Learning social skills can be challenging if you were not exposed to traditional group dynamics as a child, struggle with mental illnesses like anxiety or depression, or simply lack the necessary experiences. To improve social skills, go out more, find new hobbies, engage in more conversations, and say yes. Anger mismanagement is a common problem associated with a lack of social skills at any age, and in adulthood, they are at greater risk if violence is used.
Highly intelligent people can lack social skills more than others due to factors such as overthinking responses, social communication difficulties related to ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and being picked on when they were younger. Factors related to shyness and weaker social skills can also be related to being picked on or excluded.
To assess if you have bad social skills, look for nine behaviors: oversharing, poor eye contact, interrupting others, and not recognizing nonverbal cues. A lack of socialization opportunities, such as limited exposure to diverse social settings or isolation from peers, can hinder the acquisition of social skills.
Loneliness and stress are two variables that bind poor social skills to health. People with poor social skills have high rates of anxiety, depression, and difficulty in expressing themselves. To improve social skills, engage in more activities, engage in conversations, and say yes to new experiences.
📹 The Mindset That’s Making You Socially Anxious
Social anxiety usually comes from lacking these specific traits. Get exclusive content/1 on 1 sessions: …
What causes poor social skills?
Social skills weaknesses in children and adolescents can be attributed to various factors, including ADHD, ASD, NVLD, and SCD. Environmental factors, past social challenges, anxiety, or depression can also contribute to these deficits. Addressing social skills deficits is crucial for improving social interactions. Social skills training can be an effective approach to enhance these skills. Social skills groups provide a supportive environment for children, tweens, and teens to learn and practice social skills alongside peers.
These groups aim to help children develop a more natural and confident approach to social interactions. Social skills are essential tools for building and maintaining meaningful relationships, navigating social situations with confidence, making good decisions, and communicating effectively. Mastering social interactions impacts academic success, behavior, family and social relationships, and participation in extracurricular activities.
Can you fix poor social skills?
Social skills are essential for connecting with others and forming successful interactions. Both children and adults can practice and improve these skills through various activities such as school social skills groups, joining clubs or classes, and role-playing. Struggling with social skills can lead to problems in various aspects of life, including school, work, home, and community. People struggling with social skills may struggle with conversation, seem out of sync, or behave in a way that turns off others. They may also struggle to pick up on social cues and follow social rules, making it difficult to fit in, form friendships, and work with others. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Why do I have 0 social skills?
Lack of social skills can be attributed to various developmental factors, including early childhood experiences, genetic predispositions, environmental factors, learning disabilities, and neurodevelopmental disorders. Developmental factors include limited socialization opportunities, traumatic events, and genetic predispositions. Environmental factors include limited exposure to diverse social settings, isolation from peers, bullying, and social exclusion.
Learning disabilities or neurodevelopmental disorders, such as autism spectrum disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, can also affect social interaction and communication abilities. Understanding these factors can help tailor interventions and support to address specific needs.
Is it normal to have bad social skills?
Bad social skills are common and not exclusive to shy individuals or certain personality types. Oversharing is a common issue where individuals provide excessive personal information about themselves, making others uncomfortable. This can be due to various reasons, such as gaining attention, poor boundaries, connection, or anxiety. To avoid oversharing, it is essential to pause before sharing personal information, establish personal boundaries, and listen actively.
Additionally, it is crucial to ask questions about others’ thoughts and feelings to maintain a healthy social environment. By recognizing and addressing these signs, individuals can improve their social skills and maintain a positive and productive relationship with others.
Why do I struggle so much socially?
Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of being watched and judged by others, which can significantly impact daily activities such as work, school, and social interactions. This fear can make it difficult to make and maintain friends, and is treatable. Symptoms of social anxiety disorder can manifest in situations where individuals may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, job interviews, class discussions, or dealing with cashiers.
The intensity of the fear can be so overwhelming that it is beyond control, affecting daily activities such as work, school, and daily activities. Some individuals may experience anxiety for weeks before engaging in social situations, while others may avoid places or events that cause distress or embarrassment. Fortunately, social anxiety disorder is treatable, and understanding the symptoms and finding help is crucial for individuals dealing with this condition.
Why can’t I socialize normally?
Aversion to socialization can be influenced by various factors, including individual occurrences, mental health issues, introversion, and Asperger’s. Stressful situations and ideological differences can also contribute to this dislike. Past traumas, particularly those involving close family or acquaintances, can create lasting impacts on social interactions, altering how individuals perceive and interact with others. These traumas can instill fear or distrust, making individuals wary of engaging socially.
Why am I so quiet and awkward?
The article discusses the importance of understanding why we are quiet and suggests that it’s not about focusing on individual factors like personality, history, and biology. Instead, it emphasizes the need to decide whether speaking up more is necessary. If staying quiet is limiting and hindering important goals and values, it may be time for a change. The article suggests exploring the Self Help Section for psychology tools to help overcome fear of judgement and cope with challenging social situations.
Is lack of social skills autism?
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by deficits in social communication, behavior, interests, and activities. It affects individuals across communication, sensory processing, and social skills development. The prevalence of ASD has been increasing, highlighting the need for educators to support students with ASD. The CDC reports that around 1 in 36 children in the United States is diagnosed with ASD.
Does high IQ affect social skills?
Individuals with high IQs tend to demonstrate superior verbal abilities, communication skills, vocabulary, and social interaction comprehension.
Why am I so unconfident socially?
Insecurity, often rooted in childhood experiences, social pressures, or traumatic experiences, can hinder confidence and self-esteem. Overcoming insecurity requires self-awareness, recognizing triggers, challenging negative thoughts, practicing self-compassion, and celebrating strengths and victories. According to the American Psychological Association, insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy and lack of confidence that leads to doubts about abilities and relationships. It is often a belief that one is a failure as a person.
Why am I smart but I lack social skills?
The common stereotype that highly intelligent people lack social skills is more likely a myth than an informative one. Recent research indicates that smarter people tend to be better at accurately interpreting and responding to social and emotional cues of others. By using objective data, overcoming biases, communicating better, and recognizing the importance of different forms of intelligence, organizations and their people stand a much better chance of success.
This belief has persisted for centuries, and many people believe that those who are smart or highly intelligent tend to be lost at sea in terms of social skills. This stereotype has persisted for centuries, and it is the ubiquitousness of this stereotype that motivates the author to write on this subject. Recent research has indicated that this belief is more likely a myth than an informative and explanatory stereotype.
In this article, the author provides compelling research dispelling this myth and explains why holding onto this debunked stereotype could be costly in the end.
📹 Social Anxiety Disorder vs Shyness – How to Fix It
Are you Socially Anxious? What’s the difference between social anxiety disorder and being shy? That’s what I’m discuss in this …
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Love this. Detaching yourself emotionally from the outcome of a social interaction really help you go in with that “who gives a f***” attitude which people are naturally way more receptive to than if it comes across that you’re “trying” to be cool or come across a certain way. Finally, people care way more about themselves than you so don’t worry about what they’re thinking about you cause chances are they don’t care, so neither should you!!
for most of my teenage years I’ve had social anxiety. This realization helped me. I used to fill my mind with an acute self awareness while talking to people and it often led to either saying something that doesn’t make sense, not speaking loud enough to be understood, or losing train of focus. I found that by maintaining my mind’s attention on the current moment and not allowing myself to consider predicted outcomes or negative perceptions (about myself), I had a much clearer mental space to just listen to the conversation and really consider what the other person is saying, feeling, or doing. Now I understand that listening itself is the fundamental key to producing valuable conversation, as obvious as that sounds.
So much of social anxiety stems from worrying about an outcome. Either how you will gain people’s approval or lose their approval. Instead, focus on the moment without objective: making good eye contact, taking in the sound of other’s voices, feeling your breath, and listening intently. Trust that you will get lots of content to then relate more naturally to. Because if you’re in your head trying to get somewhere, you will miss all that valuable data, and it will basically be impossible to have a natural conversation. -Nick
Fixing my posture definitely helped me socially, ’cause even I wouldn’t feel the urge to go up and start a conversation with a guy with bent back and neck almost like a dinosaur and half into his phone. “Fix your posture”, “sit straight” are literally golden words if you know how much bad postures affect your social life and mental health.
I think modern society has made more people than ever socially anxious. We can work at home, order food to our doors, talk to friends through the phone spending more time than ever not around people. So when we are put in a social setting in person it is “out of the ordinary”. Before technology, I think this was much less a problem because socializing was something you just had to do. You had to work in person, order things in person, interact with many people throughout the day. This is why I think the best way I’ve found helps me is to just make it a point to have more social interactions in general.
I believe you should live your life without the intention of connecting with People. What I mean by that is go about your way do the things the you love or that interest you, have small talks with individuals and go about your life with contentment. Can’t live life wondering who will come, stay or have a place in it.
oooooohhh this mindset makes so much sense! i have insane social anxiety and i’m also a teacher, and people always ask me how i do it. but teaching my kids is so different to making conversation with random people and as a teacher i do command some respect and definitely have control over the interactions. another mindset shift that has helped with my anxiety is telling myself that i don’t need to ‘get’ anything out of the interaction (i learned this from russel brand lol). basically if i’m trying to make people like me because i want to get friends out of the interaction, that’s probably going to make me more anxious and i may not even be myself. also i am crying at 4:38 lmaoooo
My advice is: stop believing you are socially awkward, stop believing that you are any of the bad things that you think about yourself. It’s most people negative core beliefs that keep them hostage. It’s just your thought, you are not your thought(otherwise when they pass you would pass too) so don’t trust it, follow your intuition. The mind is great slave but a terrible master
There’s always gonna be people who form negative opinions on us regardless of how perfect we could act. It took me till about the age of 25 to stop overthinking social situations and just allowing myself to say silly shit and not care. I think most people appreciate someone who just speaks authentically and doesn’t try to come across as this drone who always tries to say the right things.
I feel being socially anxious/awkward is a self worth thing. I can bet anyone who is socially anxious doesn’t feel that way when they are alone, when they are talking to a child or when they are talking to an elderly person. Coming from personal experience, the times I feel socially anxious is when I believe my self worth is being tested ( all in my head). I don’t have trouble taking to women, chidlren, and elderly people because as a man, I have natural dominance. Relating and getting along with authority figures in my life is where I struggle. but I already know the cure to problems which is to treat absolute everyone as they have the same exact self worth as myself. the hard part is implementing in real time
9:32 genius. I work in outside sales and come across this all the time with my dentist. Little do they know that I practiced dentistry for nearly 13 years and know everything they know. I play along and align myself at level or slightly above. It works every time. And soon enough rapport and respect is established and their ego goes away.
As I suffer from this and speak often about it with my psychologist I believe it is valid to point out that it is important to FIRST develop the mindset of dealing with wrongs as learning instead of failure when approaching girls (as suggested to do in the article) will most of the times ended up in rejections and this will cause your emotions, but without the mindset to approach it, feeling bad emotions can cause you to be actually less inclined to approach people as you will not feel that good about the result.
Thanks Cole, during the quarantine i shifted my YouTube algorythm into Social Skills articles thinking I could be a different person when it’d be over. Turns out I just became more awkward and made me worry so much about things that I would never know if I just didn’t watch those kind of articles, like whothefuck cares if you’re an Alpha or Beta male, you’ll end up meeting good people that like you just the way you are someday
What makes me socially anxious is that I can’t relate to people. I’m detail oriented and I inhale knowledge. I can’t stand most movies or most shows, because I can’t relate to the characters. I also don’t depress easily, so I’m more than happy to talk about grim topics. I’m also face-blind while most people insist on communicating with body language. I’m out of the game before it even starts.
In general the goal is to have a position of respect, no matter in what field it is. A lot of people (me but also other introverts) really made a step forward when they got respect in their jobs and had to learn how to talk in front of an audience or with important people. Respect gets reinforced and drifts to other areas of life. Let’s face it: If you have to think about different tactics to be more natural in conversations you won’t be relaxed when they come. Then also accepting that some conversations will be awkward and that is ok. You can’t bond with everyone and in some situations you will feel anxious still (think about business meetings where you have to make a good impression).
I don’t really relate to caring what people think of me. I do to an extent or course, but my fear seems to be more of a fear of irritating the other person. Also, the hardest part for me is the aftermath. I can say stupid things and not care at the moment, but I know if I do, I won’t be able to sleep later that night.
I’ve also observed that when I’m actually excited to be there with that person, or something really good just happens in my day, it will really push me to be more talkative and put myself out there. Like for example I pass a really hard test, I get accepted at a job, or I get a new car, it can be anything like that, it really makes me joyful and happy, and motivated to talk.
Yo I loved that one. I’m currently reading the laws of human nature by robert greene and he has this law called “Law of self sabotage” and he talks about how you can change your circumstances by changing your attitude. So these mindset traits you shared make a person have a positive attitude which draws people in
The timing is spotting on for this article. This is still something I’m working on. Just yesterday I had to go back to work after working remotely for the past year and a half. I find myself still being socially awkward and playing in my head over and over again the conversations I’ve had with my coworkers…beating up myself and judging myself “I shouldn’t have said this and that” or “I could have said this instead” or “they probably think I’m stupid and weird” 😅. I have to keep reminding myself that we’re all just meatsacks on a floating rock in an infinite expansion of space. None of this will matter and I plan to quit soon 😊. Stay strong my extremely shy and socially anxious ppl
You also really gotta drop the desire to make people like you. I know it sounds backwards as you’re trying to make new friends, but the more you want someone to like you, the more awkward and fake you’re gonna be. You gotta accept who you are and you will weed out the wrong people and start inviting in the right people. And this even includes that crush you might have, lol; there will be others.
Why no one is talking about feeling uncomfortable or feeling stupid, when people don’t reply or react back to your conversation, questions, statements or any joke you are putting in the group. Why it’s a weird feeling of looking dumb of ourselves at the same time curious of why they haven’t said or reacted anything😢
I’ve had anxiety my entire life, and let me tell you I’ve found how to defeat it in its simplest form: How can I talk to strangers in the same careless manner that I talk to my mom and familiar family members. Once I noticed how differently I felt and behaved around unfamiliar people, that helped change my mindset
Glad you’re working and progressing. I’m 57, gay, non-drinker, non-drug, hates sports, can’t do things like knitting, painting, or kite flying because of peripheral neuropathy. Guys in my area expect drinking at a minimum, often (not with me, this world is for the attractive) meth, K, or G to accompany sex, and that’s all their addled brains want. I realize that having expectations with men sets me up for failure. I have no expectations with women, so who cares if they do or don’t like me. Men (and I mean this fully for 47 years when I understood being gay in 1976) don’t like to talk to me. Despite joining clubs, going to bars, using online community resources, working in a gay clothing store in the ‘hood, at age 57, I have only dated 5 men. 2 were about a year, 2 were about 5 weeks, 1 was significantly longer. That’s a lot of alone time, trying to talk to men and getting told I was too ugly or too skinny or too boring. Yes, gay men say these out loud. In the ‘80’s when AIDS was terrorizing my community, I was 6’2″ and 145lbs. Over and over men said, “No pecs, no sex” whether I had sexual intentions or not. They wouldn’t even small talk. Another asked, “When am I getting out of Auschwitz?” Clearly one could point out that these men weren’t worth my time, but 14 years between dates hurt overwhelmingly. I know that I didn’t talk to every gay man, but I sincerely attempted to not be so alone. Besides, it can be difficult to determine whether someone is gay at all. Even with the apps, people don’t want to meet you unless it’s for sex alone.
You can save hours of demoralizing frustration with social anxiety by working with a mental health counselor for fewer sessions rather than perusal countless articles that aren’t really getting you anywhere. Even if the counselling (by an actual professional) is free and online, it’s much better than passive consumption of self help articles. Those professionals can help you directly work with your blindspots and won’t try to upsell you with merch or Patreon subscriptions.
I like this article. I don’t really like it when people boil complicated things that can hurt people down to a few key points or whatever cause aside from the danger of oversimplification, it invites twisting the ideas to make them less harmful to view for someone with social anxiety, degenerating the information and in turn giving false hope. So I was skeptical. Turns out I was wrong cause I quickly figured that each of the three mindset traits feel unachievable to me. It’s not as sugar coated as I would expect, which makes me believe the information is more real and actually usable by someone looking to improve. I personally don’t have the courage to watch this website a lot for this reason, but that’s also what makes me admire the articles.
This explains a lot for me! I’ve always had difficulty socializing with peers or anyone older than me, but was fine with those younger than me. I’ve found it’s easier for me to socialize with awkward people or anyone I’m in charge of at work. I’ve been able to notice small patterns with this, but was never able to pinpoint exactly what it was; but this perfectly explains it. When I feel I have power in the conversation, it’s much easier for me to speak and direct the flow of conversation. Whereas anytime I feel “below” the other person, I freeze up and have nothing to say. Now that I know this, I’ll look out for it and try to apply these tips.
You can learn to handle your anxiety by embracing your weaknesses as a part of yourself. You’re in a situation where you look like an anxiety ridden fool? Ok, and? Every normal person experiences that. It won’t make you lose social standing, in fact people can empathize with you better if you let them see your flaws. It can even trigger their inner good samaritan where they try to make you feel welcome and supported precisely because you’re imperfect. Don’t be afraid of requiring assistance. Everyone needs help.
I left my intensely stressful job that made me feel more and more censored and less stable (in the four years went from barely said anything to being open, friendly, and was able to cheer many people up and then progressively went back to struggling to say anything). I felt like there was a constant target on my back such as when I got yelled at for calmly referring to a girl (that was my friend at the time) by her nickname that SHE GAVE HERSELF which was Nurse Ratchet when no one else was nearby. She then added an ocean of fuel to the flame by WEARING IT AS A NAMETAG AROUND WORK. When I left that place to a whole new environment at a car dealership washing and preparing cars with a bunch of guys, it was absolute culture shock, everything was different. Working only with people I had never met after working my first job for four years was mind blowing. Sure, I was quiet the first month or two but once I got settled in it was like paradise. They would call out to me and wave when they saw me walking in the distance to them. I’m not even sure if I ever got used to it, just was able to hold back the tears of joy. I felt truly blessed and spoiled and hoped I didn’t wake up. Meanwhile others would complain of things of the job, and some couldn’t wait to get out of there. I guess after Hell, a job with a regular amount of stress feels like Heaven. I sang, I danced, I narrated, I was alive. I say this in regard to him covering the feeling of being in control making a difference and thought I’d chime in something that someone out there could relate to.
I am a photographer. Semi famous in my area. It doesn’t happen too much that people pretend they are higher up than me. Thats just how people are in The Netherlands also I guess. But as a person with Autism I recognize the feeling of maybe being odd. Its a thing none autistic people detect on autistics without realizing it. If you start thinking of it. Its fucked up. But I decided to embrace it. In all ways possible. I stopped being too nice. The Dutch are direct. Then I am more so. I display my likes and oddities instead of trying to manage my persona. I try to not talk too much, overshare or talk over others. But when I do and cant help it. I admit to being autistic to the person I am talking to. And it just works. It makes me feel more free. And the other person, unless they are an asshole, will gain respect for me as a person, just trying to so my thing is while having a type of disability. Ill admit I overplay it once in a while. But in my business it has landed me the right type of people. I would advice it.
Thank you for this article!! I’m going to completely new school in other city where all students are newcomers this year. And I’m really excited and nervous at the same time. I was overthinking like what if I wouldn’t be accepted and all, but your article really helped me. I got that I already have friends, so it’s not that important to make friends at school and now I don’t really care.
Zoloft helped..took a few months to get through some anxiety mostly because i wasn’t staying consistent w the dosage but w zanax it helped. It’s a good idea to improve urself before letting someone else make u realize u need to be more confident. It puts up blockers or whatever n u don’t care to be more goofy or laid back w conversating w people n they feel that energy n they lighten up right away too. Wish I took it years ago. Now I’m not afraid to walk in front of a group of people n knowing if a conversation starts that I have a I don’t give a crap but friendly personality n it relieves anyone else’s nerves around u n the more u have situations like this ur brain programs itself to be less nervous. But don’t go trying to hit on anyone cause once u sense rejection ur brain starts to reprogram itself. Just enjoy life n anything that comes along is just extra.
You actually opened my eyes a little bit. Maybe i can build on this article with an experience myself. This year i started developing myself and one big thing was actually to get good with the ladies. The reason for that was a special someone i wanted at my side. Since she was what i wanted, it felt extremely easy to talk to other women. Down to a point where i had more experience in 3 months then in my whole life together. Funnily enough talking to her still felt like i was searching for the right words and the more i tried, the worse it got.
I can relate 100% with the article as I am a huge overthinker. Especially in Indian society, people have this habit of making fun of people who say things that are a bit different from what the general public thinks.I think this attitude of society makes us overly conscious of what to say and what not to say.
I love this article. Ive seen alot of these types of websites and your depth and practicality is top tier homie. I recently discovered on my own about the matching energy tip, in an odd but very revealing way. I always thought I was the weird one based off others vibes but now that I gained some self respect I can see it differently. I was talking to someone and they were giving me weird energy so my initial knee-jerk reaction was oh fuck am I being weird? Then I realized wait a minute this person is making this weird not me. The awareness allowed me to maintain composure and leave the conversation not ruminating as I would have previously.
I also observed that when you start to think about the conversation or think about how your talking, you start to choke, my motto that I live by is “don’t think, just do” some skater guy at the skate park once told me when I was nervous about sending a jump, he was like “don’t think about it too hard, just send it!!”
I used to be the clown class but then I just stop talking and started to leave people alone bc I been called annoying so I just stayed to my self and then Covid came around and I couldn’t really hang around with people no more and then I started to get comfortable being by my self playing the game and also laying down on the bed and I started gaining weight. And then I started caring about what people think about me
im a senior of highschool and this is the exact mindset i have at school. its a small school with like 70 people. everyone knows me accross all grades, im respcted, i have a reputation as a condfident and bold guy and i am seen as a leader figure. (not to sound like an asshole, this has a point) During the weekend i go to a jazz academy wich is basicaly school for jazz. when im at jazz academy a lot of my boldness and confidence and charisma has been taperd and im just seen as a regular guy who stands out a little. Ive reasoned that the cuase of this extreeme change in behavoir is due to me not being the unrwitten leader of the soicial situation because when everyone respects you and you know it then it gives you the feeling of feling like you cant mess up. so at school during convos i just say what on my mind and i dont care about what happens afterwards cuz i would just find it funny. However at jazz academy i think i might be subconsisly afriad of being outted or seen as weird. so all of a sudden i care about what people might say about me and it cuases me to watch what i say a lot more im still confident im not shy but i dont talk nearly as much as at school. I think the solution is to not trick yourself into thinking that you have social leadership as this article suggest cuz it may cuase issues down the road. I think the solution is to trust that people will like you for just being you without a thick filter. cuz people are attracted to real. then youll go through social situations with a F it menality and end up as the soical leader more than not.
This was the article I was looking for now I know what my problem was I had social anxiety to honest I hate women like that who think their better then anyone else like I was trying to start up a conversation with this one girl and she rejected me for no reason I was trying to practice my social skills I appreciate you explaining it to me
It sucks because just after I graduated hs I was top of my game, I was secure in myself, confident, felt like the top of the world, didn’t take shit from nobody, a fucking chad. Then I had a one night stand, got this weird OCD fear, started working and got ball busted by my female managers after a few stunts I pulled. And now 2 years later I’m in a pit, of social anxiety, and insecurity trying to figure out what the fuck made me so confident then, like it’s right there but I just can’t quite grasp it and I don’t know why.
(I realize this article is about two years old.). Is there such a thing as social anxiety due to the way that other people keep acting towards you? I can give dozens of examples. A friend of 10+ years who had offended me offered an “apology,” but he felt the need to call me a conspiracy theorist, due to other things I had shared (based on research or public articles that are published on government websites). I don’t care about making things up or airing uninformed opinions. It’s still possible that the government trolls the public by publishing false information. I went out to breakfast with relatives, and naturally ordered the amount of food that I felt would satisfy my hunger. Two plates of food came out to the table (both for me). The next thing I knew, I became the center of attention or the topic of conversation for the whole table. I just assumed everyone else would be more focused on their own food. Then, there would be the total strangers who just walk up and start touching me. Stroking my forearm, slapping me on the butt. Hard to believe that would be normal behavior, or that nobody else has ever pressed charges. I can’t count the number of times that has happened in public/broad daylight. What about when you’re wearing a sports hat (mostly to stay warm), but someone else perceives it as a “social cue,” or an invitation to ask about your favorite player from the NY Mets. Uhhhhhhhh … I literally don’t think I had considered that concept before the person asked me the question.
The problem is that he has one of the biggest advantages over most men: he is good looking. Women will have a better reaction to first meeting him while when girls see me they will be more proactive and less interested with me because I’m under 5/10 in looks. This is something he should take into consideration because looks do matter
Makes me think of my younger self where I could be myself completely. I can say the most immature joke or make fart noises as a kid and naturally gain friends. Not because of the joke itself but they see me not giving a 🦆 and feel comfortable unleashing their inner child. Now I see myself just stressing out about the dumbest thing. Even the same 4th grade humor I once had is something I got rid of since I’m an adult and need to present myself as one. Maybe it’s time to bring back the inner child within us.
There is a big diference when you really like the person and when it’s just a conversation with somebody random.. when you really care it comes with so much anxiety and wories if they gonna like me to.. and that can ruin everything you actualy hope for.. Sorry if my spelling is bad, i try 😄 Greetings from Croatia.. 😊
Cole, today is 26.12.2023 1230pm i absolutely random run into your website i am 29 years old man i do not know english well i struggle finding friends and meetings. I watched a few of your articleus they are very helpful i wish i can be better and to know how to start conversation with strangers small talks is where i fawk up very bad but well maybe someday i will have the courage to permit to myself to not be perfect instead to be real and things to flow natural cause i constant overthink what to say and ppl start feeling the energy inside of me feel that i hide something in the same time my overthinking is fawking me up and all fall apart ….
I think that art of conversation come mainly with experience but you can’t have it if you fear conversations and have social anxiety so what i did was to participate in any social situations that i can with mindset that i don’t even need to say anything just listen how others talk also realizing existence of spotlight effect worked wonders on lowering my leavel of social anxiety I also implemented basic theory of conversation that i learned from the internet it really gives you edge over others I also work on myself and with my therapist so that gives me additional confidence boost And last i stopped attaching my personal worth to amount of social interaction that i get
This is actually something found in metaphysics. If you tell yourself you’re in control, you’ll believe you’re in control. It’s all to do with manipulation of your unconscious, as it can not distinguish thought from reality. So, really, a lot of the time, you can change your mood or emotions by using executive thought to sway your unconscious.
You were liked Not because you had control and were a leader, no, you were liked because you finally had purpose for once, not being lost and confused, left to overthink, not knowing what to say, trying to be a people pleaser, when you have no purpose you just become lost, confused, not knowing yourself. You must be your self first, you must realize you need nobody they need you also you must have self worth because no one will give you respect if you don’t respect yourself first and put yourself first then others. Trying to please people repelled them if they don’t like you already. With no purpose you become a follower and not a leader. Find what you like and do it, I like snakes and dogs so that’s what I like to do. Once you start doing what you wanted that intreast you you will now have things to do and talk about and not feel anxious also, only live in the present not the past or future. You can like guitar, skateboard, cooking, art, ect.
Very interesting article. I totally relate. I am a photographer and when I started out 5 years ago doing portraits I noticed something about myself that when I am in control of the situation I am a 1000% more confident. A beautiful girl comes to the shoot in my garage or an outdoor location because of the dynamic of the relationship at the moment I am more myself and am able to direct, crack jokes make all kind of conversation and she is very receptive because she sees me in a position of power. I ended up shooting boudoir several times, and those relationships turned sexual most of the time. Which wasn’t my intent, but the girls would take it there. Outside of my shoots talking to random girls it would often feel forced and getting them interested was more difficult because the dynamic switched and they felt in a position of power since I was trying to attract them and they had the say in wether or not they’d give me a shot. I think having this frame of mind outside of when you are in a position of control is somewhat difficult. Women are naturally attracted to men in power. And if they don’t know you and you are some guy chatting them up, you have to really try and be yourself and not try too hard. I think best way to stand out is minding your own business and if you see a girl you like, subtly express your interest with body language and a couple of words. If she comes to you then you are in a position of power again.
Idk, after living in dormitory for years I stopped expecting anything from anyone, and I stopped caring. I would be able to sit in silence with this girl and not feel discomfort, I only start conversations if I see that this would help the other person to relax a bit, if they need it. I’m not a social butterfly though, I hardly speak to anyone outside of work, so my approach is definitely not for everyone.
This is all true for me I’d get so nervous going to parties I’d freeze up and be a wall flower and the only solution is going to as many as I could and forcing myself to talk to randoms (which is always easier than you think if their friendly) and eventually I could actually have fun and make friends it’s all a process of just saying fuck it
I feel like the community I’ve grown up with doesn’t let me do these things. They give me weird looks and don’t really keep in contact after. Even friends of theirs seem to just have this uppity attitude that feels like I need to present myself a certain way. Whereas with other people I meet on my own time feel much more open to my quirks or weirdness. It literally feels like two different worlds sometimes.
The problem with facing rejection is when after 10 years it’s all you are met with, how can one push so hard for so long and not bear fruit? I’ve exhausted every other avenue but self-reflection is met with “Nooooo you’re perfect just be who you are” okay but no one has accepted who I am and it’s been too long for it not to be suspect
I got called stupid by several bullies in grade school all the time because I would get an answer wrong 2/3 of the time. In hindsight, I was one of the only people willing to answer questions. Learning is 99% failure anyways. I’m glad that even though I’ve always had social anxiety (for now) I was never afraid to sound stupid because learning always took precedence over social anxiety.
I was out at a birthday dinner at this restaurant and meeting some new people. Im great at conversation but the way I present it is pretty bad. I have a hard time keeping eye contact because it’ feels too intense. And when the waitress came often to ask us questions, I stopped speaking to let her ask us how we were doing and I guess it made me look shy…
I believe social anxiety comes from the false idea that you think people are better than you. To get over this, you must understand, nobody is better than you, most people just like to make it seem like they are on the outside. I use the yin and yang philosophy to help me remember, nobody can be better because that would imply they have more good in their life than they have bad, but that cant happen, where there is more good in your life, more bad soon follows. Without bad, there would be no good.
This is funny, because im pretty spontaneous or have spontaneity all the time. But then I get transgressed by people who look at me like I’m weird or as if my body does not match what I am saying. And also, people who are shut off or depressed or low energy, think of spontaneous things as risky, and they feel uncomfortable, the things i say are actually quite amusing but there still is an edginess to people these days and that is hard to get over, or get through.
If someone isn´t comfortable with you when there is silence, they are actually not comfortable speaking with you. People like to talk, to fill gaps (rambling) or whatever reason, which is annoying, hence people saying “when will this person ever shut up”. So there is no such thing as “awkward silence”. My friend and I can sit in the same room/car etc and not say a single word for several minutes, yet we both are comfortable, despite if we talk a lot or not….
If you don’t care about what the other person thinks, why would you have a conversation with that person in the first place? I know I wouldn’t. Even you implied that you had a conversation because not doing so would be awkward. Even if you’re only caring about your awkwardness, that feeling is created from picking up on the other person’s feelings. As you later mentioned, I think it makes more sense to try and accept the fear of rejection as natural and move forwards regardless. You take that attempt as data, adjust, and move forwards. My bigger issue seems to be over-analyzing each past occurrence, I think those of us with anxiety could do better with just some trust that we can figure it out as we go.
I get nervous to ask questions, to anyone really. But when I finally say something or they say something it just slips out and I don’t even realize I said it. I was hanging out with my crush yesterday and I was super nervous to ask her a question and then she said something and I just followed it up and my question just slipped out??? And I’m 100% aware that I do this(after the fact atleast) but I still get nervous to ask. And my lips won’t move or my body won’t move. It’s annoying. I used to not be like this I didn’t care about anything or what people thought of me at all, so much I didn’t even look in the mirror to make sure I looked good. But when corona hit I had no one to talk to or hang out with so I forgot how to not care (if that makes any sense) and now i care about every little thing I do. Makes me mad
I don’t really think that social anxiety is a product of our mindsets, it’s actually the other way around, in my opinion, getting lots of negative experiences and developing all sorts of beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. When you finally realize the harmful effects of these limiting beliefs, you brain is already programed to behave in a certain familiar way, making it harder to adopt a new way of thinking, which is closer to our true authentic selves. The bottom line is that having a positive mindset won’t do you any good unless you prove it with your actions, like “I screwed up, but, hey, I still can function and do my own things, even though I can’t seem to stop thinking about that” Maybe I completely missed the point of the article, but, hey, at least I shared my thoughts on this topic and improved my writing skills, even if just a little.
I live in Japan and I cannot speak Japanese, and trust me, something as simple as going to the supermarket becomes scary as I can’t reply to anything I’m asked. The thing is, you kinda learn that you will be judged no matter what, but (at least the Japanese) will never say “Stupid gaijin” to your face. You’ll go on your way and they’ll probably forget about you in seconds as they have more important things to think about than a random foreigner. The thing you gotta remember is that the shame of social interaction you feel affects many, many people, including the person you’re going to talk to. I’m sure the japanese I talk to immediately become a little afraid the moment I tell them I’m a gaikokujin and cannot speak Japanese, as they too would be embarrassed to speak in English to me.
Im at highschool and im pretty good looking, im socially awkward and no social skills, i just do not talk, and the mfs somehow likes me, when they confess i don’t communicate, im scared, they called me sigma for an entire month, i just want to be a human, i want to socialize, i do not want a girlfriend
Feel like I have a somewhat unique problem with this. I consider myself to be relatively attractive, charming, interesting and confident. I have dated plenty of women and been in relationships. However, most of this experience has come from traveling or living abroad. In my home country of England I believe I am considered unattractive. I’m 5’7 and brown, which makes me repulsive to at least 60% of the women here. I do meet people I connect with, go to social events and make friends.. but I feel way more socially awkward about it, as the cues and responses I get from people are notably dialed back compared to when I’m somewhere else. But it’s been a while since I dated anyone. I can give a logical explanation behind this and am considering moving abroad again.. what can I do to make it so my answer isn’t just to move abroad? Should I become an island.. or go to other places where I just know I will date more and my social interactions will generally be more pleasant?
The two first traits are parts of emotion detachment, in extreme situation depersonalization. The issue comes that than you can’t even know what the other person feelings and so can’t “level the mental field” unless you’ve been scripted, because now you lack the empathy that emotional detachment brings. How than, do you circumnavigate it? Do you become fake, or are you trying to find balance between the contradictions?
You see, I already do that, but I still have a very high level of social anxiety. And because of this sometimes I pull of an amazing smooth conversation and it’s like I know what I’m saying and how to be confident like it’s scripted but then afterwards I’m like, wtf was that that conversation was so awkward and annoying and disgusting and they probably think I have diabetic heart arthritis like wtf you should never talk to anyone ever again. And I have like no irl friends but LOTS of Minecraft friends because I’m good at conversations just not in real life. PLZ HELP ME
The only way to confront risk is to dare yourself to do the doing or action once you hit action mode you will see it wasn’t really that hard to conversate and that changes perspective and triggers momentum and trust me when I say this, is in momentum were we all want to be in life no matter the thing or task is the momentum mode that propells you forward farewell 👍 also one more thing is momentum mode that kills any type of procrastinating,at first you will need power of will which creates habit another word for habit is a ritual or something you do over and over until that habit becomes automatic 💯
Ive learned how to talk to girls and boys now, and after a bunch of tries i realised that…. People are weord these days, they are all awkward, not all but like many of them! So i have courses that i gi everyweek and literally everysingle one of them on my classroom is awkward.. i think social media really destroyed our natural skill.