Motherhood is a journey of love and devotion to God, with both trials and tasks designed to bring us closer to Him. It involves resting in God’s power to guide us through our daily routines, deepening our love for God, sanctifying us, and bringing glory to Him instead of ourselves. Paul wrote to Titus about the ministry of elders and older women in providing provision for his Cretan daughters in an ungodly culture. Spiritual mothering is an aspect of living with an eternal perspective, focusing on God, His word, and people’s souls.
Susan Hunt emphasizes that not every woman can give biological motherhood, but spiritual mothers make a difference through their faithful obedience to Christ. They serve as a natural outflow of the sanctification that occurs in our hearts through motherhood. A spiritual mother desires God and does not hesitate to pass it on to her children, helping them strengthen their identity in Him.
Spiritual motherhood is open to all Catholic women, offering knowledge and wisdom to help younger believers see things from a different perspective. It is about reverencing, protecting, and nurturing life. Motherhood is more spiritual than we often believe, as it is within the very everyday acts of compassion and love. The spiritual journey of motherhood is an invitation to love as Christ and most mothers do – whole-heartedly, selflessly, and joyously.
Motherhood brings fears and traumas to the surface, and it is a catalyst for spiritual growth. However, it is important not to force someone to be a mother before they are ready. Parenting is the single greatest spiritual training that we as mothers and fathers are undergoing. Saying yes to children is one of the great joys of motherhood, as it allows us to teach what we know and hope it serves their children as well.
📹 what does scripture say about christian motherhood? #christianmotherhood#mommyvlogger #religion
Can motherhood start a spiritual journey?
The text explores the spirituality of motherhood, focusing on how the practice of caring for children can transform the caregiver’s sense of spirituality. The author argues that this transformation can lead to a shift from thinking of oneself as an individual with free will, self autonomy, and independence to believing that we are all more connected and dependent upon each other than we thought. The author aims to explore their personal spiritual journey from an academic perspective to gain and share knowledge.
The intense emotional experiences of motherhood, such as childbirth and caring for someone who cannot clearly communicate their desires, can have both extreme pain and joy. By feeling connected to their children, mothers can become easier to feel connected to other mothers, children, and humanity in general. The author believes that American society would benefit from the recognition of the spiritual side of mothering and the potential for a transformation in consciousness.
The thesis is feminist in nature, aiming to illuminate and privilege the knowledges and experiences of mothers and celebrate female parenting while acknowledging the difficulties imposed by sexist society. The author believes that motherhood does not always have to be exploitive or repressive, and spirituality can be one way to transcend these challenges.
Is motherhood a spiritual gift?
God knits a profound desire into a woman’s heart to bring life into the world and nurture it, forming a great and exalted character in the child. Motherhood is a beautiful and noble calling given to the human race as a pure gift. The desire for motherhood stems from a deeper desire to give freely and wholly to another in love. When a woman finds the one to whom she will make a complete self-gift, her desire for motherhood is awakened definitively. Motherhood and spousal love are intrinsically woven together, as spousal love is life-giving by its very essence.
God does not ask a young woman to set aside what He has woven into her being, adding another gift of supernatural grace to live a divine call to spousal union and motherhood through a complete gift of self to God. The spiritual motherhood of a woman religious is an intimate participation in the motherhood of Mary, as seen in Mary’s role at the wedding feast at Cana. Presence is a particular gift of femininity, and in the mother’s gift of presence, her child experiences being known, received, and loved.
What is the divine role of motherhood?
Motherhood is a divine role that requires sacrifice and exhaustion. It is a calling from God for all women, who help their children navigate life with love, guidance, and support. Mothers make hard decisions, encourage in difficult times, and provide love. God sees the daily efforts of mothers everywhere, no matter how large or small. He is there to help as mothers strive to be the best they can.
What is mother energy?
The mother energy is the highest form of love, displaying unconditional love and care for us regardless of our actions. It is the most necessary form of love and is the most divine love of all. All problems in the world stem from this energy not being received. To receive love, we need to practice receiving from our mother earth, the universe, and our parents. By offering gratitude to the earth and the universe, we can feel the feminine unconditional love that is inherent in all aspects of life.
The mother energy is present in every action, underlying every step with a connection to the universe, ensuring that we are never alone. Just as a child might tempestuously ask to be left alone, the mother waits patiently and unconditionally to help wherever she is allowed. By practicing receiving from our mother earth and the universe, we can experience the divine feminine love that is inherent in all aspects of life.
What is the sacred role of motherhood?
The text advises women who work full-time to provide for their families to do their best and ensure basic needs are met, rather than indulge in extravagant luxuries. The greatest job a mother will ever do is nurturing, teaching, lifting, encouraging, and rearing her children in righteousness and truth. Families may need to make sacrifices to follow this counsel, as none other can adequately take her place. The text emphasizes the importance of nurturing, teaching, lifting, encouraging, and raising children in righteousness and truth.
What is the divine motherhood?
The doctrine of Mary’s divine motherhood was formally defined at the Council of Ephesus in 431. She is known as “Mother of God,” which translates to “Birthgiver of God.” The doctrine of the Catholic Church is based on four dogmas which state Mary’s personal relationship with God and her role in human salvation.
Why is motherhood sacred?
Mothers have been the primary caregivers for children in every known culture throughout history. Mothers often choose to assume this role, as they have an innate desire to nurture their children. Research professor Mohammedreza Hojat suggests that this desire is inborn, and women, regardless of their biological status, have an innate inclination to nurture their children. Most women feel protective and nurturing towards children, regardless of whether they are biologically theirs or not.
Nurturing children is the central task, which includes meeting their physical demands, such as food, clothing, and protection, as well as loving, cherishing, educating, and training them. This desire to nurture children is a natural part of the female body, and it is believed that most women feel protective and nurturing towards children regardless of their biological status.
What is the divine calling of motherhood?
Motherhood, like marriage, was God’s idea first, with Eve as the first woman. Motherhood is an active, worshipful, missional way of living, and it is not selective of a few women. Every Christian woman is called to the spiritual motherhood of making disciples of all nations. God’s design for all mothers is to make much of Him to the children entrusted to them, and their mission begins and ends with the gospel.
God did not make a mistake when He made me a mother. He creatively called me to His mission through this time of motherhood to nurture, love, grow, teach, shape beautiful little humans unto Him, turn their faces and souls towards my Savior, lead them to the cross, and pray God will save them. God chose repetitive dailiness as the time and place to live out my calling.
We often feel lonely, insecure, and overwhelmed in mothering because we forget by whose power in which we mother in the first place. God has instituted this missional field for moms and provided His Son as the greatest missional home manager the world has ever seen. God gives us Jesus to live out motherhood in the gospel way, and there is no better place to mother than in the reality of the cross and with Christ in us.
What is the spiritual meaning of mother?
This blog explores the unique purpose of a mother, highlighting that it goes beyond just birthing a child or raising them to adulthood. A true mother, according to God, carries a lifetime of influence and is a strong force of nature that binds us in love. This Mother’s Day, the author feels God challenging them to reflect on their mother through His eyes, allowing them to understand her ways, emotions, and words. The author feels God softening their heart and understanding her expressive kisses and hugs, as well as her desire to hold the author’s hand even when they are over 50.
The author also feels their adult self resisting her intuitive nature, which constantly tunes in on their heart and ensures their safety. The mother’s concern for their safety is evident in her constant reminders to drive on sunny and dry days, even when it’s raining out. The author has laughed out loud on these occasions.
What is the spiritual aspect of motherhood?
The spiritual journey of motherhood entails the involvement of the divine energy of one’s offspring. Prior to entering the body during pregnancy, these children are said to carry their soul back to its source, thus returning them to their original abode.
📹 Toxic people, religion, and spirituality (subtítulos en español)
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
My parents loved to use “honor your father and mother.” I was expected to honor and respect my parents, not just cause that made them feel good but because of religion. They used it against me and my fiance (now my husband) back before our wedding cause they didn’t like what they were seeing: an independent man coming into their daughter’s life and telling her she is capable of making her own choices for her life. My parents were always obsessed around sexual purity and as a result I suffered from a lot of sexual shame. Disgusting and so out of line!!! Makes my blood boil!!!
Two very helpful and sane things that were said to me by a priest in confession in speaking of my dealings with a narcissist in the family (I’m Russian Orthodox): “It is essential to try to forgive. But forgiveness is not the same as trust” and “Christian Charity absolutely does not consist of trying to force yourself to believe that someone has good intentions – when in fact it is very clear that they have bad ones.”
Always be AWARE of how you feel, how they make you feel. It does not matter how close to God they say to be, all that matters is how you feel. If something doesn’t feel right, they are being controlling and manipulative, and abusive… religion has no power at all, it simply has no meaning at all. Be AWARE of your feelings. Be always honest to yourself
I’ve dated two New Age spiritual narcissists who used spirituality as an excuse for infidelity and bad behavior. Also nonattachment, Buddhist and Hindu precepts, tantra, nonviolent communication, etc. And when they acted in a way that hurt me or if I felt grief, they told me they “hoped that I found relief from my suffering – because, really, I was just hurting myself.” The key is that there’s emotional disconnection. Emotional intelligence, yes, but they learn quickly and pick up new tools readily. It’s an intellectual exercise.
2:12 Yes they do. I had to end a friendship with a 20+ year friend who decided she would make me her project to fix. Not only did she not live her life according to her own beliefs, but she also projected onto me who she wanted me to be which was an extension of her. In other words, she wanted me to embody everything she believed in without believing and acting in alignment herself. “Do as I say, not as I do.” She hid behind the veil of her religion to hide her true narcissism. It was only through my own awakening that I was able to figure out what was going on. Our friendship ended three years ago.
You know them by their fruit. I have been on the receiving end of abuse for being authentic and sincere. For not tolerating a narcissistic manipulations no matter what. When they say: “Don’t you know who I am?” I say in my soul: “I AM died for me, and when He did, He did not surrender His throne to you. I already have my shepherd. Newsflash: I am not your sheep.” Never hand over your freedom in Christ, or that precious, PERSONAL relationship for dead religion or legalism. That’s where they try to get you: human approval, peer pressure, and societal pressure. Be comfortable enough in your own skin to let their judgements slide off like water off a duck’s back. Vindication always comes, and those who took part in the abuse always pay a high price. I never mount a defense. They will just twist it into something even more painful anyway. The Lord is my defense, and I pity anyone who abuses me or my family. I don’t have to defend anything, because my God is just.
Thank you Dr Ramani for speaking about this topic. It’s a tough one. I’ve seen narcissist religious leaders fiercely protected by their congregations who justified or minimalized their bad behavior. Often if one brought up the subject of the misbehaviours one would be ostracized. One not only loses a once trusted religious leader but a community.
what I struggle with is the stigma that comes with my religious beliefs when it comes to going no contact with family members especially parents. some religions place great emphasis on filial piety and the importance of maintaining ties with family, which can lead to confusion, inner conflict and guilt when those people are toxic and you need to cut them off
OMG yes, this is my situation. My husband says if I would just trust him to lead me, we wouldn’t have any problems. This basically means l need to ignore his sin. He loves to rub elbows with his pastor and throw lots of money at the church to make everyone think he is so devoted. It’s all smoke and mirrors. At home he is self centered, talks about himself and his business constantly, social media addicted, flirtatious with customers and every female clerk and waitress, lazy and always correcting me to the point if I say its a nice day, he tells me theirs a 10% chance of showers at 3pm. I can’t win. God will deal with him in the end. I’m trying to keep my sanity.
I survived for 43 years with a “religious” psychopath. He died 7 years ago, but I am still reeling! Biblical languages, hundreds of heavy books, teaching religion at a major university, but behind the scenes…!!! Love the wisps of grey in your hair. Mine is entirely white. But please know that after perusal your lengthy interview about psychopathy, I will never say I love your shoes 😉 With gratitude
Aaaaaaaamen, Dr. Ramani! You just described my ex parents, ex husband, and ex in-laws (FiL was a pastor, BTW; ex dad an elder). Total narc soup. I’m so thankful to be out of that toxic air and living in freedom. I absolutely still believe in God, and I am seeing Him provide for me and heal me. But every possible scripture that could be used against me – was. They will twist anything for their own purposes. And what I have found is that not only is abuse more likely to hide in religious communities, but when the abuse is brought to light, the religious community is much more likely to try to invalidate you and disbelieve you and deny everything. I have found much more help and support outside of my (former) church. I very much hesitate to become part of one again.
Wow, very powerful article. I am the greatest sinner I know and I have changed drastically because of my relationship and belief in Christ. I am beyond blessed because I can admit my wrongs. Sadly, I am slowly learning some of the worst, self righteous, egotistical, arrogant and hypocritical people are self professing “Christians”. Part of narcissistic personality and behavior is pride. My own narcissistic family can’t admit their wrongs and tend to blame others for their crappie behavior. That’s why I have had to go no contact with my blood relatives. lol…my least “spiritual” family member became a yoga instructor. It’s crazy how all of a sudden All of my family put that person on an undeserving pedestal. Very powerful article!! Thank you so much for this. I have goosebumps perusal this article. I knew something felt off and you described exactly what I have been talking about… to my therapist. Thank you again!!God bless you even more … clearly you’re already very blessed!! ❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗🙏🏼
Oh Doc! This article is timely! I left my newly spiritual narcissist this week! The lying was incessant…EVERY CONVERSATION. He is a total fake; yet, everyone believes him. I believe his spirituality is REALLY about his fear of death. Thank you for helping me cope with the fantasy I have lost by replacing it with this article’s content.
I’m a Christian and have been in church attendance for around 30 years and it has been my experience that you would struggle to find a church leader who wasn’t a narcissist. I’m no longer in church but still follow my faith. So many people are damaged in churches because of them. Makes me laugh how they bang on telling people to read their bible but when you do you know what it says and they hate it!
I grew up with a narcissistic religious father! You are so true. It is the HARDEST battle to win. You never do. You turn 18 and run. I was so brainwashed until my mid twenties and so were my brothers and sisters. I’m 54 and most of my adult life I lived in such fear of God. It took counseling and work to bring me into my own light and love. Thank you for touching on this subject. It’s hard to talk about to others. It really is religious abuse. He beat ya in the name of God. Thank God I am free. Much love and light to you!
My mother is a religious narcissist. She wanted to control me through religion. Her church is great and not to blame. I spoke with my Pastor and he suggested that maybe she’s not saved. That never crossed my mind. She always plays the victim with no money and her church has come through for her many times. I believe she has taken advantage of them and also the family. At my church I had someone whose actions did not meet their words. We both sat down with our Pastor and worked things out. Christian’s aren’t perfect and we also need guidance. There are wolves in sheep’s clothing everywhere. Don’t let these individuals deceive you.
It’s been interesting for me recently reading over the history of a few minor religious movements, with my recent studies on personality disorders in mind, and seeing how narcissism easily fits as an explanation for some of the leaders of these groups. And I say this as a religious person who finds extraordinary value in religion and in the study of religion. However I think it’s worth keeping in mind that religion is a perfect place for a narcissist to hide b/c it’s a place where it’s almost impossible to call them out on their bullshit.
I’ve had a few horrible narcissistic relationships in my life because I had two narcissistic parents. The one thing that always made me run in the opposite direction was when some guy told me he had the hotline to God. Uh oh, feet don’t fail me now. For me that was a huge red flag. And believe me I wasn’t able recognize too many. Thank you Dr. Ramanl. Your articles are wonderful.
Thank you for this! I was duped so badly last year by a ‘super spiritual friend’ who I was convinced was so perfect and pure. The whole spiritual thing is a cover that I cannot believe I fell for…in my 40’s! However, lesson learned. Her behaviour never matched her words, a liar, thief, a user/abuser, adultress, manipulator, control freak etc etc. We all have to be aware that narcissists can be any type of person and spirituality and religion are perfect places for them to hide.
I have a relative who criticized everything I did in regards to individual choices from music, to art, to movies, lifestyles, etc. She supposedly has a direct website to God who tells her these things. Even when my dad was on his death bed she made some comment about going to hell. You really have to know when to cut these people off and not let them control your life.
It been over 2 months that I moved out and left a 13 year relationship with my narc and he used to read the Bible in the mornings and in the evenings every single day. After all these years I never knew about NPD until 5 months ago when I caught him cheating with an individual out of state which made me do my detective work and look into EVERYTHING. What I found just crushed me. He had 5 long term relationship going all at the same time while living with me, while we are remodeling our new home, while we are planning on a retirement location out of state and while he was playing like he fit in with my family and deeply cared for my kids and grandson. He and I did not have kids together but my kids lived with us and he had a strong bond with my son and my grandson. However, once I had access to his phone bill I was able to call every female he had been carrying on a long term relationship with, they all confirmed how long they had been with him. 2 out of the 5 didn’t know about me and the other 3 were married as well so they didn’t care. The two that didn’t know about me, one of them moved to our state to be with him but he told her that he was going to counseling with me to try to work things out so she was crushed but left him alone. But the other one who is 15 yrs younger then him has been talking to him for almost a year. She decided not to believe the fact that he’s been cheating with several women, & that he and I had been living together for almost 7 yrs out of the 13 yrs we’ve been together; she decided to give him a chance because he’s “such a nice guy” and “he’s so spiritual”.
My sister is able to convince anyone of her goodness, kindness and compassion when I know from experience that she has no regard for any of the people who admire her and are drawn to her. She is in the later stages of heart failure and is still willingly fools the people who are being extra kind to her at this time. I was one of them once again for a while, but never again. I honestly don’t know how she can sleep at night. I made the decision to drop contact with her when she once again used something very painful from the past against me. I’ve lost some mutual friends because they feel I’ve abandoned her in her time of need. I’m trying to find my way through all of this.
Dr. Ramani, As per usual at the completion of one of your articles, I am left with the feeling that I wish you were my sister, though I feel as you already are. You are so approachable and no nonsense….I just love these attributes and you’re one smart cookie to boot. My one and only child was born from a relationship I had with a narcissist and he was everything you ever talk about with the classic narcissist. I don;t regret having my child however if I had a do-over button I would hit reset in a moment. The complications that this person has caused myself and my daughter should be considered crimes against humanity and punishable by law! The trauma from it all has caused me some very BIG emotional issues that have taken me years to even recognize and it’s a feeling of lost time we can never get back unfortunately. I hope you know how much you have helped me. Sending you my love and warmest affections from Indiana! TGIF!!
this is so very true …my x used religion to control, for me to submit … hard to be that kind of a women while they curse you and speak all kinds of evil against you breaking you down daily, even during the Holidays ….. then go stand in church with them on Sundays. When they then say they have repented but you can still do nothing right to please them, still the constant complaints and ugly words…the attitude still stands. There is no repentance…. with repentance comes change. I’m no contact now…. FREE and starting to heal from the abuse…. going on 2 months no contact.
Yes, mine got out of jail, said he found God, said all the right things and I allowed him back in, no sooner probation was done, 1 year later back to all out and lots of new tricks up his sleeve!! They will use ANY thing they can !!!!! I am trying to take my life back as MINE!!!! Lots of hard work!!! Determined to live a real and true life!!!!!
Dr. Ramani, you’re brilliant. I’ve been perusal your articles for a little while now, it started in attempting to figure out whether I have a narcissistic parent. Much to my surprise, you made me realize I was in a religious cult, and you’re part of the reason I decided to leave about two weeks ago. As if by divine grace, in this article you describe exactly the person that put me under a spell… and many, many others. Hopefully they’ll wake up soon. Thank you so much, the information you’re putting out is extremely valuable.
Oh wow. Yes. I’ve experienced something like this recently. I moved away from organised religion but did follow one particular online website. I actually made the fatal error of questioning some of the things I was hearing and expressing concern. Rather than make a deal out of it on the website I emailed the person whose website it is directly to go to him with my concerns.He ignored my email. Then on his next article referred to an email he had received from ‘an individual ‘ which had impacted him negatively. He basically went on to reference parts of my email, omitted the full essence of it, and therefore completely misrepresented what I had actually said. Initially I was concerned that I’d offended him, so rather than take a minute to centre myself and be able to see exactly what was happening, I sent an email apologising to him. I never heard back. Now I scratch my head and just wonder how I ended up apologising for expressing valid concerns that had in some way clearly rattled him. I was also just horrified that as he referred to me as ‘an individual ‘ he went onto give a really inaccurate and distorted account of my concerns. I had no way of defending myself as I wasn’t part of the discussion on his website. I guess I was being punished by the silent treatment I have no clue how there is no accountability. I feel that narcissism in faith groups stings a little differently. You just kind of ultimately know what’s happened, but the confusion and the disbelief at the time is really awful
Dr Ramani, This really resonated with me. My X husband was the church Angel and house devil. He did a lot of religious things…tithed 10% of his income to the church, drove the church bus to pick up handicapped people, plowed the churches parking lot, read the bible, etc. But at home, constantly out me down, punched holes in walls, talked about a lot of people, made a big deal if I spent ten dollars for a short at wal mart. Said that he had to do away with me in order to do “Gods will”!!!!! And then in the end….screwed me in the divorce too and had already had another woman which he married not long after the divorce. So, he was also cheating too! Yet, in the church raising his hands being a complete phony… Beware……these people are out there!
You’re spot on. I won’t go into detail, but what my ex-wife did to me was disgusting. She’s not a leader in her church, but she did leave our church and took our kids with her to a church where she volunteered in the nursery. She cared more about looking good and children than she cared about our marriage. She went to a church that publicly says they don’t support divorce and then divorced me on zero grounds after 22 years. She became a very deceptive person in church, finances, marriage commitment, etc. Our two elder daughters are following her lead now too. As I told her, “You can get rid of me, but you’re not going to get rid of your problems.”
Thank you for Validating me! I feel SO unheard!! My Sister and Mother are Spiritual Narcissists. I have stepped away from the Family. I am the Scapegoat. All I hear from others, is I NEED to forgive them for what they have done. I understand, there comes a time for Forgiveness, but honestly the Pain is SO DEEP that it will take me my entire life to move past the Abuse. They cover up themselves with lies, deception and protecting the Pedophilor in the Family. I just can’t understand that!! 😢😢
Thank You Dr. Ramani for addressing this subject faster then I thought. For anyone that is religious or not religious don’t let the behavior of a narcissistic person in your life destroy your beliefs in God. Keep going on your path they are only using religion to destroy others. The Devil work in my opinion. I am a victim of JW and a narcissist and because I kept forgiving him I got hurt over and over but finally I have put all my faith and hope in God i have won the battle. People can be at peace and can get over this, I am living proof. Best of luck to everyone reading my comment.
Wow, thank you for this article! I spent the last two years of my life in an Islamic marriage for the sake of God, in which I experienced every single thing that you mentioned in this (and all of your other) articles. It was insanely confusing to navigate as a new convert, I literally had no idea the religion was being twisted and was being used for insanity and HYPOCRISY! After finally just exiting this relationship, I can’t tell if I need domestic violence counseling, narcissistic abuse counseling, Islamic counseling, or what! On top of tthat, entering a confusing state prosecuted criminal case. It’s seriously one thing after another, nothing makes ANY sense, religiously or rationally. All I can do is keep listening to your YouTube articles and keep walking myself through the reality of the situation with logic. Thank you Dr Ramani, bless you!!!!!
I put the pieces together last night at 43 yrs old. My father was a pastor and used extremely covert is narcissism. I’m a helper/scapegoat role. Currently in an abusive relationship which triggered the realization of the childhood abuse. When I saw the information it was very accurate and brought up a intense anger. My younger brother who I think only was a scapegoat attempted vehicular suicide at 16 and was soon labeled paranoid schizophrenic. My father then had him arrested and committed to a state psychiatric asylum which also stored violent patients for rape and murder. I was the only person in my family who gets visited him more than I have. It took 3 years of nearly daily visits to get him out. He was the most loving person I ever met. He never recovered and died at 35. But it wasn’t in a real life horror asylum. I love you Mike and miss you so much. Also fuck you dad.
Wow these articles are saving my life…yes, small town, small family church all my life sister-in-law who lives 40 feet from me…these narc behaviors having been going on with me and my family for 40+ years…and finally in the past year able to name it with a million red/flags and fitting the mold exactly…yes sending me Bible verses private facebook messages now with Corona virus spread…and hasn’t spoken to me in a year. Even though there is NO authenticity or trust left/its hard to gray-rock in a small area/vicinity, family, church, neighbor when she affects everyone in my life – and so nice to people in the front lines…they are supply and do not know it…the hardest situation that has involved almost my whole life. Thank you so very much!!!!
Yup i came into christianity in my late teens. Married a spiritual/self- righteousness narc. Left said church a year and 3 months after I filed for divorce…spent 16 years in ut. Landed in the “conscious”/law of attraction/hippy dippy/ feminine spirituality. Left that after 8 years or so. It is disgusting how as I look back I can see so many of my mentors/teachers/coaches were/are narcs …and esp With law of attraction I can see how narcs use the ideas to teach others how to “justify ANYTHING” …ie teaching empaths how to be narcs. No thank you. I don’t need a religion or spiritual practice to tell me how to be a kind, empathetic and compassionate person (that really just give more cover to the narc teachers teaching this!) I needed teachings like yours to help me put boundaries on my empathy outwards and be a bit more detached from the world
Thank you. I served in full time ministry for 14 years. You provided a lot of validation of what I experienced and the troubled people, their gas lighting, hypocrisy, and all of the other things you mentioned. These people crushed everyone around them and destroyed a lot of good work that was occurring. Sadly, so many people refused to see them for what they were and even though others had been victims they had also received something from the perpetrators or were in fear of retaliation so when it came time to address the issues they would not, allowing the narcissist to play the victim and turn people against what was good for them. For some reason I encountered more people like this in ministry than in the marketplace. Now I can understand why. I choose a few years back to return to the marketplace and what you described is a major reason for that decision.
I’m a conservative Latin rite Catholic Christian. Love my religion, and it actually healed most of my problems in life, and gave me meaning I didn’t have before my conversion, and it’s my main centerpiece of life. However, I unfortunately have to agree with you in this article that the greater majority of people I go to church with and even in other religions and non Catholic churches are extremely narcissistic, and insanely unchristlike. It’s gotten frustrating for me to the point where I’ve now decided to not even talk to other people at mass, and just go for my own spiritual well being. I just notice too that with these religious narcissists, their beliefs revolve more around men and community, rather than with God, and practicing meditation. It’s sad but an unfortunate reality.
I’m so happy someone brung this up especially with spirituality. This new shit with Tarot readings. My ex narc literally used tarot readings as the reason why they now were right for cheating, lying, gaslighting, character assassination, etc . Literally begged me to give them a chance to show they can change but 2 days later I call her and she tells me that tarot articles told her that she needs/ is meant to be with her ex that she cheated with and was not empathetic about it just gave a I wish you best but i did what I did and I need to follow my true path. A waste of 5 years. But a blessing frfr because I was so tired of the bs.
Religion is meant to be the tool to expres person’s love towards God and other people. Althought it is also used as a tool to show off and in this case is just another role to play. Like the Doctor said, judge person by their actions and behaviour, they are the true fruit of spiritual life. Do not judge by the opinions, that are just the words, just the leaves – they might look nice but will never feed the hungry.
Absolutely true Dr Ramani. I just learnt that if he is sound in his character, not just sound in his knowledge then it’s safe. Initially, I thought that all religious people that are knowledgeable must be safe around. No no no. His character and behaviour must also be sound to be safe around. Now I know when I’m already middle aged because of my changing mindset. I used to have a fixed mindset, such as the above, no divorce policy, etc. Now I look at middle ground, grey areas etc. and learn to understand decree, provided that we have done our best effort. I learnt that you can’t separate psychology and spirituality but you can separate from the toxic people most importantly, territorially. Thanks for your talk on this topic.
My story!!! My church couldn’t believe what was happening when I met with them and told them how my husband was abusing my children and I. I followed me gut, left my marriage and got a restraining order. A year and a half later…my restraining order has held in place while my ex was promoted to leadership in the church and anyone that attended is now his flying monkey. The Leadership at the church even testified on his behalf at our domestic violence hearing and they looked like complete fools. He has been leading worship in church and talking about me during the service, bashing me and passing himself as a loving father and husband who did everything he could for his unstable wife 🤦🏼♀️ Masks always slip though. Recently a new pastor came in and caught onto what was going on but so much damage has already been done. I think the religious community is often vulnerable due to lack of healthy boundaries and the desire to help and forgive. Little do they realize the number of wolves out there that use them shamelessly. Thank you for putting this content out there!!! This is so validating to hear that this is a pattern with narcissism.
For the last 16 years I’ve lived in this cycle where my husband was physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abusive and then immediately after would go back to being super religious and apologize and then I was the “bad Christian” because I was “holding a grudge” by not forgiving or I was a bad wife for “condemning” him when I’d tell him he wasn’t going to change. Even his flying monkeys would say oh he’s back in church… he’s calm now… blah blah blah. No sir! I’ve been out for 3 months and have so much clarity now! A loving God would never be ok with the things he was doing to me.
Im here because I know someone who just wrote a book about their personal relationship to God. Went as far to say as he was “chosen” by God to be a spiritual leader. If he ever becomes a spiritual leader, the world is truly in trouble- he is the epitome of a narcissist. His book literally starts off by saying, “I am therefore I think. I was chosen by God to help you stop thinking.” I am not joking. It’s on Amazon.
Dr Ramini, I have had a narcissist that hid behind religion destroy my family. I trusted her because she seemed like such a devote Christian. But she was lying and conniving. My kids dad had been sober for 5 years and started drinking again. My oldest child ran away. She would undermine my parenting. You could make a box office hit or best seller out of what I went thru! It got really bad. She put on such a great face that people believed her. She ruined her kids dad and kept her own kids from him because she was jealous. She just hides behind religion. A friend of mines marriage fell apart after 17 years because of one of these fake Christians. I can’t stand them. They are heretics. Thank you for posting this!
This is MY PARENTS! 💯 They read the Bible, Listen to devotional songs and podcasts but they don’t seem to apply it in their own lives. IT WAS ALL A SHOW!!! I was fooled all my life because I thought they were a real Christian with flaws, until I realized it was the other way around. I can’t wait to move out. I’m almost 30 and I’ve finally figured it all out and I’m done! 😇🙏 *Cheers to all of us! 🥂✨ We got this! 💪 I thank God I knew all of it before my golden year. I can’t wait to make the most out of my 30’s and reclaim the life I deserve! 💕💕💕
Wow…This is my Mom, unfortunately. Growing up and to this day, I always loved fantasy and magical things. I had a big interest in feeling a connection to nature and animals even from a very young age as well. These interests were always looked down on constantly by my mother, who always made it clear that these things were evil or gateways to more evil things. When quesfioned about anything, she often told us she had a “spirit of discernment” that helped her see the evil in things that no one else in my family seemed to be able to notice. This always gave her control and power, because if you went against her, no matter what the subject, you were basically questioning God.
I had a friend who was super spiritual! She was very much the “we are all connected and loved”, type. Then she did the deed with my boyfriend at a party we were both at… in the room right next to me! When I confronted her, she went into a narcissistic rage, deflecting, blaming, lying. I was like OMG WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU EVEN ABOUT?! She was so zen before this happened but it was really a facade. It was so so shocking. I might make a storytime about it! If anyone is interested in seeing it, like this comment to let me know!
I was the youngest of ten children, so I have no memory of my grandparents. When I reached adulthood, and had my own family, I was informed that my grandfather was very religious. He also blamed, and punished my dad for being born early, and never stopped throwing it in his face that he shamed our family. I was flabbergasted and speechless when I heard this. I have a brother who consistently and persistently threw it in my face that I shamed our family every time I experienced a setback. This brother, I now see, was doing the same thing my grandfather did to my dad. The family pattern of Christian narcissistic behavior carried through. I’m 73, and learning to finally put into proper perspective, how messed up my family was, is, and your posts, and individual therapy are helping me heal. I don’t want to leave this life carrying a bunch of past baggage. So, thank you Dr. for what your doing. Bless you.
Hello. My mother wasn’t a strong church going person. She hurt me a lot when I was a kid. When she was dying she asked me for forgiveness for everything she did to me. I told her I just wanted her to feel better. I didn’t forgive her. The pain, and emotional abuse she inflicted on me was unforgivable. I just stayed quiet afterwards. She got angry at me, and I could tell she wanted to curse me out. She gave me a nasty look. That was the last time I felt in control of my mental state. She couldn’t hurt me anymore.
My Ex Narcissist boyfriend went thru RCIA and after his confession claimed that since the priest forgave him for all his sins then all that he did to me was to be forgiven automatically by me (as if it NEVER happened!)…all the lies, cheating,debt was to be erased, my feelings didn’t matter because God forgave him —It was disturbing to see his ego get to such a grandiose proportion and still have ZERO empathy
I recently exposed this kind of thing to be hauled over hot coals by other Christians. The goal posts of how I “sinned” kept changing – I’m vengeful, unforgiving, etc. When none of it proved sustainable, it became that my anger = pride, bitterness, I have no “heart” for the abusers. The irony is I feel I’m the only one who cares about everyone concerned. If you love the abuser, past, future victims you’ll stop them in their tracks, even if it hurts them and costs you. Thank you for acknowledging and expressing your anger 🙏🏽😭
You shared a lot of truth that I hope will shine light in the darkness and set people free from spiritual abuse. My ex-husband was (is) a vulnerable narcissist and pastor who left churches in shambles. Eventually, I recognized his toxicity and became a pastor myself to hopefully help bring healing to people who have been spiritually abused. Thankfully, our denomination eventually recognized it and revoked his credentials. I hope that more Boards of Ordained Ministry learn about how to recognize this.
Thank you once again for your education. More self awareness.. am a very lucky woman too come across your articles.. I am stronger. Learning more about self love.. Learning more about myself each day. I was born into a narc life .with the education I am now freeing myself and for once in my life am feeling really good about myself. Can’t thank you enough. Thank you.
Thanks for this article Dr Ramani, I love them all, and I am very grateful you are there. It is so strange to me that I still want to think well of people in general, but I am glad that I am not being left alone and that there are people like you who still remain me that I can find good people out there. I want to share that I was traumatized only by what certain priests or articles on the internet said, but mainly by certain parts of what is written in the Bible. I was traumatized by the Bible itself!!! that is my truth. Psychologically speaking, I can honestly say that I dont know anymore what to believe or think about the “Love” of God, in the sense of feeling obliged to constantly feel bad about myself for being human and on top of that one must add the wound of a narc father. And now my PTSD has two sources of traumatic stress: RELIGIOUS TRAUMA AND FAMILIAL/NARCISISITC TRAUMA. So I identified I projected the love of God onto the “love” of my narc father, and on top of that, as if it wasnt enough wounded already, I am being preached in the pages of the Bbile that “i better” take with love the abuse of my father and accept my sins for having a logical/neurological reaction reaction to an abnormal, demonic-like type of behaviour in the family of origin. On top of that, I have read in the pages of the Bible that the bad things that the narc father did to me were God’s will, to “HUMBLE ME? from thinking to high of my empathy. So, I am sure you can see my mind ended up being a mess with all this facts going on at once in my head.
This was so refreshing. My dad is a narcissist but I still struggle to believe it. I always hold out for hope that he is capable of love and understanding but he isn’t. (At least not in the way I expect…gotta let go of those expectations) Anyway, the last two years he has become righteous all of a sudden. This man never went to church a day in his life except on holidays when my mom made him and suddenly he is pushing his belief system on my husband and I. He asked what we believed and my poor husband thought he really wanted to know. After listening to my husband explain his beliefs, my dad laughs and says “here’s why you’re wrong” I wondered if narcissism could exist in religion, spirituality or other beliefs. Thanks for helping shed some light
Both of my parents are/were like this. They like to use religion as a way to control people. “You shouldn’t do this because x ” “Doing that makes you a low life; it says so in the bible.” Ect. Literally just had an argument about this with a family member last week. It’s reassuring to know it wasn’t just my imagination.
My mother used religion as a bludgeon to manipulate and control the whole family with shame, guilt, and fear to extract whatever resources she could from all of us, to rationalize and validate all of her own horrible behavior to herself, and as a shield to deflect any and all criticisms directed at her so she never needed to take accountability for her own actions. Fortunately she’s been out of my life for roughly 20 years now, and I don’t trust anyone who openly identifies as “religious” or “very religious.” No thanks very religious person, you might be great but please keep it moving.
The two narcissists I’ve been with in my life, one is my ex from 8 yrs ago and also now my husband who I’m separated from. Unfortunately I had a son with each. Both claim to be Christians and follow God. But both the same, deceitful, lying, manipulative, hypocrital abusive in different forms. I confided in my husband about my past relationship with that narcissistic ex since he pretended to care and encouraged me to share these past hurtful things with him. He gathered all that information to use against me and twist and now they are friends and use each other to discredit me and smear me while they play victim together. It is sickening and the pain of this betrayal is so deep. I feel like I’m at square one again trying to heal myself all over again after years of recovering from the ex, now to do that all over again from my husband pretending to come as an angel of light only to drag me back down again. These are the worst people I’ve ever met in my life. My husband used the Bible to justify his abuse and to his advantage to try and control everything about me including my own diet. They have a fake Christian persona online and to outsiders but their masks fall off and their demons manifest behind closed doors. My husband told me after my emergency c section with our son when we both nearly DIED because my husband didn’t take it seriously when I was hemorrhaging that morning and told by the hospital to hurry up and come in but he stalled in taking us that god wanted me dead and he knew i was suppose to die for my sins and not obeying him?
I was married for 23 years with a narc, I try to do everything possible to help her. Please don’t waste your time, I spoke with pastor they talk to her and she make fun of them. People is no cure for this people. Waste energy on recuperate your self, move on run don’t look back, they bad people they don’t feel what you feel, they empty souls, they are a big block of ice. If you don’t want to lose your self or become crazy or physically sick RUN. Thank you Dr. for your knowledge.
TOPIC: Can we talk about narcissists in corporate America, but focus on what I refer to as their “cosigners”? The narcissist’s cosigners are the ones who really piss me off because they entertain their shenanigans. Most employees see these toxic individuals coming from a mile away but management constantly reminds oblivious.
Loved this article. The biblical passage that comes to mind is Matthew 7:15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits.” It looks like human nature hasn’t changed much since the text was written and the rules for identifying these narcissist today are the same as yesterday.
I wish I’d known this a year ago. I would have not been so devastated as I was since months. Yes, the hypocrisy of these ‘spiritual narcissists’ is galling. I met him online, he was a hyper spiritual follower of Isha foundation. The things he preached! About Karma, Shiva, Shakti and whatnot. I couldn’t bring myself to doubt him though his behaviour was very unsettling most times, thinking, ‘but he’s so spiritual.’ He always had the perfect answer, the perfect rationalisation for every wrong behaviour of his. Took only what suited him of what Sadhguru, Mooji, and others talk about and preached to me ‘Don’t have any desire.’ But what he is, what he did, has brutally hurt me. He led me to believe he was interested in marrying me, involved my family too, but says he never wanted marriage, doesn’t believe in it, when I refused to have sex with him. Had an affair all that time, with a married lady whom he addressed as sister, and when I confronted him, says, ‘Love is universal, don’t limit your companionship.’ And goes ahead to say, he would love to ‘keep us both in the same house.’ Marriage creates karmic memory, but sexual relationships with multiple partners doesn’t. What a rationalisation! Though Sadhguru has elaborately spoken about runanubandha, and having a single partner, to reduce karmic memory, this ‘hypocritic yogi’ twisted things to suit his needs. He just wanted sex, but doesn’t like anyone seeing him being less than a yogi, in his words, one who only wants Shiva. Hence all the pretense to lure innocent women.
I grew up being surrounded with people like what you have just described. Thank you for addressing this issue. In addition, please feel free to address the religious aspect of being married to narcissist and both being deeply rooted in the church, what do we do, what now? Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. Wonderful advice
Totalmente cierto, estoy empezando un proceso de separación con mi pareja de 15 años, quien adora a la virgen cuando años antes me criticaba por yo hacerlo y ahora tiene una mezcla de religiones que ni el entiende, justo asi despues de herirme se persigna y a toda la gente le envia bendiciones etc. Es muy doloroso pero saldremos mis hijos y yo adelante. Mil gracias por todo lo que nos enseña y nos ayuda a abrir los ojos y entender.
Thank you for sharing this. My ex-manager who I believe is a narcissist, would preach about religion, her prayers and forgiveness at the workplace all the time. But she would continue to belittle me at work, anonymously report me to the police and ruined my relationships with my own family. I am still trying to figure out why people like this hide behind religion.
Dr. Ramani, I would love to hear even more about this topic. I think this is something that is probably even more prevalent today than at the time of the article due to social media. I now see a lot of esoteric things in the stores like crystals, beads, buddha statues, meditating animal statues, etc. I wanted to share something that happened recently with my MIL who is most definitely a spiritual/esoteric narcissist. She told us that we cannot be angry at people and we must forgive them. Holding onto anger is bad for us and it makes us sick. That might sound all well and good, and it’s a long story but she was trying to get us, particularly my husband, to not hold her or anyone else accountable and to get him to stop having boundaries with people. She has said this many times. She basically is saying if someone hurts us its us, if we are angry its us, if we got hurt its us. Like blaming yourself for the issues you have with people, for what THEY did. It makes me sick. Would love to hear more about this topic. Editing to add, I mentioned social media and items I’m seeing in stores because it makes me wonder if these things are now more accessible to narcissists.
Christian zealotry was a useful tool in my mother’s arsenal of narcissistic weapons. Impossible to win an argument when one is just a child because adult narcissists are NEVER wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. They absolutely refuse to take responsibility for their words and/or actions, harmful as they are to others. Childhood was a Spartan existence, school, chores, church twice on Sunday, every Sunday no matter what. Fun happened now and then. Normal affection and encouragement were scarce. Of course I thought that weekly drudgery passed for normal at the time, later it became obvious many things were very wrong. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your wonderful work and communication, you’re a special lady indeed.
I am almost 65 years old and I have to say I have just recently been exposed to the meanest, cruelest, coldest, toxic person in my entire life and it has ended up being my own narcissistic very religious sister who prides herself and boasts about going to church every day. Now come to find out my other sister is and has been my entire life her flying monkey and recently turned on me as well. They are both in their 60’s, single, never been married and only interact with each other – no room for me in their lives.
One hundred percent to them using religion as a coverup for their narcissistic behavior. As you talk on this subject, the thoughts have resonated memories of ill feelings. I am very grateful you have discussed this subject. SO TRUE. I am very thankful to you. God bless you with wisdom as you help us navigate these challenges in life. ❤
This is true wisdom! My therapist who happened to be so religious, kept telling me that I need to believe in a God! When I clicked on this article I expected to hear about atheist people! I can’t believe I let my therapist make me feel like I’m a narc and that something is truly wrong in believing that the universe is indifferent to cruelty! 🤦🏻♀️🤢😭 I failed once again to detect the narc and allowed them to abuse me! Why can’t I stop this!? Why do I keep trusting the wrong people! Why are they everywhere I go?
Wow, my soon to be ex-wife used to tell me all the time that I was being manipulated by the devil whenever I disagreed with her. Come to think of it she was right, I think she is the Devil 🤔. Your articles are very educational and helped me have a better point of view in my situation thanks a million. Left the relationship recently and she’s been trying to call, sending threatening and insulting texts, but somehow still says that she has God’s grace and he will provide for her while demanding that I pay her alimony, pure hypocrisy. And to those that are struggling, God sees what we’ve been through and when the time is right you’ll be provided with the willpower and spiritual strength needed to walk your path to your ultimate destiny. Much love and prosperity for all.
The story of my brother in law. He is a “missionary” (actually missionary support) and he always says evil stuff to me when no other family are around, like “are you still working at your useless software job?”. He will apologize if I call him out in front of others, but will immediately go back to his bad behavior. He told me I had no right to talk to others about God since I’m not a missionary like him. When my only child passed, my sister and him didn’t even reach out, yet our relatives all worship them because they had 6 kids and are always visiting relatives to get more missionary funds, so they always treat me like I’m lying if I tell anyone about these bad experiences. He will frequently team up with my younger brother and Dad and they will all have some secret get together and never invite me.
My ex-husband who I met in Bible school was just like this. And he totally weaponized my religious devotion against me. Fortunately my family and faith community was supportive of me getting away from him when I eventually woke up, but that took 12 years. Please consider doing a podcast with Sheila Gregoire of Bare Marriage, whose team is doing peer reviewed research into how bad evangelical teachings harm women and marriages.
I explored religion originally to protect my ex from their fundamentalist parents. I became a genuine convert, though I rarely attended church. It helped me find a sense of purpose in the cosmos. But it had some downsides. It reinforced my codependent traits, in turn I was encouraged to grant my partner more latitude with my finances and with my sense of self than was ever healthy. I said to myself that I lived to provide love and care to this person. That it was a way of honoring Christ. As the relationship became more toxic, I was convinced it was a holy thing to unconditionally just take this person’s pain and frustration into myself. When they bullied me, I refused to fight back directly. Only asking for their motives (the big “don’t ask a narc ‘why?’” thing). I did not draw boundaries. At the end of the relationship, they said “my obsession” with religion was one of the reasons they were discarding me for somebody else. Yet the person they now have a relationship with is also a Christian who shares almost all of the same theological beliefs as I do. Literally telling me, “they’re like you, just different … and better!” Smh. TL;DR: ex is “spiritual but not religious” and was threatened by me, claimed I was re-traumatizing her and then started dating someone with a near identical interest in faith and religious practice.
So, I grew up in a church fellowship. My dad was an elder and an honorary uncle was another. There were other people who came regularly and some not so regularly. There were tensions off and on in the group and I did not understand the undercurrent as my mother and some of the other grown women hid it from us. I thought that my honorary uncle was kind and giving as he would always give us candy, toys, and even a few pets. Holiness and sanctification were preached and I felt like these men’s lives were the epitome of Godliness that the rest of us could never quite measure up to. Well, my dad never made me feel like I was not measuring up unless I had given him a real reason(like lying or being unkind). If I told him I had repented he accepted it and we would go on from there. The “uncle” one day stepped down from being an elder and had his grown son take his place as he said the position was going to his head. He was still the main preacher, though. Years went by and I admired the son who seemed very sincere. My dad did too and when I turned 18 I found out through his sisters that he admired me from a distance. We married soon after that(his dad pushed it HARD). He marriage counceled us and my first real red flag was sitting in the room where he told me that sometimes my husband would get melancholy and I needed to just give him space. I laughed and said that would not be hard as I sometimes had the same thing. He snapped at me saying that I needed to get out that! So, my husband could be melancholy at times, but I had to be bubbly and happy ALL THE TIME?
My dad is not just a narcissist but a sociopath and a minister although now without a church, still writes books on Christianity and teaches theology (has a PhD). When I was a kid he would joke about not believing in God, he was not kidding but knew all of us thought he was. It was not until I was older I realized it was no joke he would even explain it like this “well if a doctor smokes and tells others not to why can’t I be a priest without faith?”
Great article. Religion and narcissism needs to be talked about. Many bibles or similar, disempower people, particularly women. People are often expected to forgive murderers. ‘they just made a mistake’. Mothers are expect to support her children now matter what they do, women are expected to wear head scarves or hats, or not have their hair long etc. Many killers hide behind the Halo effect
Yes! I have run into MANY narcissists in churches. I currently work for a televangelist who is one. I also have worked for 2 other TV evangelist that are. One of them I did the marketing for him to buy a plane from Tyler Perry. I wanted to be a minister myself but after experiencing a lot of spiritual abuse I no longer believe in organized religion. Ironic that I work in one promoting it for a paycheck. But I’m working on that. My bosses kids are narcissists too. They have literally told me they don’t care about the people they just want to be famous
Oh my goodness! I really thought (briefly) because he used his “faith” he was not a narcissist. I thank goodness the veil was ripped off quickly and I now in the middle of a divorce. Unfortunately, I have his former friends reaching out to me and stating that he is using his religion as a weapon against them. One went as far to state “he is a fanatic, like Boko Haram.” He is in the midst of pushing everyone away from him. I do feel sad for him but will never go towards him again. Thank you for your insight!!!
Facts!!! This is what I’m dealing with now. I’m divorcing my husband whose an Elder in the church and he tells me “God is not pleased with you (me)”, “you don’t have a biblical reason to divorce” …”God sent you to me to be my wife, no way he’s told you to divorce me”…:he’s had “encounters with God” where he says God has told him he’s not pleased with me. I’m serious about my relationship with God, so this is a tactic to guilt and shame me into staying …
I was devastated when my now ex-husband threatened divorced unless I stopped going to my church. He felt my church was false so he felt justified! He did not have his own church home. I spent three years with him threatening me then when I said I will not stop going to my church, he would always back down, sort of. He even agreed to go to a marriage counselor so he could “set me straight”. Then he refused to go to counselor and threatened divorce if I went. Doctor Ramani you nailed it! No, this wasn’t his only tool for manipulation and control but the path that led to divorce and thankfully set me free!
Thank you for the information. I had been thinking about this topic after looking at several of your articles. The guy I had been dating, initially, came off as being Christ centered. We talked about his journey (story). I started seeing red flags when I saw xenophobic tendencies which diametrically opposed what I was taught. The 2nd was that he refused to have a church home. He would talk about his ministry (helping recently released prisoners). It only seemed he associated with the local Christian communities for funds and resources. When ever I would talk about various ministries where he could learn, grow, and receive guidance, I got shut down quickly. He would say, “God and me have a deal” (bright blinding red light). I started getting really nervous when he started telling me very personal PII type information (negative) about the people he was helping as well as some of his fellow workers in his ministry.. I got scared when I witnessed a fit of rage towards a recently released individual. He used a lot of profanity and yelling. When the person left, he started telling me what he could arrange to have done to the guy. I figured he was just blowing off steam. I talked about praying and the scripture of “In your anger do not sin”. He looked at me like I was craxy. I didn’t understand how everything escalated. The issue was about the guy having food in his room or leaving crumbs on the kitchen floor. Honestly I only remember; it was over a minor issue (to me). Once I started seeing that he was himself was a contradiction, I think I went into gray rock mode (automatically, like it was a default mode (learned behavior) when looking back.
My eyes finally opened up last year when I took someone whom I called my daughter on vacation. This deeply spiritual woman was cruel enough to grab my cane and run away laughing in public, in front of witnesses. When I verbalized my distaste for this behaviour, I was called a liar and told that God will punish me. She is an active leader in her church. This article has hit the nail on the head. I went no contact immediately.
I had a friend, her ex-husband told her she had to do whatever he said because the Bible said so. First of all, the Bible doesn’t say that and there’s tons of strong females in the Bible. Second of all, my friend is now happily divorced and dating the greatest guy ever now. I’ve set boundaries with narcissistic “friends” and my mental health has been so much better & happier this past year. Thanks for all the great articles, Dr. Ramani.
I had a room mate who went from being into spirituality to an evangelical christian. The path she walks is her own, and I respect it, unfortunately, she doesn’t respect mine. I believe in God, but have no religion, she assumes I’m into new age, when I’m not, I like to think I’m in the present age. She used to tell me that when she was still in spirituality that she was a narcissist, but by observing her behaviour, even now being religious, she’s still a narcissist. She tried many times to see if she could “fix” me and exorcise the demons out of me, I think she needs to worry more about herself, and spend a little less time worrying about what I do. A spiritual journey is very personal and is very unique to every person, I wish her all the best in hers.
Finally, the topic I needed is addressed!! The prior pastor of my church is a covert narcissist who had no problems in betraying confidences shared during a private “counseling” session. Also, I had the misfortune of having to work with a church member that’s a classic, overt, malignant narcissist who manifests all the traits that go with this type of narcissism. It’s been tough.
Another great article Dr R, thank you……I just wanted to add, that it’s not only the “overt” narcissists who are damaging….this is a breeding ground for “covert, passive-agressive” Narcissists to thrive in, and fly under the radar with their mean/sweet cycle behaviour, and their false humility…have seen it time and time again….and because of systems of heirachy…they go to the people “above” them on the “ladder”, and say how concerned they are about someone else (when they are really the opposite of concerned)…or say that another person is abusing them…when it’s totally the other way around. The target, also has to be very careful who they call out their personal abuse to, as well…so many flying monkeys, and enablers, to discredit or silence them….Truly horrifying!
My mother preached at me every day growing up. She also took me and my seven siblings to church after church. Cults, exorcisms, messianic Judaism, home churches, “apostles”, revivals, book burnings, demon-shunning, bizarre books, and on and on were a part of my youth. Whenever the spiritual high of a group or idea began to fade she’d find new enlightenment. She drifted to eastern religions and now new age ideas, even though she refuses to call the ideas by these names because she only wants to be “conscious.” If I’m doing what she wants I’m beautiful, smart, talented and loved. If I insist on a boundary she tells me I’m on a path to destruction, I need to repent, and no contact with her is “evil and wrong.” She refuses to take an ounce of responsibility for our falling out. I’ve cut her out. But, cutting out what felt like the voice of God for so many years is easier said than done!