The author shares her experience of co-parenting with her ex-husband, who has a new girlfriend. She suggests practicing empathy and focusing on the children’s interests to navigate the challenges of co-parenting with a hostile person. She also emphasizes the importance of treating the other parent as a valued ally and working towards the welfare of the child.
The COVID-19 pandemic has further complicated the situation, but experts suggest 14 best tips for successful co-parenting. These include maintaining a high level of well-being, giving the girlfriend a chance, not discussing the ex with her, and planning how and when to tell the children. It is crucial to focus on the kids and their transition, discussing that the ex may have another partner, and being supportive.
The author also emphasizes changing behavior to better co-parent and work with the ex. They suggest being cordial but not friends and modeling healthy relationships. The decisions should be between the couple, and if communication issues arise, they can ask the court to put them on a mediator. If not represented by an attorney, the first step should be to prepare a proposal of what the custody agreement should be, including the frequency of contact between the couple.
The author also mentions her GF’s issue with how she coparents with her ex, stating that it is disrespectful to her and their children. By following these tips, the author hopes to navigate the challenges of co-parenting with her ex-husband and maintain a positive outlook on the process.
📹 I Hate Co-Parenting With My Husband’s Ex
I Hate Co-Parenting With My Husband’s Ex Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email …
Do I have a right to know who my ex brings around my child?
You don’t have the right to know who your ex is bringing around your child, as the other parent can decide who is around them without your input. You can only restrict certain people from hanging around your child if there are restrictions stated in a court order. If the person doesn’t pose a safety risk, you shouldn’t be demanding. If there is evidence that a person poses a risk to your child’s safety or well-being, you have the right to be concerned.
You can ask the court to restrict your ex’s new partner from being around your child or get an emergency order to protect your child. If you’re concerned, you may need to conduct a background check on your ex’s new partner.
How to get over a breakup when you have a child together?
To cope with a family break-up, separation, or divorce, make choices that give you control over your life, such as accepting the end, not being a victim, being positive for your children, learning new skills, and making future plans. Seek help from trusted family, friends, or your doctor, especially if your feelings are affecting your daily activities or work. Contact services for support and advice, such as counseling, family dispute resolution, and family violence prevention, on the Relationships Australia and Family Relationships Online websites. Support your children through this significant event, considering their coping mechanisms, behavior towards the former partner, age, maturity, and personality.
How do you let go of someone when you have kids together?
Ending a relationship with a child can be complex, especially if the parents are involved. To ensure the best for your child, it is essential to be open with them about the situation. This can help them understand the situation and what is causing their dissatisfaction, and avoid blaming themselves.
To be open with your kids, explain the plan to split up without getting into the details. Explain that their life will not change and they will receive the same love and attention as before.
When ending a relationship with a child, make sure they feel heard and can express their opinions about what is happening. This will help them feel understood and supported, and they will be more likely to feel heard and understood.
In summary, ending a relationship with a child involves several steps, including being open with them, explaining the situation, coming to terms with your ex, setting a schedule, and finding forgiveness. By following these steps, you can ensure that your child is heard and that your decision to end the relationship is not impulsive.
How to deal with a toxic ex when you have a child?
Co-parenting with a toxic ex can be a challenging process, but it is essential to provide a safe space for your child. To help, set realistic boundaries, prioritize self-care, model compassion, seek social support, avoid bad-mouthing your ex, follow court orders, and be consistent. Positive co-parenting is crucial, and therapists like Kaytee and Dr. Patel offer valuable resources and infographics to help navigate this difficult transition.
Kaytee specializes in helping survivors of relationship and family trauma, while Dr. Patel specializes in women’s mental health, burnout, anxiety, and depression. It is crucial to seek help when needed and to maintain a positive outlook on the process.
How to coparent with an ex you still love?
Effective co-parenting involves setting boundaries, maintaining family ties, communicating as a team, being flexible and accessible, navigating conversations with your child carefully, and finding a support network. Relationships aren’t built overnight, and the powerplay of emotions can be worse if you have a child together. It’s essential to take time to heal, remember that you’re family, communicate as a team, be flexible and accessible, navigate conversations with your child carefully, and find a support network.
How to deal with separation when a child is involved?
To help children cope with separation, it’s important to remind them that both parents love them and maintain open communication. It’s crucial to avoid blame and maintain routines, such as school and mealtimes. Children thrive when they maintain contact with all parents, and they have the right to maintain contact unless it’s not in their best interest. Contact arrangements can be used to determine who a child lives with and how visits will work, ensuring a smooth transition.
Can my ex track my child without my permission?
A parenting plan should not allow tracking devices or apps to be used to monitor children’s whereabouts without express consent from the other parent. This could lead to potential family law conflict, as the other parent might take legal action. The best approach to co-parenting is to trust the other adults to act in the children’s best interests during their parenting time. If issues arise, parents can document them and potentially seek a modification of custody arrangements.
It is easy for a well-intentioned parent to unintentionally violate Connecticut’s law and parenting standards in a shared custody scenario. Talking about co-parenting concerns with a skilled legal team can help identify actions that could negatively affect parental rights.
Can I stop my son from seeing his dad’s new girlfriend?
Parents have legal parental responsibility to be involved in their child’s upbringing, but introducing a new partner to them is unlikely to be a key decision in court. If you believe a person represents a danger to your child, you cannot stop them from meeting. There is no specific family law guidance on introducing new partners to children, so specialist guidance is needed. The dangers of “unreasonably” preventing your child from meeting your ex’s new partner include potential negative impacts on your child and your relationship. It is crucial to consider the specifics of your situation and the dangers of attempting to prevent them from meeting their other parent’s new partner without a good reason.
What is the walk away wife syndrome?
Walkaway wife syndrome is a condition where a wife becomes emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied with her marriage, often after years of resentment. This decision is not impulsive, but rather a result of feeling neglected and unhappy within the relationship. Identifying warning signs of walkaway wife syndrome can help address the root issues and potentially save the marriage from the same fate. One of the most common signs is a stark emotional withdrawal from the marriage, with the wife feeling distant and disconnected from her partner.
What is a silent divorce?
Silent or invisible divorce refers to a situation where a married couple remains legally married but ends their emotional and physical relationship, living separate lives under the guise of a normal marital relationship without the formal process of a legal divorce. This can involve minimal interaction or leading completely separate lives while maintaining the legal status of marriage. Identifying these signs can be challenging, as they often emerge slowly over time.
Key indicators of a silent divorce include a lack of communication, which can turn shared dreams and emotions into mundane tasks. Identifying these signs is crucial for couples to address the issues in their relationship or begin the healing process of legal separation.
📹 The hard work of co-parenting with a narcissist
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
I learned a long time ago that it’s not your place as a step parent to get in between any parenting situation between husband and his ex. You are not going to change how they parent and you will end up making the kids resent you if you over step the boundary. No matter how stupid and childish the other parent is being. You are their to support your husband and his choices with his kids. Period.
This caller is a child. My exhusband and I co-parented beautifully, went to school functions together, birthdays, holidays, family dinners, etc. We made a point of loving our children more than we disliked each other. My children THRIVED in this environment. Our common goal was the children, first and foremost. Still is, and they are 21&23. They were 3&1 when we divorced. She married this situation, and wants to control and micromanage every aspect. These poor kids, ughhhhh. Time for caller to grow up!!!!! John was great on this one.
My ex has gone on vacation with us several times and is even invited to Holiday get togethers by my family. My current husband has always been supportive and inclusive. My kid has grown up with both of his parents there for every birthday party since he was two and he knows that we communicate about all things that involve him. It isn’t holding onto an old relationship, it’s putting your kid first. It isn’t my son’s fault that his parents got divorced so we have to be the adults and co-parent in the situation we created. My son is a happy well adjusted kid that loves his parents and his step dad.
I’m new to co-parenting. We do our absolute best to do things together with our child because she likes spending time with both of us. Eventually we will have new relationships and this is part of my package deal. I would also hope that any new relationship with their own ex spouse and kids would have a good co-parenting relationship with their ex-spouse. Caller needs to choose not to give the ex-wife so much space in her head, it will give her so much peace.
This is my favorite episode to date… I know Im late to the party, but I feel like you cut away all of the background noise and just went for the heart of the issue. There was so much more here, than just this woman feeling jealous or uncomfortable with her husbands ex wife, and it felt like you very clearly brought her around to the underbelly of what was really going on. So well done, so much potential for life changing healing if she grabs on to your words and runs with what you’ve given her. What an amazing blessing!!!! Thank you Dr John!
Sounds like they didn’t discuss or plan much before getting married. He has history and kids with the ex wife, that means many years of blended family life. If I knew that his ex wife wanted him back a few months before/after we got together, it would probably bother me, which is why maybe she’s also jealous. I could be wrong, but personally I would have backed off or take my time, because it’s not worth rushing to marry and be miserable, especially with kids relying on me.
Oh no!!! Him suggesting she be THAT vulnerable straight out the gate?? If the exwife doesnt respond well or weaponizes her vulnerability that could be sooo triggering and traumatic and totally backfire. She would need trauma counseling before being that vulnerable with the ex-wife. Yikes. That advice is alarming.
My ex and I both came from broken homes with parents who avoided each other as much as they could. When we divorced we decided that, no matter what, we were going to wish the best for each other and we were going to show our kids how mature adults behave when a relationship doesn’t work out. We remained friends and took the kids to pumpkin patches, movies, lunches, we celebrated several birthdays and holidays together when we were both still single. I admit that my friendship with my ex has caused me to end some relationships because I was committed to prioritizing the mental health of my children. Our kids are now grown and we’ve both been able to be there for them through the good times and the bad. My ex’s step dad died 12 years ago and his mom died last month. I attended both funerals and got to hold and comfort my children through some of their hardest times. I feel very blessed that I don’t have to miss out on the big moments in their lives. I wonder if the caller is more jealous that her husband’s kids are blessed with two loving, nurturing parents and she and her ex couldn’t figure out how to make that happen? It’s got to be hard for her to know her children are hurting while his kids get a more whole family. That probably feels “unfair” and she may even feel shame that she couldn’t make that happen for her girls. Hopefully, she gets counseling so she can heal and not inflict pain onto her step-children.
Thats why the boundaries have to be there BEFORE you get involved..you will always be seen as the issue if his dealings with the ex change once you were in the picture. I’m a step mom and I’ve always said I never wanted to be one and one of the things that helped is that my husband and his ex have very GOOD boundaries…wasn’t no vacations and family dinners happening before I came along and certainly weren’t gonna start when me and him got together. Blending is hard enough i refuse to compete with an ex. If they still wanted to have family dinners and go on vactions together, it would have meant he wasn’t my person because thats not how I want my partner to deal with an ex..children involved or not 🤷🏾♀️ She was uncomfortable for two years and saw this man relationship with the children dissolve once she came into the picture and still chose to marry him. I just don’t understand that. They weren’t a good fit he needed someone who would have been okay with his already set up arrangement and someone with a similar arrangement with their own ex probably would have been a better fit because at this point she ruined the core relationship in the children’s lives and they will spend more money in therapy and court with her name being dragged through the mud then she can ever imagine…smh Unfortunately I don’t really see this going well for her the marriage or the children. If my partner told me that just 2 months prior to us meeting she was still trying to get him back it would have been a red flag to me because that tells u right there the boundaries were murky.
I had to have a serious conversation with my husband around co-parenting. Mainly bc he also felt like something might still be there. Which is interesting, as i only reach out when it has to do with the girls. Co-parenting takes work, and it’s for the kids. So my husband had to see it for himself, he finally told me he heard stories about exes getting back with their baby daddys. As a partner, I have to show my husband that its not in any way going to be like that and to not make him feel insecure. So yes, our partners need to know that co-parenting is very much important, but we (the parents) need to make sure our partners feel secure.
Stepfamilies make marriage vows useless.. things like “forsake all others” etc. Then society throws stones at the stepparent not the other party who made marriage vows yet still divides themself for other parties to be satisfied. The reality is you can’t divorce then create a “new” family, just doesn’t work that way. childbearing brings a lot of baggage if you leave your marriage
The caller’s husband and his ex-wife are playing house. And instead of playing house within the bounds of a marriage, they’ve separated and added a third person (the caller) to this strange dynamic, who (rightfully) feels like a third wheel. The husband and the ex should have stayed married (or stayed single) if they were going to do this. Now this man has created a sister wife dynamic and that’s not what the caller signed up for.
I usually agree with John, but I think he missed it on this one. This woman is being treated like the third wheel while her husband is playing peace keeper and giving his ex first priority. The ex is slinging zingers and playing head games with their kids because she can no longer play house with her former hubby. The caller is going to get burned following John’s advice because you simply cannot negotiate with a terrorist. She will weaponize any vulnerability. Hubby is putting his current marriage in jeopardy instead of standing up for his current wife as a respected member of this blended family.
The poor husband is going to be absolutely miserable with this woman. He’s going to be constantly at war with her, and he will have NO peace. This lady doesn’t need to be married at all, she needs counseling, and she needs to grow up and heal, otherwise you get what you have here. She causing chaos and wreaking havoc on everyones life
I see that the caller is being petty about this, but I would be just as surprised about this coparenting situation as anyone else. My parents were divorced, never ever in a million years would they have a pumpkin patch day or birthday party together. A couple of sports meets sitting on opposite sides of the bleachers and a funeral is all they tolerated each other for. Seeing kids divorced parents that still tolerated each other tripped me out
Women married man that have kids . Like honey don’t expect your life to be like two young people who have not been married before . This is totally different. Different everything is not ideal. I would not recommend, I would recommend trying to fix your marriage unless there is abuse or the other person really refuses to, and if you go into another marriage just don’t think it’s will be normal
Y’all are wrong about this one. Why would my husband need to bring his ex wife on a trip to Jamaica with us and the kids for everyone to have a good co parenting relationship? 😂 that’s just silly. I’ve always believed that where people prioritize who’s “comfortable”, that will tell you everything you need to know about their true desires. You can ABSOLUTELY have separate holidays and vacations and still be friendly at school events and birthdays 😂. You can even be friends and help each other out with pick ups from school etc., and still have separate lives. The bigger question is why is this husband choosing the comfort of his ex over the comfort of his current wife. If my husband said that he needed to vacation with his ex wife for the kids sake I’d laugh in his face and let him know that I’m breaking up with him for the kids sake. get tf outta here 🤣🤣🤣
The caller was immature. When the husband disclosed that his ex wife wanted him back 2 months before they started dating she should have stopped dating him and found someone else. She literally disrupted these people’s kids lives. The co-patenting was healthy but bc she is jealous and immature the kids miss out on enjoying a family unit with their parents.
These comments are so harsh! Everyone needs to take a deep breath and have a little compassion. This woman sounds like she’s seen hell throughout her childhood. Plus I don’t blame her for not being a fan of spending holidays with her husbands ex… every woman wants to create memories with her family not tag along or be a plus one with your spouse and his ex…. She wasn’t wrong for sharing how she feels with her husband because THATS NOT NORMAL. On top of that the ex wife wanted him back so the ex was trying to still hang on to what was…. Mixed families are tough to navigate so let’s not put our noses in the air and Judge this woman so harshly.
I think this time, dr John had a narrative in his head that he forced onto her. She isn’t competing with the mother of his kids. She is trying to navigate her marriage and his relationship with his ex wife. She mentioned she wanted to get back with him and he said no, yet he asked if she is jealous. As any woman, you would be more alert of what is going on when they meet and why she is trying so hard to keep those activities together.
I feel for this girl. Hang in there and stick to the basics. You knew what you were getting into and the kids are the most important. And incase you forgot, your husband loves YOU! He isn’t with her cuz he didn’t love her! It was a learning experience for him. Now rise above this irritating stuff and just focus on loving your husband and the kids. You’re already winning at life just breathe. You got this!! ❤
My daughter divorced over something like this. I tried to warn her about her future husband’s ex, but she wouldn’t listen. Then the ex wife bought a place 1/4 mile down the highway from them. She was constantly stopping by as she had a son with my daughter’s new husband. Their marriage didn’t last long.
The fact the ex spouse was trying to get back with him is enough to be alert. Sharing her debt is clearly against what should have happened too. Holidays with everyone together is not the greatest idea. Not fair to this caller in my mind. Time to leave the relationship as things will not change. I predict the two ex spouses will get back to getter either secretly or in full view. I’ve seen it before. 😃
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! Unless you’ve been a stepmom you have NO idea what it’s like and absolutely no right to judge this woman so harshly. This woman isn’t perfect, as none of us are — but she’s being honest and earnest and coming with a heart in search of solution. Psychologically speaking, divorced kids being thrust into the situation of having to navigate mutually shared holidays with new blended families experience incredible amounts of stress and hyper-vigilance as they desperately watch for cues from each bio parent in attempt to keep peace at all costs, and the cost of kids forced into that state is usually their own innocent childhood needs + a healthy, inwardly-focused cognitive developmental experience. I’m a stepmom and for the sake of the kids’ mental well-being I wouldn’t be OK sharing holidays with the ex. I also don’t think doing so would be healthy for either new marriage, at least not for the first 5-10 years (most blended families take 7 years to settle in). It’s not jealousy it’s just practical, common sense.
It is rarely the Co-Parenting situation per se. It is not having everybody in the right systemic spot. Meaning Ex is EX and no underlying flirting or someone hanging on to old feelings (having marriage photos still in new house). You can be totally over your Ex and still want the best for him/her and your Kid. When there is an elephant in the room, there might be something unspoken going on. Your partner needs to be more involved with you than with the Ex. As long as Exes are fighting, they are still emotionally attached. Being indifferent to your Ex or simply grateful for your child it is a good spot to start with new relationship.
I hope we will get to hear how the meeting with the ex went. I agree that there are issues to be dealt with the new wife and being a better co-parent and wife so the kids are happier and content as they can be with a split family. I don’t agree with everyone going on family outings. It’s a new family dynamic and they should have their own outings. My ex took the kids on a cruise, should I have gone too? There should be some boundaries. Parent -Teacher conferences, going to the kid’s sports games or similar events, both sets of families should be there. An occasional birthday party with everyone is good too.
Dr. D is soooooo right….. Think about things differently. Like her joke with the kids about being a failure, is something that could be a conversation about how it could hurt them in the long run…. But you should say things that reinforces them positively even if they don’t say it hurts them. Try to make the relationship better…
Unless you’re in a blended family, you don’t know how hard it is. Being a step-parent is very challenging. God redeems all. It takes time. It takes maturity. Loving someone else’s kids and doing life with them day-in-and out, while challenging, it is rewarding. To this precious woman, if you allow it, this will get easier. Take radical care of yourself — make time to take care of you.
I have empathy for the caller because the ex-wife wanted her husband back. It must be difficult when your husband is spending time doing activities with the ex-wife and the kids. That being said when you date someone who was kids you will always come second and that’s the way it should be. That being said I don’t trust the first wife. I would make sure I’m with my husband at every activity ….
This situation is really hard… I feel for this lady. Keep strong. You’ll figure it out. It’s never easy and your husband maybe needs to compromise in some way to make you feel more comfortable. Compromising doesn’t mean he has to give up his kids and his ex. But you both need to figure out what is healthy for the both of you. Bringing someone else in you can’t expect to not have to change anything. That’s not fair on either of your new partners on both sides.
This is just sad. She literally ruined a great co-parenting relationship and for what? Because her own ex has nothing to do with their children? So because she doesn’t have a good co-parenting relationship her step children’s parent can’t either girl what 🙄. I wish her the best in healing her trauma though.
This is what happens when you marry someone with kids. If the ex is in the kids lives then you’re also marrying the ex in a way. The ex will always be connected to your spouse through their kids. Accept it or don’t get yourself into a situation like that. This lady has been doing a fine job of pushing her husband away
I’m perusal this article like 🍿🥤📝even though he hasn’t introduced me to anyone he’s dated. But our child is getting older and starting to talk about who is around more and more. Maybe this caller didn’t have her house all the way in order or a totally clean side of the street, but took being called out like a champ and seemed genuinely interested in doing better. Most people can’t even do that.
Ooof. My ex & I had a wonderful dynamic just like this for about 7 years. We were great friends co-parenting, checking in with one another, family gatherings etc. then he got engaged & it was an overnight change. New Wife could not stand the idea of us being a blended family & it was something I had to accept very quickly & mourn. Not just me but our daughter, his entire family (grandparents of our daughter) etc. more than anything I thought we were going to become the greatest friends. Boy was I wrong.. 😞
I’m confused. If my husband’s ex told him that she wanted to get back together 2, 3, 4 or 100 years ago, my husband would put up MORE boundaries with the ex wife and the shared vacations would be a total no-no . The caller actually has a valid reason to be concerned and I would be concerned why the husband didn’t put in place MORE boundaries after that. For her husband to gaslight the caller and say “why are you worried about what she said 2 years ago”. Is also rude and disrespectful to her. It’s not an appropriate question to ask and as a result, we will NOT be going on vacations together. My husband doesn’t trust his ex wife, BECAUSE she tried this crap on him before. She’s now remarried and they only email each other or ring if it’s about the kids and schooling or holidays etc… She doesn’t even come into our house. She’s a coparent and the kids mother. My husband and I have made our own friendship groups and they don’t extend to his ex-wife and her husband. We are all incredibly different people and that’s okay. The kids are loved and they are wonderful but you don’t need to pretend you’re one big ” happy” family. You’re living separate lives with seperate people and wasn’t that the whole point of a divorce in the first place? Look, get a long well for the sake of the children, but be realistic with your boundaries and decide what they are
This lady on this show is truly amazing and I’m in the exact same situation with husband and his ex wife, only difference is she had been controlling him over ten years after their divorce. So when I came in the picture she has now alienated his child from him and withheld his visitation all from jealousy of our relationship so I can completely relate to this guest. It sucks when someone is hurting a child and acting like a child.
I really don’t agree with John. How in the world can you think that you know how this can work if you haven’t lived it. I lived the exact same thing and she was a narcissist and wanted to control me as well. So for me. No go. Healthy boundaries should be established. Move on and keep the co-parenting as a business transaction. Never trash mouth each other to the kids – it’s destructive – set an example when the children are around. Put the kids first; and with that everyone has to be in agreement, because as soon as one parent or stepparent is not on board, it’s a mess.
I know something about these situations from personal experience. I am one of four children of divorced parents, both remarried to people who had not been married before and did not have children. People have to realize that when you marry a person with children, you marry into an already existing situation that is a given you have to live with and cannot change. My stepmother especially wanted my father but not his children.
I’m in a similar situation and wanted to reach out to my step daughters biological mom. The custody evaluator shut it down, told me I shouldn’t because it will be perceived as a threat to her. In my case bio mom has severe narcissistic personality disorder, alcoholism and BPD. as soon as I was in the picture she filed a false temporary restraining order so I couldn’t see their daughter (who I have a fantastic relationship with). It’s a mess
How can you say she not competing. He thew down the gauntlet put her on notice. My Ex still wants me. What if the tables are turned and said we have to now spend holiday’s with her Ex and family. Or better yet can me and kids go with you to you Ex wife’s house. I bet it doesn’t go well. Playing second fiddle is no fun this guy knows how to play it well.
My husband ex is 🤬. Recently she refused to stand with my husband and their son during his football game. (BTW she cheated on him) we’re thinking it has to do with her husband. (The guy she cheated with) She shows more interest in his kids and the kids she had with him. Their only daughter has confronted her about it. She rarely went to their school activities. At first I thought it was because of me. Her kids have said, it’s because of her husband. And when we were dating, she tried to get him back. After she ran off the guy. When it didn’t work. She took the guy back.
A lot of people don’t understand how this works. You, the step parent, never talk to the bio parent. If your husband is having you do any parenting, he’s the deadbeat. It’s his job to pick up the kids from the ex. Not yours. It’s his job to talk to the ex and coordinate with the ex. Not yours. The bio-mom has no legal reason to talk to you or exchange the kids with you. If the bio-dad isn’t available, he will lose custody soon enough and then that’s the end of that. Bio-mom hates you because you’re putting your nose where it doesn’t belong because your husband is a deadbeat. A good lawyer will end his custody entirely pretty quickly. My guess is the only reason he still has custody is because the kids want to see their dad and the mom is tolerating you for their sake. If bio-mom has right of first refusal, you can’t even watch the kids if bio-dad isn’t there with you for more than 4 hours. He’s the parent. Not you. He has all the responsibilities, not you. Anything you are doing is him not doing his job.
I’m in a very similar situation. I walked into a marriage where the co-parenting was advertised as friendly for the sake of my husband’s daughter. That was the surface. Underneath, the ex-wife was controlling, manipulative, mean, and emotionally unstable. She stalked me on social media in the name of wanting to know the woman who was caring for her child. That wasn’t true. She never asked to meet me. She was still felt free to communicate with all members of my husbands family and friends after having an affair and blatantly acting as though she did nothing wrong. She’d make accusations about how I was manipulating her daughter yet invited us to their house for parties. She treated my husband horribly by threatening more than once to take us to court and then whine on the phone about why we wouldn’t invite her to our home to see old friends. We eventually removed her from our lives. We hold no ill will. It was the best decision for our family and our daughter is thriving under the new environment. There are obvious differences in our parenting styles, but I’ve told our daughter that grants her lots of options for how she wants to raise her family later. Don’t be too hard on this woman. Divorce in most cases is evil IMO because of how damaging it is on the family unit. It is against Gods design. I don’t hide that fact from my daughter. While our situation is made beautiful only by the hand of God, it’s still ugly.
I feel bad for all of them. She has been fighting her whole life and doesn’t know when to stop. This will eventually lead to destruction wherever she goes. Her only hope is to finally stop fighting or she is going to lose him. She might even lose her own kids when they get older because they might want a calm influence and not a fighter. If I had to venture a guess, I bet she fought for the relationship with her first husband because she thought she was a failure if she didn’t fight for the relationship. But, soon she was fighting him instead. I really hope she gets help. Edit: I know people like this. There has to be an enemy to fight or there is nothing. Her husband’s ex became the new enemy.
The thing I’d ask of callers is to not respond with “yeah” or “right”, because they don’t mean it. And it also can mean they’re not really listening and they’re not comfortable with even one or two seconds of silence, which means,they’re not in the moment, they’re just trying to get their actions and feelings told and validated.
Oh my god I wrote a whole blunt/mean comment because I hate how this is affecting the kids but the more I listened, the more I could relate. I am an 8, and I have an ACE score of 7. My boyfriend is an enneagram 3 and he hasn’t taken the ACE test but knowing about his childhood I’d say it’s a 1. He doesn’t get it when things hurt and why they hurt. He does fight me though, so that sucks but yeah I am always at war. It fucking sucks. Ironically we also have a lady in our lives who is the sole topic of conflict in our relationship. There are no kids involved, but it is the thorn in our side and ugh it’s awful. I hope you figure this out. I hope I do too. Sorry for judging you
She described a normal and sane bio mom and ex wife. Someone that does a background check on you, being nice to the kids, invite you over for the holidays, agree to co parent and go on vacations so the kids can have both parents on their trips… it sounds like the caller is very jealous. He picked you, calm down and be happy. If it doesn’t work out, there’s more men out there
The wife came in to separate her husband’s family and he needs to divorce the wife. She’s trying to control the family and is more concerned about her feelings than the wellbeing of the children. They had established a co parenting healthy environment and her coming in with her dysfunctional background and judging isn’t good for the kids.
I get how she feels in terms of the husband and ex-wife spending time together. That had to end. It would be weird for my husband to spend time with a former girlfriend, wouldn’t it? Granted, he needs to spend time with his kids, and step-mom can’t be oppositional to that, but not together-time with a former spouse. That would be weird.
This woman is complaining that her new husband has a healthy co parenting with his ex? She sounds like a nightmare! Why is her husband even with her ? The ex wife isn’t doing anything wrong! This woman is jelous of her husband’s ex and I guarantee you she is beautiful and vibrant. End of story ! “Oh no this is isn’t happening ” Typical control freak.
Her husband is apart of the issue. The caller has to realize that she came into an already made family and to be more mature though. He has to establish the boundaries and respect his wife’s comfortability level. If the husband had no intentions of being with the ex wife again then why tell her that she wanted to get with him. The husband needs to exhibit more wisdom in disclosing unneeded info. Also, I would absolutely not want to spend the holidays at a woman’s house that there’s tension with.
She was with this man 2 years before getting married to him….she knew what the situation was why did she say yes to the marriage in the first place?? So now because she is selfish she is willing to ruin that nice atmosphere that his kids had with their parents? Wow. Sounds like he married the wrong woman and if this continues…..he will leave her and he should his kids deserve sooooo much better in a step parent.
She’s actually the wrong one here. She stepped into their world. Not them into hers. If she was uncomfortable from day one, she should not have married a man who is co parenting in a responsible way with his ex. She’s insecure and immature. And doesn’t she think the kids feel that her stepping into their life has changed everything that made them comfortable with their parents being divorced? There’s so much going on here. I don’t see this marriage lasting.
I am so glad I didn’t have kids, lol….If these people are so great why did they end up in divorce? Plus, she better listen to her gut feeling because she has seen this before somewhere. She will forever be in competition with his ex since she has made it clear she wants him back. She should bring her ex husband along and while they are all picking out pumpkins she can sit and chat with him, lol.
Most women are too jealous to allow their man to coparent well with their child’s other parent. Insecurity of women kills relationship, because eventually the father sees that the children suffer for the stepmother’s jealousy. Birthdays, holidays and school events should be able to be shared. That should be the norm. Sadly my children’s father’s 2 other exes did not allow that. My fiance’s kids got to enjoy holidays and birthdays with both parents, because they did what was right, and I respected that.
I don’t think the caller married into a situation where divorce and coparenting were all bliss and harmony. The ex-wife wanted to remarry, the husband didn’t. Huge tension already there. The husband tells the new wife about that incident – just like that, or to get support, to keep the ex away, but then why hadn’t he managed to keep his ex informed about his true feelings – that he was being happy for being divorced. These ex-relations seem too much like unfinished business both sides, and it sounds like crazy-making communication, patterns, of make-believe and “games people play”. Something seems false there and I feel there is a grain of truth behind the caller’s insecurity about what it all really means. It is time she could learn to trust her intuitions more calmly and with more self-confidence, and patiently sort them out without causing chaos, becoming frightened and driving good people away. It is a huge gift to be so sensitive and alert, but also a huge task to calm down and sort things out and test intuitions against reality. Not jumping to conclusions, but accepting to take time to analyze things and relations from a calm confident distance. A happy go lucky hubby might not have an ear and eye for all the nuances at play – so talk with a psychologist who doesn’t have to deny any of the nuances, but takes them into account – sees a nuanced, detailed whole picture, but still with many patterns to be correctly interpreted. I whole-hearted support that the caller goes to councelling alone for her own personal benefit, before making a pure-hearted attempt to reach out to her husband’s ex, for the best of all parties concerned, expecially all five kids.
People are being way too hard on this girl. She has absolutely every reason to feel the way she does especially since she said they do pumpkin patches together. That’s ridiculous and i’m so glad i’m not weak to where people convince me that stuff like that is normal. They can co parent of without giving weird undertones. Y’all love to say “be honest about how you feel” and then call people childish. No one wants to talk about how they chose to get a divorce so doing stuff together is literally backwards.
I read the title. This is why I never date men who have kids under age 20. I might not watch the article. There’s no solution. K, halfway through – She sees herself as less than because she is less than. She’s the second wife. She never gave her husband his own children. And she now leans on him to be the step dad to her first husband’s kid. What does this random male, one who doesn’t want to get back with the mother of his children, have to offer the next woman?
John is off base on this one. He just doesn’t get it and seems to be supporting the dysfunctional relationship of her husband and his ex. No they do not need to spend holidays together, the kids understand there are new families created and clearly don’t want the dysfunctional energy of having their mother compete with the new wife etc…
I didn’t like the angle of this conversation. There is so much mental and emotional manipulation that comes with being a stepparent and/or dating someone who is coparenting. It’s already an abnormal situation that all parties (including bio parents) have to grow to be comfortable with it makes it so the last thing the situation needs let alone the newcomer is someone agitating the situation with immature behavior… in this situation I’m referring to the mother not only running the background check but actually escalating into prying (digging into debt) which is extremely inappropriate in other circumstance but it can be dismissed as being a concerned mother … this lets the new person know that this bio parent will use being a parent as an excuse to overstep boundaries or have a lack of respect pls tell me where tf you’re supposed to be able to go from there? THEN, the man told his new wife the ex wife was just trying to get him back so that means there are still recent strong feelings there … outside of blended families and no children being involved pls tell me how the problematic person would end up being the new unsuspecting spouse and not the ex with active feelings? I believe that if people who are coparenting are incapable or unwilling to balance the situation between their coparenting and new relationship by providing a space of cooperation with their ex and exclusive security and intimacy with their new person (the new person is the only one required to adapt and change and be open minded) then THOSE TYPE OF PARENTS NEED TO REMARRY GET BACK TOGETHER AND/OR JUST NOT DATE OTHER PEOPLE.
This situation is sad. Unfortunately, not everyone is equipt to deal with blended family dynamics. And I think she is one of those people who simply shouldn’t be involved in this kind of marriage and co-parenting situation. I hate to route against couples, I just see her as unwilling to do what it takes to try
I wish my ex desired to be this involved. It breaks my heart to try to tell my kid that dad wont be at her birthday for whatever the excuse is this time. Unless something is actually wrong, and sorry but having complicated feelings about your ex before they remarried isnt wrong, stay out of it. You can be an addition to the kids life, or a cause of rift and youve chosen the ladder because of your own ex? Ibjust cant fathom it personally, do you have any heart for the kids you are now a step parent to?
He’s a big miss on These situations..he expects new partners to put all their feelings and wants aside for the sake of co-parenting. This person wasn’t co-parenting she was playing family. And “why are you giving her this power?” – because she’s a human being and this ex is omnipresent…anyone anywhere always would not want that.
Back in the day, people were given advice to those with young children who our divorced. Do not marry until they are out of the house. It takes attention away from the kids. I’m telling you if I was ever in a position there is no way in hell would I bring another man into the house with my young kids if I were divorced? I don’t care who that man is.
She is a child and is throwing an adult temper tantrum. He broke up a relationship that was working because she is jealous of what they had. She has every right to do what she did as a mother. She’s looking for reasons to defend her jealousy and childish behavior. She needs to go to therapy to deal with her issues. This isn’t about the ex wife its about how she feels about herself. She’s grasping at straws to defend her position.
If it works why would you want to wreak that for the kids. If they can be mature about it why did she ruin that. Her issues, she needs to get heip for how she views herself. It seems she the one who keeps changing the game. She seems she wont be be happy if she is completely out of his life. She needs to let go of trying to control everything and enjoy the peace. Let them teach her that she can be happy. I am a 9. Letting go is so peaceful.
The male animals part remembers me of my dad. We are a family of four, two daughters, and we had a bunny, female, and a cat, female also (and several female chicken). When the cat gave birth, by the way of acting of one of the three kitten, we thought that it could be a male. A visit to the vet later, turns out that they’re all females. That kitten was the favorite of my dad (both laying in bed perusal TV) and he clearly was sad (and had a bit of resentment toward her) for 4-5 days. Maybe one day they’ll get to choose a dog, a male one.
This women is not living in reality. The mom should do background on another women who’s going to be around and helping raise her babies. Honestly the kids came first and that couple was first. Having a co-parenting relationship where the couple puts the kids first. They can still celebrate holidays tighter and make memories together. This women needs to grow up she married a man who will always have a mother of his kids in his life. And thus this women will always be in her life too.
It’s as if these stepparents think the children and ex spouse are just going to disappear into thin air once the ring is slipped on before midnight! The children that existed before new relationship still deserve quality time with both parents they shouldn’t have to grow up abandoned and damaged because their parents changed partners. Sadly some parents prioritise their new partners maybe they shouldn’t have been parents…
Why would she rob those kids of such a good co-parenting situation? And moreover, why did that dad choose such an immature wife and allow her to break up the good co-parenting? Can I also ask why the debt wasn’t a red flag? If he had to hear it from the ex wife and the new girl was mad about it that should have been a full stop relationship ender right there. She even admitted that he is into Dave Ramsey so, knowing that, why would you not respect the man you want to marry enough for the debt to be the first thing you put on the table? Maybe there is more to that story. But yikes.
Don’t identify with my person like that, that’s what you want to do instead of hurting someone else. People who don’t agree to co parenting with other people are not child minded and immature, so please think carefully, I’m the same way, just let your partner leave me, I’d rather be divorced than endure the pain I feel once again I look like a fool
This caller doesn’t realize she’s the problem. They were co parenting great and you decided to put an end to it with out rebuilding something else positive. You just burned it down and expected no consequences? Of course it’s full of contention now. You brought a bunch of contention to the situation. This man was wrong to marry this lady. He should have seen the red flags in her controlling negative behavior. I’m not saying he should never remarry but this lady was not ready for healthy co parenting. It’s her way or the highway. I’d do everything I could to irritate her too.
I get that she was uncomfy with the whole chrismas stuff and i would probably not be a big fan either once i find out the ex wanted another chance. But to take that away from those kids is quite terrible. It doesn’t take evil people to do evil actions. And that was an evil action toward the children.
She came in and destroyed the dynamic instead of helping to make sure its appropriate 😮 and no matter what she can’t cross this woman out SHE IS THIER MOTHER smh this new wife is so jealous and she knows THE HUSBAND STILL HAS LOVE FOR HER . The GAG is this new wife literally is pushing the ex and her husband back TOGETHER…BECAUSE SOON as dad gets tired of this woman he knows he still has his EX and we all know relationships go through trials 😮 she said what the problem is SHE CAN’T CONTROL THE MOM and that’s what’s killing her
I read the title and sort of jealous that my SO and his ex cannot even be this sort of co-parenting level. I’m burnt out on being the primary parent but also the punching bag for their kids for ex wife by not being their mom. They’re angry I am mom to my biological kids. I’ve been co parenting with my ex for 16 years, with a lot of ups and downs in my experience. I’m the primary caregiver/parent with my steps. SO works 12-14 hour days. I perfer their mother would’ve be a part of their lives. Their mother was convicted of conspiracy of a crime in regards to enticing their children into murdering me. One of the kids reported it to their teacher. We have a permanent DV restraining order against her. I didn’t sign up to be a part of this yet I am there for them, it’s not their fault, but the out lashes from them are not mild descriptions of a baseball game, it is worse.I came from a strong supportive family system, it did not prepare me for the this kind of anger. My parents had a nasty divorce when I was an adult. My parents have never ever told me or my siblings to harm/kill our other parent’s SO. My SKs without contact build their mom into something she isn’t and try to be vindictive towards the rest of us because of it. They hinder their own happiness because they believe she would be happy by making themselves miserable. I miss weekends when they went with her, because of her behavior it is safer for them not to. So I deal with the aftermath for many years now.
He needs the ex to be a good, responsible mom to his kids, and for that to happen he needs to maintain a peaceful relationship with her.. The new wife’s emotional problems are interfering. She needs to go grey rock around the ex and his kids, just be there quietly and accept get-togethers on holidays or whatever. The new wife has walked into a complex situation and now wants her fairly tale Prince Charming to forget his ex and carry her off to his castle. Ain’t gonna happen, dear.
She is jealous and insecure. She wants control and can’t handle not being the one in charge and in control. As a step parent, she should never say anything negative about her step children’s mother. She should never even make a negative look when the ex wife is around because the children will pickup on it. The children will resent this woman. If they have to choose, they will choose their mom every time. She has got to put what is best for her step children first. She is not the coparent. Her husband and his ex wife are the parents. They are the only ones that should be making decisions for their children. She needs to be kind no matter what or she will be in turmoil all the time. Her husband will end up choosing his kids over this immature, jealous wife. I understand why she has insecurities because of her history, but it is not fair to the children. The children have to come first. She has to stop thinking about herself and putting the children first (which means that she needs to accept the mother of the children or it will never work.)
She needs to grow up… parents who are able to co-parent like this where neither parent misses any memories or experiences? And the fact the ex wife is seeing someone, and this callers husband has her, and they were still doing things together so that their kids see BOTH their parents doing this FOR THEM! Shame on the dad for allowing this girl to break up the best thing they were doing for these kids!!
One thing you will have to accept if you’re in a relationship with someone that has a child from a previous relationship is that they will have to co-parent. You dont want that, then find someone that doesnt have children. P.s. kudos to Dr John for using Greg Maddox as an example, the former Braves ace from the 90s and early 2000s.
My gf got mad bc she said her friend had a guy she was hooking up with and then the guy started dateing there other friend and i know the 1st girl has a kid so i asked if the 2nd girl had kids she said no i said well then thats why he picked the other girl to date and would only hook up with the girl with a kid. Now she is mad……boo hoo the truth hurts sorry
This has been made all about the new wife’s trauma but there is a way to co parent without playing happy house with the ex. It seems like they didn’t want to actually let go and she came in and made it more of a formal arrangement. Sounds like the new wife has a gut feeling that the ex wife is not over her husband and the constant exposure to her has her on edge.
My ex husband married a jealous insecure woman and just like this woman she broke up our family because she had no relationship with the father of her children and destroyed our coparenting relationship…it’s the KIDS who suffer from unhealed women…my children no longer have a relationship with their dad and mind you we were divorced and coparenting for SEVEN YEARS before she showed up…jealous women are dangerous
Then……..there is the second wife who never wanted children, never had children, married a man whose youngest child is 20, living on their own. All of a sudden, she gets a yearning to be maternal. She wants his children to call her “mom” which she never earned. Wants his grandchildren to call her “grandma” which she isn’t. She’s just the guys wife, not the mother or mother in law or grandpas wife, not their grandma. She didn’t want the job, never did the work to give birth & raise children, just wants the monikers anyway.
I think her jealousy has some foundation. Her husband dismissed her suggestions and or influence. Not to mention, she said something profound about how the EX wife speaks or talks to and about the girls. I have a feeling that the new wife has a strange guy feeling about the EX and her husband that don’t sit right, and she doesn’t know that it’s INTUITION. I’m glad the new wife cares for all those children.
Im having a hard time having compassion for this one. Shes something ill say that. Getting along n being able to vacation together sounds amazing! To have that kind of peace in life where ur not at odds with the ex… to have someone built in to lean on in times of need… to have that trust with someone… n she messed it all up for wut!? To have “control”? Come on. I would love to be part of something like that. It really just sounds wonderful n to have a bigger family smh… i really dont like this caller
With there being 4 adults in the co parenting happy gang, it would be more comfortable than some situations where the man and his new wife TAKE the ex wife and all the kids on big vacations. Thats tough. The poooor ex wife cant afford to do anything so the husband brings the ex for the kids sake. Hard for the new wife.
She can either work on herself and take Dr John’s advice or her behaviors and attitudes will destroy the relationship. Her demand that dual-parent activities stop has already negatively impacted the kids. Maybe she didn’t know how much she was still fighting due to trauma, but now she knows she has the responsibility to do something about it – even though her parents saddled her with this burden. Otherwise, she’s making a conscious decision to not do what is best for the kids and her relationship.