Being an introverted personality type (INTJ) does not imply lack of social skills, but rather focuses on energy, understanding, perception, and thinking. Introversion is not shy, but it allows for proper command of respect and influence. Self-acceptance breeds self-confidence, which can help INTJs feel at ease in their own skin and confident in their abilities.
To become more social, INTJs should embrace introversion as a strength, set realistic expectations for growth, and improve social skills step-by-step. Expressing emotions to build confidence is essential. To become more social, INTJs should focus on receiving compliments, networking, and staying engaged in their interests.
Developing social skills is challenging for INTJs due to their tendencies, but they can improve their one-on-one persuasion by recognizing their own emotions. Making friends is not an easy task for INTJs, as they often dislike gossip and drama. However, practice, going out of their comfort zone, and compassionately analyzing their emotions can help them improve their social skills.
Successful communication for an INTJ involves taking time to ponder the discussion topic, taking breaks during conversations, and understanding the other person’s position. Interacting with others, taking small steps, encouraging others to talk, setting clear objectives, and giving compliments are all ways to improve social skills. The most effective way to develop social skills is to put yourself in environments where you are constantly interacting with new people.
📹 3 Tips for INTJs to Improve Your Social Life
Going over the top 3 issues I’ve noticed for INTJs and my tips to remedy them. Want to support the channel? Here are a few ways …
Do INTJs have good social skills?
Introverts (INTJs) often face criticism for their lack of social skills, but they actually possess excellent social skills. They are selective about who sees them, often portrayed as distant, rude, and mysterious characters in movies. However, in real life, they are often invisible, as they are not prominently featured in media. INTJs often make enemies because they understand others well but don’t make an effort to understand them.
As a result, everyone in their family, including parents, seeks advice on how to interact with others, asking questions about communication styles and deepest desires, as they know they understand how each person’s brain works. This understanding of others’ communication styles and desires demonstrates their ability to understand and interact with others.
How to improve INTJ personality?
To achieve INTJ success, it is essential to feed your strengths, face your weaknesses, talk through your thoughts, take in everything, respect your need for intellectual compatibility, be accountable for yourself, be humble, assume the best, and don’t get isolated. Explore the worlds of science, mathematics, law, and medicine to allow your brilliant intuition and logical abilities to flourish. Face your weaknesses and strive to overcome them using judgment against your internal ideas and intuitions.
Talk through your thoughts and take advantage of discussing ideas with others. Externalizing your internal intuitions can be a valuable exercise, and expressing ideas clearly in writing can be beneficial. Take in everything, work through anger before impressing it upon others, and be aware of other’s emotional needs. Be yourself, judge yourself as harshly as you judge others, and assume the best.
Don’t dwell on the dark side of everything; there is a positive charge for every negative charge, and positive situations are created by positive attitudes. Expect the best and expect the best to come forward. Don’t get isolated and interact with the external world in your natural style. Join clubs and internet email lists that house in-depth discussions of topics that interest you, and seek and foster friendships with others of like competence and capacity for understanding. Extravert in your own style.
How can an INTJ become more social?
Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are adept at listening and possess a certain degree of wit. However, they often exhibit a lack of charisma in their verbal interactions. One straightforward method for enhancing their conversational abilities is through the incorporation of humor.
What jobs are perfect for INTJ?
INTJs, or ‘Masterminds,’ are strong individuals who seek new perspectives and are self-confident. They are independent and value the future over the past. They build systems and apply theoretical models, focusing on possibilities. INTJs make up 2. 1% of the U. S. population and are known for their introversion and intuition. They value the big picture and future, and prefer careers with autonomy. They are often found in positions such as database administrator, dentist, economist, electrical/electronic technician, financial analyst, graphic designer, human resources manager, and judge.
Is it hard for INTJ to make friends?
INTJ personalities prioritize depth and quality in friendships, preferring a few good friends over a large circle. They are not influenced by appearances or social status, and are not afraid to befriend people who might be considered “outsiders”. They value values like intellect, honesty, self-improvement, or a different perspective. In friendships, INTJs seek intellectual matches and enjoy those who challenge their ideas and expose them to new concepts.
They value independence and don’t want their friends to feel beholden to them. An ideal friendship is low maintenance, low drama, and based on genuine enjoyment of each other’s company, rather than obligation. INTJs are not afraid to befriend people who challenge their ideas and steer conversations in unexpected directions. They value intellectual stimulation and independence in their relationships.
What is the weakest function of INTJ?
INTJs, who are often weak in extraverted sensing, may struggle with being present, appreciating sensory experiences, and coordination. They may also be uncomfortable with physical activity and struggle with coordination or physical skills. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a personality test used to understand an individual’s strengths, weaknesses, communication style, and preferred work environment. The test measures four dichotomies of personality: extraversion/introversion, sensing/intuition, thinking/feeling, and judging/perceiving.
Does INTJ lack empathy?
Individuals with the INTJ personality type demonstrate a distinctive capacity for empathy and compassion, despite their characteristic processing of emotions. It is of the utmost importance to recognize and appreciate the diversity of empathetic expression, rather than adhering to narrow stereotypes of empathy.
What is the weak function of INTJ?
Individuals with the INTJ personality type, who are characterized as introverted-extroverted, exhibit a diminished cognitive function known as Se. This enables them to process information through their senses. This function may contribute to a sense of vitality and engagement with the external world, as evidenced by the experiences of notable figures such as Thomas Jefferson, C. S. Lewis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gandalf, and Lance Armstrong.
Who is the hardest partner for INTJ?
INTJs are curious and often seek knowledge, but they may not get along well with sensing or judging personality types. They are not good at solving problems and may overlook their ideas, leaving them bored. INTJs are not good at dating or romance, but they analyze their romantic partners and may judge others to determine if they are a good fit. If they find someone they are interested in, they talk to them, ensuring their values are similar and they will give them independence. The partner should recognize that INTJs may put work before the relationship, and if that is agreed upon, they see them as a prospect.
Which MBTI is most social?
The ESFP personality type, also designated as “the entertainer,” is distinguished by its exceptional social interaction abilities, exemplary interpersonal skills, and capacity to foster a sense of belonging in others, thereby becoming the focal point of any gathering.
What is the biggest turn on for INTJ?
The majority of individuals identified as INTJs tend to regard intellectual discourse as a significant source of stimulation.
📹 How to Human as an INTJ
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INTJ’s and INTP’s get confused a lot. My sister used to say I look and remind her of Daria but then later on I took the MBIT and turned out to be INTJ. It is hard to find good friends often as an INTJ female, most personality types don’t understand us. So if I find a good like-minded friend I value that friendship and will stay loyal to them for as long as I can.
Im an INTJ, and this vid is great advice. I found a good approach to socializing is to treat it like exercise. Meet people or see the same people consistently the same way you would eating healthy. Some groups won’t fit and you will say dumb thing, but who cares. It will also take a very, very long time to develop close relationships nowadays with post-covid mental health effects. But I believe INTJs are the most capable to force a positive outcome they desire through pure effort and consistency, not relying on any “natural” charm
As an INTJ, I often struggle with social interactions and understanding how to navigate relationships effectively. Your advice on treating people how they want to be treated, rather than how I want to be treated, really resonated with me. It’s a simple concept, but one that can be easily overlooked. I also appreciate your emphasis on respecting others’ feelings and boundaries, and the reminder that everyone’s experiences and struggles are unique. I look forward to implementing these tips in my own life and seeing the positive changes they can bring. Keep up the great work!
Interesting article! As an INTJ, I went through SO MUCH before I became decent at socializing. What helped me is going to the gym and forcing myself to small-talk with strangers. I was timid and awkward at first, but after a few months it became like a sport for me. I got to know many people that have interesting jobs and hobbies. I learned to tame my ego (I didn’t realize how big it was until I tried to control it) and to focus completely on the other person. This has a magical effect and many people felt loved because they were listened to. It isn’t really that hard.. we INTJs just think it’s beneath us to listen to others! Yes, I can’t go on hours and hours doing this but 1/2-2 hours isn’t too bad for one day. Also, asking for help (even though I knew I could google it) helped me become friends with an amazing person that I deeply love.
Very helpful tips, Jon. I waver back and forth between not empathetic enough, and too empathetic (because I overdo it trying to be social and friendly) which comes off as fake, I think. Striking a balance as an INTJ is tricky. I really like what you said with other peoples feelings not being your responsibility “You’re absolutely right, and thats why you’ll die alone” or whatever it was lol. Something can be CORRECT but NOT HELPFUL at the same time. I had an early start in performance arts (music and drama) so I had a bit of an advantage over a typical INTJ at that age because I learned the important of playing to one’s audience. For a time, I actually was better in front of a crowd than one-on-one because of that, go figure lol.
As an archetypal INTJ, this was very, very difficult to watch. But I saw through til the end because most — if not all — of the points you raised are grounded in pure logic. Thank you for distilling ideas I normally would not give a rodent’s behind about lol. Compromise is and will always be a hard no for me, but subbed for your excellent discussions. 🏆
It is so wonderful to hear your words of wisdom, Jon. I’ve been so busy, I haven’t heard you in forever. My INTJ has told me he loves me, but not often and I am fine with that. Reason being, he works 16 hours a day and still spends time with me, even if it is only a short text. It blows my mind that some people don’t like INTJ, but you make valid points about it. I hope you are happy and things are going well for you. I’m copy editing a book for a friend and it keeps me busy. Be well.
Treating others they way they want to be treated is the platinum rule. When I first learned about it, it really shifted my perspective because I am very much am a logical thinker but wasn’t thinking about the impact my actions have on people’s emotions. That’s when I decided to observe body language and micro-expressions of other people when they were speaking near me (not with me). So when I did get the chance to engage in conversation, I’m always improving and taking note of non-verbal cues as a way of distinguishing emotions from other because our innate body language responses don’t lie.
I’m only 2.43 minutes into the article and it hits hard. Not the way it hurts, but the fact that its mindblowing. Me growing up was always taught to treat others how you want others to treat them. It never came to my mind to view from that perspective. I’m always going how would I want them to treat me in this situation and then act accordingly. Just the first tip is super useful, but how does other people want to be treated? Just had to type this out before finishing the article, will resume to see if this gets answered. Also not be agreeing that I can live and alone and Jon had to tell me off by asking me to leave. Nah I still need to learn people to control, so lets learn about them. People are useful.
Thank you this is the ideal article which I needed. I have been learning not to people please lately and I am finding that the balance between being amicable to others and remaining true to myself is difficult. I’ve noticed people can be very repelled be me at first meeting. I hope I can use some of these tips to melt some of my “ice” 😉
As an INTJ who always struggled with socializing, what helped me is seeing it as a skill to obtain or a challenge. In the end, for whatever you want in life, knowing how to talk to people is absolutely necessary and I see the benefits of it in the long term. I always joke that I became good at talking to people since 2/3 years only, i was super awkward before. What helped me is analyzing extraverts behavior around me and adapt what I see to my own style. Having an ESFP best friend helped a lot to develop my Se. But also INFJ, ENFJ, ENFP helped a lot. I got deeper at the end of last year in wanting to improve my social skills when I learned I was an INTJ. Many things made sense and i could see my weaknesses clearly. And that’s how the project SOCIAL SKILL IMPROVEMENT was born haha. I forced myself to go to social events every week for months (book clubs, meeting new people in the city, parties etc,sports events…) I find it easier to be in situations where there is something to do and then you talk about it. My goal was to talk to at least one new person every time and had specific tasks in mind. I started this in September last year and now I’m much more comfortable with it, I know how to small talk and have interesting conversations with anyone. These past few weeks, I’ve been receiving compliments from different people about how I changed. My friends and managers see me more confident when I talk. The ultimate compliment was when different people I met recently thought I was an extrovert.
Hey, this is your INFJ brethren. I find your advice particularly helpful for me as well. Though my vibe doesn’t exactly match with yours all that well – due to my Te not being valued – I still see myself as particularly introverted and having a very low social drive. It makes me wonder whether something’s wrong with me because I see so many people around me making friends and romantic partners – I have that awareness of how others play the social game, but I am unwilling to participate in it. That isn’t a conscious choice, however – that’s just how my energy flows. I prefer to be with myself and use my imagination to get on through the day. For me it seems so weird to entertain small talk, but I also feel like that would be natural for me to be friendly in that way: as long as I can sense in the other side their intelligence which doesn’t necessarily have to show through smart abstract talk – for example, their sentence making and the vibe they present are enough for me to make a solid judgment about them. Keep on doing the good work. Thousands have found wisdom in your words and have learned a bit more about themselves, even if they’re not INTJs. Everyone has their own story and will relate to you in their way. As I’m 17, I don’t try to force myself into any cognitive model – I find what aspects of it are the most relatable to me and go along with it. I’m still developing and I find no need to squeeze into a box, just to barely qualify as an Introverted Intuitive or as an Extraverted Feeler according to some rigorous standards.
I do a variation on asking someone for help that works very well. Often when I’m talking to friends they might give me insights, suggestions or ideas on the topic. It could be functional things, emotional things, issues I’m dealing with, really any topic. Being an INTJ the majority of the time I already have thought of and maybe even planned on doing the thing that they’re talking about. But I always make sure in the conversation to circle back to their ideas and give them credit as if they gave me the idea and I’m grateful for it and it’s super helpful. They always perk up and feel like they’ve done something good and like they’ve been a good friend (which they have). I never let them know that I had already come up with the idea myself lol works like a charm and it’s a win-win.
Great tips Jon 👍 I think people don’t like us becoz we are authentic & intimidating ( even when I don’t try) Also, we don’t like to stick to a group for the sake of being present ( Trickster Fe) when the group start to make a decision & if I don’t like it, I am moved away from the relationship with them Any tips on how to survive in a group of friends or colleagues?
Sometimes there is no response or need to contradict someone for their values, opinions, or even applications. Sometimes the response “Hey, that’s good on you” or “That’s respectable” is good on it’s own. And when the bond between an individual or a group is good, you could even go in depth with their values, opinions or applications to see if yourself can see some value in it. Actions, and change, can come from this.
I’m always absolutely amazed at how many people dislike INTJ’s. I know that as an INTP, I always found to to be the least annoying, or offensive out of all the types. In my life time I found especially ESTJ’s and ESFJ’s annoying with their extreme propensity to pre-judge people, drama, and need to dictate how people should behave and think.
I feel like I’m in an even tougher predicament. Please hear me out. All of these tips you said in the article are things I have learned and honed and applied for years to great benefits until covid happened. However, it was during those 2 years of quarantining where I had the best time of my life more than anything prior to it. It was like a luxury made standard, to finally have all the time and space to reflect on all my experiences and to use those results as concrete data to base on for self-improvement even more than I could ever thought of. It was because of the time during the pandemic where I learned MBTI and found this amazing community, and when I had carefully discerned during those 2 years that I really am an INTJ. Even though I had learned a lot of social skills prior to all of this, it still did left me behind a lot of unresolved social trauma due to people around me simply refuse to acknowledge them because it’s complex. They’re incapable to address them. I had long never treated my friends and family like therapists, so I only had myself to really figure out how to solve my own problems, which worked pretty well in its time. Regardless, it was exhausting maintaining well-earned good relationships when you have to always be in the act, and these same people I have do not value solitude the same level INTJs need. It was also a huge part why the quarantine isolation made my life so great. I had finally gotten my big break! But then post-covid happened. It wasn’t like I was living in isolation during quarantine.
On offering the “constructive criticism”, you are correct Jon. I like to call it “sandwiching”. The two compliments are the bread slices and the criticism is placed in between. And thats how you deliver it. -That aside, I enjoyed this vid. It does have a lot for me to take note of and how to grow. Making friends and the like is not hard for me (it’s the keeping them part as I tend to distance myself often) But thnks much for this Jon
“Unless you were taught how to be social from a young age” I was both taught and expected to be social from a young age, and fit into general society. But my problem is now as a 30m INTJ, I am returning to my natural roots but it seems at almost the worst time. I had tons of friends growing up and it was actually easy to socialize, even flirt with girls, I felt like a fake outsider on the inside but I approached everything as a article game almost like light from death note. However now I realize my true passions, purpose, I hate wasting time, I LOVE being alone, and 99.9% of those friends I have gotten rid of since I was just being fake anyways. However now I’m in a weird place where I would rather be alone 99% of the time but I still need to find a wife, and it’s hard to sell yourself to someone romantically when you have no friends even if by choice. Unless I meet another heavy introvert. I usually will date E girls and they pull me out of my shell but it always burns down bc I only do things bc I love her and out of obligation. Not sure what to do
That first one is the hardest to overcome. I used to enter every interaction with other people as either completely pointless or take no prisoners and that’s just not how most people operate. As for your second point, I understand what you mean, but it just seems so difficult to do that. I’ve in the past tried to use an opening small talk conversation point to try to move the conversation to a more meaningful topic, even trying to ask follow up questions to try and determine what the other person might be interested in to get a better sense for what they like and value since I’m willing to listen and learn but it rarely ever pans out and the conversation either peters out or the communication does (might be my fault) Third point has been a hard lesson and still learning. Free flowing thoughts – Fully agree. I’ve accidentally done this especially with more complex projects. But only because the beginning steps were a good choice and the correct approach was taken.
When I am nice and helpful then I can’t be an INTJ, they are not like that. If I am myself then I am rude. If I act very friendly I am fake. If I ask someone what is going on, because something doesn’t add up, then I dig and want drama. If I ask a question why they did stuff they did I overanalyse. When I don’t ask questions, I am not as helpful, nor friendly, I am asocial.
Im an intj… And i understand what you’re talking about. I did stop measuring people’s intelligence obsessively and opened up (a little), It was very uncomfortable but im good now, i made friends, ofc here and then, i wsjt to be quiet for a lot of time to function normally again, but its so weird to me that people can just talk so much… Its ok, they must be like, “how can someone be that quiet?! ” At me too maybe, .. Just accepting people like they are… Its great….
ENFJ therapist chiming in here… great tips! I could see how with many inexperienced therapists or lay people may over generalize these traits as “narcissistic “. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this popular term. On the flip I could see how this may be viewed as the pop psych term of “love bombing”.
As an intj whom has had to teach myself social etiquette and manners having two narcissist parents, its been difficult. No one talked about these subjects growing up, and socially i found myself in no win situations no matter what. It may sound bland but i studied classic rules of etiquette, mannerisms and characteristics of people with class, education and social grace. But still, ive had to be an entrepreneur because i cant hold ANY job w.o. being attacked by a co worker or middle management. And become happy alone b.c. id rather be alone then in a bad and contrived relationship. Yes some intj’s are the problem in social situations, however extroverts seem to want to bend intoverts to their liking but never seem to meet intoverts halfway
Self esteem and random acts of kindness works better for me. Thereby, I don’t worry about what people think about each other, Forget how you sound to others. Apologies where appropriate works. Move on. Avoid trouble with others. Forget the therapist. Be yourself. You’re compensating too much. I have fewer close relationships. Running for office is for others. We’re smart 🤓. So what.
This article was great, I found it very interesting. I am a focused a lot more on Se being my brother is ESFP and my father is a ENTJ trying to get me out and about. I know I don’t offend people as much being I have learned from my family who are all trying to make me less of a antisocial nerd. Because of that I have made a chameleon like effect that is my show personality so I am able to be charming and INTJ.
It is also hard to offend the other Ni dom as well, we INFJs also can see your guys point of view and understand where you are coming from. Also, I have no problem approaching INTJs first. In fact, after observing them, once I realize they are dominant Ni I already know they have something in common with me and they don’t have to worry about approaching at all then. I love an INTJs use of Te, it really is refreshing for having Te blindspot and your guys Te is used in a somewhat similar way that we use our Fe.
Based in this, I seem to not act like a typical INTJ, and already do everything right, in fact I always get to hear how perfect and great I am (I’m so sick of it…). Yet I have no friends, or partner. “Liked by everyone and loved by none” is a well-fitting saying. I’ve had good classmates and colleagues, but never friends outside of these facilities. When it comes to potential partners, I can’t find out what I do wrong, I never get any feedback or criticism, and my dates always end up saying “it’s me and not you”.. Anyone recognize this, and/or know what I can do?
I don’t even know How I have such loyal and understanding friends when I disappear for months on end so often, my best friend is a very mature estj. We get along by making plans together to get through hurdles and just make things. I don’t really express my abstract Ni thoughts tho just how I would plan things and exploit and create systems
Hi, this comment doesn’t really have something to do with this article. So I’m an 14 year old INTJ. I sometimes have the tendency to remember my bad experiences more than the good ones, to avaid maiking past mistakes again. Just to be clear, this shows results. When I think about my past experiences, I of course am able to see also all the positiv thinks but how already said, I more drawn to the first one. So is this something bad or normal? Thanks for mainking this articles they are great!
Interesting article as always. Every INTJ should read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Absolutely agree that when you meet new people and you have the expectation that they think and see the world like you, there is little chance of it being a lasting friendship or relationship. INTJs have a unique skill of gathering data points, so use it. Construct and steer the conversation to find information about the person to construct a report with that person. The difficulty I find long term is maintaining interest with that approach. Once the puzzle is built, I’m bored. What are your thoughts on this?
Intjs ni te advice is so smooth and direct and correct for me (entp) I expected and feared once that intj would gave me a commander advice but said just the correct things I just told him that your super ego is cillian murphy like just remembered your analytical isfjs ne ti stable advice,,,,it has more plan with logic,,,,,,you are your own teacher none cant be Dont know it was my advice or appreciation just But intj clearly saw the oppenheimer and cillian murphy >> intj for sure Now an movie based on intjs mind I genuinely wanted that Also told that both gandhi and oppenheimer was against war but war hero infj and intj But i gave too much ne fe truth about intj though, some has si past positive based dont know about intjs si demon though Intj clearly had no anger in msg like infj even less than me i think (fe absent advantage may be)
I’m 1 minute in and I had to pause. I have been dating people who are emotionally distant, like I am. It’s what I’m attracted to. And then I stepped back and said “wait, how do two people date when they always want to be in different rooms? This isn’t supposed to work this way. Oh that’s right, I’m dating another version of myself. Duh.” lol.
I wouldn’t say that people doesn’t like us – they are more like intimidated. Unfortunately we don’t make them easy to approach us. Till we don’t act as assholes, people won’t dislike us. Our role is just don’t fucked it up, and that’s easy. I was suprised so many times, that people at first meeting was thought that I was intimidating. This impression has gone as soon as we started talking, and I wasn’t bubbly and cute. Just normal c:
Our Discord – discord.gg/xThWx8Q My tentative theory is that based on the comment sections of our articles, lot’s of the people here would benefit from the ability to chat to each other in real-time. I’ve met people who have had/still have a huge impact on me and who I have developed close and collaborative relationships with online first, that I’ve also gone on to meet in person. We live in interesting times where that is no longer a strange thing. Hopefully this discord will be somewhere where all of you can do the same – interesting chats, find new and useful connections etc. Also my assumption is that this community will grow organically and become self sustaining if it’s going to exist at all. So think of me as an intermittently present creator who often totally forgets about a planet he’s made then quickly rushes to make sure they haven’t turned on each other. Finally, an ENTP is running the server… god help us. ~ Nathan
INTJ here. When you said not to “re-frame everything they say as how it relates back to you”. Yyyyyyeah, this is exactly what happens when I try to human. So hard not to. It’s so hard to ask follow-up questions because I usually don’t care, because it’s usually vapid small talk. If you’re not going to share your deepest wound or darkest moment, move along.
I used to just believe that there was something wrong with me. I would watch as the people around me seamlessly formed interpersonal relationships with others. Now that I’m older I have gotten better at contending with social interactions, but I’ll always probably feel the most comfortable when I’m either by myself or with my girlfriend who also happens to be INTJ. Some people say that you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has the same personality type, but I think it’s incredible. We have all of the same interests and it’s astounding how similar we are in our cognitive behaviors. She also doesn’t act as if something is wrong with me or that I need to change in some way.
“Classify yourself upfront” works like a charm. In my groups of friends I am the card-carrying deadpan snarker and we all laugh together when I make a witty remark, making social interactions much easier for everyone. Still had to learn how to read the room so the act doesn’t become trite or downright offensive.
I don’t think INTJs are evil at all, they’re just certain type of individuals that don’t depend on ethical dogma which at times are found “inefficient” in their book. INTJs prefer solid approaches instead of arbitrary ones. Since this is their case to be misunderstood as “inhuman” or that they think that they’re such, who they are deserve credibility since they’re such exceptional organizers. So if you’re INTJ, keep moving at the same direction with precise velocity.
“I’m weird and eccentric. I have no taboos and I say how things are. If I ever hurt your feelings, please tell me so.” So far this has worked for me even though my parents (ISTJ and ESFJ) always complain how I should “be more careful” with people. I’m friggin 30yrs old, lemme try to socialize myself damnit.
The guy I love more than anyone else is an INTJ… he is calm and chill and I am outgoing and free. I am the only one who ever broke through his shell, into his mind and soul. If you have the ability to do that, you will discover such a rich, vast, sensual world they don’t share with anyone. In fact, most of them will die all alone in this and no one will ever know they exist. You need to be an INTJ whisperer in order for this to happen. They are the cat souls of the MBTI..
i can fake it, being nice, but it is exhausting. i see that you understand. i have not found a way to avoid the “walk away” after 3 to 5 minutes of small talk. in my family, gracious indulgence has been given to my abrupt departures. i have learned that after 2 hours of family functions, friends etc., i am done for 24….
You’re right. It can be draining when you do all the giving… Most important thing is—- Look for reciprocal friendships. If they don’t show you the same amount of interest in you, as you do them, you’re better off without them. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat for narcissistic people who wont give you equal time !
As a “matured” INTJ who learned the social interaction, it’s more of a fluid systematic approach through years of study in human psychology of non-verbal cues, verbal intonation, and smiling. I necessarily don’t feel what I express, but it’s something I make sure to do in order to not jeopardize my social circles (work, family, etc). Although I can now do small talks here and there, I still believe it’s ultimately a pointless thing unless it builds a relationship.
This was not only brilliant, but eerily right on time. I, at this very moment, just ended a phone convo with my INFJ friend about how I’ve come to realize that my boyfriend, an INTJ is, in fact, truly, an alien. I’m an ENTP, and still scratching my head as to how my bf even came to be, and I realized it was through methodical scrutiny and calculated emulation. Well done. 🤘🏼
I use these tricks all the time. They have become ”default initialization programs” for me, in order to be able to deal with social interactions while still avoiding being challenged all the time (as much as possible). I’ve had people in my life (after a few years) bring up our first conversation (that I had forgotten) and my own bluntness amazes me (If I’d met me, I’d totally find myself creepy). For instance, I had this colleague reminding me that the first thing I ever said to him was (after working shoulder to shoulder a whole day in complete silence without me ever officially and openly acknowledging his existence) “I’m very socially awkward”, looking him dead in the eye before resuming to my work without any further exchange. Hearing that and thinking back on what is acceptable in society’s standard, I don’t even understand how anyone would want to be friends with me ahahah.
I love that you talk about shutting down after a certain amount of socializing and that it happens very quickly. It’s easy for a person to think their broken when this happens. Now I know this is entirely normal for my personality type and instead of trying to be something I’m not, I can plan ahead to work around situations that I know will be draining. A few years ago, my brother and his wife went to Cancun for her 40th birthday, along with many of their friends and I went along as well. I was very apprehensive about it because it is almost pure socializing for around five days. That will send a chill down any INTJs spine (with many people you don’t know or are very light aquaintences). Anyway, right off the bat I let people know the socializing drains me so I would be appearing, disappearing, re-appearing during the week. So the first day I partied with them for a couple hours, drank a lot, and then went back to my room and crashed for probably six hours. Then I found them and did that some more for about 2 hours before retreating back to the room. I was never stuck in a social atmosphere with an empty battery and no one asked where I disappeared to. That translated what is a terrible environment for and INTJ into an enjoyable week.
This title is just perfect, I feel it. For all my life I’ve felt disconnected and different. Sometimes I even felt like an alien because most humans I’ve met are unlike me on so many levels. I literally found out that have the INTJ type yesterday. A quick reseach made me feel less alien, knowing I’m not the only one experiencing life this way, that’s nice. Great vid btw
I love how honest this article was. When I talk to psychologists and friends about this issue, they often say “Just go with the flow, you’re not weird! Don’t worry its okay to be awkward” without actually knowing what it truly feels like, when you just aren’t accustomed to social interaction. Finally, someone, who says it like it is. This advice will go into use.
I’m an ENFJ and my closest friend is an INTJ 🤣 We have the best conversations in the whole world. The chemistry is great too, but figuring out what’s going on in that head is such a task! They need too much space and ENFJs tend to get clingy. Best part about this friendship between ENFJ and INTJ? You can pull them away from the world into your world and show them how beautiful the world can be. They will be bummed to look at emotions an ENFJ-way 😉❤️
I had to be worked on by an entire family when I was a teen to learn how to “human.” My issue was a lack of empathy for others because I wasn’t empathetic with myself and unable to understand my own emotional expression. After learning what “human” and love is from them, I realized that I didn’t vibe with the common definitions of love and compassion at all. So, I developed my own in order to finally relate to people. For me, compassion is understanding where this person is coming from and how it affects their behavior (motive)… but doing it in a way that’s non-clinical. So if you have close friends, replicate that behavior (the mushy side of intj) and do it for others. No, it won’t be the same, but you’ll def come off warmer if you show 1/10th of care for others that you do for the ones you love. And because this benefits me first as well as them, I don’t feel too upset about expending so much energy on people or scenarios that aren’t “worth it” by my usual definitions. Outside of direct social contact, I’ve gotten into slice of life podcasts (like Outlook, Beautiful Anonymous) and other media where regular people talk about life events. Realizing that we’re all connected – like it or not – because we’re all human has really helped me to dispel some of my cold veneer. And frankly, it helps to be attractive and to smile when you’re playing a human. If you don’t want to work on your fe because it goes against your worldview, then tap into the manipulative side to get your way.
I totally related to the last bit with the bluntness and the direct, unemotional perception that people often formulate. It is best to explain to them who you are and give them an idea of your personality. However, I don’t think these people understand HOW DRAINING it is to have to explain myself time and time again. After a while, you want to just roll your eyes and “f” it…But then you realize that saying “f” it gets you nowhere either, so you just explain yourself little by little so that it’s not so draining to you…or at least that what I do. And you what else helps? Writing letters to them and telling them about you. It may seem a bit odd, but again, it’s not draining and it always you to truly pick and choose the correct words to express.
When I was younger, I often felt misunderstood and often accidentally offended others simply by stating things as I saw them…not realizing that most people don’t want to see or hear the truth. For example, if a friend was complaining about their boyfriend/girlfriend, I’d say, “He/she is making you miserable. You should break up with him/her. They sound like a terrible person anyhow”. Eventually I figured it out. Not everyone is okay being on their own so I learned to shut up and allowed them to vent, and even taught myself not to roll my eyes. Really made a difference.
I’m impressed with the ‘simple’ depth of this advice. 😉 I’m glad you bring up the ‘dropping off the cliff’ moment… it took me a long time to recognize that moment – what causes it, what it means. Another thing… I don’t believe anyone who tells me up front ‘how they are’ because usually they are wrong about themselves and it sets up false characterizations that can be hard to break later at worst and appears manipulative at best. I’d hesitate to engage in that kind of expectation setting. Rather, I’m curious how others perceive me and find it amusing when they vocalize it. So what if you offend someone sometimes by ‘blindsiding’ them with your personality? Validating others’ observations disarms them from becoming defensive, and we can develop a rapport with a better understanding from there, if that is important to do. Part of learning to human is to learn how to be imperfect and not take ourselves so seriously.
while growing up as an intj AND (somehow – despite my low level of social drive) being one of the more popular kids in my high school class, i used to take advantage of my being different. i would call friends ‘freaks’ as if was a GOOD thing. others then also started to use the phrase and, it created a sense of inclusiveness in us ALL being freaks and/or weirdos. GOOD SHIT. ABSOLUTELY. FOR SURE.
Yes book recommendations! Thank you for that. Might I add the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie? Tactic 1 ? Spot on. People often forget a simple truth: humans love talking about themselves, showing (genuine) interest in others is a sure way to appear likeable at the very least. I love the caveat you make, boundaries are essential (talking from experience as a good listener).
Fermi, how Fascinating, Love Who has te-rrific content. “There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you’ve made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you’ve made a discovery” ― Enrico Fermi Early in my life, I realized who I was. I would never be a Captain Kirk and I certainly did not care to become a Nurse Chapel. ‘I began to study human behavior from an alien perspective, thinking, humans are interesting, sad, foolish, but worthy of study. -Mr. Spock
There are genuinely good, honest, people in touch with reality people who INTJs will likely have productive relationships with, everyone else, particularily those with a pattern of causing problems, need to be kept at arms length until you have better skills in handling those you don’t have a natural connection with
Thaught myself a lot by courses and books. I have to say it bettered a lot my ability to start conversations; ask questions, be interested, etc. – it’s also nice to see another person having a good time talking about themselves. It also makes me happy I can achieve this, this is maybe a INTJ way to put it. I recently moved to my boyfriends country, people are quiet to themselves. Sooo I tend to do a lot of the (for me) work within the convo . If I have the energy, it works pretty well. However, what you mentioned – man oh maaaan is it tireeening. I’ll try your tip! 🙂 (although yes, might be weird to have a 45 min talk, and after that sit in a corner alone 😀 or make them the convo “leader” and then it becomes a all awful or awkwardly quiet convo – but what should I do, unfortunately can not be the leader always.) What also works nicely is to take a friend extrovert with you and let them take over that lead after a moment. Do this with my boyfriend and best friend all the time.
Simple system to use to “human” or socialize. I used it and it’s become a part of me, now I can not stop speaking, I have to reinforce myself over and over to not speak unless it’s necessary 3 simple steps, this system can be naturally improved. Input Approach – Body language – Verbal commute – Emotional engagement Conversation starter – Recent events – Simply mentioning simple things around you Output Usually the result of the conversation in order to make someone or a valued friend to want to be more around you. This result would leave both parties involved with a sense of emotional refreshment from communicating This worked well, a little too well.
I really use the trick of letting people talk about themselves. The issue is, the more they talk the less I am interested in them. There is only certain amount of information about oneself that is interesting. If conversation does not go further to other subjects like politics, history or whatever, I really do not feel like seeing that person any more. What amazes me at most is that they never ask back. Which is not a problem to me, I do not need to talk about myself, also not that interesting even to myself. But that lack of curiosity from the other side is compketely alien to me. Regarding your second point, yes I am starting applying it now, saying on front that I am not the most social human being and have issues with interconnection withbother people. It works, people are the more receptive and open. I am 46, I have lost a lot of time already.
…When I was a kid, I always wondered why everyone’s emotions & feelings were so intense…I couldn’t have the same reaction, everyone seemed to share their own neverending production of energy & passion towards life. I always felt like life is a book were I’m often the reader & everyone’s else is a character for which the story is absolutely real & matters a lot…Then when I wanted to have fun, I would just act as the writer & put them in different situations (physically or mentally) to see how they would react…I have always loved to read & write. So after learning what I needed to learn, I just started to fake a level of passion towards my “hobbies” or anything I talk about…& Nowadays that’s pretty easy for me. I can fake everything, the people around me wouldn’t think I’m actually INTJ…They would say I’m so emotional, so passionate about things…But I still have a limit & after reaching it I just need to hide away from society. I don’t like to talk with people, I rather hear & observe than talk, but I became good at participating by acting like some ESFJ… Partly because I learned that from my mom who is ESFJ…But my energy is a real issue…I end up needing a lot of time for myself & hating society…
no.i don’t believe in self help books.as an intj i really don’t care what people think of me or if i’m bad at communicating with them. actually instead of what you call ‘being human’ i have chosen a specialty and a job and even a city which doesn’t require a lot of interaction with people…i just don’t care if i’m weird and different and i solve this “problem” by staying as far from people as i can and i enjoy it😂😂
I learned to apply these in my life after reading the book ‘how to win friends and influence people’ and the experience has been Life changing. I let people talk about themselves while being genuinely interested in what they’re saying. Asking questions definitely works. It does become exhausting all of a sudden sometimes and so many people complain about how I never tell them anything about myself.
This is the article I needed, thank you. Social expectations/interactions have always been a huge stress factor for me unsurprisingly (notably answering messages, I’m the one that responds once then never again because it’s inconvenient, and after then the more guilty I feel the less likely I am to respond) looks like it’s a very INTJ thing but it can’t be justified that way.
Nathan, I’m an INFJ, but a) this is a great article b) this is the first time in my entire life I actually understood cognitively why the thing I reflexively do whenever things seem awkward (draw the other person into talking about themselves) works. I hate talking about myself to strangers, so I always worry that I’m being a manipulative creep when I steer the other person toward telling me about their novel. I also feel like sometimes it backfires, when the other person assumes that we’re going to be good friends. Maybe that isn’t a risk INTJs face, though!
I used to hate talking to people, probably cuz Im an introvert. But now I use people to tell me more about them so I can learn other things:careers, hobbies, businesses, or whatever they are good at or knowledgeable in so I can absorb the info for myself. I dont neccessarily care about getting to know them, but seeing as how I get info out of them and people love talking about themselves its a win win. I also fake emotions cuz people think you’re monotone(not that I care) but I figured it would make them feel others feel good, such as smiling, fake laughing. Eventually getting into these habits has made it feel more real to me and im sure feels more genuine to others (more than before at least ;))
I have always been an INTJ even as a child. Naturally this frustrated my mom. At the end she taught me to act as my favorite characters so I learned to be a “charming young lady”. still do and use it. In my mind its is way to much but apparently it works. Little thing on the side I notice, that most people don’t appreciate honesty. They all say it but only if it prevents betrayal. Most people I met prefer sweet lies over blunt honesty. My go to for those people became, if you have something nice to say, say it. if it isn’t nice, shut it. cant control my face tho
I use Cunningham’s law to make people talk. Here is the definition from google, but obviously it applies to not internet conversations as well. Cunningham’s Law: “The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it’s to post the wrong answer.” This refers to the observation that people are quicker to correct a wrong answer than to answer a question.
I’m a strange INTJ because I can be very warm and personable and charming but it only goes so far. Eventually people subconsciously realize that something is missing, and then drop the connection with me because it’s weirding them out and they don’t know why. These are the moments I dread the most, when a huge gulf suddenly opens up between me and the other person and I feel like I was just shoved out of an airlock. My entire social anxiety/avoidant personality issue is based around these moments. Because from my point of view, everything was fine then suddenly people were looking at me like I’m an alien and I am all alone. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off just being an asshole to people all the time. Avoid the heartbreak. 🙁
What has worked for me: 1. Sort yourself out. Face your mortality. Come into alignment with Truth. Your life will not unfold naturally if you skip this and reading books suggested here will merely add more garbage to your already confused mind and heart. True empathy comes not from techniques, but from knowing that you are not fundamentally separate even from the most alien types who piss you off. 2. Be honest. Be kind, but don’t lie. Don’t scheme, don’t manipulate people. Don’t play the interpersonal power dynamics game – you suck at it compared with strong Fe users anyway! This will make your life simpler, your mind clearer and will filter out people and situations that you wouldn’t care for anyway. I also highly recommend sticking with other basic moral precepts. This and the previous point will lift 95% of the trouble you may have with “how to human”. The following are just some small tips that come to mind: 3. Befriend a strong Fi user. Interact, observe. ISFP, INFP, ENFP, ESFP – all have done wonders for me becoming more human than a robot. 4. Befriend a strong Ni+Fe user (an INFJ in my case) to get to know the vastly different world of extroverted feeling. Your shared Ni will keep you interested and connected to an otherwise a very different creature and their kind. Very challenging, very rewarding. Being very present with someone, not putting walls between you and other – this can be cultivated. 5. Think and read. You like to think about how stuff works, how paradigm shifts affect your perception of life, etc.
This is great stuff! I have 2 friends, well one friend is istp and one is intj. My istp friend he can be really off the wall and at times irreverent at times but we tend to over look it based off of 1) how he’ll always have your back, always 2) his past 3) he does all of what he does without thinking it’s just him. The intj friend? We haven’t known him quite as long, he really does try to human but he’s literally a machine. When he does try to be friendly he has these archaic quips and or stories, and it’s painful to observe. He has offended MANY people because he is just so focused on efficiency. Im an infp so I’m probably the anti intj but I do feel sorry for the guy, he is nice and you can tell he’s trying. Side note he is married and I really wonder how that works 🤔
“… and we can debate the ethics of lying at a later date.” 😂 Hey, Yogi Bhajan was famous for advising “fake it til you make it.” Still, trying to change for someone else/others never seems to stick. Is there a conundrum in changing because you want to be more personable, and get more connection with others? Hm. My best real life examples with my more introverted friends is that I enjoy making them laugh, and listening and laughing is a good way to relax and open up. Once I know what’s funny to them – it feels like a very low-risk, high-reward interaction. A few of them, their massage is half-massage, half-comedy routine. Everyone wins. Edited to add: of course, they COULD just be laughing because they want more connection with me, and now I’m going to obssess about that all day, so thanks 😉
2nd article I’ve watched I’m already enjoying your website. I’m an INTJ myself, and when you mentioned “Books you recommend” I was expecting the same exact books you listed, especially ‘Mastery’, this book connected to me down to my core, when I saw this my intuition went crazy aside from the fact that it’s black and gold, it was all that I expected it to be. It felt like the book was made for me.
You know… I really wish this article was uploaded and shown to me 10 or so years ago. What you’ve said here is very true, I had to learn these things over a significant time period, books + trial and error. Also, right on about the “cliff” effect – also came to the same realization, time limit is best set in advance. Also: in your book list – I think the addition of “How to Win friends and Influence people” would be a worthwhile addition. It nicely explains not just the usefulness of effective human interactions, but also some key aspects of the human psyche, motivations, boundaries (things you should tread carefuly around, or taboos like questioning someone’s intelligence), key elements of enjoyable conversation, effects of vanity on a social interaction. And some effective methods of how to human. 😉
I am an INTJ who was raised in a large family. Since social interaction was home-life I think my mom picked up on my awkwardness early on. Raising me she was very clear and direct about how to understand and talk to people. It was like being raised with a self-help book. A lot of times I would come home hurt over something and she would help me either realize it wasn’t me, how to fix it, or how to let it go. Her biggest thing was diplomacy, something she’s an expert at. Sure it’s taken me decades to understand how to apply a lot of it properly, and I’m still learning every day, but I can say I was pretty blessed for it. And I actually enjoy (unrepetitive) small talk now, to a point. 😉
I’m so lucky as an intj my mother is a psychanalyst and ive been able to observe how much people love to talk about themselves. The “make them talk about themselves” method is a go to whenever I felt overwhelmed or ackward or embarrassed. However, I need to watch myself not asking too much question like a robot.
Excellent advice in this article! 👌 I very much second your advice about listening and getting people to talk about themselves. This is my strategy, and it is a genuine one as I do enjoy listening and asking questions rather than talking. (I prefer to give my mastermind monologues online. 😈) This is something that would overwhelmingly help INTJs – especially INTJ males. As for your second bit of advice – I think I am working on that one. 🤔 It is much more difficult. I agree with you that people love aliens – but I don’t think people realize just HOW alien an INTJ can be. Everyone loves to watch Sherlock Holmes or House or Spock on the screen, but when you actually have to interact with a Holmes, House, or Spock in real life, it is a whole other thing entirely. But I get about the expectations/context thing. I have observed this, and something I have thought a lot about. I shall continue to do so. 😉 Btw, I joined the Discord server! I will be lurking in the shadows mostly, haha. Discord confuses the heck out of me. The whole platform and bots and language, it is just so weird and hard to follow, but I am there! It looks like it is a thriving community.
It’s not worth it to work on it, but it is worth treating it like a problem to solve. Once you start treating people as behavioural data patterns/generators, it becomes a lot easier to elicit more productive responses from them. Most people are drastically more predictable and input driven than they would be comfortable accepting. It requires a lot of “flexibility” with ones persona and a great perception for hot buttons, but this is something I picked up playing poker. If conversation is the objective, the key is to have a medium depth of knowledge on a large variety of topics. It depends what you want from the person to be honest, listening to uninteresting people for the sake of social conformity is a waste of time, whether they are offended or not is inconsequential if they have no value to you. I think this is the basis for your “context is important” point, however part of that context is the level of power you give the reaction. If you are entirely unapologetic with the bluntness, it seems to carry. The second you display any hint of “I shouldn’t have said that”, the smell of blood is in the air. The obvious caveat to that is to have good logical reasoning behind anything you can say, rather than some ill thought out vitriol.
what really helped me to fake Fe was by trying to “convert” it to some extent into my Te function. When talking to people I’m trying to figure out what kind of person I’m talking to on a quite detailed level. I’m making a game out of this by forming hypotheses about them in my head and trying to validate my thoughts by asking questions and interpreting subtle changes in their facial expression and gestures. That way I don’t have to fake that I care about their opinion because I do – just not in the sense that they might think I do. But as you said – does sincerity even matter in that regard? A further advantage of this is that I can figure out way quicker if the other person is worth my time and I eliminate my own personal bias to some extent.
I have to admit, I’ve started to just accept the ‘INTJ’ trait more recently, or that I do have the tendency to have the ‘evil mastermind’ traits. I even describe myself to people in this way as well, I tell them, that I struggle with ‘social norms’; for this reason, I can come across as blunt and cold, but it’s not intended this way, it’s more like ‘oblivious logic’ and for the most part, people will be understanding of this. I think that’s how it is with some INTJs, if not most of them, it’s not that they are cold people, it’s just they don’t tend to understand those social norms. I’ve found, that at least with my own introversion, I actually have the ‘active listening’ trait, but it’s almost unintentional. I just like to hear what others have to say, things like; what have they learnt? How did they learn it? I think in some ways, like what you said about the ‘books and finding the essence from them’, for INTJs (including myself), take the time to really listen, but be curious, like almost a ‘child-like curiosity’ and fascination at how someone else sees the world. I’ve found that doing this along with just analysing how they see things, is something people surprisingly appreciate, especially if they are just allowed to speak their mind and we just shut up and listen until they stop or pause. The only other thing I’d say for this, is (in one of your other articles), you mention ‘doubling-down on strengths’ vs. ‘all-roundedness’. Both have pros and cons, for me, I ended up using a bit of both, when dealing with other people, I will take the ‘all-rounder’ approach, intentionally analysing and forming strategies based on how people feel, think, etc.
Personally I have tried to develop Fe hard which I now consider to be a regretful mistake. ( During the process, I read a book which was by E. Fromm, and it got my Fi so bad that I began to practice it since I was then thinking about being righteous.). Perhaps I have taken it too far and I felt I just couldn’t maintain Fe without compromising on my fortes or my usual cognition being intercepted . Even though I indeed managed to and won people in a way I had always fantasized about, I felt empty and unfulfilled. This is basically pyrrhic. What really is at my strength is the bombardment from the external world imposed and my will to stand up to it and live up. Next time when it comes to this issue it’d be better for me just to subside and have any people besides me to deal with it. (As to finding the persons who could be beside…I beg there’re some among the population who truly needs what an intj brings to them. And when you cry out for what you want without inserting an appropriation, it’s highly likely that it echoes in other human beings. )
I’m an INTJ and literally have zero friends as I am so happy on my own lol. People always called me Morticia/Wednesday Adams and I’ve been pretty “goth” since age 9 to 38. Always wear black, listen to depressing music, watch Giallo horror movies all the time and have gone to uni about 8 times for degrees. That being said I am Hikkikomori and rarely leave my house. Instead, I create morbid artwork as an artist. I wear mens clothes/unisex, am Asexual and fluctuate between frilly goth femme fatale and androgenous tomboy with a shaved head/menswear every few years. Fortunately have been happily engaged for almost 5 years to someone who tolerates my need for vast amounts of alone time/Aspergers quirks/resting bitch face/chronic sarcasm/OCD, prepping hobbies and spontaneous Hulk-like rage. Poor guy.
I literally studied psychology, personality type, body language etc. then built and constantly tweak algorithms to try to best guess what is happening. Then I ask questions of the people and assume they have knowledge I do have and I have to dig for buried treasure. It’s not always the best case and my algorithms aren’t perfect. My biggest challenge is ending the conversation
Hahahahaha, this was wonderful. I have three close INTJ friends. I am married to an INFP. Half of my family growing up were introverts. My entire bridal party was composed of people who could run a small country… if they would only talk to each other. I love INTJs, this was hilarious and interesting. ENTJ, your extroverted cousin. Same parts, different order. 😜😄
As an INTJ being 95% intuitive and 100% thinking over feeling. I have the appearance of a dark cold individual. The most effective way to demonstrate that i care is through compassion, not affection. By making people lives easier for them. It is how I show i care whilst thinking things through. I plan out ways to help others because I have no real way to express feelings. Sincerely Intj. 😌😌😌
Common behavior in the variety of human societies is something to learn and afterwards use as a method to make them look into your ideas and plans better by manipulating their feelings into making of a certain step. So you’ll be able to save a lot of repetitive and over widened discussions or explanations. Also to be accepted as a member of a group and have a chance of a different view for observation.
According to the MBTI Personality Test, I am an INTJ (I tested myself about 10 times in different periods to verify the truthfulness of the result) and I think I can say that I apply Task 1 in daily conservation: I always listen to the other, carefully never making the conversation about myself (I do it with some people but it is very rare and particularly draining if extended for a long period of time) and I keep focus on the other using tactics like active listening. I think that my friends and colleagues appreciate my especially for this. I can easily step back and focus on the other, with actual interest in what their saying because I keep asking question about the subject they are talking about to go deeper into the subject to understand all the parts of it. Otherwise, If I don’t like the subject I try (almost always successfully) to direct the conversation towards another subject that they have previously quoted or ask them something about them I am interested in too. This method is always very effective for me and people seem to appreciate it, so try it out my fellow Intjs (Sorry for my English it is not my first language)
I’m dating an INTJ who is very affectionate and values verbal affirmation. He would rather I break down the reasons why I like him using logic. It’s cute. I will counter one of your points about introversion, Nathan, from what I have learned. I believe INTJs will be exhausted listening to people of the xSxx variety. From what my INTJ has shared, talking about real-life aspects is far more boring than exploring concepts. So I wouldn’t say they are not necessarily exhausted listening to people prattle on, but are exhausted listening to boring crap. (Thank God I’m an ENFP 🤣)