Montessori education is a unique approach that helps children develop independence, empathy, social justice, and a lifelong love of learning. It is known for its individually paced learning and fostering independence, while also encouraging empathy and a passion for social justice. Montessori education is based on a set of principles that promote the development of independence, freedom, and self-regulation in children.
When a child is sent to Montessori, they are nurturing their academic curiosity, responsibility, and social-emotional intelligence. The Montessori method is designed to be an individualized program, unique to each child. Montessori offers a prepared environment that fosters each child’s independence.
The benefits of a Montessori approach to parenting include independence, confidence, a love of learning, intrinsic motivation, and intrinsic motivation. To introduce your child to Montessori principles at home, consider enrolling in the Montessori Family Alliance with or without printed copies of Tomorrow’s Child magazine.
Motivation at home can enrich your child’s learning and daily life by offering photography services, gardening at the school or with children, and supervising recess or other time with the children for staff. Additionally, creating “cheat sheets” can help introduce Montessori to grandparents, nannies, or caregivers who may not yet understand the principles of Montessori education.
In summary, Montessori education is a valuable approach that can help parents nurture their children’s independence, empathy, social justice, and lifelong love of learning. By incorporating Montessori principles into their homes, families can create a supportive and nurturing environment for their children.
📹 STOP SAYING “GOOD JOB”: How Montessori Parents Praise their Kids | Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset
Stop saying GOOD JOB to your child and Praise WISELY! | The problem with praise For over a decade Carol Dweck, professor of …
How are families included in Montessori?
Maria Montessori believed that early childhood is crucial for children’s development. Montessori education focuses on nurturing this period, involving both teachers and parents. Montessori encourages parental involvement through parent education, two-way communication, and encouraging parents to understand and extend Montessori principles outside the classroom. Parents are encouraged to attend orientation sessions, workshops, and classroom protocols to understand the Montessori method.
Communication is crucial for coordination between teachers and parents, with newsletters, journals, and class websites keeping parents informed about classroom activities and their child’s development. Parent-teacher conferences provide opportunities to discuss progress and needs, while email channels allow for timely updates. Two-way sharing between home and school is essential for aligning educational approaches.
What are the benefits of Montessori parenting?
Montessori-style parenting is a parenting style that encourages children to learn through free play and exploration, allowing them to explore and develop their self-worth at an early age. It encourages parents to spend quality time with their children, including them in practical activities, and to create a safe environment for them to play freely without harm. Instead of traditional discipline, Montessori parents set boundaries and focus on self-discovery, respecting the child as they are and who they are becoming. This approach fosters a positive and nurturing environment for children.
Is Montessori a parenting style?
The Montessori approach to parenting, developed by Italian educator Maria Montessori, places emphasis on instilling order, focus, and self-motivation in children. Notwithstanding the implementation of organizational strategies within playrooms, the phenomenon of chaos and uncertainty persists in the context of child-rearing. ElevenLabs and News Over Audio (NOA) employed artificial intelligence (AI) to generate the accompanying text, which was subsequently featured in the One Story to Read Today newsletter.
What are the 5 key areas of Montessori?
The Montessori Curriculum is a systematic approach to teaching children five key areas of study: Practical Life, Sensorial, Mathematics, Language, and Culture. Each area is taught using Montessori materials that teach specific knowledge or skills. Through repetition and practice, children develop a foundational understanding of each material and master core competencies within each area. The curriculum progresses at a child’s own pace, based on their development stage and interests. Montessori educators present key lessons to introduce each material’s name and learning outcomes, and children work independently to practice, explore, and connect to the key learning outcomes.
Why Montessori is not for everyone?
Traditional educational methods, such as homeschooling or schooling, often require a child to rely on grades, tests, rewards, and a strict curriculum. This can make it difficult for a child to adapt to the Montessori method, as they may seek adult approval and concrete measurements like grades. Montessori schools typically don’t accept children who are completely new to Montessori above 3rd grade. Homeschooling families may have more success with older children, as they can gradually introduce Montessori methods and materials into their homeschooling framework. However, this may not allow for the full Montessori approach to be applied.
Are Montessori kids more successful?
Professor Angeline Lillard at the University of Virginia has conducted a study on the Montessori method in Milwaukee, US, focusing on children who were selected through a lottery system. The results showed that Montessori children had better literacy, numeracy, executive function, and social skills compared to those who attended other schools. At age 12, they also showed better story-telling abilities. However, the results were based on a relatively small sample of pupils.
Chloe Marshall at the University College of London Institute of Education believes that Lillard’s results provide the most rigorous test yet, but she also suggests that the Montessori method does bring some benefits without any downsides. Recent evidence suggests that providing children with unstructured time leads to greater independence and self-direction, which is at the heart of the Montessori method.
Why parents choose Montessori?
A Montessori classroom is designed to provide children with opportunities to develop their capabilities, such as dressing independently, multiplying equations, communicating needs effectively, and problem-solving with others. Parents seek the best educational program for their children, recognizing the lasting impact of early learning experiences on their development and future learning. The Montessori Method, which has been thriving globally for over a century, focuses on developing capable individuals with a strong sense of self, the ability to connect with others, and the potential for productivity throughout their lives.
The early years (birth through age 6) are crucial for setting a strong foundation for a child’s future role and development. A Montessori education develops students who are capable, accountable, knowledgeable, and possess the strong sense of self needed to thrive in the real world.
What are the weaknesses of Montessori?
Montessori education, established by Dr. Maria Montessori in 1907, is a child-centric approach that emphasizes independence and self-guided work. It is a popular method among early childhood education theories, as children have different minds and learn differently. Montessori schools allow children to explore educational games and toys in an unstructured manner, allowing older and younger children to learn from one another.
Montessori classrooms are known for their beauty, with ample sunlight and space, providing a friendly atmosphere for children to direct their own learning. This environment helps children understand complex vocabulary and intellectual thoughts through the use of objects designed for the purpose.
One of the main advantages of Montessori education is that it allows learners to work, grow, and learn at their own pace. This education system allows children to explore activities, lessons, and things that build upon their expertise, allowing them to develop their coordination and concentration. However, there are some disadvantages to Montessori education, such as high costs, limited opportunities, and a small student community.
In conclusion, Montessori education offers a unique approach to early childhood education that emphasizes independence, self-guided work, and a focus on individual growth and development. However, it is essential to consider all features when choosing an education philosophy.
What does Montessori offer?
The Montessori method of education is based on the principles of self-directed activities, hands-on learning, and collaborative play. It allows children to engage in creative decision-making while a highly trained teacher provides guidance through the implementation of age-appropriate activities.
What type of child is Montessori good for?
The Montessori classroom is a unique environment that can work for any type of child due to its small class size, individualized learning plans, and self-guided learning. The design takes into account the child’s needs, with no lines of desks or strict teacher lectures. Instead, students are allowed to move around to various learning stations throughout the day.
The number of students in the Montessori classroom is intentionally kept small, allowing for consistent interaction between the teacher and students. This allows for a variety of students to thrive, regardless of their age or interests. Teachers can recognize problems, struggles, questions, or specific needs as long as the number of students is kept low.
In Montessori programs, the teacher develops an individualized learning plan for each student, taking into account their interests, learning style, and needs. This design allows for all types of students to thrive in the Montessori classroom, as learning is individualized, and there is no concern about what to do for a student who is ahead or falls behind. The answer is always to adjust the child’s learning plan to meet their changing needs.
In summary, the Montessori classroom is a great fit for most children due to its small class size, individualized learning plans, and self-guided learning approach.
What are the 4 C’s in Montessori?
The Four C’s, or critical thinking, collaboration, creativity, and communication, are essential skills for 21st-century education. These skills cannot be taught through memorization and repetition but must be developed through rich learning experiences that inspire mastery over time. Research has shown that students need to develop these skills to be attractive to digital age employers, and ensuring they possess these skills is a crucial issue for 21st-century education.
📹 Montessori at Home: How To Spend Time With Your Family
Montessori at home It does not have to be perfect or fancy. It can be as simple as gathering for a meal. Simplicity when …
I still remember a time when I was ten and finally cleaned my room after much nagging by my mom. She took me to my doorway, and told me to look at how well I did each part of the task, how nice it looked, and to appreciate how much more pleasant it was to be in there and be able to find things. I continue to have that satisfaction with common tasks, and I’m 75.
As a “gifted” child (literally just a little brighter than average), I was so obsessed with being praised. It was awful when I got to high school and struggled as much as anyone else. I felt like I wasn’t smart anymore. It took years to learn that my school grades aren’t my self worth. Now that I have a toddler it is so hard to find things to say other than “good job.” He amazes me every day, but I don’t want him to feel the pressure that I did. My favorite things to say are “You worked hard on that,” “You did it by yourself!” “You should feel proud of how hard you tried.” It’s taken so much unlearning. This was a great article, thank you.
6:08 Don’t say anything 6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome 7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect. 8:15 Ask questions 8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?) 9:32 Thank them 9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks Thank you for the article! I felt like you repeated yourself and the article starts at around 5 min mark.
I read through many of the comments on this article and compiled a list of things we can say to our children instead of, “Good job!” (includes suggestions from the article itself): -You worked hard on that! -Thank you for helping me! -You must have worked so hard to get that score! -Simply notice what they did, like: “I see that you cleaned up the blocks!” -You did it! -You did it by yourself! -You figured it out! -You didn’t give up! -It must’ve felt good to _______! -That took a lot of patience! -That was a brave decision! -How do you feel about what you just did? -How did you think of that/come up with that idea? -How does/did that feel? -That looks like it was fun! -Did you enjoy it? -What do you like about it? -What was your favorite part about ____? -You should feel proud of how hard you worked! -How did it feel to share? -You were so considerate to share with your brother! -He smiled when you shared with him! -That’s very creative! -Do you like your drawing? -What do you like about your drawing?
I think that empty praises arises from not having enough time to dedicate to your children! I am a grandma now and I realized I have time to listen to my grandchild and when ever she shows me something for example a drawing: I take the time to ask her… what is it? This looks like water? Is it? She says yes and I ask: is it a lake or the ocean? Are they fish on it ? And ask questions about what she did why she decided to do that drawing… are you happy about the colors ? I noticed she draw a sun … I asked about the sunny day… I don’t feel that you necessarily need to praise them all the time! Some times yes but all the time no, because they will not be praised all the time in real life ! Acknowledgement is what they need more than constant praise!
I know this is a article about parenting, but this has made me re-think how I give feedback to everyone in my life. It’s such a small thing but sometimes it’s the little things that helps encourage people to gain the confidence to step out of their comfort zone, whether they’re 7, 27, or 70. P.S. I have no children of my own but clicked on the article hoping to learn something new. Very glad I did.
I’m a pianist studying at Juilliard but grew up in a house where neither of my parents knew anything about classical music. For a while I thought this was a disadvantage, but coming out of this research I see where actually was the bedrock of my intrinsic motivation and growth mindset, because I wasn’t looking for their approval, understanding, or interest in what I was doing, the challenges I was facing, or the obstacles I was overcoming, it was all me.
I used to say (a ing other things) “hard work pays off”. I raised a daughter who went blind in one eye and had a retinal detachment in the other, so after surgery that eye was covered with bandages. Woke up the first night post-op and instead of asking for help, talked herself to the bathroom by saying (referring to a blind friend) “if Rita can do it, I can do it”.
I was praised as a child for being so intelligent. School was so easy for me that i was often bored. I of course got into college but when i encountered challenges i thought i was just bad at it and so i would drop it and just quit. Still as an adult anything challenging that doesn’t come easily to me feels like it wasn’t meant to be and that’s such a terrible way to look at life. I feel paralyzed and unable to make steps towards anything because I’m terrified of difficulty and failure.
I was never given praise of any sort from my single parent mum. She only ever criticised every little imperfection. I was so afraid to make a mistake that I would avoid trying even if I could have done it. I was a natural dancer and pursued it as a career. That was the only thing my mum ever used to praise me for in front of other people. I hated it because it took no effort on my part, it was easy. I wanted her to praise me for my excellent grades, effort and diligence in my school work. For me, any praise would have been better than none. Edit: As a mature woman now, I have learnt that other people’s opinion of you doesn’t matter, it’s what you feel about yourself that counts. Self esteem grows with small accomplishments that snowball into greater ones. The lesson is not to repeat the pattern with your own children or others. Give praise where praise is due and ignite the little light that dwells within that soul. 💖
I love this! However the phrase “hard work” is one I avoid and use ” challenging work”, based on the energy. What you say is what the universe sends your way. If you always say work hard, that’s what you’ll always get, more “Hard” work. Challenging work, insinuates the ability to try without feeling overwhelmed.
Praising “wisely” is key. I worked in preschool before raising my six kids. I was around so many “empty praisers” in the preschool world I learned to give specific and natural feedback, and also learned that it’s okay sometimes to say nothing at all. I tried to affirm effort over outcome. It is tricky with different personalities but I think everyone appreciates his or her effort being recognized, even if it didn’t lead to “success.”
I’ve been working on this with my 1 year old. I tend to just state what she did in a non-judgmental way. “You cleaned up the blocks!” “You brushed your hair!” Not sure if that’s really the right thing to do but I feel like it also helps with her language skills since I’m giving her the language to express what she’s doing/done.
I will always remember, when I was about 8 years old, I had a very difficult time with mathematics. I studied so hard and worked so much, but I failed often. Every time I took a test and failed, my mother would take me to a pastry shop and buy me a treat (she did it when I passed the test, too). Whenever I tell this story, people are weirded out, because they say my mother was rewarding me for failing. She wasn’t, though, she was rewarding me for having tried my best, even if I failed, and I knew that and always gave it my best shot. She always told me that what mattered is that I tried my best, even if it was difficult for me. In the end I went to college and have a good job, and I am so thankful to her for helping me do that every step of the way.
This is such a simplified view that it hurts. I know many parents who takes this advice literally and stop complimenting their kids and also stop giving any negative feedback. This causes kids to have no clue at all on how to behave and they turn into horrible brats. You should communicate your emotions clearly, and if you like their progress you should say so. But yes, always praise progress and tell them you understand the struggle they went through to get it.
I’m a grandmother now so I really appreciate this advice. This really makes sense. I noticed the “good job” thing really took off in the 80s or 90s. I noticed that many born in the past 30 years tend to look outwardly for praise or compliments. Social media exasperated this trend. Thank you for the article. I will put this into use and share it. 😊😊😊
This makes perfect sense to me, I was made to feel I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t do anything right as a child, I’m the last of 6 children and everything was blamed on me, I went on to become the most skilled and financially successful in my family and now they all depend on me. Not praising me pushed me to be better than those who received praises HOWEVER, it could’ve been done in such a way that didn’t leave me traumatized.
At first I was perusal this thinking, “Then what the heck am I supposed to say and do?!” but this all makes sense to me. I realize as a child I could be much more interested in what everyone else thought of my work instead of doing it for myself and my own growth. To this day I have to practice being okay with simply enjoying my own progress alone. Thanks. Subscribed.
I work at a big community services center and I hear “Good Job!” on a daily basis, from parents, caregivers and educators, more times than I can count. I also see its corrosive effects first hand. On top of everything you mentioned, there’s also something saccharine and condescending about it. It feels false and placating to me. On those occasions when I have to interact with kids, I always try to talk through things with them and, if the interaction requires praise, then I think of what I’d say to a peer in the same situation (usually “Thank you”) and I say that. I’ve noticed that they really seem to respond well to that kind of treatment. Glad to have this article for vindication. Thanks.
This just gives me even more respect for my parents. There is so much nuance to raising kids, and one could say that this is all common sense – and yes it should be. But it’s an art and a science, all born from empathy and intuition. Two things humans tend to lack. Thank you for explaining all of this so well! 💚🙏🏻🕊
What I understood: 1. Don’t say good job 2. Acknowledge Process, Not Outcome 3. Direct praises towards effort, attitude, decision making, generosity, responsibility and commitment 4. Ask questions (Do you like the painting you made? rather than saying good job) 5. Say Thank You when they help you 6. Let’s see what you did, Let’s see what can be done (when child is frustrated and is unable to complete a task) What I did so far: 1. I provided my praises when my kid looked at me after they achieve something after many tries 2. I appreciated them when they helped me 3. I said You can do it when they had second thoughts.
I do Piano lessons for students, and I see this anxiety in children every day. Feeling the need to make me happy can really make things hard for them, especially when they think they have done well and it’s wrong. i think that the article made some very valid points on how we over-complement when all we need to do is acknowledge their effort. I think what she is saying they need to learn to acknowledge themselves and their own accomplishments .. Independence comes from their
It’s eye opening. As a kid I thrived off of praise and was on honor roll, Straight A student, in advanced classes, etc. When I got accepted into a high school for gifted students and was supposed to be in AP classes, I was scared I wasn’t going to be as smart as all the other advanced students, so I opted for regular classes which were too easy. During that time my parents were fighting and separated and I stopped receiving praise. I withdrew and started skipping classes and by my Senior year, I missed so many classes, I almost didn’t graduate. I did that because I was no longer being fed praise, so I stopped trying. I was never doing it for myself. I find myself over praising my 4 year old daughter now and she doesn’t seem to want to do anything without seeking my approval and praise for it. She is constantly asking me if she did good or did I like it. I am truly seeing the pattern now. It gives me an opportunity to correct that behavior now.
This aligns so well with my instincts as a caretaker. I still feel weird about the inflated praise I continue to receive as a young adult, and the culture of the daycare center where I work involves so much inflated praise that it has pushed my interactions with the kids in the same direction. This is great inspiration to get back to what I know is right. Thanks for a great article!
The first time a child helped me clean up, I was so shocked I exclaimed, “good girl.” Then I had a little talk with myself and noted that she doesn’t have the schema to understand that it is a chore and making a big deal about it makes it a lightbulb memory instead of just a helpful act. It also reinforces the behavior as exemplary when it should be deemed natural. Also, as you mentioned, they will then look to be praised for every act, which is unhealthy as it increases anxiety to always be good and unsustainable because if you neglect to comment they may think they are not being good. They might even become dependent on your approval of their behavior which inhibits their drive to take initiative. So the next time a child helped me “I said thank you for helping me, I really appreciate it.” This was an improvement for me.
This is absolutely true. I grew up in such an environment. I was always praised by mother and sibling for the work I did. Now, years later I always need😢 someone to appreciate me on daily basis and I feel worthless when nobody does. And I always complain to my husband for not appreciating me always. I have a 1 year old baby, I always appreciate her thinking that’s correct. But, after perusal the articles I understood it’s my mistake. Thanks a lot for this precious article.
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome 7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect. 8:15 Ask questions 8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?) 9:32 Thank them 9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks Thank you for the article!
This is terrific. You really understand this at a deep level. When Dweck’s book came out I read it. As a teacher it was clear how good it was. Then realizing I was still making mistakes praising my students I read it again. Then our education bureaucracy got a hold of the book. For two years I went to trainings and staff meetings where every single time they completely got it wrong. (Consider most of education is a system where they size you up as soon as they meet you, or hear the rumors about you, and then will do almost anything to hang on to that prejudice.) Then I attended a training where the presenter finally got it right. So there’s some Growth Mindset required to understand these very basic concepts. And terrific that you point out when praise isn’t needed. When I was in the supermarket with my son when he was almost three years old, he asked where something was. I knew, but I said, “I don’t know. Ask that guy over there.” Then I turned away. A store employee was stocking one of the coolers. I’d immediately decided it was my moment to learn more about the jar of gefilte fish that was near me at that moment. He didn’t want to walk over and talk to some stranger…. you could almost see the wheels spinning around in his head… but….he walked over and asked. Then he came back, told me where it was. Okay, we immediately skipped a bunch of aisles, found the item… No praise, just problem solved.I figure my job was to hand him a puzzle, and to reinforce his success support his solution as soon as possible.
14 September 2023. My daughter is about to turn 28. I haven’t ever really understood why she has anxiety. This article has hit me hard. It explains so much about how misguided parenting was in the late 90’s. Everything was praised but not like this. She is now a teacher of young children and I am embarking on helping some 6 year olds. This should save me from repeating my mistakes. I am so grateful for your effort in putting this together. Thank you.
I have no children but educated them for twenty years. I could recognise how parents brought up their kids by the child’s behaviour towards praise & no praise and how well ( or not) the parents did during parent – teacher meetings. I give praise to you for caring about how you compliment your daughter. More parents need to watch this article! Thank you for sharing. Your child is lucky to have you as a mum. 👏👏👏🥰
I absolutely agree 💯 These were one of my observations when I got to university. The kids who performed great in high school n weren’t doing so great in varsity were super hard on themselves when they weren’t achieving their usual high grades. The average ones were always optimistic.. even a fail would encourage them to do better. Whilst the smart kid would see the fail as the end of the world.. this is where your depression, anxiety, dropping out would start
This gives me so much hope! Im doing my absolute best breaking these generational chains passed to me and im so glad im aware and in control of not wanting the old ways for my son, its such a blessing to feel that there are so many people out there trying to make the world a better place starting with their children xx
It hasn’t hurt my 3 year old granddaughter. She recently spent over an hour of continual painting on a huge canvas in deep concentration and focus. She never gives up and drills on every newly learned skill. Her parents have slowed down in saying good job since she is 3 now but developed a healthy confidence and perseverance in ages 1-3.
Thank you for this article, it helps me recall part of my childhood experience. As i watched, i began to recall instances during my childhood where my relatives or mom’s friends were excitedly praising me “so clever” for the simplest things I’ve done.. and i remember feeling “insulted”. And they would ask “don’t you like people praising you?” As a kid i don’t know how to reply, but in my heart i was thinking, “these were just extremely simple or natural things to do” and doesn’t require them making a fuss of it. Although their intention may be to encourage or to play nice, those “insincere” compliments did make me self-conscious and robbed me of the joy of doing those things, because i did not want to come across as doing it to pleased them. So i totally agreed with this article that we could be robbing the child of their intrinsic motivation by lavishing inappropriate praises.
Thank you for this article! I still work with pre-schoolers at a bible study. One of my favorite things to say to children is “good job”. Now I see that this kind of praise is not really helpful for the child’s growth as a person. I will work on this to change my way and the child’s way of thinking about themselves
As a child who was IQ tested and had that information presented to me every time my grades weren’t the very best, I can testify that the easier path was always my choice. I knew what I should be doing but I also knew it was more work than I was willing to expect of myself and I didn’t want the conflict with my parents.
Im just halfway to be agreed. I think kids need to hear that they “did good” as well. Just maybe not that often and on any occassion. But I think not hearing it is also sad in some way. Recognition from the patent is one of the most important things for the child. Although I agree that it is important to explain to kids that they do things for themselves,not for the appraisal of parents. But still,every kid longs to hear words like “youre the best”,”you did well”,”I am proud of you”. I think its also important what we teach them to do during difficult times. Are we there for them. Do we listen and not judge. Can we have the patience even if something seems obvious to us. Thats a huge part of Montessori that contributes to the success of the children, because Montessori emphasises to concentrate on kids progress not on the pace. I think we have to bear that in mind that probably its not just down to say or not to say a few words that makes the difference.
This is true my Dad used to give me $100 only when i got an A and $50 when I earned Bs. The forst time i recieved a bad grade i went into depression and was ashamed to show my grades ever again. I still struggle with making mistakes. But i have decided to go back to college as an adult! This was a very accurute article.
Thank you for this article. I’m not a parent but I’ve always had an issue with parents telling their children, “Good job!” To me, this sounded like the child had performed some sort of work or difficult task … and as you say here, that he/she needs the reward of this praise. And this ends up becoming a habit for parents who will often automatically say this. If the child opens a door or has a conversation with grandma or eats all his/her dinner, I’ve heard a parent just automatically say “Good job!” When it becomes automatic it loses it’s meaning.
This has been my life. My parents praised every time I accomplished something. As a grown up it has become extremely hard for me to do something for my own sake instead of looking for people to validate and praise me so that I can keep going. These days, I am trying to figure out how to reparent myself to break out of this pattern. This article has been helpful, thank you for making it. ❤
Wow! God really wants me to be the best mom. How I bumped into this article is pure miracle. I’m so happy to learn this right now. We just turned five and I’ve been praising hing with good job so many times 😢😢Now I know better and I will switch my conversation to the positive and growth-oriented praise. Thank you for taking time to teach us.
I use Dweck’s growth and fixed mindset information when helping companies change their safety/quality/production culture. The employees respond very well to it. I am a grandma and I also use it with my grandchildren as well and I can see the difference from when I was raising my kids. You live and learn. Thanks for creating this article. I enjoyed it very much.
I agree 💯% . I made sure to teach my children from a young age that having a virtuous character is WAY MORE important to me than degrees etc. I do encourage them to get those, but they know it’s their Loving hearts towards themselves and others that I value most. I’m happy to say, I can see it in their attitudes today ❤
I’m a babysitter and I’d like to use these compliments more as I often say good job. I have noticed that when kids are colouring in and they show me their progress, if I say something like “That’s very creative” it encourages them to try different things with less fear of staying “in the lines” or making the picture “accurate” colours
I was that gifted child who had parents who based my worth off grades and merit. Growing up, I struggled with impostor syndrome and anxiety- even now as a grad student in physics. As someone who wants children someday, I will definitely raise my kids as individuals who will not be afraid to think for themselves… I don’t want them seeking external validation for their sense of worth (like I did).
It’s so true, it’s very important to interact with growing children like you would an adult. If your partner seems excited about a new opportunity, you might say “I’m so happy for you” and the same can apply for children. I notice my small nephew has been praised a lot growing up which appears to have built his confidence, but he’s easily disappointed when he doesn’t get the praise or attention he expects. I’ve been thinking about ways to raise a child that’s more independent ahead of having one myself and this seems like a great start 👍
This article is so helpful and thought provoking! On the flip side, something I learned about criticism… Long ago I read somewhere how one might unknowingly criticize a child without saying a word. The example given was praising the child for making their bed while smoothing out a wrinkle or adjusting the pillows. I did that kind of thing a lot. I’m a detail person – ok possibly a perfectionist. This helped me accept ‘good enough’ (sometimes ‘good enough for now’) from my kids and when I practiced it for myself, I removed many self imposed stressors. It also made think about how it’s ok for others, even kids, to prioritize what’s important to them differently than I do. I’ll file this under: don’t sweat the small stuff. Growing up, I constantly sought approval from my mom which was close to impossible to get. When she did acknowledge something she followed up with telling me how I could have done it better. Maybe she thought she was being helpful but instead I came to believe whatever I did and who I was wasn’t good enough. As parents, we need to be mindful with our guidance & priorities.
Great article! I do feel I learned something new. I was also happy to hear things I already do. Like when my daughter helps with the dishes. She’s 7, one Saturday morning after we had breakfast I stepped out of the kitchen to do something in my room. I took longer than expected. But when I came back into the kitchen my daughter had put everything we used to make breakfast away, wiped down the table and kitchen counters AND washed the dishes leaving the knives and glass aside. My first reaction was “oh my goodness Bella did you do all of this by yourself?” And I fell on my knees and hugged her so tight. I looked at her and said “thank you!” I remember telling her how much I appreciated this. That her help means a lot to me and it’s one less thing I had to do. She was so content with herself. I share this because my first instinct was to thank her, not praise her. 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have struggled with needing praise all my life, even though my mom gave it to us A LOT. I love her and she was just doing what she could with the tools she had. I heard about that study a while back and started implementing things like “you really put effort into that!” Or, “what’s your favorite part about this?” Or, “that looks like it was fun!” to my niece and nephews recently and it feels so much better than, “good job!” It wears on me to constantly give a kid praise for something, especially when it’s not that good. 🤦🏻♀️ I recognize the effort they put in but I feel like I’m lying when I tell them good job, and then when they REALLY impress me, I have to go over the top. 🤷🏻♀️ I really appreciate this because it makes me feel like I’m not a terrible person for not wanting to express something every single time they accomplish something.
I personally find that you are so happy when you see your child do something (to go to the toilet by himself…) is a natural feeling that comes to me. If at that time I considered in my mind how to praise my child, I fear that the happy moment will pass and when I think back, I will have nothing to smile about.
To my students I don’t just say only “good job”, I ask them how they thought of it/came up with the idea. It engages the child and makes them think of their process. It also calls out kids who have used help from AI or their parents to do a piece of homework. I wish helicopter parents and teachers would remember that: 1, everyone deserves to learn (at whatever pace) and 2, empty praises deprive a child of the ownership of that hard work that they’ve done; the message they get is, “you’ve made me happy” rather than, “you applied yourself and proved you can do it yourself.” . Children are not empty vessels we fill ideas into. They are living, creative beings that should be allowed the joy of self expression just because of their enjoyment of it.
I am so thankful for this article and those who have shared. The simple act of being present, seeing, acknowledging their presence is in my present world, ineffable. I have no words for that simple act, which strengthens the foundation for the future of that child. Thank you. There are so many who cannot even comprend this kind of care. Thank you for sharing your love and compassion. ❤
I wish I knew this (about) 39 years ago when my son was starting his school years. As the “baby” of the family and left on my own from roughly 10-11 years old I only had condemnation from my mother. Nothing from my dad. So basically I didn’t know what to do. When I had my son my husband was stationed in Kentucky so I was cut off from family and never had anyone who could pass down motherly “wisdom.” So raising my son was a battleground. I tried praising him but nothing I did worked. My husband signed him out of school when he was 15-16 years old. I didn’t know about it which is what my husband intended because he knew I would never condone it. I have begged him to at least get his GED but he has staunchly refused. Unfortunately I think my grandson is headed in the same direction as his parents. After you mentioned it I realized my daughter in law uses “good job” all the time. I’m always on the lookout for some new construction going on in the house. That’s what I think of when I hear the term. Your article needs to be listened to by school teachers everywhere. They use the term as well. Thank you for airing this. Even though it’s a little late for me maybe it will help other moms!!
I am so glad I found this article! I’ve been raising my child with this mindset all the time. And it was very difficult for me as I was going against the education system of the country where teachers will say Good job or Great for each and every move of a child even if the child made a mistake. Along with long struggle I kept developing in my child the intrinsic motivation to work hard by praising her hard work, and helping her maintain the hard work. She is now finally saying “I’m proud of myself” after she’s finished her task or studies or project without feeling pain about how hard she worked on it. I’ve been always teaching patience and perseverance, without any object rewards or inflated praises. Only this type of kids will be able to keep themselves grit and mentally healthy at all times.
I love this! Im the mother of a 16 month old and already I can see “empty praises” effects on her. I do mean well and sometimes I talk to her about what she’s done. But because she isnt fully able to understand and verbalize yet – I realize i resort to the praises but I will definitely be doing it the correct way. I know she’ll feel the energy and overtime will be able to understand what I mean. She claps herself when she does something and looks at me for validation and i give it to her. But this article resonates alot with me and will be applying for sure.
I feel like this explains a lot of narcissist origins. Some where given too much praise and then when they grow up they look for people to continue to validate everything about them. And some were given too little and do they same thing forever searching. I like how this shows you still give them praise. But teach them to inner validate in a healthy way. Narcissists are just children who’s body’s have aged but their mentality hasn’t. They find ways to adapt and hide it the best they can. But many in their inner circle see their outbursts of adult tantrum. I like how this article says it helps the children have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. The narcissists does not mature and keeps a fixed mindset.
It’s always important to praise yourself in this manner, too. If you know what it feels like, you will know its value when you share it with another (especially an impressionable child). Then, what has always been part of your 1st Nature (the abilities with which you came to life to express) you are now making “2nd Nature.” Most adults have a profound disconnection when it comes to intrinsic confidence in our own ability. Encouraging yourself feels really good. Then share it to keep feeling it. Spread that gift around! Love this article!
I hears you and I agree, with most of it. HOWEVER my parents would always tell me how smart I was… and that I carried through life… because of that, I believed I was smart, really smart, and could figure out anything. I am 50 now, and I challenged myself so much because of my smarts. They also said I was the cutest baby,…. and I very attractive child. I am still challenging my mind and maintaining my attractiveness…. vs other who let themselves go. I was an only child and grew up in generation x… I had to do most things on my own. I treasure my ability to figure out anything. 💕 I hear the point, but praise help me be confident … then I learned to maintain it without praise….many years later.
Was recommended by early IQ tests and counselors that I would be best served by attending Montessori school…they said we could not afford it and as a result I was completely missed the correct responses and barely made it through Highschool and did not desire in further Education in a traditional setting and years later can still only learn things alone that draw my interesf…I can only imagine what I would have been had I had this kind of experience. So.glad you are here to change things for a better outcome for for students and parents alike. I felt like such a failure it stopped me from from functioning as a whole person and I still experience self doubt. Thank you for this. I KNOW it will help millions from making the same mistakes. ❤
I absolutely love this article. Every parent should watch it. It’s also useful for adults. We need to acknowledge ourselves for more than the achievements of outcomes. I do a process every night as I fall asleep where I think about all the places I grew, and evolved as a person. This focus on my inner self vs my outer achievements is powerful. We need to bring our attention inside towards the joy of doing things vs the joy of achievements. Thanks for creating this article!
I think that she makes a lot of good points in this article, and I personally like hearing good job when it comes to myself haha but also the more in-depth comments on efforts are really good. However I think that it really depends on the rest of the relationship the parent has with the child. So for example if a kid gets praised for art or cooking (even in a Montessori way) but is belittled, mistakes pointed out, the parent doesn’t really spend time with them, or treats them badly, I don’t think that even praising in a Montessori way would do much good bc the praise has to be genuine and be truthful to the kind of relationship the child and parent have. If the parent praises but is a jerk to the kid all the time then the kid might not believe the praises, but if the parent genuinely and lovingly praises the child and has a good relationship with the child I think that both “good job” or Montessori method will make a profound impact on that child.
My parents are of both Vietnamese and Chinese descent, and in my family, the concept of praise was virtually nonexistent. My parents didn’t have high expectations for us, but they also rarely showed praise or encouragement. During my high school years, I reached a point where I felt utterly lost, unsure of my aspirations, and lacking motivation to put effort into anything. Now, at the age of 34 with a 3-year-old son, I make it a point to offer praise when he does well and provide encouragement when he faces setbacks. I do this because I want to ensure that he doesn’t experience the same feelings of aimlessness and lack of motivation that I went through.
8:15 kids will literally show you anything they’ve created because they’re proud of it. Asking questions without saying you like it, will make them think they didn’t create anything pretty and that you don’t like it. And saying “thank you” when they’ve helped with a chore may make them think chores are not their job, but they will help if they feel like it. I prefer explaining that we need to, for example, wash clothes after we wear them because they are dirty, hang them to dry and then fold them and put them away, same with the dishes, etc. and I’ve noticed my son even not “bothering” me and waits for me to finish something when he can’t help, then comes and show a toy or drawing to me. It helps if they get to know the process behind everything. But otherwise a really good article, I’m glad I stumbled upon it and watched it.
You will not derail your child’s development by inadvertently using the wrong phrase in praise. You may derail your child’s development by spending your energy to create an artificial environment structured on small psychological studies that may or may not have revealed what they claim, because living this way will make you a neurotic wreck. Kids aren’t designed to be raised in perfect environments. They are built to find themselves in the midst of struggle. Their primary adversary is you. It’s your job to engage with fairness, love and consistency. If you can do this, most of the time, it doesn’t matter what phrases of praise you use. And if you can’t be fair, loving and consistent nothing you say will cover it up. Go have fun. Make mistakes. Laugh, cry, whatever. Your are going to be crap at parenting and you are also going to get it right sometimes and that’s okay.
I am an US public elementary school teacher and I see this in practice everyday. Some students walk across the room and get in line, and turn to the teacher expecting praise or rewards ( and teachers say “Good Job!” and hand them a piece of candy). Also, so many students seem to have no motivation to learn or do better. They might be 10 years old, can’t tie their shoes, and don’t seem motivated to learn (I learned when I was 4 years old). This explains some of the lack of motivation I see every day.
I’m not sure if I was conscious enough to be aware of what to say to my children when they accomplished something on their own. I think I probably took a cue from them. If they were proud, it would make me smile. If they were frustrated, I probably asked them where they were stuck and if they needed help figuring it out. This was a good article to see right now since I’m helping a friend who cares for her grandchild.
Great article. As a kid, school was always very easy and got put in the higher level classes and always praised. But I wasn’t forced to do homework or stick with anything or build a good work ethic. I came to expect everything to be easy and if I had to struggle, I would just give up and move on. That’s actually seems like a common attribute with young adults these days, and it’s terrible. Not only for the person but for society. At the end of the day, I need to changed my outlook and habits, and try to instill that in my own child. The right attitude and percerverence are more important than any “gifts”
This is information that is needed before bringing a child into the world. The fact is that most of us are caught up in the moment and aren’t necessarily aware of what the negative effects can be down the road. I did it both ways, and I believe there is always room for improvement. Thanks for the article.
Can we for a second appreciate how awesome parents we are for taking the time and grace to learn how to be a healthy human towards our little ones? Give yourself a pat on the back, acknowledge you are trying your best and continue learning babes… because we can always do more and do better for our kids and for ourselves. You got this! And thank you to the creator for this insightful article.
Wise and thoughtful praise that is sparing, I believe is important. As well as tailoring for individual needs. I was never praised for intelligence (lowest scores in exams being around 98%), instead it was “thanks to god and prayer” it made me extremely destructive for a period of time because all I wanted was to be praised for doing a good job but because I wasn’t, I stopped. In the end I said f them, they can think whatever they want and went back to doing well. Lack of praise caused lots of relationship issues for me when I was a child through to early adult years. So each to their own I guess.
I was another kid who was told all throughout my childhood that I was unusually smart, and also got punished for doing poorly on tests. It is SO. HARD. now as adult to grow out of that. Being in situations where I feel incompetent can still make me cry, even though that makes me feel so embarrassed. I can’t help it, it’s ingrained from childhood.
Thanks for this article, you have so many good points! Since I first heard about not giving praise like Good job, I’ve been surprised by how many people say it just because and it is so empty. One thing I’ve been working on lately is commenting on things like, ‘you are such a helpful daughter/son, you are so kind to your siblings, you are so tidy…’ and connecting them to specific actions that they have done. It’s amazing how when my daughter particularly thinks she is a helpful daughter she acts so much more helpful and this way of praising becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where my children feel good about what they are doing so they do more of it.
I really appreciated this article. I feel like it also applies to the validation we give to teens and even adults. I work in creative coaching and I do praise my clients. However, I am careful with the types of praise and encouragement in a manner very similar to the advice you shared. Navigating through life or meeting goals can be tricking no matter how old you are! Thank you so much!
I think this is all correct. As someone who heard “good job” and had high expectations for self, etc and struggles with panic, anxiety…need to be praised and fear trying new things. It is crazy!! I waited to hear “good job” and “I am proud of you” all the time. Wow, this blows my mind. I hope I can implement all of this for my daughter. Hard to break old habits.
Thank you for your effort to creat this article. (Yes, im learning! 😊) I am not a parent but i think this will also work for adults in my work team. One time, my teammate told me he doesnt need praise, like “good job” or “well done”. I was surprised to get this feedback thinking “who wouldnt love being praised?” 😅
My children were raised wether in school or in day to day life, what they put into whatever they are doing, it’s their accomplishments and to stand proud. My children learned, if they worked hard they could be any body they wanted to be. Out of three children, two own their own business through schooling and hard work. I not only patted them on their backs for their accomplishments but stood beside them with a positive shoulder and lots of love. It’s their future, not ours as parents. All kids must learn from the beginning, everything they do, there is consequences, good or bad and it’s up to them to be whomever they wish to be. Positive influences and always being there for them is a way to build them into great people. Proud of my kids, they are who they wanted to be and I still stand with my shoulder strong beside them. Love is the best you can give your children to grow up on. As my mother used to say, “There is two directions, one good, one bad and with each move you make, your choices will determine your future.” She was right on key.
Really grateful that I came across this article! I just had a moment with my boys yesterday and since I’m so used to giving the empty praise I didn’t know how to encourage them with their frustrations while they were playing and learning how to play a matching game. It wasn’t the best for all of us. I want to learn how to be better at giving what they need.
I always thought that i wished i did competitive sports when i was young because i felt like “to accomplish something by putting in the effort and work” only came when i was already in college. To realize that i was brought up the non montessori way, and it did make me feel like all i wanted to do was please my parents.
Thank you for your sharing of the Montessori approaches. My son is old enough to be your father but, he had 4 years old to 14 years old in Montessori. Would have gone to graduation but, school dissolved. He went to public school afterward and was in all ‘gifted’ classes (only because he excelled in abilities, not as an ego filler). So, it is such a good foundation/awareness to be used throughout life.
I was continuously praised as a child for being intelligent, to the point I hated it because it seemed like it was my only good feature. Also, being intelligent is mostly just luck. I was on the verge of becoming one of those brainy, mousy, serious people (and, being a woman, discarding my femininity too). It took me years to work on myself to believe I can be kind, agreeable, warm, or even creative.
😊As the grandma of two little girls I am very thankful for this important information! I totally support the idea of encouraging the “growth mindset” rather than always heaping simply praise! I wish I had known this when I raised my two sons!! Self-satisfaction is KEY to kids developing a strong self esteem! Thank you for sharing this IMPORTANT idea!
The content is very good and i believe quite accurate too. Just i think there are nuances that are missed from it, making it feel that we should stop saying good job altogether. I think respecting the child intrisic motivation is paramount, but in the meantime, since we are learning by mimetism, children look up to us to know what is right and what is wrong (and possibly this bleeds into “can you validate me?”, so it shouls be taken with care. So, we also need to explain a LOT about WHY we are pleased with their achievement. So, if a child succesfully buttons her shirt, I’d say “good job (as in: the work done is very good), it was really hard but you managed it, next time you can do it by yourself (reading, you’re big enough now, you don’t need my help, unless you ask of course)”. Or if the child helps with the dishes, one can say “thanks for helping mommy and daddy tidy up, good job”, etc. So the WHY, the context is key to any praise or its opposite. It’s not just ” because you’re amazing”, but there’s much more to it than that and here’s what. In any case, good content. Thanks. I’m following.
In my experience, being praised for my efforts in what I love instead of my appearance, intelligence, or something along those lines have been way more memorable. I remember the exact words that my teacher told me years ago. “You’ll go far.” Simple but so effective. It makes me smile that someone has seen and appreciated what I love doing.
The point is don’t over due it. I think level of praise is different for all kids as per their age n compatibility. I am still not stingy on praising laud n clear for my kids very fairly to that extent of any achievement as much its done right and for that step that lack I clearly express that need an improvement for that step. Being fair n realistic and open is my key to all relationships including kids.
Hazie it’s INCREDIBLE how research based this article is!! I wish we had more content like this on YouTube – so many people just toss out ideas with vague references to literature, but especially for something like child rearing I feel it’s soooo important to have responsible and informed ideas 🙂 anyways, I’m done nerding out now, but thanks very much for such killer content and I hope you post more 😊
thank you for this. I feel like I have broken my child. I went to patenting courses who advised lots of praise etc. My child began to get less and less excited and say the stuff he achieved was rubbish. This totally explains what has happened. My also needs validation from me for every little thing otherwise they feel anxious or not good enough. I’m changing the way I say things as of right now. 😢 my child is 5, I just hope I’m in time to help change their mind set and help them to become more independent and be able to try at more things feeling, and being proud of their own achievements, without needing validation from me or from someone else. Thank you again. This makes so much sense.
this is difficult for us with our toddler. we dote on him and I feel like I’m bursting with excitement every time he accomplishes even the smallest things. I also internalized the idea of positive reinforcement, so I find myself praising him for good behaviour often, without choosing my wording very carefully. thank you so much for posting, all of the research will push me in the right direction!
Thank you, Hazy! It is a very informative and inspirational article which let us learn about practical ways of some wise praise and their rationale. I am a mother of a 5-year-old boy. He has a rather reserved character. I often praise him with an aim to “give him positive reinforcement” whenever he has accomplishment. I have an awareness of praising my child’s effort (e.g. perseverance, hard-work) rather than the outcome. However, my son’s reactions showed that he was not comfortable with my praise. I was very puzzled. After perusal your article, I learnt that praise from parents could be a source of stress to kids. They may just need our (simple) acknowledgement of their effort. Even more importantly, they learn to be happy about their own accomplishment without others’ judgement . By the way, I am a new subscriber to your website. Thank you for sharing so much Montessori ideas with us! I would love to learn more from your website and keep perusal. Thank you!
Whatever we definitely want children to feel a sense of pride in the effort they present. The sole reason they look for verbal validation in others is to confirm their efforts are noticed. The problem would be having them lack confidence to a point of only realizing their own efforts through the validation of others. Just remind them that they did a good job and it would have been a great job whether anyone would of noticed or not. Make sure they’re not feeling like it’s a prize for you to notice them but that the prize was in the actual accomplishment itself.