Narcissistic parents often cause children to feel inadequate and unloved, leading to low self-esteem. This can be attributed to their lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations, which can lead to a lack of self-worth and difficulty in forming authentic connections. Negative parenting, which involves neglectful or harmful actions, can impact a child’s development and mental well-being.
The demeaning nature of abuse targets the child’s self-worth, leading to constant criticism and a strong sense of inferiority. Self-esteem serves as a significant mediator, with providing care to an abusive parent being associated with lower self-esteem, which is ultimately associated with greater depression, diminished psychological well-being, and lower levels of life satisfaction.
Children’s awareness of its importance becomes the foundation for building their self-esteem. Dysfunctional families fail to show their children that they are capable of overcoming these challenges. Childhood neglect and trauma can also contribute to low self-esteem, as children may never feel good enough, experience self-erasure, lack self-love and self-care, and have difficulty interpreting their thoughts and feelings.
A child who has experienced trauma has a high chance of developing low self-esteem, particularly in family systems. Abusive mothers manifest lower self-esteem, lower family concept, lower frustrated independence, and greater depression and apathy. To improve one’s self-esteem, it is essential to communicate positively with children and develop techniques to improve one’s self-perception.
📹 Your Self Esteem Was Destroyed In Childhood
Do you have low self esteem? Childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping who we become as adults. You might be …
Do narcissistic parents cause low self-esteem?
As children become more independent, narcissistic parents often feel threatened and engage in manipulation to maintain their children’s attention. They chip away at their children’s self-esteem with critical comments, which can escalate into mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Narcissism is distinguished from narcissistic personality disorder by the frequency, intensity, and duration of displaying narcissistic traits.
While narcissists may exhibit moderate narcissistic behaviors, those with narcissistic personality disorder exhibit them to a severe degree, exploiting others for their own benefit. Both narcissism and NPD can lead to mental, emotional, and physical abuse.
What happens to children who grow up with narcissistic parents?
Narcissistic children often experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, emotional intimacy difficulties, and codependent relationships. To overcome trauma, adult children of narcissists should cultivate a sense of themselves as separate from their narcissistic parent. Seeking support from a counselor or therapist can help them understand the dysfunctional nature of their upbringing and see themselves through their own eyes. Forging emotionally healthy relationships is another way to heal from childhood trauma.
Can childhood trauma cause low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is often linked to past trauma, which can have profound effects on one’s self-perception. Negative core beliefs, such as being unlovable or flawed, can become deeply embedded in trauma, leading to low self-esteem. Trauma survivors may experience intense feelings of shame and guilt, which can erode self-worth and contribute to a negative self-image. Trauma can disrupt the development of a healthy sense of self, leading to a fragmented self-perception and low self-esteem.
Additionally, trauma can result in a pervasive mistrust of others, further isolating individuals and contributing to low self-esteem. Counseling can play a vital role in navigating the complex terrain of low self-esteem rooted in past trauma.
What kind of childhood causes low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem in children can stem from various factors, including feeling unsupported or criticized by important people, especially parents, and feeling unloved and valued. As children grow older, they may experience more academic pressure, leading to feelings of inadequacy in comparison to peers. Low self-esteem can also lead to anxiety or depression, but it can also result from chemical imbalances or underlying health conditions.
To help your child improve their self-esteem, consult with a pediatrician to identify the root cause of their low self-esteem. By doing so, you can help your child develop a more positive outlook on themselves and their abilities.
Which attachment style has the lowest self-esteem?
The study reveals that anxious attachment patterns are linked to increased rejection sensitivity, depression, anxiety, and decreased self-esteem. Attachment is an innate system triggered by anxiety, and it is crucial for children’s healthy development to use their mother as a safe haven during danger or as a safe base for exploratory behavior in safe situations. This attachment is essential for children’s healthy development and safe attachment until attachment occurs.
Does strict parenting lead to low self-esteem?
Strict parenting is often believed to produce better-behaved children, but studies show that it actually leads to lower self-esteem and worse behavior. Strict parenting deprives children of the opportunity to internalize self-discipline and responsibility, which is essential for developing self-discipline. Harsh limits may temporarily control behavior, but they do not help children learn to self-regulate. Instead, they trigger resistance to taking responsibility for themselves.
Self-discipline develops from the internalization of loving limits, and children reject limits that aren’t empathic. Authoritarian parenting, based on fear, teaches kids to bully, as they learn what they live and what they model. Both strict and authoritarian parenting can lead to behavior problems in children, as they see the “locus of control” outside of themselves rather than wanting to behave.
Which parenting style leads to low self-esteem?
This parenting style is typified by parents who are unresponsive and unavailable, which can result in low self-esteem and self-confidence in children. In such cases, children often seek out individuals who serve as inappropriate role models to replace the neglectful parent.
Does narcissistic abuse cause low self-esteem?
Narcissistic abuse is a serious issue that can lead to long-term consequences such as low self-esteem, trust issues, self-doubt, grief, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to common stages of healing, and therapy can be beneficial. Hailey specializes in treating addiction and mental health disorders, while Dr. Benjamin Troy, a seasoned child and adolescent psychiatrist, has extensive experience in treating various mental health conditions.
What is the most damaging effect of parents being too hard on their children?
Excessive academic pressure in children can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, as well as increased stress levels. This pressure can also result in drug use, particularly in teens, to escape negative feelings and improve performance. Additionally, when the focus is on achievement, such as high grades or straight As, children may be more likely to cheat to meet these expectations. In severe cases, this can lead to self-harm or suicide attempts.
What are the negative effects of harsh parenting?
The study found a negative association between harsh parenting and life satisfaction, with negative coping styles playing a mediating role. Harsh parenting, characterized by parental dominance, intrusiveness, and over-control, is associated with negative parent-child interactions, negative self-perceptions, and negative coping styles. Adolescents who have experienced harsh parenting may have negative self-perceptions, negative explanations, and expectations for others and situations.
These individuals have fewer psychological resources, a lower capacity for finding effective solutions, and live with the effects of negative events for a long time, indicating low levels of life satisfaction.
Peer support moderated the direct relationship between harsh parenting and life satisfaction, with the negative association being significant only when college students had low levels of peer support. This confirms the interaction effect between different risk factors proposed by the bio-ecological model of human development. The results also provide evidence of a stress-buffering effect, where social support reduces the negative impact of harsh parenting.
The moderating role of peer support in the relationship between harsh parenting and negative coping styles was also documented, but the pattern of results was different. For college students with low levels of harsh parenting, peer support appeared to be effective in reducing negative coping styles. However, for college students with high levels of harsh parenting, the provision of more peer support was unexpectedly associated with more negative coping styles. The research suggests that the role of peer support is complex and may not be a sufficient buffer in the context of high environmental risk.
How do parents cause low self-esteem?
Self-Esteem-depleting parental behaviors can be categorized into four types: harsh criticism, overprotecting, and overprotecting. Criticizing harshly can be emotionally challenging and can erode a child’s self-esteem and sense of worth, leading to feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration. Overprotecting can prevent a child from developing confidence and competence, as it limits their opportunities to explore, learn, and make mistakes. This can also lead to feelings of anxiety and insecurity, as they may not feel prepared to face the world independently.
Overprotecting can also create a sense of dependence and lack of independence, which can be problematic as children transition into adulthood. In summary, parents who exhibit these self-esteem-depleting behaviors can negatively impact their children’s development and well-being.
📹 How Trauma Wounds Manifest as Low Self-Esteem
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These negative impacts on our self esteem from childhood aren’t limited to what our parents did to us. Some of us also dealt with teachers who treated us this way. And some of us probably had older family friends or neighbors who were like that too. If you’re struggling with low self esteem from childhood but don’t remember your parents doing anything said in this article to you, it’s likely another adult did it to you because our parents aren’t the only people who make an impact on us. Everyone leaves an impact on us
It’s not our parents that are the sole reason why our self esteem can tank as a kid. Sometimes, it’s coming from our peers or from adults who we are supposed to trust. I came from a loving but occasionally dysfunctional family. But at school, I was always mistreated by my peers and teachers. This fueled my negative feelings towards myself.
Oh yeah, my confidence was obliterated in my childhood. The bullying from teachers and students and sometimes my parents just destroyed everything. It got to the point I wanted to unalive myself as a child. When I expressed emotions, I was chastised for it and severely punished. My parents have gotten way better and I’m now surrounded with the best support system. I’m glad to have the people around me
I want to highlight the point of making your own choices and your identity. Before I went in to college, I realized that the major I had declared was not the major I wanted, it was what my parents wanted. Even though I knew deep inside I knew I wanted to study info Sci. when I told my parents they said I was foolish, misguided, and that the career would be nothing. Fast forward 2 years, my parents come to me saying that they heard about someone’s kid studying info Sci and having a 6 figure salary and say “why didn’t you study that?!?” and denied ever saying that the major was pointless. Present day i am studying info science and have distanced myself from my parents. My summary, make your own choices, it’s your life. If your decision doesn’t work out, at-least it was your decision that you can learn from.
Wow! This whole article described my childhood and still unfortunately instill. I have a soon to be 1 year old and I’m scared to pass this on, but I do go to therapy. I cut ties with my toxic “mother”, who called me a “horrible, mentally unstable mother” who will mess up my son’s chi land life. And now, I doubt myself of being a good mother. But, deep down I know I’m an amazing mother. My son is happy, always smiling, healthy boy.
I was constantly bullied, excluded, screamed at and made fun of for making mistakes, had my emotions trivialized, and other garbage. I’m scared to death of failure and have told myself to not dream of the future I want because it’s all impossible and I haven’t succeeded yet. And I’m ashamed to cry in front of anyone and express anger because I was always judged and laughed at for it.
As a child/teen, I was never allowed to be over excited about anything. If I was better than a friend at something, I wasn’t allowed to be excited about it as my Mum thought I was showing off. I wasn’t allowed to show excitement when receiving gifts, I just had to say “Thank you” and get on with life. When I passed my exams at school, I wasn’t allowed to be excited about my results even though I worked very hard to get the results I got. Nowadays, whenever something good happens, or I am given a gift, I know I don’t come across as particularly grateful. I am very grateful of these things but people think I’m disinterested or “could at least show I’m happy.”
My father split when I was 6 and my mother told me from my earliest memory that she hated me and wished I was never born. I was forced my whole life to walk on eggshells and be about to read her mind and know her actions leading up to anger that would always be unleashed on me. I’m 54 years old and still have very low self esteem because moving on from my mother, I surrounded myself with people who sapped it even more. But I am still here and still fighting so there’s truth in the statement “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!”🙏🏼
Parents aren’t the only culprits in ruining a child’s self-esteem. By no means were my parents perfect, but they were fairly good parents. My bullying started in 3rd grade and went through middle school. I went to a very small school so there was no escaping it. I graduated high school with 33 in my class. I went to preschool with some of them. THAT makes a lasting impact, too.
My parents were never the problem, it was other people out to hurt me. Looking back, it was ALWAYS people from outside putting me down, hurting me for laughs, i grew up like that and overtime became cynical and distrusting of people, i also became unable to form new relationships face to face, because apparently they can’t help themselves and always have to bring up my “insecurities”.
As someone who grew up and struggled with low self esteem until my late twenties – it can get better. For me, it started with learning to say ‘thank you’ when receiving a compliment instead of downplaying or denying it. Then over time, try to create an environment of positive reinforcement, be it at work/school or at home. One simple “Nice shirt!” or “You hair looks good!” can make a person’s day and encourage them to do the same to you or others. Boost each other. We’re in this together!
I am blessed to have grown up with great and supportive parents, what made me have such low self-esteem was public school. Growing up with teachers, students, and even guidance counsellers letting me I would amount to nothing was crushing and being HSP it was debilitating. Now, after graduating 3 college programs and getting my dream job, I can now start to rebuild my self-esteem, 1 step at a time.
I had extremely low self-esteem in my teenage years and university. It was so bad that I would, upon meeting new people, start to jokingly hatespeech me to the point that it’s not funny anymore, but concerning or disgusting. I couldn’t build relationships and couldn’t make good choices and hit the rock bottom. I honestly don’t know how i improved, but therapy, medication, and endless self analysis got me out. I now love myself and respect, but still, of course, I struggle to defend myself. Although 100 times better at it than before. When I look back at times when i had the lowest self-esteem, and remember the situations I was in and the choices I’ve made… It all feels like a clown circus. Because almost 90% of shit I went through were easily solved by one or two actions. Most of the times just by saying NO and getting out of the situation. Its hilariously sad how blind I was when my self-esteem was below the floor, and simplest of things seemed hard, and impossible. No matter what, you should always listen to your guts and not push yourself OVER yourself just because someone tells you to. It is never worth it.
I’m an insecure dude. I tend to receive compliments but I dismiss them really fast. I guess I shouldn’t be as insecure as I am, but it’s hard not to. I was being constantly compared to my siblings by my parents, and that developed into competitiveness, envy, and a high but silent ego in me. I even asked them to stop with the comparisons, gladly, it kinda stoped, but It was already late, this toxic traits already developed. I can appear as humble because I’m a really quiet person, but in reality I like to be the best among my friends and family. Ironically, I’m insecure and quiet in social situations involving strangers or people I’m not familiarized. This article really made me reflect about myself, thank you
Yes, I’ve been there. It was because of my father I was afraid of making mistakes. He even ridiculed me for the dreams I had for my future. I was constantly blamed for things I never did and was called a liar. As punishment I was denied the education I deserve. When I had learned that he passed away I felt great joy. I never had a happy child hood. However, my mother tookme to Disney land in California when I was a teenager. That was the only great happy moment of my life.
I have no idea how my self esteem died such a death because my Mum was genuinely incredibly supportive and caring. I’m suspecting it’s somewhat a combo of being a twin, undiagnosed autism, slowly growing absent father and being a “gifted kid” who grew into a really mentally unstable teenager who’s teachers still expected high level work.
Those are good things to be aware of but it is not always the parents’ fault. The first one related to my experiences in school. My early teachers were almost unhinged in how they compared each of us. I also got most of my self esteem issues from friends more than family. This could be because I was neglected but parents are not always the issue. I have gotten over my self esteem issues a long time ago but I want everyone to know it doesn’t always come from the most obvious of people. Sometimes it’s under our noses and our bad habits come from more than just our home environment. It does get better once you realize that the most important person in your life is you but don’t blame your parents for everything. Two things can be true. They could hurt and harm you while also doing what they know best and not mean any harm
In my experience, some of these factors can also apply to those that were bullied constantly during times of hardship where the parents were absent. In my case when I was barely a teenager, we moved to a different city and at the same time my parents were blessed with twins. This however lead to a complex situation where I was feeling lonely and scared in the face of change and my parents were focusing on the twins. I wasn’t given any attention in these hard times and reaching out to them seemed pointless since they were many times too tired to offer any help and they would dismiss my feelings and make me feel invalid. The constant bullying I was experiencing at school, along with exposure to bad influences that came with these “friends”, I was soon left with a broken self-esteem. It has affected me all these years even till today. However, I am always looking for ways to improve my self-esteem. It’s really difficult to learn to love yourself when your self-esteem has been destroyed.
I appreciate both my parents for giving me a loving and supportive homelife. I had to deal with bullies at school on a daily basis. The bully took a toll on my self-esteem. There was a time when I felt like nobody liked me or wanted to be my friend. Thank God I got therapy before it’s way too late in life.
Thank you for making these articles. ♥ I struggle to make friends because of my very low self-worth (and even get a job), i feel like i cant be supportive and helpful to others if i cant even help myself. It’s hard to deal with these issues alone when it is the issue itself that causes me to be alone. These articles help a lot and i feel hopeful to one day push past my low self-esteem, thanks.
This reminds me of Anne of Green Gables. Marilla made a lot of these mistakes with Anne. Marilla was too authoritarian towards Anne, and she had super high expectations for Anne and was forcing her to obey every of her orders. Marilla would also scold Anne very harshly for every small mistake she made, and she would get mad at Anne if she was not perfect. She also would harshly criticize Anne for all of her flaws, and call her a wicked, good for nothing and aggravating child and tell her how much she disgraced her. I wouldn’t be surprised if Anne grows up hating herself and becoming a perfectionist. Marilla never gave Anne love or encouragement or told her about the good things about her she always scolded Anne for all her flaws and was never understanding and patient when Anne made tiny mistakes.
Yes, I can relate to CPTSD from childhood and every type of abuse out there. Starting under the age of 5. I share this only to let others know it’s possible to do the work and start living a life of self-love and inner peace. It is still a struggle some days. But I am beginning to heal. You are not alone.
I relate to every point mentioned in this article. The most difficult thing in this kind of issues is that you feel that you deserve to be treated like that and you don’t have the capabilities or confidence to act differently because there’s a few people willing to teach you assertiveness or positively self esteem. Thank you so much for making this awesome articles 😊
I love my mom and my family, but in this period I realized that especially her is the major cause of my low self esteem. Im 19 and im really struggling with it, although i Know that i will be more confident in the future because im going to repare those damages i have since my childood. This is something everyone can do, stay strong boys
Could all these traits and symptoms be caused by a sibling, rather than a parent? My sibling teased, criticised and belittled me for most of my childhood and I have identified the voice in my head that white-ants my self confidence to being theirs. My parents were, for the most part, very supportive, though traditional in their ways of thinking. It’s my unsupportive sibling is what I think killed my self esteem.
I consider myself fortunate to have had parents who were supportive of me throughout my life. The assault to my self esteem came in the form of mean spirited classmates who saw my physical attributes as things to poke fun at incessantly…smh. Throughout this period in my life, my parents had my back, even going as far as taking me out of the school I had been attending when the bullying proved to be more than I could tolerate. Later, after I finished school, I chose a spiritual path as the means to restoring my damaged self esteem…and I couldn’t be happier for having chosen that path.❤
Sadly I can relate as my mother is a Narcissist, so my self esteem, confidence, worth, etc was destroyed by her. Happily I have found my way with resilience, tenacity, strength despite also being a Domestic Violence Survivor with PTSD. I have supportive friends, I am well educated thanks to me, I’m going to start my own business as a Spiritual Life Coach. Do what inspires you, listen to your gut, listen only to positive advice that guides and supports, never give up on yourself because you’re special, you’re unique, you’re amazing, so don’t forget that 🙏💐🇬🇧
A wonderful and useful article in addition to what the article mentioned, accepting and admitting to yourself that you have a feeling like that, knowing that it’s an idea and not your reality, and observing the fear system when it appears to get external acceptance, stop with yourself and review behaviors that do not suppress the feelings inside you, accept them and hug them, then they will change
Dieses article sollte das Top-Video sein, wenn jemand was zum Selbstbewusstsein sucht… Was ich noch hinzufügen würde „Beweise suchen, die sich für dich persönlich wie ein Beweis anfühlen”, einer schafft einen Halbmarathon, ein anderer schafft es gerade mal kalt zu duschen, aber daran kann man sich absolut hocharbeiten, und selbst daran wachsen und das miteinander vergleichen das nicht besser macht, weil jeder ein persönliches Päckchen zu tragen hat. Ich war auch ein absoluter Fall von”ich muss nur mal den Affirmationen glauben”, aber ich hab mich immer so gefühlt, als würde ich mich dabei selbst anlügen… Dieses article ist genau dieses bisschen was ich verstehen musste. Riesengroßes Danke❤
This actually was a great reminder. I chose my job as a compromise between what she wanted and what I was seeking: financial stability. I still have anxiety about finances. I always fear to end up with nothing. Although I live in a country that has a social system. Now that it looks like I won’t be able to get back to my job…I might have the opportunity to really decide what I wanna do.
I think many of the practices that are now considered harmful to children’s self-esteem were once considered good parenting. For example my mom was asked how come she couldn’t keep her room tidy like her cousin. But when she went to visit her cousin and saw the room was the same as her mom, she asked about it and her cousin said she was told the same thing that she should keep her room tidy like my mom. My mom said that was the advice parents were given back then.
This sounds exactly like my childhood. It makes so much sense. Anxiety doens’t come from nowhere. You have to heal your inner child. What helped me was listening to affirmations and getting out of my comfort zone. I did a lot of things that make my life better, like getting my driver license, doing courses, having a lot of hobbies. The only person that can heal you is yourself, no one else can do that for you. Once I realized that it got better. You have a choice to make yourself happy, no one does that for you.
I really wish to convince myself that I didn’t experience all of it but it will be another lie I will tell you myself and I won’t do that anymore. My mother treated me in all such ways. I felt ashamed of myself after relating to each one of them. I always used to think -“why am I unable to speak in public?” Or -“why am I so indecisive?” This article gave me answer to all those questions and many more negative thoughts I have about myself. But now that I am aware of it I will do anything and everything to improve myself and will not be put down by anyone including my mother. 💖
I’d say 98% of each of the mentioned points fits me very well. What I do nowadays to deal with it? Nothing, really. My life already feels crushed in all those aspects, so all I can do is to move on living with the pain inside and trying to enjoy the few parts in my adult life which haven’t been damaged or better yet – which I build up for myself. Sure that won’t heal those wounds but I figured for my own personality it really helps to “overwrite” bad memories with the same events happening again with having positive outcomes.
I can relate with this but not because of my parents. But the prolonged experience of bullying and basically being othered for my autism and status as “special needs” . From middle school to especially high school i learned in different ways how being neurodivergent made people treat you differently. I’ve been recovering for years but the years right after I graduated was really rough. This is why I hate the assumption some have that I “suffer” from autism. No. I’ve always suffered more from the way PEOPLE treated me because I was autistic. That’s entirely different
This topic reminded me of two former friends I used to hang out with during elementary school. Each of them practically took my kindness for granted after they found it “better” to hang out with bad influences who were supposedly popular. I wasn’t surprised to notice each of their new “friendships” lasted two years at the most. Whatever problems they both got themselves into was obviously not my problem.
All of those things applied to me, along with sexual abuse – very frequent and went on for years. It was only one parent acting like that, but it was enough to cause damage, because it was the loudest voice that pretty much ruled within the house. Trying to appease both that critic and the sexual abuser made me feel like nothing in the outside world was ever enough, since their behaviors didn’t change.
I can relate especially to the expectation of perfection. Anything but grade A or B was not acceptable for my dad. He and my mum had always been excellent pupils. When I came home with a B my dad would tell me that this could have been an A as well. When I came home with an A he would ask why I could not bring home an A every time. I can hardly remember being praised by him. My mum did that. I carried that feeling of not achieving enough in his eyes with me for decades. Shortly before my dad died I finally had the guts to ask him why he was never satisfied with anything I did. I was surprised to hear that he actually was satisfied and aware that I was a really good pupil. He thought he would support me when I had the pressure of high expectations. It was the way he was treated when he was young. I‘m glad I had that conversation with him before he was gone.
I was hit and verbally abused by my father. My grandmother used to compare me with everyone around,not in my favour of course. I guess the only person in my family who believed in me all the time is my mother. I’m 31, single, did time, two criminal records. Yet I’m still trying to keep up my religion, believe in good in people. I’m trying hard to not get consumed by hatred and disbelief that the destructive nature can make me more confident.
My self esteem wasn’t destroyed as a child. My inner child is dead. He was killed by keeping his thoughts and emotions bottled at every even slightly traumatic event because he was told “real men don’t cry” my parents live to regret telling me that because I’m now emotionless. Since September of 2023, I was really happy because I found a girl who understands me and loves me. 5 days ago, on January 5th, 2024, the girl of my dreams ended things with me. These past 5 days have been agony. I’ve been told so many times to have a good cry and that it is perfectly okay to cry. Even she told me that it’s okay to cry. in fact, she encouraged me to cry… I cried until I started throwing up. These past five days have been unadulterated agony and no matter how much I cry. I can’t seem to feel better. I just want the pain to go away. She was the only one who could make the pain go away. Sure, I found ways to distract myself from the pain, like playing article games or hanging out with friends, but she made it go away entirely that five months i felt free. I felt inner peace. But now I constantly feel agony, worse so than before me and her met. We are still friends now, and that eases the pain a lot.
My parents always used to tell me, “you can do anything you out your mind to.” Oh yeah? Then why was I destroyed verbally when I got a 95 on a test? Why did you compare me to my older sister always when I made the simplest of mistakes? Why did you destroy my safe space when I was being bullied at school, and you bullied me at home? They didn’t want an autistic child; they were constantly disappointed in me because I wasn’t socially adept in the right time like they wanted me to be. I took longer to reach certain milestones and that’s embarrassing for them to admit. As soon as I stepped out of line I was a failure. I still am, if I can be honest.
This describes me so, so much, but I can’t help but have one question: How can you focus on your strengths to try and improve your self-confidence if you have trouble knowing what those strengths are or what to focus on? I remember several years ago taking an aptitude test as part of a work program which basically came back as “you can do anything you set your mind to! :)” Which, on the one hand, was nice to hear, but on the other was… Extremely unhelpful. How am I supposed to know what to focus on that I’m good at when you’re telling me that what I’m good at is “yes”?
Undercomparing is something fucked up i experienced. i have a little brother that was always favorite. Even when he started dealing and doing drugs he was considered the better kid. I was attending highschool at the time this started. They would always compare us and make up reasons as why he is at least as good as me. Towards the end they resorted to calling me disabled and appologising for him, telling me his peoblems were my fault. Getting compared to a literal drugabuser and having to live with the fact that THIS is your high bar is traumatising on its own
I’m on the autism spectrum, and I experienced a lot of these at school. Comparing/being compared to “normal” kids; teachers criticizing me for my struggles; kids bullying me for being different (non-conforming), etc. It left me with a crippling inferiority complex that I’m still struggling with +10 years later.
You know this vid is accurate with me because growing up as a teenager I never felt like I had done anything meaningful mainly because I was bad at sports and I wasn’t all that smart when it came to my subjects.But after I failed so many times in my exams I managed to pull through from another school and successfully got my I.C.T certificate for the subject I had completed.TBH I was always good in I.C.T since I always had a fascination for technology.But am going to be honest as well I always was good at Biology,Physics,Business Studies and Accounts.But my problem was that I never tried because this might sound embarrassing but I didn’t know how to study😖 That’s why I never tried to be good at remembering and understanding because I never had a reason for it at all.😢
I was just born with naturally low self esteem and anxiety as a kid. My parents are incredible, I was never bullied growing up, and I had a good childhood. Ive been working on it for years, trying to eradicate it, piece by piece. It used to be horrifically terrible and caused depression for many years. But with the help of God I have pulled myself out of the mud and have reinvented myself into a new man these past few years. I know you all can do the same. Best of luck to anyone reading, you can do it and it will feel good when it’s over.
Boy that hit in so many ways😂 And I am only half way through the article. I was excited to see what this article would bring. That my self esteem was ruined and replaced with a toxic narcissistic view…I already knew. Thankfully I saw it and changed to a whole new person. I finally became myself and I only got free of all that obeying-hell at 27… So, whoever reads this: It’s never too late to get therapy and start your own life ❤ Edit: 😂 Learning to dream. I couldn’t even think about the future before I was told how it was suppose to look. I had to go to university, and I had to do a job that made lots of money. Lawyer or Doctor. Nothing else. After repeating that over and over again, 10 years later she really said:”Who said you had to go to university?”😂😂 And she ment that😂😂… I had no idea ever, but the fact that I was interested in like everything and nothing…being really good at nothing, but just average…pointed me towards anything medical. I ended up in the pharmacy, with no university. Just school. Hardest job ever, worst pay (supermarket cashier earns more than I did) and still I was the one who was asked for money since my siblings did go to university and had no income at all. But I got to wear a lab coat at work and that’s the only thing that mattered for my “mother”
I experience these symptoms but I don’t think my parents are at fault. The people who really messed me up were my teachers, coaches and, unfortunately, school guidance counselors and therapists, who were all huge bullies and perfectionists. It didn’t help that many of my classmates had parents who did behave like this, and they’d put other people (myself included) down in order to make themselves feel better. It’s very sad when you think about it.
I was recently diagnosed with self steem so low the psychologist considered it an immaturity caused by all the signs described in this article, basically, but most importantly because there was no one to teach me how to appreciate myself. I’ll never be able to naturally have self steem, all I can do is use coping mechanisms and habits that help me realize I’m more than what I see in myself. So please, if you’re a parent or plan to be, don’t overlook your son/daughter’s feelings. They may struggle in the future if you do
I have extremely low self-esteem and confidence. I’m severely depressed. The things that this article discusses, my parents didn’t do to me. They actually mostly did the opposite of everything in this article. So, could my low self-esteem come from bullying and poor experiences with my peers growing up instead of due to my parents’ parenting style? Thank you 🙂
Yes it sounds just like me. I am 55 now & im seeing a therapist once a week. At this age you would have thought I had overcome a lot of my trauma. But it’s like I keep going back. I’m finally doing something about it. Discussing a lot of my pain & going back will help me to become the person I’ve always wanted to be.
As a retired teacher, I can honestly say that not only parents but so called educators also “teach” and supposedly “nurture” in this warped way. I feel like the average childhood is tragically fated be distorted and poisoned by wounded, traumatized adults who are clueless about being a part of a doomed cycle of toxic parenting.
No matter what, you could not do something better than my mother. Meaning that she would strike me down when I told what I wanted to do, same with my sister, just scoff at us and roll her eyes. She always belittled me in every aspect when it came to my future. Went no contact and now I’m in the process of getting a great job
My mom and dad were great. It was my “friends” that had negative effects on how I felt about myself. I was the quiet one, to the point of being scared to death if I was chosen to speak in front of the class all the way thru school. I was very shy. This was in the 60’s. In the early 70’s we moved from town to a house on a couple of acres and my major wish in life came true. My dad bought a horse for me. She was my salvation, my world. Any self confidence I acquired was because of riding. Just western pleasure. No competitions. I was sooo happy. I did good in school and I had a few friends. One in particular I would often ride to her house and visit. She was and still is in a wheelchair and so she would come out to her driveway and I would sit on my horse and we would talk and laugh. One day a guy on a motorcycle rode by and us being young teenage girls and being silly I made the first of many bad decisions that impacted my life and put me in the situation that I am in now. I waved at the guy on the motorcycle. Fast forward 50, yes 50 years and here I sit in my room with no friends, no transportation, no job and if not for our son I would most likely be homeless. The guy on the bike was my first Love. I was free of him for 9 years and because I have a big heart(that has been shredded, broken, ripped out and stomped on more times than I can count) he came back and moved back in. Biggest mistake ever was letting him back into my life. Over time he has destroyed me. I have zero confidence in dealing with anyone.
I relate with a lot of the points, but only in that I was the one that taught myself them. I was alone a lot and eventually started to shut out the little time I had with others. Because I was scared of people I couldn’t grow. So most of what I am came from me, and if you couldn’t guess, I didn’t do so well.
“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” ― Edward Everett Hale “When you see something that is not just, not fair, or not right, you have to do something. You have to say something. Make a little noise. It’s time for us to get into good trouble, necessary trouble.” — John Lewis “In this life we cannot always do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” — Mother Teresa
One thing that affected my self esteem was being watched doing anything, my Mom was a stay at home mom, whenever she would give you a task, she would literally stand there to see if you did it to perfection, she constantly pointed faults to a point when I want to do something now, as a grown up, I ask her to leave, making excuses like I want to clean really well, or I want the kitchen to myself to cook a nice meal, because she still does it today, you make something she would want to know every ingredient or everything about your life, even things you don’t want her to know, she’s not a bad Mom and I love her so much, but that has made me, to loathe being watched, if I do something you come sit by me and watch me, I feel extremely anxious, i literally don’t want anyone around me when I work or do anything for that matter.
I recognize a lot of what’s being told. Apart from one thing. I am nearly 60, so take in account the timelap. Until a few years ago I’d never have thought of myself as having low self-esteem. I knew I’d had a troublesome childhood, but I thought I had grown over it. Long story cut short, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with low self-esteem by 2 psychiatrists. Now, I know my parents made some mistakes, just like I did when raising my own son. But in contrast to the above article, my parents were not to blame. In primary school I was severe bullied, because I happened to be a good pupil. I got beaten up at least once a week. My parents never knew; I was to shy to tell them. When I went to highschool I became a punk, got an attitude, and never again was I bullied. Instead, when I saw a bully picking on someone, I intervened. So I thought I’d grown over it. After highschool I went to study psychology at the university of Amsterdam. I noticed that I could do everything, but everything went tremendously slow. e.g. as if my I was running with my legs under water. Now I know why. Conclusion: maybe this article should add other things than neglecting parents as a cause, because low self esteem can develop in other ways too. And bullying is quite a serious cause.
I kind of wish articles like these would also mention school experiences more often, as these vids usually only talk about parents being the cause of low self-esteem when in my case at least, my parents are wonderful. But because of mistreatment from peers, being viewed as different and having a pattern of third wheeling in my own bestie relationships throughout the school stages, that’s what reinforced the idea to me that my presence/company was somehow less valued. I feel stuff like that needs to be talked about more so there are more available resources that cater to healing these issues and tackling their roots specifically.
Too relatable. My therapist did mention this too me. Now majoring in Psychology for Masters, I see the connection. Also the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was critical for reading and understanding this further. My therapist recommended this and it further expounds on this article.
I have really strict parents and I was also religious and the pastor was strict as well. I am not religious anymore and I do still live with my mother but I barely speak to my father. I’ve always wondered where my low self-esteem actually came from and perusal this article actually help me to figure that out. It all makes sense to me now. For the past year and a half I have been trying my best to heal myself. I am still trying my best every day to heal from my past trauma. Some of the things that were said in this article actually did happen to me but not all of it though. Especially the strict part. I’ve always had a passion for music and singing and I was even told by my music teacher in middle school that I had a beautiful voice. But one day when I started singing in front of my mom she told me that I couldn’t sing. she said that I sounded like a Billygoat and she said that I was off key. So up until this day I have not tried to put my voice out there for it to be heard because I thought that everyone else would say the same thing because I have always believed what my mother told me. Today I am 34 years old and I finally started trying to put my voice out there by making my own music. I’m still on my healing journey as well. I know that one day that God will bless me and hopefully my voice will be able to finally touch someone and hopefully I’ll be famous for it one day. To anyone else out there that is struggling with low self-esteem, you are not alone. And you are loved, and appreciated.
Anyone who’s reading this let me remind you that you are enough, you are complete without a partner. You are beautiful even if you don’t recieve compliments. Spend time educating yourself rather than wasting time impressing a wrong person whom you know won’t end up in your life all the way through. And if you’re going through a wrong time, it will end. Just breathe and be thankful! Xx
Building my self-esteem back up has included getting space from those who do not serve my self-esteem in a nurturing way, as well as seeing a therapist who helps me challenge negative self-talk. When I have a negative thought: “Is it real? Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?” Another thing that has really helped is the Mary Kondo manga and audiobook to help with letting go of material things that no longer serve me and with keeping things that spark joy. Another is self-care by observing basics: sleeping well, hydrating well, eating whole & plant-based foods, hygiene, play/social time, time to myself to process hard emotions and hear my own inner voice, and walking at least a few times a week for exercise. I also spend time trying to serve others by offering positive acknowledgements. You “can’t pour from an empty cup”, so taking real care of yourself helps you fortify against anything that may come your way. It’s a hard road and takes time, but it gets easier. Youtube articles by licensed therapists can also pack a positive punch. Take care of yourselves. <3 You deserve it.
This is me. Im almost 35 and still never really had a career. I try not to feel bad when I see other people my age and younger doing so much better, making good money, not struggling, but it’s hard not too feel bad. It’s hard to even go on an interview and pretty much brag about myself, because I have trouble being confident.
This article hits too close to home..! I’ve always dealt with poor self esteem. Even till this day I stuggle alot with that, which has caused me to have anxiety and behavioral issues (also a late diagnosed autistic adult also with ADHD. Im 30) constantly comparing myself to others and it kills me deep down! Yet I have been able to follow my dreams and had such luck for finding such lovely people in my life! I have yet many fears and obstacles to overcome, but I made a promise to my inner child way back, that I will help her overcome her fears and obtain her biggest dreams! I was also thinking of starting to go to a hypno therapist, and see if that can help me in any way! Speaking of.. It would have been so awesome so see a article from you about hypno therapy and how it works. Thank you for another wonderful and educational article! :thanksdoc:
these are all me!!! I have been working on my self esteem (amongst everything else that came with my treatment as a child). Getting better at accepting imperfection and mistakes I make. It takes a long time to overcome these traits (my first husband also reinforced the low self esteem and self doubt). Don’t give up
This topic always makes me feel heavy hearted because it feels always relatable and its hard and reminds me of the emotional turmoil I put myself through which I relate to need for perfectionism, forced to conform and obey and especially criticized for characteristics/abilities. I’m always the one to criticise myself but show love to others who show me so much love but I cant accept it and I loath in my self esteem causing me to hate myself and who I am. I have such amazing people in my life and I try to work on myself but it never works it just gets more intense the older I get.
Realizing everybody else is just as flawed as you really evens the playing field. It helps to realize this afterwards anything is possible. I believe everyone is born with a God given skill set that just makes you good at something it seems to come natural for you. Finding your skill set is the real challenge. Yes you really can be anything you want and who wouldn’t want to be good at what they want to be? Understand the point? It’s like this I’ve got 2 left feet and couldn’t carry a tune across the kitchen floor so as an opera singing ballerina I’d suck but I am good with my hands and problem solving. As such I had a great career as a mechanic.
I had an extremely violent childhood. My mother married and had a child with a man who murdered another man at a bar. She then cheated on him with my dad, and then my mom shot my father with a 12 gauge and he lived. Both my parents were in and out of prison during the course of my childhood. My home life was so bad i would try as hard as i could to stay at friends houses constantly. If it weren’t for having such good friends i don’t think i would have made it this far, so im very thankful for that
My childhood wasn’t really traumatic but i never had any friends outside school while growing up because i wasn’t allowed to go out and play because my parents were scared that something might happen to me. This continued through high school. I think this affected my ability of taking to other people. I started having probleme talking to people both men and women, i always found excluding myself from plans with friends because i knew my parents allow me to go.I felt like they make fun of me because I’m not allowed to go by my parents. And this maybe a small thing but whenever i get an test result like 90/100 or something i show it to my parents and the first thing they always said was where’s the rest 10 marks. I always wanted to learn dancing, art and stuff like that but they didn’t allow saying i need to focus on studying and then they go and say great things about other kids with talent. I used to be a good dancer. Now I’m almost 23 and still have problems talking to strangers, making friends at new places and always feel like people are judging me. Sorry for the long jargon, i needed to vent. Sorry.
Well I can remember for most of my life (maybe since 3) I always struggled with anxiety. When I was about eight I started to have very low self esteem, mostly about how my body looks (I’ve always been on the curvy side). Of course because I’m an overthinker I worried about everything else, too. Then late middle school and half of my first year of high school was the worst I’ve been. Every second comparing myself, dismissing every compliment, and it got so bad it somehow turned into hatred not only for myself but for others too. I was definitely a little depressed and didn’t want to be around anymore. I was also starving myself and dropped ten pounds before I finally quit. Well fast forward to now, im doing so much better and that was almost a year ago. I’ve actually learned to love myself and be happy about the way my body is, I’ve been embracing things I love and not feeling guilty about it. It’s a great feeling. Of course I still can struggle with anxiety and social anxiety. I’m glad to say it’s not trauma from my family, they have always been really supportive.
My first childhood memory is of a hiding i took from my dad because my eczema was so painful and i would cry in discomfort for hours. I remember it taught me I couldn’t cry unless I was happy getting beaten. It was far from the last beating I had growing up. One thing it’s taught me is how I would never beat my own children.
I have a lot of these issues–but I also constantly worry about how I’ve been as a parent. My daughter is almost 21, and I just pray that I haven’t screwed up too badly. I worry that I’ve overreacted and swung too far the other direction. Yeah, my mom screwed me up–but as a parent, I know she was just doing the best she knew how, just like I did. (And I know my grandma screwed up my mom. Mothers and daughters have such complicated relationships.)
If I was upset or had an unpopular opinion, my mom wouldn’t hesitate to first, tell me that no one is interested in hearing what I have to say, and if that didn’t shut me up, get in my face and start making threats. Usually threats to hurt herself, but sometimes she’d demand that I hit her. Whatever she had to do or say to just get me to shut up. I made it til I was about 15, then moved the hell out. Lived in my car for awhile, and have been figuring things out as I’ve gone. But at 40, I still get really uneasy telling people anything they might not want to hear.
It’s disheartening to realize how impactful childhood experiences can be on one’s self-esteem. The constant need for comparison, criticism, and forced conformity can indeed leave lasting scars. To those resonating with this, remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. Embrace your uniqueness, focus on strengths, and surround yourself with positivity. 🌟
Family, esp maternal grandmother, were the primary cause of my low self-esteem. They always told me I was the daughter of an ex-convict and a black sheep, lack height, too silent and shy, too curious, the only bookworm and animal lover in the family, ugly handwriting, high-pitched voice, average student, no talent for any performing arts, chubby, not sociable or the life of a party, mature for my age, not ambitious enough (financially and careerwise). They also taught me contradicting lessons with what they say and what they do: be kind but take advantage, be honest but tell a lie to get out of trouble, be humble but achieve at any cost, etc. Teachers, classmates, so called friends, co-workers, work superiors were also critical and downers with a smile and disguised as good intentions. I was a good person who needed to transform in order to survive.
In some way or another our self esteem has been damaged during our childhood. Once we’re all grown; we experience some sort of uncertainties toward some particular situations as well as we unconsciously let ourselves be pushed by others due to our insecurity to stand up for ourselves. To change so we should first be honest with ourselves by wondering whether we wish to be pushed or not. Then, we should examine our conscience, and recognize what kind of idea makes us feel so wimp, and finally, try to fix our own perception by realizing that it’s never too late to change ourselves as well as everyday we have the chance to pursue our utmost desire.
It wasn’t my parents who messed me up big time, it was going to school in a very tough area. To this day, my self esteem is very low. By the time I left school I was drinking. I drank for twenty years. I stopped drinking for health reasons a few years ago, but I still don’t feel very good about myself. The world is full of loud, angry, shouty people and that isn’t going to change.
I was the only child of a single, alcoholic mother who was not loving, attentive or nurturing. She was, however, violent rigid and un-pleasable. I don’t think I ever made a plan for the future. I think my only goal as an adolescent and teen was to thwart her wishes, because nomatter what I did or how hard I tried, I was always grounded,which meant she could ban me to my room and couldn’t ask for anything and she could be even more selfish with her time. I’ve done therapy until I was blue in the face, and was never introduced to these concepts before! Are these newer insights? To any young person in these circumstances reading this: stay out of your parents way, quit playing into their game, adopt a good friend’s healthy family and go by what they stand for! Have dreams for your future, like an education that will make you an independent adult! Have passions, like art, music, model building, cooking, and indulge them as much as you can without endangering your education or your freedom (by getting grounded for not doing chores, or pissing your parents off in general) and remember! It’s not that long until your 18th birthday! And also, there are more people that love you than you know!
Since my childhood,I have always obeyed my parents and decisions,but slowly I started understanding that howe I was becoming more and more submissive everyday towards them.Whatever they wanted for me I had to do that or at least try for that. * I did things that I disliked,visited places and people whom I hated and was always bashed for my physical appearance.My mom liked my friend better looking then me .As a child I wanted to be the most beautiful and most precious in their lives becoz trust me only there say on my looks matter to me. *I was manipulated many times over my smallest decisions as well so I became extremely indecesive . Whenever I have to take any decision I feel weak . *I am pursuing things which my parents wanted me to pursue but this career is not my call . I love my parents and respect their efforts for making a brighter future for me but lately I have started feeling depressed, anxious and lonely.If I cry and tell about my pains my mom-dad consider me weak and get annoyed trust me my rant can’t be summarised in this comment. Now I do not know what to do.
I always had a low self esteem. I usually go around with hoodies because they make me feel safe and invisible. I don’t like how I look, how I talk, how I think. I tried changing that by doing martial arts, getting an education at university and grooming more. Nothing changed, I still feel empty inside and most of the times I let people stomp on me because I’m not clever enough to argue.
I can say my father golden childed my brother . Further I never remember my father hugging me nor telling me he loved me . I am seventy. I have low self esteem but great empathy. That is why I have been volunteering many years at an inner city soup kitchen. we are all vulnerable. Covid brought that to the fore. Thx.
I actually had my parents taken aback after they realized how successful I could have been if they let me pursue my dream of being a rally driver, especially after they learned how much i would have been making money wise. they were strict, forced perfection from someone who is a 4 on a good day, and kept comparing me to the “star athletes” my age without helping me in any form to get to that level.
I would see friends exhibiting behaviors like this article describes; desperate need for validation, aggressive comparisons, so many obvious signs of poor childhood experiences. And I congratulated myself on being above all that… Until I realized my superior, aloof attitude was my reaction to my own childhood discouragements and disappointments. Oops. Now I’m coming to terms with how insufferable I must have been all those times when I could have been supportive instead.
It is important to shower a child with love and affirmation, but you also must grant that child ample room to experience failure and disappointment. Millennial children, which I am, were rescued each time something uncomfortable happened. Hence why every millennial has “anxiety.” As a result, we do not know how to deal with the way the real world is. It took me a decade to learn how to do this as it was especially bad with my childhood.
My childhood was full of overpraise (high expectation) as the first born and only boy in the household. And being autistic, I tended to understand some things quickly and struggled making connections or seeing a problem’s simple solution as I end up hearing at least once every year in school about how smart I am (should be).
Unfortunately a lot of the time it depends on family dynamics during your own parents’ upbringing. In my dad’s and mom’s life, they grew up with the man child having entitlements such as extra schooling, learning to drive and not having to do so-called women’s work! I grew up as the oldest girl of 3 brothers. I was responsible for them even at the age of 7 years old. Some would say I was spoiled being the only girl. Ha. Since I couldn’t further my education and leave town or get my drivers license I was stuck in a small town with little possibilities. I do have low self esteem and so did my mother. I tried to break the cycle with my own daughter. In her 50’s she is someone to be reckoned with. Her daughter is fierce. So proud of them both.
This article is 100% right.My parents always compared me to others if I came 2nd or 3rd they would always say 2 people beat you never look at all the people I’d beaten I have always encouraged my children to try what ever they want if it goes wrong it doesn’t matter you haven’t failed unless you didn’t try And now they are adults they are both successful as people and are both top of their game in their jobs
Although I don’t believe I was raised up in expectation of absolute perfection, I believe I have all the symptoms listed at 3:22. Maybe it was my parents trying to conform me to their ideals by punishing my mistakes (as well as those of my siblings) and being excessively strict in specific areas (computer usage, spoiler: they failed). Now that I think about it, they probably had their own veiws of what was acceptable, priorities were very different compared to “conventional” parents.
I found out I was depressed and lost everything. I did even my athletics. I stopped doing it because of people pulling me down, saying I’m not really enough. Who does this and my friendship is toxic. I’m not friends with anyone any more because of my toxic friends and the trauma I’ve been through. I don’t know how to express this. I haven’t told anyone you were the first people to know except for my family.