Positive parenting is a set of parental behaviors that support a child’s capacity to love, trust, explore, and learn. It involves respecting a child’s autonomy and independence, allowing them to make choices and mistakes, and monitoring their internet usage, music content, and friends to prevent poor behavior.
Positive parenting is supported by empirical evidence and promotes children’s self-esteem, emotional expression, self-efficacy, sense of belonging, and social skills. Consistent, empathetic, empowering, nurturing, and guiding, positive parenting can be established through clear guidelines and expectations for children.
One of the best results of positive parenting choices is that a child with dependable parents has trouble being on time. However, this statement is not the best result of positive parenting choices. Instead, it is the statement that a child with an enforced bedtime is ready to learn in school.
Positive parenting choices involve creating a supportive, nurturing, and loving environment for children. These choices help promote open and effective communication within the family, leading to healthier relationships and overall well-being.
In conclusion, positive parenting is a set of parental behaviors that support a child’s capacity to love, trust, explore, and learn. By incorporating these elements into everyday life, parents can create a supportive, nurturing, and loving environment for their children, leading to better academic performance and a more adaptable child.
📹 How to make hard choices | Ruth Chang
Here’s a talk that could literally change your life. Which career should I pursue? Should I break up — or get married?! Where …
What is positive parenting?
Positive parenting is the continuous relationship between a parent and a child, involving caring, teaching, leading, communicating, and providing for their needs consistently and unconditionally. With 89. 6 of the adult population worldwide becoming parents, many may find themselves confused and frustrated by the endless challenges of parenthood, which are evident across all developmental stages, including toddlers and teenagers.
What are the 5 positive parenting?
Being a parent presents challenges and challenges, including the pandemic and political climate. To maintain a positive parenting environment, it is essential to practice positive skills such as encouraging, being responsive, setting an example, setting boundaries, and being interactive. These skills can be applied to both baby and toddler children, as well as older kids. The five positive parenting skills include praise, reflection, imitation, description, and enjoyment, which can help create a pride-like environment in the household.
What is the most positive parenting style?
Parenting styles play a crucial role in child development, with authoritative parenting styles associated with positive developmental outcomes such as psychosocial competence and academic achievement. However, the psychological control dimension has been overlooked in existing studies. A study using data from 600 Flemish families raised an 8-to-10-year-old child identified naturally occurring joint parenting styles.
A cluster analysis based on two parenting dimensions (parental support and behavioral control) revealed four congruent parenting styles: authoritative, positive authoritative, authoritarian, and uninvolved.
A subsequent cluster analysis comprising three parenting dimensions (parental support, behavioral, and psychological control) yielded similar cluster profiles for the congruent (positive) authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles, while the fourth parenting style was relabeled as a congruent intrusive parenting style. ANOVAs demonstrated that having authoritative parents associated with the most favorable outcomes, while having authoritarian parents coincided with the least favorable outcomes.
Although less pronounced than for the authoritarian style, having intrusive parents also associated with poorer child outcomes. Accounting for parental psychological control did not yield additional parenting styles but enhanced our understanding of the pattern among the three parenting dimensions within each parenting style and their association with child outcomes. More similarities than dissimilarities in parenting of both parents emerged, although adding psychological control slightly enlarged the differences between the scores of mothers and fathers.
What are the results of positive parenting?
Positive parenting is a proven strategy that enhances children’s academic performance, reduces behavioral issues, and promotes better mental health. It involves using parenting skills in a way that feels right for the family, encouraging personal values and behaviors, and giving praise for personal efforts. It is essential to show love to oneself and your child, as it is crucial in fostering a healthy relationship. For more parenting resources, visit First5LA. org.
What is positive statement in parenting?
Parents can play a crucial role in their children’s development by providing them with positive affirmations. These affirmations can be repeated to themselves, such as “I love you so much” or “Your smile makes me happy”. While it’s important to point out areas for improvement, framing negative statements with positives can help motivate the child to change their behavior. For example, a parent might say, “You made a mess with your toys but I know you can pick them up before Grandma comes for dinner”. This approach can help children develop positive self-talk and self-awareness.
What are the results of good parenting?
Good parenting is crucial for a child’s holistic development, as it shapes their personality and minimizes the risk of undesirable behavior and related disorders. It involves building healthy habits, fostering cultural tolerance, promoting emotional regulation, fostering happiness and self-esteem, and reducing the chances of negative behavior. Good parenting plays a vital role in shaping a child’s personality and reducing the chances of undesirable behavior and related disorders. Understanding the positive effects of good parenting is essential for parents to be the best for their children.
Which statement best describes how positive parenting choices?
The selection of positive parenting strategies has a considerable impact on the dynamics of the family unit, particularly in terms of fostering healthy communication.
Which statement best describes a result of positive parenting choices a child with dependable parents has trouble being on time?
The objective of positive parenting is to foster a child’s positive behavior while discouraging negative behavior. Additionally, it aims to ensure that children are adequately prepared for school and are not unduly influenced by rigid bedtime routines. The ultimate goal is to equip children with the necessary skills and attributes to succeed in their academic and future endeavors.
What is a positive statement example?
The veracity of a positive statement can be evaluated by examining its consistency with factual evidence. For instance, the assertion that higher interest rates reduce house prices can be tested, modified, or rejected based on its alignment with economic reality. In contrast, normative statements are subjective opinions that cannot be empirically verified. An example of this would be the assertion that the government should increase the minimum wage. Both types of statements can be useful in understanding and interpreting various situations.
What are the results of parenting styles?
Parenting styles significantly impact children’s academic achievement, mental health, self-esteem, social relationships, and adult relationships. Children raised by authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved parents tend to experience more anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. They also have stronger self-esteem. Social relationships can be influenced by parenting styles, with permissive children more likely to be bullied, while authoritarian children are more likely to bully others.
Adult relationships may also be affected by authoritative parenting. The unique blend of parenting styles in each family can sometimes lead to mixed signals, so parents must learn to cooperate and combine their unique styles to create a cohesive approach.
Which parenting style shows the most positive long term results for children?
Research indicates that authoritative parenting style is the most effective for children, characterized by warmth and reasonable limits. These parents encourage their children to meet these expectations, but also aim to teach them the reasons behind rules. This approach is particularly effective in teaching children about setting boundaries around technology and developing digital citizenship skills. Children of authoritative parents learn the principles of online safety and the whys behind each rule, enabling them to apply them in future situations.
📹 Wonder – Two Things About Yourself Scene (2/9) | Movieclips
FILM DESCRIPTION: Born with facial differences that, up until now, have prevented him from going to a mainstream school, …
I didn’t really fully grasp this until perusal the second time around. The first time I didn’t find it very helpful. In reality it’s quite profound. Let go of the pro-con list and the endless comparison and analysis of every feature. Let go of fear and of taking the safer, easier route. Decide who you want to be and what you want to live for, and then choose whatever will get you closer to that. And celebrate hard choices as opportunities to define yourself and your life.
This talk can be truely life changing. I now realize.why I find it so hard to choose between two option. Because i dont know how each will turn out. And fear blinds me. By making all choices equally good, I can realize what my heart really wants. And then I can create reasons to support that decision, and working on create the path, making the choice turn out to be right. No more cofusion. Thank you.
I come here and watch this article every time I am faced with a decision that could affect the course of my life. And each time I remind myself to be true to myself and the person that I am (or that I choose to be). I firmly believe that the way we choose to approach what we live really does make a difference. I am eternally grateful to have seen this article by chance all those years ago and to be able to see it again today. I would like to wish the best of luck to all those who find themselves in the position of having to make a “difficult choice”. I hope you always have the strength and courage to choose what is true for yourself.
I loved the fact she mentioned how we have started evaluating life decisions according to scientific thinking. That’s a real eye-opener. Decisions of life are not like length or mass that are measurable as less, more or equal. We may equate it with money but still the choices are still abstract, that’s why they’re hard. Simply put, hard choices are meant for you to choose what kind of life you want to “create”
My best interpretation of the talk: You have to decide what values are more important for you, what you are going to value. You create value in the process of making such choices. Think of a baby/kid that makes certain choices about hobbies, food. He/she creates reasons in the process of making a choice. We will not tell our kid that he/she should do the hobby/study that best fits his/her values, we will motivate him/her to make a choice and see that choice as a step in becoming a person. Same for adults. So it’s not so much about discovering reasons/which are the best reasons but rather creating reasons. in making a choice, you rather create reasons (or value) than passively discover and follow existing reasons (related to values). When reason tells you that both options are equally valuable, accept that both options are fine, use your intuition or feeling to decide which is really ok (or flip a coin if you want, whatever you want), and stop thinking about discovering reasons but focus on valuing/being attached to your choice. does this make sense?
One of the best little TED Talks in existence. A hard choice doesn’t have to be a BIG choice. Once we learn to handle the small hard choices, the big choices seem less intractable. Hard choices aren’t hard because we are stupid, they are hard because we pay a lot of attention to the voice in our heads that tell us what we SHOULD choose. Fear of the unknown pushes us to choose what we believe is the less risky option – usually not the best choice, in the end. We assume that values are the same as scientific measurements (x is better, worse or equal to Y), they aren’t. So we have to create reasons to choose one or the other based on a range of values. Don’t let the world decide for you, reflect on what you can put your agency behind. Hard choices make us fundamentally who we are. Here’s where I stand, “I commit to chocolate donuts!”
Love the talk, years later for a re-watch. I agree, either unknowingly or instinctively I made choices that aligned with my values. I write down my values and review them to see if my path is still true. Extrinsic vs intrinsic rewards can cloud the way but I realized I am most content when I choose which best aligns with my values. Years ago, with math and economics degree I had the opportunity to work on Wall Street, but I chose computer technology b/c that was my hobby as a kid. So, I chose to work at cancer hospital in technology. While I realized either choice would not necessarily be a wrong one I found my choice to be aligned best with who I am. I wish everyone much love and to enjoy your short visit in this life.
This talk struck a chord with me. I also “drifted” into becoming into a law student; and when people asked me why I became a lawyer, I told them I was the “least uncertain” about my career path. Seeing things from the perspective of the talk gave me some insight as to how I implicitly chose the person I wanted to become. Thanks Ted!
I always regard hard choices as chances,chances of getting to know yourself better.I first rejected my mon’s will of me becoming a teacher,then I accepted it eventually.But there came the crossroad,give it up or I wouldn’t be able to move forward.If it wasnt for the hard choices,I would not be able to realise I never wanted to stay in one place doing the same work everyday.I wrote down every detail of the person I wanna be.If you are already the kind of person u wanna be,there wont be hard choices.I believe that its telling you to reconsider,to think about your future again. Thank you for reading.
My perplexity about this talk deals with finding a concrete solution to the problem. The speaker figured out in a very brilliant way what the problem is about, where the fundamental issue lies, but at the end of her speech I didn’t feel like I got a new way to face hard choices. I agree with the idea that there’s no way to apply quantitative comparisons to values and so we can’t say that an option is better than another. I also agree with the consideration that hard choices are chances to shape ourselves as we want to be in our life. But, in my opinion, the real problem is here: what is the best choice if I want to be like THAT? So many times we know what we want from life, but we can’t figure out the best path to get to it. I can listen to myself, to the emotional part of me, to understand what I really want from life, what I desire, so I know how I want to shape myself, but I don’t know what tools I have to choose to obtain this shape.
Ruth Chang – this article was extraordinary! Thank you. I think I will listen to it another 5 times to really get my head around it. The concept of using decisions to forge who we want to be… sounds so simple, but is quite profound. I now know that I am a drifter, and allow the world to make decisions for me as a) I don’t like making decisions b) fear of failure. I will try to take more autonomy over each decision. Thank you
I listened to this talk so many times. It has changed my life. Every time I listened to it, I gleaned different layers of depths and insights into decision making and into myself – what I value, what is really important to me. It helped me “crack” this person called “myself” 😊. Thank you so mucb Ruth 🙏🙏
There’s something I cannot make out from her sharing. In her talk, she talked about how staying true to yourself, or letting yourself to have your own standing in hard choices really makes who we truly are. But in order to state our own reasons in hard choices, we need to have the information about the choices we face. And only by asking for other people’s opinions, or considering the merits between two choices do we come to acquire the information and finally conclude of which choices fit to us.
When making hard choices: Acknowledge they are hard because there is no best alternative. They are blessings; easy choices are passively detrimental. To solve hard choices: Exercise your agency by looking within. Your stance, your voice, your values matter ultimately in tough decisions. Be proactive (owning up to choices), not reactive (a drifter succumbing to easy choices), and ensure to weigh hard choices by their potential to you rather than qualities of those choices.
Wow. Such a paradigm shift in thinking… That the choices we make come from the reasons we give ourselves to make a choice. And that drifters (guilty as charged) make choices or have difficulty to based on reasons outside of ourselves (fear, others’ expectations, punishment/reward). I feel like I could watch this multiple times and get something new out of it.
Thank you . Honesty from the very bottom of my heart Thank you. I needed this actually, i always find myself cought up in between things and always fearing peoples Judgment after every decision. Choosing between things just tears me from within .But! Now i know that I’ve to choose the thing basing on who i wanna be or who I am truly. 🌻🕊
That was a very interesting talk. At first I thought it was going nowhere but as time went on, I understood the argument and, well, it all comes down to this: You should make your hard decisions based on who you want to become. The outcome of a hard decision is your creating the reasons to justify that choice and embracing them.
Oh wow I watched this just at the right time. It’s important to examine and understand motives behind the choices we make. And sometimes the choice isn’t hard to ourselves, but based on external factors (finances, convenience, the opinion of others) the fear outweighs the original conviction of the choice. Basically the message here is – don’t make choices on these transient factors. They won’t be a constant in your life, but YOU will. And you will live with your choices, always.
In order to decide what to do based on who you want to be (as this woman is suggesting), you have to first have some idea of what you value. This is the big problem. Many of us have a conflict of values. Do we decide based on the values of our parents? our religion? our best friend? our favorite rebel or celebrity? our favorite internet guru? a combination? If you are facing a tough decision, my advice to you is find out what YOUR values are, what matters most to YOU, and ignore everyone else’s. And don’t be ashamed of your values. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into caring more about something they value. For example, if you know inside your heart that personal freedom matters more to you than family, you should not have kids, no matter how much other people want you to. It will be a big mistake. If someday you change your mind and your values, then fine, become a parent, but only then. If you truly care more about creativity than financial security, choose a career that involves that over one that doesn’t. If you have a choice (and some don’t), then it’s got to be your choice.
hmmm.. This helped me, but only because I thought about it through for a while. The core of what she was saying is good, but I feel like it was kind of diluted with things that actually detracted from the point. Someone in the comments said, “Just make a choice, then make so that it turns out to be a good one”. I understand why they came to this conclusion based on this article. I think that people like this would have clearer understandings had the article beed a lot more direct. I’m gonna break it down in my own words and it might help people. For me, the important part is when she mentioned “Drifters”. A drifter is someone who’s aimless and subsequently doesn’t no who they are. To understand who you are, it’s important to be able to recognize meaning. (Look up “Jordan Peterson Meaning”) Defining yourself, your goals, your principles, allows you to recognize the choices that yield the most meaning from the consequences of your decisions. That’s it. I don’t think this adds to what she said, it might make her point clearer though. idk. Also, keep in mind that Jordan Peterson is politically controversial, but has a great life philosophy and I’d encourage anyone to look him up as he’s very important to this. I like a lot of what she had to say, “If your life were nothing but easy choices, you’d be a slave to your decisions.” Have a good day! and like my comment if it helps. 🙂
I like this way of making choices. “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” – Steve Jobs
To bring back the is-ought-gap in order to underline the power of our individual constructivism in life is a good starting point, but I don’t see how this can truly help anyone. The trouble arises only once one has already understood that one has to be the author of one’s life, and upon realization that there are paths that might not only be worse for one’s own life than others, but that might even be deeply regretted later on in life. All these considerations come from individual experience, not from an illegitimate resort to science. There are better and worse alternatives for every life story, and ignorance about both the development of the self in each scenario and the scenario itself make choices hard. ‘I did it my way’ surely is not a great song if the melody is bad.
Some people below are saying this talk is redundant or meaningless, but they seem to miss the point. If you were hoping this speech would offer a perfect solution to whatever problem, then you’re confirming her logic. There’s no DVD or TED TALK that will give you the answer to a good or better life. Instead, recognize that YOU’RE the one creating the pros and cons for choosing between two subjects. Therefore, go ahead and write out the pros and cons, then choose based on which cons you’re more willing to live with, knowing that YOU alone have made that choice. Also, it was really cool to see Esther Perel in the audience. Much love. =)
When faced with a hard choices don’t make decisions based on reasons given to you by others, rather you need to create the reasons for the choices yourself. What kind of person do you want to be a few years down the line and which choice do you have to make to become that person. Which choice best goes with your values and beliefs. There are no right or wrong choices there’s just choices, give it some thought and pick one and work and do your best to make it the right choice.
I saw this article 3 or 4 times, in years. First times I thought she was not catching the point. Today, that some thigns in my life taught me the importance of the inner space as a starting point to make decisions, this article start to make sense. It’s very inspiring! Give to her an other chance, watch the article again. I think that her theory (“on a par” + “reason for us”) is the only way to take hard decisions and live them good. (sorry for my english)
I don’t necessarily agree. It’s always best to make decisions based on as much research as possible – this helps us see the choices for as much as they actually are. She’s making out most life decisions are on a par – which they are not. For example, I love art and I love maths. I love art a bit more. But in the current job market where I live and bearing in mind my family and not so privileged background, it’s VERY difficult to get a graphic design job and very easy to get a banking job. I don’t “see myself” as a banker, at all, but ultimately, it’s the better choice for me as I’ll be OK financially. I find it notoriously difficult to make choices (paralysis by analysis), but one thing that helped me to become better was: – Research, find the answers then make the decision (let it make itself) DON’T – Make the decision based on feelings and then find the answers to justify it When you do the second option, it rarely “sits” well.
She’s talking about the difference between what we value and what we think we should value. So it’s not too long a stretch (for me) to say she’s talking about conflict & confusion that arise when we’re caught between what we value and what those around us value, or what we think they value. ‘Drifters’ who let the world decide for them are simply the people most cut off (perhaps by a domineering upbringing or bullying… or even advertising) from what they value. Without being aware of it, they don’t see that as enough reason to choose something.
this is so accurate i mean she was right about using science in making decisions by draw a line between 2 of them and choose one because it gives better option or it’s more safe to do that way isn’t the best way to make good decision it is just depend on us who we are giving out the best reasons to choose it
I’m here because I don’t know what to do. This comment is probably too late to be seen but oh well, I want to air my thoughts. Do I study music at university, which has been my passion and hobby longer than I’ve been able to read and write, or do law (ive been offered a fully paid scholarship). I love learning and academia, and think I would be able to do some really impactful changes as a lawyer, and I have a strong drive to make the world a better place. On the other hand, I love music and it makes me feel incredible and sometimes when I perform, euphoric. I could do music now, and law later, of course, but I would lose the scholarship. Taking the scholarship would significantly assist my parents financially. I can get behind being a musician, and exisiting to create beauty and share joy. I can also see myself making significant change and fighting for the greater good as a lawyer. Which is the person I want to be? I want to be both, but I also want to ensure financial security for my family. I want to be a good child, and create beauty, and change the world, but I feel like I can’t be all these things at once. I need to decide today and I’m at a complete loss. Thanks for reading!
This insight upends the conventional view of decision-making as a stressful task. Chang eloquently communicated that these choices are not just about selecting between options but also defining who we are as individuals. These decision-making moments are indeed opportunities to manifest our values. It’s a beautiful sentiment and a mindset I’ll carry into future decisions.
Realmente no entendí esto completamente hasta que vi la segunda vez. La primera vez no me resultó muy útil. En realidad es bastante profundo. Deje de lado la lista de pros y contras y la interminable comparación y análisis de cada característica. Deja ir el miedo y de tomar la ruta más segura y fácil. Decide quién quieres ser y para qué quieres vivir, y luego elige lo que te acerque a eso. Y celebra las decisiones difíciles como oportunidades para definirte a ti mismo y a tu vida.
This Ted Talk is so powerful. This is a part of the basis the human creates the brain and the brain creates the human. Ruth put the decision making process it such a clear way, I can undeniably make decisions different and I under why I should. Everyone should send this article to someone. Keep that circulation alive the sake of intentional humans.
The wisdom in the first 1 minute 49 seconds alone is astounding! Thank you so much for this article! I really wish that I had watched this article when it was first uploaded in 2014, it would certainly have helped me to have more confidence when facing hard choices. This is something I learned through my own life experience that when faced with hard choices there will be pros and cons no matter which way you turn.
This was very insightful, thank you. However, I still cannot seem to make my decision. The two things I’ve been looking forward to the most this year. The last musical my school will hold in this auditorium, because they’re going to tear it down, or being able to have fun in a huge mall and stay at a hotel somewhere before presenting my science fair project. Today I’ve been informed that both of these are on the same day, and I can’t make my decision. I’m also considering asking the musical director to reschedule the musical so I can still be able to preform in it and experience both opportunities, but I’m too shy and the answer will probably a no. 🙁
Interesting how this talk seems to have polarised opinion. I don’t have an answer to that, just as many feel Chang doesn’t have an answer to ‘how’ exactly you might make a hard choice. But it worked for me. In my opinion, this talk is a brilliant, profound and timely statement about the nature of life’s big decisions. It’s familiar wisdom, only presented from an analytic philosopher’s perspective. And it works.
I thought this was brilliant. The premise as I took it is that decisions should be based on personal values and be more about the kind of person you want to become vs. an optimal solution. The problem I still have is what if you have to juxoppose two mutually exclusive values when you want to embody both. That is difficult but then again this is where she is talking about having to define yourself one way or the other.
Very powerful and life changing advice that I am going to stick to (or rather have already stuck to but never knew the right words for it) – “Reflect on what you can put your agency behind, in what you can be for, and through Hard choices, become that person”. Thanks for this amazing message and tech talk 🙏😊
I got a letter that I could go to Hunter College High School in 7th grade, next year. I would like some change, but I would have to leave all of my friends, and do much harder work. The test to get in is in November. I currently go to a K-8 school. I went to this article because I don’t know if I fully want to go. I could keep my friends, or get much better education.
Brilliant 👏 👏 Ask yourself a simple question: Is the choice you are about to make will expand you and you will grow? Then ask yourself another one: What will I do if I have 6 months to live? … same answer don’t think so… What If you eventually understand that the choice you are about to make has already been done by you in another parallel reality ? Actually you finally got it you just imagine you have a choice. Well you don’t. Have a lovely day to all of us
DON’T LET THIS GAL FORCE YOU INTO A DECISION. The fear of becoming a “DRIFTER” is the wrong reason to making a hard choice. As a DRIFTER, I understand the pros and cons (and the values associated) presented by all alternatives, but why should I want to be FOR something because I don’t want to be FOR nothing? When I’m ready to be FOR something I will choose to be FOR that thing, which, may not even be in the alternatives at hand. Not to mention, life is full of RANDOMNESS. Chance encounter can be beautiful.
I have to make a difficult decision and after perusal this article it has given me a better perspective; however I am still unsure of my decision. I would like to attend Nevada State high school which is a school where I would be able to get college credit and even graduate with an associates degree before even getting my High School Diploma. The school is Free and I would be saving a lot of money. The problem is that I’m not sure if I should leave my current magnet school East Tech. The main reason I wouldn’t want to leave this school is because of what I was going to experience in the Medical Program. I’m just not quite sure which decision I should make:/
The whole presentation summed up: Don’t a drifter choosing safer options choose the option which makes you who you are! The title is kind of misleading it doesn’t really give you a direct answer and she seems to be talking in circles just so the presentation lasts longer. In all honesty this didn’t really teach me anything lol
“What we do in hard choices is very much up to each of us.” Wow, thank you very much for this nugget of wisdom, your holiness Dalai Lama. I could have never come to this brilliant conclusion on my own. I’m sorry, but this really was nearly 15 minutes of pure concentrated nothingness. If you want an intriguing talk about choices, do check “Barry Schwartz: The paradox of choice”. There’s a link at the end of this article.
OMG!!! how scary!! the article started with some choices and the first 3 choices are the biggest choices i am currently making 0.0 the coincidence is unreal! 1. be an artist or an accountant 2. live in the city or the country side 3. 🙂 (ps, no im not two timing) im actually moving to a new country next yr for my studies and i have two choices: the capital city or the countryside AND im in the middle of an inner fight of whether i should follow my passion for art or my be an accountant :-))
The alternatives for hard choices are neither better than the other, nor are they equally good. When making hard choices, we should go for one of the alternatives for the reasons created by ourselves rather than those given. Hard choices are precious opportunities for us to explore and develop our human conditions which were buried deeply in subconsciousness. Forget about “for”s and “against”s, it’s our heart that is speaking to ourselves. Remarkable speech.
I come to this article at 3AM in the middle of the night trying to decide if I should switch my job of equal pay, equal role, just a different department. It is a hard choice because they are similar jobs. The current job offers stability and easy pass since I already know how to do my job. The new job offers new learning opportunities and along with it a lot of hard work to gain those knowledge. My reasoning is the salary is the same, so why should I change and have to risk the uncertain challenges from the new job? Well, there is obviously something I don’t like about the current job, otherwise, it wouldn’t be a hard choice. It is an internal battle. But I think this article gave me an answer. I want to learn new things but I fear change and risk. Don’t let fear and risk to stop you from what you want to be.
What if you choose based on who you feel you are/ want to become, and it still doesn’t work out, based on factors you couldn’t foresee: an example, a few years ago I adopted a ten year old rescue dog, it was taking a leap of faith because I have 5 beloved cats at home (but love dogs and used to have them until they died of old age) — I brought the rescue dog home and it became clear, despite going about the introductions in as slow a way as I had read was necessary/ separating them but allowing them to see one another etc., the dog would have killed my cats (despite being told at the shelter he was good with cats). I contacted a trainer to see what was possible and she said it was unsafe since the dog was older, this cat reactivity was unlikely to change and even if it could it would be a long stressful time for the cats and the dog, and I should bring the dog back to the shelter. This was something unimaginable but what I ended up having to do for the safety of my cats and also so the dog could have a chance at a loving, cat free home. Now, if I want to try to adopt a dog again, and choose based on who I am/ want to become, which is an animal lover who wants to say “yes” to animals who need a home as long as I can keep up with all their needs, I have this past experience that tells me, you can choose based on your own becoming but it doesn’t necessarily mean it will feel like the better choice once the unforeseens become visible. Yes, any experience is growthful, but I guess I wish the speaker could have spoken a bit to this kind of thing, the unforeseens.
Choices become even harder when its not an option of action versus action, it’s an option of action versus inaction. Where to take the action is very very likely to improve your situation, but your situation is acceptable as it is, and its easy with no risk to stay where you are. For example, I’m a computer scientist working as a chemist. I have a great work environment, I get a steady pay, and everything is low stress. But if I quit and pursue software engineering, I may earn a lot more money, and have an occupation more suited to my talent, and therefore likely be more fulfilled. So the alternative looks superior, it feels to me to be the superior choice, but it’s just so darn easy to stay where I am.
I disagree with this talk, there is such a thing as the better alternative. The problem is that you don’t have all the information when making the choice. If you would know that the banking job will leave you miserable and unfulfilled and the arts job would leave you a little poorer but happy, you’d know what to choose. And of course the choice would be different for different people. Of course you need to take your personality into consideration. That doesn’t mean you can say: “Oh, it’s different for everyone, so it’s incomparable”.
This was really a very inspiring talk and I‘m truly amazed by it. And I believe that in the future I will be able to think that way about hard choices. Unfortunately I still can’t make the one I‘m struggling with right now. The safe option is not a 100% what I really want but it would be the most logical one. On the other hand the option that I fear in some ways would mean giving up everything and I think this one could be the one I could regret. So I can either choose something I know I won’t be really happy about or I can choose the one that I might regret
BEST QUOTES…SPARK NOTES! “the world of value is different from the world of science, the stuff of one world can be quantified by real numbers, the stuff of the the other world can’t” “it is here in the space of hard choices that we get to exercise our normative power…the power to make yourself into the person (you will become)” “this response in hard choices is a rational response, but it is not dictated by reasons given to us, rather reasons created by us…we become the authors of our own lives” “people who don’t exercise their normative choices are drifters…they allow the world to dictate the direction of their lives. The lesson of hard choices: REFLECT ON WHAT YOU CAN PUT YOUR AGENCY BEHIND AND WHAT YOU CAN BE FOR, AND THROUGH HARD CHOICES, BECOME THAT PERSON!” Overall thoughts…Great moments with a lot of filler! Like a good tasting beer with a lot of empty calories.
Her basic premise is wrong. She asserts hard choices are hard because they’re equally good, with no evidence to support that. If there is anything at all to support making one decision over another, it is the better option. She also separates our inner wants from material desires for no reason, doesn’t understand basic math or science, is dichotomizing “realms” (science is completely separate from values, according to her), and is basically irrational. Overrall she comes off as a wannabe decision theorist.
Very well justified speech, I think it was perfectly put together on how you need to find yourself and what you would like to be defined as also i read a comment earlier saying ” when something bad happens you have three choices you can let it define you let it destroy you or let it strengthen you” I think that is learnt by bad decisions and even if they occur nothing happened you cant blame yourself as you couldnt have known. I think you just cant overthink too much as that will just make you feel worse you need to simply give things a try
Amazing Thank you so much. This is the only person that makes any sense to me when it comes to this topic, everyone says “do what’s best for you” or ” it doesn’t matter” which aren’t great options. I suspected about the complexity she mentions of how things can’t be measured in a scientific way and all that but I couldn’t quite figure out these things at such a clear level like she did in this article. Anyway, this has opened my eyes, at least now I feel closer to making a hard decision in my life and not completely lost like I used to.
Great article, very relevant for personal decisions. However, I wonder what she recommends about hard choices in the public context. Unfortunately, this notion of building oneself through personal decisions doesn’t really hold, and it should become possible to quantify values, in order to take decisions in the best common interest.
thank you, i am currently at a crossroad at age 32, i have been struggling and didnt know whether to choose family marriage or career(multitasking is really not my thing). The increased salary metaphor is a great perspective. Although i spend some life in getting to know how is it like in different path choices. your talk is of a great help! whats worse than not pursue the things meaningful?
Now all of this aside, I have two job offers at the moment to choose from; one is at a suburban firm which provides security and a low career with much less stress and proximity to home, the other a high end stressful job in the city with far better challenges, exposure and mentorship, which one should I go for? I’m very scared of failing at the city job and being back where I am now, i.e looking for jobs again and going through numerous job interviews.
Then what option should you give reasons to? Which alternate should I choose to give reasons to? “Better” is such a vague term. It is the time limit what forces us to make a choice. And we do it without analyzing all the data, we can’t analyze it though. I’m a student of physics and philosophy and the concept of choice is messing my mind since I had been in situation to choose between two colleges. Considering certain factors can make choice easy but even factors are to be chosen too. So I am following what Alan watts said about “choice”.
So, I’m being bullied at my current school. The bullying got very bad last Wednesday. My mother gave me 2 options, 1) stay at school and the school will change my classes and find a safe space for me to sit out of class time, and 2) Start online school. The reason it’s so difficult is because online school is expensive, I get distracted easily, and I don’t learn properly unless I’m shown something. I don’t want to go back to school though, because the bully got into trouble and knows that I told on them. I’ve been doing well at school, it’s just the bullying that isn’t working out for me. Everything else is fine. I have until this afternoon to decide because I’ve already taken a week off school, but I don’t know what to do. I honestly think the school I’m at now would be better for my future.
Hard-choice is still just a choice. It’s only hard to choose if we don’t know the end goal, who we are, or where we are supposed to be. But if you already know, it’ll be easy, cause if it’s still going there anyway any option is fine. Maybe pick the one that’s faster, or slower, closer or further, depending on our own taste which comes from how we define ourselves. You might like it slow and enjoy the process or fast and just get to the end point. It’s all up to you and your definition. Just don’t forget to celebrate options, choices and variety. They are simply an existence of an opportunity to define who we are.
I can cope with most of the hard choices, except being married or not married. I love someone and I spent a lot of years with her. She wants to get married now, but sometimes I think that she is not the right person, and sometimes I think that she is the best person for getting married. Also, both of our time is very limited for that decision due to some career reasons. I fear that my decisions will become my mistakes one day in the future in retrospect. Also, I think about her life with big mercy. Like, what will she do after me, could she get married(because of some old memories)? On the other hand, I sometimes feel bad about her personal attitude as she fights a lot and makes things big. Therefore, I think getting married to her can be a disaster. It is the hardest choice in my life… How can I overcome this?
TO HONESTLY KNOW WHO WANT TO BE, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU CAN BE. TO DO THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU TRULY ARE (EASIER SAID THAN DONE). You must honestly answer the question: “Is this something I have the ability to do well in?” A 70 year old blind man, choosing to become a blackbelt in Taekwondo will always be a bad/impossible choice.
Hard choices are precious opportunities to celebrate the human condition. The reasons that govern our choices as correct or incorrect sometimes run out and it is here in the space of hard choices that we have the power to create reasons for ourselves to become the distinctive people that we are. That’s why hard choices are not a curse but a godsend.
“Far from being sources of agony and dread, hard choices are precious opportunities for us to celebrate what is special about the human condition, that the reasons that govern our choices as correct or incorrect sometimes run out. And it is in the space of hard choices that we create reasons for ourselves to become the people that we are. And that’s why hard choices are not a curse, but a godsend.”
here’s my situation, my high school offers CTE (Career Technology Education) programs which are essentially really hard to get into programs that let you take college classes and get the experience in high school. I want to be a lawyer, so I applied for the criminal justice program. 18/240 people get accepted and they look at everything from grades, to attendance and your application. If I get accepted, I’d take 2 classes sophomore and junior year and 4 senior year. Essentially, I barely get any electives but I get to take this course. My hard decision comes in here, I’m unable to take a lot of AP classes and I’m planning on applying to Ivy League colleges or just prestigious colleges in general and my GPA would suffer if I took the CTE course. I want a 5.00 GPA which is impossible to get taking CTE classes. Like, I’d have the tiniest bit over a 4.00 GPA and so now I’ve spent hours upon hours on my application for the program. I’m getting my letter soon on whether I made it in or not and if I did, I’d have to choose between a good GPA or the program. I know no one cares but it helps me to write this out because I’m freaking out
Very well done. Understanding choice as an infinite power that produces variable outcomes. The lesson s are many. Choosing from insight vs choosing from cultural, family influences. The closing sets the right tone, seeing choice as a gift vs a curse. Taking this perception changes the road you will choose and the way you will “reason” your way into making a decision. Hidden message, there is risk in every choice.
I am thinking she discovered something that people in her age discover. That we just have to make the choice to suit us in some sort of meaning of our lifes. And… you are going back to good/bad choice. “a par” is just something she came up with to make it more scientific or for the credit purposes I guess. But altogether… it is a nice summary of this idea/problem.
I’m also going through the same puzzle. Since I’m a university student I have lots of option to choose but I’m unable to do so because I want to choose the best option in this process there are two ways for me. first, to go in Indian Administrative Services (IAS) or second to be a philosopher. I know at a day I have to decide it, and I’m waiting for the day.!
I go by another choice. when different things arise, be creative. find a way to make the best out of the two or three things. if you want a career in art but also think of going for banking. then find your passion on your free time and work your day at work at the bank which can ge a lesser passion, to say so. how about asking the bank to do a mural outside the building, and surround your office with art work and some artistic books?
So according to this, here are the does and don’t Do realize scientific knowledge (what is) is different that values (ought to be) Do realize science can delineate what is more, less or equal. But “oughts” don’t function the same way, these decision are on par with each other. . Do use normative powers – the power to create reasons – to have you make a decision that you can put yourself behind. Don’t think one choice is better than the other, Don’t forgo normative powers and become a drifter (let others give you reasons) Don’t overly sweat a pro and con list (one choice isn’t better than the other) Summary: Choose what you ought or want to become. Create the compelling reasons for you choice. Don’t fall back on seocial pressure or personal fears. Question: – Its not always simple to have the right compass on what we want to become. I’d argue the reason decisions can be so difficult is becuase we aren’t sure what we want to be, even for her she couldn’t decide between lawyer and philospher.
Some people never get the point mentioned about 5 minutes into the article. IMO, it is our education system which thinks science or anything that can be broken down through reductionism is better than thinking like outlined in this TED talk. Visualization can help in the process, something that reductionist thought can never duplicate. That is why for many Westerners, this process either happens later in life (> 60 yo), or when the person experiences an event that shatters their reality, like a bankruptcy.
I think her sentiment is interesting. If I understand correctly, sometimes we cannot make our decision by compare which choice is better (may be by social norm), if it can be compared and you can choose by this method.OK, it greats. But sometime choice are on par or cannot be compare because they are providing with different value. That’s a time we make our own reason by asking which one do I really want. That’s like a free will that we can choose choice by ourselves and not be slave by reasons by choosing somethings even with no one is better. Instead we create reason by our free will. It may quite simplifies decision process and you may not feel you learn anything new. Sometimes we do this unconsciously. This lecture does not give an answer that which hard choice is “better” because that is not possible to do by itself.
Well as for me Options and hard choices can sometimes route NOT ON SOMEONES PERCEPTION OF NOT BEING EQUALLY GOOD BUT OUR SOCIETIES PERCEPTION OF WHICH ONE IS BETTER. For example when choosing a dress eventhough you perceive both of your dress as beautiful and worth-wearing, you still have a hard time in chosing so you ask which one is better. True that in the end you’re the one who will make the decision for yourself “look inside” “who am i to be? ” but in the end We dont really know the ones which are good for us so we ask advice from PEOPLE who matters to us, the ones we loved. You see as an Asian being “Practical” routes to our family decissions and YOUR OWN PERSONALITY clashing in between them WILL make it hard for you. So you see, Even if My mindset say BOTH CHOICES I MAKE IS EQUALLY GOOD, SOCIETY will still Slap me on the face,my family, my friends, MY own fear, WILL MAKE IT HARD FOR ME TO ACCOMMODATE OR PERCEIVE EACH ONE OF my CHOICES AS BOTH GOOD. And Because EVERYONE WILL SAY that when choosing “CHOOSE WHICH ONE IS BETTER” SO IN THE END It will lead me think that choosing between finance and art, FINANCE is better as a job than being a graphical artist. The sector of succes really routes on their perception of success,MONEY AND INCOME. So for us to NOT make a mistake we chose to simply lead with the safe option in order for us to survive.
All things being equal this talk makes a lot of sense. However what is not mentioned here is first you must survive and to do that you need income. We are faced with the obligation to do whatever work we can obtain to put food in our stomachs. While remembering that we do not live to put food in our stomachs we live to put nourishment into our souls. Do what you have to do but be focused on being who you are. Becoming who you are is what we live for. But we get caught up don’t we. We start identifying with our menial work and we start believing that is all we are. Which is not so! Suppose I want to be a yacht builder but I have no skills to build. I must eat. So I take a job that I can do to get food and I use the rest of my time working on becoming a yacht builder. This is the way. But maybe not… Perhaps I should become a yacht builder today and hope that the journey will bear fruit along the way, enough to keep me supported. At the core of this, use these things to sharpen your mind.
….And yet, when it comes to making a hard choice, my options are a subset of socially constrained options. So long as feel that I exercised my will in choosing from a limited set of viable options can I claim I am expressing the authentic me. The individual who allows life to guide their choices is a drifter, they make decisions passively and therefore allow themselves to be swept up by the flow of life. The principle of Wu Wei would apply here. However, those who from their inner self make a choice are more resilient to being pushed around by the flow of life, they resist certain ideas and support others. In this sense their lives are meaningful because they engaged their agency in support some cause or idea. They dictate to the world who they are and make life into what they want by self-created reasons. Where those reasons originate from is unimportant….. At what point did I decide to decide? I can certainly get behind the idea of making decisions that ‘feel right’ because that feeling is how I ‘know’ I’ve acted in accordance with a deeper part of me. I’ve expressed myself in a way that reflects my inner feelings. How I arrived at those feelings is an unknown mystery but that doesn’t matter so long as I have allowed their expression to be released. It’s as if the outside world flows through me and I through it and when I have a sense that I want to move or act I do and in that act I am being authentic to who I really am. Which is a creature that is interconnected with its environment.
I am 10 years old and I am still trying to make the choice of 1.moving back to bisbee where I can spend time with my dad who is very nice but people outside and at school are not so nice or 2.stay in St. johns where I live with my mom who is not so nice but outside and at school people are nicer to me. Let me know which choice I should make. 1. or 2.
Ruth Chang says that hard choices are hard because none of the alternatives is way better than the other. Therefore, even small choices can be hard. Whether to have chocolate ice cream or creme brulee can be a very hard choice indeed, if I like them both and if I am craving for sweets at that moment. So what do we do? We take the safest option. We decide to become engineers than artists because statistically, the probability of getting a job as an engineer is higher than that of an artist. So, we take the safest option, because we fear that we are too stupid to understand the better option if the choice to make is hard. We prefer not to take any risks and we go for the option that is rationally comforting. This is the very mistake we make. Remember, in hard choices no option is better than the other. We simply do not know…How can we know that engineering makes us happier in our future lives? Unfortunately, there are no fast forward and rewind buttons for life. So, does it really make sense to conclude that engineering is the better option? It’s not and whether we like it or not at the end of the day hard choice is the only way to make our life easier. How ironic.
I listened to this twice and hear two message versions. One is about agency and creating the person we want to become. A second is implicitly through her own story of lawyer vs philosopher. She said that she chose law school because it was safe but ultimately it did not fit and was not what she loved. This suggests more a psychology of personality and less room to maneuver. It does not sound like she could have been happy with the lawyer choice, given her personality and value structure. If she could not be satisfied with being a lawyer, then the choices are not of equal value for her. She might make reasons for it, such as money and safety, but her heart and body would rebel.
– it’s a mistake to think that in hard choices one alternative is better than the other – we tend to assume that scientific thinking holds the key to everything of importance in our world, but the world of VALUE is different from the world of SCIENCE. So there is no reason to believe that in choice there are only three possibilities: one is better, worse or equal to the other. – hard choices -> alternatives are ‘on a par’, in the same league of value, that’s why the choice is hard – each of us has the power to create reason – in a world where there is a ‘best’ option, we’re slaves to reasons – when we create reasons for ourselves rather than reasons given to us we wholeheartedly become the people we are – instead of looking for reasons out there we should look for reasons within. Who am I to be? – looking at it this way hard choices are not a curse but a godsend
The message I got was only hard choices force you to make meaningful decisions that have weight, which almost always results in the right path for you. You either make the right choice and it feels good, or you make the wrong choice, which allows you to learn a bit about what you don’t actually want.
Am perusal this in midnight where am in the middle of choosing between two jobs, and I feel both of them are good. One is paying more + giving city where I studied, my friends lived other is giving lesser money and i worked grew and no one is here actually but have started liking this. Am not sure which job am gonna choose i have week from the time i am commenting this, but i think am gonna choose the less paying, unknown city one. Wanna see how my life goes :), will come back to this comment for sure after year or two. Cheers ✌️ 🙂 whoever reading this and making choice like mine in October 2019.
Leave everything behind and try to find the most natural living commukity left on this planet, learning about my true nature OR play the game and win in whatever comes out in the end, because I am smart, and even like it and dissolve in it, because its just the way you chose to make you, but might never be fulfilled and eventually torture yourself one day for not taking that risk
I just graduated in art. I don’t know what to do now that I am no longer a student. The fact that I need to make my own choices that my parents usually did has left me stressed. I realise i don’t know how to even create options for me because my brain freezes. I am afraid that my first step out of university will make my future miserable. I feel like the drifter here, and i understand i don’t know myself. however, I know this is the first step into changing that.
I like her argument, but I want to make a small correction. In the second to the end leg of the speech she said that the world of science is different from the world of value. That people want to quantify the value of choice A numerically, and it simply doesn’t work that way. I think everything is numerically quantifiable, but a scientific approach is not always the most efficient. I really do believe if you spent enough time you could make the right choice scientifically, using all the information at your disposal. This would take waay too long and you’re better off just ‘feeling’ what’s best for you. Her last point was ‘making reasons’. She said that hard choices allow you the opportunity to recreate yourself in your decision. This is an excellent thought, probably more important than the choice itself is your own perseverance in it. More often than not I’ve failed in a decision and reverted to the alternative, not because the alternative was better but simply because I reevaluated at the first hardship. After all alternatives were exhausted and I was on the last good choice, I realized that each choice would have been equally hard and equally rewarding, stumbling on the decision did nothing but waste time.
Interesting approach. I can’t agree, however. I feel like the message is to just make up whatever you want in order to justify a hard choice. This might be okay for a choice that affects only you, but do we want to empower our leaders to operate this way. I don’t. Choices that are hard are not incomparable. They are hard because there are either competing objectives at play, uncertainty in the consequences or outcomes of each possible alternative, or a struggle between the trade-offs that would result from the choice. You can compare them using multiple objective analyses which are designed to address this very difficulty of bringing competing values into the decision. While there may not be a “best” choice in a traditional sense, there most certainly is an “optimal” choice if you work hard at defining all of the different fundamental objectives underlying the decision as step 1 (even and especially those objectives that compete with one another) rather than just calling the decision hard and leaving it at that. Being an artist might be better on life fulfillment and worse on financial stability, but how we value life fulfillment in comparison to financial stability and our risk tolerance come into play to help show that one choice really is optimal over another, depending on how these values are held by the decision-maker.
For anyone doing the assignment: According to the article’s content, hard choices give us the power to become who we are. TRUE Facing hard choices is about the best _____ given to us. ALTERNATIVES A _____ is the term Ruth Chang uses to describe an individual who allows the world, instead of herself or himself, to write their story of how to make decision. DRIFTER
Ruth Chang says that there is something we have misunderstood about hard choices. These are not a source of agony, a reason for sorrowful days or sleepless nights. Instead, these are chances for us to personally grow as human beings. “Understanding hard choices helps us uncover a hidden power that each one of us possesses.”
here is a way to view this: you have a choice to make between becoming a banker and an artist. the way i see one should make a choice is not what any of these alternatives offer, but what you would expect from a choice. in this case, what you would expect from a job. maybe you would expect to be active and work with children. that qualifies you as a kindergarten teacher. all in all, what i am saying is that you should not look at the first alternatives when making a choice, but know what you want from making that choice and look somewhere else in case you are not satisfied