There are various parenting styles, including free-range, helicopter, snowplow, lighthouse, and attachment parenting. Each style has its unique characteristics, methods, and philosophy, reflecting our beliefs about authority and children’s needs. The four primary parenting styles in child psychology include authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved.
The Baumrind parenting styles, which are classified by different levels of demandingness and responsiveness, are considered the four main parenting styles. Authoritarian parenting involves a one-way mode of communication where strict rules are established for the child to obey. This style is similar to many anarchist conceptions of the ideal role a parent should play.
There is a disparity between parenting models of those who identify as either conservative or liberal. Permissive parenting attempts to behave nonpunitive, acceptant, and affirmative towards the child’s impulses, desires, and actions. There are four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful.
Libertarian child rearing respects and develops the individuality of the child, in contrast to standard capitalist parenting. Children with authoritarian parents tend to appear well-behaved much younger, although this may be due to pure fear. The supportive parenting style is best for children, as it is warm, loving, affectionate, and creates a supportive environment for them.
In conclusion, parenting styles have a significant impact on children’s development, self-esteem, academic success, and happiness. It is essential to consider the unique characteristics and methods of each parenting style to ensure a balanced and effective approach to parenting.
📹 Rethinking Parenting
Whether you’re a parent or not, we have a collective responsibility to the next generation to sever the chains of generational …
What is the most successful parenting style?
Diana Baumrind’s authoritative parenting style is considered the most beneficial as it balances structure and independence, allowing children to grow within reasonable boundaries and explore their abilities. Choosing the right parenting style can be a challenge for parents, whether raising alone or with a partner. Researchers have identified four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Baumrind later wrote a book on the authoritative parenting style, which she believed was the most beneficial.
The effects of parenting styles on children’s development and their manifestation in adulthood are still a subject of heavy discussion in the psychology community. However, there are generally agreed-upon consequences of each parenting style. These consequences can be difficult to measure due to their hard-to-quantify effects. In this text, we will explore the four parenting styles in more detail and discuss their potential consequences on children raised under them.
What parenting style do psychologists prefer?
Diana Baumrind’s authoritative parenting style is considered the most beneficial as it balances structure and independence, allowing children to grow within reasonable boundaries and explore their abilities. Choosing the right parenting style can be a challenge for parents, whether raising alone or with a partner. Researchers have identified four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Baumrind later wrote a book on the authoritative parenting style, which she believed was the most beneficial.
The effects of parenting styles on children’s development and their manifestation in adulthood are still a subject of heavy discussion in the psychology community. However, there are generally agreed-upon consequences of each parenting style. These consequences can be difficult to measure due to their hard-to-quantify effects. In this text, we will explore the four parenting styles in more detail and discuss their potential consequences on children raised under them.
What is the harshest parenting style?
The most authoritarian style of parenting is typified by parental intrusiveness, strict rules that are not open to negotiation, and a lack of warmth. This parenting style is associated with the intergenerational transmission of abusive behaviors, indicating that individuals who were subjected to abuse during their childhood are more prone to engage in abusive behaviors toward their own children when they become parents.
Which parenting style is considered the most damaging to child outcomes?
Neglectful parenting is considered the most damaging for a child’s development due to lack of consistency, warmth, nurturing, and support. Neglectful parenting can lead to hyper-independence as an adult. Positive parenting styles, like authoritative parenting, foster independence, social competence, and confidence in children, impacting their growth, development, and intelligence. Therefore, a child’s development is influenced by their parent’s support and consistency.
What is the most effective parenting style?
Research in the latter half of the 20th century identified four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and distant. Authoritative parenting is considered the most effective, providing children with security and support. However, incorporating permissive or authoritarian elements into a balanced approach can be beneficial for children with atypical needs.
Authoritative parenting combines warmth and accessibility with moderate discipline. Parents explain their rules and limits, and remain open to discussing fairness of consequences. Once rules and consequences are established, authoritative parents remain firm and consistent. They aim to keep children safe and teach socially appropriate behaviors without unnecessary strictness or pressure. By providing frequent explanations and realistic expectations, authoritative parents provide children with the information and space to learn independent decision-making skills.
How does authoritarian parenting affect child development?
Authoritarian parenting is characterized by aggressive behavior, social insensitivity, shyness, and difficulty making decisions. Children in this style have poor self-esteem and are likely to rebel against authority figures. They often model behavior shown by their parents, leading to a lack of independent thinking and anger management. This parenting style is low in parental responsiveness and high in parental demandingness. Authoritarian parents are critical of their children and use rules to enforce desired behavior.
However, strong punishment can lead to misbehavior, rebellion, and power struggles. Research shows that children with authoritarian parents perform worse than those with permissive parents. A better option is the authoritative parenting style, which allows children to be independent thinkers, self-regulate their emotions, and achieve success. Authoritative parents show high levels of warmth and control.
What are parenting styles in child development?
Parenting styles can be categorized into authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. Authoritarian parenting involves strict rules and strict communication, with little room for negotiation. Mistakes often lead to punishment, and children with authoritarian parents are less nurturing and have high expectations.
Children who grow up with authoritarian parents tend to be well-behaved due to the consequences of misbehavior and better adherence to instructions. However, this parenting style can result in children with higher levels of aggression, shyness, social ineptness, and difficulty making decisions. This aggression can remain uncontrolled due to lack of guidance, leading to poor self-esteem and a lack of decision-making abilities.
Strict parental rules and punishments can also encourage children to rebel against authority figures as they grow older. In summary, parenting styles can be situation-dependent and can impact a child’s morals, principles, and conduct.
What are the four 4 types of parenting styles and their effects on kids?
There are four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Each style can be used in different situations, such as when safety is at stake or when a teenager needs help. Parents should recognize their own limits and give themselves a break when they are their best self. Authoritative parenting is considered the ideal style due to its combination of warmth and flexibility, while still ensuring that the parents are in charge.
Children of authoritative parents know what is expected of them, and their parents explain reasons for the rules and consequences for breaking them. They also listen to their child’s opinions, but the parent remains the ultimate decision maker. It is essential for parents to give themselves a break and recognize their own limits when implementing these parenting styles.
What are the 3 most common parenting styles?
Parenting styles can be a challenge for parents, and a few main categories have been identified by researchers over the years. In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. A fourth style, neglectful, was added in the 1980s by Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. Baumrind later wrote an entire book on the authoritative parenting style, which she believed was the most beneficial.
The effects of parenting styles on children’s development and their manifestation in adulthood are still a subject of heavy discussion in the psychology community. However, there are generally agreed-upon consequences of each parenting style. Authoritarian parenting is the first of the four and is often described as dictatorial and overbearing. Parents respond to questions with “Because I said so!” and expect obedience without giving a reason.
Rules are strict, with no room for interpretation, compromise, or discussion. Punishments are often used to ensure obedience, and affection is given sparingly if at all. This approach can have damaging consequences for a child that can follow them into adulthood.
What is the most problematic parenting style?
Neglectful parenting often leads to children with low self-esteem, difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships, and a lack of understanding of safety and security. This lack of care and engagement can result in children struggling with self-esteem and understanding of safety and security. It is crucial for parents to love their children, care for them, and provide them with the right life lessons, regardless of their feelings of guilt or unpleasantness about their parenting style.
Why is authoritative parenting bad?
Authoritarian parenting can result in a number of adverse outcomes for children, including low self-esteem, social anxiety, and difficulties in social situations. Additionally, children who are raised in authoritarian households may display aggressive behavior outside the home, a tendency to conform to external expectations, and a proclivity for anxiety.
📹 Can Anarchy Teach Kids to Embrace Rules?
Mentor and program director Michael Ivories speaks about his best personal quality when it comes to working with kids.
Its a misconception that giving a child things they want makes them spoiled. Spoiled children are children who have learned that if they kick off, they get what they want. You don’t spoil a child when you give them ice-cream, you spoil them when you say “no icecream” then they throw a tantrum and you give them ice cream to appease them. That’s essentially rewarding the child for being horrible.
When I was younger my parents used to involve me in decisions, listen to me, give me tasks around the house, and buy me books of topics I was interested in learning. My best friend got whipped by his father instead, because he was supposedly lazy. But my father realized that my best friend was in fact, poor sighted and in need of glasses. Even after getting glasses, he still got whipped for the most absurd of reasons, like taking too much time in the restroom. When he became a teenager he started doing martial arts and eventually kicked his father out of the house.
This is one of the best introductions to parenting strategy alternatives to Western culture that I’ve seen. I have a four year old and one year old and while we practice “gentle parenting” to a degree, seeing cultural precedent definitely helps solidify what it’s supposed to look like. Also, the punishment approach being rooted in Puritanism, especially in the USA, makes a whole lot of things make sense.
As a parent of two teenagers, I agree with your message; you do need a village to raise a child. There’s no “but.” My wife and I quickly realized that threats, and intimidation often had the opposite effect, so we’ve cut it out as much as we could (hey, we’re not perfect – me in particular – and we lapsed many times) We generally spoke to our children as people, not as “things to be controlled or manipulated”. Our goal was and still is to prepare our children to become part of their future society (not ours), hopefully with the skills and abilty they need survive, thrive and/or shape their future. I won’t know for another 10 years or so, but I’m confident they will do just fine.
I am so grateful that you make articles like this. I feel very isolated from other leftists because I have a child and try to include her whenever appropriate in our lives. The narrative of “I hate kids,” is strong where I am and it’s incredibly disheartening. The idea that she’s “my kid” and therefore “my responsibility” dehumanizes her and puts the burden of parenting and all its trappings exclusively on our very tiny immediate family unit. It’s a disservice and it isn’t radical.
“when we constantly interfere with the agency of children, we undermine their confidence, problem-solving abilities and self-reliance” Unfortunately, I understand what you mean a touch too much. I was raised isolated, depressed and purposeless. My only motivation became escaping my situation. And now keeping contact with parents is difficult. Just as I think we are having a normal conversation, they start “reminding” me to go to the doctor, eat healthily, etc. These are all good suggestions in a vacuum, however always being undermined like that makes me feel untrustworthy, meek and, frankly, stupid. I feel disrespected and infantilized. That is to say, I think “rebellious” children aren’t rebels at all. They are simply human and want to avoid the shame and dehumanization of being dragged through life. They are desperate for respect, boundaries and support. And the parents that respond by trying to boss around their kids even more only make things worse: they erode their relationship with their child, while also pumping them full of shame, isolation and anxiety.
People are sometimes uncomfortable when first hearing about family abolition, but as you’ve correctly pointed out in this article, the hegemonic nuclear family structure is authoritarian, colonial, and does not provide caretakers with enough support to raise young people. When I start to get into what I mean when I talk about family abolition (which is to say the abolition of the social/political/legal status of the nuclear family and to center care and solidarity in the community instead) it’s often parents who are the most supportive of the idea!
I don’t know if this was an intended effect, but this literally restored my desire to raise children as a queer person. I’ve been so afraid of raising a child or several children because my own childhood was so traumatic. This article has not only showed me that there is an alternative to traditional US parenting, and gave me one of the best examples of something I’ve tried to imagine on my own in futility. Thank you so much. I can’t express how much this means to me.
One thing I’ll be proud of on my death bed is that my Ohio River Valley settler-descended father broke the cycle, and I kept going. Kid’s graduating college, soon, and giving space while allowing them to return if they need advice or company has some real benefits over trying to train up a kid like a soldier.
I’m traveling tomorrow with my best friend to her house to be with her and her baby for the rest of the year. I have always known I didn’t want to have children, and I have been for as long as I remember always on the side of children. But now I’m an adult and I can see the responsibility that we have with children, not only “our” children, but the children in our families and communities. I’m going as a helper because I recognize that I have a responsibility with my best friend, but also with this new born human, children need supporting adults outside of the structurally authoritarian legal role of the parents, they need to know that belonging doesn’t end with our legal guardians, there are options to be and people to trust regardless of legal status.
Do you know of Alfie Kohn? He has written many books on non-coercive, anti-authoritarian, peaceful parenting and schooling. His first book is a great condemnation of competition and what it does to the human soul. Also, parenting is what Graeber calls a self-defeating hierarchy. As are all relationships that are commonly used as examples of justified hierarchies. Doctors, teachers, parents, all aim to make you independent of themselves
Stay at home dad with a 5 and 3 year old currently. You hit me hard with this one man and I’ve been trying to implement as much of the gentle practices and child led approaches. It is difficult on your own which has been my route as my son was born just at the start of the pandemic. The focus on having a group of adults to share the load is vital and is something I’ve been working on developing myself over the past few years. Hard work for sure but absolutely rewarding seeing my children turn into thoughtful little humans.
Just excellent stuff here, thank you. I spend all day thinking about these things as I raise two kids with my partner. “What does “success” in school look like?” “What are bad words?” and just generally trying to have a collaborative approach with these kids about everything. Life is better I think when you treat kids with respect.
I love the comparisons with parenting as it looks in other cultures. As someone who definitely did not want to follow in my own parents’ methods but didn’t know what an alternative might look like, it gives some great perspectives on what it could look like when decoupled from all the individualistic, hierarchical baggage of the western world.
My nieces and nephews are all 4 y/o and under, so I’ve started using gentle/team childcare techniques on them. They respond so well to it, that their parents are like “I wish I had your patience, because then I could be that kind of parent.” They’re glad that the kids have an adult in their lives with the patience and emotional capacity that comes with not being the parent. I was raised in a large family that included many non-related “family” members who took on a childcare role. We had a team of individuals who loved us and wanted the best for us, and now I’m trying to keep that going with this next generation.
As a parent, I have a lot of anxiety (I could honestly stop typing there, but I shall continue) about what lessons and example I am setting for my children. How do I respect their autonomy and self-directed learning, while trying to encourage them to do the course work the school district requires of them, even though their neurodivergance makes such work especially difficult and I don’t believe that work is necessary? Every suggestion feels like another weight on my already wobbling plate, and another way I can fail them. I need to remind myself that my spouse and I are neurodivergent ourselves. We are disabled, overworked and burnt out. Apart from one grandparent, we have no support, as we have been socially isolated long before the pandemic. And have continued to isolate as the pandemic is still a thing. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for failing at a task that was never reasonable or possible. And yet I am.
As a teenager who still lives with my parents, these methods of breaking generational trauma with parenting really resonate with me as important to implement, and as early/consistently as possible. I feel like my parents have done the best they could have since I was born, both being rather conscious of alternative parenting, but still I find that there has been unnecessary conflict and trauma from parenting techniques that they never fully unlearned from their parents and from society at large. My parents are aware of where they feel they could have done better, and I am aware of how I can still make it difficult sometimes, but I’m wondering if there is a particular part to parenting in a decolonised way that addresses the child, who is beginning to self-actualise more and more, and particular ways to address the harm of the past and help them grow even with previous experiences making it difficult for them to see the parents’ guidance/requests as anything but more authoritarian demands.
I’m white and was taught to use corporal punishment. When I had kids, I fortunately had a wiser wife and she showed me that kids don’t to be beaten into submission. So I’ve been able to break from generations of this wrong parenting. It seems like it’d be obvious, but when you grow up being taught to treat children a certain way, you just naturally do that when you have kids of your own, without even thinking about it. New parents are already freaked out about all the new responsibilities a child comes with. So breaking from your own traditions in parenting and forging a new path is very daunting. And sometimes the grandparents can put pressure on the parents to try to get them to revert to “traditional” forms of correction. So, to you parents out there that are breaking free from these generational problems, thank you! You are building a much better world for us all!
Growing up in a vibrant muti-generational/cultural household and neighborhood did a lot to offset the trauma and anger from my more puritanical father and fundamentalist schooling. It was obvious that living in constant fear and anxiety was not normal and I later learned that it was a inherited problem going back beyond when anyone can remember. Your words have further fueled my conviction to break this senseless cycle and have inspired me to further explore these cultures/mindsets. I am grateful good sir.
This reminds me of a conversation that really impacted me a few weeks ago. I was talking with my grandmother, and reflecting on the fact that it seems like my parenting style is largely a copy of my mother’s, and hers seems to have been based on her own upbringing, which was quite gentle. I asked her if she copied her approach from her own parents and she said not really. Not that they were strict, just that the world changed a lot between when she was a girl and when she was a mother. I asked her then where she got her inspiration, and she said she just acted with the recognition that my mom and her siblings didn’t ask to be born, and so their love was something to be earned rather than expected. This struck me as remarkably forward thinking, especially for a woman born nearly a hundred years ago. It also reminded me how fortunate I was in the circumstances of my birth. Also, if anyone is curious, I’m fifth generation American, Jewish.
I’m a teacher and double parent working homes with no community are being CATASTROPHIC to this generation. Children have prepackaged cookies and chips for lunch because mom doesn’t have time to make them a sandwich. I know fourth graders who CANT TIE THEIR SHOES because it took less time for the parents to buy velcro shoes than teach them how to tie.They kids at my school don’t seem to know how to function around other children and adults who don’t just pacify them.
All of this (as well as this shift in paretnting tactics as I keep increasingly seeing on my social media feeds) is so much what I’ve always felt. I don’t realy have the desire to have children of my own (though adoption is very much on the table), but I aim to be an alloparent whenever I can. Children are wonderful people and they deserve respect and care.
There’s a difference between a hierarchy based on skill and one based on authority. Parents are more skilled at life, and can deal with more problems. That doesn’t necessarily enforce a power disparity. A parent child relationship is more like a mentor student relationship. The point isn’t to keep the mentor status forever. It isn’t too oppress the other. It is to lift up. And that hierarchy is limited in nature. It doesn’t expand to being the answer to every situation.
As a teacher and a new parent, thanks for putting this article together. It’s put words to a lot of things I’ve felt and seen at work and home. I get a lot of confusion from colleagues when I approach teaching using I guess would be closest to gentle parenting, I’ve been called too soft or a push over. I’ve always said that “kids don’t do what you say, they do what you do”, so if I want kids to listen and show respect, I have to do the same, if I don’t want kids to shout and scream in anger, I can’t shout at the kids in my class. If I want them to be quiet, patient, respectful and kind, I have to show them what that looks like first, in the same way were expected to demonstrate reading and writing.
This is the first time I am hearing from (supposedly) another anarchistic parent, who is trying their best to find a way between community, autonomy und looking what works best for them as an individual. I would love to have a group with parents who think like that. Our way to give our child this feeling is also living with three friends of ours, so we are 5 adults and a child in one household. We cook, eat, garden and clean togeher and whenever i tell other parents about this, they are fascinated. Something about raising a child in a group just feels right.
My partner and I are helping my grandmother raise my little brother, we have split custody and he goes between us every other week. I talk about this a lot with my therapist, and I’m constantly doing work to make sure I’m able to show up the best I can for my brother. My therapist recently recommended Parenting From the Inside Out and it’s a great book, highly highly suggest a read
I went to a Montessori School for Pre-K and it’s definitely been an integral part of my creative and curious development especially as an autistic person. which is kind of nuts since it was just one year. I really wish I could have continued with the school because I was immediately more alienated in the traditional public school structure. My teachers were baffled just because I asked questions about why we did certain things and it got shrugged off by my parents as me learning defiant behaviors from my older brother or something. School only got worse as kids learn to bully then prey on me as someone who was already ostracized. and teachers in the broader school structure are only going to reinforce those authoritarian tendencies from other kids.
I don’t have any children and never even really liked them all that much, and this was still an amazing article. The variety of approaches mentioned, the over arching goal, the community building, and the ease with which you explain such complex topics made this a pleasure to watch. I’m not sure it made me want to have children around me any more than I did before perusal it, but it definitely gave me a lot to think about when I do deal with children. Thank you.
I am thrilled that gentle parenting has become ‘a thing.’ Parenting using different rules has been a constant battle against grandparents, in-laws, and even my ex. (Hence the ‘ex’ part.) It gives me hope that there’s a new name for this style of parenting and it’s slowly slowly slowly becoming accepted. Community is such a key part to good parenting and the more we spread this information, the larger we can grow our communities.
Its hard to teach kids that heirarchies are fake because sometimes you have to get a little authoritarian. It helps when they know your motivations and goals. It helps to pick your battles very selectively and only make a hard rule or promise when you can absolutely follow through. Kids dont really need to learn obedience or heirarchy. First 6 years are very important. If you can keep them close to a main caregiver and involved throughout that time, they will have the confidence to think clearly later. If you can’t make close time with them a constant priority in their first 6 years, the damage will be worse than the damage of poverty,divorce,or iffy nutrition. Too many parents both work full time because they’re afraid poverty makes them bad parents.
I really appreciate this article, often in our Leftist spaces we hardly talk about kids or still harbor negative feelings towards them. It’s lovely to see how parenting in this way (or even being in community with them) can help change our apathy towards kids. If I may, & I will say I am a thin person, but from following & listening to fat activists, I don’t think obesity is a thing. That’s from the BMI, correct? I understand some people can be disabled by their bodies, but that’s true of any other condition or accident. And even then, disability is only a “tragedy” if we don’t center disabled people 🌸
2:40 long before I became a parent I’d heard the phrase “schoolhouse to jailhouse pipeline” and I was sickened but not surprised by its practice and ramifications. My justification was that my son needed to behave in school in a way that would minimize his encounters with the penal system and police, thereby diverting him from the pipeline and avoiding modern lynchings. I’m realizing I expected a 3rd grade school child to regulate his emotional behavior in accordance with the understanding that he might be disciplined more severely than his white classmates even though they were academic peers and friends. That’s an incredibly heavy and adult burden to place upon a child. Thank you for making me realize I want to apologize to my soon-to-be twenty-year-old.
very, very good article. i have worked with many children in different jobs and arrangements in the past and love to see you talking to your audience about such an important issue, while communicating many points i consider crucial for a healthy childhood. some small notes though (sry for my english): 1. montessori. i love the idea and many aspects of the concept, in reality it sadly is only open to privileged parents/children (as u already said), them growing up among each other can (!) stand in the way of learning to take different perspectives. also, there is quite an esoteric part to the ideology (montessori teachers talking to angels,…). AND reports of violent teachers are often being kept undercthe radar for years, it is a very intransparent network of power, that often indirectly supports the violent ones. that last part i only know about in germany wgere i live. i dont want to discredit a big part of the ideas and the teachers, but this should be mentioned. 2. taking it too far. i dont want to say, we can take respect, understanding and validating emotions too far, but i met enough parents that wanted to give their children the childhood they never had and then went to far in the right direction. for example, most children have wayyyy go many toys, especially in the Western world (which gets in the way of developing creativity, focus and the ability to listen to oneself. also, quite obviously, it reproduces a capitalistic, materialistic worldview). also they allow their children to much. some behaviour is harmful to the child itself, or others (maybe only in a broader sense, which the child cant understand). of course, u should not punish this behaviour, I would not even call it “bad”, but only “inappropriate”. but u can teach ur cbildren that through communication and being a role model. communicating boundaries from an early age in an empathic way, teaches children to listen to their own boundaries, as well as to the ones of others. I also met too many parents, that gave their children “all the help”, but u asically talked about that under the key word autonomy. children need to have the feeling, that they CAN come to their caregivers for help, so they can try ro solve problems themselves first, bc they know, if really necessary, they can later ask for help if it did not work. so u should show children, they will get help if they ask for it, but not always give it to them just bc u would like to see them succeed (my mom did this and it left me with crippling anxiety, that I wont be able to succeed an my own) 3. an partly unfair world. just as u should not tell kids the world is inherently cruel, u should also not be silent about problems in it. people outside of your bubble wont communicate in a healthy way, ur kid will be bullied, maybe discriminated or “just” not be understood. it is important, to listen when kids talk about these experiences, to validate their feelings and then guide them, to find tools to deal with this. If ur child feels it can always talk to you, yoi wont need to initiate this (in most cases). children see so much more, then we give them credit for and are naturally driven by curiosity. 4. the perfect parent perfect is a construct, not just unrealistic, but also harmful. raising children is extremely stressful and you have forgive urself, if u sometimes act in ways, in generally know to be “wrong”. dont think of urself as a “good” or “bad” parent, u r u. important is not a perfect parenthood with no drama and anger, but to excuse to your children afterwards, to tell them that you still love them and, of they get a little older, why u reacted in a certain way. that way, they can learn to accept their own imperfections and how to smooth out wrinkles afterwards. key here is respect, u and ur child (and everyone else involved) deserves the same amount of respect, though they probably got different nee also, it is okay to admit, that parenting is hard. you, as a parent, need a safe place to talk about the difficulties of childrearing, to gain new energy and process the negative emotions, that will inevitably arise, bc of stress or generational trauma or other triggers. your child needs a aupport system and so do you. it doesnt make u weak, it makes u human. u could read my last 2 points as explanation or excuse for not changing the societal “normal” standards in childrearing, of course that is not what I meant. Again, very good article, I also gained some perspectives and ideas, which were not on my radar. thank u for ur content <3
First off, thank you so much for this article and for the others you’ve made involving parenting in an anarchist space! I love learning about this topic to inform my own parenting. Parenting with love and respect often feels somewhat futile in this current capitalistic, authoritarian landscape. Especially when the immediate community (family, in this case) have… “other” ideas about what parenting looks like. One of the more surprising experiences is finding myself cringing when one of my parents talks with my kid in the way they spoke to me – demanding that my child behave a certain way (usually quieter, physically and emotionally) in order to be given the respect of a conversation. This typically results in me removing my kid and having a conversation about treating them with respect! But whether that is truly heard or not can’t be controlled or expected. But another eye-opening experience of being a parent is making a mistake – worse yet, repeating one in the cycle of parenting everyone in my recent lineage received. That feeling of “oh my god, I’m doing it to them too. They must feel that same shitty feeling I felt. And I caused it.” I remind myself that I will never be perfect, and that I won’t always do well, and that my kid will be okay. Until caring for my baby, I never understood how all-encompassing the responsibility would be. How earth-shattering the guilt can feel. How happy and proud I could feel at their progress into personhood. How you can mourn what was done to you, and to your parents, and to theirs, that led you all to this moment.
Omg TEAM parenting speaks to me deeply. I was raised by not very authoritarian and punitive, but overprotective and controlling parents who did everything for me, sometimes even my homework, and here I was as a teenager and young adult struggling to understand why I am always procrastinating, have no self-efficacy and I’m always waiting for others to do things for me or help me. And it’s not like this parenting method was even benefitting them, as they were doing the chores for both themselves as well as most of mine.
Doesnt have to much to do with this article, but i just wanted to say on the most recent one, how greatful i am that i found your website. I feel like i’ve been looking for this kind of content since i discovered anarchism, and i wish i tried to reach out and discover it sooner. It all started with a deep dive into guerrilla gardening, which i will be taking up in a new city, as well as volunteering at a non profit farm to feed the hungry in the city and surrounding area. The goal is to someday host a perma blitz, and to advocate for and participate in direct action. I will be building on my knowledge practically, as well as perusal your articles and recommending your website to as many people as i can 🙌🙌 thank you so much for making these, please keep it up 🙏🙏🙏💙💙
Absolutely fell in love with your website back when I watched the climate change article. Thank you for not only critiquing structures but providing alternatives that one can actually realistically sork towards. This article is partivular happens to hit my interests, haha, i love learning about teaching and parenting methods and childhood development.
Very important topic, also super frustrating. I’m no parent myself but been involved in the raising of my younger brothers and sisters, I live at constant anger at the school system which uses the threat of expulsion and failing grades, and the disruption that such things bring to the dynamics of small families, to blackmail parents into using violent shortcuts to change the children’s behavior, there is also the widespread fearmongering telling parents to not let kids go outside the house and, most frustrating to me and my relatives that eventually became adults too, the individualized legal, economic and cultural expectations that give parents an exclusivity status that can become anything between a nuisance and a serious source of intrafamiliar tension when there are disagreements on how children should be treated. By the way, my parents attempted to push into me the teachings of being “acomedido” and god I used to hate that concept soo much. All i saw was how such attitude serves to hide hierarchical inequalities, and it’s taxing when you happen to be bad at reading the room. But the issue of course is hierarchy and not to be acomedido, sadly I overreacted to this in my youth and now I have to actively fight my reflexes and biases to be helpful (uncomfortable laugh).
You mentioned that autonomous children are “Responsible to their community” instead of being manipulated by rewards and punishement. What does that responsability mean? Is it mere social pressure that keeps them in line? I actually have some thoughts on this of my own but I want to know what exactly you havd in mind for this process?
Great as always, bizarrely I was suggested an anti crony capitalism article from a website called For Christian Good Intellectuals or something to that effect and it was a heinous piece of misinformation poorly sourced and researched so if you want to feel like the ubermench of youtube or just to confirm you are doing great honest and transformative work take a look. I’m not saying start youtube beef but I feel like the pair of hosts could be saved given the right influence. Well done again! Thank you for showing me some light in this dark world. Much love and solidarity!
Great article thank you! I would just like to add that “obesity” is a slur and not an ill (follow or read for instance Da’Shaun Harrison’s work like “Belly of the Beast-The Politics of Anti-Fatness as Anti-Blackness), and I would also recommend reading up on adult supremacy (for instance the book “Trust Kids-Stories on Youth Autonomy and Confronting Adult Supremacy” edited by carla bergman)
The problem with this line of thinking is that reinforce a very powerful system of opression on which the guilty falls exclusively on parents. Consider that our modern society have many ways to keep parents in a very undignified life, on which they are forced to raise children on the worst conditions possible, even if it means the death of said children and other abuses. I am a father fighting a very opressive family, working with people ready to kill for a little promotion and receiving no single help. No single person. Every thing me and my wife provide to our children is straight out of a constant fight to keep them happy and alive. If we just let our guard fall one single time, and we did once, we risk them dying, which almost happened. I figured we are not the only people around here living like that. So, way before telling what parents should do, we need to think what our society should do to, at least, not attack these parents and their children.
As someone who started working at a Montessori 🤌 this year after years in traditional public schools, I only hope that more districts adopt public Montessoris 🤌 to make it more accessible. The only thing I dislike about my job is that it is at a private school. Especially disappointing considering Maria Montessori 🤌 originally used the method with poor/disabled children.
2:40 As an autistic person, something this observation reminded me of is that many practitioners and supporters of ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis, which is essentially conversion therapy for autistic people) will argue that it’s necessary and even good on the basis that it minimizes the risk of black and brown autistic people being subjected to police violence.
Our very language betrays how only this family relationship is one of imposition “parenting” we don’t have “boyfriending” or “siblinging” articles giving us all the latest tips and strategies on the best most peaceful methods to impose our will and achieve compliance with those people even though we do find ourselves in situations (safety ones too) in which it is important because we only see the youth in the world as sub-human, something in “training” in spite of the fact everyone is in training and most look at their 20’s as a time they knew nothing compared to later. People are routinely awful to those younger than this and use this as the excuse, that anything done to them perceived as harmful, cruel or if it breaks the moral “golden rule” is seen as justified as long as it doesn’t hurt the “adult” in the future, aka when they’re seen as human, something with inherent value. I resent the idea of “parenting styles” for the same reason I would resent “sistering styles” where everyone debates how we should treat our sister’s, it’s bizarre, I’d much rather humanise humans and simply follow the moral golden rule in all things “treat other’s how you like to be treated” and make that my “style” in all my relationships, why should my children be exempt from that? if they’re the most important people in my life then they’re the ones it’s most important to follow the golden rule with not the least, as it stands now we act as if children are the only group it’s not only not important to follow this rule with but often see it as important to actively go out of your way to break it.
I recently was having dinner with some friends, including a guy from Denmark. It was late at night so we were bouncing around between random fairly heavy and profound things. Somehow we got on the subject of ‘tough love’ and hitting kids as a form of discipline. I grew up in the American South and explained to the (non-Americans) what “getting a switch” meant. (To retrieve a whip-like stick from outside for your parent to beat you with.) I clarified that I only ever was spanked by my parents and that kids got paddled at my school. The Danish guy said “I can’t imagine my mom hitting me…” I was like, “Oh, it was only ever my dad that spanked me.” And he said that is even worse, conceptually. While I have no intentions of ever having my own children, I know for sure that I would never use violence as a form of discipline if I found myself in that role.
I’m not really a fan of montessori style teaching, I do like that children are free to pick up any activity they want, but there is a lot on focus on doing things the proper way, and less room for creativity. It also focuses more on intellectual development, and very little on emotional and social development (most activities being solo, or in a group but without much interraction)
in the west we fear hell, so purgatory is the best we can ask for on earth until we pass, only then will heaven be available. its dangerous, its traumatic. we think the absence of pain and suffering is all we need when we know nothing of prospering and flowering. policing is the same pain some would put on a child, rehabilitation is sooner seen as a way to make the pained equate to the traumatized instead of healing all in a traumatized society, as if we wished the victims of systemic causes to be beat instead of brought higher or absolved. the west, right wing, religious zealots, they wants revenge for sin, humans want the healing of pain.
So just free-range children? Not that I don’t see why you desire the extra activism, but that simply isn’t necessary. A parent-child relationship will always be hierarchical, and this isn’t inherently bad, despite your claims. It isn’t as simple as a power dynamic, it is also knowledge/wisdom disparity. The child will not feed themselves or make consistently sound decisions. To this end, the parents are the child’s superiors until they become one as well.
Speaking for myself, I might actually have been amenable to the idea of biological children if I’d been raised with “team parenting” models and without the extreme neoliberal individualism of the 90s in North America, where most of the emotional labour and very hard physical work is downloaded onto the single (most often AFAB) individual. As early as my early teens, though, I looked around and saw that the choice to be a mother was in almost every way equal to choosing to live in indentured servitude. It might pay off with a great family! But I’m also all too aware (especially post-COVID lockdowns and Trump era) that there’s a lot of families that just don’t speak to each other unless they have to. Too many elderly dumped into nursing homes and left there by the precious children they devoted the best years of their lives to (allegedly). Anyway, thought-provoking article as always, Andrew!
I’m writing a book about a utopia. I created a parenting system where kids are part of a classroom, where their decisions influence what their teachers instruct them. Where parenting is an open ended thing, both from their biological parents and people from their space utopia community. It’s great to see that there are real world models I can use for inspiration
Are you familiar with the Waldorf teaching method and school system? If so, what are your thoughts on it? I found it interesting that you discussed Montessori in depth, but didn’t mention Waldorf, which it’s often compared with in Europe and North America. Tl;dr Waldorf and Montessori are complimentary/ equal & opposite in some regards. I’m a Waldorf kid and I think I turned out ok 🙂 I believe there are also some Waldorf schools in South America as well, but I’m not aware of Waldorf schools in Africa or Asia (thought I haven’t checked). I’m not sure if that’s just because awareness of it is low outside of eastern Europe and the imperial core/western world, or if people outside that bubble are aware of it, but for whatever reason it’s not as good of a fit for other cultures. In my personal experience, I’d say that my Waldorf education probably helped me develop as a decently well-rounded individual, didn’t write me off as a troubled/challenged kid like I was during my short stint in the public school system here. A lot of it probably came down to the patience, respect, and hard work put in by my wonderful teachers there, but most of them ended up in that school system because they believed in or at least supported that teaching/life philosophy, so it’s not coincidence and it there’s definitely at least some benefits to that method. One thing I can definitely say at least about my personal experience with Waldorf is that I wasn’t traumatized by the teaching method or teachers there (most of the trauma happened later in life in the work environments :/ ).
In ed circles, there’s increasing attention given to the field of “child studies” which, like gender studies, queer studies, disability studies, African American studies, etc. asks the question “How is this cultural category (child) socially constructed, and what happens when we center the humanity, voices, and lived experiences of folks marginalized by that category system?” What happens when we look at children as a marginalized and oppressed category of human who is subject to abuse, misrepresented in visual culture through gross stereotype, and excluded from community decision making? What happens when we stop looking at them as proto-humans or pseudo-humans?
Schools where I live are firing teachers for implementing more progressive methods, for immorality (teaching sexual identity to 7-8 year olds), for being open about their own values, for letting 17 year olds make political statements in art class, and more practices that try to move past the traditional, old and outdated education model. I’m training to be an elementary school teacher and I’m already fearing repercussions for treating kids gently or not “disciplining” them.
Like in a lot of your articles, I think there’s an overemphasis on only the positives of one example and only the negatives of another. Presenting a picture as if western parents never give their children autonomy and the families of the many cultures you mentioned never instill discipline nor respect for the authority of family elders in their children. When obviously neither is true. I do think there’s a difference between discipline and abuse, and discipline plays a role in not only keeping children safe but even teaching self-sufficiency. That’s an idea that predates both western “puritan” culture and capitalism and extends well outside of it throughout the world. I respect parents who take it on themselves to engage in intentional parenting, but it would be absurd to expect all parents to do that. We live in a world where parents are forced to “take the shortcuts” between parenting and maintaining a roof over their heads. I think it’s important to be empathetic of that before we start moralizing to them. Though I do agree with you on most of your points. The bankruptcy of the nuclear family unit, the standards for what makes a “spoiled child” are garbage victorian anti-social nonsense that promotes neglect and abuse, that corporal punishment is abuse, that children in our present society are riddled with anxiety and unable to make decisions for themselves because all they know how to do is shut up and follow orders, the need for a more collective effort in parenting and instilling cooperative values in children, and that children should not be the property of their parents in a rigid master-servant relationship.
ANDREWISM HII One thing I’d love (a request of sorts) is a article exploring the place of artists in solarpunk societies. A way too long comment for context: Not solarpunk art, but really what the place of the artist is and how artists can envision themselves in a solarpunk society. You’ve explored it beautifully in articles I’ve seen, however addressing a article to artists would not only be something people would 100% watch – since so many people engaging with the movement are artists – but would also create a specific place for artists looking for concrete advice. Additionally might allow ppl that create solarpunk art to not only envision a future but to begin practicing in the now. There are so many artists looking to expand their concept of how they can work in the present, that are dealing with climate guilt and anxieties about the way they work but just don’t know how to transition or explore alternatives. I think especially potent would be exploring the place of digital media and artists that create electronic works like sound or interactive installations, (for reference, I’m in montreal and I’m looking at organizations such as idmaa.org/) So many frameworks for us to find work relies on engaging with industry and these huge capitalist structures. I’d love to work in Indie Games and Music Production, but I also want to help the world not die. (lol) do these desires have to be at odds with each other? And if so is there some harm reduction approach? The library economy feels like a central element to this… Going to keep perusal and taking notes. The article on “Why imagination is vital” was an amazing starting point for me!! but I’m GREEDy I need more mwahaha Just wanna say, your vids are absolutely mind blowing, finding ways to take the conceptual and make it concrete for those like me who know next to nothing on real practices. it’s become a space for me to educate myself and am truly loving this journey that I get to embark on with others. YOU’RE AMAZING, we appreciate you so gd much <3 <3 <3
Be careful of promoting Montesorri method as these kids are pushed to do learn chores from 2 years (why can’t kids be kids…they can learn chores from 8 or 9 rather) but also Montesorri also doesn’t allow imagination or books on Make believe. No dragons, no talking animals, no magic. They believe its a gateway drug to drug. As a teacher this article is great but very basic. You’ve only looked at what’s popular rather than what these different methods entail. Corporal punishment is horrific but the opposite isn’t Montesorri and making child be adults and learn 10 year old mathematics at 3 years old and letting kids decide of they want to learn to read and write at all of 6 years old. There is a middle ground where children thrive on structure and boundaries while being children and unharmed within those boundaries.
I have 2 kids and even before becoming a communist, I was never interested in the way we patented. As a result, I refuse to have my kids afraid of me. I try not to hit them (though I have done it) and I try to treat them as though they are my equal, the best I can. I see myself more as a guide than a master of my children. But it’s absolutely necessary to give parents more free time to be with their kids to change the way we parent. I can’t be a gentle parent if I’m stressed from work.
How does this work In a COuntry like trinidad TODAY, 29 year old Just made a Child, Have to Rely on the parenting of the COMMUNITY a OLD genoration who believe in NONE of this & strickly AGAINTS this form of parenting, “Casue T&T only went bad when we Stop beat children in schools BLA BLA BLA”, the Support community uncle aunts Grnds Everyone who you have to rely on Does no support this type parenting, & themself are uncouncious of their behaviour WHERE DOES IT START ? do we now form CULT communies to raise kids, Noone hold up a mirror to their parents parenting Before they hand their child to their parent, so the generational poison continues from grand genoration to the child or the new parent completly Leave the FAMILY not wanting this to continue & lose the community support,
I’m unsure whether rewarding and/or punishing is wrong, but I certainly believe, that the behavior of children should not be left to their own, but be guided by the parent. Letting children act the exact way they naturally want to comes down to the mentioned nature fallacy. If children like to run around and across roads, they will get hit by a car. If they like to eat the food of the other children, well, they still shouldn’t. It’s the responsibility of the parent to teach these boundaries to preserve the physical and mental health of both their children and other participants of society. Maybe punishment is not the best way to teach these, but making the kids understand these boundaries through stories, sitting down teaching them with care and attention, and by showing our appreciation of their proper behavior – nevertheless, I don’t like the modern “the kid knows best” perspective.
This is so… “White”, for a lack of a better word. It’s such a western approach to parenting. If you live in developing countries like India with parents struggling very hard to provide for their children and where the emphasis on family and parental respect is the highest and almost religious, these kinds of topics are very controversial and even a bit ridiculous. Especially so because India has no shortage of horrible children who emotionally and physically manipulate and abuse their parents, just as much as abusive parents. A neighbor of mine once forced his mother to sleep under their porch in the rain, where she died eventually. Normally I wouldn’t use strawman arguments, but India actually has a severe problem with abusive children and it’s extremely common, particularly in joint families. And the politics, backstabbing, abuse and manipulation in joint families?? It makes nuclear families seem tame. I’m not an advocate for nuclear families though, nor am I defending horrible parenting – I’m just giving an insight into the complicated topic of parenting and family systems because most of these topics on social media seem to cover only Western parenting issues on a simple and surface level while us non-Western folks have a very complex, bittersweet relationship with our parents fueled by guilt, poverty, regular domestic abuse (especially if you’re a woman, but of course, men as well) and little to no… joy… with parents. Parents seem to love us out of duty and because they don’t know what else to do, and that’s painful.
Well, this sounds like a good place for a light bit of trauma dumping as I am still trapped under an abusive parent at nearly 28 where I get constantly yelled at for not being able to take care of myself (IE make money) while having any chance of bettering myself stripped away because she doesn’t trust me with the basic adult tasks – like always being brutally screamed at for not wanting to drive, but once I finally tried to swallow my fear and start doing so was held back from learning to become comfortable with it over the paranoia of crashing. Not mention how I’m just effectively a slave to said parent as I’m expected to be ready to make any service call she makes from across the house like any drink request or bringing her a bag of chips from the pantry even if she’s closer to it and I will be scolded, if not threatened if I hadn’t heard her for any reason and ‘made’ her shout. So, yeah, I’ve thought a lot about why abusive parents are the way they are over the past few years as well as why my every attempt to escape it fails before I can even make a step towards them and the answer I come to for both time and time again is capitalist isolation to control the working class and keep the ‘undesirables’ out of society and the imperialist self-destruction of white culture and community to give a false sense of superiority to those white people who can afford superficial replacements. Because it’s not really the abuse that keeps me trapped day in and out in this lonely house – it’s living in the car-centric suburban area where, if you don’t own and/or can drive, you’re just stuck where you are.
I wholeheartedly agree with the notion that it takes a village to raise a child, just not to the point where children are no longer the “property” of their parents. I hate that word property because the fact is that someone has to be responsible for raising a child whether it is the parents or the community or the state. And who better to do that than the people who they are related to, the parents who are in love with their children because of a byproduct of the love the parents have for each other. With that much potential emotional investment, we should never ever rip children away from their parents, except in cases of abuse and neglect. They should be allowed to raise their children the way they see fit according to their own personal beliefs. If we try to control people like this then it will just give too much power to the state and induce a suffocating state of conformity. In terms of actually raising children, you do need to show them that their actions have consequences. If you let children get away with something then they will just do it again. Their own selfishness and stupidity has to be disciplined out of them. That’s what that Bible verse is talking about. But obviously evil people have taken that verse out of context and used it as an excuse to be a tyrant to their children, starving them of love, inspiration and encouragement in favour of holding them to impossibly high standards all the time. Like, the Bible also says not to provoke your children to anger (Ephesians 6:4), which is the context a lot of these people cherry pick out of their worldviews.