Many parents struggle to provide enough parental contact for their children, often due to overscheduling, working too hard, or experiencing distress themselves. Parents who were not well-parented during their childhood may not fully appreciate the importance of their children’s time and attention. Children often act out to escape or delay tasks they don’t like, want specific items, or to get attention. They may also have sensory issues.
When a child goes through a phase of hitting, they may be feeling overwhelmed, confused, and stressed about strong emotions. To help your child cope, it is important to understand that children act out because they need or want something important to them, such as independence, attention, or things. Acting out comes from “acting out their feelings”, meaning when children can’t express their needs and emotions in healthy ways, they will act them out through displeasing behavior.
In general, children act out to get something they want or avoid or get out of something they don’t want. Signs of anxiety include lashing out, throwing tantrums, seeming distracted, moving around a lot, and arguing with others. At a basic level, children usually act out when they have unfulfilled wants, desire attention, or don’t want to do something.
To change the way your child acts because they think your family should revolve around them, you have to look at fairness. There’s nothing wrong with this behavior, but it is essential to start where your child is at and not judge them. Children often act out to reach a goal or have a need met, even if they are unaware of what they want. Attention-seeking behavior is part of childhood, and some young children act out because they haven’t learned calmer ways to communicate their needs.
📹 What works better than punishments for kids with ADHD – ADHD Dude – Ryan Wexelblatt
ADHD Dude provides parent training through the ADHD Dude Membership Site, in-person school-year programs, and summer …
What is a choleric child personality?
Cholric children are adventurous, determined, outspoken, strong-willed, and competitive. They are open to trying new things and confident in the company of others. If your child is struggling with homework, they may need a helping hand and encouragement from outside the classroom. Helping your child in the way they need can be challenging, but there are many things you can do to help them learn and develop. Knowing where to begin can be a challenge.
What is it called when a child acts out for attention?
Attention-seeking behavior is a common trait observed in children and is often triggered by a lack of calm communication or underlying issues. It is therefore imperative to pay close attention to the quality of the parent-child relationship, as the establishment of a stable and nurturing connection is of paramount importance for the child’s overall well-being and the development of a healthy life.
What are the characteristics of a difficult child?
A study using twin data found that difficult temperament and negative parenting are interrelated and stable in early childhood. The study involved 313 monozygotic and dizygotic twin pairs, and both constructs were assessed at ages 2 and 3. The results showed that genetic and environmental factors influenced both phenotypes at both ages. Significant bidirectional associations were found between difficult temperament and negative parenting, with the cross-lagged association from difficult temperament at age 2 to negative parenting at age 3 and from negative parenting at age 2 and difficult temperament at age 3 being due to genetic, shared environmental, and nonshared environmental factors. Substantial novel genetic and nonshared environmental influences emerged at age 3 and suggest change in the etiology of these constructs over time.
What is a disagreeable personality child?
It is inaccurate to conclude that disagreeable youth are aggressive or violent. Rather, they are prone to disputation, self-centeredness, manipulation, and stubbornness, with some displaying a proclivity for negative emotional outbursts. Such individuals may also display characteristics such as self-centeredness, manipulation, and stubbornness. This assertion is corroborated by the findings of the Asendorpf and Wilpers study from 1998.
What is an apathetic child?
Apathy is a state of impassivity where feelings of concern, excitement, motivation, or passion are neglected. It can manifest as a child slouching around lethargically, claiming school is boring and there’s no homework to do. To turn apathy around, parents should address the following factors: content presentation, fear of failure, classroom safety, adult treatment, low self-esteem, lack of academic tools, peer pressure, learning problems, lack of challenge, desire for attention, emotional distress, and expression of anger.
Parents often watch their children descending into apathy, avoiding work, starting projects at the last second, and putting in minimal effort. The core issue is that the child has lost the belief that accomplishing meaningful tasks is possible. Apathy is a front for feelings of frustration, inadequateness, shame, confusion, and helplessness. Children who are motivated to learn are driven by the strong belief that they can learn. Parents need to empower and empower their children to feel empowered and capable again.
Is attention-seeking a symptom of ADHD?
ADHD is a disorder that involves attention-seeking behavior, which is a symptom of the disorder. Teens with ADHD tend to be more impulsive and hyperactive, which is an expression of their inner turmoil. While attention-seeking behavior is not harmful, if it negatively affects your teen or others, it may be time to investigate the underlying cause and seek support from a mental health professional. James Nippert, a licensed marriage and family therapist, can provide insight into attention-seeking behavior from a family and trauma perspective.
What are 5 challenging Behaviours in children?
Families often find challenging behaviors in young children, such as defiance, fizziness, hurting others, excessive anger, and tantrums. These behaviors are normal for toddlers and young children as they develop social and emotional skills. It is crucial for caregivers and parents to provide support and guidance while the child learns to manage their emotions. Different families have different expectations for what is considered difficult behavior, and some common signs and symptoms of challenging behaviour include:
- Defiance: Refusal to follow requests
- Fizziness: Refusal to eat certain foods or wear certain clothes
- Hurting: Biting or kicking
- Excessive anger: Excessive anger when the child doesn’t get their way
- Tantrums: Breaking rules and expressing emotions in various ways.
What do you call a child with no empathy?
Children with conduct disorder with callous-unemotional traits, also known as limited prosocial emotions, are often described as cold and uncaring, lacking empathy and focusing more on how their actions impact themselves than others. Parents often report their children will do whatever it takes to get what they want, such as lying, stealing, or physically harming someone without remorse. Researchers have found early indicators that a child may have a conduct disorder with callous-unemotional traits, such as unusual social and emotional behaviors in preschoolers.
These behaviors indicate a different brain development, with children often displaying fearlessness or insensitivity to things that make most children a little bit worried or nervous, such as dark, heights, or dogs.
How can you tell if a child has a personality disorder?
Personality disorders are behavior patterns that make it difficult for individuals to get along with others, regardless of their environment or circumstances. Children and teens with personality disorders often struggle with maintaining healthy relationships and blame others for their problems, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation. These disorders typically appear in adolescence or early adulthood, but can begin during childhood. They are grouped into three clusters based on similar symptoms and characteristics.
Which child age is the hardest?
A recent study indicates that the age of eight is the most challenging age to parent, with the ages of six and seven following closely behind. Furthermore, the pre-tween phase may also present certain challenges. The author has been engaged in discourse with their daughter regarding this transformation.
Why do kids act out when they want attention?
Attention-seeking behavior in children is often a result of a deeper desire for connection and validation. Common signs of attention-seeking behaviors include yelling, screaming, whining, poor listening, interrupting or ignoring, running away, intentionally or unintentionally destroying items, lying or exaggerating, and physical aggression. These behaviors can be challenging and problematic if they become increasingly frequent or excessive. It is essential to recognize that actions speak louder than words and that children who constantly seek validation are actually seeking relationships.
📹 How To Handle An Out Of Control Kid When They Don’t Get Their Way
ADHD Dude provides parent training through the ADHD Dude Membership Site, in-person school-year programs, and summer …
My parents shamed/punished me my whole childhood for being disorganized, “selfish,” disobedient, etc instead of getting me help and now, I have anxiety and stress in regards to my perceived failings. I still have the same brain and the same traits, but now just harder on myself. And we have a family culture where you don’t talk about things that are uncomfortable openly so I’d be further shamed if I mentioned this. Thank you for helping today’s kids have a better chance of being healthy than the “tough love” boomers gave us.
Dude, you literally described me. I have ADHD and I grew up CONSTANTLY having people lecturing me. So I eventually just started to tune them out. Even to this day when someone tries to have “a talk” with me I just shut down mentally and don’t listen. Its become a cooping mechanism from hearing it a million times growing up.
My solution for my son’s behavior was mostly lots of outdoor energetic play time and if he left his toys around I put the toys on time out until he did some chores needed around the house. The only article game we ever bought our son was the Wi. which kept him active and focused. As a teacher I understand that every child is unique, so my best advice is to get to know your child’s strengths and aptitudes and use these to support their weaknesses. The goal for every parent should be to support your child’s journey in becoming a functional, compassionate adult. Not easy but worth all our efforts. Be well.
As an ADD adult, looking back over my childhood, for me the problem was that usually when I was in trouble, it was for not getting things done that the ADD made it difficult to do. Punishment was not only ineffective (if it were that simple, I would have just done it before I got punished!), but, more often than not, it was actively counterproductive (hard enough to do the thing when I’m feeling good about myself, even harder to do it when I’m miserable). But I like how you put it: it’s not that there should be no punishments, it’s that punishment should not be done for punishment’s sake alone: it needs to actually be getting a better result.
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a kid. I was born in the 90s, when I didn’t listen my parents had to get creative. Especially because getting my butt whooped just didn’t work. What they did as punishment was have me write “I will behave my self and listen” in a book. Depending on what I did, I would to write it out 250-1000x. Let me just say it was a kid with ADHD’s worst nightmare. Anything where I have to sit still or do something monotonous drives me up a wall. I started behaving myself real quick.
Ryan, you’re awesome for identifying what works for ADHD kids! When I worked with youth that were chemically dependent in an inpatient treatment facility and having to work with ADHD youth, I really tried working on seeing these kids for who they were and not their negative behaviors when they acted out. One of the things that I tried, was having them set up (ahead of time) their own consequences if they did something they shouldn’t be doing or being disrespectful. When they got to pick out their own (reasonable) consequences, it seemed that they had more of a mature response when they did something they weren’t supposed too instead of throwing a fit or getting mad at me or other staff. I believe it helped build more of a connection and it seemed that they learned how to be more accountable in taking responsibility for their actions. It wasn’t always a perfect solution for all kids, but for those that took it seriously, I think it gave them a chance to see that positive changes can happen. 💚🕊️
My girlfriend has a son with ADHD, raised with no significant consequences for his actions or inaction. Now he’s 21 living in her basement, dirty clothes, dirty dishes and food in his room. He’s medicated but has to be constantly reminded to take them, has to be woke up by his mother and can barely function on his own. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever seen.
I just came upon this article today and it is so helpful! Ive recently been diagnosed at age 46 as ADHD, and within the last 3 months as ive learned about it, it has become quite clear that my 4 youngest kids are all ADHD. And my oldest son has informed me that he was diagnosed ADHD a couple years ago but kept it between he and his fiancée. This explains why standard punishment has never really worked for ANY of our kids! Time to step back and think outside the box.
I just turned 41 and my wife and sister and I live with a close friend of ours who just turned 31. I and her both have ADHD. I had struggles until my sophomore year in college. School was never an issue, friendships were. Once I developed a sense of humor and stopped taking crap from the “college adolescents,” I eventually graduated, found great employment in IT, and have been married for 13.5 years. I still talk a lot, but my sister says “at least your passion makes it interesting.” My friend, on the other hand, uses her ADHD as an excuse for her poor health. She doesn’t take care of herself well, hygiene wise, diet wise, or sleep wise. She eats way too much sodium, doesn’t drink enough water, doesn’t bathe. When we’ve confronted her, she gets so defensive, lives in denial, cries, and tries to rationalize her choices. I felt like I was looking at myself in high school. She wonders now why I barely want to even hang out with her now and treat her as just a roommate now rather than a friend. I’ve taught her everything I know about coping, adapting, developing habits, etc. And when I’d praise her, she would use is as a way to just do bad habits elsewhere. It’s sad and scary that an adult can still be a child like this. I know the thought process is different for us ADHDers, but I’m not even medicated and stopped medicating when I hit college and I gradually evolved step by step, year by year. She hasn’t and I seriously just think she needs to be medicated and seek therapy. She refuses, which is no surprise.
I think this is great advice for every child. I honestly believe punishment is never the way. I believe showing and explaining what consequences of actions are, is much more fruitful. I am a teacher (9-12 year olds) and whenever possible, I sit down with the kid(s) that ignored the rules or did something „bad” and try to first find out why the ignoring / situation happened. Then I walk them through the consequences of their action(s), meaning how others might be affected and so on. I also ask them how they felt during their action (and why) and how they feel /felt once they realized what they did was wrong (if they realize at that point). I discuss with them other ways they could (re)act, if a similar situation will come up. In the end, I want them to tell me in their own words if and what they learned, how they would react if they could rewind the time and what their take away from our talk is. Most of the time this works.
This was me. My parents tried so much – essays, privileges, rewards. For me it was so hard to lose things while my brothers got rewards so much more easily. I just got used to it – no computer, no library no article games. It sucked always being in trouble. It was normal, with the exception of easy things like not hurting your siblings
Being an ADHD ODD kid, learning takes longer & more attempts. There was nothing worse than trying to navigate a challange agian & failing – only to be shamed & arbitrarily disciplined too. It furthered my ODD because it erroded my trust in authority/teaching figures plus it just created more anxiety & depression. It was my first experience with the ‘ADHD Tax’. I did need consequence, but they needed to be applicable to my learning needs, more introspective & celebrate what I did right. Many lessons were muddied because I was told it was wrong, not just part of it was, then I gave up. After all, if I fail either way, at least failing when I didnt try wouldn’t hurt as much. Being carful not to fall into false dichotomy of only right or wrong with a balance of fare punishment was how I learned best. Finally found adults, teachers, leaders & management that did this with me has allowed me to thrive. Granted succeeding in life to spite people was a real motivator. ODD reverse uno card 😂
In 2015 when Silento was big his song would play all the time. My dad lodestar son at 5 years old loved to dance to it. About three years later he started to behave abnormally; it was concerning. My wife and brother-in-law decided the whip and nay nay him to said Silento track. My son has since then became an academic student and is playing baseball for his schools team. Soon he will be enlisted in the military and I could not be prouder of him; great article.
I was in this position as a child. I told my parents that when they added more “time” to my groundings, it did nothing. When I told them this I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, rude, or rebellious. I was being honest. It all meant nothing to me at that time. I was just as frustrated as they were, and that’s an awful position to be in as a kid.
–I have read and listened to much of your helpful information. It has been great. The part tho’ where you recommend not providing discipline, etc but to give the child a choice – if you choose to do this and this you can choose to watch a article, etc….I’m glad that works for your family but not for ours. My guy looks at me and says “I’m not doing that”, then takes the computer and leaves. IF I get it back from him I literally have to hold him down and take it. He is 6 1/2 and a rising 1st grader.
My little brother is 4 yrs old. His tantrums don’t last longer than 25 minutes but he’ll chase anyone around and try to hit them in the face or bite them where he can! My older brother literally has to hold him in place until he calms down. It usually happens from him not doing something he wants. My sister moved her desk chair, he wanted to us it but he was using another chair, when she redirected him back to his original chair he bit her and started this huge tantrum. He says sorry but starts it all over again. He also has a short attention span, and will go without eating or pee on himself just to continue perusal YouTube articles.
Thank you so much! Even that tip about not saying “think before you act” really speaks to me. I’m the parent of an ADHD child and we actually haven’t even gotten her diagnosed but because it runs in the family I see a lot of it in her…anyhow I’ve used that phrase a lot because she’s honestly a genius so it’s really hard for me to understand why she can’t think through stuff before she does things to hurt others, etc. But thank you for helping me understand that better… I’m really interested to hear more😊
So true. Their immune to the punishment. They need to learn and understand why they did something wrong. Punishment is useless if you don’t teach them for every action is a reaction. The world will chew you up and spit you out if you continue on a certain path. You need to learn from your mistakes and be apologetic and remorseful for forgiveness.
Thank you. I have been asking child behaviourists how to help when they misbehave. They just redirect it at me of don’t punish them. But never answer how to correct the behaviour. This helps, because punishment (time out, if something dangerous a slap on bum) just seems to make it worse. I’ll try this. I’ve a girl 6 and a boy 3 both ADHD. As both myself and husband have it. I was diagnosed with ADD and him ADHD. I’ve since learned they are same thing now.
The first thing I learned as my son grew, was consequences for your actions. There has to be consequences as a child of ADHD. He had these words instilled in him when he was just five he had to listen to these words over and over and over and over and over and over and he realized as he got older, there would always be consequences for his actions. He’s 32 now and he lives on his own with a job. He’s bought a house and a car and he realizes there will always be consequences for his actions so he is now responsible for them.
Hi, I’m a kid with ADHD, and I would like some advice. Basically I often lie to my parents about things such as having learned for school, but I myself don’t really know why I do that, my parents keep punishing me for it by taking away my tablet and they sometimes also shout at me, telling me to respond, but how am I supposed to respond when even I don’t know? Don’t bring up them being bad parents, they are good, but it would simply be good to let this be solved
We used to live in a condominium with a swimming pool and playground, so I’d let my ADHD son loose in the pool or playground when he was getting into one of his moods. He’d be more reasonable after that and a shower. But we moved to a place without a pool and, due to covid, he wasnt going out as much for a few years. So we’ve been at laggerheads for quite a while until I recently discovered just telling him to stand at a corner with his arms up for as long as HE wants to stand…. His fury seems to wind down after a while, and I just need to do 15 min checks on whether he feels okay and ready to leave the corner. Afterwards, he’s often calm enough to finish whatever he was meant to be finishing. My husband asks me why I have him put his arms up, and I mentioned that otherwise, he just seems to find other ways to distract himself. What I find most interesting is that he finishes his school work and studying within 5-20 minutes because he’s got a high IQ, but his inertia and moods can make the pre-studying stage last hours. Once a teacher even called me letting me know my son had missed an entire exam, which we were very certain he would’ve aced otherwise. I hope and pray there’s a light at the end of this tunnel for my boy… What mother wouldn’t worry about her child’s possible inability to hold down a job, a loving relationship, or even to simply pursue a passion or a hobby?
I completely agree with the logic of tying actions in accountability to bad behaviors rather than unrelated punishments. It’s training for the real world. I have loads of ways to exercise this in the home: break something = help fix it for example. But do you have any suggestions for when your young kid hurts friends, either as a ‘justified’ (to them) retaliation or from overzealous play? I feel like an apology is the first step, but maybe not enough. And sometimes even the apology is hard if my kid doesn’t believe he’s at fault.
Honestly as a mom who had a child in her early teen years, my kid is now 10. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and it does seem far a punishment she doesn’t care. My mom and sister help raise her and we all talk to her and everything. Take things away from her and she still doesn’t seem to care. I need to look into things that’ll get her more active because it seems like she’s so focused on being disobedient. I’m currently in tears rn because I just don’t know what to do. It seems she wants to follow the wrong path every time. Will definitely try taking this approach.
So with the “cleaning it up” method. When my daughter is disrespectful towards her grandparents I typically tell her to apologize and give them a hug. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. It’s usually when she doesn’t want to that I have to “threaten” a punishment like taking away games/movies/videos for the day if she doesn’t own up to how she treated someone. My question is what that method doesn’t work and I’m left just taking away privileges
I think many people that would say “don’t punish” agree with your stance but would consider what you are talking about as “discipline” vs punishment. Thank you for clarifying what I was already thinking in many regards. Do you have any recommendations for when either adhd child simply gets ice/etc and doesn’t seem to actually care when injuring sibling? Or when something nice is done (brought a popsicle) hurt sibling starts trying to get something (like a popsicle) every time even when it’s not within parental boundaries? I hope that makes sense
hi, i’m a kid with adhd who is currently grounded from my favorite article game until “i learn how to not be so impulsive.” 1st off, they do feel like they’re letting me down. They have listened to podcasts and articles, and here I am, trying to prove to myself my parents are doing something wrong. Do not mention anything about my parents “being bad people”. They aren’t bad people, but instead just people who don’t know how to take care of me in the most proper way. The way I got grounded is by me making a joke in school that i shouldn’t have done in school. I got a 2 day suspension and my parents were called. My mom was P I S S E D. She took away my favorite article game until i learnt how to pause, or until i’m able to move out. I don’t know what to do, and fun fact; it was the 3rd time i’ve done that joke in my school career. She said to me; “3 strikes and you’re out, that’s how this goes.” I was mad and grieving. I was as my parents would say, “overreacting.” It’s been 27 days since i’ve been grounded at the time of writing this. If my parents were to see this at all, I hope they could understand that punishments just make me more prone to do the same mistake over and over. I don’t know what to do, and I want to not be grounded for a simple mistake. My family is filled with homebodies after all. What should I do to make them see what they’re doing wrong, because they wouldn’t believe a word I said, and they would think I was trying to get out of being grounded.
Hey I was going to go off today and I did not on a guy. Change is real. For ADHD kids, probably hard to do though. Agree, no ramifications equals future crazy kid who lashes out on elders and ect with no regard for respect. Not good. I was not raised right and even I learned the right way, though mostly from the internet, but perusal people. Discernment is important.
Oh gosh if only this information had been around when I was growing up! I would always get in trouble for doing things and people would ask, “What were you thinking?” and I didn’t have an answer for them because they wouldn’t accept that I wasn’t thinking anything. I just did it on impulse and couldn’t pause to reflect until after. Now I overthink everything and tend to freeze in so many situations so I don’t accidentally do something dumb, but of course that isn’t really a good response either. You just can’t win.
Im trying to find new ways to help my younger brother as he is getting into trouble a lot at school and at home there are a lot of arguments with our dad. My dad tries his absolute best to make sure my brother learns from his bad behaviour but nothing ever really changes and he continues doing bad things when he has been told not to. I think my dad could try the cleaning up technique and make sure my brother does something positive to counter the negative thing that has happened e.g. yelling at a teacher, maybe sending them an email or making a card for them to show he is sorry. But t’s difficult to get him to want to take accountability as he is 13 and for some reason he just keeps doing the same things over and over. We don’t know if it is his ADHD or just his hormones as he is just turned a teenager but it is getting very difficult for my dad to parent him as he is very rebellious and continues doing the same wrong things all the time. Keeps arguing with him. Always needs to be right and have the last word. Never takes no for an answer and even when there’s a reason, he will keep on pushing and says he doesn’t understand. I think it might be better if me and my dad (as i care for my brother too) look for different methods accountability and teaching, because the ones we have at the moment are clearly not working, and instead of blaming my brother, maybe we should try a different technique. Any advice would be great, thank you.
My son isn’t quite diagnosed but he has been kicked out of multiple daycares cause yelling nor punishment works. I grew frustrated at times I don’t even want to exist but it just gets worse popping and yelling doesn’t work headaches just make my blood pressure go up. At this moment I don’t even know how to feel within because all the small kisses on the feet and hands as a baby seem to turn into pops and punishment at 3 going on 4 I’m trying. I hope this works cause all therapy is down for 16 months out . For anyone with tips from your experience as a child with ADHD or have children with it I am more than willing to listen what could be better steps to help him.
No, lol, I was always punished, but rarely it fixed the perceived problem. I felt they went a bit overboard with it. My friends learned to ask if I was grounded before inviting me to do things. I wasn’t that bad. I was often 2-5 minutes late, I didn’t like dinner and would tell them, yeah.. once, I was at a house where other kids were smoking pot, I was grounded for 6 months. So, yeah, it was fine; I really liked my room. 🥰 Thanks for shining a light so I can clear out these old shadows! Thank you 💕
I don’t even like the term “punishment” because it implies some sort of retaliation or “getting back at” your child, which isn’t something a mature adult should be doing or feeling the need to do. If you feel disrespected by a little kid to the point where it actually angers you, the problem might lie in your feelings and lack of understanding of child psychological development more than what the kid did or said. Kids are still learning self-regulation and you should be using the opportunity to help them learn instead of punishing them for not just having it enough already. I prefer “consequences” over punishment, and ones which are immediate, proportionate, and related to the situation. If, for example, they make a big mess, they should have to clean that mess. Taking away their games or time outs or something has no relation to making the mess, and are not proportional to what they did. So many parents think of their kid not listening to them immediately every time as “being bad” but they’re not robots. They have minds and wills of their own and won’t listen every time. You don’t always do exactly what everyone tells you to do- especially if you don’t want to do what’s being asked – so why have higher expectations of a literal child than you have of yourself?
Seeking some suggestions My sons school has started to remove him from class earlier than the other children and sends him to the office before the home bell. The school has mentioned that he acts out occasionally towards the end of the day. My sons feels excluded and doesn’t understand why this is happening. Could you recommend a better plan for end of day that can still make my some comfortable He is 9 years old
I am a nanny of 4 and the oldest boy has adhd. He is 6 years old and is always trying to hit/kick his 2 year old sister. He is not abused and has parents that love him very much. He sees it as a game of how badly he can hurt the baby before someone loses it. I am scared for the baby. The child does not seem to understand the harm he is inflicting upon her no matter how many time we try to explain/give time out. He just does not care. Please help both his parents and I are at a loss.
Interesting, but imagine a situation where a loved-one was not diagnosed until late in life and so there was never this training scaffolding in place to support them. Then they enter a long-term relationship with someone who has no idea about any of this stuff – light blue match paper, stand well clear. How do you handle this then as they have a whole raft of coping strategies but are, as are we all, at heart still essentially kids?
Hi. My son who is 21 year old is hyperactive, hasn’t completed his college yet, but is trying to. His energy levels are scary at times but also inspiring when he talks about his creative ideas. But as a parent I am worried. I just learnt recently that he has all the symptoms of ADHD including impulsiveness, anxiety, sudden outbursts if he feels he has been slighted. I am not labelling him neither does he know that he is ADHD. But any tips on how to help him manage his life would be great. Oh and he plays the guitar very well, is a beat boxer and very well known in his circle for his creative skills
Any recommendations for a child that constantly goes outside, she will throw a fit if she doesn’t get her way or she will sneak out like she is a teenager sneaking out, she will keep asking and asking and will not take a no for an answer, very manaplitive in her behavior and very evil if she doesn’t get her way.
I notice my son never learns from his lesson. So it’s definitely useless to punish him. He keeps making the same mistake over and over again. For example, he would run around the house, create his own accident and get hurt. But next time, he’d do the same thing again. He wouldn’t learned it from the accident just happened not long ago. It makes me really frustrated 😢 is that also one of the typical symptoms of ADHD?
punishments do not work, accountability does not work, mindfulness does not help, my son refuses to try meditation, and he simply does not seem to care when he is hurtful which is daily. Medications do nothing, therapy does nothing, me as his father practicing affective calmness (amongst other things) has done nothing. In spite of all we have done and continue to do to try to help him succeed he seems to want to live this life. Unfortunately, I am afraid the only solution for him at 12 -13 years of age is psychiatric hospitalization and likely living in a group home. I am concerned that since he is unwilling to put in any effort or attempt any strategies, there is nothing more that can be done. At this point he is becoming a danger to himself and others. It makes me physically ill to think about this as his only prospect.
Anyone have suggestions on how to handle smaller situations like… Jumping in the couch. He’s always jumping in the couch. There’s not much to clean up there. I’m not sure in what way I’d relate that to helping someone else out. But it’s absolutely a rule in our house to not jump on the couch as it causes slowly formed damage. I’ve thought of having him help me fix the holes already formed but tbh… He’s a terrible terrible sewer. We could charge him money for every transgression to go towards a new couch but he doesn’t get a regular allowance (he has opportunities to earn money if he gets his room clean first). He goes into debt often for what he owes us and it means almost nothing at this point. We’ve tried taking away from his 2-hour-a-day allotment of screentime- but like you said- punishment resistant. And screen time is unrelated to the couch problem entirely. The only thing I can think of is just more chores; but that of course has it’s own struggles and I don’t want him to just view chores as a punishment as that sets people up to be more resistant to housework for life. Should I keep going with chores anyway? Try something else? I know that Ryan is not Ask Abby 😉 so I’m looking for advice from anyone here who’s had success.
My step daughter who is somewhat “ADHD” refuses to be accountable and “clean it up” she will very very rarely acknowledge wrongdoings and doesn’t apologize let alone agree to make it up to the person. She just gets pissed that you are correcting her and yells “stop it” or ignores, or gives dirty looks and grunts whenever you stop her from misbehaving or hurting or try to offer correction.
Hi, im easther here my son have adhd he is in 5 th grade now he have his own choices he wont accept to our choice of school to educate him, his standards are high to lifestyle he expects from us the same he have uounger brother he is normal and helpful sometimes he is hurt bcos brother responses handling physical in rude way, but here i came to check which kind of schooling in good for adhd child who is 6th grade in i dia we are living in now we planned to shift his school and lot of arguments regards to this with him.. bcos he is in his own choices he doeant think how much parents as sudder foe that life wheather they afford it or not he dont think anything he just needs his wishes to be met thats all so i need some guidance professionally if you have opinion about it. Thanks 😊
Man.. as a kid that grew up in okdhs ive had the full gambit of the punishment styles: from spanking (only made me mad and never actually worked… also i have a kink for it now so.. yeeeeaaahhh..), to timeouts (one time i literally found a couple dust bunnies on the floor and just played with those), writing down on a piece of paper x number of times that i will not do _ or i will do a chore etc (that one i would just go one letter at a time all the way down the paper. Lol, is it faster? Idk.. but for some reason it felt faster than just writing the entire sentence out over and over), having my games taken away and grounded to my room (i love to read, i literally had one of the best spring breaks because without my games i finally got around to reading all my books. In fact, i probably love books as much as i do now BECAUSE of that particular punishment😅), one time i wasnt allowed to have any fri3nds over for my birthday because i got a D in math.. that one hurt yes, but all it did was make me resent those particular foster parents. Honestly most of the time that stuff didnt work because it was just normal to me. Like, im sorry that im not just gonna sit there and sulk like you wanted, my brain just doesnt work that way. If you try o remove all the stimulus im just gonna make my own. 😅 ive heard some foster parents say that im just opositionally defiant, but most of the time i didnt even understand what i did wrong. How am i supposed to learn a lesson if you dont help me fix what im doing wrong?
Why would we trust anyone for mental advice who introduce their dog in the beginning of the article. Characteristic of person… Nobody clicked on this wondering at all what the dog’s name was. If you’re perusal this… Chances are your stress level with helping your child is high. I’m sure people will hate this comment but just give it a thought for a second.
I’m a former teacher of Emotionally Disturbed childen. I’m very thankful for your articles. My grandson is 8 years old and has been diagnosed w/ADHD. You have reaffirmed to me I was the right thing! I can’t tell you how many times my time-out room was destroyed, and I kept on teaching. I’m no longer able to teach. Administration placed the students in regular classrooms. Sadly, the regular ed teachers have no training on how to bring out the best in these children. It, also, hurts the learning for regular ed students. Thank you, again, for your widom. BB
Hello Ryan. I have just found your site, and it literally changed my whole opinion about my son’s adhd. I have for a long time denied that he could have adhd, and that he would eventually come around.. But after perusal your articles, I now see all that you talk about is how my son behaves and reacts. So thanks a million for turning a stubborn, slightly stupid father around 🙂 But I do have a question concerning this article. My son often has a pre idea of how things should play out. For example, if I say good morning, he can get really angry and say: I wanted to say that first. Or if I say,: son, its time for homework, he will burst out in anger: I wanted to say that first. And this relates to a lot of things. But its not always about being first to say or do something, but doing something by and of himself…like he wants to show that he can do stuff himself…and we praise him every time, because it gives him self confidence, but we find it difficult because we never know which situation he will explode into anger or cry about these things. So I am wondering if this relates to what you’re saying: Should we just accept this and let him control these situations or is there something we can do to get him to see that he does not have to be first or not get help, because this will be a problem if he acts like this among friends and in class (he does, but not as often, and as angry as at home.
Looking up articles for advice because I can’t handle my son lately. We started working with a psychologist and when he gets upset/disregulated I’m supposed to having him go to his calming corner where there’s therapeutic tools. But lately his behavior is worse and he screams and yells and stomps and hits the walls. I told him I was going to ignore him but then I don’t feel I can ignore him putting holes in the wall. Today I lost it on him and screamed badly. I don’t have much support. My husband makes it harder and now he told me a week ago that we should separate. So maybe me losing it didn’t just have to do with him but all the other emotions as well. It’s really hard. I don’t know how to handle him. My husband blames his behavior on me. Do these kids eventually learn? I feel hopeless. I get no break. I don’t see much progress despite all my efforts.
it took 2 minutes to agree with the methode, because I was just like: How on earth is this a good way to ignore the kid who is breaking off my house and nothing to say. And finally, my thoughts got confirmation at 2:01 —- and let them pay for it! 😀 Yes….. I will say it immediately as soon as he starts, that he will pay for it.
We don’t let him threaten or break stuff. At home If he does these he will have consequences like not getting his iPad game for that day. If that is not enough we put him on basement for 15 mins and make logic why it is wrong. Now a days we don’t have to do all that. We just need to remind him with reasoning and instead helping him to say what actually he is feeling. I shared this at school but at school they don’t have time to do what I do at home. So at school he is very different. He threatens, and gets aggressive. After medication he is lot better but still it comes out . Any help or suggestions would be appreciated!
Our problem isn’t as much breaking stuff but is when I’m not around he is emotionally and physically abusive to his mother. Calls her names, pushes, hits and kicks when she even tries to get him to do anything that is not his way or he does it when she hasn’t done anything at all to provoke it. She’s at the end of her rope and he’s only 9. I’m afraid one day she’s just not gonna come home from work.
Thank you for this article Ryan, this is spot on, I have become a member of the ADHD Dude site now. One thing I would like to ask, is what happens in the situation where there are siblings (both boys), and sibling B is threatening to break sibling A things? In our house, this has occurred and usually either a verbal or physical altercation occurs between the two, and that just escalates the situation even more? Do you have any advice on that please? Thanks!
Ho what do i do about ym mum being ao soft and not disciplining my little brothers with ADHD and Autism, they can attack me, pull a… on me, i come in from work ask him to do wahsing up he ignores me and stares at his computer because he knows mum will let him get away wirh it, i take away his computer he attacks me with my construction helmet, i still didnt give in i took the wires to hsi computer but my mum just went and gave them back!!! I just cant