How Can Verbal Abuse Be Avoided?

“bullies aren’t really happy” always sounds to me like a cheesy excuse. I remember the group of kids that tormented me during middle school, they were happy and were all friends, spending most of their time together. I don’t know how they’re doing right now, but at those times their friendship didn’t look fake at all.

Got diagnosed with ptsd, anxiety and depression last year, as 26-year-old woman. Turns out the bullying I went through was the cause of my torment. As much as people might say to pity my bullies, I still have anger and can never show pity for them no matter how much they struggled. I had my own struggles at home with my father suffering and dying from cancer and I hurt a lot because of family drama, but the difference between me and the bullies is that I never wanted anyone to feel the pain I went through. Even when the bullying was at its worst I never felt the urge to tear other people down to build myself up. Instead of adults taking action and giving my bullies consequences for what they did, they just told me “imagine how awful their lives are to hurt you. imagine how hurt they must feel” or “they just have a crush on you”… So by them telling me over and over how the lives of the bullies must be hard was the only “action” they took for me to “just deal with it”…. I’m angry and broken because I had to suffer and be punished because the bullies “might struggle themselves” I will never pity bullies unless they actually show change, growth and feel somewhat sorry for what they did, but that still doesnt mean that I will ever forgive them either. I don’t seek out my bullies because I feel like that’s the one power I have over them. Their lives now never cross my mind and I have no intentions of ever talking to them. Regardless if they’re sorry or not I will never forgive them and my only “revenge” is only to fix what they broke in me and work hard to achieve my goals.

There are two types of bully victims: those who turn the hate outwards (they become bullies themselves), & those who turn the hate inwards (like me). I know this might seem ridiculous or weird, but if you have a hard time telling yourself the things you’d tell a best friend who was going through what you are, buy a large, affordable plushie of huggable size. make that plushie your best friend, give them a name, hug them when you’re upset, turn to them when you’re lonely, stuff like that. Give them a voice, put on one to let them say the helpful, kind things to you you find so hard to say to yourself. My plushie sharky is my best friend & my best therapist all in one, oh & with grounding she helps too. She looks adorable & her fluffy “denticles” are so soft, especially after a gentle grooming. Through her I’ve found a Discord group of others who share troubles with each other & their sharkies, as well as fun pictures of our sharkies’ personalities & fun activities. It’s delightful & wholesome. The fact I picked a plushie sharky is part of what got me interested in real sharkies as well.

I was bullied all through my childhood. I am still struggling with the aftermath and I am 40 years old. I ended up internalizing so much, I loathed myself. For years I could not take properly care of myself, my hygiene, or anything because deep inside I felt that I did not deserve to have a clean home, etc. Also, I became really good at blocking the hurt, shaking it off. Like I had an elephant skin. I also never confided in any adults. I just swallowed it up. But it means that I still suck at feeling myself and expressing those feelings. This has cost me quite a few relationships. And my anger gets triggered very easily when I have the sense that I am being stepped on or ignored. I am currently trying to work through it with a professional. What still bugs me is that at least some of the teachers must have noticed even though I didn’t confide. I am a teacher myself, and honestly, I think the signs are not too hard to miss. Maybe we need to train teachers much better in this regard.

I had 2 sisters who bullied me until I was about 35 years old (when I moved out of state). It definitely affected me. I can’t count how many times I said to myself “she was right, I am stupid,slow etc”. After 25 years I met her again at the funeral of the other sister. She is now a seemingly a kind person which is a welcomed relief. I have found that she (and our other two sisters) had just as rotten a childhood has I did. I’m glad it has ended well but their are other people who are still struggling as adults. It’s sad

I think, particularly, the worst thing is that it robs you the serenity in being vulnerable. When one’s bullied, you don’t like that feeling of impotence, of being the victim and, at the same time, in order to overcome it, you learn to repress the signs of your suffering because intuitively you know that it is precisely what feedsback the abuse. Then, you go as “I’m not affected, I don’t feel, I ignore you” so that they slowly let you alone (which kind of works); and you even end up believing it yourself “I’m surprisingly fine, I’m strong enough”. However, it all comes later; inside you’ve internalized being alert at all times for if anything comes at you, be able to control the emotions, refrain showing them, thus, decreasing your exposure to suffering. As a consequence, it’s hard to connect, it’s hard opening up, it’s hard having courage to take risks: “what if they see my weak?, what if they see inside me, my insecurity? I’d loose my capacity of defence and I, myself, would feel so very little, self-pity, pathetic…” Of course, it’s not a rational argumentation that you’re having in your mind, it’s a sensation, which, by the way, it’s a lot similar of the own emotions you describe of a bully; just the strategy seems to be different; instead of abusing others and being cruel, you isolate yourself even against your own yearnings. They’re like a vampire that bites you into a child of night.

I was bullied in middle school and all of the issues I havent been able to figure out and get over by myself have been issues I’ve traced back to that. I’ve moved past blaming them for ruining my life and being angry about it, but it’s hard to live when you already have social difficulties due to autism, as well as having to deal with panic and anxiety around new people, especially in groups. It’s hard not to think that I’ll always be alone because of it

I’m still in school (almost done tho!) and I’m tired of the verbal, social, and physical attacks all the time. Empathy is a skill. And I try to use it with them. I try not to have any enemies. It’s just a lot to be constantly reminded of how worthless you are and to be scared to go to places I shouldn’t be scared to go. Every support system and friend I make doesn’t last long and I’m right but where I started. I just feel helpless and distrustful and stuck and I wish everything was over

Thank you for your amazing articles! As a child I was bullied in school as well as by one of my cousins. My parents were overworked, so even though they tried to help me, they couldn’t change it. Over time, after traveling a lot and getting to know many new people, I got to understand that parts of my behaviour and mindset triggered the bullying in school and also found many of them in my younger brother. Helping him to see the world from a more positive point of view, giving him the support, having the conversations that I would have needed back then and perusal him gradually becoming the empathetic and lovable social butterfly that he is now, helped me tremendously. I also started to be extremely kind and supportive of my cousin. Initially I did it just to see his dumb face, when I asked him how he was doing and congratulating him instead of getting back at him. I guess it was my way of bullying back at first. But it helped. We had a sort of love-hate-friendship for a few years and can now sincerely talk about many things and support each other. Turns out that simple support without jealousy or comparing each others accomplishments was just what he needed and didn’t get from his siblings. The bullying helped me to empathize with many people around me. It also made me a bit cynical, sarcastic and quite detached from things that I feel won’t matter anymore in a few years. Back then I often considered suicide. I later found the solution to that in distancing myself or leaving a group or place if the social pressure becomes overwhelming.

I almost feel like my bullying at school was a “mild case”, but it still caused me being too afraid to go into town in case I would meet some of the kids that bullied me. My self-esteem was very low for years, so I picked boyfriends who seemed “strong” and “tough” – which in hindsight didn’t help at all, on the contrary. I totally lost myself trying to be someone else, so they’d like me. I’m only trying to find out who I really am and build my self-esteem up again now … around 20 years later, because I was too afraid to be myself. I’m also convinced, this was one of the major experiences that caused my social anxiety. Bullying is awful, teach your kids that! And your friends, and colleagues, and every adult. It hurts and destroys so much on so many levels.

I recently discovered Jonno from Cinema therapy and he inspired me to go back to my therapist. And sorry if this is late to the conversation but this article really spoke to me. I used to be kind of an oddball, and would just do or say things that many of my classmates dubbed and no matter how i tried to get along with others, it didn’t matter and others would just constantly tear down what I would do and say. And since it was only ever verbal abuse (half the time with the added vibe of the threat of violence if i pushed things or didn’t cow-tow to them), i didn’t realize until years later that I was even being bullied. So a lot of the comments went unfiltered, unchecked and caused a lasting impact on how I perceive myself and how I act in all types of relationships. And like Jonno it was a shame in my case because I have such a loving and supportive family, so by all accounts I should have grown up with secure attachments, but i didn’t. I also didn’t have many friends until we moved and I was in a completely different town and environment. Eventually I did find a solid group of friends that support me and are very patient with my insecurities that I am trying to get over, so knowing that there are people who love and care about me and think what I do is awesome makes me start to think that since i trust their opinions, maybe they’re right. And the other thing that helped me was what Jonno talked about and realize that my bullies are probably just as insecure as me, and I feel sorry for them.

I was bullied as a child emotionally, socially, and briefly physically, which I don’t remember. I have low self esteem in my personality, like when someone is mean or excludes me my first thought is, i was too loud, too needy, or I said something wrong, if people don’t want to be friends with me it’s all my fault for being horrible. It didn’t help that I have adhd and have a hard time controlling the behaviors that I thought, and still think but am trying to work to not think, made me undesirable as a friend. I started to heal by making friends who cared about me and built me up. I never reached the pity level but making friends made the bullies lose their power cause they couldn’t isolate me.

What a great and wonderful article about this topic. I’ve been bullied in school from grade 5 to 12. Pretty much my whole Junior High/Highschool years (or Gymnasiumszeit as we say in Germany) and am still dealing with its aftermath now 6 years later. But it has gotten better. And articles like that help me reorganizing my past, healing the trauma that came from it and accepting what happened then… to help my clients – as a therapist myself – who are going through a similair time in their life, strengthen them and giving them what I couldn’t have back then. Bullying is a symptom of our society that unfortunately will never disappear… but we can help and prevent others from suffering so much that it impairs their whole life! And we need to do so! But I only just started to learn about it 6 years later because looking at it there was so much anger, shame, grief and self-doubt connected to it. It feels so relatable that someone like you, Jono, has gone through it as well. It feels less stigmatizing and more handable!

I was bullied by my dad and my brothers (mostly my little brother) as well as at school. I was born with a cleft lip and palate which required me to have 20+ surgical procedures, 12 of which were grommets to help alleviate ear infections that would render me functionally deaf for extended periods, with little to no concept of volume control so I would swing from shouting to whispering to ashamed silence during most interactions. I couldn’t smell or taste properly making me highly reactive to texture, to this day I struggle with fruit and veg because as far as I can tell it all smells rotten; I’m certain the messed up diet didn’t help. I had to go to a speech therapist to be reminded that I couldn’t even get that right, plus dyslexia, remedial classes, constantly being put down as “stupid and lazy”. I was later diagnosed with ADHD but that came a long time after the depression and anxiety. But what choice did I have? Pretend that it is the rest of the world that’s wrong or accept that they’re right and try to mitigate the humiliation? I was often told that I’m “too sensitive” or told that my thoughts, feelings and experiences were wrong; the perpetual gas-lighting has gotten to the point I hardly know what to believe and can’t trust any of my thoughts or instincts. I tried to mould myself into the shape everyone said they wanted, but they kept moving the goalposts and I find out decades later that who I’ve become is what people say they want, but not what they actually want. I have no idea who or how to be my “authentic self”.

A consequence of bullying that’s not discussed much is paranoia. Hearing strangers laughing and feeling like they must be laughing at you, or talking shit about you, is a thing that happens to bullied people well into adulthood. Also, that if there isn’t a power differential between aggressor and victim at the very beginning of their interactions, the aggressor will create it over time. . . . (To be honest sometimes I feel like the current knowledge about bullying got stuck at “studying elementary and middle school aged children,” but researchers never bothered to ask older kids or adults that suffered it and might have some thoughts about it.)

As the 6’2 daughter of two musicians and ad people, both near my height, my defining characteristics in childhood were my creativity and being tall. I hung onto make-believe much longer than most of my peers because I love to tell stories, and before I came into own my artistic and literary skills, that was the best way I had way to tell them. For the first three years of primary school, I got along with everyone, and I had a couple of good friends in my year, but those started to drop away when I befriended a girl no one really liked. By the end of third grade, I was my year’s scapegoat, and my onetime friend was clever enough to get on the hype train and talk badly about me in order to improve her status. I was the tallest person in the school by fifth grade, so kids weren’t often brave enough to hit me, but I was sworn at, jeered at by cliques of girls, ostracized because I was never up to date on the latest trends, had things stolen or broken (an incident comes to mind where I opened my locker before recess to find applesauce in my boots when there were three-foot snowdrifts outside), and set up to take the fall for other kids’ bad behavior more than once. The school administration did essentially nothing to defend me, because it was the word of one child against fifty. My parents were and still are incredibly loving, and I wasn’t without friends outside of school, but going into an emotional warzone every day for three years has resulted in a lot of poor coping mechanisms.

I had always been a timid and non confrontational person. When I was in middle school I was physically bullied(shoved into a corner with no escape) to the point I blacked out but had still pushed back. I got in trouble but had that sense of power that I didn’t need to tolerate that treatment. In high school I had a group of “tough” friends who were there to stand up for me if I couldn’t, and they taught me to not take abuse from anyone. Took a while for those lessons to stick and become a part of me, but now I can confidently put out love and kindness to strangers, but get away if they start to take advantage of me. For those who are still trying to get out, you can do this. It’s not easy, it may never be easy to tell yourself you are better off doing something or saying something; it can be scary. But you are important and your life and health is far more important than what someone says or thinks of you. Love yourself then those who matter will love you too. I love you!

I like the article. I got bullied in school age 10-13, and at the sport club until I left. Now, more then ten years later, I am experiencing some serious problems in my work place and my health has and still is declining rapidly. I have the highest respect for people, who actually manage to forgive or pity their bullies. I don´t like it, but I still fear mine. And I hate them as well as myself for it.

My bullying didn’t happen during my teen years but all throughout my elementary school years. I wasn’t bullied for one person but many, there was verbal abuse by calling me names, mocking me, etc but also some physical things like taking away my books, hiding my notebooks just before an exam or hiding personal things so I couldn’t find them. One day I cried and shouted at one of the girls who laughed at my tears why she was doing this? what she got out of it? and she answered “Because it’s fun to make you cry.” To say that, that sentence made me understood the meaning of cruelty is as close as I can get to the true impact it had in my life. Things got much better later, but it took many years to trust and make friends and I still struggle with letting people see me cry.

I can’t say that I’ve been able to pity or develop compassion for all of the people who’ve bullied me, especially after having been forced to realize that even as a 40-something adult, I could still be bullied. Three people in particular (my host principal, my host teacher, and my clinical supervisor) made my student teaching experience a living hell. They got away with what they did, because I was so traumatized by the experience that I had no idea what to do except switch from the certification program to a BA in education. But back in junior high and high school, I did have the opportunity a couple of times to be kind to people who had bullied me, and turned two or three people into friends. I think that some people don’t even realize when they’re bullying. Those people can be helped.

Your suggestion to forgive them does not help me. I think it’s because I never felt angry with them. I instead got convinced by them and my father, that I am the problem. The anger is there, but only if I find the strength to say “They were wrong, and I was a victim. How dare they”. Anger is not the emotion that I naturally get when I think about their abuse. My low confidence makes me instantly cry and feel horrible about myself. I think that’s a layer that needs to be adressed before I can even do forgiveness.

When I was in 8th grade I had a crush on a boy. I was one of the few POC that went to a predominately white school. He asked me to be his boyfriend, and 3 days later he and his group of friends told me it was a joke. They called me racial slurs in person, but mostly via cyber bullying. I struggled with my self image for years. When I was 13/14 I used to cry myself to sleep wishing I was white. One of the boys saw me in college and apologized to me. He wasn’t the main instigator, but I forgave him. The boy who was my fake boyfriend recently followed me on instagram for a couple days then unfollowed me. When this happened I broke down and cried. I also realize (according to your other article about fight or flight responses) I still to this day have a freeze response when someone says something racist to me. I feel frustrated because I still freeze and come home to cry instead of confronting people or calling out when people are racist to me. I mean this in away that I would like to get to the point where I stand up for myself in a non-aggressive way, or even educate people who don’t realize they’re being mildly racist. I would like to one day get to this point, but I feel like I’m still broken. I just stumbled on your website and am very grateful for everything I’m perusal. Keep up the great work!

I have been bullied from my very first day of 6th grade, and for several years. My worst year was in 8th grade. I was bullied by people from my class, I was mocked by other students from my school that I didn’t even know, and even strangers in the street would make reflection as I was passing by (what is wrong with this society ?). I am now 24 and I am not to a point where I can feel pity. To this day I still feel resentful and bitter when thinking about it, even if it was ten years ago. Regarding mental health, I went through different stages. In 8th grade, I started withdrawing into myself, I was reading a lot to escape reality. I didn’t realize it, of course, and I thought I just loved reading. My parents noticed though. I went through a period of anger issues from 13 to 16 years old (when I went to see a therapist who helped me realize what was happening). I had built up anger and frustration in myself that I was rejecting onto my parents. I was going through adolescence and the mix with my bullying was explosive. I was looking for any occasion to have a fight with my parents, even when nothing was going on. To me, they deserved my anger because they didn’t understand me, but the truth is I didn’t understand myself. I also had anxiety and paranoia (that I still have today to a certain extent, I am still working on it). Crossing a corridor full of people was giving bad anxiety. Any time I could find another way to avoid it, even if it was a whole detour, I would do it. I had the impression that every gaze, every whisper, every laugh was directed towards me.

I was bullied socially, verbally, and physically all throughout elementary school. Luckily I had a great home life which I attribute to being able to successfully move past it. Due to my own emotional compartmentalization and unintentional minimization of my experience from peers and even family members, I didn’t realize how much it affected me till I was in my late teens and college all the way to now (I’m 24). A lot of time when I talked about being bullied someone would say “well everyone gets bullied” this made me feel like my feelings and pain were invalid since everyone deals with it and can get past it, this lead to me to just pushing it down (not a valid coping mechanism btw lol). It was only when I went to therapy my senior year of high school that I realized that a lot of the perfectionism, anxiety, and inability to fully trust my friends was from being so intensely bullied for years. I’ve reflected and owned my experiences now and am proud that I am able to understand and reflect on the trauma of being bullied and how that has shaped how I see things. I am also glad that I now feel pity and compassion for my bullies, I was child but so were they. Lastly, to anyone who is reading this far LOL, know that your feelings are valid and that you did nothing wrong to be bullied, you are not lesser, and you are deserving of love always, no one can ever take that away from you.

I was bullied grades 5-6, then changed school and was bullied by another group in grades 6-9. Then I grew too big to be bullied. This happened whilst my family completely disintegrated after my father filed for divorce, all adults stopped caring for me properly (due to various factors) and I lost all but one of my friends. The bullying was the last straw that totally broke me. 30 years have passed and I am still torn up, despite two therapies. My life is a mess. I do have compassion and pity for the guys who bullied me grades 5-6. They were underdogs, poor families, very likely physical abuse by parents. I must say, I forgive them. With the other group it was another story though: they came from middle-class backgrounds and didn’t seem half as unhappy. They were two grades above me. The leader of the gang seemed to really enjoy ruining my days. Once, after months of daily bullying, I came at him out of desperation. He punched me in the face hard (a 7th grader) and while I was lying on the ground and cried, he laughed in my face. I am 100% convinced this guy was just a sadist. If I ever meet that dude again, I make sure it is him and then punch his f***ing face in.

Honestly I was bullied throughout childhood. The worst part is that my so-called friends would just do nothing beside this one girl. Out of 15 friends, only one step up but she was also afraid and can’t do much. I was pushed down the stair at school and one of my “so called” best friend were laughing along with the bullies. No one really stood up for me. This play a huge consequences for me. They would throw rocks at my house window, threatened me and got extreme to the point the cops were called. The cops was honestly my hero at the time. The two main boys got charged with arson but unfortunately not enough evidences in laws for bullying and stalking. But they did put a restraining order for me to make me feel safe. As I got older, I got tired of being pick on so I became rude and more aggressive towards the bullies and unintentionally also other people as well. If someone hurts me or threatened me, I don’t take it lightly. This also makes me crave for revenge but I wouldn’t go extreme. The psychological affects is that bullied victims can either fall into a major depression and be suicide risk, or change their persona completely and be ruthless. I grew up believing that no one cares about me and I am all by myself. Therefore I don’t care about other people. Sometime it can be a bad thing but being a bullied victim completely changed me. I realized that the world is full of evils and to survive and move on from the trauma and pain is to be ruthless. This is honestly something normal people wouldn’t understand.

In 4th grade me and my twin brother were bullied by an older kid. he lifted me by my throat high in the air because i was ahead of him in the line for water and he couldnt wait. We retaliated by throwing things at him and since we were so good at school no one believed him. later we played on the basketball team together and “patched” things up. this one action made me have a full list of insecurities that i live with to this day. in the closest relationship i had she broke my heart. all my insecurities and failed past relationships came to the surface. which led to crippling depression, anxiety and mental health. i try to make friends but they ultimately give up on me. i always feel like im the one trying and no one else checks on me. recently the person i consider a sister said that im still like a brother but that were acquaintances and that hurt more than she will ever know. i do over write people that i trust maybe she couldnt take it anymore (she also deals with depression and anxiety that is part of the reason i wrote so much to check in) but to say im an acquaintance and you couldnt write back because you were too busy or too tired after 20 years. plus still dealing with the heartbreak of the girl i loved telling me i didnt matter. i didnt mean anything. i cut ties with her a year ago. dealing with the loss of my uncle a year ago. all these things have not made for a good month mental wise. i do hold on to hope. hope gets me through the dark times. it will get better. i have 2 great friends who have picked me up and of course my twin who knows when i need encouragement.

It’s all well and good to say “pity” them. But I went through hell, 16 years of school/collage bullying to the point I don’t or rather can’t trust, I am severely insecure about the few relationships I do have, if someone doesn’t talk to me for a couple days, I automatically wonder “what did I do wrong, how did I upset them?” Saying sorry for something that never happened, but in my head I must have done something wrong. It haunts me to the point I am about to cry just typing this. I am a 41 year old woman and I can’t stand my memories, they plague me, I hate them, I want them gone. That being said, I would not be the person I am today if not for hell I went through. I might have massive anxiety in social situations but if someone I consider a friend needs me I will go to hell and back for them, because I know the crippling loneliness that can come from needing help but never getting it. In all honesty I will probably never get married, or find someone to share my life with because I’m broken. I have become very adept at my mask and I deal with things alone, despite being there for others, I can’t bare getting help… messed up huh? Okay I am gonna go cry some more lol

There was a boy in my class from 5th to 8th grade and he and his “friends” first bullied my best friend, he went to a different school after 6th grade, so they started bullying me which did not really bother me because I had pitty for them but when the boy commited suicide in 8th grade I felt relief and than extreamly guilty till today.

Only when I was adult and left for another town I realised what real friendship was. My two and only friends I had until then were bullies who made me think their behaviour was normal or that I kind of deserved that. Some days they were great but another time they were real bi*ches who would hide my things, leave me alone on purpose or threaten to tell others my secrets. Then they would tell me it was a joke and I don’t know what fun is. I’ve learned not to fight back because it only made things worse and pretended I was happy in front of others. Only when I met other people in my early 20s I realised your friends should not make you fear them and that sharing secret does not mean giving them a weapon to hurt you.

I was diagnosed with autism in the year 2003 so of course I was the kid that everyone picked on everyone bullied and now as an adult I have us phobia of children every time I see one I want to get as far away as physically possible . I don’t want to be a mom and I’m OK with that but my sister wants to have children and I don’t wanna feel this way when she does how do I move past this?

I was bullied just about constantly from age 7 to 12, then a new set from 13 to 15. ( ADD: Should be noted it was Verbal and Physical ). It’s affected me greatly as almost everything on that list struck true. I’ve even been mean to people but it never gave me anything to do so, and I would apologize when I saw it was taken personal. This was also always no longer than a moment in one day. Except for the case of mean people having been mean to me first, then my view was they can go eff-themselves. Eye for an eye and all that you know. In the long term, I think what grieves me the most about all my experiences is whenever I am positive, and uplifting, someone or something always comes by drag me back down into reality to show that humanity really is a bunch of asshats that don’t deserve kindness. I can never be happy for any particular long time and I see each day as one high point and one low point. I will openly criticize things that are done badly with the bluntness of a crowbar, but I will also praise what is done greatly with amazement. I will argue with people when they are wrong, and I will do what isn’t allowed on the internet, apologize when I am wrong. Now the way I’ve described this makes me feel like a really bad person but, I’m not. It’s true I can be a real bastard if you catch me on a bad day or say the worst possible thing to me that instantly makes me flip my shit ( usually related to mistreatment of other people or animals ). Likewise I can be extremely passionate and possessive about fiction which leads me at odds with other people since I believe in the integrity of the work or such while they just want the next cool thing or other stuff that ruins the work instead of enhancing it.

I had a bully that was the worst anybody who knew of it could remember. This was from about 1989-1995, from my 6th grade until graduation from High School. Prior to 1989 he was still mean to me, but I was later told it was because he ‘liked me’ and it culminated in him asking me out in front of everybody. I thought he was being mean and turned him down cold. He turned that unhealthy attraction behavior into the worst bullying. He vandalized my house, my Mom’s car, broke my possessions, spread lies about me, tormented anybody who was nice to me, goaded others into treating me as bad as he did. His parents didn’t care about it and routinely refused to do anything about it. The school agreed to not have either of us in the same class but that was all they did. He convinced his friend to fight my older brother to a draw that left both of them bleeding and bruised. It only stopped when I graduated out. And it was so bad my parents considered moving to get away from it, but ultimately didn’t. The absolute worst was the knowledge that people would rather be horrible to me rather than tell him to knock it off. He gave them permission to treat me as badly as they could. He dredged up stuff I had done in kindergarten and told people about it. And the school stood by and did nothing. I just wanted somebody at school to believe me. One teacher. One ‘counselor’. Somebody. In high school, I made it better by befriending some older kids who weren’t impressed that a freshman was trying to start trouble.

I was bullied for a year in primary school before leaving for high school and I’m now in my early 30s. It sucks and I still remembered part of it vividly. It changed my whole life. I hate group projects and any group settings because of it, so I chose to study in a field that I can work more independently and require less social interactions. I have low self esteem and don’t have much confidence in myself because I was always thinking that there was something wrong with me, that’s why they choose me to be the girl to bully. (Which I later know that’s bullshit, but it hard to turn this part of thinking off when it’s in your system for decades). I don’t like making new friends and can’t seems to get into a romantic relationship because I just don’t trust people much in real life. I started to plan the worse for every scenarios, because one moment they were my best friends and the next they were my worst nightmare. I’m not sure about other school, but teachers in mine didn’t help, the social workers and the teachers just festered the thought of ‘why me and is there something wrong with me’. All the interferes just made it so much harder because I was not just the girl that they like to bullied, I was also the snitch. The worst thing of being bullied for me is never able to figure out why. I don’t care they have or had a shitty background or unhappy life whatsoever, that’s no excuse for doing that to anyone. I don’t care about anything of my bullies now but there is one thing for sure, I would never forgive or pity them, I wish all of them just rot in hell.

I have big mental (and related physical) health issues and I’m sure the bullying (all forms but cyber. Luckily for me I am to old to have risked that during my school years) I experienced throughout most of my shool years quite surely play a role in that big puzzle, beyond other things. It was super hard, and the teachers pretty much pretended not to see or played it down. Just one random example (an especially bad one): my bullies stripped me naked in the playground (aged about 9-10) just mere meters away from “their spot” and they did not even say a word. Pupils from all grades could enjoy the show. I remember I did not dare to wear skirts and dresses (although I loved them) in summer any more in school and developed a liking for dungarees, because these are harder to get off against your will. The mere fact that I start tearing up just now only thinking back to all what happened tells me it definetly sticked with me until today. In fact, it came up in the last session with my psychiatrist and we agreed to speak about it in our next session. But I know it will be hard. Sometimes I really wonder how I managed to endure all of that daily hell. I sure did not unharmed. There even had been teachers doing very inapropriate things. And thank you for your content. I hope it can reach the right people who can need it and help them or their children.

Honestly, it took me a long time to really register whether I was bullied as a kid or not. It was mainly cyber and social, because apparently, I was “clingy” or something. It was grade 7, and there was a new girl at school. We were friends at first, nothing really happened but I caught her writing notes about me to another girl, I don’t remember what it said. I think the social was due to them talking to others and when I would ask them about something they would try to hide it or say something to switch the conversation. I think I just wanted to be wrong so I accepted the weird feeling of being excluded, eventually, there was a group chat with this girl and 2 others. They said that apparently, I was clingy, I needed to go make other friends and that we didn’t really click. They called me “shrimp” in this group chat which is actually funny to me because it’s stereotypical bullying, but they had used that word throughout the school year so I only assume they were talking about me. I don’t remember much but I felt excluded and socially anxious, always assuming people were talking about me, laughing at me, so on. In grade 8 this didn’t really continue? I became friends again with another girl from the group chat because she apologized and we knew each other from when we were younger. In grade 8 it was more taking advantage by asking me if she could have a cheese string I had for lunch because I didn’t really like them much, around others she said “oh we’re friends right?”. It was really confusing and one day in grade 8 there was a speaker who came in and talked about some things (religion, afterlife, etc).

I am not really sure this is true for every type of bully. Maybe for some but in my experience there is a point when there is people (happy or not) joining in because it looks like fun. I had at least half of my respective class bullying me in 3 different schools and from what I can tell most of them seem to have managed to sustain quite stable relationships/friendships throughout the years (I live in the same area I grew up in and everyone knows everybody’s business around here, if you want to or not 🙈).

I/we can’t forgive what they did to us… we now have CPTSD, Bulimia, and DID those are only 3 or our 6 diagnoses, but the most trauma related. We know that the bullies had their own problems, but the fact that our brain had to develop personalities split from ours just to cope with the everyday terrors for about 18 years.. Idk i know i should try to see their side, but it’s hard, when you are mentally ffed up for the rest of your life. Just because we are different.. Anyway starting to trigger myself but thanks for making this vid. – Anna & Chameleon System.

I was bullied because I’m disabled. My mum told me it all started when I was in kindergarden at the age of four or five. I can’t remember that time. The bulling went on in elementary school. I first told my mum. She told the teachers, they talked to the class (I was isolated by all of them but I was also attackedphysical and verbal by a group boys) but the fact, that the teachers told the class to be nice to me, because I’m not like the other kids made it even worse. So I stopped telling anybody. I learned to show no emotions as soon as I was on my way to school I told myself that to feel means to be weak. When I came home crying I punished me for beeing weak and for crying. The bulling stopped in the last year of highschool. Thats 17 years ago now I got therapy and learned to accept my feelings but my body still tenses when I see a group of teenagers talking and looking in my direction, I kind of get prepared of beeing bullied. If I talk to other people about it, and that I feel kind of traumatised they often tell me I am to sensitive and bulling is part of a normal students life.

I was bullied from 2nd grade until graduation. Physically, socially and verbally. It had gotten so bad in one case that the police had to step in because I was at serious risk of injury. They were 3 years old then me and throwing rocks some the size of baseballs. The bruising and lumps is what alerted my mom. See, I withdrew at a young age because I was also abused at home my my younger sister and my grandmother. Verbally and physically. So I didn’t feel safe at home, or at school or anywhere. Even my teachers bullied me. I was called stupid slow and lazy (now I know that I have adhd) I was singled out in classes, picked on and even made fun of in front of my class. My PE teacher made fun of me for being fat and slow. Nothing new there. I was verbally teased daily about my weight, hair, glasses, clothes… everything about me was all wrong. I would make friends and then they would reject me, I would make more and someone would spread a rumor. I went 2 years without a direct friend. My 1 friend who is still my BFF today had moved and was an hour away and I was alone. That was 6th grade. In 8th grade I made a couple friends. Mostly they were toxic and unhealthy but I was desperate. Then they dumped off as well. I was never good enough. In high school I moved 3 times in freshman year. No friends. I just stopped trying. This is when I had started self harming where Noone could see. By sophomore year I did have some friends. Most of which were toxic. It was my junior year that I because very dangerously suicidal.

I’m not sure you will allow this story to be here, but I think it’s important that we stop pretending that somehow words and time are enough and that bad people always have some tragic backstory that doesn’t excuse but explains their actions. When reality is you are just going to meet bad people in your life who decide that you are going to be their target to keep them entertained. As much as we like the idea that the people who hurt was just mean people who were mean because bad things had been done to them and they would never escape it. And I’m sure there are cases where it is true. But most of it is just because they are bored I was bullied daily until I was 15 practically every single day, and it’s not like I don’t feel bad for people who get bullied verbally or people posting things online. That’s horrible and I wish them the best, I just also wish that I could have traded places because words never really bothered me compared to having to fight to make sure I would get the least amount of injuries on a regular basis, and still got in trouble and yelled at by my teachers for fighting back. “Since if I didn’t want to fight then why didn’t I come and tell a teacher” and telling them “oh I don’t know because last time I did you still held me in detention for throwing the guy who tried to attack me from behind into a wall so he would need to catch his breath to get way from him, then they stabbed me with needles as I was walking home” to which the response I got “Stop lying, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad”.

When I was 13 I was bullied by other kids in my theater because I started a dance at the back of rehearsal because we had all been sitting round waiting our turn bored for hours since early in the morning a girl I was showing how to dance got hurt and I got blamed everyone were being mean in our group chat and they kicked me out. Then I was bullied by people I didn’t even know someone started a rumor about me that everyone hated me for which caused people to lie saying that they heard me say something else, to the point everyone in my school hated me all my friends abandoned me except one who still uses it as an excuse for her behaviour when I’m just trying to help, at that point in my life I had knowone, people I didn’t even talk to would slap hit and beat me up at any time and I just let them I never fought back the first fiew I tried but then I didn’t see the point because I was weak and I think I deserved it because in my first year of school I said a stupid comment on something related to the rumour which I regret even now. I remember a time I was on the bus with a friend listening to music we were sat at the front and alot of people were giggling and loud then my friend told me a girl who hated me (because she was one of the people who heard my misguided comment from when I was 11) was planning on throwing a condom full of water at me and instead of being a normal person and confronting her or getting off the bus I sat their and took my earphones off wrapped then around my phone and put it on my inside pocket of my blazer then she came to where I was from the back of the bus and threw it at me and just laughed along with everyone on my bus, I was several stops from home so I didn’t react kept a neutral face and waited for my stop then I got off walked home and as soon as I got into my living room I bust into tears and pathetically called my mum which I stopped doing because I can handle myself and my mum just made it worse.

Isn’t the problem that some bullies do have the power to hurt you, no matter if you pitty them or not? I think understand what you are trying to say. It is probably very helpful for healing when you have been bullied but I don’t know if you can claim that it takes their power away. If your bully is for example a teacher, they can fail you in their class, or if your bully is your boss they can give you worse work hours or an unsafe work environment where you might get physically hurt. My bullies hit me with sharp sticks when we were around seven or eight years old. Luckily i didn’t get permanent scars but I could have. Me understanding that they probably had shit lives would not have stopped them from hitting me or stopped me getting physically hurt. I suppose you are talking about taking away the power of making me hate my self or hate them maybe? I am all for empathy and sympathy. It was just something about that statement about power that felt simplified to the point where it almost flip over to victim blaming.

My own mom never told me she love me, my step dad used to beat me badly and make me stay up every night while my brother n sister slept he spat in my food and would alway threaten to kill me he was a staff sergeant my mom neve believe me she always called me a liar made me sleep outside was homeless or place to place all highschool till this day she acts like nothing ever happen she neve loves me no one does it’s so bad at night I haven’t slept good ever since I was a kid till this day she never once was accountable or remorseful and calls me a liar I never forgot those days every single day….. spit in my food made me eat it, touched me, no one cared my real dad never defended me I remember I got beat up at school walking home I called my mom she blamed me I called my dad he was trying to act hard with me because I was mad no one cared he came to my mom house and beat me up for being angry at him I stop talking to everyone after that about my issue if I got bullied I got bullied it was my fault if I got in trouble for defending myself it’s my fault it’s always my fault I pray to Jesus my whole life all I want is someone to understand some one to love me why can’t I have a place we’re I’m welcome or belong it’s always my fault I’m 24 now till this day my brother told me yesterday it’s doesn’t matter what I went theough Ass a kid it’s my fault when I become 18 I just said “okay” I gave them chance after chance but I’m honestly just tired and wanna lay down forever I’m so tired no one has compassion i relate to homeless people a lot cause I understand no one values them I understand empathy but man I just want to give up