Understanding the emotional dynamics of a borderline mother is crucial for navigating relationship challenges. Setting boundaries is essential for coping with a borderline mother, and prioritizing self-care, mindfulness, and seeking professional support can help foster healthier relationships. Studies have found that interactions between mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and their infant children are characterized by insensitivity, high levels of intrusion, and low positive responses to infant distress.
To help heal from a childhood with a BPD parent, be mindful of triggers with your parents and take action to avoid or minimize exposure to them. Parents with high BPD features reported significantly greater parenting stress, distress, difficult child, and difficult parent-child relationships compared to those without BPD. Children who grow up with a borderline mother or father often face immense emotional turbulence during their younger years, often feeling confused, ashamed, and lacking a sense of who they are.
Children of borderline mothers have more psychiatric diagnoses, impulse control disorders, and a higher frequency of child abuse. People with BPD have problems regulating their emotions, seek love and nurturing from others, and are afraid of abandonment or abandonment.
In conclusion, understanding the complexities of emotional dynamics and implementing effective strategies can help navigate the challenges faced by borderline mothers and their children.
📹 PARENTS WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:LESSONS WE LEARN AS THEIR CHILDREN
This video explores the lessons we can learn and internalize as children raised by generally *untreated and undiagnosed* …
What are BPD eyes?
Manic eyes are a symptom in individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) associated with heightened emotional states, such as extreme excitement, agitation, or rage. These eyes may be observed during episodes of emotional dysregulation, but not all BPD patients will exhibit manic eyes. The cause of manic eyes in BPD is not well understood, but it is believed to be related to the emotional intensity experienced during dysregulation episodes.
Recognizing and addressing underlying emotional triggers can help manage symptoms and reduce the likelihood of exhibiting manic eyes. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a specialized form of cognitive-behavioral therapy designed to address the unique challenges faced by individuals with BPD. DBT skills can promote emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, helping to manage BPD symptoms.
Does BPD get worse with age?
Borderline personality disorder, a serious condition that typically begins in early adulthood, is most severe in young adulthood. While mood swings, anger, and impulsiveness improve with age, self-image, fear of abandonment, and relationship issues persist. Treatment can help many individuals with borderline personality disorder live stable, more fulfilling lives, affecting their self-perception, relationships, and behavior.
What is a BPD mom like?
Parenting challenges specific to mothers with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) include oscillations between over-involvement and under-involvement, which are considered extreme forms of inconsistencies. These inconsistencies in emotion socialization practices, discipline, and monitoring strategies contribute to the development of BPD. Mothers with BPD may exhibit more neglectful and punishing responses to their adolescent’s emotional displays, even when controlling for current depressive symptoms. They also report almost equal amounts of reward, a supportive emotion socialization strategy, compared to depressed and healthy control mothers.
Mothers with BPD may engage in a greater number of negative parenting behaviors, which may increase their offspring’s risk for psychopathology. The combined effects of maternal inconsistency across emotion socialization and monitoring may create an environment invalidating enough to contribute to the development of BPD in the offspring. For example, a mother with BPD may find it difficult to balance appropriate limit setting with the encouragement of exploration and growth for their children.
Current interventions for mothers with BPD and their children are not available, but authors have made general recommendations favoring attachment therapies, especially during infancy through the preschool period, and/or psychoeducation-based interventions for family members of those with BPD. These interventions may help mothers with BPD balance appropriate limit setting with the encouragement of exploration and growth for their children.
In conclusion, mothers with BPD face unique parenting challenges, including oscillations between over-involvement and under-involvement, which can contribute to the development of BPD in their offspring.
What does BPD look like in mother’s?
Parenting challenges specific to mothers with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) include oscillations between over-involvement and under-involvement, which are considered extreme forms of inconsistencies. These inconsistencies in emotion socialization practices, discipline, and monitoring strategies contribute to the development of BPD. Mothers with BPD may exhibit more neglectful and punishing responses to their adolescent’s emotional displays, even when controlling for current depressive symptoms. They also report almost equal amounts of reward, a supportive emotion socialization strategy, compared to depressed and healthy control mothers.
Mothers with BPD may engage in a greater number of negative parenting behaviors, which may increase their offspring’s risk for psychopathology. The combined effects of maternal inconsistency across emotion socialization and monitoring may create an environment invalidating enough to contribute to the development of BPD in the offspring. For example, a mother with BPD may find it difficult to balance appropriate limit setting with the encouragement of exploration and growth for their children.
Current interventions for mothers with BPD and their children are not available, but authors have made general recommendations favoring attachment therapies, especially during infancy through the preschool period, and/or psychoeducation-based interventions for family members of those with BPD. These interventions may help mothers with BPD balance appropriate limit setting with the encouragement of exploration and growth for their children.
In conclusion, mothers with BPD face unique parenting challenges, including oscillations between over-involvement and under-involvement, which can contribute to the development of BPD in their offspring.
How to tell if a parent has BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by severe mood swings, a negative self-image, chronic depression, fear of abandonment, poor impulse control, self-harm, and unstable relationships. Many children may not notice these symptoms until they become adults. Growing up with a difficult mother may lead to questions about whether it contributed to their adult issues, and if they have a mother with BPD, the answer is often in the affirmative.
What are the 4 types of mothers with BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) subtypes are frequently mentioned in popular media and psychology books, despite not being recognized by the DSM-V. For instance, Dr. Christine Lawson’s book Understanding the Borderline Mother identifies four subtypes of mothers with BPD: the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch. In The Essential Family Guide to BPD, Randi Kreger grouped people with BPD into lower-functioning/conventional and higher-functioning/invisible types. The conventional type often exhibits self-destructive behavior that requires intervention and is low-functioning, similar to internalizing symptoms.
How does a parent with BPD affect their children?
Mothers with bipolar disorder (BPD) frequently engage in insensitive interactions with their children, which can impede their child’s development of environmental sensitivity and give rise to a range of interpersonal challenges.
What are the four types of borderline mother-daughter relationships?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense mood swings, difficulty managing emotions, unstable relationships, and distorted self-perception. These symptoms can uniquely affect a mother’s parenting style and the parent-child dynamic. The Waif Mother, a type of mother with BPD, often exhibits helpless, victim-like behaviors, struggling with feelings of worthlessness and fear of abandonment. The Hermit Mother, characterized by paranoia and fear of the outside world, is often marked by paranoia and fear of the outside world.
The Queen Mother, also known as the Witch Mother, is marked by idealizing and devaluing others, including their children. The Waif Mother’s relationship with her child may be unhealthy, as the child feels responsible for their mother’s emotional well-being. Understanding the core features of BPD is crucial for understanding different types of mothers with BPD.
What is the trauma of a mother with BPD?
Historically, mothers have been considered primary caregivers and emotional anchors for children. Studies on maternal Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have revealed trauma reactions in their children, including disruptions in early attachment, low self-esteem, confused identity, and depression. Growing up with a mother with BPD is a complex journey where love and cruelty intertwine, leaving one perplexed and anxious. This essay delves into the challenges of having a mother with BPD, addressing crucial aspects like maintaining contact, setting boundaries, and healing lifelong wounds left behind.
The relationship with mothers shapes our core as we navigate life, but those with BPD face endless obstacles and painful wounds. These experiences leave individuals feeling wounded, ashamed, and uncertain of where to turn.
Is BPD inherited from mother or father?
The study reveals that parental externalizing psychopathology and father’s BPD traits contribute to the genetic risk of offspring BPD traits, while mothers’ BPD traits and poor parenting contribute to environmental risks for the development of these offspring traits. This highlights the importance of understanding the relationship between familial risk factors and child disruptive behavior disorders.
What is the biggest indicator of BPD?
Borderline personality disorder is typified by pronounced mood fluctuations, a lack of self-assurance, and a tendency for rapid shifts in affect towards others, which can result in unstable interpersonal relationships and emotional distress. This disorder can result in extreme fluctuations in emotional states, ranging from intense attachment to sudden aversion.
📹 Raised by a Borderline Parent? What you need to know
Have you ever felt like you were constantly walking on eggshells with a parent? Unsure of what mood they’d be in next, caught in …
I feel sorry for my mum for having this. However I’m disappointed she didn’t tell me till I was almost 30! She also didn’t do what she was meant to do after being diagnosed. I suffered as a child and young adult. I can’t explain the pain I suffered being in that environment. I’m moving forward now though and do realise it’s not her fault for being this way and nothing she said was actually personal. Prayers to you all ❤
Well, I now know why my mother emptied the entire contents on my room and put all my stuff including the bed on the front porch. I was on my bike one day and she called to me; I didn’t acknowledge her and didn’t stop bicycling. I have been wondering why she did this for a long time. Jay, I have said this time and time again, your assessments are so correctly detailed that one could easily understand what they went through and recover from negative family origin. Thank you for putting out vids, you are helping a lot of people understand and heal.
Does a borderline mother enjoy emotionally hurting her child? My mother loved bringing me down, taking me from happy to anxious, ashamed, and humiliated. I could see in her eyes she enjoyed it. I became no longer ever cheerful. I’m trying to understand my life, at this late age, either that or be engulfed in difficulties. This is the first I considered maybe she was borderline. Your articles are so thoughtful and helpful -thank you.
With such a parent, relationships with significant others are always an arena of competition with you. You are always a thorn in their side, especially when you are still small and cute. They compete with you for the love of the other parent, their own parents, and so on. That, to me, is the main differentiator from the narcissist.
I helped raise 5 of the ten children, I cleaned, diapered, did laundry, wrote checks and even ironed my dad’s shirts all before my teen years. Aunt said to mother, “you will destroy this child”. My parents divorced after i went to college- knowing it could affect me. I battled eating disorders, bpd, eventually became a scapegoat. I was part golden-child, kind, trying to help my parents, family. Father used me until he got old, then turned on me siding with the adult narcissistic siblings. Mother and I became close. She validated the cruelty said, “they were wrong- they’re all mixed up” She said i was smarter than all my siblings- i think she meant emotionally- even though i was labelled the “sensitive” one. I walked away from all my siblings. It was like cutting off a limb, i truly want to be close, love them. I feel relief, yet, grieve the idea of close sisters, brothers. I’m pretty i have a few BPD in-laws, possibly siblings too. My father was a coersive npd, i heard the term at about age twelve- i was sent to a therapist who said, i was articulate, intelligent and wanted to see my parents. Now i see how parents tried to project their emotional issues onto me. A few siblings- copied that behavior into adulthood, scapegoated me. It became a way to defend their bad actions.
I’m not at all confused. This has been my mom from day 1. A sweetheart at heart but so damaged that she apparently can’t help herself. Many of your examples are exactly what transpired, even at her age of 82!! I of course, as her child, have been traumatized by the thought of her passing but also from time to time, wondered about the feeling of release (as my eyes well up with tears). Thank you for this spot on explanation.
Happy Mother’s Day to Survivors who raised themselves while appeasing an untreated, personality-disordered parent. This article will tell you if were also raised by an Amber Heard! No wonder this trial is so obvious to me & triggering. I assumed from the law breaking, rage, & violence it was more likely Sociopathy in my experience (& with Amber). My abuser definitely has this type of malignant Borderline as well as Narcissism. I thought borderline was about cutting and self harm, not rage & violence towards others. It seems worse than Narcissism IMO!! I think my grandmother had Histrionic because she was always very sweet, affectionate, & generous in a superficial way but also dramatic and prone to conflict. Being raised by women like this can be completely life ruining. The whole family had to revolve around them, or else. The price of non participation is like leaving a cult or the mafia. She could never stay close to anyone without constant rejection, criticism, nitpicking, devaluation, sabotage, manipulation. The recipient of the abuse would switch around the family or even outsiders used to create “jealousy,” when in fact we would be relieved she turned her hyper fixation on someone else. Idealization is always followed by cruelty, gossip, character assassination, & destroying the trust and any connection. Then a silent treatment when you wonder what you did wrong to be receiving false rumors, hate mail, & stalking, followed by demands to caretake her feelings again with no apology, lots of blame & gaslighting, and zero discussion of the abuse, as if it never happened.
Yea I grew up wondering why I couldn’t “help or fix” my mom. I witnessed the breakdowns, depression, addiction, impulsivity, anger, rage, the ongoing relationships she’d have, etc. I’d either get the overly affectionate side of her or the indifferent side. I can best think of it as “I didn’t want to be a burden on her” since her life seemed so sad and I didn’t want to make her sad. I always also wondered why she didn’t have any friendships or have any parts in the communities we’d move to. It was always about her love life and the vicious cycles. I seemed to be her therapist and the devaluing of her boyfriends seemed to be the time we’d bond the most. This is sad because there were other healthy things we could’ve bonded over such as extracurricular activities or events or maybe just normal daughter and mom time but oh well. She was also a single mom always trying to make ends meet so she was working all the time and other than that she was doing idk what at home. Now as an adult I am hurt she’s not really a true part in my kids lives but maybe that’s a good thing?? Idk
This is a very thought provoking article. I remember trying to give my mother a kiss on the cheek before heading off to school as a very young girl and her getting angry and shoving me away. My parents separated after I was born and when I visited my fathers house he would give me a bunch of Lilly of the Valley from his garden. On return home my mother would fly into a rage and shout at me to put the flowers in the bin. I can remember pleading that they were just little white flowers but she was not having it. I also dared to ask, age 4, if the food I was eating was from an animal and again she began to get very angry, but as I loved animals I persisted and she eventually agreed it was. After that I refused to eat meat and her friends would speak about me as if I was not normal and would ask if I was still not eating meat and saying to her that I would grow out of it. I am still vegetarian today as I have always loved animals. I am the youngest of three sisters, and sadly my middle sister that I got on very well with, suddenly died last year and I miss her very much. She moved abroad because my mother was very controlling and often angry. Having watched this article, I do wonder if my mother had borderline personality. But as she died quite a few years ago, I don’t suppose I will ever know. Thank you for these very interesting and informative articles.
As the victim of scapegoating narc abuse (among other kinds), I have tended to be very thin-skinned in my life, quick to rejection, hyper focused on the badness in others (as a means of self protection). I lost a number of friendships along the way because I couldn’t trust. I remember a friend once telling me he felt like he was starting from scratch every time he saw me. These things don’t automatically make ME “borderline”, but they do give me pause. We victims of severe trauma are not perfect. We have our own flaws and blind spots. We have probably put unconscious demands on those around us, from time to time. I think healing work has to make room for our own imperfections, and even for a kind of empathy or pity towards abusive figures, without for one moment excusing their behaviour or minimising the damage they have caused.
The borderline is violent. My mom and younger sister are both borderline’s. They are vampires. They need others to regulate themselves. It’s interesting how Amber Heard kept throwing bottles at Johnny. My younger sister’s favorite weapon was to throw soda cans at me, striking me in the head when I had my back to her. She’s also closed fist punched me in the back of the head. When I was really depressed due to the abuse from my family, my sister came over unannounced. My house was a mess since self care was not a priority given my depression. During my sister’s visit I set her off, which didn’t take much. That’s when she unleashed her narcissistic rage. See then started taking pictures of my messy home and said she would share it with everyone. The borderline has self control. How do I know this. They know how to behave in public or when there are witnesses. I reject the premise that it’s subconscious and they don’t know what they’re doing. Their identity is “victim”. My sister also tortured her boyfriends. I’m glad borderline and histrionic personality disorder are finally being shared with a national audience.
This was helpful for me. I think my mom has BPD. I have realized that she cannot tolerate real intimacy but she also frequently complains about not feeling close enough to her kids. Trying to make us feel guilty for rejecting her, all the while she is the one rejecting us. I never realized that moments of intimacy and connection were directly triggering her complaints and devaluations of us. But it sounds right to me. It is a way to break the intimacy. She is so sweet to most people and no one ever believes me about how abusive she was at home. She secretly beat my four year old brother for several years. I only found out when he turned 19 and told me. She turned off her rage completely when other people came around and when my dad got home from work. It was only for the kids to experience 😞. Terrifying. I’m 32 now and she hasn’t changed at all.
What I would say to all of you who have been brought up by a BPD parent is don’t bring this into a relationship with an innocent person. Deal with your parent by making sure you are capable of setting and enforcing boundaries, if not remove them from your life before you enter into a relationship. It is incredibly selfish to bring someone into such a toxic mentally damaging environment.
My mother still acts out greatly if i try to date (im 30). She either threaten blackmail or have a public meltdown making it too much of a weird thing for potential partner. She is totally wicked until you succumb to her wishes-then its a total 180 change. Sweet, overly doting etc. My mother has only calmed down a bit bc i think she realises im the only one left. It she runs me off she’ll truly be alone since she has no friends.
My covert narc mom who probably had BPD tendencies gave me the gift of Quiet BPD. Took years to get diagnosed and another 10+ years to recover. I still have problems with splitting. I still have a lot of shame stuck at my core even though I know I am a wonderful person. I still look to others to try to reflect my worth back to me. It’s hard for me to trust people and trust that they like me for who I am vs. what I do for them. Jay your articles are some of the best I’ve seen on these topics.
This is beyond anything what people from normal families could even imagine… I often feel very isolated since even my friends wouldn’t understand. I am 26 years old and my mom with personality disorder and also narcissistic traits took her life nearly 3 years ago. One of the worst things is, she caused so much damage on my soul and then she just disappeared, no letter no explanation left. Just those memories which hurt so much of why did she say that, and why did she do that to me? Questions and sorrow with no possible closure. Let’s try to stay strong little bit longer
I’m in a weird spot where I have picked up these behaviors strongly from my mother since I was isolated growing up. My teen years I had no friends and was homeschooled so I soaked up her issues like a sponge. My therapist says the key difference is I recognize them and realize I’m the problem. But that being said I feel like I am a tumor on the lives of everyone around me due to these attributes. I just wish I could wake up as someone else one day. It’s very exhausting
I knew this would be too triggering for me to watch on Mother’s Day, but I’m glad I got it in this week. Your analysis is spot on, the most accurate description of my experience. No one gets it like you. The landline phone call example literally was my experience as a child numerous times. Thank you for providing such validation for being a survivor of such parenting.
You articles have helped me see that my father is most likely an overt narc and my mother is a covert narc with BPD traits. The narc descriptions fit perfectly. BPD not so much. My wife’s employer’s sister is diagnosed BPD and when I hear stories of some of the things she does I realize that BPD is no joke and my parents probably are more full blown narcs rather than having BPD. They are too “stable” in how their narcissism presents. I’ve often wondered if maybe I had the internalized version of BPD where you lash out at yourself instead of others. DID fits better as far as symptom descriptions go. Scary, scary stuff growing up in these environments.
“they are aware of power dynamics” they KNOW who they can abuse and sound off on and who they can’t. My mom rarely saw anyone outside of the family because she couldn’t get away with the bat shit with others, but with children, vulnerable children, who needed her for everything’s and whose self worth become dependent on making her happy (impossible)
I’m curious about why a parent would be disinterested in how they affect the child? That’s the unforgivable part. And when that parent purposely tries to cause hardship on the child. I’m also curious about a parent who tries to get a child kidnapped on purpose and not care what happens to them. It’s as if they feel the child’s life is garbage to throw away.
Very helpful article, thankyou! My mother is a BPD (very much) with some narc traits and father was a high grade narcissistic with strong sociapath/psychopath traits. I have been no contact with father since I was 16 and strongly contemplating no contact with my now 70 year old mother. Childhood was extreme abuse on all levels that I am continuing to heal layer by layer.
You captured it well. Great words and description of the energy. My Mom, my GM (guessing) and my sibling. There is a Borderline Reaction set of symptoms- suspend judgement/discernment, hypervigilience, collude in self betrayal, self harm, etc. There are variations in how the children react. We had four children and we all processed it differently. Then in adulthood, we make choices about the pattern as adult siblings. Your words are healing. TY.
Thank you so very much for this, Jay. This article is groundbreaking for me. You have just explained my mom to a T. This new light and knowledge is extremely important for me and helps me to understand on a new level why I am the way I am and how I can fix it..by not shaming myself anymore. Do you have any more articles on Borderline parents coming up? Thank you for all the good work that you do. You are changing lives and all of us in YouTube land are very thankful.
I had a narc mother and Im the one with BPD as a result. I chose not to marry or have kids in order to kill off this legacy. I keep distance from people because I know of what im capable. Its a hollow life as I myself am empty. The best solution i could come up with is to use my superpower of valuing to be good to people. And dissappearing when the devaluing happens. In other words, i give a lot of love to people and when before or as im switching i disappear until i switch back. As a result, i can keep people in my life, even tho no one really knows me. But this way Im not alone
There is so much in this article that describe my parents. It seems like both of my parents have the qualities of narcissism and borderline, with my mom exhibiting more of the borderline qualities and often being portrayed as the more unstable one. Both of my parents need people to show them constant adoration and appreciation, often bringing conversations back around to them. They both also switch on a dime and see others as all good or all bad. My mom can go from seeing others as too needy to being engulfing. I see borderline tendancies in myself, such as seeing others and myself as all good or bad, conditioned in me by my parents. But my behavior towards others doesn’t switch on a dime and I don’t have a need to attack others to make myself feel better.
Really appreciate this article and the clarity of your explanations. I have a parent with borderline personality (it’s been renamed hasn’t it to emotionally unstable personality disorder, I think?) and it’s been incredibly difficult, traumatic and has taken two decades of work for me to finally be able to see that her rage is about what’s going on inside of her, and that I am okay. Thank you.
I wasn’t raised by a borderline parent. This article showed up in my news feeds so I clicked on it. But honestly, having a borderline parent sounds horrendous. I feel with all the survivors. However, after listening to your description, I’m pretty sure that my ex-partner was a borderliner. He acted differently towards other people, had crazy mood swings, did horrible verbal abuse, did drugs and had debts etc..Also, whenever we had a nice and harmonic moment he usually started an argument without any reasons. It happened so often that I started to believe that he did it on purpose. I remember I always had to walk on egg shells around him not to trigger his bad mood. That’s why I’m coping with post-traumatic symptoms.
Thanks for the great article Jay! For the most part this describes my BPD mother and step mother. Though I wanted to comment and add to the discussion that their is different flavors of BPD. The description of Jays in the article above, and as described by Otto Kernberg, I think more aptly describes more of the extroverted types of BPD mothers as featured in the archetypes witch BPD mother. This was a lot like my step mom. Never really sure what I was going to get from her, yelling screaming etc? My bpd mother, who fits more of a waif/ hermit archetype is much more introverted, reclusive and neglectful by contrast. So while I agree with everything that Jay has said, I just wanted to add that in the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, the author describes many of these various archetypes of BPD and their methods if this is of help to anyone. Have a great day!
Mystery Solved: Now I understand why my mother so vigorously ran off my friends when I was a child. She even showed up at my school, sitting in the back of the classroom objecting to what the teacher was saying – Naturally, I was outcast by the entire school. Later when I got a job at a drug store, she came and boycotted the store for selling adult magazines. She could have objected to any number of 1000s of stores in the Greater Chicagoland area – But she chose my store. Naturally, the owner of the store and the employees made my life a living hell. In short, my mother HAD to run off all my friends. It is part of her pathology! My father is the narcissist. He gas-lights her continually. So, she fills up with negativity like a static electricity charge. She will need to discharge that bad energy. I am the scapegoat, so quite naturally she will attack me out of the blue – Projecting that shame onto me. I am the designated “bad guy”.
” how developed a person has been permitted to become….” that is the crux of the matter. I have ended many relationships because of this. People trying to word scenarios to control my usefulness to them. This explains some of the bizarre interactions I’ve had with people, and how they never get resolved
May I make a suggestion about the editing? I think the content is great, but as I try to pay attention to the words, I also feel very anxious about the cuts in black, like not knowing when they’re going to appear and cut the visual contact with the speaker, which is a real important factor in such a deep content… ♥️ Thank you for reading me 😊
I am the child of a diabolically Narcissistic father and a tumultuous and chaotic borderline mother, and my only sibling has OCD so bad he can barely function (trauma based). I myself struggle with severe anxiety and depression, as well as emotional stability. Life so far has been very hard and lonely but I know things will get better. Feels so uphill at times..thank you for the helpful vid
I want people who grew up with abuse and pain from your guardians (Parents, step-parents, grandparents etc.) just know, this wasn’t your fault and it had nothing to do with you. You weren’t a bad child or a child that deserved any of this. This was all their issues not yours. You weren’t the issue or source of the reason your guardian abused you, it has everything to do with them.
Thank you Sir for doing these article’s. I’m using them so I can learn, my husband is the scapgoat of a Nar mother . I have been attempting to understand this dinamic and thus far i’ was clueless . Then I found your article’s . Again thank you .I grew up in La county (Downey Ca ) my Parents were not like this so my husbands family has thrown me for a loop so to speak, I knew they where odd but until know i didn’t understand .My eye’s are now wide open and now i am not feeling so bad about ditancing myself from these people.
I just found out my Dad has BPD. I’m not sure long ago, he’s in his 70s. we’ve been out of touch due to his condition. It’s like now I can see how I can be compassionate towards him. I’m sending both he and my Mum a copy of Dr Gabor Mate’s ‘The Myth of Normal’. I hope whatever underlying emotional issues can be soothed by this book.
Not sure I would call my father borderline. It was much more complex than that. All I know is coming out of it alive is a miracle. For a child taught no life skills, I still have hope for myself. I will focus on my good qualities. No one should attempt to control another’s emotions or project their emotional dysfunction onto them.
I found out my mother had BPD when my good friend was diagnosed and I told her. She responded by say thats what they said I had. I looked it up and was so glad I finally knew where all those years of the yelling and screaming and her controlling me came from. What should I do now that I know.. I am an adult now
Sounds like psychopathy. My mother acted exactly the same. My parents had a store and one day my sister hit me, i complained to my mother and she took me to the office in the back and tortured my for hours, slapping, pulling my hair, screaming at my face, putting her hands around my neck..as soon as a client would step in she would go with a calm demeanor, serve the client and continue ther torture session. The phone example was weekly. My mother was never depressed, never self harmed, no suicidal ideation. She abused only those who she has control over including her younger siblings and then her children. This is not “emotional dysregulation”, i have it an because of that doctor concluded i have bpd traits but when i break down i break down in front of anyone and I’m more likely to lash out to someone i perceive who has power over me like a manager or boss…so i definitely don’t get away with it. Consciously harming those who cannot defend themselves doenst sound like emotional instability. Something doesn’t add up.
Im confused, the lack of core identity is also something I experience as the scapegoat. I feel very unstable at times and have a hard time knowing who I am so I can kind off morph into I think will not get me rejected. I also am continuously scanning for threats and take every joke seriously and think people mean harm. Is bpd similar to the effects of narcissistic abuse? Or am I just similar because this is my pseudoidebtity imposed on me by my bpd and npd abuser?
My former mother in law was borderline, my ex was borderline and some of my siblings are borderline. I am the devalued and hated one. I have PTSD and it almost destroyed me….and because my borderline sibs blamed me, then my ex and his mother blamed me….I loved them….thought they loved me and were trying to help me….naturally my children followed their fathers example. What about that dynamic. I am in therapy and I am seeing the problem….but even in my family my children have lied and people believed them without even talking to me or examining the other side. People don’t like me and have convinced others it’s me that doesn’t like them which isn’t true. I see my grandchildren in the situation you describe, using their children as pawns and such. What about when you husband and/or siblings are borderline and have hijacked the whole family?
In the case of bpd I think it’s not fair to generalise like that. I’m borderline and 44. I have practice transcendental meditation since 21 and it has helped manage it tremendously. I don’t identify with the parent you describe here and I don’t like the generalization. Professionals like you treat mostly the most extreme cases but we are not all that bad and being a parent has given me a lot of stability and extructure. I loved every minute of it.
Im sure my mom had bpd. She was horrible to me. Physically abused and emotionally abused me. My sister also shows symptoms. She is cruel to me and obviously she split me blk when we were kids. Both her and my mom made up insane stories about me. Low and behold i have been in 2 relationships with borderlines. This last one lasted 7 yrs and its over but the suffering was intense.
Why is self care so difficult for me to achieve? I believe that my narcissistic father wanted to serve up revenge for going no contact only two years. Then foolishly, I went back for my first visit in twenty years just to get punished for leaving! A few years ago, my sister called my buddy to tell him that she was worried about his health since I didn’t contact him. I stayed away during this time and was able to thrive! Now I feel so bad!
During my childhood, If I didn’t do EVERYTHING with my mom ( even to use the toilet) i had to deal with the shame of setting boundaries just for my basic privacy. Fast forward to today, BPD mom is still doing the same crap only i do not allow it. She cries if i tell her to give me space. She also tells everyone i am a bad daughter if i dont want to take her everywhere with me. I always felt like that parent to her. She was abandoned as a child, so i understand…. but i also understand that it isn’t my responsibility to make sure she is regulated
Is borderline considered one step below schizophrenic, or is that schizotypal disorder? I thought it was the first, but it sounds like they are the most in touch with reality. I heard that PTSD can develop into BPD which can develop into schizophrenia. Also I am wondering to what degree these disorders can be induced say through gang stalking and electronic harassment. Maybe people are even given the symptoms of the disorders without having the actual disorders. This can be used as a means to control or enslave people with certain traits deemed potentially valuable or dangerous to the perpetrators. I am also wondering to what degree the psychiatric medicines such as antipsychotics cause splits to the point where the person breaks from reality and is more susceptible to inner torment, voices, ESP, etc. It seems to me that schizophrenia would be the ultimate loss of the sense of one’s self. Also do you see this as an entry point for demonic possession and ultimate loss of not only the mind but the soul?
She pulls everyone into a fit and when it’s done I realize it was for naught. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting. I’m about done w her and I’m fucking 40. One sibling cut her off and two keep distance. I’ve always had a rule of not cutting off family but im about to break it. I have 3 daughters. She’s attempting to deteriorate my parenthood and my girls are drifting. I made children so I could let them not experience what I did and it feels like she’s trying to do it to them. No one has space for themselves around her. It’s all about her.
It feels really good to hear information articulating behavior of someone I love who was traumatized Remember children were still used in the United States until 1907-1917? And as a community of people we didn’t think about little ones emotional development and the balence of needs how nutrition and illness and temperament and acceptance of all temperaments Until? Maybe we’re all survivors And yes it’s import to have validation for our anger but we can only change our lives I just want to feel empowerment. Because I for so long didn’t have access to educated professionals And some professional aren’t healthy Wow so much change in history manufacturing Emotional Thankyou for this education I really appreciate it I want to change so bad behaviors or shame that is not mine
Borderlines have that same thing narc people have that its like talking to a person without empathy that at its core is selfabsorbed or narcisistic. Its like talking to a person who can’t connect empathically. Who can’t really understand another persons needs, or boundaries. And can even blame that very thing on other people. I was in a group with a borderline, and she could be nice and seem harmless. After a while i connected the dots. I would have to bring up the same needs over and over to her. There was a point where i told her im not going to explain anymore to you, because i think its clear enough, and thats it. And it really wasn’t about me, it was more about that explaining emotions to a person that actually has no empathy even if they seem nice superficially becomes a task. In the end they can be even more dangerous than the narc, because they can pass as sweet. Though narc women can also do this specially the covert narcs. And infact, they can intertwine borderline/narc traits/ etc. Its a personality disorder thats cluster b at the end of the day. They are self-serving, they survived trauma (like all of us here did, though I stayed an empath, and needed to work on people pleasing traits initially) – cluster b’s survived trauma by becoming perpetrators in a nutshell….. I suffered narc abuse in childhood and developed a fawn response and internalized a lot of the shame my narc parent projected at me, i was afraid to ask for my needs, i was afraid to protest abuse, i felt i deserved poor treatment even if i knew i didnt i had my healthy anger response supressed, I was the family scapegoat.
Hed be one to flip. I often wondered of he was manic. He was brilliant, kind then hed act cruel. My dad was a only child who had seven children..he said his childhood was so lonrly he had us all so hed never be lonely again I stuck withhim.to the end but im zad i dodnt see mymiw. Self worth earlier. We didnt gave utube….my nyrse practitioner s sucks
I found out that I have bpd this year and I always wanted to have children because I told myself that I would be a better parent than my narcissistic parents but this sad reality makes me feel discouraged with having children myself even though I am working on myself and my behaviours and really want children.. but I don’t want my children to suffer as a result of my mental condition due to trauma I’m still healing from. 🤍