Research has shown that children of narcissistic parents may experience long-term mental health effects, including decreased cognitive performance, relationship issues, behavior problems, eating disorders, physical issues, substance use, and a negative outlook on life. Narcissistic parents may compulsively undercut their children, both intentionally and collaterally, through adultifying, infantilizing, and gaslighting.
Emotional neglect from parents can lead to anxiety disorders, depression, hyperactivity disorders, developmental delay, low self-esteem, and substance use in young adults. Parents who have their own mental health challenges, such as coping with symptoms of depression or anxiety, may have more difficulty providing care for their children. As part of Children’s Mental Health Week, it is important to understand how parenting styles and a parent’s mental health impacts their children.
Emotional neglect not only affects children when they are growing up but can follow them when they are young adults. Without needed support, children may never feel they’re good enough and can develop depression when raised by authoritarian parents. Provision of support by parents helps minimize the risk of internalizing behaviors associated with anxiety and depression, which can impair their mental health.
From as young as six months, children exposed to conflict may have increased heart rates and stress hormone responses. Parents have an undeniable influence on their children’s values, choices, behaviors, and overall health. Studies show that parents’ fights affect their children’s mental health, including increasing the risk of depression and anxiety, lowering self-esteem, and impairing their emotional and psychological well-being.
In conclusion, children of narcissistic parents may experience long-term mental health effects due to their parents’ fights, relationship issues, and emotional neglect. It is crucial for parents to provide support and resources to help their children navigate these challenges and maintain their mental health.
📹 How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Children
The Effect of Narcissistic Parents on Their Children Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect …
How do parents actions affect their children?
Parental influence on children can significantly impact their cognitive development. Exposure to caring attitudes towards animals or plants can foster warmth, empathy, and responsibility. Conversely, violence and poor anger management skills can lead to these behaviors. Cognitive development can be enhanced by providing a stimulating environment with toys, games, and books that challenge cognitive abilities.
Early reading and educational activities can improve language skills and imagination. Parental involvement in academic progress can instill a sense of duty and encourage interest. Exposure to new experiences like family trips or extracurricular activities can also promote learning.
How do unhappy parents affect child development?
Unhappy marriages can have negative consequences for children, as they can create negative emotional environments that can lead to emotional distress, anxiety, and long-term emotional scars. This can be compounded when the final blow comes just as children leave the family home to go to university, adding more stress to the already unsettling time. Waiting in an unhappy marriage until children leave the nest can also add stress, as children may not be better equipped to handle the upset of a divorce or separation once they leave the family home.
Can parents negatively impact a child’s life?
Bad parenting can significantly impact a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, leading to issues such as low self-confidence, anxiety, depression, and trust issues. According to the National Library of Medicine, bad parenting skills contribute to anxiety and depression. Adolescents raised with critical or harsh parenting are at increased risk for negative outcomes, such as externalizing behaviors, withdrawn behavior, trait anxiety, depression symptoms, depersonalization, interpersonal rejection sensitivity, anger, and poor health.
Hostile parenting involves frequent harsh treatment and discipline, which can be physical or psychological. This can lead to damage to self-esteem, interpersonal rejection sensitivity, anger, and poor health.
What is the effect of a parent who treats a child badly?
Poor parenting can have long-lasting effects on a child, leading to negative self-perception, low self-esteem, control issues, rebellion against authority figures, increased likelihood of breaking the law, antisocial behaviors, aggression, low resilience, and difficulty forming meaningful relationships. Children raised with negative parenting styles may also display cruelty, disagreeability, threatening behavior, defiance, and property destruction. These effects can persist into adulthood, affecting a child’s overall well-being and development.
How can toxic parents affect a child?
Toxic parenting not only leads to negative self-talk and a distorted self-image but also disrupts a child’s ability to regulate emotions and cope with stress. Chronic stress and emotional turmoil can significantly impact a child’s brain development, making it highly susceptible to stress effects. Prolonged exposure to toxic parenting can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation and stress management, contributing to depression.
Additionally, toxic parenting can affect a child’s sense of safety and security, as they constantly feel on edge, leading to chronic anxiety and a heightened stress response, both of which are linked to depression.
How much do parents affect children?
Parents play a crucial role in their children’s development and personality, as they spend more time with them than any other adult. They model their values, likes, and dislikes to their children, who pick up their good and bad habits. Role modeling can be an effective parenting tool, as it allows parents to be a positive role model for their children. However, it requires thinking ahead and self-control. Parents should also prioritize self-discipline, as children will follow suit when they become destructive in their own lives.
For example, parents should avoid hitting when angry, drinking and driving, or skipping class. However, it takes more effort and self-discipline for parents to practice their teachings by having appropriate ways of dealing with their own anger, not getting in the car after drinking, or taking off work claiming they are sick when they really just need a day off. Children look to their parents as setting the example, and they see right through their actions.
How can parental issues affect a child?
Parental conflict can significantly harm children’s outcomes, even when parents maintain positive relationships. Frequent, intense, and poorly resolved conflicts can lead to mental health issues, behavioral, social, and academic problems. These issues can also significantly impact a child’s long-term outcomes. The evidence shows that damaging inter-parental conflict can result in problems with school and learning, negative peer relationships, physical health problems, smoking and substance misuse, and mental health and wellbeing challenges.
How does parents’ relationship affect a child?
Good parenting involves meeting children’s needs according to cultural standards, starting in the first year of life and progressing gradually. Positive parenting is essential for a child’s maturity and cognitive development, as well as emotional regulation. Negative parenting can lead to depression and social and cultural issues. Parenting styles, such as authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved, have a psychological effect on a child’s behavior.
The content published in Cureus is the result of clinical experience and research by independent individuals or organizations. Cureus is not responsible for the scientific accuracy or reliability of data or conclusions published herein. All content is intended for educational, research, and reference purposes and should not be considered a substitute for the advice of a qualified health care professional. The authors have declared no competing interests.
How does harsh parenting affect a child?
The use of harsh parenting techniques, such as shouting or hitting children, has been linked to increased symptoms of hyperactivity, inattention, and emotional problems in children aged five and seven. This is consistent with previous research indicating that harsh parenting practices have a negative impact on children’s mental health. Parents of children with higher conduct problems and emotional issues are more likely to increase their harsh parenting in the following year. This suggests that harsh parenting may have a negative self-perpetuating loop, increasing children’s mental health problems and subsequently leading to further harsh parenting practices.
How do angry parents affect children?
Parental anger can lead to emotional or verbal abuse, causing a child to feel worthless and react with negative behavior, rudeness, aggression, illness, withdrawal, or difficulty sleeping. If anger escalates into physical violence, it can cause severe injury, disability, or death. Punishing a child physically can also negatively impact them later in life, potentially resulting in a variety of negative outcomes.
How does bad parenting affect a child?
Bad parenting can have significant negative effects on a child’s emotional, social, and cognitive development. It can lead to emotional and behavioral issues, difficulty in forming healthy relationships, and difficulties in school and future success. Good parenting, on the other hand, involves nurturing, support, and guidance to help children develop into confident and independent individuals.
Children with bad parenting often lack confidence, self-worth, and low self-esteem, which can hinder their ability to form healthy relationships, excel in school or work, and handle stress effectively. This can lead to a range of problems in their lives, highlighting the importance of a balanced and supportive parenting approach in a child’s life.
📹 How narcissistic parents “misuse” their children
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
My mother is a textbook narcissist. I haven’t spoken to her in two years, and just when I think I’m finally free, she uses my children as a way to reach in and stir the pot, as if to say, “I’m still here…”. Can’t wait to see this article! Your others have been dead-on accurate and very helpful. Thank you.
I feel sorry for ANYONE who has narcississtic parents. It affected my life in a different way, especially being an only child. I guess having to CONSTANTLY be on guard (from an very young age) and needing to fight for myself 24/7, had the opposite effect in my life. It changed my character towards rage, revenge, and sometimes violence. It took a long time to finally break free of that dangerous road… Narcissism is a very sinister mental disease that destroys more than just relationships…and I’m very glad that it’s been brought into the open and that people have a way to heal from it. Thanks for posting the vid.
I actually watched a lot of TV and movies when I was little, which usually is bad for kids but saved me in a lot of ways because I was able to understand a little that there seemed to be good relationships out there, parents that were concerned about their kids and marriages that seemed close and loving. I thought I must be doing something wrong then, and spent a long time trying to fix myself and then trying to fix my family. I’ve also felt rage towards my parents. It’s normal to feel that way when your parents shame and neglect you. Let yourself have your feelings but don’t act on them in the moment, not because you haven’t earned them but because they will just keep you tethered to your family. Rely on your wise mind for this part and set some strong boundaries when you feel calm and collected and have thought things through. You don’t need to save them or punish them to move forward, and you don’t need to punish yourself. Try to look at it like life threw you an impossible curve ball, and somehow you mustered up the strength to get through it, and it was terrible at times and also has taught you some hard earned lessons about personal resilience, what love means to you and what you are willing to tolerate.
The thing I don’t understand is, that time i didn’t drop the cup of coffee. My mom came home with it, I was upstairs. She dropped it herself and blamed it on me. She said ” look what you did, it’s all because you didn’t help me” ( she didn’t ask that time). Another time I was 6, our dog was barking at another, I tried to pet him and he got me pretty bad. My mom was so aggressive, blamed me for petting him and it was my fault. I was just crying. I just can’t forget these memories.. and scars on my body.
This explains alot of my inner pain. The hurt i feel and not able to express. I am very empath. I have alot of self hatred lonliness frustration and depression anxiety and psychiatry problems. I did self reflections and seen that when i dig deep, I uncover that they trigger my self destruction and depression worsens and it attracts FAMILIAR PEOPLE . My comfort is not comfy unless i do it myself. I always have to BE COMBATIVE i hate it
I will never forget when I was speaking with you and you pointed out all of the things I do to please my mother even though they weren’t in my best interest. Talk about life changing! I’m now starting to understand that how I was treated was abusive and not ok. If you haven’t already, I really recommend reading Jeanette McCurdy’s book called I’m Glad My Mom Died. Her mom was absolutely a narcissist and the story is very well told.
my father passed in 2014 and my mother in 2024 and it feel so good to be free of these toxic people from my life i have had a life time of cheer projection being the emotional dustbin for somone else crap if people dont own there stuff they projected it and blame someone else it come down to a lack of self awaraness we got a world of broken pain body people out there who dont own there feelings so all you get is project project project becuase of the kind of crap i have been subjected to thoughout my whole life i like my own company like most people i dont crave people in my life
I have a narcissistic mother and she’s all I have unfortunately. She takes no interest in my life, and I have many chronic health conditions that she has no idea what it’s like to suffer with, yet she continues to gaslight and frustrate me through the pain im already in. In some of these arguments, I could have her debt to rights, and still she’ll never apologize. Rather, she’ll shift the argument towards something in the past that I did a long time ago and harp on that just so she could create something to be right about within the moment. It’s a terrible cycle of toxicity and all i want to do is talk like normal human beings. Everything is a fight with my mother, and i swear she starts it everytime. If I had the means, I’d get away from my mother. For now, I just have to do my best do avoid her. She says she loves me, but when I need her the most, I’m always on my own. She only seems to actually care about me when things are fine, at least on the outside, but when things start to boil over from the inside, her shoulder is never available to me. It’s a very strange way to love someone.
The thing that really helped me as a kid was journaling. I would write down what they said or did to me and when my parents denied it I had it documented. When I was no longer under their roof, my anorexia went away. Later in life I learned to meditate. That is a game changer. I haven’t had contact with them for over 20 years. Recently I had contact with my family and that behavior is still there, the gaslighting. I however know it is not about me. And now it is a lot easier to see it for what it is.
Dr. Fox, you’re description is spot on. I’ve grown up with your described model, and all my adult subsequent choices were made with an internal dysfunctional family in tow. This legacy obliterates a felt sense of an authentic self. I was, and still am, a disposable appendage. It’s taken a lot of work to discover that I actually exist.
All my life I went through this abuse. I did not develop into a normal adult. I felt like I retrogress. I don’t have energy, hair is thin, and feel sick most of the time. That is the physical ailment that narcissistic abuse causes, but the emotional and mental toll it has on you is living through a nightmare that makes you waste time and energy, making you less successful in life to get out of the nightmare. Because when you are an adult, you are expected to be an adult with a job and responsibilities. My job prospects were ruined despite the education and skills I possess because I am fighting demons rather focusing on my future. The trauma also made me a lonely person. I don’t have friends nor a relationship, never had a girlfriend and do not seek a wife as I fear a repeat of a narcissistic mother.
My whole personality is my childhood trauma, I can’t talk in public easily and stutter a lot, I have trust issues but whenever a man shows me any kind of attention I crave it and let my guard down, I attract people like my father, Low self esteem, when someone shout at me I immediately cry feeling defensive less, I always catch myself living in my imagination and living with not real characters…. I feel judged in school and unwanted, and this goes on and on
My mom was like that… still is… she also has some amazing sides, cooks amazing, clearly wants the best for me… But she’s so harsh with everybody, uncluding herself obviously. She holds every female to a high standard of prudery and being able to cook and keep a clean home for example. She has been vicious and toxic to my aunts all my life because they didn’t put as much energy in cooking as she has. She feels soooo righteous about it, it’s such a caricature it sometimes feels surreal. So many other things but this one jumped to mind. She is also unbearably toxic to my grandmother. Keeps telling her what to do and not do. It’s so bad my grandpa almost threw my mom out several times, and my dad and I couldn’t watch it and felt like we’d have to go back home. Just painful. She screams at her sometimes and is CONSTANTLY micro managing her it’s insane. But she loves her. Just in an incredibly toxic way. Sometimes I forget why 10 years ago I left my parents home. It was unbearable. My dad was fine, such a wimp tho in retrospect. He’s been thru a lot and still holds it together somehow. Oh yeah he goes to church, he says it helps. Good for him. He has an abusive wife and a child with no education no job that spends 50% of his living hours in a couch in silent self loathing. My mom needed treatment. I’m not having kids till my mental health is absolutely spotless that’s for sure.
I hated my dad all my life, and he knew it. Physical abuse aside, if he found me perusal tv, now and again he would hold me down on the floor while I screamed, and would roll me tightly into a blanket, my head a foot below the end, arms by my side, and he would watch tv with his head on my back while I screamed until I passed out/dissacociated. As well, he would randomly walk into the bathroom while I bathed and toss a bucket of ice water on me and laugh at me. Now I’m like a magnet for psychological abuse at 48, and no one ever is tender with me
This is very timely. I just did a huge presentation at work with an influential group and am experiencing a complete emotional spiral right now because I feel I was imperfect and embarrassed myself despite getting some positive feedback afterward. My mother is deceased and I’m estranged from my father and yet their toxic impact is still something I have to contend with as I try to build a healthier life than what I had when they were in it
In my experience, covert narcissist mother. They are the worst. Because they’re covert, they do so much damage before you realise.all the downgrading, manipulation, triangulation, enmeshment. Only realise after hitting rock bottom and recovery is not easy, its been 2 years since i realized and im still struggling.
Yup! I got traumas and I still live with parent. I’m in the process to gain my independence. They hate it because they lose control. I found out I didnt have control of my ssi and I’m going have to go through the process to take over it . I been financially abuse . I didnt know I was getting ssi in high school at all. Sigh at the same time I’m fighting against my code dependency because they forcefully didnt want me to have any independent. So I bought books on mental health and lifeskills. It’s a battlefield I’m 24 years old.
This described my whole childhood, my step mom was my abuser. I for a long time actually believed I deserved that treatment because I was a bad unlovable defective child. I learned early on I have to be my own advocate because no one else will. I got into abusive relationships as a young adult because that’s what I was used to. Then I relapsed into self harm when I was out of them because if I didn’t punish myself for my mistakes who will? When I learned what verbal and emotional abuse was it blew my mind. I related so much to being a victim of that type of abuse. My step mom didn’t lay a finger on me, instead she broke me down so much mentally I could never be entirely whole again. I had to learn how to be a healthy kind human as an adult when I should have been learning that as a child. Instead I spent my childhood in survival mode. I still have nightmares about how she made me feel. I’ve had to do so much work mentally to heal from that damage but it’s been worth it. I have been doing a lot of what the advice was in this article on my own so that’s comforting, I figured it out without realizing it. I didn’t know there were specific parental abuse patterns with narcissistic parents. My jaw hit the floor in this article because it described my childhood to a T. The only way to get away and heal is to go no contact. Unfortunately that’s what she wanted, she wanted my dad to herself and she got it. But I am also getting what I want, peace, healing, actual unconditional love. The people in my life treat me with love and kindness.
I had an “aha” moment at 6am this morning while reading about this topic. I get “annoyed or i do the eye rolls,” when I see or hear someone speak of narcissistic parents. Since I lived it I get annoyed the use of the word narcissistic gets used easily. I lived that war..I’m in so much pain as an adult because of it so therefore I’m the expert. Lol this is part of what happens to us w this kind of trauma. So if you find yourself annoyed w Dr’s or people on social media using the word just know its normal. ❤ it sucks to know your parent could care less if you are alive. Everyone thinks because I am a mom I don’t need one. My heart was broken yest and I wanted a mom to call and tell me it’s OK. She’s 1 minute away and hasn’t spoken to me in almost 2 years this April. As soon as I figured out she was a narcissist and she tried being awful I put up my boundary. She hated it and disowned me. I told her over text “mom…I did nothing wrong. Please apologize (which she never has 1 time my whole life) and we can be good. I didn’t do anything wrong please see it.” She responds back “won’t happen” . 1 minute away and will be 2 yrs this April. I completely understand my childhood my overeating. I killed myself building a 5 star business to win her love. I’ve never had a speeding ticket. I did everything I could. They don’t care. They are like robots. So sad. ❤ to anyone searching these websites because you are waking up. You are not alone I promise. It is awful do not try to downplay it. It’s awful.
doctor fox i’m in therapie for 15 years not internal i managed to stay “functional” whatever peolle call functional. fun’y thi’g is my mom highlights these obvious “weird” adaptation of my behaviour without seeing she just basically said where it went wrong lol. i’m learning so much of you. Belgium is very behind on this last BIG peace on self healing and therapy. enmeshent, tje thi’gs to to with BPD but ohno god forbids practical solutions! it feels like you give free therapy THANK YOU SO MUCH DR FOX. amso for taking away some stigma…… very hard
My mother in law is a narcissists… Covert one… And my husband is having all the traits .. fantasies of sex of beautiful women’s, grandiosity, lack of empapthy, ego, can’t handle criticism about his looks .. as he feels he is the most handsome man in the world, he is manipulative and plays victim card .. he is good actor .. and i feel he should get Oscar for that .. Best doctor..
Thanks again, great article. The strategies for positive change that you share are fantastic. I’ve been using this one for several weeks and love how it feels to reward myself with a well done occasionally. Telling myself not to worry rather than running myself down. The benefits cascade into other areas helping me to be more balanced
Your content is very helpful. My father, when I was young, I believe was a narcissist, but I also believe that he had some kind of stressful disorder because he would often stress about unnecessary little things that didn’t matter. and now I find myself stressing about similar things and overstressing about many small things that don’t really matter, causing myself despair and depression.
My mother, at 87, if she does the slightest thing “wrong,” like tracking mud in the house after walking in, berates & calls herself names out loud. She’s shame-based & it’s so sad. Imagine almost 9 decades living like that. We had to be perfect. It made me anorexic, & I took over their verbal abuse as self-talk. Took decades to stop calling myself stupid. Did 17 blissful years NC which reset my entire life. Now I just feel sorry for her. Stay strong, everyone. There is so much hope & healing once you start to see the light.
Once again, thank you Dr. Fox for putting this incredibly valuable and helpful information out into the world. I hope there will come a point where at least some people in the general public will be able to see through a narcissistic parent’s facade and help the child. One can hope! Thank you for doing what you do.
I had cried 3 times throughout this article. This was terribly accurate and made me realise a lot of things that I thought weren’t connecting to my narcissistic father. Sadly, everything is connected to the parents. All points you mentioned, were accurate to my growing up. Shaming when I dropped a glass, or spilled something, he always made me cry afterwards and I was in a state of panic. It is kinda in my blurry memory, because I was a small kid, but luckily it stayed there, so i could go back to it. I remember having big troubles being my authentic self since I can remember, definitely had it already when i was 10, always escaping from my true self and this making me a terrible people pleaser 7 years later. I always surpress myself, when I communicate with people with different opinions, because I fear of putting the real me out there. I also had big problems with overeating, and then with undereating, causing me to lose/ gain 10 kilos at least three times in my life (and im only 17 now :D) He would always comment on my chubbines as a kid, commenting other people body’s and warn me not to eat to much potatoes, so i wouldn’t gain weight. And when I had trouble with a massive weight loss, I was the wrong and defective one, that didn’t eat, I was the shamed and misunderstood one, tho he was the one to cause it in the first place. And deep down, i believe that people i platonicaly love, would never stumble upon me in real life, they would find me disgusting.. And now I find, that all these hideous voices in my head actually belong to my loving father and the way he raised me.
Trank you so much for your articles Dr. Fox. They helped a lot to understand myself. I could write a whole book about the consequences of my parents narcissistic abuse. A certain look, a certain intonation is enough to put me into fight, flight or freeze. I’m working on it with my therapist. It gets better but healing is hard work and it can be hurtful
If you’re avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: “You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless.” This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can’t always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. Consider, he may be your twin flame. Look into that. After he initiated your trauma, you’re now left to heal all that comes up. Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just, be and approve who comes along. It’s a yes: you meet my requirements, or: a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you’re accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what’s meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up. It’s all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, block it, or run from it.
One of the big things that happened with my children with my ex-husband, who is a narcissist and also was a military officer while they’re growing up and after the divorce he was working in electrical engineering. To live with someone like that, I was always working constantly to orchestrate the perfect scenarios so that he would show attention to the children that they so desperately wanted from their father. When it was dinner time, I called everyone to dinner and we sat at the table together and his big thing was to say to the kids with a raised and intimidating voice and actually physically would move them he would tell them” over your plate, you eat over your plate! It happened every night without fail and it did not matter how young they were, this is what he did and it made for a very stressful time that was supposed to be a time that we could talk together and enjoy one another’s company while we were eating. I would try to change subjects and then he would Grill them about anything and everything whether it be school or whether it be picking up a toy or making sure that they ate a certain amount of something that they didn’t want to eat. It was awful and I felt helpless. I was always orchestrating and waiting on him hand and foot I got to the point where I was not thinking that the money he earned was our money or the things and toys like boats Etc were my things just as much as they were his things but I thought they were his only. Just like his fancy truck. I know now, how he was unfaithful to me in our marriage practically from the day he said I do or even beforehand and continue throughout our marriage even though it was something that he accuse me of.
I grew up with a petulant borderline mother and various father figures, most of which were either narcissists or sociopaths. It didn’t help that none of them ( including mum ) were self-aware, and if they were they didn’t get any therapy. They all liked to bully and hide behind drugs and alcohol. I think they enjoyed the fantasy of being superior and always right At times it was like growing up in a war-zone. Battle of the ego’s. Kinda sucked to say the least.
My stepson’s mother was awful to him about chubbiness and the color of his teeth. He was a normal, healthy kid who was getting ready to go through puberty. He soon shot up to six and a half feet tall and thin as a rail. The kid could (and did) walk around with mustard all over his face and not care (he was a preteen at the time), but he would fuss over his weight and that his teeth were too yellow. That was his mother’s voice in his head. He’s 24 now and still is haunted by these criticisms.
I have bern Both Big and Thin!! I had vsg weightloss surgery in 2015, i lost a 166 pounds kept it off.I am age 64.. i have always been my worst Critic!! i same year had my Gall Bladder Removed. My mo that Day was moving to Tn with my. Younger Sister. I guess all she did was talk about my weight to the Surgeon! i never could please her my whole Life .. i only talk to hed maybe Once a week by phone shes still Negative shes age 81.. shes worse since a a stroke..shes with our Younger half Sister Lori. Shes was Moms Favourite our Life time. Tbats why Moms wheres shes at Today!! its a long. Story i will not drag out!!Ty Doctor Fox!! Your articles help me i am still Learning at age 64..
My mother is a narcissist. But she also gaslighted me like that movie growing up. Also when I was growing up my mother when I would be getting ready for school she would pull a gun out on me and pick me outside naked. Years later she shot me six times. I really needed to hear this article today thank you.
The young child before starting to speak or to argue, already quietly depicts how the narc mother used to treat her husband, or the narc father his wife, or even both parents in a toxic manner each. That child had the forced as close opportunity to learn the specific spectrum of narc behavior as „the family’s standard”, how to cope with it, how to manage to survive, even before he becomes the parents object of mental incest. Typicaly such child will later feel uncertain and unable to discern between beeing subject or object or disapreciated at all.
Our Mothers never Ever Apologized for any thing!! i apologized to my 2 Kids millions of times my Daughter and Son are in thir 40’s ..This helps me to undedstand my Struggles,,Plus i had Childhood Rape Age 6. Molested from 9-11 from my mothers Father. He molested Moms 4 girls. Mom had 4 girls two hoys..My brother Bobby killed himself in 1993.He was alcoholic. ..plus used Pills. Plus Alcohol.. i adored Him. September 23 he would turn 63.. i spent most of my life protecting Bobby!! he was Gay Mom never accepted Him that way!! I am Moms Oldest.. Bobby was 1 year Younger than me. I have 1 sister Kathy i am close too. My Brother Bert. I am close too.. we have 2 sisters one in south Fla. .one in Clarksville Tn where our mom lives Moms 81 till Dec15,2022, Our step Dad lives in Mississippi with our Brother Bert Dads 89.our real dad left us when we were very little.. dad was alcoholic. Me and Kathy found him in 1992 in Tampa Fla. We had part of a year with Him till he died in 1993 after our Brother Bobby. My Grandma 1993 was a hard year for me!! Thank You Dr . Fox, All your articles help me. I am not under. no mental health help at this Time..i spent most of my life in Therapy even at young ages!!
My mistake was showing my authentic self at certain times in my life to my mom only to get criticized and savagely put down that I just developed an outer shell that she knows and approves of, but isn’t truly me. I’m 38 and she does not know my taste in music, movies, clothes, beliefs, etc. I recently picked up a hobby and she noticed that I was enjoying it and she made a horrible comment about how much it bothered her that I just added it to my list of “things to not do around her.” 😢
“everybody makes a mess”. i hoinestly ask, so what? so what if everyone makes mistakes, so what if i agree no one deserves to be treated poorly for something like that? Fact is as long as anyone around me decides i DO deserve to feel pain for a mistake i will be subjected to it. Theres no defending myself, no getting away, no deescalating. I really would like to get what changes in my life if i start believing what you said, if no one else around me does the same? And before people start saying to make better friends, im talking about strangers, classmates, teachers, bosses, coworkers. Not people i choose to be around, or who i cant get away from without sacrificing everything.
These years I realized my mother is mild covert narc. In the article you mention about body shame. I am chubby now and she celebrates me when I do not eat 😅 I never pat attention to these things before, but when you mentioned I realized how it affected my niece. My brother’s daughter. My little niece do not like her baby pictures cause her face is “puffy and fat” she is now 14 and eats little and follows all my mother advices, my mom got a golden child on my niece. The body shame is so subtle but exists
ty, I feel I am on the right path after working to accept my mental framework without judgement, identifying things I’d like to shift, and praising my efforts when I feel anxiety over my progress. Is there already a article on a parent with poor boundaries taking on their kids’ actions and hobbies, etc? At the start of the pandemic, I dyed my hair purple, then my abusive parent dyed theirs with purple streaks as well. ˆenjoyed dance, suddenly we’re going to see the Nutcracker Suite and Debbie Reynolds performing live. I start a garden, they’re calling all the time asking for squash or cucumbers. The stuff that is ‘me’, they did everything they could to turn into being about them. One year they showed up unexpectedly for my birthday, I already had plans for two social events plus a music festival, they’re pissed off at me for honouring those plans and gripe about why is me going out with friends more important than my parents? What the hell, five or six hours of me having a healthy social life is the end of the world for some reason. UGH.
If something went wrong when the kids were below the age of 18, they would always have to listen to and I’m not exaggerating hours I mean hours of put Downs, taunting, humiliating, imitating them crying or repeating something they said. If they said words like I know, there was a long berating over that. If they said okay, he said no it’s not okay. They would say I’m just meaning to tell you I understand what you’re saying. Then it was more no you do not understand what I’m saying because if you did understand what I’m saying you wouldn’t have did what you did because you’re a piece of crap or whatever name he chose at that moment. Absolute evil tyrannical Behavior.
Dr Fox does it sound logic that BPD is coping strategy due to NPD mother if you are daughter? Im confused because in IFS sr Schwartc says that we should accept all selves, also that voice of toxic shaming. And I really dont know how to accept it with love. This creates confusion, because as much as I now know to observe that shaming thoughts, it is not easy, and if I try to confront it seems to get worse. I know that many of you who devoted their life as Marsha Linehan to treat BPD say that it is genetic desorder, wich I cant agree apon. Hipersensitivity in child can be also seen as deep biological disruption that child feels even in utero. If some woman with NPD cares a baby inside of her, her stress hormons makes tremendous damage to NS in development. So I see it as severe early develomental traumas, and also after that disruption a childhood emotional neglect. No strategies that are healthy to child to resolve pain, grief, lonlliness, emptiness and toxic shaming. I belve it is also before cognitive stage of level. If someone has NPD parrent the worse thing is that they never tasted love, care, amd accetpance. It really sounds like BPD to me. Share youre thoughtd please. Thanks again on youre article.
Father passed in 05 & mother, brother & i were blessed. The Roles shifted but in the Hierarchy of Sadistically Catholic Narcissism i remained unheard,seen or valued. Mothers lust for my harm was decided to reach beyond the grave by giving control of my trust fund inheritance to my sibling as she-$atan claimed me to be special needs inheritance upon her death. With every childhood misery being my mothers legal bound fate… I found her manipulative ways to fifill her lust for my harm. Control his her game and my role was to die to serve her story.
You can label a narcissist because they’re a narcissist however you can’t label their children as they’re all individuals born with their own strengths. My example as a first born independent natural self-confidence/discipline/respect that’s innate it was there before anything else so I’ve always listened to what my nature tells me not anybody else seeing as I knew better. What did occur was that I had no patience I’d get irritated on account of their unstable lack of maturity and because these are persistent slow learners their egos were hurt all the time. Being a natural born killer of ego didn’t make it easier for me but there was no controlling me since what was in me was stronger that’s just the way it was. And I was up against three of them you can’t imagine. My respect doesn’t go to people automatically they have to earn it, so that’s my outcome on account of narcissists in the family yes it is true that children who are treated disrespectfully by narcissistic parents, but not all since they’re all individuals, will have stricter standards than most.
I wasn’t able to transition into my neurologically assigned gender because my parents made me feel like it was a mistake by rational of gender being a choice, until i became an adult. I was so ashamed to be different and i couldn’t even love myself since they saw my gender as a flaw to be shamed. Every member of my family is a narcissist and this is a serious issue in the world right now that very few are even aware of and this point in history.
My daughter developed anorexia and bulimia when she was in high school. I know why. I wish that I could have stopped it. Why did the woman he married right after we divorced stay with him? Money, prenuptial agreement. It would have been a different thing if she would have been a nurturing motherly figure but she was not and she was very distant and unaffectionate. She kept the journals of every cent they spent on the children including food and clothing. She wrote down everything they did wrong. Another words he married another tyrant. She had emotional issues I know that. After my son died, after everybody was gone, for the first time ever she approached me t e a r f u l l y, and quickly and said I’m sorry and left is quickly as she came.
I remember when I was fourteen years old, and I had the chance to go inyo a foster home (the CAS worker presented this to me). I declined out of fear (what if it will be worse?), and because I was afraid that this will block the contact with my other family members (like grandparents, etc.) who were overseas. Now at 42, I wonder if I had taken the plunge, and if I would’ve been placed into a caring, kind foster family, would my life be different? Too late to know.
What he fails to understand is trying to combat the internalization by speaking positively to ourselves is that most of us are emotionally exhausted just maintaining a level of functionality within our own lives. We’re tired. You’re asking us to say nice things that we don’t believe and have no basis for that belief. For those of us that can’t afford long term therapy to rid ourselves of this we are left constantly managing. We’re tired. We can’t comprehend positive templates. Please understand that.
Hi sir I’m Hema. I had sent you a comment on your talk on narcissistic parents in your article dated 24th April. It was a ‘Hi’ and after that I have sent another comment to your reply to mine yesterday to the same article. Please check it sir. And please let me know if you haven’t received it. I have subscribed to your website. Thank you. Have a nice day.
Hi Dr Fox. This comment isn’t related to your article, I’m sorry… I am struggling to see things clearly, can you just please confirm it’s ok for my boyfriend to spend sometime with his brother when he’s not working ? We all live inthe same house and sometimes he gets up and will go and spend time with him pretty much straight after he wakes up .. the emotional response I have to this is soooo intense I can’t think straight…. Is what he’s doing ok? Thank you x
Now, how to fix that broken picker when you have a narcissistic parent and somehow keep allowing narcissistic friends, bosses, and romantic partners in your life…because they feel somehow familiar to you right away, and you mistake that feeling of familiarity for what should be a MASSIVE waving red flag that turns on your fight or flight reflex to make you bolt away from them (like you would a same-species predator), as though your survival depended on it? lol Funny…but also not funny, and quite tragic, at times.