Narcissistic parental brainwashing is a psychological manipulation by a parent with narcissistic tendencies to manipulate a child into thinking false narratives. Parental alienation involves a parent turning a child against the other parent, often showing either narcissistic or borderline tendencies. This can lead to serious long-term consequences for the child.
To counteract parental alienation, parents should provide the child with as much normal, drama-free, neutral time and space as possible. One common technique is never discussing the other parent, which can be more harmful than actual abuse. In extreme cases, aggressive parents may use drugs or alcohol to manipulate the child’s behavior or fake bruises or injuries to convince the child.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a controversial theory that claims that one parent, termed the “alienating” parent, effectively brainwashes the children. Through systematic alienation, one parent may slowly brainwash a child against the other parent. The parent involved in such alienation behavior then may gain control over the child.
Brainwashed children end up having diminished capacity because they are dependent on the brainwashing and programming parent, deprived of neutral social support. In most divorce cases where there is animosity and conflict between the parents, there is some degree of brainwashing and programming of the child. It is essential for parents to provide the child with as much normal, drama-free, neutral time and space as possible to avoid brainwashing and other harmful behaviors.
📹 The fate of the brainwashed child
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
What happens to a child’s brain when parents fight?
Research indicates that frequent parental fighting can negatively impact children’s cognitive performance, attention regulation, problem-solving abilities, and problem-seeking abilities. High-conflict families also increase the likelihood of dropping out of high school and poor grades. Additionally, children exposed to parental fighting may develop hostility towards others, leading to squabbles and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships as adults. This can result in a lack of trust in life and a struggle to maintain healthy relationships in adulthood.
What is the malicious dad syndrome?
Malicious parent syndrome is a condition where parents intentionally spread rumors and lies to their children, causing harm to their relationship and potentially irreversible damage. Trust is essential for effective co-parenting, and when trust is absent, maintaining a relationship becomes challenging. Parents may find themselves in situations where visitation is denied or the co-parent lies about why they cannot spend time with them, adding insult to injury. Examples of malicious parent syndrome include parents denying visitation or making up stories about the children being sick to prevent visitation sessions.
To detect malicious parent syndrome, parents should pay attention to how their children act around them. It is unrealistic to expect honesty from co-parents about their communication with their children. It is crucial to closely monitor children’s behavior to determine if alienating behavior is occurring at the other parent’s home. By addressing these issues, parents can help maintain a healthy and positive co-parenting relationship with their children.
Who is vulnerable to brainwashing?
Richardson suggests that certain individuals are more vulnerable to recruitment by cults and religious movements due to emotional vulnerabilities, childhood abuse, or strained family relationships. However, Stein argues that these vulnerabilities are situational, not dispositional. At the wrong time in someone’s life, they could be vulnerable to manipulation and mind control. Hassan states that any human being will have situational vulnerabilities throughout their lives, such as the death of a loved one, illness, or moving to a new city, which a cult recruiter can deceptively appeal to.
How to tell if your child is being manipulated by other parent?
Child manipulation is a form of emotional abuse where a parent attempts to use their child or children as pawns in a high conflict divorce. This can occur in disputes over children, family house, or finances, aiming to destroy the other parent’s relationship with their children. The manipulative parent may cause the child to believe they will only be loved by complying with their wishes, interfere with the alienated parent’s time with the child, be distraught that the child is spending time with the other parent, constantly try to align the child against the other parent, make up or distort facts about the other parent, use the child as a spy, use the child as a messenger, and threaten self-harm if the other parent or the child does not give into their demands. This type of manipulation is harmful to both the targeted parent and the child caught in these emotional battles.
Is brainwashing gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of brainwashing that involves a person or entity denying something without proof, projecting onto others, and telling blatant lies to gain power. It is a common tactic used by abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders to manipulate victims. Gaslighting is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. The technique is illustrated in the movie Gaslight, where a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she’s losing her mind.
Gaslighters typically use blatant lies to set a precedent, keeping the victim unsteady and off-kilter. This technique is used by anyone susceptible to gaslighting, and it can be used by anyone to gain power.
How does a narcissist turn your kids against you?
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a mental health condition where a child is manipulated by a narcissistic parent to refuse to have a relationship with another parent. This can occur during a divorce or custody battle, where the child is provided with false or exaggerated information. The child becomes hostile towards the innocent parent and idolizes the narcissist. Although not officially recognized as a mental health condition, PAS can fall under the DSM-5 code for “child affected by parental relationship distress”.
Symptoms of PAS include obvious signs like a parent’s inability to communicate, less direct methods like the narcissist blaming the other parent for the end of the marriage, punishing the child for wanting to pursue a relationship, or moving far away to make it difficult to maintain a relationship with the innocent parent.
What is brainwashing a child against the other parent?
Parental alienation is a theory where one parent is accused of brainwashing a child to turn them against the other. It is often used as evidence in divorce and custody cases, but is often dismissed by mental health professionals. Dr. Richard Gardner, a New York psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, developed the theory, which states that children mistakenly believe they are being abused. He recommended courts treat children in the custody of the parent accused of abuse, and in severe cases, “threat therapy” to disabuse them of their distorted beliefs.
What are the 3 levels of brainwashing?
The process of brainwashing is comprised of three distinct techniques: unfreezing, change, and refreezing. These techniques are frequently employed to induce dependency, dissonance, and attitude change in individuals.
What is the most common form of brainwashing?
Brainwashing refers to a political or religious indoctrination program that involves isolation, obedience, and social pressures. It can result in physical and psychological punishments for non-cooperation, such as ostracism, criticism, deprivation of food, sleep, and social contacts. The practice gained attention in communist political prisons after the Chinese Communist victory in 1949 and after the Korean and Vietnamese wars.
More recently, it has been reported in fringe religious cults and radical political groups in the United States. Deprogramming, or reversing the effects of brainwashing through psychotherapy and confrontation, has been successful in some cases.
📹 Psychological manipulation: An expert explains parental alienation to “48 Hours”
How can one parent turn a child against the other parent? Amy Baker, Ph.D, a researcher and author, explains parental alienation …
I am a brainwashed child. Sided with my parents all the time. Never held them accountable. Enabled them. Codependent. Also golden child. Denied there was anything wrong (with them, with me). Developed my own set of narcissistic patterns. Denied there was anything wrong my whole life. My wife saw it, others saw it, I didn’t. Because of my wife, I started going to therapy, developed some emotional sense, reconnected… I’ve been grieving for half a year now. Every “normal” family event now causes grief… it’s just not what I thought it was. But it’s so much better to be on this side of it… on the side of truth.
I was the brainwashed child. It took decades to realize this, but I made it out. When you’re the youngest child and under the influence of a narcissistic parent from birth, it’s hard to break that bond, but it can happen. We are not bad people, just victims of Stockholm Syndrome. Please be patient and have some empathy. Thankfully, I was able to walk away from this nightmare scenario
I was a brainwashed child. Three things took me out of it: 1) My mom did something so horrible, I couldn’t justify it. 2) I went to therapy for a different issue and realized how much my mom was hurting me. I started my sessions with, “I love my mom. She’s awesome. But she did something that upset me…” 3) When I knew something was wrong, I asked my scapegoat brother, “Does mom ever seem crazy to you?” He said, “YES!” and we had a long talk, where we realized Mom had been lying to us about the other to turn us against each other. I stayed brainwashed for as long as I did because it was too painful to acknowledge that my mom didn’t love me. Instead I put the blame on myself and thought if I tried harder, if I said the right thing, I could finally earn her love.
Seems like you just described my brainwashed child just now. I’m an alienated /target parent, who suffered under my narcissist spouse for 20 years. But my brainwashed child just doesn’t see it. For him, he was the best and saw the best interest for everyone. I’m just waiting for the lightbulb moment for him and my younger one
I was the brainwashed child. A life shattering moment took me out of the fog. My brother and I both circulated between the Golden Child/scapegoat/forgotten child/helper/handmaid roles. I was extremely narcissistic for years. Your website has been instrumental in my change over the last 18 months. And I am changing the lives of friends who were raised in narc family systems through your website and others like the Personal Development School. I can never thank you enough.
I was 100% the Brain Washed Golden Child. Lucky for me I’ve always been naturally curious about psychology and as far back as I can remember I always inherently knew something was wrong with my family. Almost 7 years ago I finally ✂️cut the umbilical cord (my words) and I have been going through ALL the stages of grief, letting go of a family I thought “loved” me. It’s been wonderful and terrible. It’s like I’m a teenager again at 41 years old. Seriously what it feels like to break free from that abuse at the age of 35. I’m so thankful for you Dr Ramani. I’ll say it over and over you definitely saved my sanity! I love you!!💖
It sounds like the brainwashed child strongly identifies with the narcissistic parent, either due to sharing narcissistic traits with the parent or as a survival mechanism similar to Stockholm Syndrome. It can be hard to learn ego differentiation as an adult when you had not been allowed to develop into a separate person. The inclination to empathize with difficult people to anticipate their emotions and needs, so as to keep them from hurting you can be a tough habit to break. This multi-generational pattern keeps adult children enmeshed with their parents, with the child acting as best friend and servant to their parents. The adult child is living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (credit to Susan Forward for the acronym).
I grew up totally isolated in my own family. I was a brainwashed golden child. I was only noticed for being well behaved and compared to my sisters. I haven’t seen my eldest sister for 4 years. That was at the funeral of my middle sister. Who I had not seen since my parents divorce 30 years ago. My mother hung on to me kept me stuck with her until I was 51 years old. I had a breakdown and couldn’t look after her anymore. I finally got my own place and life. Then I got a narcissist partner who tormented me for 3 years. I am away from him now and I can see now what a mess my life has been. I feel so sad.
I’m married to a narc ; We have a 10 year old daughter (only child) who became brainwashed about one year ago. I filed for divorce almost 3 years ago. The loss cuts so deep it’s indescribable; and as a father who wants and needs to protect his one and only child I feel mostly helpless; I don’t feel hopeless. My soon to be co parent is taking away the close loving, trusting bond between father and daughter . What a crime.
I definitely think the brainwashed child has narcissistic tendencies as well. They won’t call out the abusive behavior because they are in alignment with the dysfunction. They excuse the narc parent because they are vibrating at the same frequency. It is incredibly devastating to stand alone against an entire family of such soulless vampires. Best to go no contact, grieve the loss, and move forward.
“Did you know our mother doesn’t really love you and enjoys your misery?” 👆 That’s basically what you’re saying to the brainwashed child. Good luck with that. It was hard enough for all of us the accept that our parents were narcissists. And, even for normal children, knowing that your parents are evil is NOT something most people will want to accept. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I fully acknowledged that my mother was a narcissist. The pain and grief were unimaginable. I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to face it. But even still, I can’t have an enabler in my life, so I still stay away from siblings.
I was the brainwashed child. My dad would put me up to doing his dirty work. He brainwashed me to be used as his scapegoat. It took me years to figure this out for myself. It has damaged my sense of trust. I trusted that my dad wanted what was best for me, but in the end he was just using me. My first marriage mirrored this relationship perfectly. When I divorced her I could finally see how she treated me just like my dad. I cut off his entire side of the family and a sister who still defends him. The last thing I said to her was “how can you defend your abuser?” She didn’t like that and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I was the scapegoat, and sadly brainwashed by mom into my fifties. I was a fighter though ….. so I finally am No contact for three years now. My entire rest of family remain in denial. It is gutwrenching but peaceful. Trauma recovery from my narc ” fleas” from this family is hard but so worth it . Bless this community.♥️🌎♥️
I was a brainwashed child and have done a great deal of work to escape the cloud. I used to struggle with guilt and shame for enabling my narcissistic parent and even helped her hurt other family members. I realize now that I can’t change the past or make the structure better. I have tried to make amends but often ended up retraumatizing siblings/ cousins. I’ve learned to accept responsibility for my own wrongdoing and not view myself as the sole victim in the sick family structure. The downside of realizing all of this is that I’ve largely distanced myself from the narcissistic parent but am also estranged from my siblings/ cousins. In my experience, the brainwashed child who sees the light ends up without many if any family/ kinship ties and struggles with all other relationships as well but can gain a great deal of peace with enough talk therapy and/or medication over time.
Being raised in a actual cult filled with “brainwashed children ” including myself until I was 11, this article really speaks to me. I’m the only one out of the whole family to leave the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I definitely need a really good and patient therapist! Could you make a article on how to find a good therapist? Much love to you Dr. Ramani ❤
Me for 50 years. I believed the whole fairytale of our family. It didn’t fall apart for me until my dad’s Alzheimer’s put him in the VA and mom’s codependency had nowhere to go but me. Yes, I’m in therapy. Two years and counting. My elder brother is still very brainwashed. You’re not wrong about the grief.
Regarding the suggestion that the brainwashee’s refusal to acknowledge the toxicity of a narcissistic parent out of stubbornness, I would think another very real possibility when it comes to motivations could just be a comfort thing. Reevaluating your perception and behavior can be extremely difficult, and it’s definitely unpleasant, especially when you’re so deeply in the wrong
My narcissistic sister didn’t need to be brainwashed, she and my mom were always best buds and I’ve always been the one they loved to mistreat. It continues to this day, but at least I finally realized my mom was a covert narc in recent years – thanks in large part by these articles. It was easy to identify my sister as being callous and mean early on, since she’s quite grandiose (if not sociopathic) and we just agreed that we didn’t like each other as young adults and don’t interact much. I figured out as a teenager that it pissed her off when I didn’t get upset at the nonsense she was telling me. Now, I don’t fall for the bait when it comes to my mom. (although not 💯 of the time) The covert narcissists really are the tricky ones.
I was brainwashed as a child and up into my teens. I simply could not process that at my mom’s behavior was selfish. After all, she loved us, does so much for us, sacrificed for us, “Everything I do, I do for you guys!” she told us… How could I betray her by even thinking she was doing harm. I felt guilty when I had cynical opinions of her actions. I finally started to come around when my situation changed and I ended up living with just she and I. I then had to take the place of some of the other roles and I mentally started to break. I almost passed out trying to get the courage to speak up and tell her I think I needed help… I was met with anger and she immediately made it about her and what she needs. I finally had the “Ah Ha” moment. I finally realized that this women would never be there for me the way I need and I was going to need to heal myself.
This was my sister. She refused to see my mom true nature & my dad’s enabling. She would always say, “You’re making mom & dad look bad. If people talk to me about them they would think they were cool!” or She would make excuses for our mother’s narc like behavior (she’s not a full fledged narc) as just going through PMS & oversimplify situations. But about a year or so ago she saw everything for what it is & she finally acknowledged the damage my parents have done & have decided to stop bring an enabler
My sister. She’s 43 and still doesn’t get it. She still thinks that our abusive father was right and our loving mother, who gave everything to us – was wrong. I got over her unreasonable anger and now I teach my mom to stop feeling guilty for “being weak” or for “not being enough”. Thank you for this conversation.
Thanks for sharing this Dr. Ramani. The “brainwashed child” in my life is my husband who thinks his narcissistic parent is “normal” and my family of origin is something akin to “toxic positive” because verbal and emotional abuse is not a part of our daily lives. Toxicity was such a normal part of his growing up years, that he sees that as normal. He can’t see that his parent is creating trouble in our lives now. I feel sorry for him, but I also see that there’s no way he’ll ever see the real truth.
I was the brainwashed child for years. It wasn’t until I went to rehab for my issues with addiction and then started going to regular therapy following the death of my non-narc parent that I started to recognize the family dysfunction and my role in it. When I started to come out of the fog I remember even telling sister that I felt like I had been brainwashed by my mom all of life. I definitely experienced a lot of anger and grief afterwards, but have finally reached a place of acceptance. It’s crazy to me how blind I was to the whole dynamic. I feel so incredibly grateful to have found the help that I did, because I can’t imagine what my life today would be like if I hadn’t. Love you and all the work you do to educate people, Dr. Ramani. ❤
Yep. Cult education helped me with this one. Helped to break the spell. They isolate their child & feed them a family story, the child does not know that what they’re in is not normal or healthy because it’s been repeatedly drummed into them during development & they have no external examples to compare to. Couple that with threats, trauma & trauma bonds, etc.
As an only child of a narc mom I was the brainwashed child for a long time. But when I realized that she forced me to marry my ex narc then rage at me when I told her about the abuse I went through after leaving my marriage, my eyes opened and now I know I hated my dad for absolutely nothing. This website has really helped me to build relationships with my dad and other healthy people in my life. Thank you Dr Ramani
I am a brainwashed child . At 35 I am just now figuring it out . My wife helped me & I am forever grateful . I struggle with grief but I am getting better everyday. Very thankful to find Dr Ramani’s website . Her articles have helped me greatly . My parents introduced me to drugs and alcohol at a young age . They belittled my sister & I often but luckily she escaped as a teenager & has done very well on her own . I stayed behind feeling guilty for my parents & feeling obligated to take care of them . I feel like I have wasted a large portion of my younger life, but excited to see what the future holds . Thank You for shining a light into my dark past & helping me understand why things happened the way they did for all these years .
I hope that you really understand how important what you are doing here on this website. For someone like me who is not just scapegoated since they were born and raised with feeling s like shame and guilt for not being “good enough”, but for not being able to admit such facts even to myself, dinging this website is like finding a beacon of hope in a very dark stormy night.. you literarily made healing a possible option to me.. god bless you for the amazing work you’re doing! 🙏
I was the brainwashed child but also a silent questioner. I would not have been able to come out of the wash had i have not seen Dr Ramani’s article. I shared with my dad, with disbelief (questioning), he understood it all. He was the one who was the scapegoat. Soon enough I shared the knowledge with my elder sister and protected my younger brother from parentification and emotional incest at the hands of my mother. I became the scapegoat but since my other family members knew the situation they were on my side (sister enabled still). I was not even 18 when I figured it last September but I feel proud to be able to give my 53 year old father his life back and reduce stop trauma of my siblings. I feel I gave some people the life they deserve! I’m recovering and its because of Dr Ramani! Keep the good work coming!
WOAH! Talk about timing. Yesterday, I had a very deep difficult realization. I so wanted to talk to my siblings about this, but they brain washed and Id recieve anger and denial. So, I just sat with the pain. Nothing else to do. Oh my heart hurt and hurts. In my family I see brain washedness on various levels. Out come is still the same. Im forbidden from bringing it up. Their defense? He/ she ” did the best they could…” End of discussion. This is a great topic. Until perusal this article I had no word for this. Thank YOU!
Thank you for tackling this particular dark mist too. “Brainwashed Child” is a great moniker for these souls. They are also very effective agents of chaos and pain perpetuation. They get in on the tug of war and go hard without really caring to understand why. Tug of war sucks… drop the rope and spend that precious energy elsewhere.
This is the article I needed to see. I experience this daily. My sons are basically brainwashed. I have sadly not helped the situation by breaking Down to relentless baiting. My boys jump to the defence of the Narcissist. I was literally told by one of my sons that if I did not enable the narcissist parent to trample on my boundaries I was a bad person and not facilitating a good relationship. I gave up a boundary in this situation. These catch 22s were passed on from the narcissist. It is truly soul destroying considering all the work I have devoted to my boys. I don’t regret that work, it just hurts badly when I am Called out for things they should never know or discuss.
I don’t know if I was “the” brained child, but I was very much so brainwashed. The reality of my life was extremely painful, but discovering it’s pathology made it more so. I knew it wasn’t right and was unhealthy but didn’t truly understand and grasp it until childhood trauma coming to the surface. And let me tell you, the grief is neverending. Grief for the what you knew, what you were unaware of, what you thought was true but wasn’t, the possibilities stolen, the childhood lost, the few cherished memories corrupted, and so on. Your understanding and perception of EVERYTHING changes. Life is shattered. You come to realize your life is the twilight zone. The impact of this realization and trying to make sense of it while being gaslit and shamed into silence truly makes a person lose their sanity for some time IMO, it’s that hardest part of growing up in this type of family.
Your articles really hit the spot. I was labeled the good child. My brother was labeled the bad kid. I hated it. I didn’t choose it. I tried to help him but he was always jealous anyway. It hurt both of us that our parents were the ducks they were. It put a wedge between us and it’s sad he had it even worse than I did but there was nothing I could do. We are just 12 months apart. I’m older. I love my brother but we stay estranged; he even says he hates me because I had it better than him. He doesn’t see it was horrible for me too.
I was the scapegoat married into a narcissist family. They really really believed the world is against them and their family is the perfectly perfect one in the universe. Could not changed them, could not awaken them to the reality. So happy I got out of this. Ppl life gets doomed with such ppl. Your articles are rly rly rly helpful, Dr Ramani. God bless you❤️
The whole thing you so nicely explained Dr.Ramani, is something I have experienced. This is so tough to watch. You can see how the brainwashed child keeps their child open to the narc parent and makes them also part of the cult. The brainwashed child I know has actually been brainwashed at a young age. As far as I know, the narc parent would say to the brainwashed child, “I am always correct. See what negative consequences you had to face because you didn’t follow me. I am always doing things for the good of others. I am like an oracle, God speaks through me. If you make me angry then watch out”. Even though I see it, I can’t do anything. I need to protect myself.
Your articles are incredibly helpful. UNLESS someone has been in a narcissistic family or relationship, it is difficult to understand what it involves and the severe trauma and psychological damage it causes (not to mention damage to friendships, marriages, financial health, etc.). Your insight is unmatched.
Dr Ramani described my entire family. My mother was a narcissist, my father was an enabler but generally liked by everyone inside and outside the family. My siblings I’ve seen always saying things about our father (RIP) in admiration and that’s fine but they don’t seem to realize I have never heard them praise our mother but stand together in the “we were a great and loving family” stance which is not true. They don’t seem to hear the words they never say about our mother who was domineering in the family .. the absence of that praise of her is very loud to me as I never hear it
Formerly brainwashed child here! I knew something was “different” about my mom when I was a kid and young adult but, didn’t know what. Once she was in Alzheimer’s care and lost her ability to speak, the fog started to lift. It’s been 3 years since she passed away and the work is real. Thanks to therapy, a supportive partner and Dr Ramani for speaking the truth, encouraging acceptance and guiding me, I am in a very different place. ❤️
This is EXACTLY the problem I have been going through with my 24-year-old (she’s an only child) for the past five years. She hasn’t spoken to me in that long because her EXTREMELY narcissistic mother has brainwashed her into being a flying monkey. She has also cut off EVERYONE on my side of the family. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
This describes my adult daughter to a T! She recently found out her scapegoat brother cut off contact with their narc father, because he told her! She called her brother & yelled & screamed at him, then yelled at me saying he’s angry, entitled & ungrateful. I tried not to get pulled into it. I knew I couldn’t say anything to her Dad because that would alienate her from me but I couldn’t agree with her about her brother. It was a very awkward & yucky situation all around & yes, lots of triangulation! I need to stay out of it & hope some day she can see him for what he is & not excuse his bad behavior as “Dad being Dad” Thank you for this article, it’s helpful to what I’m going through right now!
In my family the brainwashed one was my mum. It took 40 years for my mum to realise that her favourite “loving, well behaved” daughter was a narcissist. And her two “problem children” were the scapegoats. So all this went down after my mum had minor strokes and started to depend on her and could no longer help my sister out with her childcare situation. Now that my mum was of no use to her and had become a burden, her true colours came out and the devalue and discard phase set in towards my mum. I will never forget how my mum would call me sobbing and crying because she would make her feel so worthless. For the first tine in our lives my other scapegoated sister and I had a sit down with my mum and told her what we had gone through in our childhood and how we had been treated by her. And how she would always tell tales and lies to my mum but my mum would never believe us and we would get punished for stuff we didn’t do. Mum had no idea. Gave us some satisfaction though even though it took mum 40 years to realise.
I watch you almost daily! This is my fi5 comment. I had to tell you it is possible. I was completely brainwashed and I’m the scapegoat. My golden child sister died at 39. I’m 56 now and with yours and Quoras help, I’m figuring this all out. Mind completely blown! AAALLLLL my years of therapy, not 1 mention of narcissism! Most told me I should write a book. One told me I’d be a serial killer if I didn’t have such a big heart😳. I’ve learned more self educating myself. But… Here I sit with this knowledge.. Now what?
I am the adopted child and scapegoat that grew up in a family with a preacher and his Narcissistic wife who had 3 bio children that were brainwashed. I was the real life Cinderella who had to do everything in the house including care for additional foster children so they could have the money. I had far different parents than their bio children. I was even “homeschooled” in 4th-6th grades but no schooling could take place because I had kids to care for, laundry, dishes and house cleaning. At just 50 years old, it is incredibly hard to stop myself from making excuses for bad behaviors and to stop taking all of the blame in relationships. I’ve had an amazing therapist for 20+ years and I am still battling to not take responsibility for more than my part.
I’m in this with my kids…I’ve been hugely reluctant to listen to this article. Thinking of the destruction of the children whom were very close with me and each other, we were a tight unit enduring and supporting each other through the insanity and abuse together, but they were taken by the other parent, and now the past has been completely rewritten. My children are doing all of these. They knew the truth from their own experience now they deny it. They’ve gone through so much that they had no other choice but to give up or join with the “power”. It’s beyond heartbreaking. The wake up call I just realized is that this doesn’t end even when they become adults…it keeps going with the grand babies. The grief is indescribable and the hope for freedom is fleeting. I miss my children and the loving and healthy bonds we once had. Now we are all unrecognizable, myself included. Chaos, such chaos, with overwhelming amounts of unending grief.
I never thought in a million years my brainwashed sister would wake up. In fact, I thought she was equally as narcissistic as our mother. She woke up after having her own kids and realizing she didn’t have the tools to raise her kids the way she wanted. With therapy she is now setting boundaries with our mother….as the scapegoat it is fascinating to watch to be honest!! However in saying that I would neeevvvver expect someone like that to wake up….this was a fluke!!
GOOD MORNING DR RAMINI I WISH THAT I HAD START LISTENING TO YOU YEARS AGO YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING I WAS HORIBLY ABUSED BY A NARCISSTIS MY MOM.WAS A NARCISSTIS SHE TREATED ME SO CRUEL I BEGAN BEING IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN OVERT NARCISSTIS. IT WAS BRUTAL ABUSE. IM SO GRATEFUL FOR UR articleS DR RAMINI TY SO VERY MUCH..IM FINALLY GETTING HELP. WITH A LIFE COACH….
Thank you so very much, Dr. Ramani… heartbroken by the reality but comforted by the good, sound advice to both normal parents and siblings in how to navigate through a turbulent storm on a troubled sea that seems endless in it’s quest to claim the lives, health, wholeness, peace and joy of so many beautiful souls being tossed about… even after the death of a narcissistic parent.
Very informative. More people are perusal than you may realize. Crisis can force people to look at family differently than previously believed. All children, no matter the roles or labels, learn how to survive within family structures they did not solely create. So in that sense, whether scapegoat or brainwashed, every child is doing the best they can within the environment they depend.
Brainwashed child describes it perfectly! My eldest sister is the Brainwashed Child of my family and she did my narcist mother’s bidding for her till her death. She can’t and refuses to realize it and and make all kind of excuses for our mother and say she forgives here for her wrongdoings. She’s always been in denial but I also often wonder if she wasn’t as damaged and scared like I am?
Thank you for all the wisdom filled articles, Dr Ramani. My brother is a narcissist enabler of my narc father and at age 61 I have become enlightened that I need to walk away forever from both of them even though my father is elderly and just as toxic as he ever was. I was the battle scarred misunderstood damaged truth teller/scapegoat oldest child. I’ve been in therapy my whole adult life and almost lost my marriage to my Sweetheart, also a narc abuse survivor. Amen to all you said and have said. It was so powerful to tell my therapist this week that father and brother are now in the “unsafe” box in my mind, which is a no bs zone and the exit door. There can be no going back. To attend either of their funerals would be like savoring their toxicities and negating my personhood. They are truly out of my life forever and it feels so amazing! I catered to both of them for years and gaslit myself really hard. Ironically the “firing” of my brother happened after he took his mask off after my Mom (also a passive narc and bpd) passed away and he acted the same way my dad would about some minor infraction on my part and that’s when the light came on and I told him have a nice life. By the way, my father (divorced from my mother) couldn’t be bothered to attend her funeral or even help my brother and I move all of her stuff from her apartment, because she was a hoarder. I thought that maybe as a result of having to work together to bury my Mom on our own, that the trauma bond was a real brotherly reconciliation.
Thank you for this one. I now realize the issue with not just my sibling but also my aunts who have always treated me as ungrateful etc. One aunt was partly raised by my narcissistic parent. The other is my other parents sister. I am glad I realized young enough that not all relatives bought into it….until now I could not understand how any of them could have. Sadly even though that parent is deceased, I still don’t have my aunts or sibling. I had thought I might.
Dr. Ramani I appreciate you sharing your knowledge with the world. I may have stated this before but in case I did not. These are pearls of wisdom that you share with us daily. As an intuitive I could understand some of the dynamics of narcissism growing up. I just did not have the label or name as we call it today. Thank you for your goodness and awareness in humanity.🤔❤️
My younger sister is the brainwashed child. Master enabler, always having the perfect excuse/reasoning for mother’s behaviour. Long before I learnt about narcissistic mothers, I mentioned to my sister that “mother is so selfish, everything has to be about her”. She denied it. Next time we spoke she said “oh gosh you are so right, everything has to be about mother”. Her realisation didn’t last long, went straight back to being the enabler and a narcissist herself. I’ve massively reduced contact with both of them, haven’t talked to my sister for weeks. I grieve my family of origin, but I have my loving husband who is my real family now ❤️
You took the words right out of my mouth when you said “Pollyanna”. In our family, substitute the narcissistic parent for my older brother, since our narcissistic father abdicated his role in the family, in pursuit of his own pleasure. My younger sister fits this role perfectly, and if the brainwashed child is a ” High Mac”, then watch out! Thank you for confirming for me the role that this sibling has played in my life, that was so destructive. But remember, the narcissist is very skilled at getting others on their side. The brainwashed children are pre-disposed to this kind of thinking, so it’s easy for them to go along. I really don’t hold hope for my sister to change. I still have a long way to go in my healing process, as I frequently fantasize about her showing up at my doorstep and giving her a piece of my mind!
My NPD ex alienated me from my daughter and he brainwashed her. Then he had her emotionally blackmail my family, telling them that she will only see my side of the family as long as I’m not around, and my family hot rid of me for her. It’s been 16 years since I’ve been estranged from my daughter. The gaslighting and the distortions of reality is beyond comprehension. My daughter hates me and wants notinging to do with me. She’s 24 yrs old now. I missed out on 2/3 of her life. My narcissist sister, stepped in and took my place as mother in her life. I found a place of healing and peace in my life. All I can do is pray.
There is no golden child in our dynamic. It’s just me and my mom. I have a bad memory, which is why I tend to forget a lot of details about stuff that has happened or things my mother said to me. She has the “I’m your mom I can say anything and you shouldn’t feel insulted” kind of mentality so that’s fun. One day, a cousin studying abroad called, and me and my other cousins (who were living with me) could tell she was really homesick and depressed so we attended her call and sat together while we talked about anything and everything on speakers. My mistake? Prior to attending the phone call my mother had asked me to massage her feet. And I forgot because of the phone call. My mom fell asleep for a while and when she woke up, she saw that my cousins and I were laughing and that enraged her. She spilled out so much hate that day. Just yelling and shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs. “HOW DARE YOU GIVE MORE IMPORTANCE TO YOUR COUSIN THAN ME? I AM YOUR MOTHER! AND I TOLD YOU TO MASSAGE MY FEET!” Right in front of my cousins. The words she said to me that night….I didn’t want to forget them. But I knew I would. So once the storm was over, I wrote them down. I was in such a hurry, I was already starting to forget. Today I found the journal I’d written the words in as I had hidden it far away. She said: “You’re the worst from the three of them (refering to my autistic, non verbal siblings). YOU are the problem in my life, not them. I show everyone that you’re some kind of princess, I speak of your character and present you like a great personality in front of everyone else.
Both my daughters have succumbed to the brainwashing… haven’t spoken to them in almost 2 years 🙁 The things they said to me are heinous – obviously fed from their narc father. What really really hurts is that I raised them practically alone- he was always away working (rock star). We were so happy when he was out of town- we were so close. They were such great kids… now they are selfish, greedy, lying mirror images of him. I can attest that what you put into your children before age 7 disappears in this context
I was brainwashed as a child by my narc grandmother against my father. This was back in the days before “parental alienation” was a common term. When I started to believe the horrible things I was told & distance myself from my father, I started getting treated like the golden child for a brief period. For years, I lived with this lunacy & gaslighting while she had her enablers & flying monkeys. Then, I got away….and married a textbook narc! Fortunately, I got both out of my life decades ago.
Coming from someone that had been alienated from his 2 daughters for almost 15 years now, this makes me very sad to hear. Living without your children is like a living death. I can’t even begin to imagine what the pain is like for all the alienated children in the world, trying to make sense of this blatant child abuse. You never anticipate you could be in this position with your children, until it happens. It’s something that changes you forever.
I was brainwashed since childhood that I am mentally challenged and would not survive the world outside of my adoptive family. The adoptive parents have passed away (2013 and 2016) and yet, I’m still here. No state facility, hospital or extended family takes care of me 24/7 nor am I homeless. I must be doing something right.
My kids are these, because the narcissistic x uses money and manipulation.so they see the world as he does. They are now young adults but still see the narcissistic parent as perfect because he doesn’t ever correct the childrens behavior but rather please them all the time to keep them believing his lies. It is too painful to see how the kids turning out, lacking empathy etc…..
I was the brainwashed child. It took 50 years for me to see it, even though she was so mean to me(the scapegoat child). She led me to believe that it was all me, that I should be grateful for anything she did for me. I bought it. Until I was able to look at how she treated me and compared it to how I feel about and treat my children. It was a stark and very revealing vision.
You have just described my adult child perfectly! Her father (my ex-husband now) is a narcissistic of the worst kind and she believes anything and everything he tells her. It doesn’t matter what he does or what he says to her (he constantly criticizes her) he is the “good” parent and she will defend him. This is the most painful and heartbreaking thing for a mother to watch! I’m the one that gets treated badly, ignored, whatever is the order of the day, but despite all the bad things her father has done (and trust me, the list is long) he is a great dad! I don’t think she will ever see him for the type of person he really is, although she does say he is a narcissist and she does get mad at him for the bad things he does, but she always forgives him and goes right back for more! Thank you for explaining this and addressing this topic Dr. Ramani ~ It has helped me to understand I’m not crazy or a bad mother. I just have a “brainwashed” child that will probably never get the therapy she truly needs and see the light.
My husband is dealing with a brainwashed sister right now. He set some big boundaries with his mother last week and his sister texted him from his dad’s phone (pretending to be their father) shaming him with things like “how DARE you” and “you’re throwing your life away”. I was so proud of my husbands quick observation that it must be his sister because she’s done this before and because in her mind, setting a healthy boundary with their mom instead of just enabling her controlling behavior IS like throwing her life away. I would appreciate prayers for our family and wish all others dealing with brainwashed siblings or children the best of luck on your journey to healing.
This perfectly describes two siblings of mine. One is the golden child, the other is the savior child. They refuse to see what our mom truley is. My other sibling, the scapegoat, saw it, but is also a narcissit and malignant borderline, and I cut contact over 12 years ago. I’m the ignored invisible child, and continue to stay in that role because my other siblings think I’m a monster for “abandoning” the family.
Dr Romani, my step mom caused a division between me and my three younger siblings (all girls and all her daughters) my father married her when I was only one year old. And I wasn’t told she was not my birth mother until I was 15, (a really awful time to lay something like this on a child) but I kind of knew.. sensed all along that I was different and felt as a child “mommy didn’t love me”. Needless to say I grew up with a lot of confusion. My step mom was a good and faithful wife to my dad, but not necessarily a good mother to me. She had a personality that seemed to crave everyone seeing her as “the good person” in the marriage to my dad. (Dad had a temper, but a very caring and loving heart) but my step mom looked as if she was the “kind and sweet one” but could be very cold and distant. Her words and actions often tricked me into trusting her even long into adulthood.. while all the time she used my trust to further destroy (it seems to me) my relationship between me and my siblings. One of my sisters died.. the only one who seemed to have some compassion in me (I was always considered to be the “bad child” and this was ingrained into my mind. No matter how much I tried it was never good enough. It didn’t matter how my sisters behaved worse, I was still the “bad” one. I will be 70 years old next month and I’m still dealing with this. What has astounded me is how this affected my own children and how they feel about me. Sadly, due to a series of events, including a long term illness, she was able to gain control over the way my own adult children perceive me.
I was the scapegoat, I left home at 19. I realized what was going on few months ago . Till then I was trying to earn narc mom’s love . I was made to believe I was the problem . Her golden child, my sister always treated me horribly often with narc mom’s blessing . She always triangulated our relationship and I don’t even have one normal memory with sister. Now, GC is sinking in quick sand and I am living a healthy normal life. I feel bad for her because she spent maximum time with narc mom and she is quite narcissistic herself . She cannot see how mom groomed her to become her mini narc . She is not capable of having a normal relationship with anyone. She was raised rewarding manipulations and short cuts . Then again, I realize they are not my problem . Ps: The GC now hates narc mom and they are always fighting . They unite marvelously when it comes to me, the common enemy though !
This sounds like my sister. We’re twins and I always wished we could be friends. I can’t even begin to explain how devastating it was to watch our connection slip away as the years went on… heck maybe it wasn’t there to begin with. Now she’s a practically a narc. I’m told to wait it out but it’s really heartbreaking to watch her from a distance… she feels like a dead person walking.
My family role was unclear to me. First I thought I was the Golden Child. Later I realised it just wouldn’t fit the story. I wasn’t treated good. After that realization, I thought of myself as beeing the Invisible Child. But after this article I think I was the brainwashed one. Finally all aspects of my experience are included in a role. So as a person who supported a narc all the way, let me tell you that I feel so much guilt, sadness, and emptiness in my life. My whole world crashed when I woke up from the lies. My narc used me my entire life and I felt blessed having this person. It’s hard because I fought for nothing. I broke off relationships to other people to stay loyal to the narc. I thought of the narc as “my angle” and loved this person more than myself. Dr. Ramani was right. I only started to question the narcs behavior because the person wronged me so bad that I couldn’t go ahead. I got therapy. Moved. Untangled myself from the narc’s world. It takes a while but I’m free now. Wish you all the best. This website and community helps a lot. Thank you!
I should have never dated my son’s mother to start with. Stories of trauma on top of trauma, complaints about her past, problems with male authority, my only regret is having brought my child into this situation. Their mother took them in the separation. And between her, her family talking shii about me in front of my son, and her friends stirring the pot, I’ve lost relationship with my kid. It’s just something I have to deal with. And their mother don’t care.
My siblings were the brainwashed children. I was taught to be invisible as a VERY young child. I was not invited to family functions etc etc etc. all of my life. At 60ish I feel grateful for learning what a narcissist is. An unloved neglected child, unwanted is now attempting to love herself and feel worthwhile
I wish my sister would get it. She is a master enabler with my narcissistic mother, even excuses and promotes my mothers unentitled waste financially on her addictions & constantly makes excuses for her.it’s been a nightmare for decades.The very things that damaged us both ( narcissistic parent always putting herself first, neglecting even before our basic needs) it’s all over again.
Thanks for enlightening me! It just so happens my brainwashed child was the only child I had with his narc father. His father did his best to parentally alienate me when my child was very young so as to make it look like I was the crazy, can’t keep a job, not in the picture one. My heavenly Father saw it all and I gave it all to Him. Yes my son is a world class enabler who is also a psychologist and does not believe in narcissism. When I tried to have a dialogue with him about it, he refused to hear me out. So I’m done and if he wants to condone or deny the cruelty and abuse his father inflicted upon me, he’s going into the lake of fire along with his father. He was my baby and I loved him and had I known about narcissism back then, I would have taken him and escaped. Please pardon my rambling.
I think the saddest part about it all is how naive I was as a child. Every school project that asked us to write about our favorite person or our role models, I would always pick my mom. I thought she was my best friend. I would write about how much I loved her, how much I looked up to her. Every time we made something, like paper flowers or hearts, I made them for her. She was the biggest influence in my life and she completely took advantage of it. I have such bad depression and anxiety now that I barely leave my bed. I want to start therapy so badly but can’t even comfortably talk to my own roommates. I absolutely despise how my life has turned out, though I’ve barely started it. I feel like there’s nowhere I can go. Learning about all the things narcs do to a person just sends me in spirals of overthinking and getting nowhere. I wish this never happened to me. I wish my mom would have just loved me back. Crying at 7 a.m. is honestly a thrill
My younger brother was often the scapegoat when he was growing up. When we grew up and I started setting boundaries with our narcissistic father, he had an opportunity to step into the golden child role, and he happily took it. He acted as a flying monkey, he refused to hear anything negative about our dad and always had a excuse ready for him. After so many years of being pushed away, of course he jumped at the chance to be on our dads good side, and he will do whatever it takes to stay there
PLEASE do a article about the daughter-in-law role! My in laws are both narcissistic, with my mother-in-law being the scariest behavior, she’s the one who controls everyone. So now I’m seeing those same cruel and abusive behaviors he suffered from his mom, he’s doing to me….and his narcissistic mother makes it into a power struggle, that she has to win his heart, love and devotion and of course, he’s too emeshed and scared of her so as his wife I lose…. Daughter in law, married to a narcissist, with a narcissist mother in law. Help!!!!