📹 ELDERLY PARENTS FEEL ENTITLED? What might make a selfish aging parent tick and what to do about it
Some of our parents feel entitled and are self centered, some might call them self-absorbed. Dealing with self-absorbed elderly …
Why do elderly stop taking care of themselves?
Self-neglect is a complex issue involving various factors such as dementia, depression, disease, poverty, and isolation that can lead to an elder’s inability to take care of themselves. If an elder is clinically capable of making their own decisions, they can refuse help, and protective services providers like SeniorCare’s Protective Services Department must respect this decision. Elders with different self and societal pressures for self-care, such as caring for themselves and others, face challenges in self-identity and self-worth when moving into a phase of life where assistance is needed.
Many older adults fear that asking for help will lead to loss of independence and possible placement in a nursing home or other long-term care facility. However, accepting help can help individuals maintain their independence and live at home. SeniorCare’s mission is to provide and coordinate services to elders and others, enabling them to continue living at home and in their communities.
Do people get more selfish as they age?
Older adults often experience loneliness and fear when they lose control of their independence, leading to worry about their future and feelings of isolation. This fear can cause them to react selfishly and appear self-absorbed. Unresolved past trauma, whether from childhood or recent experiences, can also make older adults struggle with trusting others, making them appear more self-absorbed and difficult to deal with.
What causes lack of self-care?
Self-neglecting behaviors can stem from various factors such as brain injury, dementia, obsessive compulsive disorder, physical illness, medication side effects, addictions, and traumatic life changes. The Care Act 2014 includes self-neglect in chapter 14, requiring safeguarding duties for adults with care and support needs who are at risk of self-neglect due to their care and support needs. The potential harm is often a chronic risk originating from deep-rooted psychological issues.
Adults often struggle to recognize the risks they are facing and may lack mental capacity to meet their care needs. Assessing their executive functioning, which involves setting goals and executing them, is a crucial component in determining their mental capacity for specific decisions. This helps in ensuring that adults are able to protect themselves from potential harm.
Why do people get negative as they get older?
Depression is a prevalent concern among the elderly population, frequently precipitated by the loss of a spouse or other loved ones, a diminished sense of autonomy, and the loss of one’s primary residence. Such circumstances may precipitate a state of heightened emotional distress, manifesting as anger and emotional outbursts. Should you or someone you know be experiencing depression, it is of the utmost importance to seek medical assistance, as there are a plethora of efficacious medications and therapies available to help manage this condition.
Why do some people refuse to take care of themselves?
Self-neglect is a behavioral condition where an individual neglects their basic needs, such as personal hygiene, clothing, feeding, or managing medical conditions. It can be caused by brain injury, dementia, or mental illness, and can affect a person’s physical abilities, energy levels, attention, organizational skills, or motivation. There are two types of self-neglect: intentional (active) and non-intentional (passive). Intentional self-neglect occurs when a person makes a conscious choice to engage in self-neglect, while non-intentional self-neglect occurs due to health-related conditions.
Self-neglect is a serious and complex problem requiring clinical, social, and ethical decisions in its management and treatment. Without sufficient personal hygiene, sores can develop, minor wounds may become infected, existing health problems may be exacerbated, and the person may suffer from social difficulties and isolation.
Why do elderly reject help?
Lee A. Lindquist, a geriatrician at Northwestern Medicine, conducted focus groups on 70 participants aged 65 and older in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and Chicago. The research revealed that many older adults believe that accepting help will lead to leaving their homes for care settings, while not accepting help will enable them to stay in their homes longer. The research highlights several reasons why older adults are reluctant to accept help, including the need for more support and resources.
Why do people stop taking care of themselves?
Self-care often seems selfish and selfish, leading to feelings of guilt. People often believe that they deserve self-care and must earn it, but they struggle to see themselves as good enough to enjoy it. They also believe that self-care is time-consuming and that they are controlled by their circumstances, which can make them miserable and lead to poor coping.
To address these beliefs, one simple approach is to acknowledge and acknowledge the false beliefs that are preventing self-care. This can be done by noticing and acknowledging the negative commentary that is coming from your mind. This can help you to step back and let your mind continue to provide the negative commentary.
Regarding your mind as a talk radio station, you are not your noisy mind, and you are not the one that is playing in the background of your life. By recognizing and addressing these beliefs, you can put self-care higher on people’s priority lists and improve your overall well-being. This approach can even help even hardened healthcare providers who struggle with their health management.
Why do old people suddenly decline?
Functional decline is a common risk factor for older adults, particularly those with multiple chronic conditions, multiple prescription medications, and frequent hospitalizations. Baseline physical and functional assessments should be conducted upon admission to a facility and with every change in the patient’s condition. These assessments should evaluate the patient’s ability to complete activities of daily living, instrumental activities of daily living, and general mobility.
Current guidelines suggest that community-dwelling older adults should be assessed at least once a year, with more frequent evaluations recommended for patients with chronic diseases such as dementia and joint disease.
Standard functional assessments, such as the Katz Index of Independence in Activities of Daily Living and Lawton Instrumental Activities of Daily Living Scale, are widely used across settings. Nurses can provide valuable information about patients’ ability to perform self-care activities, encourage independent completion of ADLs, and ensure sensory devices are kept within reach. Functional decline may also occur progressively and be irreversible, such in patients with degenerative joint disease, dementia, Parkinson’s disease, heart failure, and cancer.
Primary care providers can assist in coordinating services for these patients, including physical therapists and occupational therapists, to encourage activity with routine exercise, range of motion activities, and regular ambulation. Pharmacists can monitor the negative effects of polypharmacy, particularly with psychoactive medications, sedatives, antihypertensives, and drugs that carry risk of hypoxia and hypoglycemia. Nutrition consultation with a registered dietitian can guide alterations to the patient’s diet to ensure sufficient protein and calorie intake.
At discharge, social workers can use functional status evaluations to plan care outside of the hospital, including short-term skilled care, home care, ongoing physical and occupational therapy, and utilization of community services. Health care organizations and agencies should focus on providing staff with adequate education to prevent hospital-acquired functional deconditioning among older adults.
Why do elderly act helpless?
Elderly people often exhibit child-like behavior due to confusion, loss of control, or depression. This can be due to deteriorating mental health, memory loss, or cognitive decline. As they age, they may act out to feel they can control their behavior and reactions to circumstances. Dementia can also cause child-like behavior, with symptoms such as mood swings, outbursts, irrationality, forgetfulness, and linguistic issues.
However, many caregivers often treat their loved ones like children due to superficial similarities, which can exacerbate behavior problems and degrade seniors. It is crucial to understand the underlying causes of these behaviors and work towards addressing them effectively.
Why are older people neglected?
Elder abuse can be attributed to various factors, including caregiver’s inability to manage stress, depression, lack of support, perception of care as burdensome, substance abuse, the intensity of the elderly person’s illness or dementia, social isolation, the elder’s past abusive role, a history of domestic violence, and the elder’s tendency towards verbal or physical aggression. Even nursing home staff may be prone to elder abuse due to lack of training, too many responsibilities, unsuitability for caregiving, or poor working conditions.
To prevent elder abuse and neglect, caregivers should seek help and support if they feel they are in danger of hurting or neglecting the elderly person. This may include controlling anger, expressing concern about behavior, or feeling emotionally disconnected or overwhelmed by the daily needs of the elderly person.
📹 Steps to Take When Aging Parents Need Help
When older adults begin to experience physical or mental health changes, like with dementia disorders, for example, it can be …
If you’ve ever said things like “OMG, my parent is so self-centered, I could be dying in the floor and they’ll still ask me for a glass of water!”, or “she has no appreciation for all that I do for her”, then this article might shed a little light on what might be going on, and what you can do about it!
My mom just got sick and I want to try to live my life. My mom always been self centered all my life.she just got sick and I’m taking full time care of her she knows I’m sbout to get married and I work 12 hour shifts at a e.r . She is only 67 I have to live with her take care of her 24 hours wash her clean up behind her . All she talks about is herself no matter how beat I am for work. It doesn’t matter cause she wants it . She us not trying cause i do everything she dont have old timers or anything she just self centered i am the only one who takes care of her she makes me feel like if I die I finally be at peace .
My mom is exactly like this. Entitled, self absorbed, selfish, self centered and mean. But this is nothing new because she has been this way her whole life except it’s 100 times worse now. My mom was very abusive to me as a child so I have a hard time now caring for her. She didn’t take care of me but now she expects me to take care of her.
I was emotionally, verbally, mentally abused by both parents as a child and into adulthood. Now that they’re old, I refuse to care for them. I can still barely care for myself with all the mental health issues they’ve created in me over the years. We dont ask to be born. We dont owe them our lives. Screw them. They can take care of themselves. My 90 yr old nan frustrates my mother to the point where she is just a burden now. I dont think its love. Its attachment, which ruins us in the end. We need to learn to de-attach from other humans, learn to let them go.
What’s saddest is when you have other family members who are selfish and don’t want to do their part. They pretend they don’t know what’s needed but in reality, they just want to live their lives and not be saddled down with the elderly. No one wants to clean fenced to urine, no one wants to be stuck indoors when they had rather be outdoors. I also have a life to live. Absolute worse is I have my own hardship medically and must give my strength to a disabled adult that happens to be a parent. Please pray for me. I need strength.
it’s about phases, you can’t keep living without changing your lifestyle to fit your phase. i worked hard to get my parents into a retirement community, it had so many great things i wanted to move there. my parents have been know it alls, narcissistic, all my life, it would have been a great end phase, but my mom said i’m not moving…but they can’t drive, my sister’s and i did the driving for a couple years, then they hired someone for 3 days a week, but covid hit and they couldn’t have someone coming in, so we’re back to driving to all these appointments, because they didn’t transition to their new phase, old people phase, you ride shuttles to appointments, your world does shrink. we change our lives as things change, single to marrired, married with children, married empty nesters…and old age with children who are now empty nesters….phases…transition. neither of my parents had to care for their older parents, i’m not going to make my kids take care of me, at some point i’ll be on that shuttle because i transition to my new phases.
Explaining older adult behaviors away does not help with the stress and impact on my mental health. It is like getting mugged and trying not to take the cuts and bruises personally. My mother is in the hospital again this week because she refuses to stay on a diet that will regulate her diabetes. So she gets infections. Has to be hospitalized. Gets tons of attention when she is sick. Gets well…returns to her care home. And then the cycle starts all over again.
My mother lives with me and is constantly complaining about everything, slamming things. Wants my constant attention and gets mad when I’m reading a book on my device instead of perusal the news with her. I’m anxious all the time. My life is not my own, and I’m middle aged now, so it won’t get better.
I care for my 68 year-old narcissistic father. It is pure HELL!!! I am to the point where I don’t even want to be around him. All he does is run his mouth every day. He doesn’t appreciate a damn thing that I do. We can’t have a peaceful day. Very terrible. He has every medical issue that you can think of. He fails to realize that the way he acts has a huge impact on why he has all of these issues. He’s just a lost cause at this point.
This is so comforting to hear. Whenever I try to voice these issues I’m immediately shut down by people who either brush it off as, “Oh, your grandmother is a sweet old lady. Don’t be so dramatic” or “She’s your grandmother! You owe it to her”. I hate that there’s this taboo of talking about elderly people in a negative way. Not every old lady is Betty White. Some are Livia Sopranos. It’s also difficult because I’m 28 and I’ve basically spent my entire adult life having to take care of her because nobody, until recently, was willing to help out. When will it be my turn to have my own life?
My mom is never wrong about anything. She judges everybody and if you don’t think exactly the way she does then you’re going to hell. She is so closed minded and it is her way or no way. We are so different sometimes I wonder if I’m really even related to her at times 🤦🏽♀️. Her and my dad’s marriage has been failing for at least 10yrs. I don’t think they want to get a divorce because they don’t want to look bad. Cool. Keep dragging each other down at this point. That is all they are doing. Just leave me alone!!!!!!!! Lol!
I was there for my three children and I took care of them they were my life. But now that I am older I get rude treatment. I get nothing but humiliating comments from my 47 year old. But now that I am retired and rent is too high for me I get the worst treatment. I sleep in my car with my two dogs and 6 parakeets in a cage. If my children offer financial help it comes with disdain until I simply give it back. I don’t want to hear find an apartment because no one of them is helping me. Where I live I have to prove 3 times the rent to rent I can’t My children doesn’t understand when my feet are so swollen until I can’t wear shoes. I have osteoarthritis and chronic high blood pressure. So some days I just can’t go anywhere. They all have big homes and good jobs. These are people that I work two jobs to support. But now that I am 66 years old they treat me rude until I don’t even want financial help from them because it comes with a condescending inferior feeling. I sleep in my car they don’t even call to say are you ok. So some parents are the ones getting the mistreatment they have never even offered me a closet in their homes not that I would take it I would Never. I say please and thank you. But they don’t they treat me like garbage or wish I would just go away. It’s hurts because this is a spit in my face. I stayed when their dad abandoned us but now he is the better parent. So how is a mother to feel?? Hurt very hurt because I stayed and I sacrificed so they could have but in the end I get treated like you are old now go away and die.
My Grandmother needed care for the last two years of her life. No one in the family stepped up to it, however it came naturally to me to go and care for her. She was so loving to me and my family while I visited her every day to take care of her. She thanked me everytime I came. She talked to my daughters about their school and gave them advises in a very appealing way. She gave them candy money every weekend when they came to visit her. She respected my husband and spoke highly of him to everyone. Though it was very tiring to travel from my home to her house everyday and care for her and then come back to my house in the night after night care taker appointed by me came, and then do all my family related work .. I felt a great sense of satisfaction in caring for her. She only spoke good about everyone and spread positivity even though she was suffering physically. I miss her everyday now that she is gone. She passed at 92 years age. I will always cherish her memory ❤
My 93 year old mother has Alzheimers stage 4-5 and has lived on her own since 1990 after the death of my dad. Her stubborn attitude and stoic belief that she can care for herself and her bungalow still prevails. Mother is now on her 3rd set of carers,provided by the local authority, before she ends up in a Care Home. Her resistance to help and non compliance with simple household tasks on offer,are the basis for my attitude towards her. I am unable to speak civilly to her and any conversation is confrontational and futile because of her mental capacity. Mother is able to speak to her carers, some of her grandchildren and other family in a lucid manner. I cannot see mother on my own because I am quite unable to remain respectful and pleasant. All attempts to resolve any issues end up in anger and frustration. This is mother’s last chance to remain independent,as she wishes, but my siblings and I would prefer her to be removed to a Care Home. This is easier said than done.
I live with my grandfather and God help me when I take a day off “Since your home you can help….” He’s always making comments on my food “that looks exciting” or “oooo how exciting”. we can’t watch anything on tv without him literally mocking every word he hears. Someone asks a question on a show. He goes “I don’t know, tell me”. It’s so infuriating, he thinks it’s funny. Don’t let a woman come on tv. He’s gotta make a comment on her outfit, voice, weight, it always has to be arrogant, mean, ignorant comments coming into his mouth. The best part, he’s supposed to be a “man of God”.
Sounds just like my mom. She’s been weaponizing her diabetes against me for my whole life. She deliberately allows her blood sugar to get too low and then she would go into a diabetic coma. She would scream, flail and attack me whenever I tried to give her a live-saving glucagon shot. When she would wake up, she’d then chastise me and blame me for her having a diabetic reaction. I wasn’t social enough, I didn’t eat my veggies, I stayed out too late…I was always to blame for her having reactions. So, I always walked on egg shells to avoid stressing her out at all. I catered to her as if she were a queen all throughout my life (I’m 43 now). Last year, she started shooing me away and treating me like a peasant and/or throwing violent temper tantrums if she didn’t get her way. If I try to speak in the house, which I am forbidden to do unless being spoken to first, she will scream “Shut Up! Go to Hell!”…every time. And she will continue to scream and dominate me until I’m silent. One day, I challenged her and kept talking even after she told me to “Shut Up! Go to hell!”. She got out of her chair and started beating on me. I had to call the cops to get her to stop. The thing is, she’s horrible to me, but is sweet as pie to everyone else, even the cop that came! It didn’t matter to him that she scratched my hand bloody. He just said that he didn’t see her as a threat (b/c she was calm, poised and polite to him), and there was nothing that he could do. When one of my cats was sick with an ear infection, she tried to have my cat put to sleep.
My 85 year old mother has turned just like this. From the moment I walk through her door it’s I want this done, I want that sorted, I should have one of those, I want, I want. If it’s not wanting stuff done she constantly moans about her pain, her niggle, points out every bruise. She talks over us, interrupts and does not listen to ANYTHING we say, It is incessant and never ending. My sister and me have bowed down and give in to most of what she asks for, but it never ends. All of this has caused me to have anxiety so I’ve had to withdraw a little as I can no longer tolerate her.
I think it is so selfish for a parent to expect they should live with their children, having no regard for how it will effect their lives. My 89 yr old demented, narcissistic mother is in assisted living. She bitches & complains about it all the time. She thinks it’s just terrible she has 2 children & they won’t move her in. If we moved her into our homes our whole lives would revolve around her & it would be living hell. No way that’s going to happen!
Ironic that the I’m the only one in my family of 5 kids that has no partner, or kids so will have no one to take care of me..I’m also the only one not retired. I seem to be expected to do everything and take constant criticism and not so much as a thank you. One parent is an absolute nightmare to me and very aggressive, tells lies and pretends to have falls when only I’m about. I’m just at the end of my tether to be honest and its really starting to affect me.
Absolutely! My father thinks he is so much better that everyone. An I being his only daughter I’m like basically dirt on his shoes. Nothing about me matters. Not my children not my husband not my career that I gave up due to a disability. A rare serve arthritis that is crippling. But he couldn’t care less. I’m not suffering with a severe arthritis, not really. I’m probably just lazy. And my career that I was never told good job about was nothing. Anyone can do that. I’m stupid anyway so what difference would I have had in the world. How could my life and career touched the world in any way. I might buy into what you are saying. But my father has never respected me or my mother or women in general. Unless he thinks it someone younger than me with big boobs that he can get a date with. What I’m going to do is walk away. And the next time he calls expecting me to drop everything and run to help him I’m busy, my phone will probably be turned off. Or I’ll be out of town, sorry so sad, no really, I’m done! The problem I have with that is that I am a Christian. I am commanded to honor my father & mother. But I can’t, you can not allow someone to treat you like you are nothing and just put up with it keep going back for more abuse, it crosses a line and becomes abuse. Last year after he was diagnosed with cancer I went every day to the hospital for 3 weeks . Even with my severe arthritis that has caused spinal damage. He didn’t care. He ended up telling me has my deceased stepmothers daughter on his bank account.
This is a good topic. First of all, I love my parents with all my heart and all that. I am NOT a caregiver to my parents but I get low-key angry when they demand for me to do physical labour. I understand that they are getting up in age right now but it is hurtful to me knowing that they are literally using me for hard work. I feel like a slave to them at times. Mind you that they appreciate it but it is hard.
My grandmother gets angry when im in a good mood then starts picking fights to get me upset and when i talk about anything good that happens in my life she gets defensive and starts complaining alot…. at first i didnt really notice how bad it was but lately ive been paying more attention to her personality and it scares me… im preparing to move out and considering renting a room somewhere till i find a apartment
“But I’m not gonna be here much longer.” I hate this statement. Especially when it’s not true. My mom’s been saying that for at least the last 15 years and I’m only 35. She’s been here for a long time and I know that, because even I have been here for a long time. We’ve been around each other so long that we are sick of each other. I’m done with her manipulations, and she kept trying to control me for awhile, but now she doesn’t even care if I live or die. So yeah, next time someone says, “I’m not going to be here much longer” as an excuse to take advantage of me, I’m going to respond with, “well you’ve been here long enough.”
Not helpful, I am caring 24/7 at home, very little help. Exhausted, completely fatigued, emptying catheter, incontinent, and he totally doesn’t care although he is aware of how tired I am. You didn’t stop for ice cream. By your standards you were not accepting and were tired. He is in care and you are not doing the care for him. I am sure you could ask the home if he could get ice cream a standard dessert there. Some of us can’t afford to put someone in a home or afford in home care.
So what if your father had a big life. Why does that mean you have to please him. This is the way life goes and if he doesn’t accept it, that’s his problem. Why do they get all the empathy and we just have to take it. Your articles just add to the guilt. Might they ease up a bit . This makes me so angry
I feel like a prisoner 😰 I’m basically an indentured servant…no respect, whatsoever… they won’t listen, until they put me in the hospital… And even THEN they’ll act, oblivious, like I’m the reason, I wound up in there. How many times, can you tell your immediate family, “I need a break, I don’t feel right, my chest is tight and I feel like I can’t breathe,” before they’ll hear you!??…. I get treated like, I’m being dramatic, and want attention. However, if any of my, NON CAREGIVING, siblings does the same thing, the entire family, falls at their feet…. everybody leaves THEM, alone… They’re nurtured, told they need to “take some time off and relax” …. I’m the only one, who has been run ragged, constantly doing everything for everyone except, myself and I’m lazy. 😰
My mother in-law who was a super narcissist her entire life got even worse when she moved into her 70s and 80s. A jealous self centered person who came before everyone. Then she got Alzheimer’s and became verbally and physically violent. She lived with us and our lives were hell. We all began to wish she would just pass and give us peace. She didn’t go quietly into that night. She did pass three years ago. Happy to say we’ve moved on.
My mother in law moved in with us after my father in law died in January, 60 years of stuff (junk) that they saved everything. No thought of an Estate Sale(to her everything might be used again), she has a psychological hold on my wife that i did not know existed until now, my wife is losing hair, and has developed a nervous mirth whenever I have had enough with the junk.”Why are we saving old OTC medicines, or even out of date food? She does nothing except pour cereal into a bowl and milk. She is so obtuse to how much imposition she has put on everyone and again, my wife has reverted to a little girl while at home, very strange to witness. Her junk occupies every room in the house besides mine and my man cave area but she’s trying. Plus the narcissism, interruptions in conversations, and pure manipulation is getting too much to bare. No thought of going to a Senior Care, oh hell no, she now occupies 2 of our bedrooms…two. Sorry for the rant, Doc.
Hi, a few words from the other side of the picture. My husband and I, ages 91 and 92, living an independant life in an apartment. On no meds, still mobile, with three children who are devoted to us. We only let them help when totally necessary, government forms etc. Our status is not because we are lucky but because we have felt a responsibility to take good care of ourselves over our aging period. If your parents through unexpected illness etc need help then I would say seriously consider giving it. If through neglect of self during their able years, then don’t feel guilty if you decline this responsibility. We consider we have had a good life and want the same for our children. They don’t owe us their lives in now their own declining years and with their own family responsibilities. However, bottom line, compassion always when able to give it. Love begets love.
My parents had money, and freedom, and lots of fun on their youth. I spent my 20s in the military and now building a new life and career path in my 30s while my mom is demanding, entitled, and always takes advantage of the help I’m willing to give. if she’d always be polite and appreciative, which she’s is not, I’d gladly help. I don’t want to be, but im resentful to them that they had an enjoyable youth and my enjoyment and freedom to build my life is being pulled to take care of an unappreciative parent. I want them taken care of, but not by me. I would, but only if she’d be kind and appreciative. Idk what to do 😞
My elderly extremely manipulative mother constantly gossips and has broadcast every confidence I’ve shared with her. With big fake tears in her eyes, she said, “You can tell me ANYthing…” (and I won’t tell anyone) bc she was desperate for anything confidential to broadcast. She LOVES to play the victim and is the most two-faced human I’ve ever met. Yesterday mother told my daughter I’m not welcome at family gatherings. A little later, mother sent me an icky sweet email thanking me for a kindness. She is the quintessential covert narcissist, toxic to her core. With all the horrible things I know she’s done, I find it extremely difficult to be around this woman who pretends to be compassionate & caring.
But your dog will give love to you the moment you come in the door. My parent doesn’t give any love. They’re a sucking needy hole, always was always will be. The alzheimers just made her worse. This narcissist, who now tells me not to trust Jews (my father was Jewish) I don’t need this in my life, being near her is exhausting. You’re guilting people about stuff they already know.😊
And what do you do when your parent is her own worst enemy and you get blamed for every single little thing i haven’t done yet. She then goes arounding begging around for assistance from other people until someone offers to help and the whole town ends up then knowing about it. Is that hatred towards me? She wants to be in control of everything and it’s often reckless. I need help lol. Great article by the way
I’m doing research on this because I took my 85 year old father to live in my home because he didn’t want to go into a home so at least you aren’t living with yours. The way you explain it with your father is exactly how it is for me but with the added insults, swearing and demeaning talk. He yells and swears at his doctors and pretty much everyone else. He orders me around like I am a slave while insulting me and, just to make things clear, my father has always had this behavior and now it’s just worse. He is passive aggressive, picks fights, puts people down and I am ready to research nursing homes. I am at my wits end.
This is such a deep subject and most elderly parents DO NOT have dementia they just have very little social life and rely and depend on their child for that. For that reason preplan how you would behave in all sorts of situations when your parents are elderly. One day you will also be in this situation.
here’s a twist on the whole thing: the elderly parent is jealous of the time their adult child spends with his/her own grandchildren—wanting the time to be spent instead on him/her and not his/her great grandchildren. They can become venemous. I remember when my third grand was born—my mother said it was SAD. HUHHH????? Husband’s narcissistic mother also said awful things when her daughter-in-law was having a third child….a grandmother-to-be complaining about about having another grandchild. It’s sick !!!!
My grandparents aged with dignity and never a bitter word. Still miss them. My parents now at the same age are monsters. I will not miss them. The bigger issue is unaffordable elder care costs and pathetic care standards (most staff barely speak English), so they have to live with family to the end. My mental sanity is in danger. I’ve been to hell and back in life, but this is death by a thousand cuts.
My own 93 yr mom never took care of her own parents! My neice takes care of her! She drains my neice out with her constant complaining about everything! I care for my mentally disabled adult son and I do everything for him! People care for their loved ones but if you have never been a caregiver you just don’t understand! This is a full time job very emotionally and physically exhausting your life is no longer yours! Doctors are giving a lot of people in their 90s medication for everything! But it doesn’t help dementia patients or help the ederly walk again! A lot of people are living much longer but are miserable in their bodies that no longer work! It’s truly sad to see them suffer! ( Mrs Garcia) wife of Raul
I’m sorry, but this is the part where I dread things. I understand having compassion and I try really hard. My mom has always been entitled. I grew up in narcissism. She has only been retired for about two years, and her neediness and demands are getting stronger. My biological father who has not really been around my whole life except for a handful of visits and phone calls, has just moved close. he forgets that he left us kids and has come off very entitled. Doesn’t comprehend that his kids are a little messed up because he left us with the lady he calls crazy. Duh no wonder your kids are the way they are feisty is you know what. Dad looks at us like we owe him something and we’re supposed to just drop everything when he wants to come around now lol he never ran into us, but we’re supposed to run to him. Now we have Mom and we are the rope in the tug-of-war who’s going to get more attention. My dad has two and my mom is a half hour another way. This is gonna get nasty!!! They’re both old and can barely move around so things are gonna get crazy!!!
Problem is, I always let things go and it just gets worse for not putting the kibosh to it. I find myself trying so hard to do what you say and just comprehend Their brains are not working and I do that. A sad part is I’m doing all this with a 16-year-old also. Trying to satisfy both parents and still have somewhat of a boundary they keep crossing. My son is getting just as stressed out as I am. my dad visits for a weekend and tells me the same stories every time. I even learned to bring something up that he said in the story to try to stop the story, but that does not work with this guy. My son goes to his room because this is extremely boring for a 16-year-old and I can’t blame the kid but then my kids not involved because my dad is taking up the whole weekend talking my ear off. I go to visit my mom and I’ll hear stories about neg Nativity and kind of temper tantrums . She likes to give low blows secretly but we all know she’s giving low blows. My son and I get home or my dad goes home and we finally get a piece of mind by ourselves. It takes two days for us to get back to normal. These situations get us both riled so high now we’re even Getting impatient with each other or just venting To each other where we’re both both just exhausted. With all this chaos with politics and what’s going on in our world, and the school is shutting down and my kids struggling in school with all of it this is not a good time for all this crazy stuff to be thrown at us. It is what it is, but I really feel bad for my boy!
Hi and thank you for your vid. May I ask you a better way to handle a narcissistic borderline, hoarder mother. My mother is almost 90, with it cognitively, and demanding..My sister is POA, has no backbone, and puts no limits on my mothers spending even after burning a house down because of the hoard. I’ve taken time off to come home and get her to sell her house which is a money pit. My sister refuses to let me see her POA paperwork, and what she can do legally to stop the financial bleed. Any info woukd be helpful
My mantra is to take good care of the your parents, who once took care of you when you were most vulnerable. Love them and respect them when all they have got is YOU. Remember, there are lots of bad parents out there. Therefore, if your parents did all they could to give you the best life when they could, reciprocate by taking care of them the best way you can. Be there for the ones who were there for you; your children will model that. Be the child you want your child to become; just do the best you can. The least anyone could do is, to spend some time together with love & respect. Also, remember that they aren’t going to be there forever, and at some point, you too will get old, and you too will want the love & support of your family 🙏🏼. All the best to all of us in this journey🙏🏼
Dementia and at times difficult personalities exacerbate the issues with the elderly. Even without a difficult personality, old age brings its own set of issues & limitations sadly. In a nutshell as a caregiver do your best, be organized, get a part time help and leave the rest to God. Thank you Sofia for this informative article.
I have respect for my parents no matter what I never have anything bad to say about them They did a really good job carrying me us kids I watched both pass close together 💕🌹 I’m 62 now I get lonely for my adult kids but they have a life. That being said I’m so sorry about elder illness omg must be so hard But don’t give up they didn’t give up on you. I hope elder illness eases on all affects to you & family Yes don’t take it personally. I didn’t have to deal with this. In my first Nations culture we have support and respect our elders I imagine even with that illness to be managed & treated 🦅🙏💕🌹
I’m only until the 1st 4 minutes of your article and I relate everything your saying and suffering so much right now when I’m done perusal ill probably have a question for you, Thanks …somebody that understands what I’m going through im an only son and my mother passed away a year and a 1/2 ago and since then my father that’s 85 years old has just been different… I guess different is the only word I know how to use for what I am going through for the 1st time in my life, Let me stop ranting and finish perusal the rest of your great article…😔
A year later and I keep coming back to this article as a reminder. My Mom has the onset of Parkinson’s and I have noticed that during her episodes, she suddenly seems like she is 5 years old, acts defiant and will pout or respond childishly to a situation. Then she comes out of it and is back to being the expected maturity level of her age. This article is a great reminder to myself to realize she isn’t doing this on purpose to annoy me and “put me in my place as her kid”, it’s just not in her control. I can only control how I react to it. Thanks Sophia.
We always have the ability to learn or relearn proper behaviors and etiquette, which is why when I’m helping an older lady from church and she gets bossy and demanding I tell her that if I hear a please then I’ll be a lot more inclined to do it. That took a month or two to sink in, and she still forgets occasionally, but now I can have fun by saying stuff like “no, I’m good” and then she remembers to say please. Then I say I’d be happy to. It finally clicked for me when I started thinking of kids with poorly developed social skills in the classroom. I tell them that I don’t respond to requests without a polite and undemanding please and they quickly learn manners, even if it’s to fulfill their self centered desires. Empathy comes later, but it built on being verbally respectful to others first. I’ve also learned that she was highly spoiled as a child and rarely ever taught self discipline and patience so now I’m working on making her wait and doing things that she can do for herself instead of being lazy and lying to herself and me that she can’t do it. I often say, not with that attitude or mindset. You’re a grown women and adult who can do many, not all, things you put your mind to. Maybe not the same way I or others would. meaning as fast or well, but they can still be done in your own good time and talent nonetheless. They are not helpless babies, even though they can’t everything exactly the way they used to or would like to. They have to continually get used to the ever changing new normals of their lives and bodies.
My dad, who recently passed away, was like this. Communicating with him was like pulling teeth. What ever I did for him wasn’t good enough. Even though he was an absent father in my life, I still tried my best to be there for him. But Sadly, his last spoken words to me were filled with anger and nearly hatred towards me. I’ll never understand why he was like that.
Thank you for your article, I understand where you’re coming from with your advice. Your opening statements are exactly what I’m dealing with. The level of self-absorbed behavior is exhausting my patience. The only thing in my situation that is different is that my parent tends to be totally different with everyone else who is not related. This negative behavior is bringing up a whole lot of stuff from the past and the emotions for me are very overwhelming.
I feel so bad for middle age people. Having to deal with your own life and family and on top of that to take care for your elderly parents. I’ve worked in nursing homes and I can assure you they can be extremely entitled and rude. There are a few good ones, but they are a minority. Dementia certainly plays a big role in their behavior, but still, I know this is frustrating and tiring for the caregivers
Im 27 and have had to move in with my 65 year old parent. I haven’t lived with her for over 10+ years, I left at age 18 and been independent since. We argue a lot now, she thinks Im still that 18 year old kid and doesn’t see me as an adult. She’s barges into my room and demands things, scolds me, goes through my things and invades my privacy without regarding Im an adult. It’s effecting my mental health and I need some help to figure this out:
I’m sorry… I love my parent whom I’m caring for on my home.. and I am sure to maintain my own psych therapy in the process of caring for my parent…I wish you would acknowledge that the care givers life is also narrowed down to just focusing on parental care.. we are also limiting our life relationships and experiences while we care for our parents.. some limits and boundaries should be acceptable.
There are takers and there are givers. I live in a place where this is quite evident. Keeping in mind that care goals are to help maintain independence and self-reliance as long as possible, I suggest people practice exchanging one favor for another, even if it’s requesting to be able to sit down for 5 minutes and decompress in good company.
I just had last straw with a widowed, childless elderly lady who I helped alot. Like Jekyl and Hyde, imagining wrong things about people, that aren’t true (even if distrust is there which is understood) She been referred to as mean, and with angry outbursts, It hit me considering her past, how she was growing up. Narcissist? It was like her eyes got big and black like demons at work in her. Didnt even apologize. She cant even lure me back with her professed good cooking. I pray she go before God to help her deal with what’s been bothering her because even spoke against God, and I had tried in love to address her behaviors in dealing with other people (insight). She wondered why people dont wanna be around her. In prayers.
I just moved back in with my father 4 months ago after my moms suicide. He is rude, farts and never excuses himself, he just pisses me off. Acuses me of everything and watches several hours of news a day. It just bothers me the way he acts. How do I stop his behavior from bothering me? He has never said he loved me, says thank you or please. What the hell is wrong with him?
My siblings do not help care for my 90 year old mother. She was abusive ever since we were small. She always let us know how much of a burden we were to her when we were very small children all the way through today. She loved to stir up trouble with one of us and watch the others get involved which evolved into a huge fight while she sat back and watched. I go every day to talk to her, help her by doing things for her. My siblings do not care for her, visit her or anything. Today when I went she told me how sorry my sister and I were our whole lives but our brother was perfect. This is very depressing to me. I hate going there to care for her so she can stay home, but it is very difficult.
Well I believe we all love our parents and as science has increased the life of human beings, we want to live more. Please correct me if I’m wrong. now people in old age just live with this shrink life the last years of their life. That’s not actually a great gift by science and our desire to live more doesn’t come to an end even at the death bed. Is this a right way of old age? Or we should find a new way of living the old age which was known as sanyas in India. Where people went to prepare for their death and the search for their inner source which never dies. Just heard these things from my kinda friend who is around 75 years old and says that he has found his inner being which is a eternal being. Shouldn’t we look into this as well?
I let my father move in about a year 1/2 ago and the original plan was just for a couple months, then he’d be on his way. After he moved in he had an unfortunate medical issue and I acted as a bed-side nurse of sorts changes bandages twice a day. On top of all of this I have a business I’m running and a 9yo son I raise by myself. I have been trying to broach the subject of getting him out of my house and honestly every time I bring it up it just devolves into him shouting at me, he has also begun treating his grandson poorly and I often have to break up arguments between them, it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do and everyone else in the family just ignores the issue because I’m dealing with it so not their problem. This has totally destroyed my romantic relationships and I’ve essentially given up on finding a spouse at this point because having pops at the house walking around in his underwear isn’t exactly what they want to see.
Im new to the diabetics world. My father was hospitalized and i was the only one showing support. When he came home i had to learn how to take blood and insulin for him. He told me maybe if i went to school and got a degree in nursing i would know what to do. I work 7am-10pm the 11pm-7am and then drive 25 minutes to go to his house for his breakfast and by the time im done its 10 or 11.. I neglect nyself but not eating breakfast or showering on time to where im late for my 7-10 because i overslept. He demand for things and acts like its a burden to say please and thank you and when i ask for a little of respect he makes uo his face like he smells shit and makes tbe excuse on his diabetes. He try to oick things with me so if i have money if his he will demand for his money back. When things are good he texts me to be safe at work or to wake me up and when he switches he doesnt call me text me or anything. Im just so tored and sometimes i wish i was never born. He doesnt see the stress that hes putting on me and when i say something he gaslights me
Edit: I will listen to you and talk if you need some support. You’re not alone and don’t feel guilty if you’re caring for a parent and find yourself being their punching bag. I moved in with my grandma and I wish I hadn’t. She’d have been better off with the paid people who come once or twice a day I think. Self-centered and rude.. and the worst part is she’s so mean. As a child she was like my hero, always there for me. I understand some of this isn’t intentional, but a lot of it is. “Punishing” me for whatever reason. I do everything for her and I can’t even have a job cause it’s full time. She won’t listen to anything I ask. I’m trying to preserve her dignity a bit. Then I get to listen to her complain about me on speakerphone to her few remaining friends. It’s a tough road, I find myself wishing she’d just die a lot. Which isn’t what I want at all but it helps. I also write a lot, that’s where I can vent guilt free. perusal her become this giant selfish baby has been super hard. She raised me and I have so many amazing memories. I’m writing this for you who’s looking through the comments wondering if it’s a good idea to move in and care for a parent/grand-parent. Think long and hard about your patience levels and if you want to keep your good memories, do you? If you do, do the right thing and spend whatever you can afford for in home help. I’m not joking, you do not want to do this it’s absolutely miserable. Mine since she probably feels bad she can’t do anything spends quite a bit of her efforts when awake to humiliate me and shovel food into her face.
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come: For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God:
The truth is I love my Mom. Ive been caring for her since my dad died of cancer who she was married to 68 years. Then the next year my oldest sister died of cancer then the next year my next to oldest sister died of a massive heart attack. Fast forward 8 years my Mom is bed ridden, I was doing 20 hours a day 5 days a week groceries and meds. now I had to quit because my health. I can’t physically do this. My sibling are helping now. Right now they are doing it all for the last couple weeks. This is hard my Mom is at the end of her life. This is difficult for me.
My elderly (89 yr old) MIL is extremely toxic & abusive to my husband (her only child) as well as myself. I have had to go no contact because of the effects that she causes me to have for weeks after a visit. My MIL berates my husband-who goes to her house every Wednesday religiously for over 15 years. Or also when needed. She says things like “I wish I had had a girl & not a boy. Girls are always close to their Moms…” Or the good old blackmail of “unless you visit more, I will spend all of your inheritence to make myself happy.” (Her ONLY activity that she will do and is interested in is buying scratch off tickets. She has gone through 40K in 3 years of scratch off’s & QVC crap that she ends up not wanting & sometimes remembers to demand for my husband to return it for her. Mostly she forgets & blows 300$ on an item that she throws in a closet.) It’s sickening & cruel to my husband.
My mother treats me like her slave. She demands things and if I don’t do things exactly the way she wants things, she’ll scream, curse, wish for terrible things to happen to me, and recently started throwing things at me. Last night she threw her dinner at me. She hates when I tell her what to do, even though they are things regarding her safety or things to help her. She uses a walker to get around and she’s angry and frustrated with her situation and takes it it out on me. I clean houses 5-6 hours a day then I go to her home to help her. I’m 57 and the only child that lives locally so I don’t have any help. She was in a nursing home before for physical therapy when she fell and her Dr. and the physical therapists said she should stay there permanently since she couldn’t take care of herself but she threw a fit till I gave in and moved her back home and I’ve been caring for her for over 3 years but I don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t mind helping her but I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore. It’s not good for my mental health and my blood pressure.
I’m here after I have witnessed a friend pretty much become nothing but a punching bag to his mentally ill abusive elderly father and giving up his job to almost full time care for his codependent enabling elderly mother. He acts like a abusive victim (he is) and is destroying his health. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I hit old age I will support assistanted suicide for myslef, because there is no way in hell I will do that to my children.
What does one do when your mother is selfish, self centered, hateful, rude and terribly prideful. Not prideful in a like dignified way, but prideful in that they can’t be wrong even when they have no reason to actually believe they have ever been right much except that they just always told themselves they were right in every situation in life. In my situation my mother divorced my father when I was 5. She was very Ill because a doctor overdosed her on steroids. She gained a horrible amount of weight. She fought badly with my Dad to the point he left. She always acted like he was a horrible person. Now that I’m an adult I see it was her causing the big arguments. None the less she could hardly work and never really took much advantage of her education. I see now she probably also didn’t get much out of what schooling she got because she obviously was never terribly intelligent. Yet, somehow she got me in the divorce. I only saw my Dad like 6 to 8 times as a kid. So I grew up terribly poor. We had to move every year. So yes, a new school every year and you know what happens when you’re the new boy in school. Every bully has to prove the new kid can’t beat them up. So constant bullying also because I wouldn’t go along with the bad stuff the other kids wanted to do and I was so poor. I kept myself clean, but I didn’t have nice clothes and stuff like them. Looking back and having kids of my own I realize if you love them you’ll give them to the other parent if they can provide a better life.
His world has shrunk. The visits from us is his entire world. Have some empathy for them If it isn’t dementia and you parent doesn’t have the ability to change their behaviour don’t you think you should let some things go and don’t let them Would that make What if you assumed they aren’t doing this on purpose and it was just dementia and that they couldn’t control it. Look at them as if they have an illness and then cannot control it. This might help you not take it so personally. But maintain your boundaries subtly but assertively. Your abilities and your helpfulnes isn’t considered less because of your parents inability to recognise it. The universe thanks you
I need to talk. My 87 yo mother and I just fought. Ultimately the end of the fight came down to this: No one is perfect. No thing is perfect. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to accidentally cause hurt. Hurt happens. All the time. It’s okay. My love for you is not dependent on if you are perfect. You are lovable even if you are not perfect. She was AGHAST. IRRATE. FURIOUS. SHE TOLD ME I WAS A LIAR. OVER AND OVER. I kept telling her I loved her. She told me FUCK you fuck off You’re a liar…get away from me or I will call the police! O M G. I went to my sister’s room and prayed for my mom. She has born the burden of perfection for her entire life. The pain I felt for her was staggering. Perfection is a difficult taskmaster. She has suffered long. I pray for her freedom from her pain. All comments invited. I would sure appreciate support. She really wants to cling to perfection.
My dad is so manipulative,hurts my mom’s feelings,puts her down and blames her and me for him feeling bad, we walk on egg shells,she constantly caters to him,give me this give me that, blames her he can’t sleep,fights with the neighbors, it’s horrible . He caters to my little sister and daughter but resents me
There’s is actually medicine for some dementia types that can delate it. For example Alzheimer’s. If it’s vascular dementia then some training actually can help the brain regerate and create new synapses. Frontal lope dementia is when a person flip and become the opsite and is quite rude. There is also levy body dementia. It’s actually relevant to talk the the practionare for referral and help.
My mother thinks whole point of having kids is so they will take care of her. Well she always says kids but she only had one kid. I have no life and feel like I have to sacrifice mine to work full time and then cater to my mother. My mom doesn’t have dementia but she is helpless and refuses to do anything for herself. I have no life and my mother doesnt appreciate me and then says mean things like I have big butt and no wonder I couldn’t keep a man.
My dad is demanding & destroys my house. He has sticky fingers all over my fridge, walls etc. I’m talking a huge amount of goop of toothpaste or food. Ok so that means more cleaning and as frustrating as that is, I can push my frustration away. However, turning the bathroom sink on at 2:30 am and forgetting till 4:30 am just cost us well over $10,000! The basement ceiling & floor is destroyed. I am so angry, but I just kept tearing up floor, draining the ceiling & drying. It was “raining” so even the solid oak door in the basement is wet. As I clean, he starts demanding I get him breakfast etc. I am at my end! And he has not even admitted he did this or apologized.
I dont have “parents” barely had a mom but yes “selfish” nails it right along with jealous & irresponsible. After my separation from a very abusive & confusing relationship with a drug addict we, myself/son/infant daughter, had to stay with her and her husband. It was the 2nd worst and most abusive relationship of my life! All the while she & her husband and anyone walking into her home would terrorize us.. .and we are quiet people in general but was way more silent & keot to ourselves after finally escaping the terrifying relationship i was in prior to that but yet, irs always about her comfort. Her comfort, her sex life, etc! I have since obtained a Bachelor’s in Behavioral Sciences and learned i was hypersexualized growing up, around alot of sex, etc from a very early age. I’ve lost all hope for her & i and am currently homeless as a result of losing my job that i worked hard and “right” for so i cannot wait to no longer know her. Regardless of behavior or age because I’ve experienced alot of health changes or experiences on my own never once hearing from her during those times!
I am going to drive again but probably shoul not. Am not demanding but seems the younger ones are just plain impatient, self centered to the extreme and lack empathy. I have been preparing for aging in place for years, have way downsized and am sick and tired of people . The whining generation need to go through my sensitivity training for caregivers.
My Dad left us as children with our Mother battling Lupus and severe panic disorder which left me to care for her at 7. Dad Rarely bought us Christmas or birthday gifts and never his grandchildren so my daughter asks why I do so much for him now that he’s unable to care for himself. All I say is it has to be done but it’s terrible he doesn’t seem to appreciate it or offer more to help like gas money considering he’s financially way better than me. He does say thank you but I’m sure it’s to keep me coming back. Another problem is he refuses outside help his insurance would cover which agin is all about him and his mind is very sharp still. He’s always been healthy and never faced adversity. I had 3 heart surgeries before I was 40 and im 49 now
It sucks being the immediate transport when the real transport should be picking them up. My old man wants to drive again knowing full well being told it is not safe for him to drive. He doesn’t want to do the occupational. When he wants to go out, all he ever does go to damn walmart. I personally refuse to shop there, unless I pick up the order. It gets to the point where he wants to always go to that store, and it doesn’t fit my schedule because I work overnight… I am not sure about any resources for anyone who has to look after a parent while trying to work. Unfortunately for me, I enjoyed driving OTR, but when the stroke happened, it has been scary considering what to do when something like that could happen again.
I saw more comments, to which I believe that my reply to one could likely help: Living with a spouse who has traumatic brain injury is similar. Perhaps I can help from successful experience: 1) be quick to listen, slow to anger, and slow to speak 2) overcome evil with good How do those ideas work? Listening helps you anticipate. Know what will be demanded and do or have it in advance. You’ll have more energy from less stress. Slow to anger helps you think more clearly- less stress on you. Anger in response only increases anger of your patient. Slow to speak… sometimes it’s pointless to respond. Why talk to a fool according to his warped reasoning? Save your energy and reduce your stress by saving your time and breath. In all these steps, you are doing good and overcoming the evil that can so easily overwhelm us.
My elderly 91 and 93 yr old parents refuse help of any kind .. They think they are just cool 40 yr olds no matter how messed up their lives are .. Being a loving, understanding and yes caring dasughter is very hard.. I know this not on purpose but now truly realize they are happy to let me suffer and watch like some horrible accident I try to stop as they just never move on and stay stuck. My dad is one stubborn man and wants to rule the roost and that is fine. Rule it just let me clean up the messes,Just let me clean out the fridge, take the garbage stacking up out, do the laundry and clean up that which they refuse to do .. Did I mention my own husband has the beginnings of dementia too. 3 people living in some unrealistic world makes the normal sureal and infuriating .. My lord they have the money to live well but refuse to .. I only wish they were demanding not the worst of the opposite .. Dad is one strong man but every character in a Robert Duvall movie. One tough guy .. This is more I am femle therfore I am not capable of much .. My lord, I have a 140 I Q, work hard and have a decent heart . Just wish they were accepting of just helping them. I grew up doing many chores and being responsible for home care so why now do they want their independance over caring for their welfare . I ain’t pushy just totally frustrated..
I’m just glad in the 21st Century that we have article Cameras. I’ve been recording my mom, today she thought it was Thursday, but no it’s Wedsnday, arguing with me that like she always does becuase she is always right in her mind. I made her put her glasses on, turn the guide on the tv, and made her read the date. This has become a weekly thing. As far as Caring for her We Cared for our Mother way more than our Mother ever Cared for her own Elderly Mother and Father, always busy running to Bingo and Slot machines. So my ‘Empathy’ is right on the Edge.
I retired early and moved across the country with my wife to take care of my mom. My wife’s mom recently passed away and my wife told my mom. She had absolutely nothing to say about it. Just dismissed it as oh well. I will never understand this kind of behavior no matter how many articles I watch. I don’t need thanks for taking care of her but come on do they forget all human decency?
People lose social skills as their worlds close in around them, mental status changes or not. Caregivers have to establish reasonable boundaries with their loved ones, who will ALWAYS have a “list”. The key is to not allow any guilt trips to be laid upon you, after you have agreed to do what you reasonably can. The average adult caregiver child will have one parent at a time, demanding services and pushing their buttons. Imagine being on the nursing staff of a skilled facility with a floor full of patients like this, all complaining, manipulating and threatening to get the attention they want. I have experienced both scenarios, and neither is enjoyable. It is a foregone conclusion that dependent elderly people will develop unrealistic expectations, so it is up to the caregiver—whether a relative or a staff member—to communicate, in a kind but firm manner, what he or she can and will do.
And siblings who don’t give a sh-t. When my parents die I’ll be around 60 years old and my sister thinks it’s ok for me to rent an apartment like I’m a 25 year old kid starting over. She gets to go home to her house that will be paid off. Meanwhile she takes 1/3 off the roof I kept over my parents’ head for 30 plus years.
I feel selfish…is my grandmother making me break rocks? No. Yet all my life she’s exhausting with nipicks complaints and if I start to get annoyed ‘I’m snotty’ She is a narcissist and wasn’t there for my mom for a major childhood trauma. Grandma is a pennypincher… and refuses to pay for a caregiver or has PTSD from surgery and covid anxiety…and refuses to even try to see a therapist or talk to one online. So when she has an issue at night and wants me there. If she was easier to get along with I’d be happy to live with her for stretches. I know small potatoes to parents with dementia and across the country. So I’m like “okay if you refuse help why should me or mom drop what we’re doing, work in my case.”
This is so relatable I am a caretaker for my grandfather it’s a pain in the neck he dosent have dementia but he has Parkinson disease. The meds he is taking is effecting his brain. I’ve had some arguments and lost my temper with him he loses my temper its a complicated situation and esstrangeness with him. I love him but he’s a pain in the butt. I’d rather take care of an elder dog least dogs don’t talk back. He says the samething to me everyday wishing he could go. But we tell him your not ready yet. He dosent see how he has more to offer then he realizes.
My 93 year old mother has Alzheimers stage 4-5 and has lived on her own since 1990 after the death of my dad. Her stubborn attitude and stoic belief that she can care for herself and her bungalow still prevails. Mother is now on her 3rd set of carers,provided by the local authority, before she ends up in a Care Home. Mother is able to converse with her carers- despite being deaf and refusing to wear hearing aids- and she manages to remain lucid when talking to some of her grandchildren as well as close family. I cannot see mother on my own because our conversation is confrontational and futile. This has been ongoing for some years now and mother has been told that this is her last chance of remaining independent. My siblings and I have reached the stage where a Care Home will be the answer to mother’s issues but getting her in one, is another matter.
My mother and I used to be able to talk over my day as a PT, now it is all about her needs. I have essentially lost another parent. I have to be her advocate now. She is dependent on her nurse in the assisted living facility. I find myself communicating with the nurses at least once per week. It is a loss for me as I am the only child. Her short term memory is terrible.
My mother is 57 years old, having diabetes, catarac eye, and plan wash blood someday, the problem is she was stubborn, had many loan and she still want to spend and borrow money, lying to her siblings said its for her blood wash but instead she want to spend the money for saloon hair dye. Me and my dad and our maid try to prevent her spend the money, i even tell the truth to my mom sibling about the money she borrow. It feels like i want my mom just to leave the house and sent her to my brother that had same bad habit spend money like my mother.
My husband’s parents are long gone, but mine are still around. My younger sister lived near them but died eight years ago. I have lived 1,100 miles away for almost 25 years and they still ask when I’m coming back (the 12th of never). They have never come to visit me; I have to do all the traveling. My husband and I actually discussed last night that we both hope my mother dies first because she is an insufferable pain in the tail and Dad needs some peace, quiet and a little bit of fun.
What if they are not being safe with their actions by over doing it? It’s pure ice out today and my 80 year old mom and her twin in which I love with, insist on walking across ice, lifting heavy furniture, and yell at me when I tell them to take their pills! I have this fear that they will cause harm to themselves on accident because they do have dementia. How do I approach keeping th safe vs. nagging to them?