Infidelity can lead to children being more likely to be unfaithful in their own relationships if they know their parents were also unfaithful. While 86.7% of children are aware of infidelity, it is not optional and a necessity of good parenting. Parents should decide when to reveal details about an affair, as children are typically more aware than given.
Telling your kids about infidelity is a personal decision that needs to be made by parents, based on individual circumstances. Most experts agree that when one parent is unfaithful, it can make your child wonder what’s real and what’s not in your relationship. Couples struggling with the aftermath of infidelity often agonize over what to tell the kids, but often, kids already know about the cheating.
Psychiatrist and relationships counsellor Scott Haltzman states that there is a cultural hush around infidelity, and there is an ongoing debate over when, or even if, to tell them. Talal Alsaleem recommends that parents never tell their children about infidelity and ensure they know they are not the cause of any friction at home.
Totelling your kids about infidelity is a personal decision that needs to be made by parents, based on individual circumstances. Most experts agree that parents need to present a united front in communicating with the kids. Young children, in infancy to elementary school, would only be more worried and confused if you try and tell them about their father’s infidelity. If the affair is having an immediate effect on the children’s lives (such as in the case of separation or divorce), it may be necessary to inform them right away.
Some people believe telling your kids about the infidelity is a part of the healing journey and that knowing the truth will help you heal. However, it depends on the kids’ ages, family dynamics, and parent motives.
📹 What Effect Does a Parent’s Infidelity Have On a Child #AskATherapist
What Effect Does a Parent’s Infidelity Have On a Child #AskATherapist // What effect does a parent’s infidelity have on a child?
How do I talk to my child about infidelity and divorce?
In this text, the author discusses the challenges of talking to children about divorce, marital affairs, and absent parents. The author emphasizes the importance of keeping adult conversations private, not badmouthing your spouse, limiting details, responding to emotions, setting appropriate boundaries, being honest, and seeking support.
The author shares a personal experience of dealing with a marital affair and an absent parent, where the author’s five-year-old son asked her about her husband’s absence. The husband had told her about the affair a month ago and had moved out the same night, leaving the family confused. The author’s husband had been lying to the children about his whereabouts and why he had left, further complicating the situation.
The author suggests seven tips for talking to children about divorce and marital affairs:
- Keep adult conversations private.
- Don’t badmouth your spouse.
- Limit the details.
- Respond to emotions.
- Set appropriate boundaries.
- Be honest.
- Seek support as you learn how to talk to your kids about divorce and marital affairs.
In conclusion, the author emphasizes the importance of maintaining privacy, limiting details, responding to emotions, setting appropriate boundaries, being honest, and seeking support when dealing with marital crises.
Should I tell my parents that my husband cheated on me?
The decision to disclose infidelity to family is up to the individual, but it is important to weigh the pros and cons. Pros include family support and helpful perspectives, while cons include potential future repercussions and unwanted help from loved ones. It is crucial to clarify the reason for disclosing the infidelity before disclosing anything. Some people believe their partner deserves to be exposed for their wrongdoings, while others aim to save and restore the relationship. Therefore, it is essential to weigh the pros and cons before making a decision.
Is it worth exposing a cheater?
For couples experiencing infidelity, the initial step of exposure is of paramount importance in facilitating recovery. Such exposure not only facilitates the cessation of the illicit relationship but also furnishes the betrayed spouse with the requisite support to persevere in the pursuit of ultimate marital recovery. For further information on the optimal timing and manner of disclosing an affair, please refer to Exposure 101: Your Most Powerful Weapon.
At what age do children understand cheating?
By age 5, children develop the ability to understand and empathize with others. Explain that cheating cancels out winning, and that the fun lies in the playing rather than the winning. Emphasize that the fun lies in the present, not the outcome, and teach by example. If a child loses, don’t lament the fact that they lost, but instead praise their experience. Focus on the present, using phrases like “That was a smart move” or “What a lucky roll!” to keep children engaged.
Teach your child to feel competent in other areas of their life, such as riding a bike or drawing. The more confident they are, the less they feel the need to win or cheat to build self-esteem. If your child cheats, don’t overreact or call them a cheater. Calmly let them know that their actions aren’t fair and they must follow the rules of the game. This helps them develop a conscience and not think they are a bad person.
To gauge how often you let your child win, take a poll and provide feedback on how often you let your child win.
Should you tell your children about infidelity?
The decision to tell your children about an affair should be guided by the best interests of them. Most experts agree that young children under eight years old do not need to know about the affair, as they need to feel safe and loved. When discussing the affair with older children, it is important to keep them out of the triangle and avoid putting them in a position where they have to choose. When the blame for the divorce is placed on the guilty parent, children should be able to love both parents.
When deciding whether to tell your children about the affair, ask yourself why you need them to know, whether they are old enough to understand the reason for the affair, whether it will be liberating or frightening for the children, whether it will become a warning about their future relationships, and if you can be clear about your motivation at this moment.
In counseling, it is important to discuss individual circumstances and work hard to keep your children out of the details. By doing so, you can help your children navigate the complexities of adult relationships and ensure they are well-informed about the situation.
Should I reveal infidelity?
Disclosement of an affair is not an easy choice, and it can be unsafe in abusive situations or for those seeking to alleviate guilt. However, voluntary disclosure can be wise in many cases, as it honors the intention to have a trusting, close relationship even if one person has broken that trust. Discovering a partner’s affair can contribute to heightened distress and a full-blown diagnosis, such as a major depressive episode. The individual who has been betrayed may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them, as it violates their basic assumptions about themselves, their partners, or their relationship.
How does a cheating mother affect a daughter?
Children can experience profound emotional trauma due to a parent’s infidelity, leading to feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and confusion. They may feel trapped in their parents’ conflict, leading to distress and guilt. Children who have experienced unfaithful parents may struggle to trust others, including future romantic partners, due to the breakdown in their sense of security and trust in others. This can result in a breakdown in the parent-child relationship, making it difficult for children to feel close to their parents and feel like they have been let down or can’t rely on them anymore.
Should adult children know about parents’ infidelity?
Trusting others with sensitive information can draw them closer and prevent them from feeling insecure. Confidentiality can lead to intuition and worsen their feelings. To help on healing, marriage, and relationship journeys, sign up for our newsletter and receive weekly practical insights. We also offer a free guide on common mistakes to avoid. Your information is kept confidential, and you can unsubscribe at any time.
Should you tell your family about infidelity?
The decision to disclose your spouse’s affair is a personal one, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It’s recommended to gain perspective and make your own decision. Signing up for our newsletter offers weekly practical insights and encouragement for healing and marriage. We also provide a free guide on common mistakes to avoid. Your information is kept confidential, and you can unsubscribe at any time.
How to explain cheating to a child?
A teenager may inquire about the circumstances surrounding their father’s divorce, including whether an affair was involved. The adolescent articulates that they erred in judgment and engaged in a romantic relationship with another individual. However, they are resolved to collaborate with their father to address the matter. They facilitate open communication and permit the adolescent to inquire about the matter.
What to do when your child finds out you cheated?
It is essential for the child to be aware that the parent in question has misrepresented the truth, expressed remorse, and is taking steps to rectify the situation with the other parent. The child may inquire about additional details, and while one can exercise discretion in disclosing such information, it is imperative to adhere to the principle of honesty.
📹 Should You Tell Your Children About Infidelity?
HBO’s ”Insecure” had the internet buzzing when character Molly found out her mom forgave her dad for cheating. The girls want …
As someone who’s dad had an affair, it’s been a decade and although the pain has lessened it’s still there. We still talk but I still resent him and that hate hasn’t gone away. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve cried, thinking whether I or my mom wasn’t enough for him, that weren’t good enough and that’s why he cheated. It sucks because all I wanted was a father and a normal family. Since my parents aren’t divorced because in my culture women just bear with it and it is seen as shameful to be divorced, they fight all the time. There’s a type of animosity that doesn’t go away and mom resents him. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive or love him after what he’s done. So, if you’re thinking of cheating, don’t do it.
Affairs affect the children even when they don’t know about it. The tension in our home made our son so angry and he wouldn’t know why. We never told him about the affair, but we did tell him when we started going to counseling. The great thing is, as we started mending our relationship and our marriage the tension left and everyone started feeling happier. My husband and I worked hard in the past few months and we’re a much happier couple and stronger family.
As a young adult from an asian family who found out that his father cheated on his mother. I can only say that my relationship with my father has broke beyond repairs as I can’t never trust him for every word he says and for every action he’ll do. He lost my respect, my trust, my love and my empathy. Leaving only hatred, resentment, disappointment and utter disgust. He said he’ll try to prove his worth to our family. He will try to gain our trust back. But honestly, no matter how hard he tried, I will never forgive him for what he did. Some of you might say that I’m petty.. but for everything we’ve been through… the reason he begin cheating is just unforgivable… there are not enough word to express my feelings for him. Edit: as a matter of fact, he didn’t even apologize to us. It is just his justification after justification.
My father had a double life and I am the product of his unofficial one. He was married but still carried on an affair with my mother for 30 years. I was not an accident and was planned by both my parents. Yet, my father still chose his official family over me and I was the one who had to deal with it since he passed before telling them. To this day, both of my parents’ but especially my father’s behaviours have a pretty negative effect on. Please parents, stop being freaking selfish. Your child should never feel unwanted and should never have to pay for your mistakes and bad choices.
My dad had a 10 year long affair that he hid from all of us. It all came out after I went to college and they ended up getting a divorce. I was absolutely devastated, even as an adult child. My Dad was my hero growing up and my view of him was completely ruined. He was never sorry for what he did, he completely justified it. He then went on to marry the other woman about 8 months after the divorce. My brother and I were expected to both be in the wedding with smiles on our faces. My brother even had to give a Best Man’s speech. It’s been 15 years since then and my Dad and my’s relationship will never be the same. I’ve lost all trust and respect for him. It’s heartbreaking. If you’re being tempted to have an affair, JUST SAY NO!
I’m 21 years old and my mom left us to live across the country in August. She lied and told us she was leaving for her mental health and for a job, and when I asked whether she was leaving for another guy on our last one on one dinner, she denied it. We found out later that she had lied to all of us. She was my best friend for 21 years and she lied to my face. I NEVER want to see her again. I don’t wish her any harm, but I never want a relationship with her again. Don’t have kids and screw them over like this later, no matter how old they are.
“do not demand that they forgive and let it go.” man. this can be really hard in Asian families where you are supposed to give utmost respect to your parents. However this has been warped to such an ideal, where a child of ultimate filial piety respects his parents so much, that he will not need an apology to forgive – and hence by extension, that parents are not required to apologize. Yet, parents constantly demand apologies from their children. They are taught to “say sorry!” robotically without knowing what a good apology looks like and how that would work to repair and restore relationships. sigh
Thank you for this, truly My mom cheated on my dad when I was 10 years old and having to witness this fallout firsthand was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to experience in my life It’s affected me to the point where I had trust issues for a time and I had fears of it while I’m in my relationship because of that traumatic event It’s hard for me to ever forgive my mom or the man she cheated on my dad with, but then again, my dad wasn’t always the best guy to begin with due to his anger issues Sorry that this is such a downer, but you making this article really brought to mind a lot of those memories and gave me some things to consider
My mom was a home recker. She fully admitted to likeing when married men fight over her. My siblings and I were shunned by the people of our home town because of her actions. “I don’t want my kids playing with HER kids…” “oh you’re HER kids aren’t you?” “you’re not welcome here, you’re related to that tramp.” I use to think I was really stupid or a bad student because I was never accepted in extra circular activity’s in school, but the truth was I was being neglected by my teachers because my mom ruined the lives of my teachers fiends and family members. our lives were ruined before we were even old enough to have one. Please don’t cheat. you’re family WILL suffer the consequences of your actions, even if they are innocent 10 year olds, people will shun and neglect them.
I walked in on my mother in bed with my dads best friend, but being only 8/9 at the time I naively believed her when she replied to my question of “who is that in bed with you?” after pulling the covers up quickly, with ” it’s your dad”. I can still remember to this day,nearly 50 yrs later, the shock I felt when dad came home just like normal after work, I asked my father “what are you doing coming home now, you were in bed with mom this morning when I came home from school” 😵💫 At that time not knowing how this might stick in my memory. This has definitely put me at a disadvantage in forming lasting relationships, as the trust issues of thinking if my mother can cheat on my father, then my girl can cheat on me. It’s been so difficult, and never even been addressed until now. This is going to be a tough journey.
As a kid whose father cheated… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he did no matter what words he used to apologize… What he did was wrong, and I can’t trust him no more, and can’t love him the same anymore, and yet can’t hate him cause he pays all the bills, you know… I’m too indebted to him to be able to hate him, yet I can’t seem to love him after what he did.
SO TRUE! My son resents his father and talks about it more and more as he grows up. Im raising my son with high moral authority and my son is the complete opposite of his father. He is empathetic, honest, trustworthy, kind and has morals. My son will be the best husband and the best father when he grows up!! I am teaching him better bc when you KNOW better you DO better. ❤
A guy I knew made himself a list what would happen and who would be hurt if he cheated. He looked at it regularly. I really like the idea because it is so, so much you will loose, especially when you have kids! I would be interested in the perspective of the child (grown up or not) if the harm is already done.
I was talking to an elderly woman lately about the red flags I’ve seen because I’m pretty sure that my husband is cheating. She started talking about how her dad was always cheating on her mom. 70 years old and you could still see the pain on her face and the anger in her voice when she was talking about her dad. It’s sad that my kids will face the same.
My ex left me for another woman. He tried to cover it up by telling the kids that the reason for the divorce was our mutual problems and that we both wanted it. I just wanted out because of all the hurt. They did find out about her soon after though. Eventually, I had to sit my kids down and tell them that what their dad did was wrong because I felt like they needed to know how much it hurt a marriage partner to do that. They accepted that but they never turned against him. They love him. I try my best not to say any bad things about him. The other woman broke up with him a few years later and now he’s with a much better woman. It’s been five years and I’m only now in a relationship. Sometimes, I think it’s unfair that he got someone right for him straight away and I had so much healing to do to get to where I am now. But then, I’m so grateful for my personal growth and how strong I’ve become. I also have an amazing bond with my now adult kids. I just want them to be happy and I’m glad they have a good relationship with their dad. I sincerely hope that it hasn’t affected them psychologically. They say it hasn’t. But you just don’t know.
Part of my childhood CPTSD is that every adult made me privy to the affairs going on in the family(basically NONE of the adults were faithful and most felt the need to tell me about it) and nutshell result: it’s nearly impossible for me to have any kind of trust/faith/security in relationships and I avoid dating because infidelity and heartbreak seem inevitable and I’d rather not put myself through that.
You brought me back to a sad moment in my life. The moment my father tells my mom, and me because I was the only son home at the moment, that he was cheating on her. He got another women into pregnant, and that women broke a family, because she didn’t want to drop down the pregnancy. And so in age 17.6 my parents divorced, we had a beautiful villa, got sold, the house was destroyed. Never felt real connection to this so called family anyway, but now everything was ruined. And when I was 18, my sister was born. 18 years difference, do you get it? And I am the small child of the original 3 brothers. The mid brother is 8.6 years older than me, and the big one is a decade older than me. We always disowned the new women, and for a time we all disowned our father too. Because he justified himself, gave excuses, blamed my mother, who was in such sorrow, she even once tried to kill herself. My two brothers disowned the sister, I didn’t. But I don’t see her very often, only when my father, sometimes brings her to family gatherings. But on daily life there is no connection, not that I don’t care or don’t love, it’s just too big of a gap to fill in. I just wanted to share
I have a friend who found out about her dad’s affair 14 years later after it happened. The dad’s excuse was: “You were a very sensitive child who got sick a lot, that was too much to handle”. They told her about that the year she was finally happy (she was dealing with low-self esteem way before finding out), embracing her true self, handling two jobs, and being in a nice relationship. She was 21 at that time, so sad to see how finding out affected her and changed her vibe. She’s doing better now, she’s 26 and still learning a lot about relationships and life itself. We’re still friends, thank god she didn’t cut me off during her sad period, I never left.
Yep. This happened with my Mom and Dad after 30 years of marriage. My Dad never said anything bad about my Mom cheating, but it still has an affect on all of us kids after years. Right now we all have good relationships, but it did come after apologies and years of different behavior. I echo what some other people are saying, maybe do a article for kids on how to respond to it. Going to therapy has helped, but refreshers are good!
Wonderful message!! Shame it’s 27 years too late for my father to hear (not like he’d ever admit fault for anything). But I do hope people learn this lesson before making this kind of mistake in life, and have said mishap follow them for decades after. I’m the bitter proof that the child from a failed marriage will NEVER forgive an unfaithful parent for their actions, especially if said parent tries to weaponize their kids after a divorce against their previous lover.
On one hand I don’t think I have heard many psychologist talk about infidelity. On the other hand, even then I can tell that you speak like I would hear it often. I LOVE integrity. I prefer truths, even if they’re a bitter pill to swallow. It’s empowerment to make informed decisions. That’s why I love how you talk to – and about – people who were unfaithful to their partner and family. You don’t sugar coat and say the truth. At the same time, you have regard for people being lost, flawed and inconsistent and making a mess. I see you reaching out, because it can give people a chance to redirect themselves in time. Or to “get back on the horse” by taking ownership, taking responsibility and getting to work in re-forging integrity. Integrity being the cup to hold respect, regard, capacity for being a part of a society that gets better, the more of us work on our cups (for whatever reason). It’s about us cracking our cup open and then eventually getting confused why everything starts to leak through our fingers. Strangely enough, survivors and offenders suffer that very same damage in most cases. Eventually not noticing what they did or what they suffered, but somehow there’s always water on the floor and oddly enough it starts to be more difficult to move and/or there’s sudden slip ups. Some struggle to notice what’s going on till they’re at the brink of drowning or already drowning. Kintsugi was introduced on this website. Mending the broken cup with gold. Eventually even receiving a cup that is even more precious and capable than before.
my dad cheated on my mum when i was 11, i still remember really vividly when my mum told me and i said to her ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen to us’ i was so confused. my parents are still together, they fight a lot but we never talk about it anymore. she used to use it against him in arguments in front of me and my sister saying ’why dont you go and live with her and her kids i bet they’re amazing’ which was really upsetting for me. i still feel like i wasn’t enough for my dad. they made up the first time and then my mum found out he was in contact with the woman again. i really struggle with trusting people now. i still wonder if he is still in contact with her or if he still sees her. i will always feel betrayed
I grew up in a family with a cheating father, and now I’m also living in one. I’m trying so hard to stay together and act really well as if everything is great in front of kids like my mom did her entire life, but it gets tough sometimes. I have another respect for my mom… she still thinks I don’t know, but it slipped out of my dad’s mouth when he came out of surgery and was under the influence of anesthesia. I will never tell my mom that I know, not letting her sacrifice to become useless
I just found out that my father is cheating on my mother. When I was having dinner with him, he took pictures of the food and he had never done before. Then I asked him “Why are you taking picture of the food?” He said, “I send it to your mom.” Actually, I had asked him this question a several times before and he just kept silence never respond but I know he was hiding something. All I want is he could realize and stop this ridiculous thing and I could still pretend like nothing happened. But today the words he said just totally disgusting. Finally, he lost my trust and my respect. I would never forgive him.
My family growing up was destroyed by my mother’s obsession with having multiple affairs. Eventually we were told that she had narcissistic tendencies and had put all of my family through her abusive behaviors. I have 2 sisters and my one sister and I have already gone no contact with her because of all of this. I want her to get better but after things repeating for so long I have lost hope for this.
This spoke to me. Recently I was told that my mom had cheated on my dad with her high school ex because her friend convinced her to. I’m not going to get into it but this caused me so much anxiety and pain after the divorce. She kept not coming home some nights when I was young and I was oblivious. She said that she was going to “a friends house”. I now know it was more than a friend.
I was home when I was little for my mom’s affairs, 2 different men. I tried to tell my dad what was happening. I got my butt beaten. I held on to my mom’s secret and, being home for her acts, I held on for 12 years, and I am 32 now it STILL affects me. My mother’s reason she deserves happiness. I told her everyone deserves happiness. I really wish she could say sorry but she’s always right. But both parents were toxic in many other ways. I can’t let it go yet. I am in therapy for many trauma because I am struggling alone
Yes. I found out today that my mom is cheating on my dad. I hate her now. She totally ruined my trust and everything. Her mistake. She’ll never get my trust again or at least not soon enough. Yea I still love her but not as I used to. I started to think: Maby she was lonely… Maby I should do something about her lonelyness… But no. She didn’t even regret it that much and she blames me for telling dad. I don’t wanna see her anymore >:(
My dad wasn’t a good husband – he drank and was anti-social, but he desperately loved my mom. My mom, who I imagine wanted to be with someone who wasn’t drunk most of the time, ended her last(?) affair in 2011 when my dad found out. They didn’t divorce, but my dad, yes, started trying to use my sister and me as therapists. He also drank more, ate less, lost his job, gained a significant amount of weight… He had already struggled with anxiety and depression, but the affair cost him his will to live. He didn’t die by suicide in the way we normally think of it, but he was dead two years after he discovered the affair. Within 5 months of his death, my mom introduced her new boyfriend (not the guy she had the affair with), and I’ve always suspected that their relationship started before my dad died. I can sympathize with my mom’s choices in some ways, but I haven’t been able to shake the idea that she’s to blame for my dad’s early death. I love my mom, but I’ve definitely lost a lot of respect for her, and I do hate her boyfriend, but mostly because he’s a homophobic, transphobic POS. The whole thing put a big wedge in my relationship with my mom, and I’ve spent the last 9 years mourning my relationships with both of my parents.
Cheating involves lying, manipulating your family’s perceptions of reality. You and your spouse should agree together on your relationship structure. It should be monogamous or not, but you have to agree. And if your marriage is open, there has to be agreement also about what that looks like. If you can’t agree or if one of you unilaterally goes rogue, such as cheating, the effects will be toxic. You have to be honest. If you no longer feel the agreement you have is working for you, ask to renegotiate. Don’t lie and cheat.
Right now, accross the hall, my parents are fighting again. He lied about something, she believes he is hiding things again and I’m so so tired. My aunt called me this noon, she heard something and apparently she now wants to talk with me about it; I don’t wanna even think about what it might be. A year ago my mom found out he cheated on her for eight months, he got covid from the woman and infected all if our family; he almost died because of it, my mom almost died because of it, my siblings could have DIED and to think that now things are indicating that he is lying again, that he did not care about that, that he does not care that he will loose us if that happens again. I don’t even know how to feel. In my family money is not exactly “abundant” and neither of my parents are great at saving money so I usually saved what I could from birthdays, christmas, etc. to have a bit of extra money in case it was needed. Some times for things like groceries or taxis, or something like that. If they really needed it and I had enough I would give them all I had for payments they must do or other things. Its supposed to be borrowed but from time to time they would pay me less than what I gave them or completely forget and not pay me at all. I did not mind, I really did not care, I was happy to help. But later I found out that he had used a bunch of money that I gave him (almost all my savings from the year) and gave it to that woman. I do not know for what, I do not want to know, but suddenly I cared and I cared too much.
You know what, the point made about taking accountability as a parent for infidelity I think actually made a huge difference in my life as a child of a parent who cheated. My mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant, they eventually divorced, she gave birth to my sister, and years later she married the man she cheated with (my sister’s father). I think I had a difficult time accepting the other man (they eventually divorced after he cheated on her, go figure), but that is also largely due to many other problematic aspects he brought into the family and how he has treated my sister. As far as my mom is concerned, she has always been EXTREMELY regretful of her decisions and has always said it was the worst decision she has ever made (leaving my dad). According to her, my dad refused to sign divorce papers up until she gave birth to my sister because he was still trying to make the marriage work, but my mom felt too guilty–my dad was too good for her. She knows and accepts that she did something wrong, and she has always been open about that fact with me and my siblings, and while I think it was an immoral action I don’t hold it against her as a person and as my mother.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren’t special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren’t doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn’t have the courage to confront her about it, now all I’m doing is waiting it out until I’m old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
My dad cheated on my mom about 8 months ago. I try to avoid talking to him in any way possible. Since I’m an adult it’s easier but he still comes to my family home to get my kid sisters on the weekend. He brings his mistress to pick up my sisters and it pisses me off. He still pretends not to know why I don’t talk to him. I don’t like how he discusses these things with the older sister. She says he misses me but I know that’s one of his tactics. I have to accept that we will never be family again. Not like how it used to be. He proposed to his now-fiancee two months ago. My parents have only been divorced for three months. He says he wants to try for a baby with her. When he left he said he wanted to be free and not have to be responsible for a family. His fiancee has 4 children one of them is a ten yo lives with them. I will never understand my dad. I choose to let it go. Sometimes It hurts every now and then but I’m happy I gave up on him. I’m proud I made it this far. I’m glad my mom left him. When she tried to fix their marriage I had less respect for her. I know that’s judgy but I’m being honest. It took a lot to be where I am now. My healing is really starting
My father slept around, and considered it him answering his needs: that men have ‘needs’, and he was a man, and he could gratify them if he didn’t get gratified at home. So he blamed my mother, to me, for not sexually satisfying him. And the last one called to the house., to talk to my mother. He honestly stopped being a ‘parent’ at that stage, I have no expectation of him at all. I don’t think he noticed, he still considers himself the man, the one who should never be anything other than the top of the pile. It is his movie, and he is always the hero.
My mother had stroke in 2012, and i found out in 2014 that my dad had been having affair since mom got stroke cuz she couldn’t have sex with him anymore. When i found out, he told me, to this day, the worst thing anyone could possibly say to me, and that was: You don’t want your mom to die of stroke cuz she relapses from your words (about the affair) do you?. He was ready to blame me, if mom finds out, and if mom dies. I had paradigm shift, he was no longer someone i respect, not even now. His words, his morals, his deeds, everything disgusts me and i just wanna slap a billboard on his head saying “Hypocrite” on it. My mother did ask whether my dad has a new woman to me, and i wished God would take my life then and there. For 3 years after her death i tortured myself physically and mentally for not supporting my mother enough for being just as horrible as him because i kept the affair a secret–in fear that she’d die of relapse. The happier they got as family, the quicker my siblings call that slut Mother, the more intense i torture myself. Because it didn’t feel right. They shouldn’t be happy, they don’t deserve it, i contributed to this, i made this possible, if i should live my life in torture to atone then so be it, as i let my mother die in torture. If i eat, i vomit it all out. If i sleep, i set alarm every 30 minutes so i could never get good sleep. At some points i’d even bite and hit myself each time i forgot to torture myself mentally. Repeat for 3 months, the cart i’ve been trying so hard to push finally moved on its own.
My mother had two very public affairs..resulting in an addition to the family…it absolutely destroyed us. We felt ( and were told on a regular basis ) that we were in her way. My father was too quiet, and she made dirt of him. On top, extreme violence from her, regular beatings, from her. Poverty and plain dirt. Minimum housework done..it was dreadful. I can honestly say it affected all of us, and she created division between the siblings that ran into adulthood…wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy…
My mother caught my father cheating, she was devastated . Later that day I discovered those chats and I was heartbroken . And later I caught my mom having an affair also . I was 14 or 15 at that time I didn’t know what to do . I never confronted my father but confronted my mother she beat the s**t out me and left me crying . She didn’t felt guilty .also at that time I was bullied as well, I craved for attention as all of my friends have some type of boyfriends or crush but I was rejected by my crush all the time . I craved for attention all the time . I was not soo close to my father soo I never confronted him . But my mother later said she stopped having an affair but it was a lie . Later I caught her 4 5 times chatting with that guy . When the last time I caught her she was angry at me for being immature and acting out . My mother and father are still together but I still have trust issues . Like if they are talking to other guy or girl I want to kill the latter . Really I am a highly sensitive person and it really hurts me, I have moved on but I cry out whenever I think about those things . I never want to be in relationship because of this. I have a younger sister and I don’t want her to know anything about this and have trauma throughout of her life. I came to this article to help with my anxiety but cried my heart out when I realized it’s okay to have those feelings it’s okay to be not be grateful all of the times .
My mom just done this to my dad. Cheated on him. After 23 years. My sister read her messages and knew about it for months now and blurted out out yesterday. I had my suspicions but didnt want to say anything because I didnt want to cause issues incase iw as just being paranoid. I knew she was doing it but I was in denial. I was so close to my mom, she was like me friend I told her everything. I even told her when the first time I tried vaping, tried weed, had sex for the first time. I trusted her with my life and she knew every last thing about me. Now I can’t even see myself talking to her again and it really hurts man. I cried yesterday so hard I had a panic attack 🙁
I really appreciate this article, especially your comment that restoring a relationship with a child (of any age) is really challenging after an affair. It does mean taking ownership and spending many years working to rebuild trust. So few therapists speak about how infidelity effects children so thank you.
My Dad had an affair and involved me (his daughter) in his lies and deceit when I was 10. How does this affect my long term romantic relationships with men as a woman now? How does this affect my relationships with women? My whole life I felt like I’ve had internalized misogyny. Wonder if it stemmed from my male family members showing me early on in life, that it was ok to disrespect women and treat them like objects.
Thank you so much for this article! I thought for years that I was overreacting, and now I know: It’s not my fault why I can’t trust my mother anymoer. My mother cheated on my father 17 years ago, and even more worse: the person she had an affair with was my uncle! The husband of my father`s sister. They are married now, and I had to live with them 7 years, what was a complete nightmare, because my uncle/ stepdad is a narcist and controlfreak. I got punished almost every day because he thought I was lying to him in almost everything, what was complete bullsh*it. Until today, she claimes that they hadn’t slept toghether before she finished of the relationship with my father. But my brother, me, her sister and half of my familie know that she is lying. They met each other several times without telling anyone. She tangled herself in a web of lies which doesn’t make any sense, and isn`t even clever enough to remember her own stories, contradicting herself over and over again. Also, she is such a manipulativ person. She really nails the victim role, masterly playing the crocodile tears-card, and in that way succeded in letting my father standing there as the bad guy for years. A long time, I was too naive and had a too soft heart to understand this. I’m 30 years now, and I have nearly zero trust and zero respect for my mom left. I’m not blaiming her for falling in love with another man, but they destroyed two families, and we, their children, aren’t even worth the truth for them. Also, she watched for 7 years while my stepdad took control over everything that affected me, how he stole my money, punished me for nothing, and didn’t gave me the possibility for private sphere.
I am really devastated I found out that my mom is cheating on my father Then….when I asked about this she told me that my father used to cheat on my mother frequently and used to not care for her… then eventually he changed a little bit and stopped cheating and trying to be nice He never try to understand my mother Now……I don’t know what to do I am angry on both and myself for making this as excuse for not focusing on my preparation This is affecting me and my studies
my dad cheated on mom. It’s difficult because I’ve never seen him express any remorse about it or apologize. I think I had a lot of repressed feelings about it. When he cheated on my mom, I was still in high school I was 16, and I think I supressed it tried to forgive him bc my parents stayed together, I thought one day he will apologize. But he still hasn’t, and in fact the signs are there that he’s still cheating on her. And honestly I can’t trust him anymore, can’t even talk to him. I tried to think what’s happening to me but it’s those repressed feelings coming out. I talked to him last year that if he’s still cheating I’m never going to agree with that although we his kids forgave him in the past. It hurts me as daughter, he was my hero. I don’t even know what to do with these feelings. I just hope I can move away, that way at least I don’t have to pretend I’m fine.
i’m 17, only child about to leave to college soon. i’ve had my suspicions that my mom is cheating on my dad for a while, but i always kind of brushed it off cause i didn’t want to believe it. recently, i saw her texting a guy (one of my old friend’s dad) who she’s clearly having an affair with based on how they talk to each other. obviously i’m not sure what to do, and i just hate her so much right now because from what i’ve seen all my life my parents have never had problems and they look happy. i’m tempted to confront her about it and go off on her but i know that’s not the right thing to do. i just want her stupid actions to be exposed. it just sucks so much to know what she’s doing but i still have to treat her like she’s not ruining our family. at this point i’m just yearning to move out to not be around her anymore, and i don’t plan on visiting often even if she gets mad cause she doesn’t deserve to spend time with the family she clearly doesn’t think about risking. i’m just so lost 🙁
Would love your input on this. A dad broke his marriage over a younger woman. Also got arrested for hitting his wife in front of kids before leaving the family. Then started a new relationship, forced children to spend weekends with new girlfriend, kids got close to her and now love her, call her stepmom. Then dad cheats on stepmom with same younger woman he broke marriage the first time. Now dad is mentally trying to manipulate oldest child, the daughter, saying his new relationship won’t work unless she accepts woman, that he deserves to be happy, and he knows his other 2 sons will do what the oldest daughter decides. Can you comment on it if possible? This is causing them a lot of anxiety and mental issues. Thank you in advance. Now kids feel like father has broken hearts of 2 women they love, mom and stepmom. They got close to stepmom and now slowly they feel that relationship will fade.
My husband started his relationship with his mistress while we’re married. Then introduce my kids to his mistress. Not even 5 months after moving out, it was the worst thing that he could ever do. I know my kids watch him. Have these intimate moments as they hide up in their room at his house. Hes chosen her over him. And that’s the only explanation for that’s the only way you can see it, and there’s no explaining yet. Try to explain that to him, but it doesn’t matter, hes gonna do it..
I think better than waste your years living in resentment and having a cloud over your head each time your see your partner mood change. Better move on, focus on yourself and start fresh with a mature person. Having clean break up much better than continue living with a cheater, but this is my personal take on a situation and this is how I’m going to teach my kids. Relationships aren’t guaranteed to work out and we can’t control what other people do. Everyone is teaching you how to make it work but no one is teaching you how to end dysfunctional relationship. Continue working on unworkable you are preventing yourself from living life the way you want to live it and there is so much more to life other than marriage. I think the other spouse should hold off on trashing cheating parent to a kid. The only thing you can do is to tell them the truth when they are older but don’t go out of your way to bash the other parent. If the parent takes 50% responsibility, coparenting, pays support they are already contributing. Speak to a professional if you have to, act in the interest of the children and continue living your life.
My father left when I was three, my step father was with us from a little after that to last June. He cheated 6 years ago, got therapy, and we forgave him. But he cheated again last year. Me and my mother haven’t been the same since. It doesn’t help that he’s incredibly manipulative and psychopathic.
Thank you for this insightful post. Could you please do another version of this without the movie clips? I request this earnestly.. My father keeps asking why we won’t allow him into our lives. He never admitted to or acknowledged his constant affairs, physical and emotional abuse at home. He wants to now have a relationship with his adult children and wants to use us as his social security in his old age. I’m a Christian and I feel so burdened by God’s command to honor our parents while finding it impossible to have a relationship with a parent who minimizes and who pretends to be completely oblivious to the damage he has caused. I want to send this article as a response to his importunate requests for a renewed relationship but I find it so difficult to articulate all the pain while being constantly gaslighted.. So, please put out another article that doesn’t seem to make light of this deep seated hurt. Thank you
My mum had an affair. She divorce my dad during it. It smashed our family. I lost my relationship with my sister as we were forced to take sides. My mum turned my sister against her dad. My relationship with my mum is almost gone. I took over my mum’s role and give up my 20s to look after my dad until he died. All I wanted my mum and dad talked. I wanted my mum to try but she did not.
I agree with what you said! My grandfather cheated on my grandmother and even though she has passed and he ended up having a family with the other woman, my mother and her siblings never truly forgave him even after he killed himself 3 decades after. Honestly, looking back at it know, i felt bad for my mom. She clearly loved her dad but never trusted him enough to show that love. My mom and her siblings sent money to my grandfather out of obligation but all the warmth and respect has long been gone before I was even born. My frandfather and grandmother are both deceased. Until this day, my mother refuses to acknowledge the other woman as his step mother and her step siblings as blood. Mom said she can be civil but she will forever see her as the woman who has caused her beloved mother so much heartache. When I was a child, my dad like teasing my younger siblings. He has never cheated on my mother to make things clear but likes making unwarranted jokes. There is a heirarchy among siblings in most Asian households where the eldest’s word carry more weight. Now I heard my dad joking. I looked at him with all seriousness and told him that if he ever betrays our family, then he is as good as dead to me. He never made unsavory jokes again. Children feels tension in the household whether the infidelity is made public or not.
I was a kid when my mom had an affair she sign papers and gave me to my dad. Because of what she did she lost her job the way her family thinks about her. It took a long time for me to forgive her. Now my parents are friends and I have a great relationship with my mom. It maybe not the one I wanted but it works. If your reading this, please don’t do something that’ll hurt your kid or yourself. Please take from the kid’s view point.
I feel broken from it. I officially found out just over a year ago that my dad cheated…but I knew before because I walked in on him trying to buy sex I think. I was 10. And now in my current relationship, I feel terrified of betrayal. My partner showing any signs of attraction to someone makes me panic and want to run and hide, even though he is a great man and loyal. I love my dad, but I hate that he did this. It completely ruptured my sense of what long term love and commitment is
My father cheated on my mom almost 20 years ago and as an 8 year old child my first though was that it was because of me because all I knew about what dad did at the time was that that’s how families were made so my 8 year old brain understood was that “daddy was not happy with me so he decided to start a new family” and from that my father and I were always distant. When mom took him back I felt betrayed because we had a great life without him then the son of a bitch died before I became old enough to actually have a conversation with him about his actions.
when he still lived with us, my father had a ton of affairs. he’d even bring people into our house sometimes and tell us to stay in our rooms. each and every one of us has been aware of it since we were all little kids, and our mom knew too. see, he’s always been “the villain” and didn’t seem to care that what he did would affect us in any way. except it doesn’t feel like it did? like i genuinely do not care at all about his cheating, and neither does my mother, according to her. it doesn’t seem to have affected me or my siblings in any readily noticeable way. is it possible it has and we just aren’t aware of it ?
My mom had an affair when I was only a year old. I was never sure why I had so much hostility towards her but when my dad told me what she had done to him and us I felt so betrayed. He had been working two jobs to support her lifestyle and me being welcomed to the world. She cheated on him with a coworker of theirs and he was broken, had to go to therapy for years. He still has trouble talking about it 18 years later but he’s better now without her. I still don’t know how to feel about it but I haven’t told my mom I know and I’m not sure when I ever will. I am just trying to understand how she could do this to him. Did she never love him or was I a mistake between a marriage that she wanted so desperately to end.
What would a person do if their parents were both divorced and remarried but the stepdad cheated on the mom and the mom chose to forgive the stepdad, and then the step dad became progressively more toxic and disrespectful towards the mother? My friend’s mom wants her to be nice to her stepdad but she just doesn’t like him. My friend is so scared of relationships because she didn’t grow up around good relationships.
My dad is currently cheating on my mom kinda have been for a while. They fight every day about now whenever they scream i tell my dad to stop and scream as hard as possible just to get his attention but he’s just like “oh son I’m sorry” and then he keeps on fighting but I ignore him I just really pray for them to stop I still don’t want them to divorce even though it is the best for them. But at the same time I want them to stay together, as 2 parents.
My dad acts like innocent but he’s cheating since 2 yrs. I got to know about it like 1 yr back. My mom is so innocent, she does’nt even know about it and she loves him. I am not able to ask my dad about this matter, he is good person but never expected he would cheat at this age. Its so disgusting to see him daily and I would feel angry, my bloop pressure increases after seeing him. But I am not able to ask him about this matter. I would make sure this matter would not be known to my mom. If she gets to know, she would get deeply hurt. I am not able to focus on my career bcoz of this matter. My father is still cheating with his colleague but I dont know what to do. Shall I ask him what is he doing or this matter would get worse if I ask him. This matter making me mentally ill
Shoot, I found that when I was 11 that my dad was a serial cheater. And he’s married to my mom. He just had at least one other person at any moment. And he’s a church elder so he’s deciding on the fate of church members who are doing the same thing, and preaches blah blah. And he NEVER admitted it. Ever. Alley alone apologize. Every couple years or so he sends a message requesting a blank slate without even acknowledging anything. And everyone is looking at me like I’m the drama queen because I don’t just go along with the story.
I’m still a kid and I had found out both my parents cheated on each other. My mom started when I was really young like just started 6th grade and she took me to meet the guy and made me keep the secret because I didn’t want my dad do divorce. I can see what this article means by saying it’s hard for them to come back from, because she then tried to take her own life. It’s hard for me to forgive her tho, because it was for such a big part of my life. Then recently I just found out my dad was talking to other women during that time, and I had just been villainizing my mom, I actually wanna die
My father cheated on my mother. She found out while we were on holidays and he stayed behind to “take care of our dogs”…At first she made a decision to divorce him but when we got back she didn’t. Both my brother and I were backing her up on the divorce. He is a narcissist that everyone loves but behind closed doors he’s so horrible. I am so conflicted. Somedays I forgive him but others I hate his guts. As time has gone on his apologetic behaviour went away and his yelling and abusive language came back and my mom still won’t leave him because of the stigma in our culture around divorce. I cant wait to get a job and leave them but it hurts these were the cards I was dealt
After 38 years my parents divorce and I found out it was because of multiple affairs on both sides that happened in the early years of the marriage. They wanted to fix it but they let their anger get in the way and now I feel like their is a giant knot in my throat and I can’t breath. As a child I felt it was my fault because one affair happened during the toughest time of my childhood. I was struggling making friends I had a weight problem and I was failing in math, and I thought if I hadn’t been so needy if I had been the kid that our neighbors were (A+ students, waking up at 5:30 am, on a sports team) that my parents wouldn’t have done with what they did.
My dad cheated on my mom when i was around 3 and my sister was 14, he divorced her and married that woman and i have no idea for how long cause we don’t remember her.. Again both me and my sister did not know this until recently as my mom started talking about it more, but honestly it has fucked us over more than we initially thought. My sister don’t remember her whole childhood and teen years so she dosen’t recall much about the divorce and that time. And i never knew why my parents divorced because my mom and dad was so great at keeping the tone and piece at celebrations and when he dropped me off from my weekend visit. But i have also been told by my mom and sister (my sis choose to live with dad) that my sister came home to us and slept quite often as she was scared of being alone at home when my dad had night shifts, I do not recall my sister coming home to us, in fact i told people i was an only child because i never saw her and i cannot recall her being there even at my birthdays or at Christmas so my mind has prob also blanked out some things from that time..
Well my dad had an affair almost 12 years ago and mom left, and hey stayed with her. Then had kids with her reccently at the age of 61. It’s just like constant blows to my mental health. From the age of 16-28 i’m struggling with these father wounds. Doesn’t help that my mother is narcissistic and cruel either. Im really struggling with my father and mother wounds at 28. I just want to live and not survive anymore. Funny thing is, i’m in somewhat of a safe stable environment and I just realized, i’m still living in survival mode. I want to live for me.
If you can’t be a loyal monogamous partner, take the better road and either negotiate with your spouse to open the relationship consensually, or end the marriage and do the work on yourself to be able to have relationships going forward that are CNM/polyamorous. Absolutely BE HONEST with your children about who you authentically are. They love you and trust you to care for them with highest integrity.
I saw my dad cheating on mom yesterday i saw him chatting another woman in his phone updating her on his every move and saying i love you to her i don’t know what to do i wanted to find the text in his phone to show mom but then when i finally opened his phone the messages was already deleted and i have no proof to show mom i don’t know what to do
My daughter who is 33 years old and has been married 10 years. Just told me a few weeks ago she’s been having an affair for about a few years now. Some degree her husband is excepting it. And they agreed to stay together for the sake of the two kids to seven and four. Does she reading a double lie, they have family time together family vacations together holidays things like that come home, but on her days off and freedom she’s going out with the person she’s having a fair with going out to dinners traveling going to concert going to event having a fun life I suppose and I just think it even though they think maybe they’re helping the kids I agree with you that they’re pretending the kids are going to find out someday And that they didn’t work on their marriage to make it work and get a divorce set up a new life and then bring somebody else in heart. Heartbreaking to watch the kids think they have a great life right now the kids are young mommy and daddy love each other took him to a week in Canada. They stay at Walt Disney World, but yet she’s a different life. I don’t see how well my ex had an affair on me destroy your heart and your family. I don’t know how my husband can deal with it except she knows what it’s like to come from a divorce family and maybe that isn’t what he wants to have And I’m really shocked about my daughter and I can thousand miles away and my daughter want to speak to me and we haven’t really discussed anything because she just sent it to me to text that’s it I guess in her heart she knows that maybe you know, I’m not gonna approve of youbut I haven’t said anything anything that I should do and I’m sure they’re probably isn’t so I can’t help but wonder what I can do?
Even a divorce without cheating can be hard if the new partner is found real quick. I will never address my step parent by anything but there first name. There kids that are now step siblings are nothing more than her kids that show up at holidays. Although I was a young adult at the time which maybe made it a bit easier…..maybe. Cheating or divorce can both be negative depending on the relationship.
This was me and spoke to me 💯! I had an affair and my spouse found out by going through my phone and now, months later, my spouse and I are STILL not in a good place. It’s gotten SO BAD between my spouse and I that I’ve been ‘living’ with my parent’s and our girls (we have 3 under 13yo) are splitting time between each parent. We haven’t divorced, we’re just separating to see if this marriage is even worth saving…
My parents cheated on each other and didn’t try to hide it they weren’t good for each but seeing the infidelity made me feel lonely like there’s no one I can count on my siblings morals suck and I keep trying to reach out but I keep getting invalidated/made fun of and they dare question why I cut my wrist
Today at this time date my mom told me a story that my dad cheated on my mom with another woman while i was born and today my dad is going to cheat again and my mom is knowing it but he denied it and my mom is saying she will leave and I can’t stop crying my breath get out of control because I’m obsessed with my mom is it gonna affect me bad?
My father used to flirt with ladies all the time even when he was married to my maa and 2 yrs back she found out that he is cheating on her with multiple women’s.. It’s been 2 freaking yrs she’s been facing physical and mental abuse and their is no one to help her my father’s parents support him for his rare good fucking work and even my maternal grandparents acuse my mother for fighting with my father for silly reasons and I am an indian girl who is 16 and I have a younger brother who is 12 so I am trying my best for 2 year’s to support my maa mentally and trying to study in this environment..I guess indian constitution have so many laws for women’s who are not earning but still wants a divorce like my maa (atleast she should get an allimoney for our education and living)..but the problem is that corruption is more here than providing people thier rights…my so called father is a buisness man and he is earning a lot so he can easily feed some money to the court and police officers…so you got the idea right…
Me and my siblings are not exactly children anymore (we’re 20+ yo) when my dad cheated again. Now that I’m older I’m seeing how he definitely uses his kids to keep my mom in the relationship, which I didn’t realize as a kid who still believed in god. My mom tells me I still gotta respect him cuz he’s my dad and he still loves me, but I don’t see it. It’s hard cuz I thought I’d get to actually know him more since he’s retired but I’ve lost a lotta trust in him from his lies to us as a family and how he consistently uses us in their relationship. And I don’t even like my mom THAT much which fucking sucks
But me know Personen who have build up a relationship on cheatin. And they say is just sex ? Iam very conservativ And based on christion beliven. Thats why iam singl me did no found Personen how want live a life just by one Personen, longer than a few years. There is mindlife Crises and most go back and just accept couse for ect. And than? Who is no. 1 in your life? You or others? Myself is absolut no.1 in my life. All others was you gettin used
tmi but when i was younger my mom would have phone s3x with me in the room and when i would wake up with my teary face red in fury she would continue. she also would tell me that it was her “dream” to leave me to be with that man. it’s been 10yrs my dad sadly forgave her and guess what 😂 she’s been texting that man with the new phone my dad bought her, and he just found out. it’s funny, she thinks we’re going to be in contact when I move out, how cute.
But the other parent?! The “passive” one!? The one that neglected the partener, forgot the duties, stopped giving his share to the team in order to function!? The one that forgot his promises doesn’t send a bad example to the child!? Only the one forced to find happiness and attention outside the marriage, because inside everything was numb and silent, only that one is giving a moral exemple?! Your judgment is not fair!
I don’t think a young child can handle truths like that, because they will end up blaming themselves or despising their parents. When they get much older they can handle the truth about infidelity a little better. I would just say “Mommy and Daddy are taking a break from each other right now, but we still love you very much.” lol I know that sounds cheesy but softens the blow
No I don’t think that you should have your children involved in your mess. Many parents make this mistake and kids start hating the other parent. My parents where together for sixteen years until my mom passed away and I never ever heard them argue or fight. This is an adult issue and children should not be in the middle of this mess. Don’t get married if you are not ready to commit.
Lonnie that’s why children think their parents have the perfect relationship and are aspiring to attain what their parents had not knowing all the drama and infidelity that went on. I would tell my children so they understand not every relationship is perfect however that also doesn’t mean they should choose the same road I chose. Choose what you feel is best for you and your heart. I would tell them when they are older and they are at the age of understanding. I wouldn’t make up I’m sorry, It’s not going to work cheating is disrespectful and unforgivable you have to goooooooo!
Well for me I would say you have to be HONEST with your children… as Tam said don’t go into detail but you do have to make sure that your children understand that at the end of the day yes that’s your parent as well but I’m not with them anymore and just cause we broke up dies not mean we don’t love you any less…. and just cause we aren’t together doesn’t mean you will get to disrespect your father or mother… life happens but YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT ME OR YOUR MOTHER
I think you should be honest, depending on the age of the children. Kids usually can sense an off-ness, wether you say anything or not. I remember even sensing as a child my mother’s unhappiness when my father cheated, and grew up with resentment towards him that is now downsizing STILL TODAY even when they finally divorced, and even at 12 I was just kind of relieved that tension was out. I also feel parents should do what Adrienne explained, by making sure your children are able to separate the love of the parent from their mistakes even though it may be hard to do
When I was younger I knew my parents were going through something. I know they split up for a while… But I never knew why. When I got older (16ish) my mother finally told me about my father’s infidelity. She was afraid to tell me because she didn’t want me to look at my father any differently… But my mother also has no friends (I don’t say that to be mean. She just doesn’t get close to other women. She’s been burned before) so I really just think she needed someone to talk to about it. Because she never had been able to. I’m glad she told me. And I don’t see my father any differently. It brought us closer
Exactly I’m with A on this one. Who you are as a husband is not who you are as a father. When my parents got divorced i felt like i had to take sides and i stood by my moms side and i stayed away from my dad for years and now i regret it because those were their problems not mine and i missed out on a lot of things because of my poor choices.
I am against children knowing about infidelity. I think it puts the child in an uncomfortable situation where they often don’t have the maturity to comprehend the confusing emotions. Instead, I think it’s important to tell the children when divorcing or leaving the spouse that even though you fall in love with a person it doesn’t always work out. Despite the emotions the parents are feeling, I think it’s important to teach that relationships don’t always work out and the changes are for the better.
if we worked it out, then i dont see a reason to tell the kids. and i dont understand adriennes opinion when she says it would help her kids know how real relationships can be. i would much rather have my kids learn it as they grow up then from their own father. by the time your kid is in a relationship, they have the intellect to understand the possibility of getting cheated on or being a cheater themselves. why ruin the way your kid sees their father if you’ve forgiven him? i feel like my comment might be all over the place lol but to keep it short; if it’s resolved, then it’s unnecessary.
When parents are stressed and fighting kids feel that and their stress levels rise as well. If things were bad enough for infidelity children need to physically see the good-natured reconciliation. I think when they are older they can know details and that infidelity happened because they should know the reality of a REAL marriage that requires work and compromise, but telling them “your dad kissing another people etc” just feels petty no matter how you put.