The experience of motherhood often leads to a lower sense of control and belonging, leading to elevated productivity demands. As a result, mothers tend to occupy fewer leadership positions than men and childfree women. This “motherhood penalty” is a systemic loss in terms of salary, benefits, hiring, leave, and promotions that women face in the workplace when they become mothers. This penalty involves discriminatory practices and experiences that mothers can face at work, including being held to stricter standards.
A new paper proposes a novel explanation for this phenomenon: women without children face four biases: the maternal wall hinders all women’s careers, whether they plan to have children or not. The authors define the “motherhood penalty” as the average amount by which a woman’s probability of being employed declines during the ten years after the birth of their child.
The motherhood penalty involves a variety of discriminatory practices and experiences that mothers can face at work, including being held to stricter standards. Most research on the motherhood penalty has productivity differences among women if focused on short-term wage penalties.
In 2024, data suggests that having both a career and children is out of reach for many women. Across the world, 95 of men between the ages of 25 and 54 are mothers. The motherhood penalty may play a big part in holding women back from leadership positions and contributing to the wage gap.
Despite the shrinking of the gender wage gap, women with children continue to experience earnings and career disadvantages that women do. This penalty can manifest in various forms, including lower wages, fewer opportunities for career advancement, reduced access to promotions, and even job loss. Working moms can lose $500000 over their career, according to a new Bankrate analysis of the Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey.
📹 79. Unmasking the Hidden Struggles of Motherhood: Samantha Green, LMHC on Perinatal Mental Health
Samantha Green, a mother of two and Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in perinatal mental health, joins me to …
What are the effects of the motherhood penalty?
The motherhood penalty is a significant issue faced by women, resulting in career interruptions, diminished earning potential, limited career advancement, occupational segregation, and emotional toll. These factors can lead to a wage gap, limited career advancement, and emotional strain on mothers. The maternal wall, a bias affecting promotion opportunities, can also contribute to this issue. Some women may find themselves in industries that are more accommodating to family responsibilities but offer lower wages and fewer career growth opportunities.
Balancing work and family responsibilities can also take a heavy emotional toll, leading to stress, burnout, and feelings of guilt. To address these issues, policy changes should be implemented, including family-friendly policies like flexible work schedules, telecommuting options, and more extensive paid leave. Additionally, tailored resources for returning mothers, such as work-subsidized childcare programs, office policies regarding pumping and private lactation rooms, and helplines, can be offered. Employees can also play a role in supporting their colleagues by:
What is the motherhood penalty bias?
The motherhood penalty refers to the disadvantages faced by working mothers in the workplace, including a per-child wage penalty, worse job-site evaluations, and a larger pay gap between non-mothers and mothers. This penalty is not limited to one cause but can be linked to various theories and societal perceptions. One prominent theory is the work-effort theory, which is based on the mother’s intersectionality. The motherhood penalty has been documented in over a dozen other industrialized nations, including Japan, South Korea, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, Poland, and Australia.
The most commonly hypothesized explanation for the motherhood wage penalty is that childbearing and childrearing disrupt formal education and on-the-job training. However, evidence suggests that educational and training differences between mothers and non-mothers do not entirely explain the penalty for motherhood. The wage gap varies by state and occupation, with construction being more prominent for African American and Latina women.
Sole mothers experience more financial hardship, lack positive psychosocial interaction, social support, increased likelihood of health complications, and more obstacles in sustaining a job due to challenges in finding quality, reliable, and affordable child care. The penalty has not shown any signs of declining over time.
Why are mothers less likely to be hired?
Mothers face discrimination in the workplace due to lower perceived competence and commitment, higher professional expectations, lower likelihood of hiring and promotion, and lower recommended salaries. Mothers are considered 12. 1 percentage points less committed to their jobs than non-mothers, while fathers are perceived as being 5 percentage points more committed than non-fathers. Mothers are also 6. 4 percentage points lower with regard to commitment than childless men.
They are 6 times less likely than childless women and 3. 35 times less likely than childless men to be recommended for hire. Similarly, childless women are 8. 2 times more likely to be recommended for a promotion than mothers. In an audit study conducted with real employers, childless women still have an advantage, receiving 2. 1 times as many callbacks as equally qualified mothers. Mothers are held to higher punctuality standards than non-mothers, with mothers being allowed to be late 3.
16 days per month before no longer being recommended for hire, while childless women are allowed to be late on 3. 73 days. Mothers are recommended a 7. 9 lower starting salary than non-mothers ($139, 000 compared to $151, 000, respectively), 8. 6 lower than the recommended starting salary for fathers. Among men, fathers are offered a significantly higher starting salary than childless men ($152, 000 compared to $148, 000, respectively).
How does motherhood affect the gender pay gap?
The motherhood penalty is a significant factor in the gender pay gap, as it leads to salary reductions for mothers compared to their pre-motherhood earnings or childless women and men. This reduction in hourly wages directly contributes to the gender pay gap across sectors and the globe. Additionally, the career break from having children reduces the number of years of work experience, which can lower job prospects and put women at a disadvantage in job interviews.
To address this issue, business leaders and employers can implement inclusive policies, mentorship programs, flexible work arrangements, childcare support, salary transparency, anti-bias training, promotion of healthy work-life balance, employee resource groups, equal career advancement opportunities, and continuous evaluation and improvement.
How does motherhood affect a woman’s career?
Motherhood is a significant issue in the workplace, where women are often perceived as unfit for leadership roles, receiving lower salaries, and denied advancement opportunities. This “motherhood penalty” is a result of discriminatory practices and experiences, such as stricter standards regarding salary and recruitment. Despite ongoing research on the relationship between motherhood and career outcomes, few studies specifically explore how motherhood impacts career advancement and access to leadership.
A scoping review analyzed 52 articles from 2010 to 2022 using the PRISMA-ScR framework, revealing both negative and positive impacts of motherhood on career progression. The review emphasizes the importance of intersectionality and suggests interventions that include individual and institutional efforts, including societal support structures, organizational policy changes, and cultural shifts. The review provides practical insights for a more inclusive and structural understanding of the career trajectories of working mothers, offering a more inclusive and structural approach to addressing this challenge.
What are some of the major negative influences on women’s career development?
Gender inequality in the workplace persists, with gender bias being a significant barrier to women’s career advancement. Women often face discrimination, limited opportunities, and lack of support. Research shows that men are evaluated based on their vision and potential, while women are evaluated based on their past contributions. This creates the “glass ceiling”, a barrier that prevents women from receiving equal opportunities and promotions. Women may also struggle to be taken seriously or heard in meetings, leading to difficulties in career advancement.
Achieving a good work-life balance is particularly challenging for women, who are more likely to shoulder caregiving responsibilities, which can limit their ability to take on high-pressure roles or work long hours. Overall, gender inequality remains a persistent issue in the workplace.
What are the three major influences contribute to gender development?
This article examines children’s understanding of identity, awareness, and stereotypes in relation to gender development, arguing that gender development is influenced by social, biological, and cognitive factors. It highlights the importance of understanding these aspects in children’s development. The article also mentions the use of cookies on the site and the copyright © 2024 Elsevier B. V., its licensors, and contributors. All rights reserved, including text and data mining, AI training, and similar technologies.
What is the motherhood penalty in the career?
The motherhood penalty can negatively impact career progression for women, as many mothers are denied promotions or choose part-time or flexible jobs they are overqualified for to balance their careers and caregiving. This can significantly reduce lifetime earnings and career advancement. For example, Thomas, a 39-year-old mom of two, intentionally took a remote, flexible, and family-friendly job in April, which she was overqualified for due to its family-friendly policies. She believes that prioritizing her children over career progression is more important than career progression, as she prioritizes her family over her career.
What are the barriers to women’s career development?
Women’s access to high-profile business opportunities is often limited within organizations due to mixed reasons, including potential backlash from “benevolent sexism” assigning less challenging tasks. This narrative of perceived lesser ability could keep women away from roles that typically define their career trajectory towards C-suite positions. Ambition and self-perception may evolve divergently, with women showing reduced professional aspirations over time compared to men.
However, gender norms may influence these perceptions, and as women are looked over for high-profile assignments and promotions, their ambition may wanes over time. Additionally, women often undervalue their performance, a trend that contrasts with men who tend to overstate theirs. Businesses need to encourage women to be ambitious and not misunderstand confidence for competence to address these issues.
What is an example of motherhood discrimination?
Pregnancy-related violations include hiring, promoting, demoting, or firing pregnant workers, as well as discharging those who take medical leave for pregnancy-related conditions, such as miscarriage.
What is a feminist criticism of motherhood?
The role of motherhood is often constrained by systems that deny women the autonomy to exercise their right to self-determined motherhood and exploit their maternity. Conversely, the refusal to engage in motherhood and motherly work can be viewed as a form of resistance.
📹 Gaslighting | The Hidden Signs
Gaslighting. It’s a term you’ve probably heard before, but the signs can be confusing. In this video, Dr. Ramani Durvasula and …
Thanks, everything here was really helpful. Being on the receiving end of “mom rage” is exhausting and there never seems to be a good way out of it. Burnout is real. My wife sacrifices herself way too much. Sleep training phase was the worst because I just didn’t really fight for getting a schedule and it metastasized into extreme sleep deprivation. Wife wanted to adapt to what she thought my daughter needed and there were basically no exceptions once she made up her mind.
My mom’s boyfriend had me in a chokehold up against the wall and my feet were not touching the floor and I couldn’t breath. My mom and sister had to pull him off of me and we all fell to the floor. Not 10 mins later my malignant narcissistic mother told me that her boyfriend was more a part of her family then I would ever be (mind you I’m adopted). Ever since than my malignant narcissistic mom swore that event never happened and I was making up the whole thing up. I disowned her because of that and went no contact.
That feeling when your partner cheated and you don’t have the courage to leave him or her so you just dealt with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one– living and seeing him everyday anticipating when will he or she do it again. Your articles are incredibly well done. No critique, thanks for doing this Future Imperative Corps
I wish I have had someone telling me all this before I got married. My husband of 25 years used to behave like a dictator and all the red flags were there. Emotional abuse is a serious problem in a relationship. From emotional abuse, cheating started.Thank you Coherent Recovery for posting this time to get me all the evidence.
Another thing a narcissist will do is to accuse someone of not being over something when in fact it was never resolved. For example, they emotionally abused you a few months ago and try to accuse you of the offense. Nothing was ever resolved a few months ago, but when you try to bring up the offense in order to salvage the relationship, they will accuse you of being bitter, angry, unforgiving and say “oh my god, you’re still hanging on to that”! That’s a sign to move on and forget about trying to resolve anything with them. What they are really trying to do is avoid dealing with their own emotionally abusive methods in interpersonal relationships. To verify it’s not you, just watch how they relate to others because they simply cannot help themselves.
Anytime I spend time around them, I end up feeling like something is wrong with me… like I’m weird, or going crazy, or disliked… it’s very isolating and unsettling. My anxiety levels shoot up and I feel like I am unlikable. I feel an undercurrent of tension and rejection and contempt that I can’t explain. Like I have done something very wrong, but can never pin down what. I also end up talking too much or sharing too much, then worrying that somehow, my words will be used against me in the future. It’s happened before. I’m blamed for things I don’t think or feel. It’s exhausting and rips into my already fragile self-esteem.
1. When another person denies your emotions. They will make you doubt your feelings. 2. They deflect your concerns. 3. They deny what actually occurred. 4. Refuse to actually listen to you. Do not let then make you doubt yourself. People who do this lack empathy. If they minimize your concerns or feelings they are gaslighting you.
There is one red flag when you’re dealing with a narcissist, when you tell him your opinion, and he starts judging you by telling how wrong you are and then starts lecturing you. There is a huge difference between “I disagree” and “you are wrong, your opinion is wrong”. If you somehow got into conversation like that. Take a notice at this red flag.
Saying “thank you” is not enough to show my gratitude to you Coherent Recovery . It’s my honor to work under your guidance. Thank you for everything. Under your guidance, everything seems so easy. I truly appreciate your effort and advice that you give to us. You are a great support for us. All your hard work and dedication have paid off. You are an inspiration to other Expertise like you. Thanks for your great job. I’m proud of you getting access to my spouse phone! Thanks💯
Grew up with a narcissistic parent and have just realized how I much I did this to others thinking it was “normal” 😞 glad I’ve grown as a person and learnt better ways Edit to add: thank you so much to everyone who has shared, I’ve lost track of who I have and haven’t responded to, but if you are getting help or growing, I am proud of you!
I was gaslighted my whole life. After my divorce, I must have been in my early 30’s, I remember calling someone on something and they admitted it… I was stunned. No one had ever admitted anything to me in my life before. I don’t remember the circumstance, but I still remember the feeling of total shock and relief.
Can we all appreciate this guys for taking the time to help all of us and making our lives happy, cause these dudes never fail to put a smile on our faces, guys they deserve the best in life we’ll all support them no matter what we all love you and I wanna Thank You So Much for being amazing! Future Imperative Corps
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn’t right and it’s telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don’t look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don’t try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don’t let her know that you know she’s in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don’t want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst!
Brandon is a detailed oriented, customer focused, results driven individual who’s goals are to deliver only high quality services to his customers. Thanks Future Imperative Corps I always knew you can deliver. You have what it takes.I can’t find the right words to appreciate your effort, i can now check the phone activities. I’m glad to work with someone like you
One of the worse forms of gaslighting is when a person says “I’m a good person” and keeps neglecting your needs even though you tell them 100 times what your needs are. This manipulative tactic is so subtle that makes you doubt your needs and doubt your reality. I wonder is anyone here has ever experienced this?
Future Imperative Corps used his cyber services as a therapy session, taking us through a very chaotic mind and leaving us with a sense of peace and resolution at the end. He used this album as a way to document the breaking of generational curses that have kept his family toxic for so long while also giving the culture permission so that we can start breaking our own generational curses even if it means using him as the means to do so.
Wow this is so spot on I would text my ex thinking at least he can’t interrupt I would poor my heart out on how he made me feel You know what he would come back with…. I’m not reading all this …OR move on Three years of chaos, drama and emotional abuse..one month free And healing slowly!! Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏 🥰
The confidence you take in your work is really inspiring and amazing, special thanks The time and efforts you had put into getting me access into target’s phone is beyond excellence. Take my cordial thanks! Future Imperative Corps . You are really an efficient, organized and result-oriented man Thank you for all the extra hours and extra effort you had to put on for getting the access activated. I appreciate every bit of your effort. Thank you for pulling this off so smoothly…
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community.
5:11 I made the mistake of doing this. I had recordings of him twisting my words, and making me think I didn’t remember what I said a few seconds ago. It’s so true. I played back the recording for him, where he directly lied to me, and he responded with, “See? You’re the manipulative one for even recording me. You feel like you can’t talk to me without recording me? YOU’RE the one that has trust issues, then, so this argument is all on you.”
My parents used to gaslight me. I recently learned that my sister may currently be gaslighting me too. In the case of my parents, the first and biggest example that comes to mind is from 2012. I had been taken off medication for the first time earlier that year and had significantly improved immediately. My parents refused to accept it and ultimately got me to take medication by saying I had already agreed to it. I knew I wouldn’t have, but confidence in my memory was low enough to give them benefit of the doubt. That’s a level of trust they have never given me. The medication in question made me suicidal and left me emotionally unstable and not as able to think clearly for years, even though I only took it for a few days. Within half a year, my parents were insisting that this medication didn’t exist and that the problems it had caused were due to me being off medication for so long. It didn’t help that the doctor that prescribed it didn’t put it into my medical record. Other issues I’ve had with my parents include Mom claiming my grades in school were lower than they actually were and yelling at me for it or Dad trying to dictate what I was allowed to think and feel at any given moment. Dad would say things like “You’re too logical to think this way,” or “I think you’re suffering.” If I got upset at him pressuring me, he would say something along the lines of “Fine, punish me.” My parents also have a history of making up misinformation about me. Claiming I’m not showering, claiming I’m not eating, etc.
This explains, in detail, what I have been experiencing, in a relationship with an alcoholic, for over 5 years. I did not know this was happening or that I could put a label on it. It is all a part of master manipulation and lying – all characteristics of an addict. I divorced and got out of this relationship, completely and am now recovering from it all! Thank you for this phenomenal article presentation!
Gaslighting. My ex said I had “too many feelings”. When a topic came up that he was addressing about my insufficiencies, sometimes I would say “you do the same thing!” I would give an example. He immediately would say “We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.” Only it was never his turn. I could give so many other examples. I was with him for 14 months and still haven’t recovered, went no contact in January (restraining order for stalking). I was newly widowed when I met him. It has been really rough.
After 30 years, I finally had words to put to my experiences. When my therapist said, “Your husband is gaslighting you”, it was the most eye-opening moment of my life. I have been free of him for 3 1/2 glorious years. This article reconfirms so much for me. He used the exact phrases you said. PleAse keep making articles so people do not waste 30 years questioning their value in this world.
I am so happy i have found this. My sister is the narcissistic gaslighter and I wasted my life until now trying to prove the truth. I was always dismissed by my mother and sister and told that I was talking nonsense if I complained about being gaslighted. I am the smart sister but she is the golden child because she is prettier according to my mother. When I look at pictures of me when young I was a lovely looking girl and then woman, but it was so strongly ingrained in me by my mother that I was ugly that only at 60 I stopped thinking I am unattractive. Being in therapy helped me immensely.
Two decades of living with a covert narcissist who used gaslighting, psychological projection, lies of omission/commission, mental reservation, and every conceivable trick in the book left me completely destroyed. I was a devoted husband and stay-at-home dad for over ten years who ultimately had to leave his children…or die. Two years later, I have recovered enough to finally understand the truth: I was NOT insane. She was. Truth matters.
I am grateful for these articles. I married my boyfriend 2.5 months ago and things got bad 2 weeks after the I do’s. It has been very disorienting. The gaslighting is what caught my attention as I started to call them out. I started to write things down. After calling out the last one which was a major lie he ignored me for 6 days. I submitted divorce paperwork today. I know that this person is likely not going to change, and I either need to be able to live with it or leave. I am leaving. Thank you for the work you do.
My ex was extremely emotionally abusive and gaslight me constantly. And unfortunately for me my memory is horrible so he made me literally feel like I was going insane and made me question my reality everyday I was with him, I had to eventually start recording and documenting everything just to prove I wasn’t crazy and that he was gaslighting me. Thank the lord I got out of that…
I’m sensitive…emotionally, physically and spiritually. People make it sounds bad..but I believe it’s a gift. We are all different parts of the Spiritual body and have a different purpose to make it whole. Imagine feeling pain more intensely. Light is too bright, sound is too loud. This leads you to be more empathetic, sympathetic and calming. You are more forgiving, loving and giving. I have had people who honestly asked if I was an Angel. This from strangers. I have learned to balance my life and feel blessed.🙏
I was gaslit in my relationship in this classic example: I wanted to set a time aside that we could talk about “us” and any issues or concerns, as well as things that made us feel closer, as a way to bond and grow together. His response was “well I have A LOT of things I’m not happy with to talk about, and it’s going to take a LONG time. So either you can go first, or I’ll go first, but I have BIG, MAJOR concerns.” Surprised, as he never showed any signs of being unhappy with our relationship, I of course said “you can go first”. It was about a 2 hour lecture of how we should be better “team players” and when I asked for clarification on what that meant, he said “I can’t put my finger on it, but whatever it is you’re doing, it’s just not enough” After a 2 hour lecture of how I’m not fulfilling his needs (with no clear examples) I had no time or energy to even talk about what my issue was: That I wanted more intimacy. So that’s an example of being gaslit. My feelings were trumped by his “major issue” (out of no where) with no concrete examples. He deflected my emotions/issues/concerns to take the light off of the fact that he in fact might have some weaknesses to address. Bc the narcissist is perfect, everyone knows that…to the outside world!
As someone raised to be obedient, I can see (and have experienced) how easy it is to be gaslighted. Obedient kids are a result of authoritative parenting. In authoritative parenting, it’s all “always follow what Mom/Dad said because only Mom/Dad know what’s best for you”. What that actually teaches kids is that they need to obey a figure of authority. When these kids grow up and go out into the world, there are so many narcissists, psychopaths etc that will overpower obedient people (by positioning themselves as figures of authority), and easily manipulate them into giving them what they want. Just from my experience.
My ex-husband is a covert narcissist. His way of gaslighting me was to push my buttons. Usually he would do it in a room full of people. He knew what to say to piss me off. So he would sit beside me with his arm around me with a smile on his face and whisper things that he knew would instantly make me mad. So then I would snap and then he would jump away and act the victim. Saying see what I put up with everyday. She is so mean. I would get upset and leave. As I would leave I would look back at him and he would be smirking. He also cheated on me with anything and everything. The man worked as a jailer at a sheriff’s department and he decides to have sex with a woman who was in jail for murder. It was on article of course. Yet he tried to deny it. She accused him of rape to try to get out of jail. Again article. Anyway when he had to confess to me what happened he brought his sister and the sheriff to tell me and told them he was afraid of me. Laughable! Then has the nerve to blame what he did on me. I fell for it. I stayed. He always told me I was ugly and fat and nobody would want me anytime I tried to take the kids and leave. I did escape that relationship. Moved on been married to my best friend for 20 years now. My ex had no choice but to let me go. My current husband gave him no choice. I carried a lot of emotional baggage with me into my current relationship. Thankfully my husband is an understanding loving person. Hope this helps someone.
Nodding my head throughout the whole article. Within the last couple of years I realized I was experiencing abuse–though my intuition knew that I should not have been with this person, I kept believing in the good times, the promises… A big symptom for me was the confusion I experienced throughout the relationship. Harsh ups and downs.
ive been gaslighted by my mom for years.. when i realized it….it was heartbreaking… i look at her so different now.. how i found out is by perusal her talk to other relatives and friends.. then when she talk with me its completely different.. things didnt add up then i found out about the word gaslighting and im like yea that’s exactly what she did all these years..till this day i second guys myself on the simplest things.. gaslighting can destroy a person
I was in an emotional abusive relationship for 4 years. This was my first real relationship so I didn’t know really know what emotional abuse was or what a narcissist was. But he gaslighted me all the time when I would try and talk about my feelings of him being distant and cold, not compassionate, empathetic or affectionate towards me. I thought the gaslighting was how he would “express himself” because that is what he told me he was doing. But nothing ever got resolved. If I told him something was bothering me that he was doing, he would deflect and start talking about what I did that bothered him. Then the whole conversation would turn into what I did to him, never talking about the present issues. It was exhausting and made me sad and miserable. After finding and perusal these articles and Dr. Ramani’s articles, I finally left and realized I don’t deserve this and that my ex is in fact a narcissist. Good riddance.
Gaslighting is so so difficult. I feel like I can try my best to convey to the person how upset they’ve made me feel and I am instantly branded as a negative person. I need to keep reminding myself that no matter how much I look for that apology, I’m not going to get it and end up feeling more frustrated in the end
First time I remember being gaslit was when I was around 17 and I was in an abusive relationship which I didn’t recognize as that. My boyfriend at the time and I got into a fairly large fight. He went to punch me, clearly aimed for my stomach, diverged his punch and hit me in the arm leaving a bruise. The next day we talked and I said “you hit me” he said “no I didnt” I said “yea you did” and pointed to my bruise. He said “you did that to yourself.” At this point I was so far gone, I actually had an inkling that maybe I didn’t remember correctly. Talk to your kids folks. Tell them what abuse looks like so they can avoid being on either end of it.
I’m married to a classic textbook narcissist, 28 yrs. Separated for the last two yrs. I cannot tell you how much your articles have helped me. While I have always known that there was something very wrong with my husband, I could never put my finger on it, so to speak. He’s a master manipulator & gas-lighter. You’ve described him to the tee. I am learning so much from you Dr. Thank you 🙏 Btw… ordering your latest book‼️
My oldest sister is a total narcissist. She deliberately says very hurtful and inflammatory things to me, then when I am obviously hurt or angry, she tells me I am way too sensitive, and that she’s “only trying to help me.” Which is total bullshh. She deliberately says hurtful things because it makes her feel powerful and props up her self esteem.
Yup…every time my mother insulted me and I got upset, she’d say I was too sensitive. Every time I brought up a past slight on her part, she’d conveniently forget or deny that she’d done it. She even accused me of doing things that she perceived as nasty, that my sister had actually done. After 58 years and 1 month of it, I severed ties completely. And after several doses of these articles, I realized that I was unhealthily incorporating her tactics in my own behaviour. I now work overtime to mindfully avoid her tactics. If anyone can relate to this behaviour in a relationship, don’t hang on hoping to change it. Kick the relationship to the curb and start to live your life on a positive note.
My boyfriend of a 7 year relationship and father of our 3yr old child was emotionally cheating on me with a girl he works with and when I found out I was devastated but somehow had to fight to keep HIM. A week later and he’s projecting onto me and flipped it now accusing me of cheating on him with my best of almost 20 years. I am straight and have never faulted from being loyal to my boyfriend, I love him so much it hurts. And that’s the problem. Love should not hurt. Love should not leave you in tears wishing you were good enough. 7 years of my life down the drain…Never lose yourself trying to earn the love and respect of someone else. My broken heart goes out to anyone going through this in whatever case…let’s hope we can heal in time and become whole again.
I can’t take it anymore 🥺 it hurts so much… My husband is skilled in this. And I don’t have the emotional ability to stop it. I can admit I am trying every single day but he is so stronger than me. I cry and yell and it further makes me feel stupid so I’m here to get strength- strengthen my mind. He deflects SO SO much. I just spent two hours arguing with this narcissistic man and I’m exhausted. Y’all please pray for me, send good vibes bc I am working alone trying to deal with this.
I confronted my dad on a range of abusive behaviours that he perpetrated on me, it took so much courage to stand up to him. His response was, “I don’t remember that”. He used to tease me about the size of my breasts in front of relatives. All of them used to tell me that I was being too sensitive, it never mattered how upset I was, I was always the one that was wrong and taking good natured ribbing too seriously.
So been here/done this. From the conversations to the written e-mail/letters…didn’t matter what I said or did. The best solution was what I finally resorted to: I ended the conversation forever. This person has puzzled me, though. The gaslighting was obvious. But the bigger picture felt more like borderline personality disorder, even though some narcissistic behaviours presented as well. Regardless, the two biggest take-aways I got from learning about the potential causes of this person’s behaviour were: 1) Get out and as far away as possible. 2) An overflowing empathy and care, which was way better than the anger and frustration I felt toward him in the beginning. I can care about this person and wish him well, but I can’t fix him, can’t help him and most certainly can never interact with him again. It’s very sad, but at least one of us is in a much better place. He may never change, but at least I am no longer the subject of his abuse.
The final “straw” and downfall of my marriage was when my husband said something to me that was not true and hurt my feelings. Since he was “always about being open and honest and talking things out”, I went to him and told him that what he said hurt me. 20 minutes later I was crying and apologizing to him for being so upset. Wait. What? I started paying very careful attention to everything he said, even writing things down.
Thank you thank you! This article brought me to tears, made me realized that I’ve been gaslit for past 20 years, and this article included exactly the very same words I heard from my husband all these years (thanks to my 13 years old daughter for introducing me to Gaslighting this word ) Being a highly sensitive INFJ, having a traditional upbringing in a little ethnic minority village, loyalty means everything to me, and breaking family is unthinkable. At age of 19, love bombed, I fell in love with this amazingly romantic person. I was happy, he was the center of my life till our 2 daughters came along, I was like a single mum who took care of 3 children, but he’s no long the center of my life. I’ve been guilt tripped and gaslit, I was made to believe that I was short-tempered (with my occasional outburst ) I blamed myself for being too sensitive… I had struggled and hurt so much and didn’t know what else to do, and didn’t understand what was wrong with him. I tried everything and every way, and they would work for a few weeks, then back to the same cycle again and again, his abuse of alcohol made it even more despairing. I simply couldn’t face another ugly fight I never win, I just couldn’t deal with him and I was hopeless beyond words. I had to break away from from this toxic situation, to protect me and my daughters’ fragile emotions. Last December, I gathered all my courage and signed the separation agreement. to be able to get him out of the house, I agreed to all the conditions he laid out, buying him out, so I could have full custody of my 2 daughters.
When I broke up with my ex, who was a narcissistic abuser, he rang me the next day and talked to me as if nothing happend the night before. When I asked him what he was doing and told him I broke up with him last night, he laughed and said quote ” no you didn’t.. you know how I know you didn’t? Because that’s something I would remember you saying. You must have dreamt that because that never happened “. He was crazy and would always talk to me like I was stupid!
I was always saying “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.” I was confused so often. We had high highs and low lows. I didn’t feel safe having a conversation with him without witnesses. He told me that his therapist told him that if he didn’t know he was gaslighting, then he wasn’t gaslighting. Currently going through a divorce. 😁🎉 thank you for your articles!!!
I used to think I was dumb or something because this would happen to me a lot especially from younger people. What made things even worse was when I would try taking accountability for “my actions”, rather than being supportive, I would only get ridiculed/shamed more because then they would rub it in that they were “right”. Once I started understanding what was happening, I was able to take control of My interactions or lack of which drives a narcissist just as crazy but allows my sanity to remain more in tact. I say “more” because any interactions with narcissists, which is impossible not to do in today’s world, has some sort of negative effect.
I was going through this with a caregiver who made sure that I was the abusive one in our relationship. It doesn’t help that I’m disabled (stroke survivor), and even made that my fault. I get that, I’m only responsible for myself. Since she saw that my immediate family had no regard for me, she didn’t either. I’m glad that I’m moving into an assisted living facility very soon!
Holy cow, this is like a textbook map of my previous relationship. This explains a lot. What helped me the most was couples’ counseling, which I had made a condition to me moving in. I worked so hard at the relationship and also doubted myself as a result of his criticism, and the counseling helped validate that my concerns and my truth were legitimate. He absolutely hated counseling, and it quickly eroded our relationship, but really it saved me time by showing me that the relationship did not have the potential to grow.
Nailed it when you said you feel the need to record conversations. That’s exactly where I ended up, written and audio, screenshots, you name it. When I started googling why is this and that happening, as I did feel confused, crazy, brain fog, etc which is when I found out my partner is a narcissist. Then it all made sense. The records for me are a reminder, proof etc when I doubt myself. I did once say ‘No, you did say that’ told him I still had the messages, and of course i got snapped at ‘Oh that’s right you would keep those, so you can use it against me’ after that I realized there is no point trying to prove anything to a Narc. Because they didn’t do that, they didn’t say that etc. UGH
For the past year and a half, I had slowly stopped putting myself first and questioning who I am. When I started being more open and honest with my therapist and discussing my situation with someone who I was involved with and how I always questioned myself after each argument, my therapist finally brought up that I was being gaslit. I started to realize that I wasn’t crazy, I had actually started recording conversations because I questioned myself, and started researching gaslighting more. When I found the research and articles like this, I started to become disgusted with the situation. The funny thing is, the person gaslighting me told me to look up “gaslighting” and “narcissism” because I was doing that to her. When I told my therapist this, my therapist replied with, “That is exactly what someone who gaslights would tell you to do.” Thank you for shedding light on this. We’ll be able to move forward everyone 🙏
23 years with my wife… these articles make sense. Bits and pieces of this disorder, i can see. So many things have happened that drove me nuts. More recently im being accused of being a narcissist. The lies being told to me and about me have kept me isolated…. No one ever took the time to know me and know who i really am. Cant undo the lies. I cant get a complete sentence out.. without constant interruptions and corrections.. i guess ive started believing i was the problem and shut down. I thought these kind of articles would bring me peace, but only cause me more pain. Sorry if this doesnt flow. Its hard to talk about.
I knew what gaslighting was in general and I didn’t think that was happening to me, but with it properly broken down now I know that that was my entire childhood. I didn’t know how to describe what my mother was doing to me but now it’s so clearly gaslighting and it caused SO much damage. I was made believe things I was experiencing wasn’t happened, that everything was my fault, how I was hurting everyone else for being sick. I have massive trust issues now to the point where I can’t get into any romantic relationships and struggle greatly with friends. I never believe my own thoughts and can barely reach out for help even when I’m on the brink of suicide. I feel like now knowing that everything I went through with my mother was almost entirely gaslighting, I think I can move on easier. Just to be able to look back at things and know that it was wrong and that she was the problem, instead of taking the blame for things that blatantly had nothing to do with me
This was such a great article! I watched this with my boyfriend and he was so apologetic because he realized that he was gaslighting and didn’t even know it. I did the same thing the Dr. said about recording our arguments and writing long text messages. Needless to say, he has gotten better and we are working with each other to grow. Thank u so much for such an informative article! ❤️❤️
Since I live in a nursing home, and have not-well-controlled BPD, about the only words I hear are “Calm down.” “Don’t cry….it. Makes it worse.” Or, when I’m melting down, “Why are you crying? There’s nothing to cry about.” I have 2MA’s and a Ph.D., but 18-19 year old aides are apparently have permission to prescribe: “Well, everybody’s about as happy as they decide to be. It’s up to you.” Baby-gaslight?
I have a great memory! So whenever someone tells me something, I do remember it exactly what the person told me, I didn’t knew in the past this was gaslighting! Interesting is the story of my childhood friend, once we were at a wedding, we were maybe 9 and 8 years old! We were sitting in a car, she removed her blazer and there were a few kids in the car, we left the car for taking photos, when we came back I saw her blazer on the cars floor and with some shoe prints on it, I’ve told her, oh no! Your blazer fell down and somebody walked all over your blazer, she told me, you walked on it! I said, no I didn’t, but she didn’t stopped to blame me, although I was swearing, I didn’t do it, but as child you don’t understand gaslighting! She was growing up in a very bad situation, her mother divorced her father and moved abroad and left her with her relatives, then she was passed from one aunty to another, to grandmother and they all were not nice people, so she became a narcissist early on. We stayed friends for a long time, but every time I would visit her, her behavior was unbearable! Once I visited her and from her place we traveled to Venice, she was dieting so she took some food in boxes with her, I’ve told her, don’t bring nothing with you, you will not eat it, we will eat at restaurants, but she took it anyway, there of course she herself only wanted to go to a restaurant, so she let the food in the boxes in our room, the next day I woke up earlier and throw the old food in the dustbin, bcoz it was already bad and it wasn’t smelling good, I was pregnant by that time, so any smell was disturbing me, I washed the boxes, later she accused me of throwing away one of her yellow boxes, I told her I was 100 % sure, there was no yellow box, all boxes were in place, I didn’t throw away nothing!
I dated a guy for 4 years (13 years ago) who, when I would bring up an issue, would rapid fire back at me a list of 50 things that he was upset about. Never once in 4 years did we ever resolve an issue. Ever. Then in the last couple months (thanks to Med Circle and Dr Ramani) that my mother is a narcissist. She cut me off 16 years ago when we were struggling to plan her birthday party. I have learned a lot in the past 16 years… wowza.
Great stuff. I’m in a rut here though. You say before starting any of this, the spouse must end the affair. So in my husband’s offense, it’s ended but he still talks and texts the woman because they still work together and it’s only about work and he no longer has feelings for her😥. I keep trying to make him understand all the above that you mention about my hurt and everything but he doesn’t take empathy or compassion in my pain. How can I make him understand that keeping her around is pretty much making me replay the infidelity over and over again and I was able to move on with the help of Coherent Recovery when he give me access to the text messages.
Once ‘recording convos’ was mentioned. I was shocked . Still have convos of my mother with me her insanity just to prove to others like this monster is whom she is. This what i had to live with And still she tries the mind games and such so crazy. How this resonates with me in such a level thank you!
I was engaged to a narcissist and 4 years after that relationship came to an end (thank goodness), I am only now beginning to realize what a narcissist he was. And I was a psych major! 🤦♀️ It was a horrible, abusive relationship and he used gaslighting All. The. Time. When Dr. Ramani said there comes a point when you want to record every conversation for proof, I almost jumped out of bed! That could not have more accurately described how I felt at the time. Ugh! The series on narcissism is not only tremendously informative, but also SO important. Every single person out there knows at least one narcissist if not more. Y’all know that’s true, lol. I only wish I’d learned about this a decade ago, but hey, better late than never.
I’ve dated so many of them that their gaslighting no longer affects me. I can see it. My boyfriend said I’m nagging. I yell and argue. I don’t. The old me did but I grew emotionally from that to learn how to communicate. All I asked for was more communication and affection. Since I’m always initiating the conversation.
This was really helpful. I’m coming to the realization that I’m a victim of narcissistic abuse from my mother and it’s been really challenging because I still believe she’s a good person and loves me. This has been a good introduction to figuring out how to navigate this from a healthy mature place than falling back into the entanglement of emeshment. 🙏 definitely going to read the book
Ending the conversation and cutting off contact is great advice. But my mother and grandmother were both narcissists, and they were the only family members I had constant contact with. Others were ill, absent by choice, or already dead. To this day I have a hard time knowing what is normal behavior from other people, because my frame of reference is distorted.
OMG! I have attracted a zillion narcissists in my life without knowing that this was a definable personality trait/disorder. I did catch on to the deadly borderlines and figured the narcissists were a form of that. Well, I “broke up” with my best friend of 29 years and business partner in our last 14 years. At the end of that relationship I had a visceral and emotional response equivalent to being released from a psychological prison. After the relieve phase, which was a couple of years, all the pennies started to drop….memories through all the years of her gaslighting, shaming, minimizing, two-faced behavior and on and on. Granted narcissism is a known and studied personality now, but not in past decades. THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! Now, my life is totally narcissist and borderline free. I absolutely love Dr. Ramani’s breakdown of the diabolical techniques and mental con jobs of a narcissist. What’s truly amazing is they all say the same things, like a script. Creepy. Thank you. H.W.
Yep. I knew my sister was manipulative and controlling. But it took me many years to understand her weird behavior of blaming others of the behaviors she exhibited and the fact she didn’t remember what/how things happened in the past the same way everyone else did. I always made excuses that well, she’s rather emotional and maybe that is why, she just shuts down and rewrites things in her own head to feel better about it. Nope, she gaslights and shows other narcissistic traits. She has never admitted to any bad behavior, has never apologized, and is always the victim. Your articles have helped.
“I was just. . ” These are gaslighting words you hear from so many men, even though they are not necessarily narcissistic. A lot of men cannot apologize, even when they’ve done something really, straightforwardly hurtful, and will instead invalidate your distress by minimizing what they’ve done, and sometimes make it sound like they were doing something noble and helpful and you’re just crazy to react that way. “I was just. . .” means you’re not getting any honesty or good Will, and the conversation is over.
Years ago, I had a boyfriend that was a very abusive. He would physically abuse me and had me so scared, that I didn’t trust myself. I was convinced he knew everything I did and that I might cheat on him and then not remember. I didn’t trust myself at all. He isolated me from everyone. He was extremely violent, I only got away when he was sentenced to a prison for aggravated assault. He beat a man breaking his eye socket and check bone, for trying to come on to me. I still have a lot of pain to get over from dealing with him.
And they save the emails and always use them against you to say, “See? You send nasty mails…You ARE an angry and horrible/petty/etc. person!!” And this gives them evidence to show others so they can get everyone else on their side to gang up on you. It’s especially tough being the baby in a family of narcissists who never got therapy, who never take accountability….ugh…it’s just so frustrating. They think they know better than the youngest. But also…being the youngest and the most successful (AND I’ve had therapy that did wonders!!) bothers the heck out of them. Going No Contact is the ONLY thing that has enabled me to move on from self-doubt and second guessing myself. I wasted too much time. It’s interesting (and wonderful) now to see how much I’ve blossomed since I’ve stopped trying with those people. My spouse and children are a godsend, and I’ve never had so many friends before in my entire life. I am no longer insecure, and I’m super careful who I let into my life. I am happy…and I’m FREE.
I am so thankful for Alanon, I am a greatful member, 32 years in Alanon, I draw strength from the tools of the program. I live with a dry drunk, and the isims, raises it ugly head ever so often, only I can see the gaslighting he tries to do. In my case I don’t take it on, I walk away. I say what I have to say, and don’t let him engage me. I keep busy, I focus on me, where I do have some control.
I caught my ex-bf cheating. I saw text messages and there was really no denying it. He denied it anyway, told me I’m crazy and there’s something wrong with my head. He was mad at me for looking at the texts in the 1st place and gave me the silent treatment. I actually believed that I must be going crazy and was so scared to lose a great guy that I put myself on a daily prescription anxiety medication. Now I see gaslighting & gift giving.
You have just described my marriage perfectly. I could never win; I was over sensitive, mental, going mad, my memory was failing me etc. There was no emotional engagement, an unwillingness to hear me, it was extremely frustrating and confusing. Even when I caught him out having had many affairs (20 years into our relationship) he made me feel like I was the one who had made him do it! He even told me he had never lied to me or deceived me and that I had to make amends to win him back! Unfortunately for me my discovery came at a time when I was so broken by involvement with him and his narcissistic mothers personal fight that I stayed and tried to make him happy. It cost me dearly, I was broken hearted and unable to talk to anyone about it apart from him. I had to hide it from our teenage children, he used this time to encourage them to side with him in presenting me as over sensitive and ‘mental’( I was going through menopause), which was very hurtful. I wrote him the long emails and got no reply or even acknowledgement that he’d received them. I couldn’t be seen to be hurt or angry or sad as this would lead to scorn being heaped upon me or an angry outburst or resentment. What I wanted most was reassurance and validation, but I couldn’t get either except in rare moments. I had to ‘get over it’ and acknowledge ‘my part’ in why he’d done it. He wouldn’t even agree to being able to stop being unfaithful in the future, it depended on me providing the excitement. I tried to explain that this was impossible as I would never be ‘new’ to him again but it fell on deaf ears.
I lived in a relationship being gaslighted (for which I volunteered) for over 12 years. I totally lost myself and was invisible in that marriage. My opinion NEVER mattered. Thank GOD I left, and now understand, in retrospect, what I ALLOWED to be done to me. I am very happily married now and in a totally HEALTHY relationship with my wife. We are great partners, and I’ve never been happier!
I was raised by narcissistic parents and grew up in advertently “choosing” narcissistic men. Was married to two of them and almost a third before I saw the light. My ex fiancé was the king of using things and breaking them and hiding them all the way in the bottom of the trashcan or putting them right in the dumpster and not only would he not tell me that he accidentally broke it (or intentionally I’ll never know) but when I would ask if he had seen it he would actually sit there and watch me run around the house frantic looking for it when he knew full well what had happened to it and where it was…… in the trash. He then progressed to taking things of mine that he did not like and just getting rid of them, And then, again lying about knowing about their whereabouts and allowing me to search frustratingly everywhere looking for the item
my parents have narc qualties, and they took it a step further to take me to a pshycologist who said i have bipolar or phschosis.. i live in an arab country where society gives parents such rights. i.e. to abuse their children and face no consequences. And they have money and their inner circles are all the same ; they stand by each other.
My mother has been gaslighting me my whole life. I’m forever told “just get over it” and am not allowed to have a feeling or opinion. Conversations end up in yelling matches because I can never get more than 3 words of sentence out before she’s spouting off again and then she ends up hanging up. So frustrating and infuriating. Funny thing is she wants to move in with us. I said no way not happening. I think she was shocked.
Just the other day when I was saying to a friend about how I felt too fearful to go somewhere to visit after I had been badmouthed, she told me “oh no, it’s not that bad, you’r overreacting”. I started talking more about my legitimate concerns, but you know what? Next time, I am just going to say “nevertheless I feel deeply uneasy” and leave it at that. I am really sick of blah blah-ing trying to convince people who deny me my feelings. Maybe the friend was trying to reassure me or ramp me down or comfort herself, but it makes me fel worse not better when someone tells me I don’t feel what I just said I feel.
In my old job, which I had for 4 months as a sales team leader, I had a female manager who I had concerns with even during the interview. She rarely let me speak during my interview, interrupted me with other questions or dismissed certain points that I had made about previous employment. She just didn’t seem like the type of person who really listens to her employees. The focus of the interview was more on her if anything! Anyway, I get the job. First day was great, second day was okay. But as a team leader, I’m in charge of my group ensuring they’re meeting KPI’s, giving good customer service etc.. The entire time I’m there, she’s giving me lessons on selling, she’s not really interested in the experience I’ve accumulated in the past, all she wants to do is turn me into a salesperson. Anyway, I explain to her that I’ve had experience, I’m comfortable selling the way I have been successfully the last 5 years, I’ve had multiple employers give me outstanding references, and I’ve had so much training already that has enabled me to join the ladder to management. I said what I really need is product training. I know the sales, please teach me the product, therefore when I am approached by a customer, I can better understand the product. Knowing how to sell is irrelevant if I don’t know what it is I’m selling. She saw that as disrespectful, she told me I’m rude, ignorant, defiant of superiors etc.. Because of that very polite chat I had with her about this, which was supposed to be a chat to have an understanding with her and to explain in a polite way that I would like to be trained on products more than anything, as my selling will shine through once I know the products, she contacted her line manager and requested that I be fired.
The efficiency of this Coherent Recovery is next level. To juggle walk throughs of various angles on the topic delivered to-camera, differnet content per topic from various folks underneath the umbrella of the track list of the larger big band concert itself is engaging and refined. To make a dense taccess like this so digestible is really something. Awesome work Jack !!!
How damaging gaslighting can be when a parent does it to a child: It can cause them to lose their life and/or live a life of pure hell. It will cause the child to allow others to abuse them throughout their entire life, they doubt what they feel, and think it’s normal. And even if they even think it might not be right, their brain convinces them they are wrong, and they allow it. Also, sometimes they do not even recognize it, or are so desensitized to it, that they have no idea the danger they are in – physically and/or emotionally.
My ex used to NOT tell me important things, then, when I found out, he’d say “I told you that”. After arguing about these incidents when they occurred, I could see he would never admit to it. So the next time it happened, I said, “you know, I think you talk to so many people that maybe you thought you told me but you didn’t”. He could accept that, cause I gave him an excuse. But I was too smart for him. He thought I was believing his B.S., because most of the time I just blew it off. I used to think that he did it because his parents, especially his dad, (Who was the King of Narcissism) were so much older, he figured they were senile, and he could lie and get away with it. Then I finally realized he was just a liar. The other thing was, I could never tell him about something that happened to me, because he would turn the conversation around to himself. Like, “but, that’s enough about you, let’s talk about ME”
Thank you so much. I have literally wondered if something has been so fundamentally wrong with me for decades. Learning about narcissism in recent years has finally shed a shinning light on what I have experienced my whole life. Based on my learnings my father was a grandiose narcissit and my mother is a cover narcissit. Gaslighting was and is a constant. Unfortunately not knowing I was doing the wrong thing I have letters and emails to my parents and siblings o er the years. I got no response to minimizing and dismissive responses. I also unknowingly surrounded myself with narcissists in friendships and romantic relationships. This helps me understand I’m not “insane” or even “to sensitive”. Oh God the times I heard I was “too sensitive” or “…your problem is….” I would be a multy millionaire!
One of my many experiences with Gaslighting: One night my husband (now ex) asked me to wake him up the next day (instead of him setting an alarm). I agreed to do this for him. The next day, when it was time for him to get up. I went into the room (as l was already up), told him it was time. He looked at me and started swearing, “What the F$#% ? I never asked you to wake me up. I don’t need your f@#$ing help to wake up in the morning, etc…” I was shocked and pissed. We took our daughter to her softball event. I refused to talk to him. When we got there, l was still not talking. He asked me what my problem was. I first asked “Seriously?” When he still acted bewildered, l recalled the events of the morning. He claimed that he didn’t remember any of that happening! For awhile, l wondered if perhaps he was actually sleeping or something when this happened, because how could he not remember doing it!? I have now come to realize that this is a technique that narcissists use to confuse their victims -Gaslighting!
Just saw this article at a time I needed it most. Two of my “friends” gaslight me after I told them I was having issues with their behavior when we three hung out. I could tell that I was the third wheel when the three of us hung out. Just the general vibe, inside jokes, and making plans with each other in front of me. I confronted them about this since we planned to go down to my shore house next week. I explained that in general they give off a “duo” vibe when I’m with them and gave to examples. Everything Dr Ramani said about gaslighting I was met with. Especially from my one “friend” N. He used every excuses of trying to say I took it the wrong way and that it didn’t happen and if they did make plans they would invite me. He brought back old things that I did that wronged him and said they were the same. (the point was that I hung out with another friend group who he didn’t know at all, except meeting once. Yet excepted me to invite him to add him to our already made plans. For ex, I’m hanging out with them at their place and N texts me saying he wants to hang out. I say I can’t cause I’m hanging out with so and so. Then later he tells me he has an issue with this and wants me to invite him (even though they have their numbers). I apologize and invite him the next hang out to which he says maybe I’ll go). I tried to point out that the physical hanging out wasn’t the issue I had, it was the emotional exclusion. Then, N claims he is the victim in this case. He brings up how everyone does this to him, point out something wrong, even though he is a kind people pleaser.
The ones that always made me cry were when my mother would say something awful, mean, invalidating, etc. and then, when I’d express how that hurt me, she’d say “I’m your mother! I would never try to hurt your feelings,” or “You just don’t know me well enough,” or “I can’t believe you’d take it like that.” Sometimes, she’d even start crying about how misunderstood she was, and I’d end up comforting and apologizing to HER. It left me feeling guilty for feeling hurt and guilty for questioning her hurtful words/actions. If that’s not messed up, nothing is.
I love these articles. I’ve finally figured out a few of my family members!! For years I thought it was me,because that’s what they told me, that I took things wrong, that I just wanted to start problems and on and on. I wasn’t the parents, I was the child. He went to jail, she should have as well but didn’t. I feared for my life, only for my mom to threaten me to sign papers to get him out. Nowadays they would’ve been doing some long time in prison. I’m away from them now, far away,plus my mom died so… I’m ok now, it’s been yrs and I am now happy & doing very well. I’ve babbled on enough lol God Bless You All !
For a long time I felt like I couldn’t speak to my mother without my girlfriend being present. I was afraid of the abuse that happened whenever my girlfriend wasn’t around. My narcissistic mother caught on and started crying the one day saying: “I can’t even speak to my own child alone?”. No, you can’t. And I’m an adult now.