etc that we are all born with which determines how we will cope as adults. I think it’s far too simplistic, I understand it’s a ted talk which limits the time available to discuss this, but even with that this is extremely simplistic and somewhat patronising. “Don’t blame your parents” this is an unfair thing to say to people who have grown up in despair and abuse. While they may be born with their own unique coping habits they will absolutely be effected by the way they were raised. Every single child benefits from being being raised in a secure and loving home. Maybe the speaker is using this as a baseline and assuming we will do the same, but it should have been discussed. Parenting does matter when it comes to abuse vs security and love.
“Don’t blame your parents,” yeah, the verbal and emotional abuse my parents put me thorough definitely made me need therapy for years. One of them told my suicidal brother to “stop lying for attention and just do it” and I think he has some trauma from that. But yeah, totally not my parents’ fault…
been feeling down depressed since very young and tried to live with it all my life surviving serious episodes with my MS and knowing the importance of mental health I feel alone in a country where depression is not understood or taken seriously. Live with suicidal thoughts every day wishing would be courageous enough to end my hurting being way too painful to take. Where I am now (central Italy) depression is considered not important or serious and the person is left to live with it suffering too much. I admire you a lot and wish could be stronger and smart like you. Thank you for sharing your story and have a serene and merry Christmas. The US is lucky to have you there so close by š
I think what I’ve learned most from this article, is that, parenting has simultaneously a lot of impact and no impact at all. You could be the meanest parent in the world and still end up with a caring and kind person as your child (and vice versa). We have no idea how our parenting is going to affect our kids. However, how much respect and care we give to are our children might just dictate how mentally-okay they are in the future. So, love your child, treat them with kindness and respect, and spend every day with them like it’s the last.
My sister was wild and a difficult child so my parents beated her and abused her. I was a calm quite child and would do everything not to upset my parents, I was still beated and abused because I was just a punching bag. The emotional abuse was even stronger towards me in order for me to get a “reaction”.
I don’t know, I never understood why some people think that violence will earn you respect, why shouting or stern rules will earn you the love of a child. Maybe, they didn’t even want children. Maybe, they wanted their children to suffer through what they did. Or maybe, they don’t know what to do? Human can be so… so weird. I was raised in a lovely household with loving parents, but I know that not everyone is that lucky. There is such a thin line and once you damage a child you cannot undo that and if then only very very slowly. I am not even having a child and yet I worry of becoming too careless or too careful, too much or too less. I would want my child to be proud of whom they are, to be kind and have a sense of what is fair and what not. Sure, they may be things I cannot control. But what if I lose my patience one day and get loud? I would feel so bad… see my dilemma!?
She is half right because whats she is describing is personality, you can never change personality but for her to say your parenting cant effect your child is bull. Abuse or neglect can effect your child or letting them think they are the boss and much more can effect their life. So theres 2 different things
Studies in behavioural sciences have managed to ascertain the correlation between different parenting styles and the acquisition of prosocial behaviour among children. Scholars drawn from various social sciences and sociology have continued to study to understand better the connection between different parenting styles and prosocial behaviour in children. Different parenting styles have been identified that parents use to guide their children into the right behavior. The most popular parenting style includes the authoritarian. A notable general issue in parenting is that different parenting styles effectively facilitate the development of prosocial behaviors compared to others. Findings from various studies conducted in this area have revealed that authoritarian parenting style negatively affects prosocial behavior in children. This discussion focuses on reviewing the available literature on how the authoritarian parenting style affects prosocial behavior in children. \tParenting style can either be aligned to the aspect of responsiveness or demandingness. According to Carlo et al., responsiveness refers to parental support and further explains the degree to which a parent exhibit affection in bettering the relationship with their child (Callaghan & Corbit, 2018). On the other hand, demandingness is a dimension of parenting style founded more on the aspect of control and explains the degree to which parents are strict towards their children in enforcing the desired standard of behavior.