Toxic behavior can negatively impact relationships, careers, and personal lives. It is important to view this behavior as a grey area, as it can lead to the perception of oneself as unreliable or dishonest by friends, family, and colleagues. Strategies to counter these dynamics include relying on trusted peers, keeping a list of things not to do for profit, and practicing empathy skills.
Cognitive dissonance is a psychological theory that causes people to self-justify regardless of the reality of their actions. This theory suggests that mental illness is synonymous with irrational, erratic, and even violent behavior. Toxic people are subtly or outwardly manipulative, self-centered, needy, or controlling, and their behavior is typically unpleasant or malicious. They may blame others or themselves for any problems they have and believe they are right.
Toxic behavior, individuals, cultures, and teams are all unequivocally unacceptable in any shape, form, or context. One excuse to justify toxic behavior is “I can’t help it; it’s how I was raised”, which is rooted in the belief that one’s upbringing has led them to be toxic.
In conclusion, understanding and addressing toxic behavior is crucial for maintaining positive relationships and avoiding negative consequences. By focusing on empathy and self-awareness, individuals can better navigate the moralization gap and work towards a more harmonious and respectful environment.
📹 12 Gaslighting Phrases Abusive People Use To Control You
Here some of the most common gaslighting phrases abusive people use to control you. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse …
Why do people choose to be toxic?
A toxic person is someone whose behavior causes distress and negativity, often due to their personality or life experiences. They lack healthy stress management methods, leading to harmful behavior. Toxicity is not a mental disorder, but can be influenced by underlying psychological issues like personality disorders like narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial, bipolar, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Identifying signs of toxic behavior can help identify and address the issue.
What is the psychology of a toxic person?
Toxic individuals are often self-centered, manipulative, abusive, and lacking empathy. They drain others’ energy by demanding attention, sympathy, or validation, and disrespect emotional and physical boundaries. They can be family members, friends, coworkers, employers, neighbors, or leaders of organizations. Common behaviors of toxic people include constant criticism, gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, and a need for power and control.
Toxic people drain energy by demanding attention, sympathy, or validation, playing the victim role expertly. Their negativity and constant complaining can leave little room for positive interactions with them. They often manipulate others, including gaslighting their victims, leading to increased anxiety and decreased self-esteem.
To counteract toxic behavior, one can use the “gray rock” technique, where you respond to toxic people with no emotion. This helps eliminate the payoff they get from hurting others. To maintain a healthy relationship with toxic individuals, consider going no-contact or low-contact, blocking their email, phone number, and social media accounts, and if co-parenting, using a co-parenting app.
In summary, toxic individuals can have lasting impacts on mental and emotional well-being, leaving individuals exhausted and stressed. To counteract their harmful behavior, consider using the “gray rock” technique, going no-contact or low-contact, blocking their email, phone number, and social media accounts, and using a co-parenting app.
What happens when you ignore a toxic person in psychology?
Toxic individuals often disrespect emotional and physical boundaries, disregarding autonomy and personal space. They may stand too close to you, ignore you when you ask for support, and refuse to call you by your name, indicating their control and power. They may also claim to know more about your profession and life than you do. This can lead to a breakdown of trust in your relationship and cause you to not trust others in your life.
Toxic people often surround themselves with enablers or manipulate others into taking their side. They may use “flying monkeys” to check in on you, either knowingly or unknowingly passing on messages from the toxic person. They may also search anonymous forums for support for their behaviors.
Toxic people may claim that everyone knows you are crazy, creating the perception of an “invisible army” against you. They engage in this behavior both personally and professionally, exploiting and undermining coworkers and employers through threats, promises, or persuasion. In essence, toxic individuals can disrupt boundaries and relationships, causing a breakdown of trust and a constant state of alertness.
How do you outsmart a toxic person?
To handle toxic people, successful people set limits, stay aware of their emotions, establish boundaries, focus on solutions, and don’t forget. These strategies help prevent unnecessary complexity, strife, and stress. Stress can have lasting effects on the brain, impairing hippocampal neurons, which are crucial for memory and reasoning. Prolonged stress damages neuron dendrites, and sustained stress can permanently destroy neurons. Identifying and managing work stress is essential, as most sources are easily identifiable.
However, unexpected sources of stress can be the most harmful and unexpected. By following these strategies, individuals can manage their stress and achieve success in their personal and professional lives.
Why do people tolerate toxicity?
Empathy overload, fear of conflict, low self-esteem, and familiarity can make individuals easy targets for toxic behavior. To break the cycle of attracting and tolerating toxic people, it is essential to reinforce self-worth and set firm boundaries. To initiate change, cultivate a strong sense of self-worth, practice boundary-setting skills, recognize red flags, form healthy relationships, and engage in personal growth.
By respecting oneself, practicing boundary-setting skills, recognizing early signs of toxic behavior, and forming healthy relationships with supportive people, individuals can break the cycle of attracting and tolerating toxic people. By doing so, they can create a more supportive and healthy environment for themselves and others.
How do people justify bad behavior?
Self-justifying behavior can be categorized into various types, such as blaming others, rationalization, minimization, denial, and justification. Blaming others is when we justify our bad behavior by blaming someone else for it, while rationalization is when we make excuses for our bad behavior. Minimization is when we try to make our bad behavior seem less bad, while denial is when we convince ourselves that our bad behavior didn’t happen. Justification is when we try to convince ourselves that our bad behavior is good.
To stop self-justifying behavior, it is essential to become aware of your behavior and pay attention to the excuses you make for your bad behavior. By noticing your patterns, you can make changes and stop self-justifying your actions. As Pema Chodron suggests, creating a self-justifying storyline can quadruple your emotional entrapment within it.
Do toxic people know they’re toxic?
Toxic individuals may cover up their behavior by lying or gaslighting, attempting to make others question their version of events. They may also avoid responsibility for their actions by minimizing their actions, such as saying “I’m sorry, but.”. This behavior can be a sign of a lack of empathy or compassion. To address the problem, try addressing the issue with the person, and if they refuse to listen, set boundaries or stop spending time with them.
Different types of listening can be used, and everyone reacts differently to each type. Toxic individuals may also perceive themselves as superior to others, prioritizing their own desires over others’ safety and well-being. It is crucial to recognize and address these issues to prevent toxic individuals from causing harm to others.
Why is toxic behavior attractive?
Humans often seek comfort in familiar environments, leading to a subconscious preference for toxic relationships in adulthood. This is due to early life experiences that may have been detrimental. The brain’s reward system plays a crucial role in relationship choices, releasing neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin to create a sense of pleasure and bonding. In toxic relationships, intermittent reinforcement can create a cycle that mimics addictive patterns, causing the brain to crave positive moments.
Individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to seeking validation from others, especially in relationships, where toxic partners often use manipulation to make them feel dependent on their validation.
What is it called when you justify bad behavior?
In 2018, Muel Kaptein and Martien van Helvoort developed the Amoralizations Alarm Clock model, which logically covers all existing amoralizations. Amoralizations, also known as neutralizations or rationalizations, are justifications and excuses for deviant behavior and are crucial explanations for its rise and persistence. There are various techniques of amoralizations, such as collective rationalizations, which are constructed for acts of aggression, exalting the in-group and demonizing the opposite side. Celebrity culture can also rationalize the gap between the rich and poor, powerful and powerless, by offering participation to both dominant and subaltern views of reality.
Why do people justify their wrong doings?
Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension where a person holds two inconsistent cognitions, such as smoking and living for as long as possible, which can cause discomfort and even lead to a loss of self-concept. This dissonance is particularly painful when an important element of self-concept is threatened. For example, if a smoker considered themselves healthy, this would cause more dissonance than if they considered themselves unhealthy. This can lead to people believing that smoking is not as harmful as they thought.
Dissonance can result from actions dissonant with either a negative or positive concept. For example, students who failed multiple times at a task showed dissonance when they later succeeded, and some even changed correct answers to present a consistent image.
Why do people romanticize toxicity?
Romanticization is a defense mechanism used by individuals to hide their guilt from abusive relationships, often influenced by media and family members. Toxic relationships can exist in any relationship, including family, friends, or coworkers, and can make individuals feel undervalued, misunderstood, and even abused. Low self-esteem may worsen in toxic relationships, and co-dependency and attachment problems can affect both parties. Romanticism in toxic relationships is more often caused by lust than love, as people tend to fall in love with the potential their partner can have in their relationship rather than their actions.
A toxic relationship does not have to be abusive, but it can also be unsupported and misunderstood. Society needs to normalize communication and address the issue of societal pressure to speak one’s mind or truth, as it can cause more damage than good.
📹 TOXIC JUSTIFICATION | Stop Justifying Toxic Behavior & Relationships And Start Setting Boundaries
Why you need to stop justifying toxic behavior and relationships. The need to set boundaries in your personal life is always a must …
I think their real goal is to make you an emotional wreck. It’s exhausting not to be right about anything. Just the effort you put in defending the truth is completely draining. They have you doing this over and over. It starts out small, then it escalates. It’s all about convincing you that you are once again mistaken.
Step 1: Know your own value. Step 2: Realise that the person you thought that you were dating… is a figment of your imagination. Step 3: Realise that you cannot fix them or change them. Step 4: Walk away, AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Step 5: Learn from the experience, including “red flags” that you missed early on (so that you don’t make the same mistake by dating another gaslighter).
I always knew he was lying, cheating, belittling me and gaslighting, but to hear all of these phrases he used with me actually defined as gaslighting made me see my own behavior of begging him for forgiveness when I had done nothing wrong and giving my power to him. This was a huge break through for me just now. Thank you for posting these articles to help others. 🙏🏼❤️
Gaslighting warning sign in a relationship: The goal is to control you, to benefit their needs 1. Blame you: “It’s your fault.” Turn the situation in their favor, you are the abuser 2. Accuastation: You need help, accusing you of having a problem: you need to stop playing article game 3. Create doubt: Your statements: you did this, you are angry, you need to stop 4. Misunderstanding: Divert attention from the real problem: Create lies, gossip and excuses for their behavior 5. Projection: They feel low self-esteem, thus they will accuse you of this, and they will push their problems on you.
It’s taken me 59 years to see and realise that the only family I have (the ones I was taught to believe in as a safety net before anything/anyone else) are all toxically enmeshed in a unprocessed and trauma-bonded cult around a narcissistic mother, and that I’ve been emotionally abused in private and emotionally neglected in childhood by all my immediate family my whole life as the youngest (and ‘invisible’) one, and that in so many key respects Ive had to emotionally parent myself. It’s taken a phenomenal tole on me but also on my life chances. I’m still single, jobless and broke (despite being well-educated) and very, very scared. I know I have symptoms of CPTSD but I can’t afford support therapy, and what caused me to suddenly realise all this was one year ago when I suddenly found myself alone and dependent on their support after Brexit and the pandemic took the wheels off the life abroad I’d desperately tried to create to escape them and their treatment 25 years ago. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve taken to just praying every day and taking long walks when I can steal time for them. Why isn’t there a place where people like us, who learn these things in moments of personal crisis (too late in life) can at least find recognition, validation to fight the extreme isolation, and get understanding support to help us escape and survive? If someone is suicidal, they are often told “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. But what if it isn’t temporary? What if the abusers are all you’ve got and it feels too late to regain a life and independence worth living, all alone in a world getting more and more full of danger and crisis(?
When I finally started therapy and studying Stoic philosophy I stopped reacting to my ex’s gaslighting and began responding in a calm manner, not allowing him to deflect. The first time I managed to stand my ground is when I got the “you’re being abusive” line. I very calmly replied, “no, I’m simply not playing your game.” And then I had to walk away because I wanted to laugh I was so proud of myself for not falling for his manipulative tactics!
Exactly, I found myself in the position that I was begging and apologising for things that wasnt my fault … it’s so weird once aware and looking back… it was so emotionally painful and confusing, and wanting their love and validation at the time, to fix me somehow, but refuse to realise their part. Yeah I’ve been doing some of the work on self belief and self love… so I guess I wont be hooked on people having to believe me (that’s still a struggle) or their validation and hanging round longer than I should to try and ‘fix things’. Peaceout homies x
This article is actually bringing up a lot of stress and anxiety right now with the constant crap i have to deal with on a daily basis. And I love the sayings “Get over yourself” or “Just leave”. My responses “If I could I would” or “Don’t you think I would’ve if I could”. It’s not always a choice; it’s either deal with it or live in your car. And then you have those fun, seemingly, random mental breakdowns.
The worst is when your gas lighter is your mother. I was blamed for everything. Note: I’m ADHD – in girls the symptoms are made worse because of our hormones: growing up i had a hard time understanding why I could not do things the same way as everybody else, however, whats really sucky is the fact that my parents believed the best way to handle this was to act as if nothing was wrong with me. I wouldnt doy homework, had trouble with impulse control physically and verbally, when i was in elementary school i stole and lied so my issues became mental anguish when i got into high school because my mother used my past issues from ES against me. Edit: i heard ALL these phrases from her my whole life, even into adulthood, even after I moved out, even after i got married. It stopped (regrettably) when she passed away. I still carry those emotional scars, that unfortunately my husband and children have to deal with.
My biggest mistake in life was that I stayed married to a gaslighter for 17 years!!! So glad that I eventually managed to get myself and my girls out of the extremely toxic abusive relationship. What eventually gave me power to do so, was seeing the same abuse starting to happen to my eldest daughter by her dad (my abusive husband)!! Divorced for 5 years now, never been happier!!
Gaslighting can be very dangerous. I know because in 2019 I almost wasn’t here because I thought I was insane. I couldn’t trust my own mind. It was a crazy time. This was in the work place. It happened to me recently, but luckily this time 2019 educated me into knowing the term gaslighting & what the signs are, so I handled it much better
Tolerated this for the better part of two years. I got caught up trying to “prove” myself to her. And she just continued to get worse and worse. The invalidation was very real and very often. For anyone that may be reading this, PLEASE do not do as I did and continue to tolerate it. GET AWAY from it as soon as you can… When I say that it absolutely destroyed my self confidence and my view of myself… it truly did. I’ve been single since January 2017 and up until a probably April of this year, I haven’t even so much as had a hug from someone else because I’ve kept my distance and constantly blamed myself for everything. Only now through therapy have I learned that what I went through was not okay and not deserved. You deserve better than someone who invalidates you and manipulates your emotional well-being. It can truly destroy your perception of yourself for years and affect you in other areas of life. Please do not give someone that kind of power over you.
The more mature I am the more I understand what gaslighting is.. Just cut some of my old friends that I thought I’m okay reconnecting with them otherwise after analyzing some patterns and healed ‘some parts’ of my self, it’s okay to stay in the distance eventhough I still forgive them, you’ll realize they’re so miserable.. but you don’t have to care that much, becoz u don’t wanna be contaminated by their toxicities.. sometimes it’s sad seeing them with their destructive patterns, or even worse if it’s pathological.. oh bless them😩. and This article is such a clear confirmation! Thank You. 👍🏻✨🙏🏻
Holy shit, he literally said four of these phrases to me today in the heat of an argument. OMG, I bit, I saw the 🚩 in the very beginning, what the hell was I thinking. However, today I told him to drop me off, I was done, and I meant it. He is accustomed to weak women that rely on him. I own my home, make 6 figures, I don’t need him and made that clear!!!
My parents check off all of these points three times over, thanks so much for doing this article. Thanks to this I now have a better understanding of the malicious tactics my abusers employ, as well as ideas on how to formulate effective countermeasures. This won’t be over until I move out and go no-contact, permanently, but at least for the time being I can keep as much sanity as I can.
Yes, it’s very difficult to know especially when it’s the immediate family member you grew up with. In that case a child growing up has no idea what a healthy relationship should be or even look like. Unfortunately it takes much longer, even into middle age to realize you were brought up without any idea of what a healthy relationship looks like.
This is really good stuff! As a psychotherapist, I always advise my clients to listen for any “You statements” as signs of emotional and possible narcissistic abuse. Always ask for I-statements only. Narcs have a really difficult time with that because they totally avoid responsibility for their feelings and need to project their rage onto those around them. Keep these articles coming. I’d like to see more on covert narcissism. This is REALLY hard to spot but criticial to identify in its early stages.
You know where I suddenly realize that I encountered gaslighting? In school. This was my teachers’ blanket response to all the problems I encountered, especially bullying or abuse from the other kids. And this was true virtually everywhere I lived, during a lifetime of moving, at all grade levels until I got into college.
My ex-boyfriend always said, “I’m just TEASING you!” My BS Meter went off whenever he said this, couching his true feelings or thoughts under a “humorous” veneer. One time I told him, “Well, I love you anyway,” and he got upset and said, “ANYWAY??” I replied, “I’m just TEASING you! Now–how does it feel?” Shortly after, I broke up with him. So done with the nonsense.
If you are in a relationship like this GET OUT !! You want things to change but as much as you want it to things will not change. Think if you had a friend telling a story like this about themselves. You would tell them to get out. Follow your own advice. And cut off all contact. I was in the most passionate relationship I could imagine but it was toxic. I moved back to my previous city because I was afraid I would cave in. The attraction was that strong. NEVER LOOK BACK.
Took me until I was 60 to realize that my mother is a covert narcissist. This dinamic set me up with a narcissist partner…41 years. The damage that these dysfunctional relationships have caused me is unmeasurable. The Epiphany of discovering this was freeing…I now trust myself, & know I am o.k., & they are not o.k. ! I am grey rock to my mother who still is up to her tricks…even at age 90 !! & am getting my independence back from my partner who has financially crippled me. I see myself as happier alone, than putting up with this bullschitt …
After 2 narc husbands, my NPD mother informed me that I had no business dating because I was bad at picking good men. Hmmm, she picked my first husband, and basically set me up to be a narc magnet. After one more relationship with an extreme, diagnosed NPD, who almost killed me, I finally got counselling and learned who did this to me, and how I could fix it. I worked on my self esteem, and simultaneously kicked every narc friend or family member to the curb…no contact. It’s been 5 years, and I am finally happy.
Add this one: “I said I was sorry.” A former friend was too engrossed in her own (endless) problems to call when someone I love died suddenly. Our friendship was on its last legs by then, and when I tried to tell her why this troubled me, she snapped, “I SAID I was sorry.” As if this were a minor issue, and I was making too much of it. Soon after, everything fell apart.
I had a former friend do this to me. After she isolated me from everyone that I cared about, she convinced me that I needed to be on medication and that I had a chemical imbalance. Once I connected with a former friend of hers whom she had done the same thing to, I realized that she was an incredibly toxic mess. I went off the meds and was able to see things more clearly. Her plan was to have me doped up so I wouldn’t see what she was doing to me. She was stealing from me. See, I’m an artist and she had taken my creative property and passed it off as hers in which had opened doors for her in an industry she knew little about. She had no respect for boundaries, zero regard for the word no being a complete sentence and no accountability. Thus she had no expectation of there being reprisals and consequences for her shitty behavior. She even had the nerve to say, the day my estranged father died (whom she outed me to), that the two of us “never got along anyway.” She denied saying such a thing even, though, her own husband had thrown her under the bus and was appalled at her behavior. She was a liar, a thief, a backstabber, a total loser and an abject failure at being a wife and mother. She would have sold her own children up the river if she knew it could have gotten her what she wanted. She didn’t count on me keeping receipts in the form of screenshots and e-mails. I published all of them on social media. She threatened to sue me. I told her she couldn’t sue me for posting the truth and especially when they were her own words.
Some people are good at this, therefore they won’t be so direct, but they will use other words It’s hard to spot them For example when I told my ex I was suffering because he wasn’t even responding to my messages he didn’t say “it’s your fault” but rather “it’s your choice to get hurt” Basically if I was hurt it was my fault lol so yeah pay attention because not everyone will be so direct
Since society has changed, this article is like a refresher course on how to navigate and handle situations like this. In life, we can’t always play the victim card when we can just not be around these toxic people. Remember, we are human, and we all make mistakes; this article drives that point in all directions. Another blueprint Brainy Dose has laid it out for us.
1.-If someone tells you it’s your fault, and it really is, the own up to it. It IS ok for someone to point it out. 2 -Don’t confuse someone being annoyed, insulted, or passionate with being angry. 3.-If more than 1 person tells you that you need help, then you do. If it’s only 1, then I would question it. 4.-Falsely accusing someone IS “imagining things”. 5.-Same as #4. Ask questions, and be clear a out the issue in question. 6.-Same as #4 + #5…. don’t “assume” or jump to conclusions. 7.-Depends on the person. I had a girlfriend try to deny saying something she DID say, then in another conversation, I recorded her saying the things she denied, then I asked her a week later, abd she denied saying it again. I played her the recording of her saying it, ‘word for word”, and she looked like she saw a ghost. “GOTCHA B1TCH!” moment. 🤣 8.-Same as #1, if it is your fault, own up to it. 9.-This is not true. If someone says forget about it, they might be forgiving you. 10.-If you ARE the only 1 they have an issue with, then either get to the bottom of the problem, or leave. 11.-The “you’re abusing me” line is a classic self pity, victim card being played. Same as when they use the word “oppression”. 12.-I have heard this one before. Respond like I did. “I don’t need luck because whether or not you forgive, means nothing to me.” They will say this line to try to make you feel like they have something to hold over you that you need to atone for.
I come across a few at work and among roommates. The gas lighter/narcissist is one of the most difficult to cure due to past environmental and social upbringing and damage. They even can try to throw up trained counselors trying to treat their problem. I find that it is either best to stick to facts no matter what they say and draw boundaries, then don’t continue to engage them. Then after that if they don’t apologize, then ignore them as if they are not there. That drives them nuts. Best to try to stay away from them as they are too toxic and will likely not change their behavior and attitude.
My husband is a classic gaslighter who has used all these phrases with me over the last four years of our marriage. And you are right emotionally abusive relationships change to physically abusive ones too. I spoke out, tried to stand up for myself, sought help from parents and they supported me as far as they could. But this society always stand by the abusers because they are powerful. Such people are very good at manipulating people and make them believe that they are good. The society including my relatives, friends,church vicar blamed my parents, in some way or other and advised me to forget the past and trust him. My husband showed no remorse and kept using these phrases one way or other to put the blame on me. I used to stay in the same building as my parents but now he is forcing me to move somewhere else. Honestly i dont feel safe. I don’t trust him. But I hv no one who would understand or support me. I am worried about my 11 month old son. My emotional trauma could take a toll on him too.But the worst part is lack of evidence. Our feelings get dismissed as stupidity, arrogance, immaturity and selfishness. No one hold these abusers accountable. Marriage becomes a cage where you are trapped forever with your abuser. I want to exit because I don’t think my husband will change but society is not kind to a woman like me and even if pursue the path of divorce I will be condemned as an arrogant and selfish woman because the abusers version is always upheld. Unfortunately u can’t show a judge the scars left on your mind, the deep impact on your emotions and stress caused by the trauma.
I’m a little shook right now because I’m perusal this article after an argument with my partner today. He established 7 out of these statements. Word by word. Called me an abusive person, aggressive, started diagnosing me(???!) as having a Split personality, said “I love you but you need help”, then immediately denied saying these terrible things, deflected, and said I imagined them. Turned it around and said I was putting words in HIS mouth…And so on. It was extremely hurtful and made me doubt my truths. When I broke down crying he followed me into the room and said “omg look at you having a mental breakdown in the middle of the day! Enough with your alligator tears.” It was absolutely shocking, but this article is helping me tons. Thank you for making this article.
My narc says all these things consistently. 😂 Unfortunately, he chose the wrong woman. My self-worth isn’t on his sacrificial alter, nor is my mental health. My memory is excellent, and I’m sneaky and have A LOT of article evidence if I ever need it. For now, I am shielding myself from the bombardment of his narcissistic rage and mind games because I left the relationship despite his attempts to destabilize me financially and mentally. 😂😂
Never underestimate these manipulative type, get away from them and then watch yourself, they get angry when they loose. The game they play after escape nice nasty, keep focused on the, non matter what I’m never going to be back around this horrible treatment again and you will succeed! They want your sanity!
They always called me over dramatic or over sensitive and never let me say my side without claiming how wrong I am. She got my friend to hate me and convinced him to yell at me for an hour. When I confronted her about it she said she didn’t want him to do that but almost seemed to support him in doing that. Everyone I speak to now says I’m right and she’s horrible and I’m lucky I got out but honestly I still miss her. It’s sad because I remember her as such a sweet and caring person but I can’t help but wonder how much of it was an act. I wonder if she ever was genuinely nice
What sucks is sometimes this happens in normal situations, too, but it will make you look like a narcissist because you’re responding with some of these responses. I believe people can truly perceive things differently and take offense to something someone perceives differently. For example “you’re a partier” could be perceived as someone who does a bunch of drugs to one person, but to another they are just someone who likes to go to parties and drinks. So you’ll argue with that person that it wasn’t your intention, but it’s really about different perceptions of the word partier.. but the argument could be construed as gaslighting. Also, they could call you out on something you don’t remember at all, but if you tell them that you don’t remember it like that, they say, “Oh, so you’re saying I made it up?” I’m thinking… shit – am I being set up to be nailed as a narc? Sometimes we don’t remember things… but, if it’s consistently happening and certain phrases are used like – “you’re memory is bad,” “you have no idea what you’re talking about,” or “you’re crazy” is a definite red flag. I wonder if true gaslighters even ask others outside the relationship, for their thoughts, because I always ask other people what they think of what I said or did to seeks other’s input, because my perception could be completely off. I would think someone knowingly gaslighting wouldn’t do this, because the KNOW they’re manipulating someone and wouldn’t ask for guidance. Furthermore, if this is a repeating scenario within in a short amount of time, then they are most likely gaslighting you.
Technically, it only occurs in relationships, when the relationship itself is only a means to an end. Simplified: The less dangerous cases mean playing mates for money, favors, or playing it nice while subtly forcing them into submission. Consider, how a cold or flu starts subtly, and still reaches quite some unwanted impact. 🤔
The worst gaslighter i ever dated was a psychologist. He was a PROFESSIONAL GASLIGHTER, highly skilled. It took a good friend who saw what was happening to me to wake me up. Thak God i listened to her. I shudder to think where my life would have gone. Ps- this is not a condemnation of all psychologists. They have been a huge help in my life, but you have to shop around.
I lived with a gas lighter for a few years until I got sick of it and gave it back to him. Everything he said to me, I said back to him, until he finally moved out. He said he was tired of living with a mental case. I told him so am I…..why don’t you leave and go rent yourself a room in an asylum. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl there who you’re more compatible with. Never heard from him again after he moved out. That was the most awesome part of the whole relationship……him leaving. I’ve been very happy since.
For those who are curious, gaslighting comes from the movie gaslight a psychological thriller. Everyone experiences it in their lives, the frustrating thing is when it’s by someone in authority and they are in a position where they can put you in fear of losing your job or good reputation etc. Jealous insecure nobodies over compensating for their ineptitude they are easy to spot mostly but need to be dealt with carefully at an early stage, good luck 👍
The bad thing is that I have said some of these things as the VICTIM of gaslighting, trying to stand up for myself: 1) “you’re being abusive” because she actually was, and 2) “you’re the only one who has a problem with me” when she accused me of being terrible to everyone. Of course she also accuses me of gaslighting her, trying to make me doubt my own sanity. It is totally FUed but I have to live nearby (we are separated, thankfully!) in order to be close to my son.
Any variant of “it’s your fault” you need to look out for, such as “because of you” and “you must have done something to deserve that”. Also, the dismissive kinds of phrases like “it’s in the past, let it go”, and any variant of “when did I say/do that?” like “I don’t know what you did/said to cause such a problem”.
Writing down what happens right away/after, including how he or you repond(e.g. calmly, shout/yell…), day and time….basically everything every time gaslight happens…..that’s what I do…it doesn’t help in changing them, it just helps to keep me a bit more sane and a way out since I can’t tell anyone and it’s no point to tell the narcissist.
To hear the VERY phrases ex used all the time is helpful but frustrating it came too late. Was still trying to keep things together when he sprung the divorce on me. Took a while then realised that was the best thing he ever did for me. Apparently he expected me to contest it. I didn’t. I couldn’t be bothered by that stage. He was furious at that. Not in his plan for stringing out the divorce game. So these phrases were thrown at me even more. Now it all makes sense. My life is so much better and feels good now he’s out of it. I don’t have to wonder when or why he would throw these comments at me day after day. I don’t waste time trying to keep the peace with him. I don’t have to wonder when or why he would throw these comments at me day after day. Life is a joy to wake up to every morning now.
All of it. Blamed for something they did, I am crazy…. I am paranoid. Even tho I have proof. I remember things wrong. I overthink. Etc. And it’s at work so I am stuck because I am to depressed to start somewhere new. I am not up to it. I 100% do not want to look for a new job. Then I just wait for the Love Bombing again. Even though I know it’s not real. It’s really sad.
The most common one that I know of that I used to have in the past was this…. “Stop blaming all of your problems on everyone else”, or “Remove the plank out of your eye, instead of the speck from your brother’s eye” and “it could be worse, you should think yourself lucky as there are people worse off than you!” etc.
This reminds me of a woman that I worked with. About twice a year she would act mad at me. At first, I would ask what’s wrong? She would say you know what is wrong and what you did. And this was over absolutely nothing. After I cought on, I’d say that’s right, you can’t tell me what’s wrong cause you made it up in your head and that’s why you can’t tell me what I did that’s so awful… Then laugh at her. Talk about your dingbats…then say I won’t apologize for something that I don’t do and you can’t explain, goofball
I was once accused of saying something truly awful. That person legitimately believes they heard me say it. I sincerely don’t remember saying it and it sounds so contrary to who I am. But they legitimately believe it and wanted a genuine apology for something I genuinely don’t remember. Years later, it still haunts me. I never knew how to handle it without worrying if they’d think I was gaslighting them. I believe they believe it, I do. To them that experience was real, and awful… I almost wish I remembered saying it so I could sincerely apologize.
My sister’s favourite line is “So it’s all my fault?”. And then accusing me of being toxic! The thing was, it was so long since she’d behaved like that after I last stood up to her, I mistakenly (& perhaps stupidly) believed her attitude towards me had changed. And I totally fell for her gaslighting. As far as I’m concerned now, it’s all about my nieces (her daughters). I don’t want history to repeat itself (my sister is copying my Dad’s abusive behaviour towards me) with my nieces. I’m gonna do my darnedest to make sure they feel genuinely loved by me, so at least if (maybe I should be saying when) my sister treats them like that, they have someone to turn to (I didn’t have that). I want to make sure they feel loved & never feel alone. I won’t abandon my nieces because of my sister’s behaviour towards me. It’s all about them now.
A friend kept saying “Why would you believe that?” Or, “is that really true”?, then just “that’s fake!”, referring to a quote with a famous person’s name on it and “Why would you believe that”? As if she was the only one that knew anything or had any say on the subject. I felt like l was doubting what l believed and manipulated.
The problem is, many of these phrases can also be legitimate and not gas-lighting. Obviously, “if you’re lucky I’ll forgive you” and things like that aren’t, but many of these are things you can (and should) say when someone’s mistreating you. Dealing in absolutes is dangerous advice, in my opinion.
The Narcissist is a master of this insidious act. A Narcissist is this person who is focused on walking this line they see and believe to be a path for greatness. In fact, their eyes are so close to the line that they never realize the line is actually a circle that leads them to the same path they started. People who are close to them can see this by their pattern of behaviors and problems they go through in life. Those who care enough to tell them will be met with manipulation tactics to shift the attention away from the uncomfortable truth of the circle.
Every bit of this is truth! I learned about who and what I was dealing with and my loving sister rescued me through a safe word that we set up! Left him in Dec 2019, went no contact and by Feb 1, 2020 he decided to OD on his meds because I wouldn’t come back to him! And he did! May his soul be at peace now! Trust your intuition more ppl! Knowledge is power!
It’s interesting because although I agree with the list, I also see many of these phrases that are natural responses from non-gaslighters speaking with emotional manipulators. That is, folks who create major drama from minor things and sometimes from nothing. People who act like you’re awful to them and intentionally twist every word out of your mouth to justify those claims. I guess in many instances, you may even say, “I didn’t say that” or “stop twisting my words” when defending yourself AGAINST a gaslighter.
Not always black and white…. Some of the phrases are warranted … like the text is not meant in that way … some people colour other people’s word with their inner pain … And sometimes the so-called aggressor has to set boundaries from the so called victim… It is a two way street Both learn and both heal
This is a great article, i have a relative whom used to make me sit on a chair while she vented all of her frustrations, like “i could have lived a so much better life if it werent for you kids” “i never should have had kids, now i am a slave to being a mother which i never wanted anyway” (this contradics her previous statements of me being born being her happiest moment in her life) (she also picked me as her favourite child, in front of my sister) “you are going to end up just like your abusive father no matter what you do, it’s in your blood” (this made me wary of having children and i in part lost the love of my life due to me not wanting to have a child of my own) Regardless of the shit she said, it was too much for a 9 year old to hear. I told her about these “secret” venting in my adult years and she used just about every thing on the gaslight list. Thanks for the article
You never get the best relationship, if a person pulls you down, you have always got to be truthful so they cannot come back at you.Stand up to them,show how strong you can be, once you find them out,,make them feel inadequate, they will see that they cannot win with their lies, as you will not tolerate their deceitful antics and games, They can twist them selves up,and find it dose not get them what they want in the end .
Sometimes you have to say no and stand on it !!!! Anyone who controls you it’s time to say no!!! And walk away and never come back!!! Don’t be afraid to stand on your own!!! No one needs some one who makes them feel negative!!! If it’s negative investigate why you feel that way!! Trust your instincts!!! It’s not easy it can even come from family and it’s ok to love them but it is also ok to tell them no!!! And mean it!
I was getting to know someone romantically. He would slip insults as jokes. The first time I told him not to let it happen again that it’s not ok to disrespect me. He waited a few days to do it again. I blocked all communication with him. Not once did he ever slip a compliment or encouragement. With a lover like that who needs an enemy?
I dealt with a 10 month long distance relationship with someone that was highly mentally unstable. I dealt with some of this gaslighting, and I had no idea what was happening. Even when I felt guilt tripped and manipulated she basically denied it trying to say she was “helping” me on things whenever she really was taking my friends away. Then a couple relationships later I was dealing with more of this stuff although in a much lesser form and in different ways.
Oh how true this is! I just ended a 23 year long friendship when I finally stood up for myself and I did it in a very polite way. I realized the gaslighting had been happening to me for years and what it was doing to me and I am angry at my self for having allowed it for all those years. Somehow she tried to turn it around on me again and play the sole victim but I stood firm and didn’t play into it, in fact when I said I was done, I was . She tried to goad me into pettiness but I never responded. I felt hurt and uncomfortable because this was very hard for me to do and it will take time to heal as with any break up . The sadness was having had invested over two decades in a friendship only to have it end like it did. Enough was enough and I felt I wasn’t being fair to my self allowing her to treat me the way she did. The sad thing is others saw it too and it makes me wonder maybe she never really was my friend to begin with.
Excellent article. I’m mentally drained from all ten mentioned. Nothing you say will shut them down. You can’t even cry. I had 4 PPOs He, my narcisist ex, petitioned them and won 1 bc he befriended an attorneys secretary and she guided him. He contacted me by phone after receiving one and the judge gave him a warning even though I had 500 printed texts from him. I was able to get his probation officer to convince him I fear for my life so he filed a no contact order and my ex received it today. He cannot petition this one. I don’t feel the no contact will help me and I am moving 3 hours away tomorrow. I accept responsibility for allowing to be abused. I had no boundaries and thought I could handle a narcisist sociopath evil person. I am free now. Looking forward to major therapy and going back to me. Run from anyone that has traits mentioned in this article. Teach children about personal boundaries as soon as they can talk.
My late ex- used a lot of them. I needed an exorcism, I needed help, but then he would still put me down and make fun of me. He kept the money so I always had to ask . I always reacted with hostility and I only looked crazy to him, my children, and his family, yet it was my fault. It was for reacting like I did. I was never so unhappy in my life. Now, I am with someone who loves and respects me. He takes care of me.
As an abuse (CSA) survivor I would add these real-life phrases just here and if they help anyone else so well and good: “I think you just believe all your lies you are convinced that’s the truth” (gaslighting sister) “Don’t you dare blame your family for anything!” (gaslighting sister) “How could you say P__ could do that?” (gaslighting sister) “But it wasn’t REALLY abuse then was it, if he didn’t __ you?” (minimising Mother) (angrily) “Oh, so I suppose you’re gonna tell everyone now aren’t you?” (blaming Mother) (scornfully/mocking) Oh, I know what YOU believe (perpetrator brother) “Just leave it in the past!” (exasperated mother) (to others, overheard) “Oh there’s always been something wrong with her, mum and dad have tried to help but … well…” (gaslighting, slanderous sister) “The doctor says it’s quite common between brothers and sisters apparently” (minimising mother) “But you won’t get help” (Mother) “You need to get help (Mother)
“You always take everything the wrong way!” or “I didn’t mean it that way.” and then when I ask him to explain what he did mean he says, “there’s no point in talking to you, you never listen anyway.” or “talking to you is like talking to a wall.” Things go unresolved for years, and left on pause with statements like, “I’ll have to think about that.” or “We’ll have to talk about that.” (and then he walks away).
When there’s nobody around: Stop going on about it! Don’t be like that! It’s just your mental health condition! Stop being selfish! (Talking AT you not WITH you.) In front of people: I’m good to you aren’t I! I take care of you don’t I! (Then proceeds to talk to everyone BUT you..) Been there, cut ties aaaaand…. It’s all my fault. Apparently. 🤦🤷
I don’t like the way the female is mostly portrayed as the victim in your background footage to the commentary. In my experience the worst gaslighting is from power hungry angry females who spread malicious gossip and shmooze to curry favor with people. These manipulators get promotion and opportunity unfairly and they are usually female. They then swan around as though they’ve been doing none of the above and make everyone else think they’re imagining things.
I really believe that the source of a gaslighters trauma is childhood teasing. The idea formed in thier head that other people think less of them, so now they think less of themselves. They see this as a mean and POWERFUL thing that happened to them, making them feel weak. As adults, they carry this weakness with them. To empower thier weak selves, they need to control people’s minds as a defense mechanism. They gossip to control the minds of the group they are in. They tease to control thier targets mind. When you confront them, they lie to control the narrative, thereby controlling thier opponent’s mind. Insecure, weak, pathological liar, manipulative (lieing to control minds), gaslighter, toxic. The goal is to get you to think more of them, and less of yourself. A “flip” of what happened to them as a child. Not bad for someone who never took a psychology class (me). I figured it out after unfortunately having people like this in my life. Most of them were the youngest child and were treated like they were less by siblings.
Sometimes your partner really is imagining things, and you should tell them they are. You’re not gaslighting them. They’re just being a narcissist and they’re making up all kinds of sh!t about you and themselves. Many of these things you’re claiming are gaslighting are actually true statements that can be made about your partner if that partner is a narcissist. In this article, it sounds like the person who thinks they are being gaslit is the actual one who doesn’t want to take any responsibility for what they say or do. They just want to tell their partner, “You’re gaslighting me!” and be done with it. They are suddenly blameless because …. gaslighting.
“You get angry for anything” “My girl friends don’t think my behaviour is inapropriate” “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re always getting the worse case scenario” To sum up, it’s always your fault. You’re the unfit one, not them. It’s heartbreaking when you trully love someone who plays these games with you.
I wished i had this info 20 years ago. I would have avoided a loss of 13 years of my best part of my life, would not have lost faith in my abilities, would not turn into a lonely person without friends, would not have to go through a deep depression. Funny enough, i got to the ideas mentioned here, bit it took over a decade an another 4 years to start believing in an new relationship. So sad. As s woman i dont have time till my last breath to start a family. My best years are gone. I only can wish all the young girs and boys. It is no you, it is them. Leave and never turn back. After a cuple of years you will be recovered and stronger than before. Dont waste your time on abusers.
Very strange this article doesn’t state the obvious, if you weren’t raised by a narcissistic/sociopathic parent, being/getting hooked by someone who gaslight is highly unlikely. Without addressing the origin of the wounding it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to counter the susceptibility of engaging and staying with one who gaslights, and those who gaslight are likely on the spectrum of sociopathy.
I found this article very helpful. I encountered a lady that became a friend, who is no longer, a friend of mine that was a gaslighter that used on your list #7. I’d like to add another phrase another x friend said to me when I walked out ending that conversation. I stopped communicating with him, so he left a voicemail that was not apologetic, but instead to uphold his gaslighting behavior by saying, “I did the best I could do.”
You can ignore certain types of harassment. Imagine when you’ve been quite clear about what’s going on, took responsibility for the small amount of your own actions, while under attack. No personal responsibility at all. I’m not the one who has to take antipsychotics …many of these people went off theirs. And, oh .. claiming I need antibiotics, I don’t.
This is a painful topic, and the narc acts worse around the birthdays holidays. My dad, if he bothers, tells me how busy he is,hunting, with other people, how his time matters and that I am an inconvenience for existing. i deserve much better than im! He doesn’t like when I have and voice valid complaints, he invalidates them. and is condescending and controlling. It’s bad. It hurts me, he doesn’t care. That hurts the most!
I never understood this. My ex cheated on me twice. I tried to have a sit down and tell her that sleeping with other people is fine when single or when other part agrees. But in this case it hurts me, and i told her that one should never play with other peoples emotions. I didnt get to finish my sentence and she stood up and started screaming «STOOOP STOP!!! YOURE HURTING ME!!! STOOOOP!» i was just shooked and stopped because i have never experienced anything like that with anyone.. and everytime i told her that if she wanted to tinder around and have multiple guys in her life then i wouldnt want to be around and want to move on with my life.. it was always in my mind or imagine things.. im dying while perusal this
My ex-wife of 23yrs said ALL of these. When I caught her cheating is when I left and learned about covert narcissists. She is their queen, such a horrible toxic person. Get out once you hear these. Almost 2yrs divorced and no contact. I’m getting myself back and have never been happier in my whole life. Narcs can’t be fixed, reasoned with and they will never change. Save your sanity and walk away. Get help you can’t unravel the damage they do on your own. Trust me on this
If you’re in a relationship where the truth always materializes into an argument or fight one or both of you are gaslighters. Of course there are a ton of narcissists in the world but if you are genuinely pursuing a healthy loving relationship the truth will always drive the relationship and will do so effortlessly with joy, love and trust.
I love how the emotionally abusive person in my life sent this to me… I called them out on thier bad behavior, and now I get to listen to my own words and phrases parroted back at me. The manipulation and lack of clarity of reality are very frustrating. He says he is sorry now… And he wouldn’t have had to act that way if I hadn’t ________. (FILL IN THE BLANK) 😂😂😂😂😂
My niece, who I made a MAJOR, MASSIVE mistake in trying to help (for YEARS), illegally sold a car I owned, but she was using. She actually tried to tell me we discussed it and I was in agreement. Yeah, that’s why she had to sneak around to sell it. Then, when that didn’t work, she told me I “gifted” her the car. They are truly sick, nasty, vile people.
that’s basically everything my former “friend” told me when i ended our toxic relationship. whatever i said, she always answered something to put me down. every opinion, every thought, every share. i could just talk about my day and she’d criticize me for any little thing. “you shouldn’t have done it”, “what did you expect”, “i would’ve done it another way”, “actually …”, etc. it just made me want to keep quiet in her presence. i even made an experiment: couple of times i repeated opinions she once said as my own, and SHE ACTUALLY ARGUED WITH HER OWN STATEMENTS. she was clearly doing this on purpose. whatever i said, she’d say the contrary just to assert dominance over me. and when it was another one of these “what did you expect”, i just left. oh, she blew up. covered me with insults, told me to “go f*ck myself”, told nasty things about me to her other friends. and came to “apologize” few months later, when it became clear i’m actually moving on and not just making a scene. it wasn’t an apology, though – at least from a healthy person’s perspective. the closest thing to an apology were words “i miss you”… and the rest were gaslight attempt. the thing that enraged me was “that’s not how you really feel”. you get it? she knows better than me what i feel, wow, what an empath. that was just another nail to the coffin, but before i rejected her “apology” i asked why she acted this way towards me. and she gave me the most painfully basic formal answer i’ve ever seen. she could write scripts for youtube apology articles.
My family loved the “when?” excuse. Whenever I brought something up it was always that question. They knew I didn’t keep a record of when and where things were said and a recording of what was said and done, so they kept invalidating whatever I was saying followed by bringing up my past academic failures to invalidate me.
There is a couple of issues I have with how they present so many ways to identify potential gaslighting behavior but not any ways to invalidate false presumptions of it. If you are thinking you are or might be gas lighted, this article will only confirm your suspicions, whether you’re right or wrong. A couple of the phrases they have listed could also be something that someone being gas lit might say…”I only have problems with you” could actually be the case if someone is trying to confuse you, manipulate you, denies acknowledging their behavior, is attempting to create self doubt in you, claims you’re mentally unwell, etc So that is potentially dangerous because they could then point to this article and say “see, you say that to me all the time” in a futher attempt to gaslight you… “That isn’t what I intended” or “placing intent over impact” is troublesome as well imo because a person COULD be overreacting or overly sensitive about something…I mean, if you are misinterpreting someone or take offense to something that wasn’t really what they were implying then this could lead you further away from realizing it because confirmation bias is going to be there…If you say you’re going to turn a light on and your partner who enjoys a dark room asks why, you could see that as them legitimately wondering why you need the light on or you could assume that they don’t want you to turn the light on and want you to give them a good reason for doing something they don’t like, becoming annoyed that they would even ask why, so you leave the light off and storm out of the room huffing and puffing.
I lost my mother, brother to cancer, and my father in 29 months, my sister is a control freak I’m 55 years old and she still treats me like trash! She says that we need to stick together but all she does is abuse me, I try hard to say out of her way, I came over to the house yesterday and I need to go to my cataract surgery cuz I’m blind in one eye and she’s abused me about 35 times in 20 hours it’s a f**** travesty
I found that what really helped me was to set really firm boundaries and to Journal! Whenever the person (or people) I knew were gaslighting me (but they denied it) I had their behavior (where, when, how) documented. It helped me know that I wasn’t “being too sensitive” or “imagining it” or “not remembering the situation or what they said correctly”. JOURNAL. It saves your sanity. Eventually, I had to cut off contact with my siblings because they were so into gaslighting me (which they had done for all my life). Unfortunately, I found that I had married someone who was also a gaslighter. They aren’t as bad as my siblings, but definitely a gaslighter. I have begun to tell others about their behavior, and they have also been caught by others gaslighting me – so I have witnesses. They have actually begun to change their behavior – but very slowly. Often it is two steps forward and three steps back, but at least they are making progress. I believe that my spouse isn’t a true Narcissist, but their mother was a BIG one. It is more a learned (modeled) behavior learned from the mother. This is one reason it is possible for change in my spouse.
HEY GOOD MORNING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, I CAN RELATE 💯 PERCENT TO THIS TOPIC, BECAUSE MY PARENT MOTHER, IN FACT THIS TOPIC IS MY PARNT MOTHER, PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS, SHE ALWAYS SAY THAT SHE WISH SHE NEVER HAD ME, OKAY I LOVE YOU TO PARENT MOM, 💯🙏💪💙💨🫂 HAVE A BLESSED DAY TEE, OG NEED LOVE TO 🎆✌️
Abusive people are the ones to feel sorry for. In the sense, that they ‘need’ to behave toxic or abusive to feel good, or whatever it is. Feeling big by making others feel small. Which healthy brain would do something like that? It is the dirt inside, that is shown at the outside. How sad it may be that someone has this inside, it’s never a reason to infect or affect others with it. I truly wonder, what makes people even to THINK about the idea of messing with a person’s mind. When I would have never heard of such insanity, it would have never entered my brain….
But what do you do when your abuser(s) is in the government and has authority(Law enforcement, Judge, Billionaire) over you and they keep breaking the law(your rights) in order to maintain control. And no one in the government will stand up for your, they’ll say things like “I’ll have a talk with him.”
It’s really accusing you of something that doesn’t exist… came out of thin air … and if u question the accusation they will say your questioning there feelings… and it become a life long argument when they need you to argue… when there miserable…. Or if you go against the grain with there bs then they gonna make u feel like shit and claim there unhappy until you 100% bow down… I did everything I could.. I even tried playing it her way after a couple months and she still found something to make big deal about these people are mental abusers and they are very sad with life and won’t admit it
My favorite phrases were “it’s bigger than just you!” ” I’ll let you know what you can have” ” are you sure that happened?” That didn’t happen was my entire relationship even his ex Carrie Elizabeth Jones (Clarendon, AR)joined in on those notes. Christopher Ryan Skinner (Prairie Grove, AR) and his family led the way to get their family money, children or property rights. Sad and true.
The whole “I can’t be wrong!” silliness is a HUGE problem throughout society today. We are trained from very young and throughout school that to be mistaken/wrong essentially means that you are a “bad person”, which is not at all true. Think of how when we are kids, parents would say “be good!” or “don’t be bad!” and so on. This conditioning causes folks to grow up having one hell of a time with simply admitting and owning their mistakes to the point that many people flat out simply can not admit them.