Narcissistic parenting is a complex issue where a parent’s behavior is manipulated to maintain a balance in their family. This can lead to a cycle of neglect and abuse, with one child being the favorite and another being the scapegoat. The narcissist may use various tactics such as adultifying, infantilizing, and gaslighting to manipulate the situation.
The scapegoat is often chosen by the narcissistic parent because they remind them of their own behavior and actions. This can lead to a sense of not being loved or nourished, but the child may not understand that they are a scapegoat. The narcissist can point to their behavior and blame them for the issues.
Narcissistic parents often organize the entire family around their emotional needs, neglecting and scarring their children in distinct ways. In this type of abuse, it is common for parents to make one child the golden child while making another the family scapegoat. This can lead to a dysfunctional home environment where all blame is placed on the scapegoat to maintain equilibrium.
The scapegoated child is punished for not laughing when their parents do something obnoxious, showing them that they don’t have as much to hide. The narcissistic parent must embody what they cannot stand in themselves, often through negative projections from one or both parents. This ongoing devaluation of the scapegoat and conditional support of the Golden Child can lead to a lifelong pattern of devastating character assassination.
In conclusion, narcissistic parenting can be challenging for children, but it can also provide protection and help heal relationships. By understanding the complexities of narcissistic parenting and seeking help from therapy, children can better navigate the challenges they face and develop healthy relationships.
📹 How a narcissistic family gets a child to become the scapegoat
In today’s video, let’s dive deep into the complicated dynamics of narcissistic families and how they groom a child to become the …
How do narcissistic mothers harm their daughters?
Narcissistic mothers often engage in emotional abuse, criticizing and belittling their children, including their daughters, which can damage their self-esteem and emotional well-being. In families with multiple children, narcissistic mothers may rely on favoritism, choosing one child as the golden child and blaming the other for everything, which can negatively affect all children, regardless of their role in the family.
How does a narcissist parent react when they can t control you?
Narcissistic rage is an intense, aggressive reaction to a perceived threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth. It can manifest as sudden outbursts, passive-aggression, or vindictive behavior. If a narcissist feels their power is slipping away, they may launch verbal attacks, insults, and threats. In response, they may throw and break things or physically attack the person they are leaving the relationship with, as they perceive it as a challenge to their dominance.
How do narcissistic parents scapegoat?
Childhood scapegoats often hide their good qualities to avoid losing connections or being abused. The narcissistic parent wants the scapegoated child to believe they are as horrible as they are being told. If the child shows self-worth or self-possession, the narcissistic parent takes this as an affront to their authority. To avoid this outcome, scapegoated children develop self-defeating beliefs about themselves.
Sometimes, scapegoated children are more physically attractive than their narcissistic parent, which can roil the parent. As the child meets positive receptions for their looks outside the home, they may feel a deep sense of fear and confusion. The child may be particularly wary of the malignant narcissist catching wind of this.
One way to undo the threat posed by their good looks is to unconsciously distort one’s perception of the bodily self. An otherwise good-looking kid may decide that they are fat, have a big nose, have too many pimples, and have ugly hair. If the threat of reprisal is great enough from the narcissistic parent, the scapegoated child can take these distortions as brute facts of their existence.
The psychology profession calls this phenomenon Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), which can lead to the condition. Not everyone with BDD was scapegoated in their families of origin, but it is believed that it can lead to this condition.
How is the scapegoat child chosen?
Scapegoating is a term used to describe a child being blamed by a family due to their intelligence or appearance. This can have long-term impacts on a child’s life, and it can be both positive and negative. It can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and guilt over a child’s actions. It is important to recognize when to seek help and seek support when needed.
Kevin, a compassionate counselor in Frisco, Texas, offers compassionate counseling to help clients navigate life’s challenges with resilience and understanding. Kristen Fuller, MD, a physician with experience in adult, adolescent, and OB/GYN medicine, focuses on mood disorders, eating disorders, substance use disorders, and reducing stigma associated with mental health.
How do you outsmart a narcissistic parent?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder that can be diagnosed and treated by a qualified professional. It involves arrogance, entitlement, selfishness, and unempathy. To outsmart a narcissist, it is essential to separate yourself from the person, take time to heal, take responsibility for your part in a conflict, react with empathy and respect, remain calm and unaffected, disengage from their conversations, set and enforce clear boundaries, and keep your intentions and goals to yourself.
Narcissistic supply is a psychological term for the constant gratification narcissists need, which can be achieved through showing off, ignoring boundaries, or being extra negative. To cut off this supply, you can separate yourself as much as possible, such as giving yourself “me-time” instead of being constantly available for a narcissistic partner, preventing a narcissistic ex-spouse from getting a bigger payout during divorce proceedings, blocking a narcissistic parent’s phone number, and putting in 100 effort each day when working for a narcissistic boss.
Who suffers more the scapegoat or the golden child?
The individual who has been subjected to lifelong ridicule, neglect, rejection, and criticism experiences the most significant distress as an adult. Such individuals are often characterized by feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and self-hatred, accompanied by a sense of being unloved and burdened. This phenomenon is frequently referred to as the “lost child” phenomenon.
Which child is usually the scapegoat?
The decision to scapegoat a child is often rooted in dysfunction, as a child with certain qualities may be perceived as a threat by a parent lacking these qualities. This behavior can also be a form of projection, where parents mistreat children who resemble or remind them of their ex-partners. Only children of dysfunctional and abusive parents report being the golden child or scapegoat, indicating the troubled nature of the parents who engage in this behavior.
How is the scapegoat chosen?
Scapegoating is a term used to describe a child being blamed by a family due to their intelligence or appearance. This can have long-term impacts on a child’s life, and it can be both positive and negative. It can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and guilt over a child’s actions. It is important to recognize when to seek help and seek support when needed.
Kevin, a compassionate counselor in Frisco, Texas, offers compassionate counseling to help clients navigate life’s challenges with resilience and understanding. Kristen Fuller, MD, a physician with experience in adult, adolescent, and OB/GYN medicine, focuses on mood disorders, eating disorders, substance use disorders, and reducing stigma associated with mental health.
How to destroy a narcissistic parent?
Living with a narcissistic mother can be challenging due to their self-absorbed nature and tendency to see their children as extensions of themselves. Children may feel unheard, unknown, and used by their narcissistic parent. To manage the relationship, it is essential to set healthy boundaries, stay calm, and plan responses. If the mother is self-absorbed, it is crucial to let go, seek help, and step away. Anju Chandy, a musician in Indianapolis, left her home for college far away after years of frustration and arguments, deciding to forge a path away from her influence and control.
How narcissistic parents damage their children?
Narcissists often lack responsive caretaking skills and caregiving abilities, often neglecting the child’s needs and uniqueness. This insensitivity hinders the child’s development, leading to low self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness. Risks to the child’s development include emotional hunger, limited trust, low self-worth, and immaturity.
Narcissistic parents are also known for their low frustration tolerance, often unable to tolerate normal stage-related “bad” behavior. They are prone to harsh responses to the child, believing that bad behavior will reflect poorly on them, threatening their grandiose self-concept. This low frustration tolerance leads to dysregulation in the child and immature coping skills, such as perfectionism, tantrums, anxiety, and withdrawal.
Why is the scapegoat so strong?
The concept of psychological strength is often a surprise to scapegoat survivors who have had to come to terms with their deficiency and defectiveness in relation to their narcissistic parent. This strength can be a source of comfort and strength, especially when a therapist reveals that the survivor is psychologically stronger than the parent. This concept is particularly evident in the book and TV series The Handmaid’s Tale, where the main character, June, is a handmaid who is forced to bear the husband’s children under the watch of a narcissistic wife.
The wife devalues and controls June, making her a scapegoat. However, it is evident that June is psychologically stronger than the wife, as she demonstrated her strength in finding a way to survive the abuse.
In this blog, the author explains that being more powerful does not necessarily mean being stronger. Four reasons why a scapegoat child is psychologically stronger than a narcissistic parent include being more psychologically flexible, emotionally mature, truth-focused, and empathic. By the end of the post, the author hopes that readers can identify how they exhibited strength in their own upbringing.
📹 What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
I remember my parents and grandparents always picking on me for something. It usually was about my weight, manners, picking my scabs, how I didn’t do enough around the house, etc. The funny thing was outside the house other adults/peers really liked me. I was funny, had good grades, worked a after-school job, was a good friend. Family can make you feel really bad about yourself.
The parent creates the scapegoat role once the child unwittingly reveals themselves as a threat. The child’s natural instincts, intelligence and foresight would be embraced by a “good enough” parent. The opposite happens with a narcissist parent. The child becomes an unwilling adversary because the adult, their parent, has recognized the child can make independent decisions, is not easily persuaded and worst of all can influence other people like siblings to reject the parent’s closed system of abuse. The parent also observes natural talents the child has and discourages them in the form of mockery that’s rooted in envy. The child finds ways to develop talents in spite of the parent consistently sabotaging them. This is why the narcissistic parent rages or covertly sabotages those times when the scapegoat is honored for their achievements. The achievement is a tangible thing that proves the child is not the loser the parent attempted to manufacture at home. They never stop. Even when you go no contact the parent still controls your image from afar with lies they’ve manufactured to explain away why you rejected them and their abuse.
Narcissists make you hate your own life. I remember as a child I couldn’t wait the next day coming cause I was so excited about everything. After narcissistic abuse I turned 180 degrees opposite. And it’s funny that even if nothing really traumatic happens, I still can’t enjoy my life. I can’t enjoy interactions with people, cause my nervous system sees them as potential threat. So far it takes me 2 years of research and healing to fully grasp how much it affected me, even I didn’t want to admit it, cause I always had to be “strong”, no time for self pity.
I was the truth teller growing up and was the family scapegoat. I escaped and walked away and that triggered rage in my narc mother and family. I cut all of them off and didn’t go back because they are bullies and abusers. They hate me now because I can stand and tell them NO and put boundaries on them especially my narc mother. She hates that she can’t control me and I am my own person. Ive grown stronger and still growing stronger everyday and I escaped as the scapegoat and I am educated by all this articles on YouTube
Scapegoats are critical thinkers they usually speak up and prepare for the beat down or die for what they beleive in.they not sheep as its being protrayed.hence why narcs double their efforts to ultimately destroy your life career relationship self esteem.they guilt me for not serving them even in adulthood.thx Jay ❤
As a survivor-scapegoated child, I am glad to see articles like this helping others. I grew up in the 1960s before the idea of narcissistic parents was in the ether. My narc mother’s uneven parenting was extremely upsetting to me as a child, creating serious C-PTSD issues. She often gritted her teeth and me and told me I was the reason our family was poor. (Only when my dad and others weren’t around, the rest of the time she pretended to care.) She blamed me for all her problems while showering affection on my younger sister. Fortunately, my dad and grandmother were there for me, so the impact wasn’t as severe as it could have been. My mother was uneducated with poor grammar and other habits that embarrassed my dad, sister, and me. I retaliated by getting my law degree, becoming an advocate for families, and leading a happy life surrounded by people who support me. As adults, my sister and I have worked toward healing the damage created by our narc mother. It has taken years and years, and sometimes her old toxic messages come back, but I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s. My message is NEVER GIVE UP ON HEALING YOURSELF. We are stronger than we realize.
The scapegoat child receives the brunt of the narcissistic parent’s rage. The narcissistic parent projects the undesirable traits of their true self onto the scapegoat child. The scapegoat child who remains silent when witnessing a sibling receive preferential treatment wards off an attack from the narcissistic parent. Speaking up about general unfair treatment means the scapegoat child receives a gaslighting and invalidating response that the unfair treatment is not happening. Speaking up about specific unfair treatment means being triangulated with siblings and made to feel inadequate or “second class.” The narcissistic parent will use blame-shifting to justify their unfair treatment of the scapegoat child. The narcissistic parent will play the victim and smear the scapegoat child as unjustly attacking them to the enabler parent and siblings, who will not have empathy for the scapegoat child and rush to defend the narcissistic parent against the scapegoat child. The scapegoat child learns by experience that there is nothing they can say or do to change this dynamic within their family. The scapegoat child internalizes the identity which has been foist upon them by their family of origin and feels on some level that they are “less than.” The scapegoat child becomes demoralized and lacks confidence in their abilities, perceptions and decisions. Despite their best efforts, they cannot make their family see what is happening and treat them with the respect and fairness they deserve.
Attacks on the character, yes, the ONLY way to be a member of my family would be to just submit to my mum’s narrative that I’m paranoid, sensitive, angry, detached from reality, entitled, insane……… If I can do all of that and apologise to her for standing up for myself, then I can be in the family. no thank you.
When I was a lot younger, I found that my narc family attacked me a lot less less when I pretended to be a “bumbling idiot” that they needed to “fix.” I didn’t do this haphazardly–It was more-or-less a last resort in order to exist among them. They felt less threatened and thus felt a sense of superiority over me. Of course this “persona” as a survival tactic wasn’t ideal because I began to internalize this “bumbling” identity. It was a very difficult, demoralizing time in my life. Going NC was the only answer and then I went on to being only authentic and thriving.. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Also, the aspect that is not often talked about, is that when you are scapegoated/victimized in one situation, the chances of being abused again grow rapidly. The abuser takes your power and use it to empower themselves. That’s why, arrogant, rude people are so confident – their confidence is all trauma they caused other people. While you feel disempowered and people sense it in your body language etc. But it’s not because the abuser is strong and you weak. They simply feed off the trauma they caused you. Protecting boundaries is the key for me, cause I finally feel I am able to protect myself, while most of life I felt like prey, helpless child at mercy of big, powerful people. But I had to learn, what fawn response it, bc whenever I wanted to keep boundaries with certain people, the fawn response caused me to quit.
I was the family scapegoat growing up. In the 90’s we went to a family counseling session and after hearing everyone, the counselor told my mom and step-dad that they had made me the “family savior”. I was only 15 and had no clue what was really happening but i did know that what he said was right. My parents got pissed and said he was full of crap and just didn’t know how bad I was. We never went to a family counselor again lol.
I always knew something was terribly wrong with ME… or I thought there was something wrong with me until I became educated on what was really going on. Bullied by my family even into adulthood. My golden child older sister could do no wrong, and I could do no right. Chilling! Everything was always my fault ! I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t have a conversation. I would be attacked verbally and demeaned and told to be quiet. This was well into adulthood. When I defended myself my mother would call other siblings and play victim and fabricate the truth lie about this terrible thing I did, when all I did was defend myself. This went on well into my late 30’s. Maybe two yrs ago I figured out what has been going on. It’s a horrific realization.
This is why a lot of scapegoats’ families, or the facade of the ”family” FALLS APART when they are partially healed from the indoctrination. My mother hates that I’m strong enough to stand in my own corner now. She is never going to admit it, but she expected me to give up and back down like I had done my whole life but when I stood firm in my own interpretation of events, I was ostracised for good, as well as the usual, shamed, blamed, manipulated… She wouldn’t talk to me but yet I was still blamed for the estrangement., She sporadically tried to summons me back to heel (but making it clear there would be no discussion).
I’m 48 and have been the scapegoat child since the age of 16. Nothing I do has been good enough and I’m pretty much blamed for everything. The more successful/happy I became, the worse my situation. My older sister is the golden child and can do no wrong even though her life is completely dysfunctional. She lies, steals, manipulates, embellishes and bullies and yet I’m the one on the outer. I went to the Olympics in my teens and even getting a silver and a bronze wasn’t good enough. I married my childhood sweetheart when I was 22 and because his parents had more money than mine did, his whole family were put on my parent’s sh*t list. I’ve just gone no contact in the last 6 months and the level of emotional abuse has been off the charts. I didn’t know what unconditional love was until I had my own kids and realised that my mum’s ‘love’ was very conditional. I have anxiety because of the situation but now understand that the majority of my life has been surrounded by covert and grandiose narcissists and I have purely been the victim of their own feelings of negative self worth. MY CURRENT GOAL: to be emotional stronger and not let them into my space
I knew something was off and wrong with my parents’ treatment of me very early on but had no idea how deep and far this kind of abuse has impacted every aspect within my life until recently. Finally, within the last couple months, I started to implement boundaries. Every time I dared impose protection for myself and self love until now, I was berated and guilted. The pain of thinking I was doing something selfish and hurtful to another person made me quit protecting myself. I have learned that the ONLY way to a peaceful life is to put my needs ahead of others and create a SAFE distance between me and them. I am giving myself the love I didn’t get as a kid and am so incredibly grateful to people like you for helping guide me along my journey. Jay Reid, you are saving my life. THANK YOU!!
My narcissist mother and my narcissist siblings stole my part of the inheritance I got from my dad. And they are surprised I have a problem with it and want to go to court with them. They say I never had the rights to get my part of the inheritance because I (suddenly) do not belong to the family and that I am just totally crazy and belong in a institution. They stole 1,5 million dollars from me and are surprised that this will have consequences for them. These people and their actions and the way they think is unbelievable!
I get lots of Therapy when I NEED it here on YouTube. This is a wonderful experience and I’m so glad I didn’t off myself 6 years ago..If you can’t afford a great Therapist, Jay Reid and a couple of other EXPERTS have taught me more than 40 years of counseling and Therapy. Now I KNOW what makes me tick and WHY! Thanks Jay Reid!
This was a sizzling article. I’m 64yo, and I knew at a deep level that my mother was troubled from an early age, but until recently, blind to how she affected me, and how I responded to those pressures. Thanks Jay. I am interested in sibling dynamics in Narcissistic Families. I felt a deep loyalty to my siblings, and ended up defending them to my mother. This put me openly at odds with my mother, and only now realizing that they had as much contempt and distain for me that my mother did.
I spent sooooo many years trying to fix what was wrong with me and address why I never seemed to be able to get my life and relationships together, FINALLY I have come to realize where all of my misguided thinking had come from and why I always “attracted” manipulative users as friends and partners! I feel so much like a blindfold has been removed or a missing gear has been replaced and everything has clicked, I can see the behavior so much more clearly for what it is. All of this is to point out how completely and continuous this training can be, how the entire family system joins in on this training to brainwash and manipulate the scapegoat as time goes on.
The only attention I got at home was negative attention. I used humor to deal with it. As I heal, I realized that though I made them humorous, the intent from my biological parents was not to make me laugh and give me content, but it was to crush my self esteem. The reason I tolerated subtle jabs from people. People making demeaning and just rude statements about me, is because I thought it was funny. However, the kinder and kinder I speak to myself, the more I realise how unhealthy it was
You know you’ve been a scapegoat when it’s painful to listen to this. For me it was physically painful when I reacted against being a scapegoat. However, I grew bigger and taller than them and I could see through the fog. I had low expectations from life and I was cynical and skeptical on just about everything. What I didn’t know was that it made me a bit wiser, low expectations means that you can be pleasantly surprised and you appreciate nice or kind acts. It also means that you take nothing at face value, less likely to be conned, tricked or even join a cult.
Yes, yes, yes! I was the scapegoat for my narcissist mother, then married a narcissist. Now as a 75 year old widow, I finally know that I have, in a sense, lived my life in an insane asylum, but was too gaslighted and brainwashed to realize that I was not the problem; instead my caregivers were pathological. Will check out your book. Am new to this website, but will now be a loyal subscriber. Thank you THIS much.
I was the scapegoat child because i had adhd and autism. I didn’t know i had adhd and autism when i was younger. I was always over sensitive and emotional unstable and had meltdowns. When my narcissistic mother would put me down my sister’s would agree and love to join in to get my mothers attention. My siblings would always tell on me and loved nothing better than to gang up on me. And my mother would often hit me. I became a people pleaser and very empathetic. I would always self sabotage and let people be horrible to me until my early 30s. I had to realize a lot of people are only thinking about themselves. And a lot of people need to act superior to boost their self esteem. After a lot of healing by just perusal YouTube articles on CBT and DBT therapy articles. I no longer care what people say or do. If people show disrespect they lack respect. Its best to ignore drama so we can feel calmer. Its best to keep calm and carry on and stay strong.😮
At home, I couldn’t use other bedrooms except for my own bedroom. Also my bedroom didn’t have a lock, other bedrooms did. I couldn’t sit on the sofa with my feet on the sofa. Others could do that. I wouldn’t be given any money by my money when she won in gambling. I wouldn’t be invited to any family events. It was traumatic because it felt like I wasn’t wanted. Unless it was going to raise eyebrows from other extended family members i.e if there was a funeral or we had to go visit my father’s side of the family and go play “Happy Family” It’s now 1 year No contact to forever. That part of my life is over.
They kept me dependent, enabled, coddled, and ineffective in the world professionally, socially, and financially while in return I “paid them back” or “earned my keep” so to speak by acting like I had mental illness and was inherently defective and broken. But I got disowned by my family and thrown out on the street homeless once I started to reject my “role” and started flipping accusations around on them as abusive mentally unstable people. Ooh they did NOT like that!
“false sense of security and suddenly pounced upon”…yep that sounds about right. The word indoctrinated was used, so fitting. I was taught don’t trust anyone else, but trust them more than myself. Also, I have been wondering why I feel like everything is about me, but I deserve so much less than others? Like it’s all about me, but not in a good way. Or, if it was in a good way, it was at someone else’s expense. I am finally recognizing that my parents were so focused on me to make sure I wasn’t doing anything that seemed selfish.. During family vacations it was all about letting me know I am spending too much time in the bathroom. But I was also focused on to brag about around my cousins. So I grew up expecting attention to be on me, but I always had to prove I had the right to have whatever I got, or to apologize for my shortcomings. Feeling like all the attention on me feels narcissistic, so it just makes me want to prove to others it’s not all about me. Now, I’m learning that putting myself first and seeing myself as deserving is different than thinking everyone is perusal my every move.
The less attention I got from that parent was blissful because it was never positive. Almost escaped in grade 8 when a guidance counsellor tried to help stop that parent’s physical abuse. My parent slammed the door in her face, then slammed my face with a fist. A couple years later I raised my fist screaming, “Go ahead, you’re getting one back!” It stopped the hitting, but I got lots of guilt trips for “threatening to punch my …” (Parent triangulated everyone from me that they could. At almost 50 now, most family friends only know my brother exists.)
This is what transpired as soon as our Dad was killed. I was very loudly and aggressively reminded/told by the “mother” and her eldest children that: “you’ve had EVERYTHING. You’ve got no idea what it means to suffer..” and similar narratives that every teenager wants to hear when they’ve just buried their Dad 😒 You are right in that the narcissistic mom persistently attempts to “pathologize” the views and life choices of the children if those views are not aligned with hers. These type of parents have deep rooted issues of self-loathing which they project onto everyone who enables the dysfunctional conduct. Good riddance to them ✅
This article is so spot on. I remember being aware at a very young age, of my brother’s “special-ness.” I can still remember the moment. So many of our family dinners were spent making fun of me and my body…at a very vulnerable age. Usually my mom and brother were the ones poking fun at how I looked. My dad was pretty silent. I allowed myself to be the butt of jokes just to be included in the conversation. I can also relate to them drawing you near over something being wrong. It is so weird to look back at all of this, now that I am older. It has taken me a lifetime of work to try and feel better about myself. Your articles are so helpful and explain SO MUCH! Thank you!
After having my own children it made me realise just how much of a narcissist my father was. I have always encouraged my children or helped them in any way I can to achieve their goals. How can you not do this if you love your children so much. I wanted my children to have everything I didnt. I didnt ‘wet nurse’ them & showed them they had to do their bit too & then massively praised them when they reached those goals…instead of saying ‘you wouldnt have managed without me’, just as my father would have.
Wow! I am a scapegoat, but when I moved out, I started to behave more like myself. I started to become a manager, and a top performer in the top 10 pharmaceutical companies. only Other jealous people, tried to put me down. This article explains so much and why I have low self esteem, low confidence, and a miserable life after I moved back home to care of my parents. My siblings still discount my value. I was called a “liability” by my one still alive brother. I have gotten immune to be alone. Not lonely any more. Also explains other actions that I do.
Jay, Your articles are SO helpful and also the viewers comments are spot on about the effects of being scapegoated. My mother was horrible at using my suffering to give her “power”. I was so unaware that she would be talking smack about me behind my back to EVERYONE else. It took me years to figure out why people around me treated me rudely or with indifference because they bought the lies my mom told them about me. I am 67 now and have recovered a lot, but still am learning and still recovering from a lifetime of abuse from my parents and other people. Thank you Jay and the commenters for your valuable insight! 🙂
I was constantly villainized by my mom every time I showed anger, sadness or any negative emotion that her hurtful comments would cause. Then after gaslighting and villainizing me for having the nerve to feel hurt (too sensitive, I misunderstood her, she didn’t say that, etc) she would give me the silent treatment for days. I was always forced by my dad to “make it right” (he would accuse me of being selfish thinking it was always about me) by apologizing, validating her feelings and listening to her until she felt better, I was forced into being her therapist from the time I was 10 on. I always resented the fact that they forced me to first be the villain, than forced to be the understanding and forgiving one, while taking complete blame for everything. Their narrative was a revolving door of batshit crazy and caused my trauma split (age 6), fragmented and dissociative identity disordered mind (developed after trauma splitting, I very maturely decided at age 6 that I would change who I was so they wouldn’t have any reason to hurt me anymore…it did not work). I also remember her hyper critical, hurtful comments felt like whiplash, every single time. My brother was also extremely abusive and a vulnerable narcissist. His abuse was just pure hate and maliciousness though.
My mother was a beautiful ” it” girl who resented my youth and looks..she and my father would lap up the compliments about me, but at home I was beaten with a riding stick and slapped, mocked and treated as an unwanted intruder by my two, in cahoots with eachother and favoured siblings. Good news, have a happy adult life and great career. Went no contact finally after I realised my success made the narc angry…she just couldn’t adjust to the fact I hadn’t realised her worst predictions.
Thanks for the validation. Yes, you feel closer to your parents when you accept their scapegoating, that something is wrong with you or take on what they emotionally throw at you. It is the only thing you do that they approve of. It is the only way you ‘fit’ in your family. It makes me sick, but it is so true you accept the scapegoating to earn your parent’s approval.
When I was in the 4th grade, my teacher asked me to look up the word, “indifferent”. I was shocked that she would think that of me. I struggled with abuse and poor health, and we moved 4 times by the time I was in 4th grade. I was terrified at school and at home, & adopted a dissociative freeze response. It certainly wasn’t indifference.
This article just brought back so many feelings I thought id long forgotten. Started working at 11 myself, had to buy my own cars (my brother was bought multiple cars), I forgot about how I used to hope to get sick or even injured so my mom would pay attention to me, when I had acne she’d lose her mind and shame me like it wasn’t just part of growing. Once forced me out of my sleep just to wash my face. I was extremely anxious that day and had popped all my pimples so I had scars on my face and a couple open wounds I guess. She raged over it them forced me to use a cleanser that burned on regular skin. She kept demanding I tell her how much it hurt. By that point I had learned not to protest so I said it didn’t hurt. It did a lot, me saying it didn’t made her mad so then she started washing my face forcefully with more of the stuff that was already hurting me. Never paid for any of my interests,I had to do that, however my brother got whatever he wanted all while failing full grades at school, getting fired constantly, getting suspended regularly in school and never really achieving anything but somehow I needed to be more like him. I was in beta club(not sure that still exists)but it was an academic club set aside for higher GPAs. Teachers always loved me, employers always loved me. Everybody loved me except my mother, I never understood till I went to therapy. I’m now no contact and my life is 100% better.
Jay, Thank you for an excellent article. Your examples really helped me realise once again that I was the scapegoat, I protested the injustice but was shamed and carried so much guilt for over half a century. This is what I inherited and unfortunately inadvertently passed onto my children. Happily we have been or are in therapy but the damage is deep and soul crushingly painful. 💔😥
My mother made me the scapegoat because I looked like my fathers mother, who she despised. Because of that, she put all of her hated from my grandmother on me. My grandmother wasn’t a terrible person but she had a really dark past and that past was put on me as well. My mother would tell people I was a liar or on drugs or a thief, all when I was just a child…and of course none of that was true. I was a quiet, imaginative child who kept to myself. She then got everyone to believe there was something fundamentally wrong with me, something only she could see. If my baby sister talked back, my bedroom door would get kicked in because she “learned it from me” and it was my fault. When my mom started showing signs of aging, my father told me I stole my mother’s beauty and her sagging skin was my fault. When I started acting out and rebelling against this as I got older, it was confirmation to her and everyone around her that I was a piece of crap and damaged. I believed this too for many years and have been in and out of psych wards and addiction. I’ve since healed, thanks to therapy and articles like these. There are so many families like these, I wish there would be more education with healthcare providers and educators so these kids can get support. ❤
I can’t believe how spot on all this was for how my life has been. Everything he said basically happened to me. I remember when I was a kid my mom would tell me how since my birthday was so close to Christmas that I wasn’t going to get many gifts for my birthday. Id get about a couple presents. But when it came to my brother’s birthdays they would get all sorts of gifts and they would have a big party. I was always told I was selfish or inconsiderate. None of this ever made sense to me as I always loved my family and in my heart I know I never took anything for granted.
It gave me social anxiety, depression and fear of conflict. I can’t make myself go to the doctors to get diagnosed for social anxiety, but I know I have it. I need help, but every time I am on my way to the doctor, I become so anxious that I have to go back home. I am unable to cry in front of anyone. But in the eyes of other people, I am a strong independent woman, that is kind to everyone and is cheerful often.
This explanation is so very important for those healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse to lift that sense of guilt, shame, and blame that survivors of this abuse experience. When I listened to this I could see how this happened in my childhood and make sense of it all. And in addition, it’s also helping me understand what my teenage son is experiencing with his father, my ex-spouse. I can be more helpful as a positive healthy parent who can support him by understanding this dynamic so I can take better care of him and myself. Parenting with a narcissistic ex-spouse is a challenge so I truly appreciate all of your support in making these articles accessible to us. Knowledge and understanding is empowering, thank you for all you do! 💜🙏
I’m the scapegoat of the family. Now, I understand the trauma I’ve experienced throughout life. Even now at 53 with my own daughter and granddaughter, I realized that my family has always been toxic. My mom has had so much control over me. Recently, my mom betrayed me and broke my heart deeply. So much so that when she’s around me, I get physically sick. I start feeling nauseous and my head hurts. It’s the same thing with my niece, who happens to be my mom’s favorite. Now, I’m understanding why I am the way I am. I now understand why I have PTSD, major depression and anxiety, plus bulimia. I will definitely read your book.
In my experience, as a child I was made to feel like something was wrong with my brain. When I was yelled at, there was a lot of pointing and asking ‘is that normal’ ‘normal people don’t do that’ and ‘what are you thinking’ with disgust. I thought other people were born with all facts and knowledge in their brain already. I worried what was wrong with me. And I was upset that other kids did the ‘right’ things and looked free to laugh, play, cry, etc without getting in trouble or getting yelled at etc. So much like cult-like tactics, I ended up believing or internalizing the things my parents would tell me. That is how I ended up getting programmed to identify as a scapegoat and have core beliefs that were hurtful. I liked going to school because it was a safe place for me and my teachers saw me as sweet. I then became an overachiever in school, I was probably looking for that love and attention from teachers, but also wanted to be independent and have a better future. At the same time, I developed bad anxiety that I would try to cover up or it would come out as aggression in certain ways (ex. Getting very wound up if I missed homework or got something wrong on a worksheet, and studying harder, running until I felt numb etc and I beat myself up about not being ‘better’). I ended up being an honor student but definitely struggled with feeling like I had this ‘secret’ that I had this ‘messed up’ brain. I grew up with a fear of teachers and adults as well because I feared that behind closed doors, I could not trust anyone, and that everyone was trying to crush me inside.
I got straight A’s but couldn’t get a pat on the back for my accomplishments. When I received a 4 year scholarship and used her phone to call my out of state dad to see if he could spot me 100$ a month for necessities, my mom stomped off with her golden child and screamed that I was stupid for refusing it just because he said no, even though it was the furthest thing from my mind- I intended to accept anyway, but she had destroyed the letter from the college by the next day.
Thank you for these articles. I’d like to hear about the side effects of recovery, when you attempt to find safe people and places and how diffficult it can be. Being met with toxic positivity, and people who even have experienced narc abuse themselves will even try to convince you, that your narc parents love you after you tell your traumatic story. It’s either victim blaming, and still no comprehension of how telling an abuse victim their parent still loves them while abusing them. How you have no choice but to shut down, the isolation of this experience, how even intellectually you know something is wrong, but the process of actually getting support is exhausting. Especially if you’re going through a rough time and can’t afford therapy at the moment…. How debilitating it can feel to be made to take care of everyone your entire life, be there for them in anyway, how you neglect yourself in the process, and they feed you lies that you can’t take care of yourself. How can I not when I’m goaded to be there for everyone else? And when I need a smidge of support I’m not only verbally accosted but kick me when I’m down. It’s very frustrating when I hear, they love you, we know you want to reconcile with your family….I’m sorry what part of my family hates me do you not understand?? Also maybe the hard part of being spiritual and having a relationship with God, but feeling like not even God hears you most days. The lack of patience with everything. Being fed up, and sad. Just wanting to lie around to comfort yourself, then feeling guilty.
Thank you this was so helpful. I love they way that you are very specific in your explanations. Your content is unique and is truly helpful. ♥️ Another thought about family scapegoat: the others siblings are conditioned to believe the parent’s lies/distortions and treat you the same. The whole group/system is against you. It’s weird, even as an adult, they have no idea/interest/clue who you are.
Holy shit. Could it actually be possible that I didn’t have bad asthma, and or continued headaches and sinus problems? 🤔. The special boy that was always sick, who ended up at my grandparents literally “all the time”. I do know that at what ever chance I’d go to my grandparents after school. But also, the moment I hit high school, I ended up under my best mates wing and ended up spending all my damn time over there. And/or in my room playing guitar. It is truly fascinating stuff, having some form of framework to use to look back upon these things. Thanks man 💪
One Christmas my parents bought my brother a computer and I got a bag. Later my mother gave my deceased father’s car to my brother – a mercedes – and I got nothing. When I protested against this constant unfairness – and I finally could now that angry bully was gone – she exploded, insulted me ceaselessly in front of my children and phoned everyone we knew up and said I was bitter and jealous and in need of psychiatric help.
Okay, I just discovered your website and you’re scaring me lol; it’s like you’ve had my family’s house wiretapped for years and watched my whole childhood. These examples you gave describe my childhood almost verbatim. It’s crazy how similar narcissistic parents are, but also weirdly comforting to me to know I wasn’t alone and that there was nothing wrong with me. But at the same time it’s sad to know so many people have had to suffer as scapegoated kids. Thanks for these articles; your insight is so interesting and spot on!
This article raises a question – what is the difference between a narcissistic parent who wants to hurt you, and one who hurts you because they grew up thinking that ‘kids are too much’ ‘ criticising helps improving’. I know I am the scapegoat but I struggle with putting the responsability on the parents as they didn”t know any better and don’t have the capacity for reflextion nor the ability/ energy / will to change. I have a hard time deciding on my attitude as they are sometimes randomly attuned but often hurting me emotionally.
Yes .. spot on. I had suspected my mother (deceased) of being a full on covert narcissist for a number of years. Then I lived with my 2nd oldest brother, of 4 brothers & 2 sisters, for 2 years and the intensity of the psychological & emotional abuse was ratcheted up over time with intimidation, bullying, cruel sarcasm and ‘jokes’ and a plethora of other highly toxic behaviors until I had to get away to preserve what was left of my psyche despite my greyrocking the hell out of him ( no way, it lives with delight in him) .. then I saw throughout all of my siblings a bond among them that excluded me with even ‘trauma stealing” by a sister as I had trauma in my youth .. it’s like I see thru all the family dynamic now but am in a peaceful place now healing as much as possible the last 10 weeks
My dad was super abusive. I knew that much, even as a kid growing up. I’d try to tell people (teachers, counselors, even police) but everyone just blew it off, “I’m not going to tell him how to raise his child”. But he was abusive. Emotionally. Physically. And sexually abusive. When I was a kid my dad was either telling me how stupid or useless I am, how if it wasn’t for him, I’d have nobody and then smack me around. Or he would ignore me, act like I didn’t exist at all. He would tell me to join the school band, so I did, to please him. But then he never once came to see me play when we did a show or had a contest. He would punish me if he got a phone call from the school, but then had no interest in looking at my report card, so he never saw my straight A’s. I had to sign my dad’s name to on the back page and return it to “prove I’d shown it to my parents”. If I tried to show him my report card, so he could see my straigh A’s, he’d scream at me and terrify me. He would praise me for something, and then 3 days later punish me for the same thing. I felt I was the most inside out, upside down, confused kid in the world. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. People would tell me, “just don’t do anything to anger him”, but that was impossible because I never knew what would piss him off. And sometimes he would even make it up. He would invent some reason to beat me, accusing me of having done something that I didn’t even do. Not until after I grew up, moved out, got married, had a child of my own, then I heard about the narcissistic family, the golden child (that would be my brother) and the scapegoat.
This is a VERY limited overview of this kind of abuse. At least as far as my experience was as an only child. it’s definitely not generalized. It’s highly targeted. Specifically catered to the child in specific ways. designed to undermine every thought, action and feeling, to gaslight even the simplest of interactions until the child isn’t sure of anything any more. things are inverted and reversed until the world ceases making sense. To drive the child inward until they completely destroy any sense of self or identity. Isolating the child with circular double speak their entire life until they loose the ability to effectively communicate with any neurotypical person.
My parents and especially my “mother ” concluded that there was so much wrong with me that she repeatedly told me that I should kill my self. You usually use the example of kids being told they’re selfish but there are other and worse things a kid can be told. I’ve tried to access the free webinar you talk about but it only leads me to the course that costs $497. I’ve tried numerous times. I could really use it.
Growing up in that environment is rough. My brother was the oldest of three kids. He was parentified to take on the parental role as babysitter to my sister and me. We were only two years apart. The golden boy got everything he wanted. My sister and I had to endure abuse from this kid because there were no boundaries in that house. He ruled the house and they allowed it. I used to complain but nobody listened. That kid was the devil incarnate. My sister and I were afraid of him, he was that mean. After we grew up, I finally stood up to him and informed him that I am NOT taking orders from him anymore and that my narcissist mother was HIS problem not mine. I got tired of having orders barked at me and I got tired of cleaning up the big blob of sh*t that woman created. Because she couldn’t manage her life. She was extremely guillible and she catered to the wrong type of people. My father had died at that point. He was a man who was ruled by her. He had no backbone. He wasn’t a narcissist like her, he was a guy who needed someone to mother him . He was extremely codependent 🤦♀️ Those days are over. I went to therapy, went no contact with these people and finally gave myself what they never gave me which is love and a happy life. It’s all in the past now. My sister and I are no contact with him. My parents died. I don’t miss these people.
Narcissistic mother want their scapegoat children to become not passionate and dont want to become their own self… Narcissist like seeing theyre own child loses self-esteem, and like them to being controlled… Fall into gaslighting technique until scapegoat become depressed and blame theyre own self of being low self-confidence and you start thinking that your not always good enough comparing yourself to others… While the goldenchild is always being spoiled, he/she will got all the the confidence and high self-esteem always protected and being provided what she wants to the Narcissistic mother.
As the sister of the scapegoat… I’m happy that this is being brought to light. This causes a huge rift between siblings. Both are being negatively affected. The second child isn’t spoiled. They’re being used and robbed from learning common sense and how to survive. Both siblings are abused but in different ways.
Being the truth teller I was a threat to their toxic system so I was their target. I survived the scapegoat role but I experience still to this day a deprived lonely emotional life with c-ptsd from physical abuse. I became a warrior & good at fighting & boundary setting. To the envy of my mother/dad & siblings. Who I’ve had to be no contact throughout life. Because of their toxic envy & sadistic acts to me. The emotional physical neglect seemed to take a hard toll on my life so much I avoided people because of the excruciating emotional pain of the loss I’ve been in my whole life. It’s been hard to admit or acknowledge it because doing so would debilitate me from doing well at anything. But I worked at allowing myself to grieve & it helped. But others critical voices have been a challenge to overcome. I know what I need. I need kindness support to be left alone & left to my own devices. Regardless of knowing my parents and family of origin wanted me dead. I have survived. I know GOD wants me here to teach & has important work for me to do in this world.
Thank you for all the work you do! Your articles really help validate me when I’m gaslighting myself….could you possibly do a article in the future about how the enabling parent scapegoats the child too? I recently went no contact with my enabling father, who I love very much, but I couldn’t live having my emotions and mental health scapegoated as an excuse for him to be in denial about his abusive marriage anymore. He has always fallen back on painting me as too emotional, too unstable/crazy, too sensitive, too perfectionistic to avoid any of the truth of what I’m saying and to avoid feeling shame for how badly he damaged his kids.
I found the article a miracle, I am in the thick of it, as my mother the narcissistic is actively passing I had hoped this would free me from a lifetime contract of being the scapegoat. My sister and 3 brothers live the role it is intensifying, I have been able in the past to create distance in my life but with my Mom passing I am finding I am being held hostage. What is holding me back is I want to be in alignment with God as my parent, guidance, and protector. I am a jumbled-up mess, with your article being my next supportive choice for my highest good, seeking inner kindness and peace. Thank you
On a grander scale: That is the fear based model. Always RESPOND with logic. And to be able to correctly use logic, you need correct information. A good start is he website “free peoples movement “. About 15 episodes a 10 min each. About how the world ended up where it did. Real names and 100-200 years of history in a neat package.
the beliefs get internalized thats what happens to a lot of trauma survivors, even if its a car crash sometimes survivor internalize that it was their fault. With narcisistic abuse in childhood you have a parent who’s supposed to be loving whom actually projects their flaws onto you over and over again. We can feel undeserving, we can learn to allow abuse from the parent as our best survival strategy, and that can also become a blue print for life, this is sad, to have a valuable, and worthy human being, allowing abuse from people because their parent conditioned them. But i also have to say, there is a way out. Once i got into trauma healing support groups and a safe enough supporting person encouraged me to start honoring that inner child who got angry when people crossed my boundaries and that inner child encouraged me to start speaking up for myself, and honor him, and myself and doing so, i felt a wholeness, a gentleness and a warmth i hadnt felt in a while. I promised to that child i would speak up for him and not let others manipulate me, to the best of my ability keep the integrity and honor him and myself, my blue print was allowing abuse and bullshit, even years after i had left my home. Now i have 3 years honoring myself, staying in integrity and keeping boundaries while also allowing safe people in and to connect with them and natural and workeable ways. Authenticity towarrds areselves and Boundaries help us find our safe tribe little by little. The beliefs are workeable around.
In my family you were a second class citizen if you were born a girl. My brother was gifted a new car, had his own brand new room etc. The 3 girls shared one room, caught public transport after leaving school. There was no protesting, we were so used to my brother being treated differently, and well and truly conditioned to believe that being a boy was special.
I think part of the issue I have is that I am actually, to use your term, defective. I have Dyspraxia, a disability and specific learning difficulty that causes problems with the organisation of thought and movement. This used to be called Clumsy Child Syndrome or Lack of Co-ordination as it was most obvious as a problem of fine and gross motor control in school aged children. It is also often referred to as Developmental Co-ordination Disorder, or DCD, which ignores the thinking difference aspects of it (last I heard the American Psychological Association were still resistant to including the thinking differences in DSM, I believe based on a belief that Dyspraxia only impacts co-ordination and any thinking differences are due to cohabiting ASD). I was late starting to walk, although not by much, and when I did fell over more than other children. My hand writing started bad and stayed there, it still is, and I had problems throwing, catching, kicking and hitting balls. Even once I had a formal diagnosis I was still treated as “bad” and a “problem” by my mother. Even my successes were treated as a problem, if I got an A (or ‘Gold Star’) at school then I was told off for making thinks harder for my younger sister as this would mean that when she reached that year in the school they would expect her to get as good grades. I just stopped telling my mother when I’d done well in something at school. I’d still get into trouble, when my school report came through at the end of the year or if the teacher happened to mention something at the school gate or in a meeting about my co-ordination, but that was less often.
Thank you for this article. I’ve been on the fence for a while whether the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother was truly narcissistic. She’s definitely been puppeteered by her own mother, who I had no doubt is. My mother used to gaslight me constantly about how “spoiled” I was, therefore I should go without. Or that I’m so much more mature than others my age, so i should act like it. Whenever I had an issue though, it was because I’m not mature and don’t understand what maturity is, according to her. Not many articles about narcs point out this specific tactic in childhood.
The physical and mental abuse by my family ruined my life. The mental abuse being far worse than the physical abuse. My sisters are my parents pride and joy. I am the scapegoat, the outcast. I never recovered and suffer with severe mental disabilities, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and much more. I am now nothing but an empty shell. I just wish I was dead. I have seen psychologists and psychiatrists and am on meds. Nothing has helped. I envy those that recovered and moved on. I’m 50 and have suffered decades of abuse. But I am so tired now.
My narcissistic mother would constantly tell me I am violent, she’d send me random articles about violent teens and tie them to me, and then as an adult she’d do the same. I just thought she was insane and that it’s pass, It never did. I was scapegoated as a highly volatile and unstable person that would be easily triggered and constantly angry, unable to process my emotions, untrustworthy, abusive and aggressive. It was a double edged sword for her too, she once instructed me to beat up her first husband (poor guy, I’m pretty sure marrying my mother was enough torture!), and she even saw me as her violent protector that she could call upon. I’ve never been in a fight in my life, and after graduating for my 2nd diploma and still being subject of these projections I knew conclusively that something was up. I discovered NPD around that time and all the pieces fell into place. Funny thing is, I do get angry, I just focussed the anger towards my achievements and proving her wrong. But having gone no contact for some years now I am learning to find more healthy ways to be motivated.
I want to say something but it’s actually really difficult. Thank you. I haven’t had a chance to fully start perusal this because I know that I need to be fully emotionally ready but I am so grateful to have come across this. I feel like this is the next step in the healing battle that I’ve been fighting my entire life. Thank you 💛
It sounds like that person was the golden child. I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child. I remember asking for a new pair of shoes. My mother said they couldn’t afford it, yet, my sister got dresses to match her hats to match her shoes. By the way we lived near OJ Simpson. What a betrayal. My mother even paid for my ex-husband’s attorney. I am educated now. I wish I knew this information the WHY I picked toxic people would have made my life better. What you described was me. I am a survivor now. You do internalize it. I now believe I deserve to be loved. It isn’t too late.
My parents misrepresented my emotional needs. Then they blamed me for inevitable outcome. Mistaking emotional reward with punishment resulted resulted in lot of problems. Meanwhile my therapists showed no interests on what annoys me.😬 It was like healing stomach, without information about which food caused shitting myself.
Hmm. Will need to listen to this a few times to fully comprehend the content because this is very much an “aha” moment. So, if the scapegoat resists being broken then the narcs up the ante to nothing short of abject cruelty which would break anyone, and then the resulting damage to the scapegoat such as severe trauma prompts “closeness” with the narc parent/s because the scapegoat has finally become the broken, screwed up piece of poop the narcs insist the scapegoat was from birth. Looks like narc supply. How to tell??!!! Perhaps if there’s still zero empathy re the events they set up to cause the trauma even after decades, then it’s probable that they really don’t care at all and are getting off on the brokenness in the scapegoat which they caused. Hmm. So confusing.
There is always a litany of trivial and exagerrated complaints against the child by the narcissistic or envious parent. Of course the parent is the real problem, but their view of themselves as perfect is impenetrable – due to narcissism. What they really hate are the high spiritual and other qualities of the child, substantial things about which they have nothing kind to say. Good analysis.
@Jay Reid these articles are invaluable. Not only do you validate us compassionately, but you arm us with insight into moving forward. There’s no lonelier place than being the scapegoat, but there is hope. It’s navigating out of that trapped/ stuck relationship, that’s ultimately key to escaping the hell we’ve gone through, and finding peace.
I was the scapegoat in the family since I can remember. My narcisstic mother regulary beat me up, call me names and insult me every single day. She tread my very differently compared to my two brothers. They where the golden childs in the family. When ever peoples see me and told my mother how beautiful and sweet I look, she always said, I am very lazy and stupid. But I was the one, whom do the laundry, cleaning, raise my little brother, do all the paperwork for my parents, because they where foreigner in the country we life. It tooks years until I understand, my mother was extremly jealous of me. Since more than 10 years I cut the conntact between us. I feel much better now.
The minimizing and devaluation of the scapegoat’s achievements, in order to break the scapegoat’s self-worth and will to live. The most cruel thing a mom could do to her own child – yet the child is expected to obey, respect and value family esp mom, in spite of all the bullying and being driven to suicide. Religious indoctrinations of society (obey thy parents/heaven is under mom’s feet) make things all the more crazy for the scapegoat. As an educator for the last 10 years it shocks me how parents successfully put on a veneer of utmost devotion to their children, only to be so lethal behind closed doors. Thanks Mr Jay Reid for your work. I look forward to the day when narcissistic abuse recognised in parent-child relationships not just among spouses (the UK has now criminalised coercive control as part of DV laws), though that seems a long way to go.
These dynamics can go far beyond the growing up years. I am in my 50s and scapegoat describes the role assigned to me in my family of origin. The last few years I’ve been distant from my siblings and ONLY NOW realize fully just how unhealthy and unloving this dynamic really is. I am now free. I am okay. I am deserving of good things happening in my life. This dynamic is almost worse to endure than physical abuse because that is so obviously wrong. This abuse is so subtle but gets under your skin and remains there until addressed.
😢 This described exactly what was done to me. My narcissistic Mom also despised my Dad and since I inherited the same temperament, came to despise me also late in her life. It is infuriating to me to this day and really, truly very sad for me and FOR HER. I am finally free of her today because she passed away 2 years ago but it’s still heartbreaking to realize and painful healing. ❤
I have just realised that my healing stages have moved from child victim minset to scapegoat mindset to raging against being made a scapegoat mindset ( in normal devopment this wld be the “terrible twos” ie trying to assert our identity) and then revelation about this reactive state moving me to educating myself about healthy self image and engaging with others. Each stage vital – the rage against being scapegoat I remember powered me as a teenager to kick against the abuse I suffered all my life and get myself to uni.
Just found you. Words are hitting hard. I will have to listen again because shock is shutting me down. 62, separated from family for 30 years and this hit me like a ton of bricks. I look forward to seeing more. Currently coping with info of fight/ flight/ freeze that freeze is body preparing itself to die. So much trauma so little time to heal.
I have been the scapegoat since my childhood. My parents rejected me and preferred my twins as the golden child.I was always held account able if my twin did not pass in elementary school, he would steal or make trouble and i would be the one responsible. Growing up my twin is now an extension of my narc father who confronts my co dependent mother . My narc father will cherish my younger sibling and my twin support them financially pay gift them. He did on purpose to give his bank cards only to withdraw funds for my siblings . I have so much hate for him. Thanks so much for bringing clarity on this article . I feel much more relieved.
I don’t remember ever being praised or complimented on anything I ever did as a child or adult by my parents … became starting defensive tackle on a state championship football team after putting on 70 lbs of solid muscle lifting weights in 1 year along with running high hurdles and throwing shotput in HS track that year, … got straight As and honor roll at a junior college in a technical field ( not a word) … got an engineering degree at a renowned engineering university .. not a word and they weren’t interested in any celebration … .. nothing was ever good enough but found notes written to my sister being praised by my father as his little princess and pics of the parents smiling like crazy celebrating a brothers’ graduation .. other siblings got cars at graduation . They had 5 cars in the backyard I got cheap luggage
Oh my goodness, Dr. Reid I relate to nearly everything you said. Specifically my mother would tell me not to swallow liquid the way I did. I had acne during my puberty years which was not severe but again mom made me feel like the ugliest person on earth. She took me to a dermatologist who prescribed a different diet which made no difference. I now know of course that she was embarassed by my complexion as she couldn’t show me off as her beautiful daughter. Not that she ever made me feel beautiful or even told me this. My sister enthusiastically participated in putting me down and insulting and shaming me. What was absolutely crazy making was that on a rare occasion I would for example be given a special meal in a restaurant for which I of course had to show immense gratitude. Thank you for helping me to make sense of all this. I had to “go back and retrieve” this poor young girl from the horror that was her parents’ and siblings abuse. She is now safe with me who has to mother myself to better self-esteem and self love. I look forward to all of your new material. With gratitude. 🙏🌸
My mother did the same thing to me trying to convince me that my acne was the worst. It wasn’t but she was really focused on it and made me feel very insecure. She didn’t care a bit about any of my good skills or talents or my attractive traits. My actual mother was determined to make me feel bad about myself and never feel good about myself.
I was a scapegoat child not only from my parents but the most of the family jumped on the bandwagon, whereas my younger brother was the golden child. Luckily my paternal aunt showed me love and I spent most of my time with her. I came to realise that the best revenge against those who put me down is success, not being a victim and that`s exactly what I did, managed to get away and make a success of my life by achievements and today I am completely independent, financially secure and cut my family off long ago.
Just found this website. I figured out what my old man was about long before I even knew what NPD was. For years I didn’t know if it was real or not. One day on a bike trip I ran into my cousin I hadn’t seen for decades and he told me his dad has problems with mine. I called my uncle and we met for dinner. He started talking and I realized everything I thought was real turned out to be bang on. It took hearing it from someone else to believe it was real. My father was expert at convincing me that I was the problem, that it was all in my head he was just trying to help me. He can’t help himself, his ego is a bottomless pit he will never fill. I feel sorry for him but not sorry enough to have him In my life. No contact for around 8 years now, never going back. Its my life going forward. Im 52 and it took me into my 40s before I could actually believe the truth.
Jay your stuff is the best. I get such a kick out of the stuff you cover. Your heart is in it and that is everything. Because of the work you do and others in this field I am completely transformed. Pretty weird and something I never expected. And to think, I became a Neurolinguistic Programmer to battle this stuff. I had no idea what I was battling until this Narcissistic / Scapegoat dynamic showed up. It is now eight months later. I have crystallized a new identity,…. and I like it. Thanks Buddy!!
I am the family scapegoat that escaped my family. I am an African American gay male who has been scapegoated by my family via my mother. The abuse has destroyed my life and has inadvertently led me into another abusive relationship that has me suffering another situation in Switzerland. My mother died in December ’22. I laid my experiences aside and flew as soon as I heard, to Savannah. As I was there I was confronted with extreme lies perpetuated by my mother. There was an extreme situation that occurred during the funeral ceremony in the church, in which the pastor called me out. I was caught off guard. It felt like being hit by a truck. After the funeral, the abuse continued full force unabated. I was yelled at by my aunt for crying with the excuse of me not behaving like a strong black man. Yelled at by my brother. Gossipped about by other family members. Mentally abused by specifically one cousin with whom I was staying. All behind the guise of religion. I am now in a dire situation dealing with my race in Switzerland, where racism is excessive yet denied. Growing up, I was saturated with the conflict between races, and personally, I never fed into it. I just saw humanity and one species. Now, since returning to Switzerland I haven’t left my bed. I just want this pain to end. I don’t see sense in going on. I’m so sorry about the wordiness. I watched a few of these articles today, after texting per WhatsApp, with my brother (As per usual the denial and blame). This led me to write this extensive comment.
In my case, I’m sure it began with our birth order. I was the third son. The first baby gets all the attention the parents have to offer. The second one necessarily gets less. By the time there’s three, the first one is still blazing the childhood trail, doing new things and giving the parents new challenges and feelings of accomplishment. By this time, kids are a routine that need efficient time management. In other words, parents are now looking to find the least amount of attention necessary for the kids. From the day kid #3 arrives the parents are minimizing baby time. Then when I was two, God finally blessed the family with a precious baby girl! She was the center of everyone’s attention, the apple in everyone’s eye. It was always said that she was late learning to walk because everyone wanted to carry her. And no doubt, I would have been acting like a two year old, interrupting everyone’s quality time with the new baby golden child. This all happened before my earliest memories, but I would bet my existence that’s how our family roles were established. When I was called the problem child I replied “If I was a dog everyone would be blaming the owner.” It didn’t go well.