To encourage your autistic child to do chores, start with making the bed and have timed races to see who can do it faster. Move to the next level with cleaning off nightstands or light dusting. Make organizing fun with colorful bins or a label maker. Dr. Himabindu Sreenivasulu recommends using a clipboard, a marker, and dot stickers to create a chore list of 10 chores you wish the child to complete.
Using clear, simple instructions and creating a visual schedule can help your child understand and remember the tasks. Encouraging your child with autism can help them grow independent as they grow. Keep a visual cleaning schedule by using visual schedules or checklists with images to represent each task and check them off as you go.
Find a partner who enjoys doing the more menial tasks while you put your OCD to better use rearranging cabinets. Create a chore list of 10 chores you wish the child to complete, either previously assigned or new. Subcontract chores by placing your child’s allowance in a jar on Saturday and setting them up for the morning, after school, and before bed.
If you live in the same house, sit down with everyone and ask for money for a cleaner if no one is willing to clean. Consider your child’s ability to understand how to complete a chore, including the variations and nuances of each task.
📹 ADHD and Autism Relationship Accommodations — How to Get Your Needs Met
We all have needs. We all need our relationships to help meet those needs. So…what if it can’t? This is where relationship …
How to get someone with Asperger’s to do something?
To communicate effectively, it is essential to utilize key words, intersperse pauses between words, minimize non-verbal communication, employ visual supports, and be mindful of the surrounding environment. It is advisable to utilise specific, repeated, and stressed words, and to allow sufficient time for the individual to process the message. In cases where appropriate, the use of symbols, timetables, or social stories may be beneficial.
Why do neurodivergent people struggle with cleaning?
Neurodivergent individuals often struggle with executive dysfunction, which involves difficulty organizing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This can lead to difficulties in planning, completing tasks, breaking projects down, and maintaining focus. Spring cleaning is a challenging task for neurodivergent individuals, as it can be more challenging than for neurotypical individuals. These individuals are often taught to ignore their needs to live up to neurotypical standards, triggering feelings of shame and guilt.
Anxiety is a significant factor in this struggle, as the less clean the task, the more anxious it becomes, leading to overwhelming feelings and depression. This spiraling executive dysfunction and negative feelings about cleaning make the task increasingly difficult and the emotions even stronger.
How to motivate an autistic person to clean?
Cleaning is a daily living activity that 74% of autistic adults in BC struggle with, according to a recent survey. This difficulty is attributed to sensory overwhelm, burnout, co-occurring conditions, and other factors. Techniques to tackle cleaning autistic-style include using sensory-friendly products, making supplies storage fun, keeping a visual cleaning schedule, using adaptive tools, task breakdowns, involving special interests, setting timers or alarms, and practicing patience and flexibility.
How do you get an autistic person to do chores?
This article suggests setting up chores for the morning, after school, and before bed, and setting a price for each chore to be paid to a sibling or parent if the child doesn’t complete it 10 minutes before leaving for school, dinner, or bed. This tool, called subcontracting, has been used for over 20 years and is particularly beneficial for ADHD, ASD, and defiant students. Parents often report that they don’t have to remind their children to do their chores because they know their siblings will see it and they will have to pay their sibling or a finder’s fee. The article provides more information on how to get children with ASD to do chores.
How do you motivate someone to do chores?
To optimize time management, it is recommended to create a weekly task list, delegate tasks to others, and allocate a day for housework-free focus on personal interests. Furthermore, it would be prudent to consider a part-time position that offers a sufficient remuneration package to enable the hiring of a domestic cleaner.
Does autism make it hard to clean?
Cleaning a room for children with autism can be challenging due to various factors, including difficulty with transitions and executive functioning issues. Perceptive sensitivities can make certain textures, smells, or visual clutter overwhelming, leading to avoidance behaviors. Transitions and executive functioning can also hinder organization and planning skills, making it difficult for children to know where to start or how to break tasks down.
To help children with autism overcome cleaning challenges, several strategies can be employed, including establishing a routine, breaking tasks down into smaller steps, using visual supports, offering choices, incorporating special interests, providing perceptive accommodations, modeling and scaffolding, celebrating progress, and being patient and flexible.
Creating a cleaning routine for a child with autism involves establishing consistency and predictability, choosing a specific time each day or week, using visual schedules or timers, breaking tasks down into smaller steps, providing support and guidance, celebrating progress, and being patient and flexible in adapting the routine to meet their changing needs.
How do you get an autistic person to clean?
Cleaning is a daily living activity that 74% of autistic adults in BC struggle with, according to a recent survey. This difficulty is attributed to sensory overwhelm, burnout, co-occurring conditions, and other factors. Techniques to tackle cleaning autistic-style include using sensory-friendly products, making supplies storage fun, keeping a visual cleaning schedule, using adaptive tools, task breakdowns, involving special interests, setting timers or alarms, and practicing patience and flexibility.
Do autistic people struggle with chores?
Housework can be a challenge for autistic parents due to their unique habits and executive function differences. They need to make deliberate efforts to complete tasks, which may require alternative strategies. This blog post discusses ways to make housework more manageable, suggested by autistic parents themselves. It includes general advice and approaches to housework, as well as specific practical tips for different tasks.
As autistic people, trying to force themselves to meet neuronormative standards of tidiness and cleanliness is unlikely to work. They may need to do things differently than others, and that is okay. Struggling with housework does not mean they are lazy or don’t care about their families. Struggling with housework does not make them failures or bad parents. The post aims to provide practical tips and general advice to help autistic parents make housework more manageable.
How do you make someone with Asperger’s feel loved?
The article provides five tips to strengthen a bond with someone with Asperger’s syndrome, a condition part of the autism spectrum. These tips include adjusting expectations, communicating mindfully, compromising, being honest, trying schedules, and taking next steps. Asperger’s is a non-autistic disorder, and understanding the social and communication characteristics of those with the condition can help navigate the relationship and improve the bond between the two.
Why don’t aspies initiate?
Autistic adults may struggle with understanding and reciprocating affection signs, which can be confusing and overwhelming. Some autistic individuals may also be asexual or aromantic, seeking partners with similar preferences. Touch avoidance is common in ASD, as autistic individuals may have sensitivities to touch, making hugs or kisses unappealing. However, they can also show great intensity with affection, which may overwhelm potential partners if they don’t understand it.
How to motivate a person with Asperger’s?
Autism, or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), is a complex neurodevelopmental condition characterized by challenges with social skills, communication, and repetitive behaviors. About 1 in 54 children have been identified with ASD, with men being four times more likely to be diagnosed than women. As individuals with ASD face challenges in their lives, such as job loss and education, they may lack motivation.
To foster motivation in individuals with ASD, it is essential to unlock their unique interests and passions, enhance their strengths, goal grade, provide personalized rewards, and empower choices. By fostering motivation, individuals with ASD can overcome challenges and achieve their goals.
📹 How to Deal with Clutter When You Have ADHD
Clutter is one of the hardest things for me personally. I move quickly and stuff ends up everywhere. I finally hired someone to help …
If I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, my fiance has been starting to just take note without me saying anything and just makes me a cup of coffee that he serves to me in bed to help incentivize me to get up. It melts me every time. He approaches something that is typically met with anger and resentment and yelling and treats it with compassion, which helps so much.
My wife has anxiety and some associated disorders. I have ADHD. Each evening, she makes a list of things that are absolute top priorities for her explicitly so that I can take action on them while she gets ready for bed. That way I don’t feel lost about what would actually serve her. Then we talk about what we’ve been feeling that day because I have trouble slowing down to check in with her. That helps her feel seen and cared for.
My wife is neurotypical, and one of the most useful accommodations is that she understands that when I forget things, is not personal. This has allowed me to feel safe when recognizing I just forgot that one thing she asked me, and instead of arguing, we immediately jump to what can we do now, what’s the best mitigation to the consequences.
I have autism and alexithymia – the line me and my (NT)wife use for direct communication is ” do you want it fixed or do you want understanding” . My brain always defaults to fix things, so knowing that sometimes she just wants to be listened to or cuddled meets her needs too and helps me understand situations I would otherwise get wrong.
This is actually a really hard topic. I was with a fellow aspie once, and i was so patient with him cuz i know how it feels to be unfairly barred. But there came a point in the relationship where I set myself down, I cleared my mind, and cleared my heart. I asked myself, his condition is one thing, but is he as a man trying? Distinguishing the two was hard, but I came to the conclusion that it was too easy to make excuses for him. Even more so than with a NT guy. To a degree, these conditions are something that we can work on and learn how to live with better. Just remember that you shouldn’t waste love, they have to meet you halfway. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our care
I have ADHD, and one of my favourite chores to do around the house is washing the cleaning the kitchen. Because my family has an Amazon Alexa in it, I can listen to Steven Universe and dance around while I wash the dishes and my brothers are cleaning up upstairs. My parents understand that I like to have time alone and since I have a hyperfixation on SU, they let me listen to it while I straighten the kitchen and whatnot while everyone else is upstairs getting other things done. It’s a small thing, but stuff like this really help me want to put effort into things and not just rush them. Another thing is the absolute blessing that my brother is. He’s neurotypical, but he’s just so empathetic that even though he doesn’t know what my struggles feel like, it seems like he does. My family had to make a really big trip the other day, and not only did he make sure that I had everything before we left, but whenever I was getting overwhelmed, he made sure to check in on me and make sure that everything was good, which literally means the world to me. He’s like my best friend, and I have no idea where I would be without him.
I have sleep problems, sometimes is just impossible for me to maintain a regular sleeping pattern. While I work on fixing it, an accommodation we have (since we have a two room apartment and we both work from home) is having separate rooms. Mine has a big bed, if I manage to get sleepy at night we sleep together in my room, if not, he has an individual bed in his room to sleep so I can use the night to do other stuff without bothering him
I can’t thank you enough for teaching me to handle my ADHD in a way my mom with degrees in psychology and social work (and over 30 years as a rock star CPS work) and even my therapist can’t explain. My anxiety is so much better just understanding my condition. I’m even speaking to a mental health nursing class next month at the local university! I was hoping to see a Chloe cameo!
Also audhd here. After my diagnosis, my nt husband (of 20 years) and I started having problems as I was unmasking. We ended up seeing a communication coach who specialises in nd/nt communication. It saved our marriage. Leaving this comment so others can know they’re not alone, it can happen to anyone, and it’s not hopeless. Edit; and I put this comment on the wrong article 🙂 I’ll copy paste to the correct article but leave it here too!
One of the really odd things with my time blindness is that I always think something someone asks of me has to be done NOW, and it can panicme or cause me to disengage fromt the conversation to start the task. My lovey wife helps me simply by STARTING with the time frame (eg. ‘in ten minutes could you..’ or ‘at some point today…’) and then asking me to do the thing. It’s a little thing, but it’s amazing how much less stress I have day to day because of it. Hoping this tip helps someone else, esp. considering we hit on it by accident.
I thrive on hugs, and a friend doesn’t, so I came up with a method of hugging (or took to her method of hugging, can’t remember which) – elbow nudges. One time I said, “Here’s your not-a-hug!” ….she grabbed me into a great big hug, and I felt SO. VERY. LOVED!!!!! I think I nearly cried in front of her because my perception of her disliking hugs and her perception of it was different, so the hug was one of the most pleasantly surprising things. 🤗
My husband and I both have ADHD so we have a shared google calendar that we put things in. We write down grocery lists on a white board. We overcommunicate about everything as much as possible. We allow ourselves and each other to say things like “I don’t want to talk right now” and “I want to be alone right now”. If I notice he’s hyperfocused, I’ll try to get his attention before talking to him instead of assuming he’s not listening. If I’m having trouble with my emotional regulation or rejection sentivity I’ll just tell him I’m grumpy or hurt. It’s a LOT of talking about things.
My husband has Aspergers and ADHD, I have ADHD. We were both diagnosed within months of each other and our relationship is so much better for it. We understand ourselves and each other so much more now and don’t get quite so frustrated with each other’s “flaws”. Neurodivergent relationships just need patience and understanding. It’s not always easy, but having someone who just GETS you is priceless.
My human DOES bring me my meds – I have to take my transplant meds every 12 hours, and right now that’s 6am and 6pm. If I were left to my own devices, I’d miss that 6am pill every morning because I’m a Night Owl. He’s an Early Bird, and leaves fpr wprk at 6am – so the last thing he does before he leaves is wake me up enough to take my pill. I can then go back to sleep. 🙂
I have ADHD and my husband has autism. We were both only recently diagnosed. We have very different needs, and it took several years for us to find a balance between meeting each other’s needs but not over stepping the boundaries that our minds and bodies have naturally set. But nearly 12 years together and we’ve got it down! And I think that now knowing why our brains think and act and react how they do will help us even further. 🥰
Ohh!!! I’d love to see a article on our strengths in relationships! My partner and I try to look at things equitably, i.e. we don’t need to do every single thing in our relationship equally or 50/50, but overall, we do the same amount of work in our relationship. We look at what both our strengths are, and what we value as a couple. I will never cook or clean the dishes as much as him, and I don’t have anything to do with our joint finances (he honestly loves doing spreadsheets of our collective expenses)…BUT, I also bring a lot of emotional labor/repair skills into our connection. He still does work around cultivating those kind of relational skills of course, and I do do some cleaning and still transfer him money for my share of expenses, but I love that we’re able to look at what we’re both good at and go from there instead of needing to do everything the same. It’s liberating!
Awesome article! Me being the ADHD brain and my partner being autistic has definitely posed it’s roadblocks. Physical touch was a huge one for us to since it’s my love language and for him light touch makes him squirm. That was a really hard one for me to cope with especially with my rejection sensitivity. I felt so deeply hurt when he would pull away until he said to me ” I can feel your anxiety through your hands” I didn’t realize because I was anxious of his rejection, it was only perpetuating him feeling that anxiousness. Instead of him not feeling anything, he was feeling too much. So now I know confidence and personal space are two things I’ve had to grow to learn. And touching things or animals is a way to occupy my mind ( 3 cats help lol). But he loves when I scratch his back or give a firm massage, so that’s the way we have adapted to our needs. Now he will seek out my affection because we found a way that works for us. Wasn’t easy, but we both loved each other enough to figure out a way to make it work.
So, a small accommodation I ask for that feels like a really big one? The ability to multitask while having ‘serious’ conversations (or any, really). My friends get it, bc most are NDs too, but my romantic partner used to get really upset by it. Assumed I wasn’t listening, which I totally get (he has his own painful associations with being ignored). One way I’ve accommodated him is by giving him space/time to process during conflict. I process most things reallyyyy quickly, and my ADHD brain needed to get a handle on the fact that most people need time to de-activate and process; him not understanding something right away (within hours) wasn’t a sign of him not caring. Seems obvious, but it wasn’t to me!
😭🤕😭 This topic highlights what is probably the biggest reason I wish I had known I had ADHD earlier in my life, instead of perusal the best things life gave me just fall apart over and over and over again. Better late than never? I can honestly say now I feel like there’s hope for me, after having lost everything and everyone, and literally and completely giving up because there were no answers. Thank you for that Jessica. 🙏🖤🙏 It has been your website that had the words and insight that clicked everything in place and made the world make sense for the first time in 43 years. Turns out I’m not just another savage after all! 🙏😭🤘😭🙏
My partner is patient with me when I experience mental overload and knows that its usually because I have not eaten, I’m overwhelmed with responsibilities, or I haven’t had my coffee. He is understanding and instead of judging or yelling at me, he watches our kid for a while and reminds me to take a break and take care of my needs before pushing through what is causing me stress. After I calm myself, he gently insists that I talk through what was hard for me and make a plan to take care of myself (drink coffee, eat, etc.) next time before It gets overwhelming. He may not always understand, but he does his best to hear me. I may not want to talk things through due to feeling embarrassed or ashamed for my melt down or feeling like my brain doesn’t work the way I want it to, but him encouraging me to talk about it makes me feel supported and heard and avoids future issues. He is great. <3
As an ADHD individual with a high functioning ASD spouse, there are tough times we’ve had in our marriage. My MIL has always made herself available to us as a mediator in a healthy and helpful way. I’m convinced that she has played a huge role in keeping us together when our communication and skills break down. Along with therapists and a housekeeper, family is the big angle in a trifecta of accommodations that keep us going.
Good article. One of the things I liked was how too often people draw the wrong conclusions about apparent “lack of effort”. Often someone who appears to lack effort is demoralised, has a history of failure or rejection or hasn’t been given clear instructions on what to do. Genuine lack of effort more often comes from someone who knows how to do an activity, is clear on what they have to do and thinks they are unaccountable, perhaps because they are in a position of power.
My bf is a teacher’s assistant and works with special needs kids, and he has incredible patience. I’m so blessed! He’s calm and patient with me when I freak out/have a RSD episode ( as I call it), anxiety attack, or just get overreactive due to hypersensitivity. My ex turned out to be a closet narcissist and essentially threw me away, so I’m getting used to trusting again but each and everyday, I’m getting better.
My ex and I both have ASD, but we still had different needs. Physical touch and affection for me is stressful when there’s other stuff going on, or sometimes just in general, but he loved physical touch. I needed him to better express how he was doing/his needs/empathy, and he couldn’t do that well. Thank you for this article.
The best aspect of relationship accommodating for my adhd is when my partner lets me know what is the most important things to him that I don’t forget to do around the house. I make sure I do those things and then the other stuff I do at my own convenience. This makes him feel like I am considerate of his feelings. I don’t feel obligated to do stuff that he doesn’t actually care about. It’s helped out our relationship…. Now to make him communicate things the way I want/need/ don’t get annoyed by! Haha That’s the next challenge 😏
This is the first article uploaded since I subbed. I found “How to ADHD” through your Ted Talk on ADHD, and immediately felt, not only at home but fresh cookies were in the oven lol. I was diagnosed with ADHD very recently in early 20s and after struggling in school my entire life, with out knowing why, I thought I was just dumb, and even after my diagnosis I had difficulty shaking that feeling. However, after perusal your content and listening to you, I’m finding I relate to your articles and those in the comment section more so than anyone I met in my life. After feeling so confused for so long I finally can start anew. Thank you 😊 I usually don’t share too much but this article is brilliant. My parents definitely could have used the information in the article to help them many years ago.
I’m autistic. Previous relationships fell apart because I couldn’t read my other partners needs but I know realise it was a two way street. I’ve always been upfront about my needs including I will say I can’t read subtlety, I can’t tell what’s wrong I need you to tell me when something is wrong. I kept trying to accommodate their needs and they felt smothered. My current relationship is actually going really well. We spend just 30 minutes cuddling on the couch and having this moment of calm together let’s us talk about things that are happening to and around us in a calm efficient manner.
Thank you for this!! I am autistic, my partner has ADHD, and I follow you for what I consider “lifehacks for mastering my brain,” even though I don’t actually have ADHD (but I relate strongly to the autistic neurotype of Pathological Demand Avoidance). It’s really cool to see some autism-related content on your website! I love and hugely appreciate your neurodiversity-positivity. 🙂
My partner and I both have ADHD, and we find we struggle in different ways, but through everything we’ve really worked hard to balance each other out and make accommodations for each other. Honestly, I’m really glad I ended up with someone who is also neurodivergent because we understand each other very well.
I’ve got Adult ADHD for years I lived without medication and thought I was coping until I fell in love and moved in with a woman without ADHD and realized I’d structured my life around my disorder and that doesn’t necessarily work will when you insert someone into your organized chaos. So I’ve decided to seek help and to get back on medication because my disorder was negatively effecting my relationship in a HUGE way love your content!!!
Watching these articles really makes me realise how much I wish highly giftedness is also seen as a neuro divergency and treated as such. There’s so many struggles that come with being highly gifted that very few people know about, and because of that were often overestimated/misunderstood. (One of the reasons I figured this out btw is because so many articles from this website were super helpful for me and I only realized later that that’s because highly giftedness and adhd have a whole bunch of overlapping symptoms! So thanks for these awesome articles!)
My brother has Aspergers and I have ADHD, we work together a lot on writing because we both have ideas we want to bring into the real world. . A problem that arose is that I thrive on feedback and interaction when talking about my writing, he’s a rather quiet person. So I’ve started this habit of asking him to elaborate on things so I know he’s listening and paying attention. It’s working really well and we’re getting a lot done.
This is awesome with you bringing in Chloe at the end. Service dog training for the win! This is definitely a big help because I’m more of an out of sight is out of mind. So I have to keep my laundry basket where it will be seen or I’ll forget to do the laundry. I don’t hate doing laundry – I tend to have a tendency to forget stuff.
Your articles were some of the first I looked towards when learning more about ADHD! Thank you for sharing your experiences, they help A LOT in my relationship. Lots of reminders for my boyfriend are necessary, reminders that everything is okay and that we’re doing great as a couple. I also have been told to get his full attention before starting to speak at length because he might miss some things when he’s focused. I’ve just kinda learned not to get frustrated because it must be difficult dealing with ADHD and in anyway I can help, I’d rather do so than lose such a beautiful soul <3
I have extreme body fatigue when I wake up because of my ADHD, so I usually get ready by having my meds out and beside me with water for the morning. But sometimes, when I get them out at night, I forget that’s why I’m taking them out, and accidentally take them, my boyfriend witnessed this twice when I was at his place and said from now on he’ll take them out for me so I don’t accidentally take them and end up not being able to sleep well once they kick in, super sweet of him!
Your website may have just changed my life. I’m 27, I just saw your TED Talk and I cannot thank you enough. Your life and mine had some bizarre parallels, I’m 27 and I’m now at the point that I’ve dropped out of college and moved back home. Oh my god, you might have just saved my faith in myself. And yes I’m typing this comment while the article is still playing. I will rewind 😅
I just found your website and this is so helpful and eye-opening. My husband has ADHD and auditory processing disorder, and we are always looking for ways to understand each other better. I’m on bedrest for pregnancy complications, and it’s really throwing off our normal dynamic. I’d like to use this time to learn more about the way he thinks and expresses himself so I don’t get lost in my own head about things. I think this website is going to be so helpful!
Oh wow! You posted this article at the perfect time! My partner and I just had a big communication struggle that evolved into an argument and I’m on YouTube searching for ways to help us. What do I find but this! My partner has ADHD and I’m on the spectrum and both of us have been recently exploring neurodiversity more so we totally have this issue sometimes. Thanks Jess!
Love the Linux in a Windows World reference. I’ve been using Linux for over 8 years and once you understand it you’ll figure out it’s way better than Windows. Same deal for those of us with ADHD. Once you figure out how to “use” us you’ll see we’re way better then the Neurotypical “Windows” folks at some things.
This is EXACTLY what we are going through right now. We moved, and it ignited my ADHD in a way I never experienced. I lived in the same house for 20 years, my mom had a place for everything and I had a routine. It’s been a year since I moved and my house is a disaster. I’ve tried so hard to fix it that it literally sent me into a complete emotional breakdown. I thought I was going to have to hospitalize. I still have trouble but my partner started putting things in places and helping me.
Interesting! I’m at least somewhat Asperger’s, non-diagnosed. I remember I used to get frustrated that my ADHD partner wouldn’t know how much longer it was going to take to finish work, which meant I’d be parked waiting for her outside her work for up to an hour nightly, even after she’d given me the go-ahead to come pick her up. She will remember to do the household chores triggered by something visible, like cleaning up the kitchen. For the ones that are scheduled, we have a little mini update each weekday after supper where we decide what we’re going to do that evening (or else we’ll just play article games as default). This helps to remind her of any chores she has left to do that day. I’m definitely somewhere on the spectrum and I’m an obsessive planner, so she’ll commonly say on a weekend morning “what’s your plan for today” and then she’ll add what she wants to do (and I make a point of not over-scheduling us). I’ll prompt her to work on her stuff later in the day. I like to refer to it as her CPU not having enough interrupt cycles, so I just use mine to interrupt her brain and refocus it. On my side, I tend to get “task oriented” and she used to interpret that as me being upset because I don’t tend to let myself be distracted by anything like social niceties. XD I also tend to walk more quickly and rummage through things with purpose, which can be like the actions of someone who is angry and trying to let you know it subtly. But she knows that if I was angry, I’d just tell her and we’d work it out.
My husband and I are ADHDers who really big on “progress not perfection”. So we regularly sit down and talk about things we are doing to try and make everything work better, and what the other person can do to help with that goal. We also have a house cleaner come once every 2 weeks to make sure that we can cut back on the overwhelm of the daily tasks we might miss.
My best friend and I struggle when feeling strong emotions, because we want really different things as responses to those emotions. So we made a spread sheet, to help up remember how react to the other person’s emotions in a way they find helpful! It’s like a reminder cheat sheet. My best friend also has alexithymia, so we got an emotion wheel that he can look through to help him identify what he’s feeling.
I have adhd and had since childhood. My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and he still doesn’t make accommodations for my adhd, bipolar disorder, ptsd, or episodes of disassociation. I guess back in 98 when we started dating, I didn’t know I had any illnesses so he didn’t know to make accommodations. I didn’t know he was supposed to make any either. It’s not always been rosebuds and chocolate for us, and the majority of those not so wonderful times were due to my illnesses, but we are still together. Still very happy, still very much in love, and my point is that, accommodations for our adhd are great. But we CAN survive in relationships, work, and school settings without them.
I love this article. I have ADHD and my boyfriend has high functioning Autism. I’ve watched your website for years after my mother discovered y’all, and it”s been a life changing time. I always tried to work against my ADHD, and now being with someone with both ADD and Autism, it’s been a huge struggle. Thank you for this article <3
My partner and I both have ADHD, but I’ve been diagnosed and receiving therapy for longer, so one thing we’ve struggled with is that I have more tools at hand to express why I’m having an issue with something, and she still gets stuck in the ‘frustrated with herself for not “just doing it”‘ stage, which makes her defensive because she’s already attacking herself. For a while at the beginning of the relationship, I tried to be her second-hand therapist because I thought that’s what the best/nicest/most helpful thing would be, but it ended up going down the same route as parenting a partner, and we both got kind of resentful. So now when I see she’s struggling, I share a story of when I struggled with something similar and what I did that worked for me, and then she takes a couple days to think about it now that it’s been pointed out gently (instead of as a perceived ‘attack’), and comes back and we talk about ways to cope with it.
My husband is neurotypical-ish (he struggled a lot in childhood but has found internal and external mechanisms to where he no longer meets criteria) while I have ADHD. One of our strengths in our relationship is communication, and he’s been great about helping me help him maintain the household. One tool we’ve found helpful is the Rocketbook planner (omg y’all, I have a serious addiction to Frixion’s erasable pens and highlighters with and without Rocketbook’s reusable format): we sit down in the morning over breakfast and make our plan for the day, every day. It’s a nice routine that brings us together and visually helps prioritize— which is a huge help for me!
We have kind of naturally made our own accommodations without even realizing it. We write things down that need to be done around the house. I’m the one with ADHD, so I write things that I want him to do so I don’t forget to tell him, and he writes them for me because it keeps me from feeling like he’s nagging me. It helps our marriage tremendously when we do this, and when we fall off the wagon for a while, well, it doesn’t help and fights usually ensue.
I just got my ADHD and autism diagnosis yesterday at age 31. I suspect my fiance has the same things going on bc honestly he is the only other person like me Ive ever met which is why we got so close. Due to that we have a lot of struggles. We have two children, and it seems like everything in life is a struggle. Recently with therapy we’ve started writing things down to communicate so there is less nagging, implementing positive ‘argument” techniques, and trying to write out manuals for things that help us take care of eachother, kind of like how you had to assess yourself and find ways Chloe could help you.
Omg makes me so happy to see your adorable service pup! I have ADHD and my cat is truly amazing at keeping me calm, happy, and giving me an incentive to get up and do things. Even when I’m struggling with regular chores I’m always able to do the things needed to care for her because she always cares for me in return
It’s so cool to see you include other neurodivergent minds in your articles! One of the most helpful things for me has been realizing I’m not the only one who struggles and there are others like me and that we can all share our experiences to support each other! I’m so glad I found your website and this awesome community 🙂
beautiful reading the comments and seeing so many people who have found ways to meet their partner half way. i figured out i had adhd a few years into my relationship and my partner has been so understanding and patient while i figure myself out. she is so willing to listen to me and understand what frustrates me/what helps me do stuff, as i figure it out for myself
My boyfriend has ADHD and I find that it’s very difficult to communicate with him the way he could understand what I really mean as he mostly takes it personally without having patience to let me finish my lines. I’m HSP and also have to deal with my own depression. I know that he loves me but I’m truly not sure if this relationship would last 🙁 Thank you so much for this article. I hope he could have a chance to watch it.
I really like the operating system metaphor for autism. I’ve been using a language proficiency metaphor lately—we might become fully fluent in neurotypical given time and good resources, but we’ll always be more comfortable in our native language, we’ll always default to thinking in it, and we’ll always spend just a little less energy on every word we speak in it. It’s just the natural structure our brain has developed for perception and communication.
Literally just started perusal this today after seeing it recommended. I’m crying already because I feel so seen right now. There’s a lot that I’m starting to understand about my condition that was never explained to me and I just never knew. Not to mention that I found out as an adult because my parents believed that ADHD was not real and just diagnosing kids for being kids.
Thank you, I am very grateful and lucky at having found a spouse who were able to communicate with me in a way that we organically has figured out our respective needs and accomodations over time and keep figuring them out as our relationship itself grows and adapts to new circumstances over time. And you, Jessica, has, through your articles, contributed to making that work even more natural by introducing useful descriptive concepts as tools in that communication. Thank you <3
I have ADHD (I was diagnosed as an adult today YAY!) and my partner has Asperger’s. One accommodation we have is for communication, since we both have different styles of communication; I prefer to infodump throughout the day and they tend to prefer a style of communication in a less verbal format. We accommodate by having quality time before bed (which is a time that happens every single day no matter our schedules), and utilizing chats which my partner finds to be much easier to communicate. Recently I started working night shift as a school accommodation, and we quickly adapted to talking in the mornings in bed instead.
I think this is probably one of the most important articles that you’ve done regarding accommodations. I never even thought relationships could use accommodations like this, and I think this will be such a helpful tool for so many people trying to both navigate a relationship and living with ADHD. I know I will want to refer back to this article for any of my relationships, platonic or romantic, moving forward. Thank you so much for the info!
When Dr. B said “now, we may learn tricks for interfacing with Windows, and communicating better”, I cannot tell you how badly I wanted him to say “like Wine!”. Linux jokes never fail to amuse me! That said, this was actually a really helpful comparison to be able to articulate it to myself and others. TY as always <3
I got diagnosed with ADHD and ASD last year. I believe my sister (and dad) forgets I’m not the neurotypical person we both thought I was. Change is hard, I know, but it hurts when she continues to express frustration or scold me for things I can’t control. She’s one of the reasons I’m too scared to date.
This is a great article that talks about things that could easily be quite serious or tedious, directed in a positive and productive direction. I enjoyed it so thank you :3. I accommodate my neurodiverse partner by being cognisant of what Dr. B mentions about misunderstanding actions and/or intent. I actually learned this from my partner (the smartest and most awesome dude I know!!) that even in neurotypical relationships we end up in hot water simply because we don’t think about the intent of our words/actions or lack thereof. I accommodate by improving my own communication skills and being more aware and understanding things as they are and I don’t jump to conclusions just because that’s what makes sense in my neurotypical brain. Honestly, it’s not accommodating ‘cos it only makes me a better person too and I think anyone could use that as a great life skill!
My boyfriend is the most patient and caring person ever and he goes out of his way to meet my needs. It is SO helpful and I never stop telling him how much I appreciate it. I think what genuinely helped me the most was starting to live together 3 weeks into our relationship (finding time to see each other was too hard). 3 years later and we’re getting engaged soon 🙂 I love him so much, he truly changed my life for the better!
Just wanted to drop a comment and say how much I appreciate your articles and your insight. My husband has ADHD (a recent diagnosis at 34). My husband has a hard time articulating what makes him tick, how his brain works and how I can help. I’ve been with him for 15 years now and we are married with 2 children. We live in a lot of clutter and chaos and my brain goes nuts most days. Essentially since perusal your articles, I’ve gone from being resentful to sympathetic. Your articles explain the why behind the behaviors and I’m trying my best to adapt, help and be supportive. Thanks for your content. You are very valuable! Keep it up!
A BIG thank you from Montreal, Canada here! I discover you recently in my research to do a blog about ADHD and I am officially a HUGE fan. I am a fellow brain ADHD myself and I have struggled with relationships all my life. This article is really helpful and reminds me that I need to be less intense with the guys I meet. You look so happy in your relationship but could it be possible to have tricks for the single community too? just wondering! Anyway, congrats for your show it’s amazing! ☺️
This is so helpful! My bf has autism and I have adhd, so i understand how difficult this is. Thank you for covering this topic. It’s very challenging bc I’m impulsive with my emotions and my bf seems distant or uncaring but it’s bc he doesn’t empathize like everyone else. These articles are so important and helpful!
Hello! Your articles changed my life, and here is a question you can really help with. What about ADHD and gaslighting? Adhd have memory issues and gaslighting is a manipulation technique that makes the person question their memories and reality, so adhders would be even more vulnerable, because by default they will question themselves. So how could they detect it and deal with it? How to be very sure of ones own memory? Any research on that? I’d be so grateful if you make a article on that!
I’m extremely impulsive and have trouble regulating my emotions. I’ve gotten in trouble many times. They’re such quick reactions that my husband usually doesn’t have enough time to stop me until it’s too late. 😅 My husband has told me that he sometimes feels like he’s with a child. I’ve improved, and he truly appreciates me for that, but they are very difficult to manage and it is painful knowing that I’m involving someone else in my mayhem. 😂 Arg Good Luck Everyone!
Would it be possible to expand on this topic and figure out the other side of the equation as well? Relationships are about understanding and compromise between both people, not just one of them. So what can we ( Those with ADHD, Autism, Alexithymia, etc ) do for our partners that is almost like a reverse accommodation? The article is great and goes over how to get the needs of the one with the with the physiological impairment, but how do we reciprocate? How do we also work on meeting the needs of our partners? What would those tips be?
Having an open relationship is really helpful for me. I have ADHD and my primary partner mostly likely is on the autism spectrum. We’ve struggled with physical intimacy, because I have a high need for it, but he gets overwhelmed and claustrophobic with that stuff a lot. He is still able to meet my need to an extent, but knowing that I don’t have to get that just from him has significantly help my RSD response to his boundary needs.
My sweet husband sat down with me the other day and said, I know you can’t function well without being able to see everything and have piles but I can’t function with this many either it keeps me from relaxing….and just the act of him being so understanding and not mad almost made me cry. Just knowing I am not “doing it on purpose” but then we were able to start working on solutions and compromises.
One of the the things I’ve asked for in my relationship, which looking back now of course it’s an accommodations, but I’ve asked that my partner make an effort to verbally acknowledge the work I do around the house. I even explained it to him in the sense of needing it for motivation because of that dopamine/motivation relationship. I’ve taken CBT and put stock heavily into Meyers Briggs personality types. He’s definitely a T (Thinker) and I’m an F (Feeler) and he needed the prompt/request because he didn’t even think it was necessary.
I have ADHD (undiagnosed until I was almost 40) and so does my now adult daughter (diagnosed in kindergarten). I always excelled in school, but now I finally understand my strange “study habits.” My ex-husband was abusive. He would tell my daughter to “act like a normal person.” To him, any symptoms I showed were evidence of my deficiency as a wife, mother and human being. Accommodations, for my daughter, were me “making excuses for her.” I’m now seeing a very patient man I’ve known for a long time, who gets it, and me. He’s helpful, non-judgmental and supportive. He acknowledges my challenges; is encouraging; and helps with accountability. I feel both accepted, and appreciated for what makes me unique. My best relationship advice, to others (NT or otherwise) is just be yourself, and communicate.
I accommodate the neurodiversity in my marriage by not having my needs met and being an emotional support animal/administrator. Any issue or problem that I have is immediately mirrored and hijacked by my husband until it’s only about him – don’t ever even get to finish my explanation of what’s wrong. I have to cry in the closet so that I don’t have to spend the rest of the night comforting him from the trauma of me having needs in the first place.
I have AuDHD. I was diagnosed in stages, late in life, ADHD at 42 and ASD at 57. In many ways, this information would have been exactly what I needed in grade-school. The course of my life would have been vastly different. Maybe I could have avoided a divorce and the attendant pain. The thing is though, had I had this information earlier in life, there are many cherished life experiences that I would not have had. I would not have met my second wife, to whom I have been married for over 20 years. I see that I’m starting to ramble(ADHD), so, I’ll leave it at thank you for the post and thank y’all for ‘listening’.
My partner is super awesome at sending me reminder texts. I normally try to make lists or put events/appointments in my phone but if I need something from the store, my partner will send a “heyyy don’t forget to grab some bread today”. It’s really nice that he’s fine with that and enjoys helping me remember
My Person & I got back together after a year and much personal growth. I have ADHD and he has Autism so in order to not repeat past mistakes we created an actual relationship agreement and will finalize it in person on Valentine’s Day. It may not sound romantic but it HELPS A LOT. It’s basically a couple of pages of our wants, needs & “accomodations” for better communication.
It’s weird, I’ll be yammering on about something and in the back of my mind I KNOW it’s making me late to get to bed or late to get to work or late for…. anyways, my husband will look at the clock, or tell me I should get in the shower or go to bed, and I LISTEN to him and not my own internal warnings. He also makes sure I am awake after my alarm has gone off and starts my car on cold days. Dang, I married a great guy. I hope I am doing as much for him as he does for me. Maybe I should ask and make sure.
My boyfriend has bipolar and shares a lot of my ADHD symptoms, but exactly the same. I’ve tried to talk about things like this but he’s very reluctant and sees it as criticism + takes it very personally. E.g. I’ll say something like “I need you to do more around the house, I know that’s difficult for you and I want to help, how can we make chores work for you?” he just sort of shuts it down like “what, you think I can’t do it myself?” what do??
This is cool for people who already have a relationship. There’s apparently fewer tips and tricks for people trying to get to that point in the first place. Like, just finding advice for autistic adults is already hard enough in the first place; so just finding protocols for dating is a significant challenge on top of that; not to mention keeping enough action-points in reserve to put it into practice over a long period of time to eventually maybe find someone.
You know this article is aimed at people with some sort of disability. be it ADHD or something else, it really shouldn’t. IMHO this is generally good advice for anybody. I sometimes think I might suffer from some sort of (undiagnosed) part of a spectrum, for me it doesn’t really matter. I can cope with things myself without needing any diagnosis (realizing that doesn’t apply to everybody), I do struggle sometimes, and yes relationships are part of this struggle. I thought this article is quite insightful, and shared it with my better half 😊 Thanks so much for the effort you put into this. Although I don’t have ADHD (AFAIK) I do find your articles quite inspiring!
I recently was Removed from a 30 Year Relationship. We were never Married but it was still a good Partnership. It became a Struggle and She was not Prepared for my Issues. We still Respect each other, get along Great as Friends and I Recently got the Help I needed. I also have a 15 Year old Daughter Who is on the Spectrum. My Issues and My Daughters Issues were too Much for Her to Handle at Once. It’s been Interesting and Dating has been Tough for Me but I’m doing Well and My Daughter is too. Your articles have been very Help and Inspirational Thank You. That KNOCK OUT Smile of Your is a Big Help too. ;D
My partner helps me write a daily focus most days as an accommodation for my ADHD and also seeing aside find it hard to sit still and listen/ talk sometimes we talk about most important things on a daily walk. They find it overwhelming when there is other noise and movement in the kitchen when the cook so I accommodate that by making sure I do something to distract myself so i wont disturb and also making sure the washing machine is off as it’s very noisy. Most important accommodation for us is also understanding that due to our brains we sometimes forget these accommodations but we then talk it over later as sometimes we help each other create new strategies to meet each others needs – I.e. moving house and jobs during the pandemic so we added in an extra walk so we both had enough time to talk/ listen. Thanks so much for this article – it’s so helpful and productive- love it! Xxxx
Ugh your articles are so helpful, but why is this so hard. Even as a licensed psychotherapist, I struggle so hard with my ADHD partner. It makes since that it’s truly not a lack of motivation issue or the fact that the other person doesn’t care. I just wish that there was more information out there. When I was in grad school we barely skimmed by the neurological disorders and unfortunately I see so many of my own clients struggle with this in my practice. Please keep spreading the word cause your articles really do help. I absolutely loved your Ted Talk
Anyone reading this ❤️ Life is funny and sometimes we try to date people completely wrong for us. I have severe anxiety and while I hate it, the ones I get along with the best are very similar to myself. And I always feel seen and heard with them. Find your people don’t worry too much about the rest 💕
I have autism and my partner has ADHD. Since I work, he has to do a lot of the housework, but he also has chronic pain and after a bad flairup we got way behind. So now that he’s starting to do better we’ve developed a process where he maintains basics (ie kitchen) during the week and I’ll spend my Saturdays making progress on organizing the piled up shitshow and I get one day per week to “flop” and recharge. It’s painfully slow, but it keeps the vital areas functioning and doesn’t overtax either of us so we can actually look forward to “when” the place is cleaned up instead of always wondering “if” it’ll ever happen.
My boyfriend/best friend and I both have Adhd and we both struggle with different things. He struggles with mundain tasks and I struggle with organizing. He also has a lot of anxieties and fears about things such as hights, bugs, other people driving with him in the car, driving over bridges, etc. Our families and myself now included have suspicions that we’re both on the autism spectrum as well, with our obsessions with childish fandoms and his horrible social ques. It seems like I’m always parenting him about doing things he should be doing, while he’s always giving me reasurrence and giving up his alone time for us time. I’ve always been very accommodating for the way he is, with his anxieties and needs, and when he’s comfortable with it, I help him explore his comfoet zone and overcome his fears. I understand him and always try really hard to help him and always want to show my love for him. But I’ve been feeling tired of parenting him and tired of feeling like I’m not understood or that my needs aren’t being met or that I’m putting more effort into the relationship than he is. I wish I got more out of this article, but what I did get out of it is an inspiration to talk with him about this, about everything.
I’m doing my best to set expectations. It does help. For instance, I have been telling family members, “OK, if you want me to do that later, send me a text message to remind me. Right now, in the moment, I think I’ll remember to do that, but realistically I won’t. And if I drop everything to do what you want me to do, I’m going to forget completely what I was doing when you asked me to do the thing.” I also tell them, “If I don’t have ColorNote open or a piece of paper and a pencil in my hand, I’m not going to remember what you’re telling me.”
I’m ADD and my partner has ASD, you hit the nail on the head. We constantly check in with each other about our needs to make a real effort to talk about concerns or uncertainty either of us may have about the others words or actions. It takes effort but it is very worthwhile – it just took years of failed relationships to work it out 🤣 We also both have ASD children from previous relationships so our household requires quite a bit of accommodating 🤓
My partner has autism and I have adhd – for some reason my ADHD manifests when it comes to texting, which he needs, so to accommodate that we do calls (we are long distance). I’m also very sensitive, and he doesn’t express emotion very clearly very often, so we do the open ended questions Dr. B mentioned as well as just… A lot of communication. It’s complicated but so wonderful and this article was very cool!
RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is big with me and my GF, if it gets to be too much we just tell the other, ” it’s completely illogical, but I need reaffirmation of your affection and acceptance of me” or something like that. I literally start with “RSD check” then something like, “pls tell me you’re having fun and happy to be here.”
I am spectrum adjacent, adhd, and have depression and anxiety. My ex-girlfriend could not understand why I couldn’t deal with sustained eye contact or couldn’t hang out with her or her friends whenever she wanted to. I keep trying to explain it to her and she kept trying to explain it away “if you’d only try harder” or “people who really love each other do xyz for each other”
Thanks for this article. I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and my partner has ADD. His challenges with emotional presence and follow through are incredibly difficult for me. I often feel that my needs are not a priority to him. We are both trying our best, but his invisible impairments are really tough to work with
I cannot tell you how many fights my spouse and I have avoided by one of us asking, “What are your priorities right now.” It is SO frustrating when you are cleaning together and all of a sudden your partner is doing something that seems super unimportant. Checking in and asking about priorities (instead of WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT RIGHT NOW ?!??!) is a game changer. Also, when my rejection sensitivity is kicking in I try to tell my spouse, “So what my brain just heard was ‘you are the worst person in the whole world what is wrong with you you are ruining everything.’ I know that’s not what you said but I need a minute/need some clarification/wanted you to know what my brain goblins were up to.” It helps stop me from doom spiraling, makes sure my partner knows why I look like they just kicked my puppy, and helps both of us get clarity on what is happening in our conversation.
My 9 year old daughter just recently learned about her diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety. She loves perusal your articles and feeling like she can’t relate to what you say so much. Your articles are so helpful for her. She loves you present in such a entertaining manner and we have been happy to find your website. I was just wanting to send a request to do an album or something dedicated to children. I am having a hard time finding ones that aren’t too mature for her in a timely manner. It would be wonderful if in the title it mentioned kid appropriate or there was a article album dedicated to it. Also, if you made one describing what ADHD is and everything that comes along with it in kids terms, in a positive way, it would be absolutely amazing! Thanks for doing what you are doing!
This is so wonderful thank you! Edit: My husband just watched this, so there’s more thought to this comment now. “What do you need right now?” is a helpful question, that works a lot of the time. Also, if one of us sees the other in a panic, we sort of take charge and act as a priorities list. For instance, if I’m panicking about things and can’t figure out what I need to do RIGHT NOW, my husband will ask what I’m freaking out about and then process my to do list and tell me the order I need to do it in one task at a time. Also-also, texting each other what we need to remember, or that we need to schedule something to remember. Related, we have a groceries app that we can both update on our phones so when we get to the store we can go in with a targeted strike instead of a bewildered meander XD We’ve also split house tasks (I have a short list of 4 things I can do in a day to help around the house and get to put stickers on my calendar when I do them – 1 sticker for easy things, 4 for hard things), but that’s more something to do with my physical disability needs so…. yeah. This was really great because we sat down and thought about things that we do to help each other and actually name them which was really nice. We know it’s happening, but putting a name to it makes it more concrete <3