Parenting triggers are emotional reactions that arise when we encounter situations with our children that evoke unresolved emotions from our past experiences. These triggers can stem from our own childhoods, past traumas, or even cultural and societal influences. Certified Instructors Sandra Flear and Robin Setchko discuss how interpersonal neurobiology is teaching us about how early memories are formed, and how parenting can trigger feelings attached to difficult emotions.
Trauma ourselves shapes our reactions to our children’s behavior, and understanding the origins of our triggers helps us. If those memories were stored unprocessed, when your child yells at you or hits you, it triggers all those feelings of fear and feeling victimized that you felt as a child. Parenting triggers can also be physical hurt, which can cause parents to lose their focus and struggle to cope.
If you feel that past triggers are having a particularly detrimental impact on your ability to parent, seeking professional help can support you to develop greater resilience. Parents often face hidden triggers, such as not being heard, respected, or taken for granted. It is unlikely that a single aspect of parenting will prompt trauma recall, but the accumulative effect of change, challenge, and bodily deprivation can trigger these triggers.
A trigger often activates an old wound from our childhood, like not feeling heard or respected. These old wounds resurface when your child’s actions remind you of events from your past you may have tried to forget. Trauma responses don’t always result in immediate negative consequences, but they can be triggered by various factors, such as misbehavior, discipline, anger, grief, and grief towards your own parents.
📹 11 Oddly Specific Childhood Trauma Issues
In this video we cover: therapy, healing, imposter syndrome, mindfulness, procrastination, magical thinking, anger, grief, triggers, …
What is parental PTSD?
PTSD affects children’s emotional and behavioral states, leading to a heightened sensitivity to their parents’ emotional states. Symptoms of PTSD can include irritability, anxiety, depression, and emotional detachment, which can result in similar emotional or behavioral issues in children. PTSD can also alter family dynamics, leading to a decrease in family activities, less communication, and unpredictable mood swings. This can cause confusion and insecurity for children, who rely on stable relationships with caregivers.
The unpredictability of PTSD can strain parent-child relationships, making it difficult for children to feel close to their parents. Additionally, children of parents with PTSD may take on more responsibilities than typical, such as caring for younger siblings or managing household tasks. This can lead to stress and resentment, negatively impacting the child’s psychological well-being and limiting their carefree childhood.
Can parenting trigger PTSD?
Parenting can lead to mild, moderate, or severe forms of PTSD, such as severe colic in a baby, sleep deprivation, and the activation of “flight or fight” syndrome. A mother experienced PTSD symptoms after years of caring for babies, newborns, and toddlers. The anxiety and fixation she felt when asked to babysit her young children caused her to panic again. PTSD can take many forms, including returning home from war zones or experiencing a single shocking event or prolonged exposure to something that induces the flight-or-fight syndrome.
The body’s inability to process the difference between nonthreatening events and physical threats can result in PTSD. The National Institute of Mental Health defines PTSD as a disorder that can occur after any shocking, scary, or dangerous event, either after a single shocking event or after prolonged exposure to something that induces the flight-or-fight syndrome.
Can you get PTSD from parenting a difficult child?
Parenting a vulnerable child can lead to physical, mental, and emotional challenges, including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which are caused by sustained or repeated traumas. These conditions can affect parents of children with life-limiting medical conditions, developmental conditions, physical impairments, sensory impairments, lifelong conditions like Autism or Epilepsy, and those whose child has been severely injured in an accident. Although there is limited research on PTSD in primary caregivers of children with complex medical conditions, studies show a 4-fold increase in risk compared to the general population.
What is depleted mother syndrome?
Mom burnout, also known as depleted mother syndrome, is a feeling of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion, depersonalization, and lack of fulfillment resulting from intense child care demands. It is more common among women due to the disproportionate burden of parenting responsibilities on mothers, even when they work full-time outside the home. Symptoms of mom burnout include extreme feelings of exhaustion, depersonalization, and lack of fulfillment.
What is the most damaging parenting style?
Neglectful parenting not only impacts cognitive and academic aspects but also has long-term mental health consequences for children. Children raised in neglectful environments may experience low self-confidence, increased risk of depression, and mental health issues like anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and eating disorders. Physical abuse is often considered the first thought, but emotional abuse and neglect can have more significant impacts on a child’s development than physical or sexual abuse.
Research suggests that children who have experienced neglect may experience trauma levels similar to those who suffer from physical abuse. Both neglect and physical abuse can have enduring effects on a child’s socio-emotional well-being.
How trauma shows up in parenting?
The experience of past trauma-related self-doubt and shame can cause parents to feel anxious and insecure, thereby impairing their capacity to fully engage in the enjoyment of their parent-child relationship or to make informed decisions regarding their family.
Why am I so triggered by my parents?
Adult children may experience anger towards their parents due to various reasons, including strained relationships, neglect, unresolved childhood conflicts, parental favoring or disfavoring, or clashes in values. To address this issue, it is important to seek help when needed. Dr. Saleh, an experienced physician and leading voice in medical journalism, has contributed to evidence-based mental health sites to raise awareness and reduce stigma associated with mental health disorders. Keisha empowers women and adolescents through trauma-informed counseling in Palm Beach County.
Can having children trigger childhood trauma?
Abuse during pregnancy or early parenthood can have significant and long-lasting impacts. These memories can be painful or distressing, and during this life stage, they can resurface. The author, who had a very abusive mother, initially thought this was the past. However, when pregnant, they started reflecting on their childhood and the kind of mother they would be. This is because having a baby is a unique experience, and it is normal for us to draw on our existing knowledge and previous experiences to inform our expectations and perceptions.
This often leads to reflection on our own childhood, either consciously or unconsciously. This process can be both conscious and unconscious, highlighting the importance of addressing and addressing past traumas during pregnancy and early parenthood.
What is cold mother syndrome?
Cold mother syndrome is a parenting style that is typified by emotional distance, dismissiveness, and rejection, which frequently results in the neglect of a child’s emotional needs.
Why am I so easily triggered by my child?
Irritability in parents may be attributed to a number of factors, including stress, unmet expectations, unmet needs, or personal insecurities. Such feelings may indicate a need for self-care, which is essential for one’s well-being and not a selfish act. It is of the utmost importance to prioritize self-care for overall well-being.
📹 Here’s what to do when you’re triggered
This was immensely helpful. Here are my notes: #1 Emotional Delay (something happens during the day that should make you feel sad/angry/etc, but you don’t feel it until that night) #2 Rushing nowhere #3 Refrigerator Buzz Depression (Constant underlying depression) #4 Being Tired Is a Trigger (depression when getting tired, confuse being tired with failing, going to bed feels like you are alone or abandoned, being tired triggers us to feel sad so we try to keep going, FOMO) #5 Chameleon Don’t Mix (Able to adapt to others all the time, but missing our own identity; hiding coworkers that we don’t like from our friends; surviving trauma can be about keeping things separate) start to introduce others to each other, talk to yourself about what can happen if people meet each other #6 On the Spot Dissociation (Checking out when attention is put on us, Irvin Yalom, not being given any space, parents themselves are not comfortable being seen) find safe people to talk about your emotions, record yourself, dialogue with inner child about what happens to you when you need to be seen, be seen more and longer #7 Laughing about the pain (Too casual, joking about bad situations that have happened to you, inner child doesn’t know how to take things seriously since your parents didn’t take it seriously) be mindful of this tendency, start talking about what happened to you a bit more seriously, learn how to feel the anger and grief 7 types of toxic family systems #8 Crying valve (Either can’t cry or can’t stop crying, shut down and can’t access grief vs volcanic explosion overwhelming you with grief, 2 survival strategies: shut down or cry for help) EMDR, DBT for emotional regulation, finding support where you can talk about the numbness while staying present, dialogue with the inner child – what happens when you start to cry, etc?
So many of these feel familiar to me. I started therapy a few months ago and my therapist still needs to ask me why I’m laughing about something she finds quite disturbing. No one took my emotions seriously. I feel like I was just there to soothe other people – adults and children. If I was sad or wanted to set a boundary, I was a selfish girl. It’s quite hard to face all of these repressed emotions now. Thank you so much for these articles! They’re really helpful.
When you said “look at me when I’m talking to you” I noticed my heart start racing and that I started breathing much faster. This was something that was constantly yelled at me constantly as a child and teenager. I was painfully shy and just wanted to not be seen and so adults in my life were always doing this to me. I hated it. It was the worst. As an adult I really hate long conversations because of this and look for any means of escape because of it. I get clausterphobic when conversations get too long, especially when they are uncomfortable. I made sure to never tell me kids to look at me when I was talking to them. I just automatically knew this was so not ok from my childhood. I have just recently started talking about my childhood because I was embarrassed about it and I’m not young. I have a child who is struggling so now I have started speaking about it more.
“Chameleon but don’t mix” and “Certain friends can’t know about certain friends” really rang out for me. In HS especially but even afterwards, I prided myself on being able to move easily between different groups (although my class was not particularly cliquish) but realized that I didn’t really feel myself to be an integral member of any of them. Later, I also consciously made the effort to keep different circles of friends from even knowing about each other. I didn’t really consider the possible origins of these behaviors although I’ve long been aware of them. Another of issues that felt really familiar is ‘the waiting game’. I’ve got a list of things that are just waiting for ‘ducks to line up’ or ‘dominoes to fall’ and have been for decades in some cases. Thank you, Patrick, for this article. It might be my favorite of all of yours I’ve seen.
That sleeping thing is so spot on. My insomnia has been awful since I was a child and I never really knew why. I’ve always blamed fomo but I’m sure there’s a little part of me that needed to watch my back. Waking up to the grown-ups screaming at each other (or the very loud makeup sex) definitely messed with my nervous system.
Omg, the rushing to do things is definitely a factor in my life. I always feel anxious when I still have things on my to-do list, and can’t relax until they’re done. It even applies to things that are supposed to be fun, like going to a party or art show. I never feel relaxed until I’m home and alone or only with my s/o.
This is the first time I find someone talking about fear around going to bed/sleep. I have a severe case of that. Sometimes to the point of meltdowns. Also confusing being tired with being depressed or something being wrong with me. I am autistic with high masking levels and I’m usually beyond overstimulated by the end of the day, so it all adds up. Thank you for this.
I was fixing food and listening and relating to what he was saying almost in third person. Then when he spoke about not sleeping he said we feel like “we might be abandoned if we aren’t up” I involuntarily burst out in tears. It was like he set free a part of my brain that has been in survival mode since I was 4 years old. I knew I had abandonment issues but I never in my life wold have thought those same issues were why I’ve had this urge to stay awake my entire life.
“Chameleon But Don’t Mix” really hit home for me and shed some light on something that’s been bothering me for a long time. I’ve found introducing friends to each other EXTREMELY nerve wracking for as long as I can remember. I’ve always worried that it’s because I’m embarrassed of the people I care about on some subconscious level, but I could never even pinpoint a reason I would be. I was certain this meant I was just a bad friend somehow. Hearing that this can be a trauma response is such a massive weight off my chest I can’t even put it into words
I’ve often joked about the abuse in our family, and have quoted my mother, thinking what she said was normal. I wasn’t prepared for people to look appalled at the insane stoicism expected of us. It helped me realize that the woman who “othered” me all my life, and made me the family home, was not quite normal, herself.
The anti love family is what i grew up in and I always thought I was just an over emotional crybaby. It is both heartbreaking and comforting to know that it was not normal. If you ever do or have done a full article on that specific family dynamic that would be amazing. I think it would help my brother a lot as well. I hope everyone reading this finds healing
I met my dad when i was 8, and his family decided to have a get together and introduce themselves to me. (He had 5 siblings, there spouses and kids, along with my grandparents on that side.) I was extremely shy, i wasn’t completely comfortable with being around my dad without my mom because he was still a stranger to me. I’ll never forget the stress of my mom just putting me in the car with him and arriving at a home i didn’t recognize, filled with people i didn’t recognize. They just wanted me to feel welcomed, but i desperately fought back tears the entire time because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Im almost 30 and will never forget the feeling of being there without a single adult that i knew and could go to for a sense of security
I’m not even 10 minutes in because I’ve started crying…I’ve never been able to put into words how I feel and how I function, half the time I don’t even notice it myself but perusal this has made it feel so real, I feel like I’m being noticed and the means a lot from having nobody ever really understand or even attempt to understand me
It’s really hard for me to convince myself that “the grownups” don’t all know that I’m a complete fraud and faking my way through adulthood when you nailed every single horrible point in my childhood and trying to raise myself kindly is really, really hard. Every single thing you said from seeing them abusing animals as a toddler to rage meltdowns in the parking lot as an adult. Recently diagnosed with adhd and cptsd… I’m 52 and doing my best. Thanks for reassuring me that I’m not alone and I’m not on my own. It helps.
Your talk seems like it was meant for me… What you said really touched me as I’ve been struggling all my life with most everything you discussed! I am 69 yrs old and have finally realized how truly damaged I was. Of course my self reflection started in 2013 after I left my narcissistic boyfriend. I was a yeller who raised 2 kids alone and I’ve always hated that about the abuse I handed down to my children. I have tried very hard to mend their pain, but the truth is I caused them damage in a different way than I was damaged. I am so glad to have found your website and will continue to watch. Growing pains can hurt but are necessary to heal yourself. Thank you
My mother was always making fun of other person’s emotions, and of our vulnerabilities as children, it was kind of normal to me. As a teen, I realized other people found it weird when I did the same thing. Now I am aware of this tendency of mine, but I use sometimes this kind of “joking” about myself when I feel unsafe and want to create some distance for a moment. I never knew this was a sign of childhood trauma.
As a psych major, I thought a lot of this would be generic things I have already learned so I intended to listen to this article while working on something else. Immediately, I realized this is all unique information and gave this my undivided attention. Now I’m taking notes 🤷🏻♀️. Thank you for this!
Thank you so much for pointing out that not being able to connect to grief is not a sign of being a sociopath. I struggled with this one a lot after a death in the family, when everyone was crying and I felt absolutely nothing. For years I was wondering what was wrong with me, until I started learning about childhood trauma. Took me about 5-6 years to finally process that event and have a cry. But I still feel disassociating and getting “tough” when situations with difficult emotions arise for me personally or people around.
Emotional delay, hits me hard. Still does even as a middle age woman. Domestic violence was a huge part of my first 8 years. Definitely shaped me in ways that will always be apart of me in some form or fashion. Thank you for spreading this valuable information as many people still struggle in families that are just repeating patterns from their parents. 🙏🏿
This resonated so much with me. One of the saddest regrets in my life was thinking I was the problem but not realising until I was nearly 40 that it was my narcissistic parent. I inadvertently wrecked so many relationships because of ingrained behaviours caused in childhood. It’s devastating that I lost so many opportunities to find happiness.
i remember being a kid and having to meet with a person who wasnt a teacher and i remember them asking me to draw a picture of my home life.i drew a picture of all the little happy aspects i could scrape together and not the verbally/mentally abusive hell i was living in. even at 6 or 7 i knew if i told the truth nothing would happen for my benefit and my parents would find out i told someone what they were doing and my hell would be 100x worse.it didnt dawn on me till i was an adult that i must have been so broken teachers noticed it and asked a therapist to talk to me
I remember sharing a home with a couple of room mates… I was amazed & in disbelief that their parents came to visit & even brought them gifts & things…! I couldn’t imagine what that would be like… Having parents that liked you & wanted to be there to help you. (Interesting for me to observe how “loving” Parents acted)
Every time I watch you I cry so much. I identify with many of the topics you raise so I’m triggered drastically. I’ve been in therapy for years but I’m struggling. I suffered all of the abuses and can’t stop CPTSD. It comes in like a fighter and throws me to the ground just when I worked through the last episode. I’m nearly 59 and its gone on to long but I can seem to break the cycle. Thank you for being so kind and gentle with us. May you please take care and stay safe.
I “thought” I had a traumatic childhood and it really affected me up until I started reading other people’s stories about their traumatic childhoods and it was an eye opener for me! I thought to myself that I was being selfish almost, sitting here complaining about my parents who emotionally abused me and one, who when angry physically abused me but that is NOTHING compared to what others go through, being molested, being starved, tortured, I then realized my trauma could’ve been so much worse so I than became thankful (as crazy as that might sound) that it wasn’t as bad as others and realized that the trauma I endured made me the amazing, loving, compassionate person that I am today and that my trauma is the reason that I am a compassionate person today so it was time for me to heal and be there for others whom I can relate to and be there for emotionally and help them through their healing process, that’s what makes me feel joy inside, to see others heal from their trauma, take back their life, and find true happiness!
Sideways grief hits hard. I grew up in an extremely neglectful household. It always smelled very strongly of cat urine. When I went to a friends house and I walked in and it smelled like food and not urine, I almost cried. My sister experiences this as well. Because we grew up with food insecurity, if someone touches her left overs, she gets really upset and angry. I also panick when I think I might not be able to get a meal and i binge eat when i have the ability to eat. We also both hoard and hide our food.
It’s so sad how many of us had the same damaging experiences as children. Literally everything you talked about is something I struggle with. I had no idea how common my issues were! However, I’m so grateful that people like you study these issues and explain them along with solutions. Thank you for your time and expertise!
Communications with my Mom often is like reliving childhood trauma again and again. Also, interactions with siblings. We just don’t relate on an emotional level and struggle with intimacy. For many, their physical needs were pretty good and not emotional needs (Neglected). And you can attempt to discuss it but for the most part they’re oblivious to these underlying issues. Very frustrating! (Painful) The inability to truly listen and demonstrate empathy is like going to a well again and again then there essentially being nothing.
All of these resonated with me on some level, but what really struck me about #4 was, I was reminded of how I used to get irrationally angry with my husband for taking a nap. As I process my trauma and work on weeding out my own toxic behaviors, this was one that I never fully understood until now, because it didn’t matter what I was doing–cleaning, playing a article game, whatever–I would loathe the idea that he didn’t want to be awake with me. I feel like that stems very directly from a core belief about work ethic from childhood that, if you aren’t doing SOMEthing, then you aren’t being productive, which means you’re a bad person. There was always “work to do”.
You are better at this than anyone I’ve seen, after 1000s of hours of perusal people talk about similar. Aside from being gifted, you had to go through this to really get this as well as you do. I am sorry for what you went through, but I thank you what you have built from it. Thank you for helping so much!
Thank you for your enlightening articles. I am 30 years old and just now confronting my childhood issues. I thought it was pointless to try to overcome, that you can’t change the past, ect. While it’s true that the past is permanent, how it affects you doesn’t have to be. Thank you for opening my eyes.
Man, every single one of these hit me. The rushing nowhere has been a problem of mine for years and it was really cool to hear you explain it. My father always wants things done instantly and perfectly, so I’ve been hardwired to always be trying to do everything as fast as possible to avoid getting screamed at. I’ve had to train myself to consciously catch myself doing it and to slow myself down. The part about feeling guilty when you’re tired also really hit home. I used to get screamed at for sleeping any later than 8 am, even on weekends. Starting around puberty I was just constantly exhausted to the point where no amount of sleep was enough, so I really got yelled at a lot for being lazy. I used to have to find places around the house to keep sleeping in secret, like deep in my closet or under my study desk. Back in November at the age of 25 I was finally diagnosed with a neurological disorder that causes my extreme fatigue, especially early in the mornings, after a decade of being told it was all in my head and a ploy for attention. That weight felt like it was magically lifted from my shoulders when I received that diagnosis. It’s amazing how much you can heal from just a bit of validation.
im a 16 year old girl. i knew i had something wrong with me ever since covid. i felt i had these emotional breakdowns, that as i got older, adapted into a mix of panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. your refrigerator buzz depression is exactly what ive felt, and the causes are almost exact to my current and past experiences. im glad to have learned that im not just one person who has or has heard of these weird surges of depression when something unexpected occurs.
I won a pool match during a lock in (uk pub) and everyone cheered trying to lift me up and make me feel good, but I immediately had an anxiety attack. I hate being in the center of attention like that, I felt awkward so everyone else got awkward… I want to learn how to be okay with being seen. Thank you again, Patrick. This was all super insightful and helpful. Im starting therapy next week and your articles are helping me prepare for it by giving me clarity and a feeling of stability. Tbh I wish you were my therapist.
Thank you for this most helpful article. It’s so difficult to decipher between what’s hormonal and what’s trauma or if it’s a combination of both. I feel like at the heart of my being, I’m so sweet and kind, but the moment I’m overwhelmed even by the tiniest inconvenience (during certain times) I turn into this person I dont like and don’t even understand.
Time stamps: 1. Emotional Delay – 0:52 2. Rushing No Where – 5:00 3. Refrigerator Buzz Depression – 8:46 4. Being Tired Is A Trigger – 11:40 5. Chameleon But Don’t Mix – 13:44 6. On The Spot Dissociation – 16:05 7. Laughing About The Pain – 20:20 8. Crying Valve – 23:12 9. Glass Frog – 26:19 10. Sideways Grief Or Pain – 30:01 11. Waiting Games – 33:35
I had a very traumatic childhood where everyone in my family was physically abusive to me, including my older brother, and extremely self-involved and unsupportive. I am in my 50s and have terrible issues falling asleep, staying asleep, and occasional nightmares. I was also expected to hide my family’s dysfunction and behave ‘up’ all the time, sometimes leading to me over-sharing or over-talking. Thank you for explaining the origins of this, the hyper-vigilance I’m experiencing leading to the difficulties falling and staying asleep. You are very on point.
Abusive childhood neurodivergent mom here, trying to help my son who is neurodivergent as well as having only me to raise him. You said things that hit home. Chameleon, on the spot, even bedtime, laughing about the pain. Woah, bomb dropper here. I’ve no friends because of this. People freak when you overshare due to nervousness in beginning a new friendship. Holy cow. Thank you. Looking for therapist for me and my son, but starting by finding the words to use to find the right help.
I don’t consider my childhood traumatizing, though I did have unique issues, but wow that sideways grief hit me. I’ve tried to explain it to others as “hyper empathy” before, like suddenly I’d feel devastated over something very small and meaningless, when otherwise I think I’m pretty emotionally flat.
Being put in the spot, being seen even in the most basic situations had me completely frozen as a kid. I shut down when photos were taken. I had to force myself out of it over time and got over it in my mid 20s. I felt so trapped and people thought I was so weird. I recently started to understand it as really intense social anxiety. Last time I dissociated like that I had a supervisor who suddenly asked me to explain my job and our program to two students. I froze and couldn’t do it. I got super upset because she acted like my mother and just expected me to suddenly perform.
I’ve noticed that I really like when you call the things the hypothetical parents did “abnormal” or the things they said “trash”, since pretty much everyone I meet sees them as reasonable parenting methods, more often than not empathizing with the parents rather than the child. I always hated that, yet felt like I was somehow wrong, since literally NO ONE ever treated it like a bad thing or an issue. Whenever I’d bring it up I’d be greeted with “try to see it from their perspective” or “they did their best” yadda yadda (sometimes even stuff like “some kids deserve it” or “maybe you were being X”). Like if even I see it from their perspective, who tf is left to see it from mine? Yet in order not to be a “bad” or “selfish child” I always try to understand them, and even feel guilty for wanting to hold them accountable. Yet surprise they still couldn’t care less about how I feel. They gladly take the compassion I offer and enjoy their pity party, then quickly dismiss me when it stops being about them or I don’t allow them to guilt trip me into doing/saying/feeling something. Overall this article has been very informative and enlightening, I cannot stress enough how grateful I am for people like you, providing such great content. Thank you for providing a safe and compassionate environment for healing, while also empowering the viewers not to see themselves as weak, or deemed victims, but rather people unlearning shitty beliefs and relearning a more beautiful normality.
Very helpful… age 70 and still suffer quite a bit in spite of decades of counseling, meds, tons of self help, various churches, group programs and so on. I’d have been dead long ago though without all the work and help. I have little drive to try hard any more but when I run across good teachers I will listen now and then.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself, realizing I didn’t have a personality and developing one and also knowing that I experienced a lot of trauma…but hearing it all spelt out and being able to identify each one’s origins is bringing a whole new level of understanding to me. It also makes me really sad for my younger self. I really went through a lot. I just have so many sad memories. I had held on to the good memories tightly to avoid confronting the bad ones but one can’t skip the effects of trauma
Omg “you’re not a sociopath, it’s just trauma” hit really hard. I have a bad habit of over-intellectualizing especially with my mental health, but it all started when I was a kid and thought I was a sociopath because I didn’t feel anything. It makes total sense though when I was frequently told I was wrong about how I felt or punished/yelled at for expressing any emotions (at best).
When you mentioned Chameleon but don’t mix at 13:44, this one especially hit home, growing up with a narcissistic mother who lied compulsively so I was always struggling with cognitive dissonance between the lies she told my friends, her friends, our extended family, and then there’s me trying to keep up appearances with all these different identities she has thrown on me. 32 years old now and having moved out some couple years ago, I am undoing a lot of damage and man, I’m sure this resonates with a lot of people, but it is hard trying to find my identity again that isn’t just a trauma response.
Wow, I am 76 years old and have spent and invested in many hours on the couch, but this is the first time I have heard anyone present what’s really going on with me “under the hood”, and I score 10/10 on all points. The one that strikes me immediately is the coping strategy of being sarcastic and bringing humor into difficult situations. This is because my unconventional sense of humor has been a way for me to show “life” that I don’t take it seriously. Indeed, I have made a lifestyle out of being “unconventional”.
For the sideways grief/anger, one thing that helped me was learning through therapy that those emotions are not irrational. I kept trying to dismiss or belittle those feelings, seeing them as crazy. What sane person breaks down from a commercial of a family eating dinner? But my therapist helped me see the link and recognize that it’s never irrational, I am not irrational, I am responding rationally to experiences I never should have had and that I did my best to cope with.
my parents are very nice now, super chill and i don’t think they were always super limiting–but they both used to be terrifying even thought i loved them very much and i didn’t know that i feared them, until i feel those triggers get me to act odd, at fight or flight, and many of the things he mentioned in the article. i’m terrified when my dad is in a hurry, i was up past midnight when i was 6 to complete the japanese school curriculum and additional japanese practice on top of normal school work until 6th grade, bearing all the house chores as the oldest sibling, being threatened of getting necessities taken away as punishment, and being scolded at as i started to form more opinions because i started to grow and find my stance on things and constantly belittled because i’m too young and i don’t get it (which i understand, but come on) i didn’t have a terrible childhood, but i was an experiment for my parents as i’m the oldest and i feel the consequences of their actions every day as i become more aware of them
As someone with ASD, ADHD, and C-PTSD this cuts deep to the core. It’s a trifecta of difficulties navigating every different level of trauma associated with my childhood as an adult. Tackling every one of these issues and diving to the source makes my body go “cold” and the emotions become overwhelming. Thank you for creating this article because I am grateful. I just get an overwhelming sense I’m broken, attempting to reassemble myself without help. Here’s one thing I knew from when I was very little: I didn’t want gifts for my birthdays. I just wanted my parents to spend time with me and tell me that they loved me. “I love you” wasn’t the language used by my parents.
I follow you on Instagram and on here and I have to tell you how much you help me recenter myself and get back to healing, whenever I’m experiencing these overwhelming emotions I feel lost and as if I’m strayed from reality/purpose/the present moment/myself and it takes me some (long) time to get back to my senses and to keep going, your work helps me tremendously I have no words to say how thankful I am <3 much love from Brazil <3